Australian tab New Weekly has a cover with the star looking like she's put on a few pounds. Given all that talk of anorexia a few years ago, you'd think that would be good, right? Wrong! The caption looks forward to the day she gets "healthy." Just last Wednesday Star also did the "Mary-Kate is fat" story, calling her weight gain shocking and saying "bye-bye billion dollar looks, hello bloat."

Star has a long history of railing on Mary-Kate's weight. It started in 2004, when they ran a cover saying she was too thin because of drugs.

They finally believed the actress' claims of anorexia in 2007 (see cover above), but did so by chastising her "stick thin legs" and wondering what is the best way to get her back to health.

Then, in 2008, they did an about face, saying she's headed back to rehab because of drinking and drugs.

There are really only six stories in a gossip glossy: diet (either too skinny or too fat), drugs, boyfriends, weddings, pregnancy and deaths. So just wait, they're soon going to say that the "bloat" is from drugs or bulimia or pregnancy or (gasp) all three! Maybe if everyone wasn't so obsessed with what she's eating, her weight would even itself out naturally. Why not go after Jonah Hill. He's overweight and probably much more in danger of a heart attack than Mary-Kate is in danger of anything other than wearing a bad outfit.

US
"Kendra & Kourtney Talk Baby!"
Everything you never wanted to know about these ladies, who are both due in December. Kendra found out she was pregnant in the bathroom of a baggage claim area in an airport. Kendra says: "We weren't trying, but we didn't use a condom that night." Kendra also says now that she's knocked up, "I've been hornier." There's more, about stuff coming out of Kendra's nipples and breastfeeding with implants and "crowning moments" and so on. Also inside: A source in Chris Brown's entourage says: "If anyone says Rihanna, people in his camp say, 'We don't use that name around here.'" Lastly: Jon Gosselin had a makeout session with University of Connecticut senior Katie Hudd on August 18 at the Foxwoods Resort. A pal who is a waitress at the casino and took pictures; and the manager of the place says he's seen them. Jon's rep says the girl just asked for a kiss on the cheek "and he obliged."
Grade: F (botched face lift)

In Touch
"Catfight Of The Year: Octomom Slams Kate"
It sounds like a wrestling match, but it's a story is based on comments Nadya Suleman made in the documentary Octomom: The Incredible Unseen Footage. Nadya said Kate Gosselin's tummy tuck was "cheating" and that Kate was "desperate for fame" and that the show was "fake." So Kate is livid and thinks that Nadya is trying to get revenge, since Kate was asked to be in the documentary and just ignored the request. Since Kate wouldn't show up, Nadya talked about Kate instead. Don't forget to check out the "Worse Mom" side-by-side comparison (Fig. 1). Yawn. Next: Jason Trawick has dumped Britney Spears because she is too clingy. The mag wonders: Will push her over the edge again? Apparently Britney was serious about Jason, but he saw the relationship as casual. A "friend" says: "All Britney wants is a husband. Jason just couldn't deal with that." Katie Holmes is rebelling against her marriage to Tom Cruise by overeating. Since she's been filming in Australia, she's been eating chocolate, potato chips and pizza — and gained five pounds. "Brad Pitt Finally Admits: It Won't Last." Apparently when Brad talked to Ann Curry, he said: "Someday, it won't always be there… I don't look forward to that day, so… the greater the love, the greater the loss." This mag interprets this stoner babble as his "process of separating from Angelina." Even though Brad and Angie are living together at Chateau Miraval, "they're actually living separate lives." The next page has a bunch of happy pictures of the couple and the kids at a pet store. Angelina is supposedly "miserable" yet smiling and petting a hamster. Lastly: Some of the stars on "dangerous diets" include Victoria Beckham, Jessica Alba and Taylor Momsen.
Grade: F (crooked eye job)

