Jump-cut proficient director Tony Scott has signed on to helm Unstoppable, a thriller about a runaway train that's full of dangerous radioactive goop. The engineer (Denzel? Will?) and the conductor (Dakota Fanning?) find themselves in a "race against time" to stop the goop from gooping out all over everybody. Everyone else is villains. [Variety] On-set freakout proficient director David O. Russell has signed up for The Silver Linings Playbook, based on the novel about a sadsack high school teacher who goes to live with his mom after being released from the nut house. [Variety]

Kathy Bates has joined Sandra Bullock in a drama called The Blind Side, about a hobo who learns to play football. And, to love. [Variety] Emma Stone, a future tabloid queen who we want to have a beer with will star in Easy A for Screen Gems. The comedy is about a high school student who, while reading Nathaniel Hawthorne's book-of-the-movie based on Demi Moore's The Scarlet Letter, decides to pretend she's the school slut so she'll be popular. How one only pretends to be a loose woman is unclear to us. [Variety]

Matthew McConaughey (introduced hilariously by Variety as "Fool's Gold thesp") has signed on to be maybe a little serious for once in his goddamned, sun-poisoned life. He'll play the lead in the legal thriller The Lincoln Lawyer, about an attorney made of logs. Or something. [Variety] In other encouraging movie news, presumed blockbusters like Transformers 3 and The Avengers are securing release dates even though nothing has been signed off on them, nor do they even have scripts. So. Good. [Variety]

Bet there's a money-fight going on right now at Dunder Mifflin. NBC has secured lucrative syndication deals for The Office in all 50 top markets across the US. The comedy will air on Fox affiliates this fall. [THR] ABC has cut its 13-episode order of freshman sitcom In the Motherhood to just 6 for this season. The show premiered last Thursday to low-ish (6.7 million) ratings. [Variety]

You won't have to drive over to the Ruby Tuesday's to watch fat people dating each other anymore. No, Fox is developing a reality dating show called More to Love. Fox alternative programming prez Mike Darnell says of the show, in a statement sure to haunt him in the afterlife: "For six years it's been skinny-minis and good-looking bachelors, and that's not what the dating world looks like. Why don't real women — the women who watch these shows, for the most part — have a chance to find love too?" It's true, America. Our real, fat, Bachelor-watching citizenry needs fake, sad reality show love too. Me, I'm just hoping this opens the door for Fat Real World and Fat Housewives of Fat City USA Population: You. [THR]

Meanwhile Survivor guru Mark Burnett is joining ABC in an unholy alliance to produce Shark Tank, an adaptation of a British reality show that is itself an adaptation of a Japanese reality show about rich tycoons giving struggling entrepreneurs money. In this economy! [THR]

This morning on The View, Elisabeth Hasselbeck was all bent out of shape about Phelps' bong hit, giving the tired spiel about how he's a role model and he's setting a bad example, blah blah blah. She went on to claim that since he's willing to use illegal drugs to have a good time, maybe he's open to using illegal drugs to advance his career, as though weed is a gateway drug to steroids or something. Whoopi shot her down pretty quickly, and admitted to enjoying pot.

Elisabeth's argument hinged on the fact that Phelps accepts money to endorse products. One of those is Rosetta Stone, the language-learning software, which is just about one of the most sedentary activities a stoner could enjoy, aside from watching The Wizard of Oz on mute while playing The Dark Side of the Moon. (I should know, since I've been using the program to learn Spanish.) His other sponsors, like Omega and Speedo, totally don't give a shit.

And they shouldn't, because it's silly — in my opinion, anyway — to pass judgment on those who take part in something as innocuous as pot smoking, which many believe is lot less harmful for one's body than alcohol. Besides, despite the fact that it's technically illegal, so many people smoke weed recreationally that it's not all that taboo. Here's a list of celebrities who have either been caught smoking marijuana, or admit willingly to doing so.

Woody Harrelson



Woody is an activist for the legalization of marijuana and hemp.

Willie Nelson



So is Willie Nelson.

