But if Rolling Stone thought they could cheat the web out of a every drop of Megan Fox info available to humanity, on the weekend when her new film Jennifer's Body opens, they are about to learn a about this brave new world.

There might have been a day when there were stories about things that weren't Megan Fox but frankly, we can't remember back that far. Since the sultry wackjob from Tennessee became the internet, a million new forms of reporting have been discovered to chronicle her all the aspects of her complex personage. The gal with an unhinged take on every piece of modern life has challenged the world's media to document each and every pearl of fascination to fall from her lips. And thus it became the work of an army of reporters to report on the Rolling Stone piece.

Here then is your guide to the complete reporting of Rolling Stone's report:

• Us.com, The NY Daily News and many others, led with Fox's revelations of youthful self-mutilating antics, with her affirmative answer to the standard interview question, have you ever cut yourself? Us quoted Rolling Stone quoting Fox elaborating, "But I don't want to elaborate. I would never call myself a cutter."

•Perez Hilton led with the elephant in the room of the Megan Fox beat, her fiery but exciting temper. He quoted Rolling Stone quoting, "My temper is ridiculously bad. I've had to say to Brian, 'You have to go and stop talking to me, because I'm going to kill you. I'm going to stab you with something, please leave.' I'd never own a gun for that reason. I wouldn't shoot to kill. But I would shoot him in the leg, for sure." Hilton editorializes on the theme, writing, "Ohhhh, just in the leg? Umm, PSYCHO!"

•E!Online put the spotlight on Rolling Stone's spotlight on Fox's thoughts on men's thoughts about vagina. After quoting her assertion that she has a "powerful, confident vagina," E! quotes the quote, "Men are scared of vaginas. [A woman is most powerful when she is] completely in charge of her sexuality."

•MTV News wisely choose to focus its reporting on the subject of the pictures themselves, describing them in perhaps the least evocative phrase ever written, "The 23-year-old starlet looks like a femme fatale ready for a day at the beach."

But all this of course is just the first draft of history. The final story of what Rolling Stone's Megan Fox profile meant will not be told until the dissertations are written, the seminars held and the votes tallied long after we all are gone.

6. Megan Fox and Amanda Seyfried's Kiss Isn't That Exploitative

By the time I saw a screening of Jennifer's Body last week, the "lesbian kiss" clip was already partially online, and seemed just as eye-rollingly marketing department-mandated as one would expect. But it actually fits nicely into the plot — in the full scene, Needy (Amanda Seyfried) is suspicious of Jennifer (Megan Fox), and Jennifer is trying to win her back the only way she knows how — with her overpowering sexuality. Besides, it's played for laughs when Needy suddenly realizes they're kissing and pushes Jennifer away and is all like "Wait, what?" about it.

5. The Diablo Cody-isms Aren't As Distracting As They Were In Juno

Jennifer's Body probably could have done without "Moveon, Dot Org!", but generally, the weird Diablo Cody alien teenspeak is limited to one character — Jennifer — which makes it seem like it's her tic, not the entire movie's. And when I'm watching a horror movie, I like knowing there's always another pop culture allusion just around the corner. This movie isn't trying to be Citizen Kane. I might even start calling my best friends Monistat and Vagisil...well...or not. But teenagers do tend to have their own language, and if it was okay in Heathers, it's okay here.

4. Adam Brody's Dead-On Brandon Flowers Impression

Adam plays the eyelinered lead singer of the indie band Low Shoulder, whose single "Through The Trees" goes platinum after it becomes the official song of the Devil's Kettle Tragedy. Though Adam claims in interviews that he based his character on several famous lead singers, come on, it's Brandon Flowers from The Killers all the way. He even grows a Flowers-esque mustache after he gets famous. It adds another layer to think of his ruthless evil famewhore character being based on Flowers the goodie two-shoes Mormon.

3. J.K. Simmons As the Wig-Wearing Science Teacher With A Hook For A Hand

Because J.K. Simmons is always funny, and because the hook is never explained or even mentioned.

2. Megan Fox....Can...Actually...Like...Act?

Bad news for Megan Fox's legions of haters: she may have dumb tattoos, say silly things in interviews, and possess exactly one mouth-agape red-carpet facial expression, but in this movie at least, Megan Fox's ability to play the full range of her ditzy-yet-utterly-enthralling high school alpha-female character is undeniable. (Amanda Seyfriend is also terrific, but we already knew that.) You just can't stop watching Megan, and after this mesmerizing performance, her sudden massive fame seems a little bit more understandable. I'm sorry if this upsets anyone. It's just true. Bitch can act, and we need to accept it and move on (dot org).