Life & Style
"How I Stay Thin!"
Jennifer Aniston stopped getting Zone diet delivery meals about six years ago when she hired personal chefs. She has this no-carb diet where she loses 5 pounds in 5 days by eating protein and veggies, blah blah blah. A source says: "She's not skinny, she's perfectly fit." Kate Hudson and Alex Rodriguez have only been dating for 3 months but Kate "already wants A-Rod to stop playing the field." "She's brought up marriage to him," says a pal. And she has "baby on the brain," and brought her parents to a baseball game. But a body language expert says he's just that not into her. What do you do when your sorta-shocking nude tape gets leaked? Eric Dane and Rebecca Gayheart are trying to bring an innocent child into the world! A source says she's three months along, and this little McSteamy will "save" their marriage. Jon Gosselin says his kids staged a "sit-in revolt" and didn't want to work when the TLC cameras were trying to film recently. An eyewitness says the crew was yelling at the kids to stay outside and keep filming, but the kids seemed really tired. But the crew kept pushing them. This article ends thusly: "While Daddy pursues other projects, and Mommy disappears on her days off, the eight children are left behind. And sadly, the only people guaranteed to be there for them are the ones operating the cameras." Sob!
Grade: F (horrific nose job)

Ok!
"Angie Tells Brad: Sleep On The Couch!"
This story's angle? Angie is a bad mom because she works. Brad wanted her to focus on the family and not her career; then Brad found a box of scripts and a fight ensued. Angie stormed out and told Brad to sleep on the couch. More reasons they're "at the breaking point": Brad wants Angelina to reconcile with her dad, because he doesn't believe in holding grudges. Also a problem? Brad's "embarrassing weight gain" — he's put on 10 pounds and has been seen at Dunkin' Donuts and pizza parlors — Angie finds his new belly unattractive. And his drinking could also be a factor. He's hoping that by doing some kind of Eat Clean diet "she'll fall in love with him all over again." Moving along: Renée Zellweger and Bradley Cooper went to see District 9 in NYC's Battery Park City and she offered to pay, but Bradley wouldn't let her. They were trying not to be spotted, but he was wearing sunglasses at night. They ate Junior Mints and M&Ms. A friend says: "She's not losing herself in the relationship or pushing the guy into marriage." Unlike Aniston!!! Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson's "sexual spark" might "explode" when they start filming Eclipse. An insider says: "Rob always thought Kris was gorgeous, but when he saw her in San Diego, he was blown away. The young girl he left behind in June had blossomed into a sexy rocker goddess." The Joan Jett haircut gets 'em every time. Jason Trawick was seen at Crown Bar in LA, surrounded by girls. Poor Britney!
Grade: F (terrible chemical peel)

Star
"Torn Apart By Grief"
John Travolta is really depressed about the death of his son Jett and has been holed up in his room watching movies and eating ice cream; Kelly Preston has been throwing herself into work and will play Miley Cyrus's mom in a new flick. Lindsay's reps deny that she got lip filler, but these pictures of Lindsay — and 14-year-old sister Ali — do not lie (Fig. 2). Shania Twain is getting married to the ex-husband of the woman who had an affair with her husband. It's a husband swap! Kate Gosselin made a handwritten list of her expenses, which she took to Kinko's to copy. A paparazzo zoomed in and took a photograph, so now we know that Kate pays $150 a month for cable and $5,000 a month for personal security. "Faking It For The Kids" — That's what Brad and Angie are doing. The relationship is on the rocks, but they don't want to upset the children. Through some long heart-to-hearts, Angie is persuading Brad to start over. By the by, in the midst of this "turmoil," Brad and Angie are in the process of buying Chateau Miraval, which they were renting. LeAnn Rimes and Eddie Cibrian have gone public with their affair and will marry when their divorces are finalized. A sources says "She's already subscribed to Bride's magazine." Last, but not least, the mag calls Mary-Kate Olsen "bloated," and says her "weight gain" is "shocking" — and that at 130 lbs. something must be wrong. "Bye-bye, billion dollar looks, hello bloat!" Nice way to treat a woman with an eating disorder (Fig 3).
Grade: F (scary brow lift)

Fig. 1

Fig 2 (click to enlarge)

Fig. 3 (click to enlarge)

Page Six has the scoop:

A Page Six spy, who recently shared an elevator at Barneys with the diminutive actress, reports Olsen was excited about all the discounted merchandise for the taking. "It's really sad - the recession is everywhere. But at least they are having good sales," said Olsen, who pointed to her hat. "That's where I got this! The recession!"

