Oh dear God. Porcelain sex robot Chace Crawford will be Ren McCormack. Though Zac Efron was long ago maybe going to star in the upcoming Footloose, he backed out because, you know, no homo. So the Gossip Girl actor has now been cast and the whole movie has sprung a leak. [Variety]

Oh, good. The up-and-coming young actress Melissa Leo has been cast in David O. Russell's The Fighter, playing Mark Wahlberg and Christian Bale's moms. [Variety]

Jackass Chris Pontius has just been called up to the artsy leagues. He'll play a role in auteur Sofia Coppola's new movie Somewhere. Playing the lead in that movie about a fried-out rock 'n roller living at the Chateau Marmont? None other than our old, long-lost friend Stephen Dorff. Good for him. Elle Fanning is also in it. So. [THR]

Lostie Matthew Fox has left ICM for the new mega-agency WME, forged in the volcanic fires of William Morris and Endeavor's god-like lovemaking. So hopefully for Fox this means less Speed Racer and Vantage Point and more, well... anything else. [Variety]

Good news for those of you helplessly addicted to those wonderful crystals, those glassy things that burn and smolder and give you energy and keep you up for hours, and are dangerous in that "I'm alive!" kind of way. No, Ricky your meth dealer hasn't figured out the science from Breaking Bad ("I want blue meth like the TV, and I want it now.") It's just that Robert Pattinson's sparkly vampire skin diamonds will be twinkling for a fourth Twilight movie. Aren't you happy? [THR]

Huh. Benjamin Bratt's dirge-like A&E drama The Cleaner has been picked up for a second season. So, well, that's nice. [Variety]

Looks like Jack's still smooth, despite Locke's protestations that he has to go back to the island with his original, collar-cresting forestation. Then again, there's always season six... [Youtube]

· Left-behind leaders Juliet and Sawyer are clearly going to "do it." This will set up a love square that will only reach its last inevitable permutation when a jealous Smoke Monster catches Sawyer and Jack snuggling after a Season 6 CPR session turns unexpectedly amorous.

· Jeremy Davies's bid to change his season-long "skinny tie" costume to a form-fitting tank top and cutoff jeans has still been rejected by producers.

· The exclusion of original cast members Emilie de Ravin (Claire) and Daniel Dae Kim (Jin) can mean only one thing: a sassy, Private Practice-like spinoff!

· In the tradition of "What's in the hatch?" and "Who are the Oceanic Six?", Season 5 will tease out its overarching mystery, "Just how much chest hair does Jack have right now anyway?" for as long as is humanly possible.

• First Official Season 5 Poster [DarkUFO]

First, the runners-up:

No. 10 – Rob & Amber, Survivor
No. 9 – Sara & Grissom, CSI
No. 8 – Ryan & Marissa, The O.C.
No. 7 – Trista & Ryan, The Bachelorette
No. 6 – Kate & Jack, Lost
No. 5 – Billy & Alison, Melrose Place
No. 4 – Clark & Lana, Smallville
No. 3 – Boris & Natasha, The Bullwinkle Show (ed. note: ???)

And the top two, excerpted from TV Guide:

No. 2 – Tom & Lynette, Desperate Housewives: She has him canned from her ad firm, hates mothering and almost cheats on him with a pizza guy. He, in turn, takes it like a tool as penance for lying about his secret kid. Forget Wisteria Lane’s occasional homicides, the real mystery here is why these two aren’t in therapy.

No. 1 – “Gizzie” (George & Izzie), Grey’s Anatomy: First off, could the combo name be any uglier? And secondly, ewww. It was like watching a faded prom queen and her slightly dim-witted brother get it on…at the expense of George’s marriage to Callie.

While we're a little shocked that Boris & Natasha made the list over, say, Hills villains Heidi & Spencer, we can't help but wish TV Guide had extended its expose to include characters from decades long since past. After all, everyone knows that Shirley and the Big Ragu were, like, sooo passé (all the cool kids 'shipped Laverne and Squiggy), and Donna's marriage on The Donna Reed Show? OMG, could she have been more of a Mary Sue?!

• TV Guide

Yes, apparently that 2006 SNL sketch in which Fred Armisen grills Matthew Fox in an elevator, confident that none of the actors have a clue what's going on, isn't so funny anymore in light of reports that "he's the only cast member who knows how the series will end." And Fox has recently relented: "Yes, it's true. [The rest of the cast] understands I can't talk about it, but sometimes they'll ask, just hoping I'll blurt it out." Knowing it would only take a few drinks for Fox's Vault to open up is now #857 on our list of reasons Why We Want To Get Drunk With Matthew Fox. And with that, our safe state of ignorance is no longer blissful.

• MATTHEW FOX KEEPS 'LOST' SECRET [Hollywood.tv]

What the hell happened to his chest hair? As the above diagram clearly demonstrates, Jack has always sported a generous amount of torso fur. But in yesterday's completely gratuitous towel sequence, he possessed not a single sprouting. Bald as a geisha! There's more: Later on in the episode, Juliet is required to shave Jack's belly as he preps for an appendectomy. Related? Not? And why do we never see completely gratuitous sequences of Hurley in the nuthouse wearing only a towel? Has Hurley's body hair been fluctuating, too? The mystery deepens!

