Universal decided to promote its movie "Fourth Kind," about real live actual alien abductions in Alaska that actually happened, by publishing a fake archive of fake news stories from real Alaska papers, purporting to report on the fake things that happened in the fake movie. Then the real Alaska papers were like, whoa, hey, pretty sure we didn't write any real obits of fictional characters lately, and Universal was like, ha, you're right, we're giving $20k to the Alaska Press Club to show you how sorry we are. The studio also vowed to pull all the fake stories off the internet, but, of course, you can still find some cached on Google.

The Tribune Co. is very interested in expressing outrage over any Hollywood movies that may choose to use fake LA Times headlines to recount any imaginary tales of murder, scandal, or disaster, whether human or alien. Call them.

Emergency rooms across the land saw a 73% increase in head trauma-related visits in the days following Richardson's death. But, since normal people aren't as important as celebrities, only about 3% of those visits were of a serious matter.

Like all fads, however, this one passed: within two weeks the number of ER-flybys went back to the pre-Richardson death levels.

While Kraft and other companies have said they won't cut the still-popular Williams from their endorsement payrolls, the tennis player's even more valuable to her latest employer, Tampax, because other famous ladies don't want to be associated with such a sticky subject. So says a Tampax brand manager named Courtney Shuster:

This is pretty encouraging for the feminine care category. A lot of celebrities are not open to working with our brand, and we're thrilled that Serena is.

Indeed. It takes a lot of — um — guts to appear in the above advert, in which actress Catherine Lloyd Burns, playing the oh-so-clever "Mother Nature," insists there's no bad blood between her and her imaginary competitor, Serena. "Well, there is plenty of blood, but none of it's bad."

The New York Times points out that the NY Post found this line "graphic," but we think it's genius. We're sick and tired of commercials avoiding bodily fluids. Rather than seeing dancing bears extol the power of a toilet paper's absorbency, why not just say, "This product's great for diarrhea?" Maybe Serena and her brave, however tacit, admission of vaginal bleeding will change all that.

In a word: no. When Updike wrote the book, he wanted to break free of his generally misogynistic mold and created women who weren't whorish, stupid or baby killers.

Some argue, yes, that the portrayal of women as witches only reinforces negative stereotypes, but Updike disagreed. "Let us respectfully construe the word 'witch' as 'free woman," he explained, while also assuring critics that the book was "one attempt to make things right with my, what shall we call them, feminist detractors." Political or no, the book was pure Updike: a dirty, satirical examination of American ways.

While most of the original's sumptuous descriptions couldn't be directly translated to film, at least the 1987 adaptation provided an excuse to bring three lovely actresses — Cher, Michelle Pfeifer and Susan Sarandon — onto one screen. Plus, it's pretty damn good and was wildly popular, which explains why Hollywood types continue to salivate over the story of three magical women and the man they love, Darryl von Horne. Separate pilots were shot in 1992 and 2002. Neither made the cut, obviously. So why would ABC have a go?

It's unlikely they wantto make a feminist statement, nor do the show's previews have much hint of satire — or even brains. And certainly a network show can't be as sexy as the book or the movie, although the writers will definitely try.

No, the network appears to be trying to capitalize on pop culture's supernatural obsession while also attempting a revival of its Desperate Housewives brand of quirky soap. None of that should be surprising considering the remake mania that has swept the nation as of late, not to mention the recent spate of spooky soaps.

But will viewers buy it? Who knows. The reviews haven't been great. Washington Post critic Tom Shales already says he wants it to "disappear," while the Boston Herald says the show has "all the markings of being an early casualty of the season." That's not very promising. This writer loves the show's more recognizable stars, Lindsay Price and Rebecca Romijn, and I hope it doesn't get axed right away, but even on paper this sounds like an unnecessary, doomed mission, so I'm not holding my breath.

It's hard to know what Updike would say about this whole mess, because he's dead, although this quote may provide a hint: "Americans have been conditioned to respect newness, whatever it costs them." That's obviously no longer true.

One of Finke's many charms is the way she has treated her readership like her boss—she'll call in sick via a post, or beg for just a few more minutes to get her thoughts together on breaking news. And as any regular reader knows, she scarcely goes a month without going dark for a day or two for some reason or other, which she invariably explains on her blog in the manner of a harried writer trying to get an editor off her back: I'm down with the flu, I've got jury duty, this damn internet's not working, I had some bad dental work, I broke my hand.