While we congratulate the empathetic Olsen on finding a silver lining, we're appalled that she still hasn't discovered the hottest boutique in town, Madoff. The expense may be steep there, but if the actress forks over as much as she can, we have a feeling that the payoff will be priceless.

• RECESSION FAN [NY Post]

Cocaine-snazzled actress Lindsay Lohan, who is now a gay person dating a gay woman who deejayed at the bash. Odious "actress" and model Mischa Barton (who, OK, was born in England, but she made her money here). Tax-dodging half-vampire Wesley Snipes. Too-bored-to-ever-know-where-she-is fashion plate Mary Kate Olsen. I guess things here in the patriotic old US of A got a bit too messy for them, a bit too elbow-greasy. So they flit on over to some twirling, towering desert city of steel and glass where the champagne still flows and the hotels are tacky and people still have the energy to celebrate it all. Fair-weather Americans if you ask me.

While the country burns—literally and figuratively—these folks spent how much on dresses (and, um, banana-yellow suits in the case of Mr. Snipes), to go fete it up in the Middle East and had the audacity to smile?? Well I hope they like it over there in Terrorist Disney World, because they aren't allowed back here.

All images via Getty

Us
"Inside Her Family Tragedy." Honestly? Too sad to read about J. Hud's awful triple murders. Also, the latest news is that kid had his hand hacked off. What else was inside? Dancing With The Stars' Maksim Chmerkovskiy was quoted saying that his costars Lacey Schwimmer and Cheryl Burke needed to do something about their weight, but now he says that his words were taken out of context: "I want them to know that I wasn't calling them heavy, because they aren't." Lastly: Michael Kors and Nina Garcia are only going to be in five or six episode of the new season of Project Runway. Celebrities will fill in the rest of the time. Plus! Mood fabrics has an L.A. branch, but it was too far from the filming site, so producers "simply placed a Mood sign on a different storefront." WTF?
Grade: F (razor blade-filled apple)

Life & Style
"Carrie Calls Jessica Fat." Intern Margaret says, "It's not that there wasn't stuff in this magazine, it's just that the stuff in there made me want to vomit." Here's the deal: A "friend" of Carrie Underwood's said that Carrie has been sniping about Jessica Simpson's body. Carrie thinks Jess is attractive but wouldn't want to be "so buxom and top heavy." A "pal" of Jessica's says her current stylists don't know how to dress someone with big boobs. Jessica says: "I dress for men and myself. If I'm dressing for men, then I know it's good for myself." Um. Okay. Then the story spins off into a four-page battle of "skinny vs. curvy" — side by side pictures of women, sometimes battling themselves. The magazine talks to men — Zac Efron, Penn Badgley, Christian Siriano! — and asks them which they prefer. One guy actually says, "A hybrid of skinny and curvy would be the ultimate." It's such a mindfuck (Fig. 1, 2). Travis Barker had dinner with his daughter; he's out and about a little bit. There's a six page "exclusive" with Larry Birkhead called "Saying Goodbye To Anna Nicole." It involves staged pictures of Larry and baby Dannielynn packing up all the pink stuff in the house. They're moving because there's no backyard. Lastly, in a new section called "Dr. Rey's Casebook," Dr. Robert Rey from Dr. 90210 "weighs in on which A-list assets deserve top billing, and which ones could use a little work." He says Heather Graham needs a boob lift and Cameron Diaz would look better with Lindsay Lohan's chest.
Grade: D- (tooth brush)