Frances McDormand



Frances McDormand was on the cover of High Times in May 2003, in which she said, "I'm a recreational pot-smoker. There has never been enough of a distinction between marijuana and other drugs. It's a human rights issue, a censorship issue, and a choice issue."

Seth Rogen & James Franco



The pair stared in Pineapple Express together, and shared this maybe real/maybe fake joint on stage while presenting an award during the MTV Movie Awards last summer.

Cameron Diaz & Drew Barrymore



Also friends who share.

Justin Timberlake



Timberlake, who used to date Diaz, has been very open about how he smokes weed, sometimes even with is mother. He also admitted that he was stoned out of his mind when he was Punk'd by Ashton Kutcher.

Kimora Lee Simmons



Kimora Lee Simmons took one of the stoniest mugshots after she was arrested in 2004 for possession.

Nicole Richie



Nicole admitted to having smoked pot, as well as taking a Vicodin, when she was arrested for a DUI charge in 2007.

Paris Hilton



Nicole's buddy Paris' reefer madness has been well documented.

Michelle Phillips



Former singer from The Mamas & The Papas said as recently as 2001 that, "Marijuana should definitely be legalized. I think we should let everyone smoke it without fear of being thrown in jail. It's the greatest drug in the world!"

Snoop Dogg



Duh.

Redman



We'll be here all day if we start listing rappers.

Lil Wayne



But we'll mention Wayne for good measure.

Mariah Carey



Mariah is such a goody-two-shoes that she'd never publicly admit to marijuana use, but on her most recent album, she made plenty of weed references.

Charlize Theron



Academy Award winners like their weed, too.

AARP



In the summer of 2005, the American Association of Retired Persons (AARP) hosted a smoke-in to promote the legalization of marijuana. Celebrities that participated: Willie Nelson, Woody Harrelson (obvs), Bette Midler, Santana, Chicago, David Crosby and Graham Nash, Rod Stewart, The New Jefferson Starship, Tony Orlando, Ringo Starr, Tommy Chong, Snoop Dogg, and Robert Downey Jr.

Matthew McConaughey



When McConaughey gets loose, he does so with bongos.

Dionne Warwick



Her work with Burt Bacharach was way too mellow to not be under the influence.

Whitney Houston & Bobby Brown



They've got "Something in Common."

Sarah Silverman



Sarah speaks favorably about weed in her act, and smoked with Doug Benson in his movie Super High Me.

Doug Benson



Comedian Doug Benson has centered much of his career around pot.

Oliver Stone



He has the perfect name for someone who's been busted for pot on numerous occasions.

Dawn Wells



Mary Ann from Gilligan's Island was arrested last year for possession.

Dave Chappelle

The Pointer Sisters



Oliver Hudson tells a story about his first concert-going experience, during which the Pointer Sisters were getting blazed.

Paul Dinello



It's hard to watch this Strangers With Candy clip about smoking pot without thinking that writer/actor Paul Dinello believes what he is saying.

Barbra Streisand



In a 1972 Rolling Stone interview, Babs said, "I'd take out a joint and light it. First, just faking it. Then I started lighting live joints, passing them around to the band, you know. I was great, it relieved all my tensions. And I ended up with the greatest supply of grass ever. Other acts up and down the Strip heard about what I was doing - Little Anthony and the Imperials, people like that - and started sending me the best dope in the world. I never ran out."

Phelps Backed by Sponsors After Marijuana Photo [TCPalm]
Elisabeth Hasselbeck disses Michael Phelps; Whoopi Goldberg: 'I have smoked weed' [EW]

Perhaps one should! Let's spark up, put on some Ozomatli, and peruse Master McConaughey's latest Myspace tour-de-force, shall we? Here are selections from this blog entry, a road trip chronicle entitled "Travel Blog":

We broke down in the middle of the desert while on that trip, in a place where we hadn't seen nor heard another human for three days. I had to jog down a dirt road for a couple of hours in hope of finding a trace of anyone...Well, I finally did, and her name was "Matty", an 82 year old Mexican woman who loaned me (a complete stranger speaking broken Spanish), her 1981 Isuzu truck with 263,000 miles on it. That truck got us to a place where we could get the gear to fix MY truck and get back on the road...Thanks Matty....just keep livin....Good hearted strangers and trust....cool

Cool, indeed. Sadly, McConaughey omits the under-the-table bartering that will net his son, Levi, a hidden Baja California brother named "EdTV" in nine short months.