1. It's An Empowerment Movie For Former Wallflower Sidekicks Everywhere

Most of us have, at some point in our lives, found ourselves playing sidekick to an underminer-y, narcissistic, "best friend." (This is based on anecdotal, not scientific, research, but it's totally true.) We tend to grow out of it by our late '20s unless we're characters on Sex and the City, but if the low-self-in-relation-to-Miss-Superstar-esteem memories still linger, Jennifer's Body is THE movie to see to permanently exorcise your inner nerdy sidekick forever. It's a horror movie about toxic friendships! Why didn't anyone think of that before? The last two scenes of Jennifer's Body will make any former wallflower feel like a badass, giving us more than we ever expected from a cheap horror movie: an hour and a half of therapy. See it with a friend you (actually, really) love!

So! Megan Fox was promoting Jennifer's Body, the new Diablo Cody monster whatever movie. Wonderland magazine asks her about Transformers 2, and she goes off the reservation on Michael Bay:

God, I really wish I could go loose on this one. He's like Napoleon and he wants to create this insane, infamous mad-man reputation. He wants to be like Hitler on his sets, and he is. So he's a nightmare to work for but when you get him away from set, and he's not in director mode, I kind of really enjoy his personality because he's so awkward, so hopelessly awkward. He has no social skills at all. And it's endearing to watch him.

Now, while Megan Fox is trying to cement her reputation as a ridiculously inaccessible super rad badass post-femme hottie goddess rockbitch (or whatever Diablo Cody would call it) by basically calling Michael Bay a small-dicked boy with big explosive toys, a bunch of Michael Bay crewmembers—Or fanboys! Or both!—posted a letter on a Michael Bay message board. They write:

Megan has the press fooled...we have never understood why Megan was always such – the grump of the set?

...When facing the press, Megan is the queen of talking trailer trash and posing like a porn star. And yes we've had the unbearable time of watching her try to act on set, and yes, it's very cringe-able. So maybe, being a porn star in the future might be a good career option. But make-up beware, she has a paragraph tattooed to her backside (probably due her rotten childhood) easily another 45 minutes in the chair

Yes! Written like true techies. She's got a tat? Call her trailer trash! And again:

Megan says that Transformers was an unsafe set? Come on Megan, we know it is a bit more strenuous then the playground at the trailer park, but you don't insult one of the very best stunt and physical effects teams in the business! Not one person got hurt!

And who is the real Megan Fox? She is very different than the academy nominee and winning actors we've all worked around. She's as about ungracious a person as you can ever fathom.

Yeah, well, we imagine that's the case with everyone. What say you of franchise star Shia LaDouche? Exactly. Furthermore!

The press certainly doesn't know her most famous line. On our first day in Egypt, the Egyptian government wouldn't let us shoot because of a permit problem as the actors got ready in make up at the Four Seasons Hotel. Michael tried to make the best of it; he wanted to take the cast and crew on a private tour of the famous Giza pyramids. God hold us witness, Megan said, "I can't believe Michael is fucking forcing us to go to the fucking pyramids!" I guess this is the "Hitler guy" she is referring to.

Okay, that's just funny. So! Word of the letter leaks out. Sister Jez gets to it, Michael K at D-Listed gets to it with his own analysis:

The letter is supposed to make you want to run for president of the I HATE MEGAN FOX fan club, but it actually makes me kind of like her stupid ass for a quick minute. I mean, she's dumb, she's a slut and she's a bitch. The dumb slutty bitch is my kind! It's like we were separated at the free clinic!

God, he's a poet. And for a moment, this struggle of two work cultures—the "talent" culture, and the "techie" culture, this ages-long Hollywood battle over the value of diva actors and the work they do and the class struggles that exist between them—it hung in the air, dangling over the edge of becoming an all-out war, like an Autobot teetering on the precipice of a cliff, about to fall into the Grand Canyon, when Michael Bay, the great negotiator, stepped in. The letter was removed from the site! Forget for a moment that D Listed has it up, Just Jared still has it, and Google has it cached, and read into the great peacemaking the Michael Bay doth purport, on his site:

I don't condone the crew letter to Megan. And I don't condone Megan's outlandish quotes. But her crazy quips are part of her crazy charm. The fact of the matter I still love working with her, and I know we still get along. I even expect more crazy quotes from her on Transformers 3.

Michael

Genius. This is the man who brought us Armegeddon; he's a natrual crowdpleaser and one hell of a moneymaker, at heart. You think he'd do anything but leave open the possibility of more cast and crew infighting and insanity?

Winner: Michael Bay.
Losers: Classless Tech Crew Who Can't Write A Letter Very Well, With Exception To The Egypt Anecdote.
Push: Megan Fox. Yes, probably an asshole, but an honest, funny one. Like, sometimes, you're in Egypt, you just don't want to see the fuckin' pyramids, you know? Someone get me a mango lassi while we wait for these robots to get gassed. I've got my wonderful freaky thumbs to look at.