In Touch
"Jen Looks Pregnant." Apparently it is cover-worthy news that some people think that Jennifer Aniston's tummy looks enlarged and she's been hiding it (Fig. 3). The magazine notes that "all of her friends have kids." Also, if it's John Mayer's baby, "it would explain why they are back together." Moving on: Reese is finally ready to marry Jake Gyllenhaal. A "pal" says she is "not a very spontaneous person" and the wedding will happen "in 2009." Very specific! There are two pages called "Why Won't Tom & Katie Put A Coat On Suri?" (Fig. 4). George Clooney is back with ex-gf Krista Allen because she is "independent" and "not clingy." A-Rod sent Madonna a 22-karat gold bracelet with a single charm that reads "bashert," which reads "meant to be" in Yiddish. They're planning to spend Thanksgiving together. Angelina went to Afghanistan on October 21 to visit refugees left homeless by the fighting against the Taliban as part of her work as a UN Goodwill Ambassador. She cried. Lastly, everyone in Hollywood is wearing the Black Halo Jackie O. dress (Fig. 5).
Grade: D (marshmallow "circus" peanuts)

OK!
"Wedding & New Baby In Weeks!" So, if Brad and Angie get hitched, it wouldn't be a "big, white affair" says a "family friend." It will be "very elegant, though" with "vows they write themselves." And it will either happen at the French chateau or in New Orleans. Expect no more than 25 guests: Jonny Lee Miller, Brad's mom and dad, James Haven. The same friend says, "To Brad and Angie, marriage is a piece of paper." Moving on: The story titled "Jen & Gerard's SEXY DATE" informs us that Ms. Aniston and Gerard Butler are in talks to star in a comedy together. Fourteen-year-old Mark Indelicato, who plays Justin on Ugly Betty, is gonna be Hannah Montana for Halloween. "I'm going to get a Hannah Montana T-shirt, the wig and the guitar that sings," he says. "It's going to be awesome." Oh, Tyra was a bully! "In elementary school, I was a mean girl," she says. "I would kick girls out of our group and make them go play with the non-popular kids. I was pretty bad." Nick Cannon was DJing a party in New York, and ten minutes into Nick's set, Mariah snuck out to talk to Donatella Versace. "She clearly wasn't into Nick's music at all," a source says. Page 59 asserts that Tina Fey's 3-year-old daughter Alice wears a $1300 Judith Ripka pearl necklace. Tina, say it ain't so! Or maybe it was a gift???
Grade: D+ (stale candy corn)

Star
"Angie's Humiliating Betrayal!" Brad Pitt has been flirting with his Inglourious Basterds costar, Diane Kruger. They were in Troy together, but she was married back then! Angelina is scared that Brad is gonna do to her what he did to Jen. Plus, Brad went on an Oktoberfest bender with Quentin Tarantino, which Quentin called their "whores and beer" night. There's no confirmation that whores were in attendance, btw. Brad came home super late and he and Angie got into a "screaming match." She told him she'd leave if he started up with Diane. Moving on: Blind item! "Which reality starlet had a blonde moment and forgot to turn off her mic in the bathroom? No, the crew couldn't hear her flush, but they could hear her do a few lines of coke." Funny headline: "Parents To Miley: Don't End Up Like Jamie Lynn!" Another great headline: "Twin Peaks: Mary-Kate & Ashley Battle Over Matching Boob Jobs." Ashley Olsen wants to get implants, so she asked MK to get them at the same time, so it wouldn't be as obvious that she got work done. A source says: "That way they could say they both matured and are filling out naturally." They are 22. MK was horrified and said no way. They've already had nose jobs, btw (Fig. 6). Katie Holmes has a crush on her All My Sons costar, Patrick Wilson. He's married. Tom has bodyguards around Katie at all times; they spy on her and report back to him. Jennifer Aniston has hired a wedding planner! Last week she popped the question to John Mayer, now she's planning her ceremony. She says she's meeting with celebrity wedding planner Mindy Weiss to plan a 40th birthday party, but Star says Aniston's working on a beach wedding in Los Cabos, Mexico. She wants people doing tequila poppers and listening to a mariachi band. Jen wants to wear a simple white dress with flowers in her hair; a flowing "Mexican peasant" look. Coco Cox-Arquette will be the flower girl. Pete Wentz will be the best man. Lastly, there is a 5 page feature on laundry tips with pictures of stars picking up their dry cleaning.
Grade: C (generic chocolate bar)