We're all for writers taking time off. And we're in no way prepared to put our own work ethic up against Finke's. But ever since she sold DeadlineHollywoodDaily.com to Jay Penske's Mail.com in a reported multimillion-dollar deal that has her earning $400,000 a year, we've wondered how Finke's frequently erratic work habits would mesh with a real boss, who has investors to satisfy. So we've decided to keep an eye on Finke's "I'm out today" posts, to see what a $400k blogger can get away with.

Last Thursday, Finke wrote that she had been in the hospital by way of explaining a shortage of recent posts. We hope she's OK. Finke has written in the past that she suffers from diabetes, which may explain her frequent absences from blogging (though it hasn't hampered a long and active career that has included stints in Moscow and London for the Associated Press). She seems to have bounced back fairly quickly from her latest illness, with a lot of posts over the weekend.

To put Finke's salary in perspective, we've gone through her archives and put together a sampling—and this really is just a sampling—of her posts offering reasons for not being able to work. We hope that in her new, corporate environment, Finke will find a way to pace herself and accommodate a more predictable work schedule. Because we agree with this blogger, who wrote a post called "Why Hollywood Gets No Work Done" in 2006:

I was shocked to hear that Hollywood types were already leaving town for the July 4th holiday. It's bad enough you guys cancel four straight scheduled meetings with screenwriters. Or have your assistants book appointments six months ahead which you'll cancel anyway. And all without a twinge of guilt. But lately you've become Slacker Town.

Finke is no slacker—anyone who's been on the business end of her reporter's notebook knows that she is not afraid to put in the hours on any given story. But she certainly does seem to cancel a lot of appointments with her readers:

September 17, 2009

September 14, 2009

September 10, 2009

August 12, 2009

July 31, 2009

July 13, 2009

July 9, 2009

July 7, 2009

June 29, 2009

April 20, 2009

April 15, 2009

April 6, 2009

April 2, 2009

March 30, 2009

November 10, 2008

November 3, 2008

October 15, 2008

September 11, 2008

September 4, 2008

August 1, 2008

July 28, 2008

July 9, 2008

June 10, 2008

June 9, 2008

May 20, 2008

May 16, 2008

May 15, 2008

April 23, 2008

April 1, 2008

February 20, 2008

February 12, 2008

January 23, 2008

January 14, 2008

January 9, 2008

December 27, 2007

December 17, 2007

December 10, 2007

November 30, 2007

October 16, 2007

October 10, 2007

October 1, 2007

September 13, 2007

August 13, 2007

July 20, 2007

July 13, 2007

July 11, 2007

July 7, 2007

February 25, 2007

December 30, 2006

December 5, 2006

September 11, 2006

June 12, 2006

[Full disclosure: Your blogger's wife works as an editor at Finke's former employer, Village Voice Media, and occasionally edited her stories.]

In their decision to cancel an hour of primetime with another talk show, NBC has taken a wrecking ball to one of the last pillars of old media. From Network Presidents in the iron towers, to alternative comedians at open mikes in coffee houses - everyone, everyone wants Jay Leno to fail. And around the web, the press has welcomed Leno's bow tonight with all the warmth and ceremony of the nightshift at Abu Ghraib. In a media accustomed to writing glowing portraits every time a new temp comes to work with Ugly Betty, Jay is being met with stone faces all around the picnic.

For a man who made his way as the safest, middle-of-the-roadiest of entertainers since Bob Hope's late period, to suddenly find himself a public outlaw, must be a strange fate. Although the NY Times paints a picture of a man who despite a more or less meteoric rise to replacing Johnny Carson the last true king of media, has nonetheless been treated like dirt all his life, including being advised by a high school guidance counselor to consider dropping out.

The fight against Leno, for network TV partisans, has the look of a desperate final attempt at a breakout - a Battle of the Bulge - one last chance to show your might in a war whose fate has already been decided; a fight that even if they win it, still leaves the networks mortally wounded and with fewer and fewer roads to safety, or as the LA Times' Scott Collins gently put it, if Jay fails they are then let, "to flail about in search of a viable new business model."