• For the second year in a row, Paramount and Warner Brothers led the summer box office derby, fueled by Transformers 2 and Star Trek for Paramount and Harry Potter and The Hangover for Warners. Universal landed at the bottom of the heap with a string of disappointments including Bruno, Land of the Lost and Funny People. Variety cautions, however, "Market share and profitability don't necessarily go hand in hand, since market share doesn't account for how much a studio has spent on production and marketing." Meaning just because they took in a fortune, doesn't meed they made a dime. [Variety]

• The Hollywood Reporter credits this year's four percent uptick in receipts to the higher ticket prices Hollywood conned America into paying for 3-D movies. [Hollywood Reporter]

• A tepid last weekend of the summer box office race was again won by last weekend's winner, Final Destination 3-D which took the crown with a paltry 15.4 million. To no one's shock, this weekend's releases Gamer and All About Steve both failed to catch fire. [Box Office Mojo]

• The Telluride Festival closed with strong reviews for at least a pair of films. Last year, the festival first brought Slumdog Millionaire to the world. This year, Jason Reitman's Up In the Air and Tolstoy biopic The Last Station won strong reviews. [Variety]

As much as this plays into the Megan Fox as ultimate object of masculine desire cliche (which is just boring at this point), it's a relief to see poor Seth Rogen getting to talk about something different at this stop on his (and Sandler, Mann, and Apatow's) seemingly never ending Funny People tour. And, actually, it contains an infinitesemally revealing fact about Megan Fox: she was so nervous before the first show that she stopped by Seth's dressing room to ask him to stay and help her be funnier. If Megan Fox is the current blank screen onto which we project our ideas about ultimate femininity, the fact that she did that adds one little tiny pixel of coolness to that screen. I can't imagine a lot of actresses doing that, or even knowing who Seth Rogen was at that pre-Knocked Up point in time. And, bonus: next time Megan Fox is on Kimmel, she'll have something to talk about besides her tattoos.

1. Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince — $79.5 million
Did you have to sit in the front row this weekend because all the cineplexes were packed with hooch-swillin hipsters and wonderment-enthusiasts? We did! But wasn't it grand (in spite of Snape's man bangs)

2. Ice Age: Dawn of The Dinosaurs — $17.7 million
What kind of fun-hating parent dragged their kid to see this CGI'd kind of dullness instead of Harry Potter this weekend? Shame on them! Is it because of Potter's pagan themes or sexually subversive undertones? It's a bewildering world when a project involving Dennis Leary is considered family friendly.

3. Transformers: Rise of the Fallen — $13.8 million
Bay's mediation on the illusory nature of plot still continues to resonate with movie goers. In the cacophony of noise and the visual abyss nestled between Megan Fox's chest orbs, the modern movie man can confront the terrifying absurdity of existence. I mean, it's tough now-a-days to get audiences to sit through an art flick so a drop to third place this week is still an admirable position to be in.

4. Brüno — $8.4 million
Aw, you guys remember Brüno? You know that hateful little mockumentary that shoved a mirror in Appalachia's meth ravaged face and said "Look! Look at what an ugly homophobic face you have!" And how we talked about it! As if it would be some kind of milestone in cinematic gay-straight relations. But now, just two weeks since Brüno's shoved his gadfly tushie in our bigoted faces, we realize that the culture has shifted beneath Brüno's Bavarian feet. Audiences don't seemed thrilled to witness others humiliated just to prove a political point.

5. The Hangover — $8.3 million
The man driven laffer continues to pull in the cargo-short set. And good for them! Warners hasn't made this much money with an R-rated summer comedy since Beverly Hills Cop — not to be confused with Beverly Hills Ninja which stared Chris Farley. Hm, is Zach Greekname the thinking man's Farley? Or is he like the hipsters' Eddie Murphy?

6. through 9. The Proposal Up My Sister's Public Enemies — various millions
Sandra Bullock's embargo on time travel movies has proved to be a wise decision with another $ 8.3 million for The Proposal this weekend. Public Enemies, Michael Mann's 2-hour love letter to boring made $7.6 million. What's Up is that Pixar is still being beautiful and rich at the box office with $ 3.1 million this weekend. And even though My Sister's Keeper, which made $2.8 million, looks like 90 minute paper cut we should all still think good thoughts about Abigail Breslin because she's just a walking glob of adorable talent.

It's a pity because we should all like Megan Fox! Some people love her the way you'd love your racist Granpa. Like she says enough crazy shit for you to love her in a bemused/horrifying sort of way. But Megan Fox is legitimately awesome because she knows exactly what she is: a real life version of a slutty Halloween costume.

And she makes no bones (heh) about it! She has repeatedly stated that her job is to be attractive. Unlike, say Scarlett Johansson who peddles sex the same way Fox does but tries to gussy it up with Tom Waits cover albums and erudite interviews. Isn't that infinitely more annoying? Fox's honesty is way more refreshing. Remember when Megan brought it with some real talk about ScarJo?

I don't want to have to be like a Scarlett Johansson - who I have nothing against - but I don't want to have to go on talk shows and pull out every single SAT word I've ever learned to prove, like, ‘Take me seriously, I am intelligent, I can speak.' I don't want… to do that.