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Boomp3.com

Pint size media mogul Ashley Olsen took further advantage of her mogul status as she cut through the line at LAX early on Tuesday morning. In addition to moving ahead in line, Olsen did not have to crawl on her hands and knees to breeze past the rest of the line. Olsen said, "Airport lint is hell on my jeans."

[Photo Credit: Bauer-Griffin]

*A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

Boomp3.com

Notoriously camera shy star Mary Kate Olsen appeared to be even more camera shy than usual while out in New York City over the weekend. It appeared that Olsen was second-guessing her decision to let her new beau leave the house wearing that ridiculous hat. Upon entering the eatery, Olsen politely asked if he would remove the hat, saying that it made him look like the long-lost fifth member of the Be-Sharps. The man responded with a clear and firm "No way. I'm trying to bring back the barbershop look. These things are going to be flying off the shelves in Urban Outfitters in three months. The straw skimmer hat is here to stay, kiddo."

[Photo Credit: INF Daily]

*A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

All will be revealed — the full list, after the jump:

1. (tie) Daniel Radcliffe, Miley Cyrus - $25 million

3. Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen - $15 million

4. The Jonas Brothers - $12 million

5. Zac Efron - $5.8 million

6. Ashley Tisdale - $5.5 million

7. Emma Watson - $5.5 million

8. Hillary Duff - $5 million

9. Rupert Grint - $5 million

10. Vanessa Anne Hudgens $3.2 million

Apparently, tween wealth comes in threes: not only do three Harry Potter stars and three actors from High School Musical make the list, but the trio of Jonas Brothers as well. Still, while the salaries are steep, the number one thing we took away from this list was an overlap with this one. We now eagerly await the salacious (yet tasteful!) Us Weekly slideshow devoted to "Celebrity Tween Virgin Mega-Millionaires."

• Daniel Radcliffe enjoys a spell at the top of Forbes' rich list for young actors... and Emma and Rupert join in the fun [Daily Mail]

Sources connected with the Heath Ledger investigation say the Drug Enforcement Administration set a new low for starf**king.

People who have talked to TMZ off the record are now willing to go on record — still anonymously — about one of the most bizarre DEA power grabs ever.

How's this for starters ... no one we've spoken with connected with the case can point to a single DEA case where a massive investigation was launched over an accidental death in which no criminality was even hinted at.

We know the DEA went all over the country, in one case tracking down a guy in California who smoked a joint with Ledger in the '90s, telling him he had to testify in a Grand Jury probe. And how's this for chutzpah ... the DEA told the guy he would have to pay his own way to NYC to testify before the Grand Jury!

Still, that errant joint smoker was hardly the most obscure witness tagged by the DEA; agents interviewed not just high-profile targets like Michelle Williams and Helena Christiansen but also the shirt from Brokeback Mountain, a guy who bought a ticket to The Four Feathers, and Julia Stiles. Finding nothing of value, the agents hung out long enough to see The Dark Knight in IMAX at The Bridge, eventually concluding their investigation when the pimply sixteen-year-old at concessions was unable to determine where exactly the Joker got those wonderful toys.

• DEA — What Were THEY Smoking?! [TMZ]

• The Comedy Central Roast of Bob Saget [Comedy Central]

[A source] added, "Everyone has been very eager to help, saying what a great guy Heath Ledger was, everyone except Mary-Kate, who has refused to speak."