Among the foes Leno faces when he takes to the airwaves at ten o'clock tonight:

• TV producers, writers, actors, grips, agents - everyone who takes a piece of the bloated production budgets a primetime drama throws off.
• Affiliate stations. NBC claims its okay with lower ratings than they might get from a drama because the cost of producing Leno will be so much cheaper. But that potentially leaves affiliates holding the bag as the ten o'clock hour provides the lead-in for their wholly owned local news shows.
• Every other late night host, who will have to compete for guests against a show in a far more desirable slot.
• Network executives, who make their careers on their show-picking prowess, script notes and the general meddling that the extended dramatic TV production process leaves room for, have much less to fiddle with on a talk show.
• Cool people, for whom Leno has always represented old, stody and predicable versus the edgier Conan, Kimmel or all time cool people's icon David Letterman.

In fact, the only people who stand to gain from Leno's bow are TV audiences.

You could say that if all you did was eliminate an hour of primetime network dramas and replace them with nothing, that would alone be a net gain.

If one looks at the big three's 10 pm schedules for the fall, at the alternatives to Leno, suddenly nightly installments of Jaywalking and Jay reads the wacky headlines doesn't look all that awful.

Here is the complete list of the new shows airing against Leno:
• Castle, about a mystery writer who finds a serial killer is re-enacting murders from his books (wasn't that the plot of Basic Instinct).
• The Forgotten: Another Jerry Bruckheimer cop show, this one starring Christian Slater as a man whose daughter has been abducted who hunts for other people's abducted children.
• The Good Wife: A lawyer must go back to work and returns to the courtroom after her politician husband is imprisoned.
• Eastwick: A perennially super idea: adapt The Witches of Eastwick..
• Private Practice: A Gray's Anatomy Spin-off.

When you think about it, what was the last time the networks launched a decent drama? Or even a hit one that wasn't a CSI or a NCIS? It's been a while since Desperate Housewivess and Lost came around. Fox and CW still manages to churn out some surprises like Glee and 90210. But in general, the big threes process simply exists to screw up shows that might have been gripping intense dramas had they appeared on HBO, AMC or FX.

Without Leno, that list above might have been two or three shows longer. And so for that alone, America owes him thanks. As Leno himself put it, if his show doesn't work, NBC will just have to "go back to Lipstick Jungle."

To many news outlets, the funeral and its cast of characters were breaking news. Jackson was one of the most talented, successful and media-ready celebrities ever. Every twist and turn since the singer's death has become a headline, a morsel to be devoured by an ever-hungry public. Still, tonight's script had somewhat hushed and network anchors were forced to offer tabloid details (Liz! Macaulay Culkin! Lisa Marie Prestley!) while also describing the event as "intimate." That combination, we're sure, sparked a bit of cognitive dissonance.

But clearly this mournful milestone was not simply a family affair. Yes, fans were prohibited from participating, but, in the end, only about a dozen even showed. It was the media the police had to wrangle and keep confined. Even barricaded, though, the media still received its feed from the Jackson family itself, who had set up a spot light and camera to mark the occasion. Whether it was for our benefit or theirs depends on one's perspective and levels of cynicism.

Blessedly, though, cameras were turned off for the actual funeral, during which Gladys Knight sang and Al Sharpton spoke. The spectacle that has surrounded Jackson himself, his body and his nearly ritualistic send-off has finally come to a close. The story of his death and those involved, however, will go on, and of course will not remain so respectful.

"Weinstein has been shopping around his stake in a small world. He needs liquidity fast, willing to take a heavy discount (as in 50% or more), the sharks should be circling soon."

We checked up their tip with a source close to the Weinsteins and got confirmation that the company did at least entertain the idea of selling its share in A Small World. "They were approached by an interested party and were willing to hear what they had to say," says our source.

As we've mentioned from time to time, the Weinstein Co. is in a tight spot. If Inglourious Basterds and Halloween II don't do gangbusters, it might not have enough cash on hand to promote the rest of its 2009 slate of films. Selling their share of A Small World probably wouldn't generate much — it was never revealed how much they paid for their stake in 2006 — but desperate times call for scrounging for pocket change wherever you can find it.