You shouldn't, Megan! Because ladies like ScarJo and Natalie Portman, who are both devastatingly beautiful and educated, make Normals like me feel awful. At least with Megs, it's like, yeah maybe my boyfriend is thinking about her when he's on top but at least I could beat her in a game of scrabble, right? And isn't that what boyfriends really want? I mean, REALLY?

Also, Megan was a L.U.G. (Lesbian Until Graduation). Well, actually, more of a B.U.G. It's adorable! Even if it's untrue, it's a delight personal yarn that makes for great quotes like:

I mean, I could see myself in a relationship with a girl - Olivia Wilde is so sexy she makes me want to strangle a mountain ox with my bare hand.

Personal story of the time Megan Fox touched my life: I have done some press junkets and they a festival of terribleness. The studios essentially send celebrities down to the Four Seasons to read a press release, a couple of hacks ask "What was it like to work with robots?" and then it's over. But the couple of times Megs has shown up for these she's been chatty, off-topic, vulgar. It's a blast of fresh air.

I am pretty sure I am a doppelganger for Alan Alda. I'm a tranny. I'm a man. I'm so painfully insecure. I'm on the verge of vomiting now. I am so horrified that I am here, and embarrassed. I'm scared."

Awww, don't be Megan, we're here for you.

Thank you Megan Fox, for almost single-handedly keeping the Internet reals. Keep on hustlin' that grind playa.

So how did you first hear that your picture was making the rounds on the internet?
I was walking to school and some friends came up to me and said "Harvey, you're in the newspaper." And then it was on one of the morning chat shows and I thought to myself, "Wow, this could be really big." I can't believe there's a picture of me and Megan Fox.

Why do you like Megan Fox? Are you a fan of her work, or is it a crush kind of thing?
I just really love celebrities. And I'm basically a big fan of Megan Fox. I like her work.

Tell us about what happened that night.
We'd heard she was in London for the premiere, so we decided to head down there. I picked up the rose on the way.

And when she came by and didn't take your flower, did you feel rejected?
I felt rejected. But I couldn't really tell if she'd done it on purpose. There were so many cameras around. She was moving really fast. Afterwards we ran through the hotel, but she didn't stop. I dropped the rose on the ground and went home.

Have you accepted her apology?
I actually haven't heard anything that she's said.

I see that you've met Kevin Jonas and Lady Gaga?
I've met a lot of celebrities. Only a few take pictures. Some celebrities are complete [bad word that we won't reprint because he's 11-years-old and was nervous, folks].

Who do you want to meet next?
I went after Katy Perry once, really wanted to meet her. We ran after her car. I wanted to give her a flower. Lady Gaga is going to be in London when I get back, so I'm going to try again with her.

So do you want to go into the entertainment industry when you're done with school?
I really love to sing and dance and act. I'm trying to get into a stage school in London, but it's really hard to get an audition.

I bet you'll get an audition now, now that everyone knows who you are.
I hope so.

Anything else you want to tell us?
I think I've told you pretty much everything!

Harvey is in town until Monday with his mother and godmother. They're going to see the musical Shrek tomorrow night.

For their part, Kodak, who orchestrated this whole whirlwind adventure, is giving $5,000 to both Kim the French Canadian and Collider.com who got Megan to make her apology.

So, a happy ending mostly! If nothing else, a nice trip to New York for a kid with stars in his eyes.

So mechanical soul-stealing conglomerate Kodak offered $5,000 to anyone who could track down Megan Fox's scorned wooer. The bounty worked. A reader realized she was friends with the lad on Facebook and she's getting the big prize. Young Harvii was flown from London to New York yesterday and scheduled to appear at the Today Show this morning to meet Ms. Fox live in person. But then the Michael Jackson death happened and so Fox was bumped and has flown back to LA. A sad thing. We have a chance to talk to the lad, so we can at least hear his side of the story. Stay tuned for that hard-hitting interview this afternoon.

In the meantime, let's meet the lucky lady!

What's your name, young lady?

My name is Kim Falardeau, 20 yo, from montreal canada. that makes me a french canadian. i like movies travelling, music concerts, i started tattoing, play ps3 psn games  LOL
im a big geek who can beat my bf at w.o.w
hope thats enough

French Canadian! So now that you're a millionaire in Canadian Dollars, what will you do with your riches?

Probably gonna pay off my bills n buy myself a nice imac to match my bfs macbookpro! loll I work in a comunication place but right now im off work cuz im sick
sooooooo ill spend good time on my new computer lol

How terribly practical (read: Canadian) of you!

Last night we received the following email from a nice lady named Kim in Montreal:

Hey guys,
I have this boy on my facebook friends list! I sent Him an email too inform him about kodak, And sent kodak 3 emails with tons of informations
Im crossing my fingers Kodak really tries to contact him!
=)
I Better Win!
lolll

Since the young lad's Facebook profile was set to private and can only be viewed by his "friends," we asked Kim to send us some screengrabs of his Facebook page as proof, and she obliged. As you can see from the gallery below, which includes a pic of our boy with one of those little Jonas freaks, it looks as though we may have found the victim of Megan Fox's smoldering disdain, an 11 year-old Brit named Harvii.