After 4,206 miles of camping across America, I was once again reminded of how good looking this country is...saw family and friends, met strangers, made acquaintances...I was in some predominately "red" states when President-elect Obama was elected. I talked to a bunch of people who had voted for McCain and-check this- unanimously, those same people were genuinely excited and hopeful about Obama being elected...They all felt that the country had spoken in earnest, electing Obama, and they were more than "ready for the ride", they were ready to get into the action...cool...j.k. livin

Matthew, you hardly need to go all the way to flyover country to find an American proud about our "first colored president." However, do let us know when you finally stumble upon the five citizens who saw Surfer Dude (still playing at the abandoned dollar theater in Yankton, South Dakota!).

I spent my 39th birthday on the southern rim of the Grand Canyon...almost got "butted" of the edge by a ram and caught some shooting stars...as for the first sight of the GC, mother nature created something that looks so fake, its real....cool

Still, Mother Nature is no match for Mother McConaughey in that department. Just keep livin, Matty. As for those freak ram attacks—maybe it's time to stop bogarting Woody Harrelson's special stash and offer some up to the local wildlife? Imagine: Camilla on one arm, Levi tucked into the other, and one totally baked herd of mountain goats laughing at all your pitches for Contact 2.

• Travel Blog [Myspace]

After the jump: Which new dad is going to wish they never even heard the name David O. Russell in a matter of months?

· ABC won the night with the Three Hours of Country Music Industry Auto-Fellation You'll Never Get Back Again Awards. [Variety]
· Matthew McConaughey's life is about to be made a living hell by director David O. Russell in The Grackle, about a "barroom fighter in New Orleans who hires himself out for $250 to settle disputes." He then dispatches a couple of walleyed Malibu surfers to beat the shit out of the warring parties. [Variety]

It's too late for that, though, and in any case, he has good — if slim — company in the so-called Nickel Club: A-listers with recent films that couldn't break $100K domestically before heading off to home-entertainment oblivion. Take a deep breath of equally rare air after the jump.

· Jessica Simpson, Blonde Ambition — $6,422

Like several of her fellow Nickel Clubbers, Simpson fared much better internationally. A lot better. As in, 99.6% of Ambition's $1.4 million gross was earned overseas. But things will come around once she pays her dues; it doesn't get much harder than a minty love scene with Dane Cook.

· Paris Hilton, The Hottie and the Nottie — $27,696

Another global sensation who nevertheless couldn't hack it at home, Hilton has since moved into documentaries. We salute her new strategy and wish her only the best.

· John Cusack, Grace is Gone — $50,899

An oft-told tale of hubris, mistiming and waste: Cusack's award-winning Sundance drama cashed in at Park City with $4 million of Harvey Weinstein's money. The mogul dumped the film and his Oscar-campaign plans by the end of the year. NB: Cusack's follow-up, War Inc., did 10 times the business last spring almost entirely via word-of-mouth, never creeping over 33 screens.

Honorable Mention: Katherine Heigl, Zyzzyx Road — $30

Filmed not long before Heigl broke through on Grey's Anatomy, history's lowest-grossing release sold exactly five tickets during a one-week run in Dallas in 2006 — one of which was purchased by its own makeup artist. It has picked up nicely as a cult DVD, on wwhich Heigl receives top billing.

[Photo Credit: Getty Images]

• What happened to Matthew McConaughey's 'Surfer, Dude?' [EW]

There’s no shortage of bare breasts, and McConaughey takes a potshot at himself with a naked didjeridoo session. Though the lighting is low, McConaughey’s junk is on display to guarantee healthy DVD sales.