A Small World—which is supposed to be an exclusive digital playground for the hyper-rich—can't be a growth business in the midst of the worst economic calamity since the Great Depression. The Weinsteins might just be cutting bait, and that might even be a smart move irrespective of their larger financial picture.

When season three kicks off on Sunday night, it won't be without a whole lot of fanfare. "Look at Mad Men, it has fancy clothes and great style and retro doo-dads. It is written by women and they can make ads too. So, which ad exec matches which Mad Men character? Or, let's play that game with the media instead. Wait, what Mad Men character are you? You're so special you need to create your own."

The show is notoriously secret about what's going to happen except that it's set in 1963 (Spoiler Alert: The president is assassinated!) and the media, which is obviously in the show's whiskey-soaked thrall, is playing along with it. Well, the first reviews are starting to creep out and, guess what. People seem to like it. We hadn't heard!

Former Billboard writer and senior editor Chuck Taylor recently attended a charity event where poor Gwyneth was forced at gunpoint into be the guest of honor and wrote about the experience on his blog.

The press gathered on a balcony above the setting for the $375-a-plate dinner as Paltrow entered amid the typical madness and mania that accompanies any celeb standing in front of camera crews. If you've never seen it, you'd almost pity the star (until, of course, you remember that this is a responsibility of their choice to be in the public eye), as photogs shout out, "Gwyneth, look here." "Look to the right." "Smile." "Turn your head." "You look great." "Hey, Gwyneth, turn around." "Look over your shoulder." "Can you smile again?" It's truly bombast like nothing else in the entertainment business, and you wonder how these folks manage to look relaxed and smile ever so sweetly.

Then again, you consider that an actress like Paltrow makes $10 million per picture... and empathy evaporates. Deal with it. For that reason, it was astonishing to hear the disgruntled comments from the press on the elevator, as we were hurried back to the lobby, that Miss Gwyneth was overheard telling her publicist, "I'm done. Get the roaches out of here," referring to those very photographers that deliver her pictures to the wire services, newspapers and weekly celebrity magazines, helping her maintain any semblance of relevance.

Poor Gwyneth. She's like the Harriet Tubman of modern celebrities, just out there doing everything she can to liberate the masses with colon-cleanses, butt-toning exercises and tasty chicken-roasting recipes. So why do you media "roaches" insist on strapping Her Goopiness to a muddy stump and lashing her with your stinging whips, because that's exactly what you're doing every time you take Gwyneth's picture at a charity event, okay! Leave Gwyneth alone!

There has long been tension between the White House and the networks, who don't like having their excruciatingly calibrated schedules torn up by politicians for political purposes. So when Obama scheduled a press conference to discuss his health care proposals for 9 p.m. tomorrow night, which would seriously screw up the networks' plans, the networks led by last-place NBC balked, obliging Obama to move it to 8 o'clock. And Fox, like they did for Obama's last primetime presser, just told the White House to fuck off, but that's a different story.

In any case, in describing the programming scramble caused by the press conference, The Hollywood Reporter pretty much sums up why no one watches broadcast TV any more:

The stakes were particularly high for NBC, which airs the most-watched show of the summer, "America's Got Talent," at 9 p.m. This week, the reality hit includes a heavily promoted interview with "Britain's Got Talent" singing sensation Susan Boyle.... ABC News often has the highest-rated coverage of Obama's primetime events and ABC was leaning toward carrying the conference all day. In one respect, the shift to 8 p.m. could make their night more tricky. ABC's highest-rated reality show, "Wipeout," will be pushed to 9 p.m. to face "America's Got Talent" along with "So You Think You Can Dance," with "I Survived a Japanese Game Show" moved to 10 p.m. The ABC News special "Over a Barrel: The Truth About Oil," originally slated for 10 p.m. Wednesday, will air Friday as a special edition of "20/20."

Fox airs its top-rated two-hour "So You Think You Can Dance" on Wednesday nights and will direct viewers to Fox News for the news conference.

That's right, television executives were willing to face down the White House over Susan Boyle and retreads of Japanese game shows where people bathe in squids and razor blades. The last time this happened, when George W. Bush scheduled a presser on the first day of May sweeps in 2005, they forced him to change the start time over CSI, Will & Grace, and The O.C. That's how far they've fallen. In their defense, summer has become the traditional time for vile reality TV. But the fact that NBC essentially told Barack Obama, "We are not going to take your press conference at 9 p.m. because we have to air a deranged foreign lady and amateur vocalist" is a good measure of just how desperate they are.