Now hurry up and write Kim a check, Kodak! And Kim, you can give us our ten percent in Canadian dollars, or you can just buy us a round of drinks whenever you're in town. Whatever, we're easy.

The backstory: Megan Fox, the shapely Transformers star and current objet d'onanism for straight males everywhere, was leaving that film's London premiere when a portly and hopeful young lad—eyes gleaming with wonder, palms hairy in adoration—desperately offered her a single yellow rose to show his undying affection (though, son, a yellow rose means friendship, not love, so...) Well, Ms. Fox was so blinded and overwhelmed by the crush of paparazzi and well-wishers that she cruelly ignored him, as captured indelibly at left.

The sad picture made the rounds and Fox was criticized for being callous and cruel to the wants of a child. She's since apologized to the boy on tape, and says she'll personally apologize to him if she finds out his name.

A personal apology from Megan Fox? Better bring a change of pants, boy-o!

Now a kindly major international corporation called Kodak (they make portraiture devices) has intervened and offered REWARD MONEY for the identity of the would-be swain:

Kodak will offer $5,000 to the first person who can provide verifiable information that enables Kodak to make this connection happen. Kodak will also cover travel costs for the young man and his family to help allow destiny to take its course, and provide cameras for him to capture the moment.

Please send us an email at yellowroseboy@gmail.com [oh, and cc tips@gawker.com, though we won't pay you] if you have any information or can help turn the rose boy's dreams into reality.

You guys!!! Find hiiiiiim!

Photo via WENN

In the issue — on sale June 12 — Fox makes it known that she's aware that she's known for her sex appeal more than her acting skills, and true to form, she doesn't hold back from talking about that, or anything else, really. (The pull quote EW used for the cover is the double entendre: "I have a mouth and I'm not afraid to use it.") Reviewing some of what she's said in the past couple of years, it's hard (for me, at least) not to like a 23-year-old who openly talks about farts, fucking, and being a feminist and marijuana enthusiast. Her repeated remarks about not being liked by other females and getting along better with men, can be tiresome, at best, and troubling, at worst, but whether you think she's a straight-talkin' bisexual badass, or an Angelina Faux-lie, it's undeniable that whenever she opens her mouth, for whatever reason, people are listening.

On her mental state:
"I think that I'm so psychotic and so mentally ill that if I could tap into that I could do something really interesting." - Entertainment Weekly, June 2009

"If there's no sun, I go batshit crazy." - Total Film, July 2009

"I haven't gone completely insane, but it might happen soon." - Entertainment Tonight, June 2009

"I have no friends and I never leave my house." - Times of London, June 2009

"My weight fluctuates constantly—I don't really take good care of myself. I just sort of exist and survive." - Elle, June 2009

On men:
"I'm so suspicious of boys-slash-men. I just don't like them or trust them." - Elle, June 2009

"Retards. Ridiculous. So pathetic!" - British GQ, July 2009

"I really don't know anything about being single yet, really. I was with someone from the time I was 18, so I've never been forced to take care of myself. I've always had someone doing that for me." - Elle, June 2009

"I've always gotten along better with boys." - Elle, June 2009

"There are some…actors who have been in the business for a while, who are very egocentric and have been able to sleep with a lot of girls for whatever reason, and because they don't know me they think I'm going to be this little cupcake, this Marilyn Monroe type who's going to bat my eyes and be like a receptacle for them." British GQ, July 2009

"I'm not going to be married - I'm not the marrying type. I know people will say, 'Why are you engaged if you're not the marrying type?' I am impulsive and I love my boyfriend, but I have no plans of getting married any time soon." Extra, April 2009

On women:
"I come across as confident and [women] assume that means that I think I'm hot shit. And that makes them feel bad about themselves and so they hate me." - Entertainment Weekly, June 2009

"I go to the set thinking I'm not going to have any female friends, because that's the reality of the business. From what I've experienced, women aren't good friends to one another. When guys want to hang out with you because your personality is badass, women immediately hate you." - Maxim, July 2007

"I'm actually frightened of [Angelina Jolie]. I haven't had the opportunity to meet her and I try to avoid that because I'm afraid. Angelina's a powerful person and I bet she would eat me alive. I guess that is why I'm afraid of her." - FHM, June 2007

"I was joking [about Angelina]! She always seems otherworldly in her power and her confidence. I'm sure she has no idea who I am. But if I were her, I'd be like, 'Who the fuck is this little bullshit brat who was in Transformers that's going to be the next me?' I don't want to meet her; I'd be embarrassed." - Entertainment Weekly, June 2009

"I'm not trying to take Cate Blanchett down." - USA Today, April 2009

"I didn't get along with Lindsay Lohan on Confessions Of A Teenage Drama Queen, but you have to consider that we were 16-year-old girls. I haven't seen Lindsay since then, but I imagine she's grown and become a different person. I know I have. From what I've experienced, women aren't good friends to one another. When guys want to hang out with you because your personality is badass, women immediately hate you." - Maxim, July 2007