Could the move, if true, make McConaughey one of the few A-list men to break the full-frontal barrier on screen? Or did the City Beat critic see junk where no junk was, addled by the cinematic contact high implicit in a film starring McConaughey, Woody Harrelson, and Willie Nelson? No matter: suddenly McConaughey's "Baby Longhorn" has suddenly taken on an entirely new meaning. Julianna Margulies, two can play at this game.

• Dude, where's my wave? [CityBeat]

Boomp3.com

The waves of Malibu apparently weren't too kind to hunky actor Matthew McConaughey over the weekend. The Fool's Gold star seemed rather honest about his lackluster surfing performance in the famed Pacific Ocean. McConaughey said, "I could say that I wasn't feeling the vibes because I wasn't feeling the ocean breeze bouncing off my pectorals, or I could say that I saw a dolphin and I got a bit scared that it was going to go after my driving paw. That wasn't it though. I was just no good out there. That, and there were too many people." McConaughey seemed frustrated by the amount of people hogging all the of the waves and wished that the politicians would fix the global warming problem soon. McConaughey added, "It should be cold in September. Or, at least chilly, you know?"

[Photo Credit: X17]

*A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

Skylar Martin Peak, 24, and Philip John Hildebrand, 30, both of Malibu, were each charged with one misdemeanor count of battery for attacking Richid Altmbareckouhammou, who was working for a French news agency, the Los Angeles District Attorney's office said.

Officials claim the two men threw Altmbareckouhammou into the water from where he was taking pictures on the beach. Each faces up to six months in jail and a $2,000 fine.

That bullied photographer Richid Altmbareckouhammou (ri-CHEED AHL-tem-ba- REK-oo-HAM-moo) went through with a legal action sends a strong message to other surfers who think such matters can be solved with a sandy flip-flop shoved down a throat: So long as the public thirsts for images of McConaughey teaching his newborn son Levi the delicate art of the schnot shot while paddling out to shore, there will be paparazzo dug into the sand to capture such tender moments of celebrity/nature communion.

• Two Malibu men charged with attacking paparazzo [Reuters]

In her new book, I Amaze Myself! (iamazemyself.com), Kay McConaughey dishes on everything from her son Matthew’s conception to how her husband died in a compromising position with her!

“On Monday mornings, he and I often said goodbye by making love,” Kay says exclusively in the latest issue of Us Weekly. “But one day, all of a sudden, it just happened.

"I knew that something was wrong, because I didn’t hear anything from him. Just nothing," she says. "But it was just the best way to go!”

"I knew that something was wrong, because I didn’t hear anything from him. Just nothing," she says. "But it was just the best way to go!”

And when her man couldn’t be revived, she made sure he was taken from the house in the buff.

“I was just so proud to show off my big old Jim McConaughey — and his gift,” she says.

Needless to say, Kay amazes us too. At last we have a clue as to where this former Sexiest Man Alive developed his taste for screwball, fuck-til-we-plotz comedy that has come to define the Matthew McConaughey sensibility. Having learned now of the bittersweet passing of his own father—who died, yes, but did it doing what he loves best—we think it may be time to revisit his entire romcom filmography again, whereupon frothy concoctions like Failure to Launch and How to Lose a Guy in 10 Lays will begin to take on all-new levels of deeply personal significance.

• EXCLUSIVE: Matthew McConaughey's Dad Died Having Sex, Says Mom [Usmagazine.com]

In today's installment: Neil Patrick Harris, Woody Allen, Matthew McConaughey, Brian Grazer, Blake Lively, Pierce Brosnan, Christian Slater, Chris Noth, Jason Lee, Jenny Lewis, John Rzeznik, Dave Navarro, Mark McGrath, Dyan Cannon, Camryn Manheim, Bruce Vilanch and more!

WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 6
· I was at the Arsenal in Los Angeles last night and saw (HOT)MIKE BORTONE (Survivor), PAMELA ALDON ( I remember her from Grease 2, but now on Californication and King of the Hill) and LIZA SNYDER (Yes, Please). They looked like they were having a great time, drinking & laughing & hanging out with a bunch of fun people. At one point I thought Liza & Pamela were going to get up & dance with the DJ's, but no luck. Good Times.