The solution of course, is to just break up the press conferences with ad slots. It's an engaged, Tivo-proof audience, and there are dozens of brands out there that would love to be associated with Obama. Back in February, his 8 p.m. presser netted NBC 9.75 million viewers—2 million more than stuck around for Heroes an hour later.

• The event starts at 10 a.m., L.A. time. Who will be carrying it live? Everybody! Specifically, "All the major networks and a host of cable news and entertainment channels, including CNN, MSNBC, E! Entertainment, TV Guide Network and TV One."
• "More than 1.6 million people registered over the weekend for a chance at one of 17,500 free tickets to the service."
• To make things a little more lively, MJ's dead body will be in attendance! Appearing alongside the corpse: "Mariah Carey, Usher, John Mayer, Jennifer Hudson ­as well as a delegation from Motown, the label that nurtured Mr. Jackson as the child star of the Jackson 5. There are also figures from sports (Magic Johnson, Kobe Bryant), politics (Al Sharpton, Martin Luther King III), movies and television (Brooke Shields) and the church (the Andrae Crouch Choir)."
• The presence of Michael himself is, of course, driving the TV anchors wild with hyperbole. As well as anyone speaking to the TV anchors. Said Ken Sunshine, PR man for the event: "Michael Jackson is the biggest figure emitting love ever." HEH.
• According to vague "experts" and "analysts," one billion people will watch this thing. Christ. Let's hope not.
• And through all of this madness, reporters won't even be given any food that they can't pay for themselves. Or phones! Sounds nice. From the official media advisory:
  

In a piece on how web users are spending increasing amounts of time watching video on the web, Stelter credits Hollywood for the change in our viewing habits:

TV networks get much of the credit for the longer-length viewing behavior. In the past two TV seasons, nearly every broadcast show has been streamed free on the Internet, making users accustomed to watching TV online for 20-plus minutes at a time. By some estimates, one in four Internet customers now uses Hulu, an online home for NBC and Fox shows, every month. "Dancing With the Stars," the popular ABC reality show, draws almost two million viewers on ABC.com, according to Nielsen.

Stelter goes on to theorize that this Hollywood-inspired increase in time spent watching video on the web has led to much of the new scripted content on the web is being created independently, outside of the traditional, soul-sucking Hollywood development system.

The viral videos of YouTube 1.0 - dog-on-skateboard and cat-on-keyboard - are being supplemented by a new, more vibrant generation of online video. Production companies are now creating 10- and 20-minute shows for the Internet and writing story arcs for their characters - essentially acting more like television producers, while operating far outside the boundaries of a network schedule.

Much of the video innovation is coming from people who - empowered by inexpensive editing equipment and virtually no distribution costs - are creating content specifically for an online audience.

"On the Web, producers have this delicious freedom to produce content as long as it should be. They're starting to take advantage of that," (Blip.tv co-founder Dina) Kaplan said.

Though we agree with much of what Stelter says, one point we'd like to expand on that isn't addressed in Stelter's piece, something we addressed previously in a post titled "The End of Television as We Know It" back in May, is that we believe eventually someone will independently shoot and distribute an episodic series online that will become a cultural phenomenon, something people discuss around the proverbial water-cooler on a regular basis, and that will be the moment when the scale is officially tipped and the television networks run the risk of becoming little more than relics of a bygone era. How far off into the future is something like that happening is anyone's guess, but it certainly seems as though we're getting closer and closer with each passing day.

Rise of Web Video, Beyond Two-Minute Clips [New York Times]

1. Went on date with Cheers actor; issued press release that went viral while on date. Not many publicists can claim that.

2. January 14, 2009: handled publicity for "Birthday Bash for Hollywood Publicist Charmaine Blake."

3. "First Publicist to ever put 'ED HARDY WATER' ON THE MAP"

4. May 10, 2008: "Launch of a personal underwater aircraft"

5. Domination of mindspace: "Charmaine Blake – What is she doing today? That is the question that Hollywood, Californians have in their minds from time to time."