[Screengrabs: squarehippies.com, superherofan.net]

• Lost [ABC]

Among the most deserving members of the group are, in no particular order:

Jim Halpert on The Office: because laughter is everything. Plus, he's tall.
Ned on Pushing Daisies: Tall, too! And he makes pies. While wearing an apron. With perfect hair and dreamy eyes and that tall, lean frame...let's just say we'd forgive him if he accidentally killed us.
Amanda Tanen on Ugly Betty: If we swung that way, this would be our girl (free clothes!), and from our imagined male point of view, well, same thing: free suits!
Michael and George Michael Bluth from Arrested Development: Best. Threesome. Fantasy. Ever. And afterwards, Michael Cera might bake you cookies, while Jason Bateman played you his favorite records!
Lindsay Weir from Freaks and Geeks: Sure, not Swimsuit Issue-worthy (at least back then, but these days in ER, yum), but in a way, Lindsay was the original Juno MacGuff.

And the incomprehensibles:

Jack Bauer from 24: While we genuflect thrice daily to a poster of the real-life Kiefer, we are going to have to strongly oppose the choice of Jack Bauer. Are we the only ones who happened to catch the fact that his wife was tortured, raped and killed? Yeah, dreamboat for sure.
Jack Shephard from Lost: Yes, Matthew Fox is a fox, there is no doubt. And yes, he's a doctor, and sure, he may have saved, oh, a trillion or so lives. But he's got daddy issues, and we're not into being bossed around, even if it means saving the world (or whatever the fuck they're trying to save this season).
Dylan McKay from Beverly Hills: 90210: Again, hot. But as much as Brenda Walsh infuriated us with her teeth and her moody/wannabe actress/princess-y tendencies, we'd have dumped the too-cool-for-school druggie just on the basis of Squint Addiction.
Summer Roberts from The OC: We've been known to act a little high-maintenance from time to time, but this Cali girl took the term to new heights of offensiveness. Plus, she kinda strikes us as one of those high-school girls who'd pretty much just lay there and blab on her cell while you're pumping away.
Bree Van De Camp from Desperate Housewives: Seriously? Of all the (admittedly impossible-to-choose-from) old frumps on this old frump of a show, EW readers want the shrill ice queen in their sack? Thin lips + bony legs = thanks but no thanks.

And finally, the most crucial void on the list, the most adorable, dateable, loveable visage ever to cross our screens, was inexcusably uninvited to join the list of Effables: Bret from Flight of the Conchords. We don't know about you, but every episode has been permanently saved on our DVR and played repeatedly, from noon to night, to the dismay of our roommate. We'll let you tell us who the EW readers scathingly excluded from the list in the comments!

• READER PICKS: TV CHARACTERS YOU'D DATE [EW]

• According to The National Domestic Violence Hotline, you may be in an emotionally abusive relationship if your partner (in this case, the show), tries to isolate you from family or friends. When you watch Lost, the world divides into two groups; those who also watch and those who don't. Even my own mother will be denied and ignored if she dares to call while I'm watching tonight. And heaven forbid if she asks, "What's the show about?"

• The wellness site Third Age asks, Do you feel as if your partner keeps you dangling on a string? Does he or she seem to have all of the emotional control? Does this make your own life feel out of control? Yes, yes and yes! Lost leaves you dangling, controls emotions, makes you fall in love with foxy foxes, no-goodniks and heart-melters, muddles their backstories, confuses whether they are good or bad and then snatches them away from you just when you thought you could count on seeing them shirtless once a week.
• Dr. Phil himself says a relationship might be abusive if your partner is making you afraid by using looks, gestures or actions. The black smoke is terrifying! So is Henry Gale/Ben Linus! So is the fact that people manifest things from their past — Kate's horse, Jack's dad? Another mark of the emotional abuser is if the person makes light of the abuse and doesn't take your concerns about it seriously. You think they listened when I begged, "Please don't kill Mr. Eko!"? No!
• You're being abused if your partner does not want you to work. Lost wants me to spend all day cross-referencing conspiracy theories, watching secret videos that may or may not hold insight and reading Hurley's blog. I just know it.
• Lastly, emotionally abusive partners are known for punishing by withholding affection. It's been eight months! As Emily Nussbaum says in New York Magazine today: "Basically, we're kind of like John Locke: Befriend us under false pretenses, steal our kidney, smash us through a window, toss us in a mass grave! You're still our daddy, and we'll follow you anywhere."

  What is Domestic Violence? [The National Domestic Violence Hotline]
  Are You in an Emotionally Abusive Relationship? [ThirdAge]
  Are You in an Emotionally Abusive Relationship? [Dr. Phil]
  Six Secret Lost Videos [10 Zen Monkeys]
  Emily Nussbaum on 'Lost': We Are John Locke [New York Magazine]

In today's episode: Javier Bardem; Gary Oldman; Lindsay Lohan, Adrian Grenier, and Danny Masterson; Danny DeVito and Rhea Perlman; Jesse Metcalfe; Kyle MacLachlan; Matthew Fox; Gwen Stefani and Gavin Rossdale; Billy Baldwin; Minnie Driver; Chelsea Clinton; Paula Abdul; Chris Noth and Sarah Chalke; Moon Unit and Dweezil Zappa.