THURSDAY, AUGUST 7
· Saw BLAKE LIVELY at Urth Cafe in Beverly Hills. Amazingly, she mistook ME for one of her friends and stopped me as I walked by and said, "Hello." She realized her error and was very sweet in apologizing. She's as pretty in person as she is on TV.

· DYAN CANNON — all 90lbs of her — managed to waft/ tremble/ stumble into my abs class today at Equinox. I thought to myself, "Oh my god, that woman looks like the gorgeous Dyan Cannon, star of my all-time favorite and underrated Al Pacino movie Author! Author! But it can't be her because her surgically enhanced lips are bigger than my ass."

While the instructor yelled at us during the "reverse crunch" series ("this targets LBF, people! Lower Back Fat! Nothing attractive about that!"), I determined that it was indeed her. Her body is 15, most of her face is 35, but her lips are just...wow. A very bad decision. Sort of criminal, really, that some surgeon would go through with that. Someone should hire her for something—but first demand she gets rid of the trout pout.

· I saw WOODY ALLEN & SOON YI today at MOCA. He does not at all try to hide the fact that he's looking at you. Definitely a people watcher.

SATURDAY, AUGUST 8
· While at the Eddie Izzard show at the Kodak, I spotted a very cheery CAMRYN MANHEIM. I always expect her to be in a foul mood but she seemed open and, dare I say, bubbly. As I was waiting for the show to start I felt the cold wave of hack comedy wash over the crowd. As I turn around, I see a T-shirt with a hacky comment and the unmistakable bleached bowl-cut of BRUCE VILANCH entering the room. Watching Izzard perform, Vilanch must have felt like a midget trying to guard Shaq. Hopefully it made him realize he should quit the business and leave the hackiness to butchers, golfers, and Dane Cook.

SUNDAY, AUGUST 10
· I saw JOHN RZEZNIK of the Goo Goo Dolls getting his Polish on at Warszawa in Santa Monica. He was with some appropriately punk looking pals, pretty cool, having his pierogi.

MONDAY, AUGUST 11
· It was the day of hot rocker boys of the 90’s at Equinox on Sunset. Saw DAVE NAVARRO and MARK MCGRATH. Dave’s always there, so that might not be much of a sighting. Mark got approached by some overeager fangirls and looked a bit confused, then scurried away.

TUESDAY, AUGUST 12
· It was a celebrity smorgasbord at Nobu (Malibu) around 8:30pm: BRIAN GRAZER, PIERCE BROSNAN (looking fantastic!), CHRISTIAN SLATER (not so much) and MATTHEW MCCONAUGHEY (the usual). They were not all together as that would be just plain weird.

WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 13
· Driving home from work last night (13 Aug) I passed MIA MICHAELS (So You Think You Can Dance) heading in the opposite direction (west - natch!) on the Santa Monica Blvd. at the Van Ness intersection. She drives something big and Jeep-like and black. Naughty lady was at the wheel and using her cellphone. Brazenly! But then, as we all know, celebs are above the law.

· While waiting outside of my chiropractors office...I see CHRIS NOTH (aka, BIG) come out of "Miss Barry's Bootcamp". He was shirtless and glistening all over (having just finished being tortured by "Miss"). Anyway, he was very nice and did not seem to mind people checking him out (nice bod for an over 50 man). Needless to say my tiny little life got a lot bigger for a second.

· It was a celebrity paradox at Poquito Mas on Cahuenga. First, we see a scruffy yet sexy JASON LEE eating with his son PILOT. He seemed like a typical father with him, very sweet, taking him to the bathroom, making sure he had enough nachos, etc. He had a FULL beard (Jason Lee, not the kid), but it kind of worked on him. Then, just minutes later, an absolutely adorable JENNY LEWIS walked in with a pal. They looked like two sweet high school girls. She and Jason Lee made the awkward "I'm famous and you're famous and we are kind of Silver Lakey-Eastsider cool" nod to each other and I couldn't help but think that they would be an adorable couple. A little too cool for school though, perhaps...