6. Not being held back by her given name: "Fun is her middle name, but business is her fortay."

7. November 10, 2006: "the 1st Annual Read to succeed literacy gala. Honoring congress woman maxine waters and Lu Var Burton"

8. Diversity of skills: "Charmaine Blake is a famous publicist, who works hard for her clients and then plays hard."

9. Not a liar: "Charmaine Blake is getting famous from what she does and that is why we say that she is the publicist in the spotlight. She really is!"

10. "Professionalism"

Ominously named The Intelligence Group, CAA's market research subsidiary "builds creative solutions for (their) clients." But their "best known division" is Youth Intelligence. According to their language they're the "premier research group focused on Gen X and Gen Y (ages 14 to 39)," to all of which I say: nice demos.

But: do the higher ups at CAA know that the swarmy pollsters Youth Intelligence put a poll out in the field only a day after Michael Jackson's death, looking to do focus group work on Jackson's demise? The email:

From: YI PANEL
Subject: the passing of michael jackson
To: [Redacted]
Date: Friday, June 26, 2009, 9:05 PM

Hello friends-

The passing of Michael Jackson was a crazy surprise, and has left many of us truly saddened. He was a pretty incredible artist whose influence on pop culture is immeasurable. Because the impact of his music, his fashion, and his talents was felt by so many around the world, we're very much interested in your reaction to his passing.

What does Michael Jackson mean to you?
What kind of impact did he have on your life?
Are you doing anything to memorialize him? If so, what?

It would be awesome if you could send us your thoughts by Sunday night - and thank you for sharing.

The Intelligence Group

The image associated with this post is best viewed using a browser.Awesome, indeed. We received this email late Friday night; I contacted The Intelligence Group for comment, they have yet to get back to me.

On that note, we've got three questions for The Intelligence Group:

1. Aren't the results of this research ultimately going to be swayed and too varied due to the intense newsdump that's taken place over the weekend to be of any substantial use?

2. Market research one day after Jackson died, with the body still warm, and someone's looking for answers that will eventually lead them to build a "creative solution" somewhere?

3. Won't the gigantic celebrities CAA represents - among them, friends and cohorts of Jackson's, surely - find this a little, uh, callous?

You can reach us here with whatever answers you've got for us. It would be awesome if you could send us your thoughts by the time your CAA overlords read this. And thanks for sharing.

- Gawker Weekend

The profile details Ellis' move to L.A. and comes in the middle of his writing the "sequel" to his first book, Less Than Zero (which made him a literary superstar at the age of 20), which is tentatively titled Imperial Bedrooms. The article - which isn't avalible online - paints Ellis as kind of sad and living a very existential, somewhat disconnected life. Also, he thinks The Hills is genius. The full quote, transcribed from print:

He is, however-and on this subject, he is highly animated-a huge fan of MTV's scripted reality series of the young and the monied in L.A., THE HILLS. "I think THE HILLS is the greatest show I have ever seen in my life," he says, sincerely. "It is a modern masterpiece. I think that ADAM DeVILLO is a mad genius. He creates it and controls it perfectly." Mr. ELLIS is very specific about the way he watches THE HILLS. "I'm holding off on Season 4 right now. I started watching a bit of it, but I'm waiting until the DVD comes out because I want to see it all so beautifully mastered. Even if you download the show there is that irritating MTV logo in the corner. It doesn't work for me that way. It has to be on a big screen with the sound right up. It blows me away...I'm sorry, but whoever invented HEIDI MONTAG and SPENCER PRATT are just...nothing matches it. I've never see L.A. look more beautiful in a work of art. There are no movies that are as beautiful as that."

This is why I'm never moving to L.A. Just like The City is why you should never move to New York.

He was also, interestingly enough, called out on a social networking site on a date going out ("BRET ELLIS is not a fan of social-networking sites. He has been "caught out" by someone on a dating site, though understandable doesn't care to flesh out that story. He won't try it again.").

Thing is, this makes an interesting point that I've never really considered before. The Hills is the tame, boring drug-less version of Less Than Zero (note to Hills producers: show them doing blow, and I'll watch). A bunch of severely disaffected brats, fucking around with their parents' money, creating an awe-inspiring charade of lives inextricably tied to the celebrity culture of Hollywood. This raises the question: was Less Than Zero the predecessor to The Hills? Do we blame Ellis for Speidi? Is Paul Telegdy off the hook today?