· Musing that I hadn't spotted a celeb since Richard E. Grant in Soho (London) the day before Thanksgiving (I know, it doesn't count), when I saw Javier Bardem, accompanied by an ND woman (only saw her from the back), eating what I assumed was the ubiquitous Pinkberry and walking along Abbott Kinney Blvd. Saturday (the 12th). V., v. hunky. Has a large cranium.

· Sunday afternoon, 1/13, Aroma Cafe on Tujunga. Along with all the
bitches (literally and figuratively) clogging up the joint was Gary Oldman, with a youngish woman, looking startlingly hot. I've always had a Gary thing but deee-ayum! Tall, stylish, excellent hair and all-around looking good. He can Rosencrantz my Guildenstern anytime. Sorry, I had to go there.

· Saw LiLo, with entourage in tow, exiting the Arclight last night (Jan 13). Pretty sure she watched THE ORPHANAGE as a similar size group shuffled in during the trailers. She was lighting up on her way out of the theater so I am guessing she didn't get the gig of spokesperson for Ariva, the smoking cessation lozenges.

· I had three celeb sightings at the Arclight Theatre last night,
Sunday the 13th:
1) Adrian Grenier, looking normal and looking for his friends.
2) Danny Masterson sporting a strike-beard and an "I'm so indie and hip 'cause I have a radio show" porkpie hat.
3) Lindsay Lohan. Yes, she was wearing leggings, shiny black ones (that actually looked spandex) with a big oversized blue t-shirt and a big black hoodie/sweatshirt/jacket (I didn't want to stare so I didn't get a good look. Also I was very busy trying not to laugh at the leggings).
I usually don't care about seeing the famous, but seeing Lilo in
leggings after reading the FUG girls complaining about how that's all she owns... well, it was too good not to pass on.

· Kaysu-Ya on Sunday, 01/13, Jesse Metcalfe with two male friends. Also, on Sunday, Danny DeVito & Rhea Perlman hiking with son (?) and dogs at Franklin Canyon Park.

· Saw Kyle MacLachlan with a table full of younger men at Ghengis Cohen Friday night. None of the guys could have been over 30 years old. As far as I'm aware, KM is straight, but it was enough to make you ponder the opposite. He looked adorably preppy in jeans and a polo.

· Jan 11 - Drove past Matthew Fox, who was stopped at the Holloway/LaCienega light in a Silver Mercedes M-Class. Even by himself in traffic, the guy's default expression is one of wide-eyed disdain for your stupidity. Oh, I guess my stupidity. But then, at least I have more than one friggin' expression in my repertoire. No Oscar wins in his future, methinks.

· It was a Star Sighting Sunday.

Heading west on Beverly just after brunch when I spotted an attractive, sunglass-covered blonde in the passenger seat of a black Range Rover behind me. She looked make-up free, but with a signature tartan plaid newsboy cap, there was no mistaking it was Gwen Stefani. I craned my head to get a look at the driver, and sure enough it was Gavin Rossdale in sunglasses and black thermal top. They were driving casually with all windows down to enjoy the amazing weekend weather. IMHO, they challenge Brangelina for best-looking-couple EVER.

Later that night at Century City mall, spotted Stephen Baldwin with a couple friend heading to the movies. He looks exactly as he does on Dirty Sexy Money. [Ed. note: They must have meant Billy Baldwin.] I expected messier/bloat-ier, but he looked pretty good.

· While shopping at the Hollywood Farmer's Market today (1/13), I spotted a woman walking with a purpose through the crowd with her son on her hip. It was none other than Gwen Stefani and Kingston with only one assistant nearby. She looked like a doll of herself with a ton of makeup on and her typical LAMB wear. I don't think she stopped for the woman from the Humane Society screaming at her to sign a petition.

· Saw Minnie Driver and friend getting a coffee at the Whole Foods on Fairfax. When they were in the checkout line, her friend commented on Josh Brolin's GQ cover. Minnie sounded very happy for her former fiance, noting, "This is all he's ever wanted, to get good roles and work with good directors."

· Sat 1/12 The Abbey Out with my fave faggle for brunch when we spotted former first kid Chelsea Clinton and a small entourage. Looked like she was with a geh or two, herself. She looked great! No stumping seen during her brief stop. She and her posse left in a giant pass van.

· Jan 14 - I just walked by Paula Abdul in front of a dance studio on Ventura in the SO. As I passed her, she literally started to cry and whine and looked all kinds of crazy. Best sighting ever.

· Sunday afternoon hiking Runyon Canyon, noticed a large, sweaty Chris Noth making his way downhill. Not a pretty sight. On my way out, I also passed Sarah Chalke from Scrubs (she's pretty, even without makeup) headed uphill.

· Saw Moon & Dweezil Zappa eating together - with their perspective kids and a few friends - at Canele in Atwater Village. Early Sunday night.