THURSDAY, AUGUST 14
· NEIL PATRICK HARRIS and DAVID WALTON (from Quarterlife) are working up a sweat (separately) at Equinox on Sunset.

Matthew McConaughey says the birth of his son will help bring a little joy to others in the world someday. The actor kept the placenta from the July birth of his son and plans to plant it in an orchard, he tells CNN's "House Call with Dr. Sanjay Gupta" in interview scheduled to air in two parts Aug. 9 and Aug 16.

McConaughey says he hopes it will fertilize the land, a ritual long followed in several cultures.

"It's going to be in the orchards and it's going to bear some wonderful fruit," he says, according to an interview transcript. "When I was in Australia, they had a placenta tree that was on the river ... and all the placentas of all that tribe, all that clan, whatever aboriginal tribe that was, all the placentas went under that one tree and it was this huge behemoth of just health and strength.

"This tree was just growing taller and stronger above the rest of Mother Nature around it. It was gorgeous."

Were that all, for the Fool's Gold star then plans of harvesting the symbiotic-fluid-enriched pears and apples yielded by little Levi's lifesack, pressing them into the most deliciously life-affirming hard ciders available anywhere in the country. Look for an aggressive "Mighty McConaughey's Afterbirth Ale" TV and radio campaign to hit major markets shortly, only slightly creepier than the one he recently voiced for the National Cattleman's Beef Association.

• Matthew McConaughey to plant placenta in orchard [Yahoo News]

1. Spawn
Clay
Sex: Male
Name: Parker Foster Aiken
Weight: 6 lbs., 2 oz.
Birth Defects: Highlights

Matthew
Sex: Male
Name: Levi Alves McConaughey
Weight: 7 lbs., 4 oz.
Birth Defects: One flip-flop

2. Privacy
Clay
Shield your newborn for as long as possible from the public eye, then premiere him on The View at age four-days-old.

Matthew
Flashbulb innoculation: Subject early and often to as many red-carpet events as possible. Try not to forget car seat cradle on a counter of marked-down "Paris For President" T-shirts at Kitson.

3. Bonding
Clay
Father-son spa days...Front row seats to the Radio City Music Hall Christmas Spectacular...Blind cheesecake taste-testings.

Matthew
Mutual wingman duties while combing Maui for honeys...bong shopping...post-weightlifting body-scrutinizing sessions.

4. Bedtime Rituals
Clay
Laser tooth whitening...Re-telling of the story of Goldilocks and the Big Fat Ruben Studdard...Christmas carols regardless of season...reassurances that there are no razor-toothed Claymates lurking under the bed.

Matthew
1000 crunches...bongo-accompanied African tribal lullaby...Reminder to "stay strong, little man" before administration of tender kiss on forehead.

• Clay Aiken welcomes baby boy [MSNBC]
• Matthew McConaughey's Son Levi Makes Red Carpet Debut [Usmagazine.com]

"We found a great rhythm," Matthew tells OK! about the delivery of baby Levi. "Contractions started kicking in. I sat there with her, right between her legs. We got tribal on it, we danced to it! I was DJ-ing this Brazilian music."

"We ended up having an epidural because, on the large contractions, the umbilical cord was being compressed. They went in and tried the vacuum. This is where I learned — and no one tells you this — but having a baby is a bloody, pukey, sweaty, primeval thing! And I mean that as a beautiful thing. It is wild. But the vacuum didn't work, and the doctor said, 'C-section.'

"I said, 'Come here, little man. I saw the pecker and screamed that we'd been right all along about him being a boy. Then I brought him over to her [Camila],' Matthew said.

You'd think for $3 mil, they'd have forked over a couple shots of the beaming, shirtless new father, chest heaving and drenched in a variety of bodily fluids as he held aloft his bepeckered Prince Simba to the strains of "Drum Circle of Life." Oh well. We'll take what we can get.