That source explained that Olsen would be the final witness they need to conclude their investigation into where he got his drugs and medicines.

Fortunately, Olsen can point to her sterling acting record as of late: playing a stoner in both Weeds and The Wackness. Uh-oh. M-K, it may be time to beat a hasty retreat, Kimmy Gibler-style — or, failing that, might we suggest a hilarious mistaken identity comedy involving Ashley, the Big House, and an affectionate cellmate named Big Bertha?

[Photo Credit: AP]

• OLSEN TO HEATH FEDS: LET'S DEAL [New York Post]

We'll let our informant take the floor and set the pre-Hartnett scene for us:

"Kirsten came in on the early side with a matching blonde wingwoman, and she definitely didn't look like the dirty-haired slob most sightings have depicted her as. She was bubbly, giggly, bouncing from friend to friend near the bar and enjoying the music upstairs. At one point she asked me for a cigarette and a light, so I handed her one, but before I could fetch a lighter, some heroic hipster-y looking guy swept up and took over celebrity cigarette lighting responsibilities. She was smiley all night, wearing a girly grunge flannel shirt and skinny jeans. The Olsen twin came in with a huge posse around the same time, but the two stars didn't say a word to each other all night. The MK/Ashley hybrid planted herself by the DJ's booth and chain-smoked all night while hush-hush gossiping with a tight group of friends."

But it seems that as soon as master thespian Josh showed up around 1am, Dunst abandoned her cigarette bumming and devoted all her attention to the newly shaven star:

"As soon as Josh came in with a couple of wingmen of his own, Kirsten went straight towards him and spent a good half hour laughing and chatting him up by the bar — their faces were so close, they might as well have been eskimo-kissing. And even though Kirsten followed Josh whenever he changed rooms, up the stairs when he went up to survey the dance floor still lorded over by the seated Olsen, and down the stairs when he needed a refill, he was definitely reciprocating. The one non-nauseating sight? Didn't see Dunst take one sip of anything. MK/Olsen/Whichever, on the other hand..."

The icing on the cake? Another source tells us, "My friend saw Josh and Kirsten leave together." And somehow we doubt all that flirting didn't end with a handshake on the curb.

[Photo credit: Getty]

• SPIN ME [NYP]

1) The “Collapse” That Wasn’t: First of all, who hasn’t tripped once or twice when leaving a bar? Secondly, when someone like little MK leaves a bar, she doesn’t find herself in some empty vacant parking lot — she’s surrounded by handlers, paparazzi towering something like twelve feet above her head, and maneuvering her way to a ride involves all kinds of obstacles, from curbs uneasily managed while wearing four-inch heels to flashbulbs making it nearly impossible to see where the hell she’s going. Stumbling (kind of gracefully) briefly during a clusterfuck like that does not a “collapse” make.

2) The Mythical Heath/Mary-Kate Romance Remains Purely...Mythical: We won’t point any fingers (since pointing one of those fingers at ourselves just isn’t fun), but more than a few gossips and reporters launched a baseless theory immediately following Ledger’s tragic death, that he and Olsen had been dating at the time. A few scattered clues, including his masseuse’s decision to call MK before the police, the possibility that Olsen owned the apartment Ledger had been renting, and her total silence post-tragedy, sort of suggested a possible romance. But for Star to affirmatively call the deceased Joker Mary-Kate’s “lover” is off the mark. Even if the two were in some way together, Olsen’s so-called grief arrives at an odd time; Ledger’s legend may include an Oscar come next winter, and MK is finally hitting her acting stride.

3) If Any Olsen Is Suffering Twin Envy, It’s Ashley: More than a few stories have popped up lately regarding the growing friction between Mary-Kate, who’s all but abandoned her Dualstar responsibilities for trapeeze lessons in China, and Ashley, who has so far kept up appearances as an active co-president. But everyone knows these girls have had stars in their eyes since ruining television before they could even speak. We don’t care how vehemently Ashley defends her working girl persona; need we remind her of a little role on her horizon in which she’ll partner with an ensemble cast to successfully destroy yet another Bret Easton Ellis novel by just not getting it on-screen?

