During the singer's first tour of love with original Mayer groupie Jessica Simpson, his girlfriend displayed an eerily similar series of uber-fan moves by schlepping along a big camera to take mid-performance pictures with and "rocking out" at his concerts. But Simpson's unsurprising lack of actual knowledge when it came to his song lyrics and tendency to steal Mayer's thunder by distracting the crowd with her awkward dance moves and lip syncing. And Aniston is continuing the star status-for-headlines narrative by proving herself to be the main attraction during his shows and, according to PopCrunch, behaving every bit like the notoriously jealous Jessica and having potentially man-stealing starlets like Kimberly Stewart ejected from the audience. With all the off-stage girl drama that comes with a John Mayer performance, it looks like any press he actually receives for his career is directly related to how big of an ass his current paramour can possibly make of herself gig after gig.

• JEN HELPS JOHN KICK OFF HIS SUMMER TOUR [People]

Yes, one ball wonder Lance Armstrong is discovering the benefits to following his pony around, namely in the form of residuals. While Hudson made some attempt to gussy up for the new-ish couple's lunch with Goldie, the bicyclist and sometimes-cameo artist threw on an old t-shirt and couldn't be bothered to shave his beard, leaving him looking like flip flop-less Matthew McConaughey's understudy in Fool's Gold. Which is a look that only works when you're elbow-deep in garbage and tears. And when you're Matthew McConaughey.

[Photo credit: Splash]

• KATE AND LANCE HAVE A BEACHSIDE LUNCH WITH GOLDIE HAWN [People]

As a source told the Mail, Farrell and Forrest "have spent months trying to keep the relationship secret because they are falling madly in love...[Colin] has knocked the drinking on the head and is enjoying life in a completely different way. Emma has been a steadying influence." And judging by Emma's many interviews over the years, the reformed party beast is most likely spending his evenings watching Elizabeth Taylor movie marathons (Emma's idol!), surrounded by cats ("better than men!" says Emma), and plucking "giant flying cockroaches" from his girlfriend's face during her frequent crying fits (they "thrive" on her tears!). To be fair, Forrest might actually be ideal for the volatile Farrell. If anyone can tame his bad boy habits, it has to be the girl who counts Old Dirty Bastard (RIP) among her former paramours.

[Photo credits: X17, AP]

• SKINNY COLIN FARRELL HAS THE LOOK OF LOVE AS HE GOES PUBLIC WITH NEW BRITISH GIRLFRIEND [Daily Mail]

As Us informs us today, the former nose candy aficionado who was rumored to spend Nelson Mandela fundraisers traipsing in and out of bathroom stalls with Kate Moss, is the current bedmate du jour of boy-crazy Cameron (who thinks "sex is the best" like OMG!). The supposedly clean Sculfor spent a few weeks slowly chipping away at Aniston's already damaged little heart after everything went sour with Vince Vaughn.

As for Diaz, the supposedly matured John Mayer spent a few weeks wiping away her post-Timberlake tears most likely in an effort to obtain as much rebound sex as possible. But back in 2003, good old Vince was the one wiping away another set of Diaz tears, this time caused by detox dieter Jared Leto.

Vince Vaughn, you charming devil, you. Now we understand why you turned down that threesome with Owen Wilson. Because when it comes to schtupping celebrity blonde singletons over the age of 30 in Hollywood, you are so money! You don't need his help after all.

[Photo credits: Wireimage, Splash]

• CAMERON DIAZ'S PDA-PACKED DATE WITH JENNIFER ANISTON'S EX [Us]

Before Bartha, Ashley was most recently linked to one ball wonder Lance Armstrong; prior to the bit part actor/bicyclist, the working twin had dalliances with Jared Leto before Lindsay Lohan stole him away. Most curiously, perhaps, was her brief sting dating the Prince of Annoyingness Wilmer Valderrama. The only pattern we see for our Ashley is the common presence of blue eyes (minus Wilmer), a solid but not intimidating bad boy rap sheet (minus Bartha, far as we know), and a general goal of dating the most random Hollywood outcasts in town. Were we not so envious of her newest paramour, we'd quite possibly applaud her diverse taste, even with Wilmer in the pack. Jared will always be Jordan Catalano in our eyes, no matter how much makeup he piles on.

MK has a wildly different (and yet unnervingly similar!) pattern of her own. Currently dating euro billionaire Lapo Elkann, the prunier Olsen counts artist/Uma Thurman cousin Max Snow and every Hollywood bimbo’s favorite throwaway make-out partner Stavros Niarchos among her ex-boyfriends. It seems MK’s requirements include long, mangy hair, an incredibly ambiguous “career” despite being labeled heirs, and guys who are afraid of showers. In the end, we get the sense that the more pragmatic and naive Ashley tends to chase after those who shoot excellent game and resemble knights in latex/guylighter/hair gelled armor, while MK has a far more pointed system: the dirtier, sleazier, greasier, and potentially damaging boys feed (hey, something has to feed her) her masochistic mania. Analysis complete.

[Photo credits: Wireimage]

• THEY CAN'T HIDE FROM US [NYP]

The event in question was a snoozefest charity something-or-other at STK, filled with equally snooze-y dinner companions like Cox, her lesser half David Arquette, and easy-to-break-in-half Kate Bosworth. But more interesting than Aniston and Mayer's forced smiles is the fact that the charity was in honor of philanthropist Jeffrey Sachs, who happens to be very best buds with Brad Pitt and has done more than his fair share of charity work with Angelina Jolie. With revenge photos en vogue recently, could the clever Aniston have chosen this particular night to ensure her public boy toy outing would distract the expecting Brangelina from all that fancy Chosen Two cash burning?

• JEN ANISTON, JOHN MAYER MAKE PUBLIC DEBUT [Us]

As the Daily Mail reports, Lily, Lindsay and Sam all had a giggle on Monday, which naturally concerns us. Lily, who is close with Ronson's older brother, Amy Winehouse-enabler and fellow DJ Mark Ronson, hasn't exactly been what we Americans call "sober" of late. Her travails through Cannes included bouts of vomiting, seasickness- (or alcohol poisoning-) induced fainting spells, topless cliff diving and all around bad behavior. Plus, why on earth would Sam allow Lindsay to sit next to Lily instead of within belly-poking distance by her side?

As for Britney, the soon-to-be Vegas sensation had yet another date with guiding light Mel Gibson last night. And the pairing that once made us nauseous now warms our pro-Britney heart. Looking sanitary, healthy and slim, Spears even made the wise decision to don jeans instead of her trademark Britney-flashing skirts. The former anti-semitic sugar tits-loving Force is with you, Brit.

[Photo credits: WENN, X17]

• LINDSAY LOHAN, LILY ALLEN AND HER LESBIAN LOVER MAKE THREE [Daily Mail]
• BRITNEY POPOZAO POST [ONTD]

"[A woman] was approached by the assistant of David Hasselhoff...and he gave her an autographed photo of him. On the back of the photo was the assistant's phone number and a suggestion that she get in touch with 'them.'"

Even more embarrassing than the fact that Hasselhoff sends his poor PA to fetch women for him using an airbrushed 8x10 is the method he uses in narrowing in on a target. The sighting in question occurred in Manhattan after a group of women returned from a taping of America's Got Talent, the show Hoff judges and occasionally blesses with his vocal stylings. Which prompts us to take down a mental note: do not make eye contact with any "celebrity" judges at reality show tapings in the future. One polite smile in their direction may result in a head shot ambush.

[Photo credit: Getty]

• DAVID HASSELHOFF'S PICKUP GAME ISN'T SO HOT [Gatecrasher]