Meanwhile, Fantastic Man, which could be a test-tube baby between Esquire and McSweeny's, is kind of a fascinating product. It's a giant, pretty magazine with nice pages and a strange sense of humor. It costs $11. And it has Bret Easton Ellis on the cover, drinking a Diet Coke. This should tell you what kind of magazine it is: at once both kind of genius and a complete waste of one's time. I love it.

For example, in one issue, there is:

- A 1,000 word essay from the Editor-In-Chief of Interview on waking up with a hangover in Paris.

- A 1,000 word treatise on the greatness that is toast.

- A designation of the word "Super" as their word of the season. This is written on their masthead.

- A selection of single meals art-world people have had recently (one of them: pervy photog Terry Richardson's meal of a vegetarian burrito from Pinche Taqueria in New York. "For dessert, he had a pack of sour Skittles, also very 'yum yum.'").

- And a cover story featuring Bret Easton Ellis with nothing to promote. Did we mention he was drinking a Diet Coke?

America is inexplicably fascinated with these child-rearing maniacs—a brood of kids, an unhappy marriage, what could be better to watch? I can think of literally thousands of things, but that's not the point. The point is that these people's "dramatic" lives make Americans buy gossip magazines, meaning that an entire bloodsucking industry (ours, more or less) now depends on these two purely random walking warnings against fertility drugs. The possible outcomes of tonight's show, ranked from least appealing for gossip mags to most appealing:

1. Divorce—it would be a big story for a week, at most, then die out. These people would gradually be forgotten and maybe their kids could grow up in peace. That doesn't move magazines.

2. They made up! They're staying together!—This would be good for a few weeks of crap—the original stories, then the follow ups on "How they did it," etc., and updates on how it's going for as many weeks or months as the public's interest would bear. Which wouldn't be all that many because, let's face it, happiness doesn't sell. (This was the winning guess in our poll last week, btw).

3. Separation, followed by endless rounds of reconciliation, spats, and counseling—This is the gold mine. It's an entire season's worth of marital drama all by itself. It drags everything out. It offers no easy resolution, just more arguments and paid. Which are television gold! This is what Bonnie Fuller thinks will happen, and she is an expert on momentary celebrity and its discontents.

So you all watch tonight and see what happens and talk to Richard, not me, about it, please lord.

The kind of seriously interesting part of this story is that RadarOnline claims that they're a news organization, and the state can't restrict what they cover. But the California Labor Department claims they're just another entertainment company, and must therefore abide by child labor laws and get an "entertainment permit" and an on-site teacher for the kids and everything else. Wouldn't it be interesting if this turned into one of those strange bedfellows-type cases, with all the media coming together to defend RadarOnline's right to cover the most bottom-of-the-barrel "news" imaginable? It could happen!

Instead of dwelling on that, we bring you this new quote from Octo-Grandma:

"The babies have no inkling," she said. And Suleman's older children "think it's fun," she said, adding that sometimes they stick their tongues out at the camera.

America's right to freak shows is guaranteed by the Constitution!
[LAT]

Crime Scene Blog says:

Don't know all the details yet, but the state has apparently gone after RadarOnline for filming Octomom's kids in violation of state labor laws.

We're no lawyers, but considering the fact that showing her out-of-control kids was clearly one of RadarOnline's greatest reasons for making all the Octomom vids in the first place, there might be something there. We'll let you know as we find out more.

UPDATE: KTLA News in LA says that RadarOnline failed to follow California's, uh,quite extensive set of child labor laws, particularly regarding infants:

Labor Commission officials say the violations relate to the evening of March 17th, when her first two of the octuplets arrived home from the hospital...
The web site failed to get a work permit, an entertainment permit and did not have a studio teacher on site while filming was taking place.

Why the fuck do you need an onsite "studio teacher" for newborn octuplets? No idea. But since infants are only permitted to work for 20 minutes a day, these octuplets could be the most lucrative team of infant stars in the business, if they hurry up. One hundred sixty potential minutes of luxurious, identical filming! Call em now, producers!

Ed Wyatt, we hear, didn't show up at the party. So, uh, everything is fine now. Forget this little "Party At Sony Exec's House" ever happened. Just forget it. Unless you were there, in which case, email us.
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