[Photo credits: X17]

• BACK TO REHAB FOR MARY-KATE OLSEN? [Star]

Life & Style
"Baby Album." OMG babiezzz. Eight pages of details on celebrity infants and new moms and dads, if you care, which we don't. Included are: Harlow Madden, Sunday Rose Kidman Urban (no pictures), Trista Sutter's son Max, Ali Landry's daughter Estella, Gabrielle Reese's son Brody Jo Hamilton and Melissa Joan Hart's son Braydon. Next: Madonna and A-Rod news: "He's just her type," says a source. "She loves attractive, muscular Latin men." Who doesn't? Allegedly Cynthia Rodriguez found a letter Alex had written to Madonna which read, "You are my true soulmate." Meanwhile, who is watching the kids? Madonna's daughter Lourdes was seen throwing blueberries at people on the sidewalk from her balcony in New York (Fig 1). Next: On her birthday, Lindsay Lohan got a message from Samantha Ronson on her BlackBerry, which she left up all day. It said: "I love you, honey. Happy four month anniversary!" Awww. We knew back in April that it was love!
Grade: C- (hot breeze)
OK!
"Jamie Lynn's Baby Maddie!" JLS says: "Being a mom is the best feeling in the world!" Intern Margaret read the whole eight-page story and says JLS sounds "extremely sane and disappointingly normal." Also, despite previous reports, there was no C-section and Casey was in the delivery room but didn't faint. JLS says if Maddie wants to go into show business, she'll support her daughter 100%. Moving on! Tom and Katie spent July 4th at Tom's ranch in Telluride, CO and were joined by the Beckham brood. Barack Obama told his daughters "yes we can" get a dog after the election. Madonna and Guy's marriage has apparently been over for two years. A source says: "Madonna and Alex are having fun. She has 'sexy friends' in New York, London and Los Angeles — and all over the world." Lastly: Was Nicole Richie kicked out of the Hard Rock Hotel in Vegas because she hit a guy after he slapped her ass at the valet stand?
Grade: C (cool breeze)
Us
"Caught!" Alex Rodriguez supposedly exchanges sexy text messages with Madonna. He told a source: "She's my fucking soulmate, dude!" He's also way into Kabbalah now. His friends say "He's been brainwashed." But! Madonna is already over it. "She only wants someone when it's a challenge," says a source. She ruined Alex's marriage, and she feels she won… So it's on to the next challenge." Also inside: There's an "exclusive" five-page story about Andrew "The Bachelor" Firestone's wedding but we simply do not care. Next: Drew Barrymore and Justin Long split because neither of them wanted to go to the next level, whatever that is. Also Drew thought he was immature. They're still friends, naturally. Have you seen Jennifer Lopez's baby girl (Fig. 2)? Courtney Love is a "trainwreck" with an alternate persona called Cherry Kookoo. The mag has actual train tracks on this page about her. Did you see her riding in the shopping cart? She explains that thusly: "He just threw me in and bam bam bam razzi razzi." (Fig. 3) Ellen and Portia are planning their wedding. Portia says "It's going to be kind of big." Yay! Jennifer Aniston is on a "love tour" as she follows John Mayer on his tour. In just two weeks they have hit seven cities in the US, Canada and Europe.
Grade: C+ (paper fan from Chinatown)
Star
"Mary-Kate Back To Rehab?" MK's been partying a lot and her friends are convinced it's because of her inability to accept Heath's death. (See? It says it right there on the cover: "Haunted by Heath.") She might be anorexic again. [I saw her on 'Letterman' and she looked quite healthy. -Ed.] Moving on: Tom Cruise has packed on 25 lbs. His "chiseled torso" and "muscle-bound shoulders" are MIA. In their place "a chunky, definitely unhunky rear view, complete with flabby delts and love handles flopping over his jeans." Judge for yourself (Fig. 4). Also inside: Jodie Foster has a new girlfriend and they are playing house! Michelle Williams is "trying to move on." A source says behind closed doors "she sobs her heart out" and can barely handle seeing Dark Knight posters. Brody Jenner's family is worried that he's an alcoholic. And they have reason to be worried! "He used to be a fun guy to be around, but now he's just an obnoxious drunk," an insider snarls. While on bed rest, Angelina Jolie has been watching reruns of Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman. There's a six-page story on Hollywood's Hottest Bromances: Justin Timberlake and Trace Ayala; Ryan Seacrest and Simon Cowell; Chace Crawford and Ed Westwick.
Grade: B- (electric fan)
In Touch
"The Truth About Their Steamy Affair." Madonna has told a pal that she "loves Alex, but only as a friend." But! Alex supposedly rented a separate apartment just as a "secret love nest." Moving on: Angelina hasn't been walking around the hospital. She's just been lying in bed, reading magazines, typing on her computer and talking on the phone. Because she's on bed rest. Next: Britney's kids don't know her, a story claims. They're dependent on the nanny, who wakes them up, feeds them breakfast and puts them down for naps. The nanny loves the boys with all her heart. Oh! Heidi Montag went to the DMV with Spencer Pratt to register to vote! Score one for John McCain! Colin Farrell has gone public with his relationship with English novelist Emma Forrest, by the by. Rumer Willis says: "There's so much pressure to look a certain way and I don't fit the convention, but it's okay if you're not the perfect picture." Post-baby Jessica Alba wants her old body back. She "let herself" have pasta and bread recently and "couldn't resist" a "sweet treat" from Pinkberry a few days later. How dare a Hollywood mom eat! Chris Kattan's wedding seems awesome: Parker Posey was his "best man." Brooke Shields, Will Ferrell and Charlie Sheen were there, as well as so many more (Fig. 5)! Benji Madden won't let Paris get a tattoo. "He doesn't like tattoos on women. He thinks I look pure," she explains. But! He plans to get one of her face.
Grade: B (air conditioning)
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Fig. 5