• World Exclusive: Matthew & Camila's Baby Boy! [OK!]

Us
"It Was In Vitro!" Angelina and Brad conceived the twins via an in vitro procedure because they didn't want to wait to get pregnant. Brad was the one who pushed Angie to have more natural kids because he really wanted a biological son. Well congrats on getting one! Moving on: Pictures of Sienna Miller frolicking topless with Balthazar Getty. The author writes: "If you were dating a married man, you could be discreet about it — or you could be Sienna Miller." In all fairness, he is separated. A story called "Are They Too Old For…" questions whether Brad should be carrying Pax Jolie Pitt, 4; whether Calista Flockhart's son Liam, 7, should have a teddy bear and whether Suri Cruise, 2, should still be drinking from a bottle. Judge much?
Grade: F (stinging nettles)

Life & Style
"Hollywood's Pregnant!" So Ben's mom has confessed that Jen Garner is knocked up with baby number 2. A section of this story is called "Why They Waited." Their first kid is two years old! Is that "waiting"? The next four pages are stars who maybe someday could possibly perhaps have kids: Eva Longoria, Reese Witherspoon (she got pregnant before she married Ryan Phillippe, so she could get pregnant while dating Jake!), Jen Aniston, Ellen DeGeneres. Moving on: "Why Britney Gave Up The Kids" attempts to explain why Brit "let Kevin win" the custody battle. Uh, she "let" him? There was no way she was going to get full custody while in a conservatorship, right? Love this little chart called "Everybody's Wearing Stripes" because by "everybody" they mean three celebrity kids (Fig. 1). Hate this picture of Audrina "flaunting" her body, because those fake boobs are crazytown (Fig. 2). Mariah Carey has told new hubby Nick Cannon to get a job. She wants him start modeling, and he likes the idea. Kelly Osbourne's "amazing body transformation" is about how she went from curvy to trim. "She's lost weight by being in love," a source says. On the plastic surgery spread titled "Who's Had it, Who Hasn't" basically everyone has had it. Intern Margaret likes Megan Fox's old nose. (Fig 3.)
Grade: D- (poison oak)
In Touch
"Baby Joy: First Photos" So the cover has a picture of Angelina Jolie holding a "baby" and a burst that reads, "20 new pics inside." But. If you look closely, you'll see that Angie is holding Shiloh's doll. And the caption inside reads, "Angelina, here carrying Shiloh's doll, can't stop smiling since she's been home." So, while these are indeed new pictures, they are NOT new pictures of twins Knox and Vivienne. But there are 20 new pix spread over 6 pages. They show Brad, Angie, Shiloh, Zaharah, Pax, Maddox, Brad's mom and dad and some unidentified other boy all playing soccer (Fig. 4). Moving on: Alex Rodriguez has another woman! She's "Madonna's rival." Her name is Maritza Franco and she's "close friends" with A-Rod. Next: Britney is "paying Kevin" for the kids because she's agreed to increase the child support and is getting an extra night of visitation. But! In the same article a source says, "It's not a pay day, it's like this in any divorce." Also inside: Mary Carey is off the wagon. Nicole's older kids met their new little sister Sunday about 12 days after she was born. Kim Kardashian's going to be on Dancing With The Stars. Lastly: Apparently Spencer Pratt will pose for Playgirl… if they pay him $1 million.
Grade: D (thornbush, with points deducted for falsely advertising the cover story)
OK!
"Daddy's Little Boy!" Matthew McConaughey's makes his baby's birth sound like a drum circle: "Contractions started kicking in, and we found a great rhythm. We had a 14-hour session, her and I did. I sat there with her, right between her legs. We got tribal on it. We danced to it. I was DJing this native Brazilian music. We were jamming!" Something happened where the doctors were trying to vacuum the baby out because the umbilical cord was being compressed. Matt says: "This is where I learned — and no one tells you this — but having a baby is a bloody, pukey, sweaty, primeval thing." Little Levi already has a baby wet suit and Matt says, "He'll be surfing next weekend." Intern Margaret thinks the baby looks just like Matt (Fig. 5). Moving on: Britney and Justin back together? Well, they will record a duet for her new album. The song, written by Justin, will be produced by Timbaland, of course. On page 15 there's a picture of svelte Nicole Kidman and a doctor who doesn't treat her says, "It doesn't mean something's wrong, but we'd be worried she exercised too much and didn't eat properly." So remember how Life & Style said "Everybody's Wearing Stripes"? OK! spins it thusly: "Guess Who's Stealing Suri's Style?" The mag also says designers are making sweet babydoll dresses now, inspired by Suri.
Grade: C (ragweed)