"If you want your girls to feel strong and intelligent and be outspoken and fight for what they think is right, then I want to be that type of role model." - Times of London, June 2009

On Zac Efron:
"Zac Efron is my obsession, we're the same person. We're not actually here, it's like Janet and Michael Jackson. He just puts on his wig and a dress, and it's me, and you don't know that. It's one of the greatest mysteries of all time." - GQ Man of the Year Event, 2008

"Well let me tell you what [High School Musical] is really about. High School Musical is about this group of boys who are all being molested by the basketball coach, who is Zac Efron's dad. It's about them struggling to cope with this molestation. And they have these little girlfriends, who are their beards. Oh, and somehow there's music involved. You have to get stoned to watch it." - Esquire, June 2009

"Robert [Pattinson] and Zac [Efron]—they're just too pretty, with the big hair and the suits." - Elle, May 2009

On drugs:
"I hope they legalize [marijuana] and when they do I'll be the first fucking person in line to buy my pack of joints." - British GQ, July 2009

"I've done drugs, and that's how I know I don't like them. I tried several things in order to make an informed decision, but I didn't enjoy anything other than marijuana. Cocaine is back with a vengeance, everyone in every club is doing drugs. A lot of people are on prescription drugs. Celebrities aren't trying to hide it, except where people have camera phones." - Maxim, 2007

"Before I go onstage anywhere, I take a Xanax now." - GQ, October 2008

On Sexuality:
"Well, I'm clearly not ugly." - Entertainment Weekly, June 2009

"Really my only job is to look attractive. I was so angry about that, that I went in the opposite direction. I turned into a really butch bull dyke for, like, six months... Then I went in the other direction. From being a giant motorcycle-riding lesbian, I turned into a zombie. I lost, like, 30 pounds. I was like, 'I'm losing weight for the movie'. I was telling myself I was being method (method acting), which was so outrageous and ridiculous and not true." - British GQ, July 2009

"I think all women in Hollywood are known as sex symbols. That's what our purpose is in this business. You're merchandised, you're a product. You're sold and it's based on sex. But that's okay. I think women should be empowered by that, not degraded." - Entertainment Weekly, June 2009

"I thought it was awesome [being sexualized at a young age]. I was going to a Christian high school and I wasn't a feminist yet." - Entertainment Weekly, June 2009

"I think people are born bisexual and the make subconscious choices based on the pressures of society. I have no question in my mind about being bisexual. But I'm also a hypocrite: I would never date a girl who is bisexual, because that means they also sleep with men, and men are so dirty that I'd never sleep with a girl who had slept with a man." - Esquire, June 2009

"I'm just really confident sexually, and I think that sort of oozes out of my pores. It's just there. It's something I don't have to turn on." - Elle, June 2009

"If you know how to take control of [being a sex symbol], then it can be powerful. But I have no idea how to handle it yet, how to deal with it." - The Sun, May 2009

"I really enjoy having sex, and that's offensive to some people. Women are the quickest to call other women sluts, which is sad. I haven't met a lot of men who've said, 'You like having sex? What a dirty whore you are!' That's because they wish their wives or girlfriends would have more sex with them." - FHM, 2008

On intelligence:
"I resent having to prove that I'm not a retard." - Esquire, June 2009

"I'm smart and I can be really funny and interesting and I can go toe-to-toe with anybody in a conversation." - Entertainment Weekly, June 2009

"I don't want to have to be like a Scarlett Johansson, who I have nothing against, but I don't want to have to go on talk shows and pull out every single SAT word I've ever learned to prove, like, ‘Take me seriously, I am intelligent, I can speak.'" - Esquire, June 2009

"That was taken out of context. It made it sound like I was suggesting she's pretentious. She's clearly book-smart and she allows people to see that every time she opens her mouth. And I was suggesting that for me to do that - people would receive it as though I was being pretentious." - Entertainment Weekly, June 2009

"I've never been a big believer in formal education." - CosmoGirl, June/July 2008

On fame/Hollywood:
"I used to sit back and think, 'Please, Britney Spears has the best life ever—she has everything she could ever want!' But she has one of the worst lives. Her life is a living fucking nightmare. I have panic attacks thinking about her life." - Entertainment Weekly, June 2009

"We actors are kind of prostitutes. We get paid to feign attraction and love. Other people are paying to watch us kissing someone, touching someone, doing things people in a normal monogamous relationship would never do with anyone who's not their partner. It's really kind of gross." - British GQ, July 2009

"If I show up and give any sort of performance at all, even a mediocre one, everyone will walk away going, ‘Holy shit! Megan did a great job in that movie!' So I'm an overachiever just by default because of the category I've been put in." - Times of London, June 2009

"Oh my God! Screen kissing is f****** gross. This one kid I had to kiss had just eaten. And he passed a piece of whatever it was into my mouth. Not on purpose, like it was in his tooth or something. And it was really salty. I almost cried. I was a bitch for the rest of the day." - British GQ, July 2009

