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Matthew Broderick and Sarah Jessica Parker continued to defy the rumors that there's trouble in their personal paradise as they sported matching gray cardigans on Wednesday. Their child's own gray cardigan was taken out of commission earlier in the day thanks to an incident involving chocolate ice cream, but the couple vowed not to let that affect their trip. Broderick said with pride, "It's like we're the Mets. Right now, we're in first place in family fun and we're going to go all the way to big show."

[Photo Credit: Flynet]

*A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

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After rumors surfaced last week about being involved in an extramarital affair, Matthew Broderick took wife Sarah Jessica Parker out to dinner in mid town Manhattan on Wednesday night. When asked about the state of their marriage, Broderick said, "I'm going to quote my favorite TV character and say, don't be ridiculous. We're doing great." Parker pensively nodded in agreement with her husband and then flashed the 'A-Okay' hand gesture.

Photo Credit: Splash Pics

*A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

Beginning in 2001, when she forgot to thank her husband during her Best Actress speech at the Golden Globes, Parker has been blabbing to many a tab about just how “treacherous” her 11-year marriage is. Just two years ago, she said in an interview, "I feel bad that he’s not on the market...He’s just getting to his prime and I’m holding him back. Every now and then I see him with a woman and she’s really smart and beautiful and I’m like, ‘God they have great chemistry. They’d be great together.’” Not to mention her recent delight in telling NY Mag that he “doesn’t have enough friends.” Ultimately, the fact that Broderick has been trysting all over town making late-night visits to the mystery woman’s bedroom (and lasting 30 minutes, no less!) sounds like a dream come true for SJP. All her wishes have come true: on the market? Check. More friends? Nailed one. Plus, her remark in the same NYM piece that “Broderick says, ‘That’s your fault!’ when he sees a thong poking up from low-slung jeans” must feel oh-so-satisfying. Parker can even claim responsibility for Matty Cakes’ newfound happiness inside those thongs he apparently stares at every time they leave the house together!

[Photo credit: Splash]

• EYEWITNESS EXCLUSIVE: MATTHEW BRODERICK CHEATS ON SARAH JESSICA PARKER [Star]

Us
"It Was In Vitro!" Angelina and Brad conceived the twins via an in vitro procedure because they didn't want to wait to get pregnant. Brad was the one who pushed Angie to have more natural kids because he really wanted a biological son. Well congrats on getting one! Moving on: Pictures of Sienna Miller frolicking topless with Balthazar Getty. The author writes: "If you were dating a married man, you could be discreet about it — or you could be Sienna Miller." In all fairness, he is separated. A story called "Are They Too Old For…" questions whether Brad should be carrying Pax Jolie Pitt, 4; whether Calista Flockhart's son Liam, 7, should have a teddy bear and whether Suri Cruise, 2, should still be drinking from a bottle. Judge much?
Grade: F (stinging nettles)