Star
"Sarah Jessica's Husband Caught Cheating!" An "exhaustive 5-month investigation" done by Star: Matthew Broderick has been seeing a woman who is a "respected counselor to children" and they met in a bar. She's 25, he's 46. The magazine is protecting her identity, so they only show a pixelated picture. (Fig. 6) Apparently Matthew told the woman that his marriage was "not good" and they fooled around in her apartment. Days later, he texted her to meet him at the Manhattan townhouse of a "showbiz friend" and they had sex. She says "It was great! Matt is a wonderful kisser!" She's nicknamed him Mattycakes. All this was happening while SJP was filming Sex And The City. Eyewitnesses saw Matt make 2 more late night visits to the woman's apartment building. On another occasion they had sex in the woman's friend's apartment because the woman's boyfriend was home. The woman is pissed that Matthew told her he was going on vacation in Ireland but then she saw pictures of him in Hawaii with his family (he was texting her and saying how beautiful Ireland is.) Eventually the woman broke off the relationship because Matt admitted that SJP didn't know that he thought their marriage was "not good." Moving on: Angelina and Brad left the hospital so quickly, they left behind champagne bottles and an autographed card from Bono. (It might have been on purpose, to throw off the paparazzi.) Oh, and their estate in France is over run by wild boars. Next: Is Zac Efron taking human growth hormone? He's gone from "scrawny to brawny." (Fig. 7) Oh. And look at this picture of a picture of Halle Berry showing a picture of her baby (Fig. 8). Diddy is engaged to singer Cassie. Ellen is on a 1,000 calorie a day diet. David Beckham broke the law by driving with his 5 year-old son in the front seat. Plus: Michelle Williams has found love… with Spike Jonze! She's known him for years but recently they were spotted kissing. Amanda Seyfried broke up with her long-time boyfriend while filming Mamma Mia because she was having feelings for costar Dominic Cooper. She says: "The fact that I felt something in my heart for Dominic made me feel that something was definitely wrong. I sat and thought about it for weeks." Sam Ronson has been accompanying Lindsay Lohan to AA meetings for the past year, and Sam won't drink as long as LL is sober. Lindsay's been undergoing random drug testing while shooting her new movie as a condition of the producers. (She's clean.) Lastly: Katie Holmes' hands are "veiny, wrinkled and purple" and Scientology is to blame.
Grade: B (tall grass)
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You see, Penelope has been suffering from a very common disorder among borderline crazy celebrities since she was a wee moth — a troubling situation involving a "monster" living inside her, determined to "sabotage the most beautiful moments" in her life. We can only presume this demon tends to follow the same pattern each and every time she says "Uh oh! Here it is again! Go away and leave me alone!": Flashing its diamond-tipped manicure and next season's skinny men's suit from Marc Jacobs, the pinkies-out being scatters a potent amount of fairy dust on ex-"boyfriends" like Tommy and beer swilling boy-fan Matty McConaughey, distracting their bedazzled eyes from the beard they desperately require. Which is sad, considering one of the nicest things her Secret Lives Of Women director Isabel Croixet had to say about the Spanish star was how the sight of Cruz naked is the "least sexy moment in history." Perhaps someone ought to FedEx a copy of Secrets to those Maxim boys, requiring a "correction" in their next issue?

[Photo credit: The Celebrity Blog]

• PENELOPE CRUZ W MAGAZINE 2008 COVER PHOTO [The Celebrity Blog]