"It pisses me when people fucking complain that I'm too beautiful to get this part. That's bullshit. You wouldn't be working if you weren't attractive. Hollywood is the most superficial thing you could possibly be a part of. And if I weren't attractive I wouldn't be working at all." - Esquire, June 2009

"I've done one movie. And it's not a movie I want to stand on as far as acting ability goes. I mean, I'm not going to win an Oscar anytime soon. I'm not Meryl Streep." - GQ, October 2008

"I would love to do a movie naked; it would be beautiful. No one dares make that kind of film today. They did it in the 1930s in an arty way, so why not now?" - The Daily Star, July 2008

"Maybe, you know, [my next role can be] something that's more of a character piece that doesn't involve a leather motorcycle outfit." - Entertainment Tonight, June 2009

Randoms:
"I'm horrible to live with. I don't clean. My clothes end up wherever I take them off. I forget to flush the toilet. Friends will tell me, "Megan, you totally pinched a loaf in my toilet and didn't flush." - FHM, June 2007

"I am pretty sure I am a doppelganger for Alan Alda. I'm a tranny. I'm a man. I'm so painfully insecure. I'm on the verge of vomiting now. I am so horrified that I am here, and embarrassed. I'm scared," – Red carpet interview at the Golden Globes, 2009

"I wouldn't regret [my "Brian" tattoo] if we weren't together. I can always have a kid and name him Brian. There are options." - FHM, June 2007

"If you eat Chinese food, your farts come out like Chinese food. If you eat Mexican food, your farts come out like Mexican food. And milk, it's like-you can smell the warmth in the fart. My wardrobe on Transformers always smells like farts, and I have no idea why." - GQ, October 2008

"I need to behave in a way that will cause people to take me seriously." - Entertainment Tonight, June 2009

"I don't hang out in strip clubs so much anymore. But when I just turned 18, and dare I say, before 18, it was just my thing. I was just so happy to be doing something I knew my mom would die if she knew where I was. I was going through that stage. I would go with my girlfriends. It was a really fun and loose environment. There's one strip club in L.A. that I would go to called 'The Body Shop.' I was obsessed with it, and I'm in love with Motley Crue because Vince Neil sings about it in 'Girls, Girls, Girls.' I would go there and think, 'Oh my God, Vince Neil and Tommy Lee would come here! It's so amazing!' I don't do that anymore. But every once in a while I don't mind going out with some guys and hanging at a strip club." - GQ, October 2008

The last word:
"I don't understand why people don't have a f—-ing sense of humor. Always assume that I'm being sarcastic." - Entertainment Weekly, June 2009

Megan Fox: 'Fallen' Angel [Entertainment Weekly]

In perhaps the most notorious example of a suddenly superfluous tattoo, Johnny Depp had "Winona Forever" inked onto his arm in a tribute to then-fiancée Winona Ryder. Depp eventually had his tattoo changed to read "Wino Forever," eschewing the somewhat more enigmatic, possibly golf-related "Win a Fore."


Jude Law quoted the Beatles in a forearm tattoo honoring wife Sadie Frost: "You came along to turn on everything, Sexy Sadie." The two divorced after six years of marriage, and Law has covered up the lyric with a tattoo of a heart.


As soon as Juno was released, Oscar-winning screenwriter Diablo Cody announced that she was single and looking to mingle with all eligible homeskillets by inking over her husband's name.


Instead of covering up her "Billy Bob" tattoo, Angelina Jolie simply had it lasered off after she split up with Billy Bob Thornton. In response, Jennifer Aniston finally rubbed off a Magic Marker tribute to Tate Donovan on her inner thigh.


Tom Arnold had a variety of terrifying Roseanne-related tattoos inflicted onto his body when the two were married, including one on his hindquarters. All four tattoos have reportedly been lasered off; we are declining to look for visual proof and will take him at his word.


When Pamela Anderson and Tommy Lee split, she had her ring finger tattoo modified from "Tommy" to "Mommy." No word on whether Lee was able to cover up the "Pamela" he had tattooed onto his penis; if there are any groupies out there with Hep C and stories about a schlong scrawled with "Penisla," let us know.

An eagle-eyed tipster alerted us to this unfortunate indignity, wherein Fox's contemporaries are recognized largely by their signature efforts while the starlet herself — with two blockbusters on the way — is stuck with the burden of her Rumer Willis-aided, Thomas Dekker-abetted hooker masterpiece Whore. Not nice! This would be like gaming the system to have STARmeter #1 Robert Pattinson affiliated with something like, say, Amateur Porn Star Killer 3D: Inside the Head. Oh. Wait.

• STARmeter [IMDb Pro]

Sorry dreamers — the lovely Fox isn't planning to don the slinky jumpsuit. A spokesperson for Megan Fox denied the rumors to io9, saying, "She's not involved in the movie at all."

I know this is a huge upset to many of you, because who knows how many more thigh holsters Jolie would be willing to strap on, and we totally agree with the idea of putting Fox into Croft's boots. She's got the prerequisite attitude, lips and hips.