Life & Style
"Hollywood's Pregnant!" So Ben's mom has confessed that Jen Garner is knocked up with baby number 2. A section of this story is called "Why They Waited." Their first kid is two years old! Is that "waiting"? The next four pages are stars who maybe someday could possibly perhaps have kids: Eva Longoria, Reese Witherspoon (she got pregnant before she married Ryan Phillippe, so she could get pregnant while dating Jake!), Jen Aniston, Ellen DeGeneres. Moving on: "Why Britney Gave Up The Kids" attempts to explain why Brit "let Kevin win" the custody battle. Uh, she "let" him? There was no way she was going to get full custody while in a conservatorship, right? Love this little chart called "Everybody's Wearing Stripes" because by "everybody" they mean three celebrity kids (Fig. 1). Hate this picture of Audrina "flaunting" her body, because those fake boobs are crazytown (Fig. 2). Mariah Carey has told new hubby Nick Cannon to get a job. She wants him start modeling, and he likes the idea. Kelly Osbourne's "amazing body transformation" is about how she went from curvy to trim. "She's lost weight by being in love," a source says. On the plastic surgery spread titled "Who's Had it, Who Hasn't" basically everyone has had it. Intern Margaret likes Megan Fox's old nose. (Fig 3.)
Grade: D- (poison oak)
In Touch
"Baby Joy: First Photos" So the cover has a picture of Angelina Jolie holding a "baby" and a burst that reads, "20 new pics inside." But. If you look closely, you'll see that Angie is holding Shiloh's doll. And the caption inside reads, "Angelina, here carrying Shiloh's doll, can't stop smiling since she's been home." So, while these are indeed new pictures, they are NOT new pictures of twins Knox and Vivienne. But there are 20 new pix spread over 6 pages. They show Brad, Angie, Shiloh, Zaharah, Pax, Maddox, Brad's mom and dad and some unidentified other boy all playing soccer (Fig. 4). Moving on: Alex Rodriguez has another woman! She's "Madonna's rival." Her name is Maritza Franco and she's "close friends" with A-Rod. Next: Britney is "paying Kevin" for the kids because she's agreed to increase the child support and is getting an extra night of visitation. But! In the same article a source says, "It's not a pay day, it's like this in any divorce." Also inside: Mary Carey is off the wagon. Nicole's older kids met their new little sister Sunday about 12 days after she was born. Kim Kardashian's going to be on Dancing With The Stars. Lastly: Apparently Spencer Pratt will pose for Playgirl… if they pay him $1 million.
Grade: D (thornbush, with points deducted for falsely advertising the cover story)
OK!
"Daddy's Little Boy!" Matthew McConaughey's makes his baby's birth sound like a drum circle: "Contractions started kicking in, and we found a great rhythm. We had a 14-hour session, her and I did. I sat there with her, right between her legs. We got tribal on it. We danced to it. I was DJing this native Brazilian music. We were jamming!" Something happened where the doctors were trying to vacuum the baby out because the umbilical cord was being compressed. Matt says: "This is where I learned — and no one tells you this — but having a baby is a bloody, pukey, sweaty, primeval thing." Little Levi already has a baby wet suit and Matt says, "He'll be surfing next weekend." Intern Margaret thinks the baby looks just like Matt (Fig. 5). Moving on: Britney and Justin back together? Well, they will record a duet for her new album. The song, written by Justin, will be produced by Timbaland, of course. On page 15 there's a picture of svelte Nicole Kidman and a doctor who doesn't treat her says, "It doesn't mean something's wrong, but we'd be worried she exercised too much and didn't eat properly." So remember how Life & Style said "Everybody's Wearing Stripes"? OK! spins it thusly: "Guess Who's Stealing Suri's Style?" The mag also says designers are making sweet babydoll dresses now, inspired by Suri.
Grade: C (ragweed)

Star
"Sarah Jessica's Husband Caught Cheating!" An "exhaustive 5-month investigation" done by Star: Matthew Broderick has been seeing a woman who is a "respected counselor to children" and they met in a bar. She's 25, he's 46. The magazine is protecting her identity, so they only show a pixelated picture. (Fig. 6) Apparently Matthew told the woman that his marriage was "not good" and they fooled around in her apartment. Days later, he texted her to meet him at the Manhattan townhouse of a "showbiz friend" and they had sex. She says "It was great! Matt is a wonderful kisser!" She's nicknamed him Mattycakes. All this was happening while SJP was filming Sex And The City. Eyewitnesses saw Matt make 2 more late night visits to the woman's apartment building. On another occasion they had sex in the woman's friend's apartment because the woman's boyfriend was home. The woman is pissed that Matthew told her he was going on vacation in Ireland but then she saw pictures of him in Hawaii with his family (he was texting her and saying how beautiful Ireland is.) Eventually the woman broke off the relationship because Matt admitted that SJP didn't know that he thought their marriage was "not good." Moving on: Angelina and Brad left the hospital so quickly, they left behind champagne bottles and an autographed card from Bono. (It might have been on purpose, to throw off the paparazzi.) Oh, and their estate in France is over run by wild boars. Next: Is Zac Efron taking human growth hormone? He's gone from "scrawny to brawny." (Fig. 7) Oh. And look at this picture of a picture of Halle Berry showing a picture of her baby (Fig. 8). Diddy is engaged to singer Cassie. Ellen is on a 1,000 calorie a day diet. David Beckham broke the law by driving with his 5 year-old son in the front seat. Plus: Michelle Williams has found love… with Spike Jonze! She's known him for years but recently they were spotted kissing. Amanda Seyfried broke up with her long-time boyfriend while filming Mamma Mia because she was having feelings for costar Dominic Cooper. She says: "The fact that I felt something in my heart for Dominic made me feel that something was definitely wrong. I sat and thought about it for weeks." Sam Ronson has been accompanying Lindsay Lohan to AA meetings for the past year, and Sam won't drink as long as LL is sober. Lindsay's been undergoing random drug testing while shooting her new movie as a condition of the producers. (She's clean.) Lastly: Katie Holmes' hands are "veiny, wrinkled and purple" and Scientology is to blame.
Grade: B (tall grass)
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WHEREAS, Ms. Parker is the star of the Sex and the City, an overpraised television series adapted as an overhyped feature-length film for theatrical distribution later this month; and

WHEREAS, Sex and the City romantically represents contemporary New York City as a sanitized, upper-middle class shrine to culture, taste, privilege and glamor; and