”I don't really get why she'd use my name to get press for her little indie film that no one's going to see...I know I've made it in Hollywood when a famous troll is talking about me on Letterman...I forgive her, though. She's had to go through life as the less cute twin, which must be tough."

As the war between actual working actress Olsen and reality trash-talker Pratt heats up, we dug up evidence that this battle has a much longer history than we thought. After the jump, the sordid high-school photo scandal that sparked the Olsen vs. Pratt battle years ago.

In the Us piece, Spencer throws a curveball into the mix by stating he and Mary-Kate didn't even attend the same high school, which is (not scientifically, by any means) actually evident on several "news" sites. But whether or not Olsen's quietly harsh comments about Pratt's soccer game hissy fits are slightly tarnished by this info, the two most certainly spent time socializing before Olsen hit her NYU hobo years and anyone on the planet knew who Pratt even was. After revisiting a Details profile on Spencer and his then-partner in crime Brody Jenner from last year, we noticed this plum detail: "the guy...will proudly tell you he made $50,000 in high school by selling a photo he took of Mary-Kate Olsen drinking at a party." One search through an Olsens fan site later turns up the picture in question, which looks less to us like evidence that MK is a "drunk" lush, and more like evidence that MK has always been the pruney-smiling party girl we've grown to know and love. Not to mention that Spencer, pictured upper left, has always been incredibly scary to look at. Team Olsen is where we remain.

[Photo credit: Olsen-Twins-News.com]

• SPENCER PRATT: ACTRESS MARY-KATE OLSEN IS THE LESS CUTE TWIN [Us]
• THE CREEP WHO MADE $50K BY SNAPPING MARY-KATE 'DRUNK' [Olsen-Twins-News]