Latino Review first leaked the story from Europa Press in Spain that Megan Fox was indeed the next in line to don the long Croft pony tail.

There's no director attached, and I'm not even sure if a third has been greenlit, but Fox does look the part and her success from the Transformers movies means she could finally have her own big name character that could lead to future sequels. The article says that they're looking to shoot in 2010 with a release date of 2011.

As of right now Fox is not the next Croft, but that doesn't mean we can't start a grass-roots campaign to get her in.

Boomp3.com

At the 12th annual Hollywood Film Festival awards, popular culture impresario Diablo Cody decided to celebrate Halloween a few days earlier, doing her best zombie walk down the red carpet. Cody described herself as a fresh zombie, just a couple of hours old, but also felt she could go another way with her outfit. Cody said, “It’s a tad Stepfordy too. Like if Pris from Blade Runner was somebody’s wife.”

[Photo Credit: Getty Images]

*A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

After the jump: George Romero revives the dead, AMC goes to Mars and Megan Fox gets her impact gauged. Hot!

· Bryan Singer should love this: A new study indicates that the most expensive films to produce are generally the most profitable in the long run. [THR]
· Flexing its intergalactic genre muscle once more, AMC is in talks to develop the sci-fi novel Red Mars as a series. [THR]
· Who are among those young stars receiving career report cards in Variety 2008 Youth Impact Report? Try Blake Lively, The Jonas Brothers, Megan Fox and — wait for it — Thor Bradwell. Indeed, if repping High School Musical talent doesn't work out, that is a name made for porn. [Variety]
· George A. Romero is quietly shooting a new zombie film about an isolated island where dead relatives return to eat their kin. Working title: Lucasfilm. [Variety]

WHAT'S NEW: This is the week we've been waiting for since May, when Disney ignored our urgent plea to immediately release Beverly Hills Chihuahua from its high-camp captivity. And now that it's here, we're kind of over it; blame it on last month's chihuahua-only sneak preview. Not like the sadists at Disney need us: BHC is this week's only new family release and will do business accordingly, setting up for around $32.3 million over the three-day. The Michael Cera/Kat Dennings effort Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist will ride teens and the date crowd to about $17 million, which still won't be enough to overtake Eagle Eye for second place. Nothing else will break $10 million; Greg Kinnear's windshield-wiper biopic (!) Flash of Genius is on too few screens, Julianne Moore's dodgy drama Blindness will fall victim to the angry blind lobby, and Ed Harris's expanding Western Appaloosa couldn't find traction when it was on 1,000 screens, let alone 2,000.

Most of the remaining release slate looks like a gang of orphans hassling tourists for change: Jia Zhangke's acclaimed Still Life; the timely, revealing political doc Boogie Man: The Lee Atwater Story, Rutger Hauer's psychological love-triangle drama Mentor; Obscene, the story of Grove Press publisher Barney Rosset; the Muslim stand-up concert film Allah Made Me Funny, and the Iraq-vet basket case drama The Violent Kind.

THE BIG LOSER: MGM's hard-luck streak looks likely to continue with How to Lose Friends and Alienate People, the adaptation of Toby Young's thinly-veiled bestseller about his misadventures in the Conde Nast empire. It won't fail for lack of trying — at least not with a cast including Simon Pegg, Kirsten Dunst, Megan Fox and Jeff Bridges rocking his best Graydon Carter impression — and a month ago, in less-congested times, this may have even had some multiplex leverage. But in this glut, with the reviews it's receiving and audience awareness less than half of what it needs to be, expect a $3 million opening and quick dispatch to DVD. Where, in fairness, the Fox connection will more than make up for it stillbirth at the box office.

THE UNDERDOG: Religulous is already exhibiting legs in New York, where it opened Wednesday to $13,000 on two screens. It'll bulk up it Oscar doc creds this weekend alongside Rachel Getting Married, a genuinely brilliant piece of ensemble filmmaking by Jonathan Demme and an awards-season lock for Anne Hathaway. But like last week's evangelically supported Fireproof, which "shocked" everyone but us with a $6.5 million opening, watch the conservative satire An American Carol explode in the red states. Vivendi pushed it aggressively before and after last night's debate, it's critic-proof (not that it was available for review) and will fare far better on 1,600 screens — like "$6.3 million" better — than anyone will give it credit for.

FOR SHUT-INS: This week's new DVD releases include Iron Man, Forgetting Sarah Marshall, Julian Schnabel's rock doc Lou Reed's Berlin, the steroid expose Bigger, Faster, Stronger* and, because you (or somebody) asked for it, Can't Hardly Wait: The 10th Anniversary Edition.

So how do you plan to sort out the mess at the multiplex? Are there chihuahuas in your future? Can Kinnear's windshield wipers overcome? Can American Carol be the pandering sensation it aspires to? Call your shots, and aim carefully; there are too many innocent bystanders in the mix this week.