WHEREAS, the real New York City is a class war waiting to happen, as exemplified by Ms. Parker's recollection to the author:

I don't know if you do this with your husband," Parker says. "But say one of us is walking down the street, I'll call him and say, 'You know, the laundromat is closed!' And he'll say, 'What?' I'll be like, 'The laundromat at 11th and West 4th Street is closed!' " and

WHEREAS, Ms. Parker's West Village walking tour is punctuated with other, similar laments, including those for the good old days of public insolvency and that "the city is so affluent, and all the colors, all the shops, the look of a street from block to block is just terribly absent of distinguishing coffee shops, bodegas. All of that stuff that made it possible to live in New York is gone ... I guess there are places in Queens that are affordable," and

WHEREAS, Ms. Parker acknowledges her calculated brand development (e.g. perfume, clothing line) within a half-dozen breaths of complaining about the media attention that reinforces it: "It makes me feel ashamed of my work. And I'm not. But I'm attached to this culture now in a way that, it's kind of vulgar. And I feel cheapened. And I feel like I'm cheapening the school, like I'm bringing dirt, like I'm bad for the neighborhood," and

WHEREAS, Ms. Parker is a confirmed nice person who, along with her nice husband Matthew Broderick, nevertheless symbolizes an urban idyll both contradictory and destructive to her self-proclaimed values, and

WHEREAS, we abhor hypocrisy among the West Village power elite and, more generally, among A-listers promoting their mass-market summer confections in major national publications,

NOW, THEREFORE, LET IT BE RESOLVED BY DEFAMER,

1. That Ms. Parker be censured for her perpetuation of Sex and the City and other utopian myths helping eviscerate New York in both the local and popular consciousness, and

2. That Ms. Parker be further censured for being the latest New Yorker to want things both ways, and

3. That this censure go forth in the form of an official editorial admonition: "Kindly shut the fuck up."

RESOLUTION PASSED this 5th day of May, 2008.

SIGNED,

DEFAMER

• Sarah Jessica Parker Would Like a Few Words With Carrie Bradshaw [NYM]

boomp3.com

Matthew Broderick seemed to be disappointed by the poster for his new film, Finding Amanda, at the Tribeca Film Festival. At first, Broderick asked if he had to pose in front of it, then start to wonder why his picture was so far in the background and seemingly out of focus. The film's publicist shrugged his shoulders and said, "Legs sell movies these days." Broderick sighed, then brought up the poster for Ferris Bueller's Day Off. "No sexy girls in that poster. Just my good old face and look at it, that thing is a classic. Probably in dorm rooms everywhere. This one, maybe it'll go up in the room of the creepy guy from the video store and that's about it."

[Photo Credit: Splash]

As SJP remarked today, and has alluded to more times than we care to remember, her marriage to awkward sex scene partner Matthew Broderick isn't all that peachy keen: "I'm sure there are many times he wishes he wasn't with me...Sometimes I'm better at it, sometimes I'm really bad at it. There are things about it I like and I want it to work." Well! There are things she likes about it, which is just great. Maybe once in a while he gives in and succumbs to her repeated requests to revisit their shared Broadway past and participate in an off-tune duet from her breakout role in Annie or something? Hey, it's something.

As for Kim, well, she's really scraping the barrel by piping in with yet another quote or two regarding those age-old tales suggesting she was stalling the movie's production and being an all-around diva: "If you're spending 18 hours a day at work, the last thing you want to do is go and have a drink with the people who you just [spent the day with]. You just need to get away." Which, ironically, is how we're starting to feel about the upcoming flick. Having spent month after month hearing all this bitching and moaning from all four stars, do we really want to go and spend money to spend two hours straight with them? We might just need to get away, too.

• SARAH JESSICA PARKER TALKS ABOUT MARITAL ISSUES [Dotspotter]
• KIM CATTRALL SPEAKS OUT ABOUT 'SEX & THE CITY' HULLABALOO [Starpulse]

"Congratulations, Helen Hunt and Matthew Broderick! You guys have officially filmed two of the most awkward sex scenes in cinema history."

As the trailer reveals, Helen gets to make out with both Firth and Broderick, sometimes in apartments, sometimes in the back of cabs, and sometimes just on plain ol' beds. While we don't get the full picture of what exactly is so awkward about what happens post-make outs, and as much as we adore Broderick if only because of Bueller, he's stiff as a board. Though, stiffness may not be the worst quality when it comes to filming sex scenes, no?

Anyway, here's the trailer of what looks to be a shitshow of a movie, one that we'll NEVER see.

[Photo credits: Getty, Wireimage]

• HELEN HUNT & MATTHEW BRODERICK EMBRACE THEIR PAST [NYDN]