Dear God,

Hi, God, it's me, Heather O'Rourke — the little girl from Poltergeist. How's tricks? I know how busy you must be dealing with the whole Isaac Hayes thing right now (my vote: let him in!), but when you get a second, I was hoping I might ask you for just one tiny little favor. It would really mean a lot, and I've been really good all these years and haven't requested anything except for that pony, but that was, like, 20 years ago when I first got here, and you never got back to me. No probs, though, God — I'm kinda glad it didn't work out, because now I need you to do me a much more important solid: Can you please smite the people responsible for this planned remake of Poltergeist?

I don't quite know how these things work; Brad Renfro told me you helped out with his dealer not too long ago, and that depending on my grievance I could get some "real fucking payback" (his words not mine, LOL). And I think I've got a pretty strong case. I'm sure you've heard about all these movies MGM is recycling — Red Dawn, RoboCop, etc. — which is all pretty tacky, if you ask me. Like, really, God, aren't there any new ideas? Then I heard this morning that they hired some writers to remake my movie Poltergeist. I couldn't believe it! We had such a good thing going back in 1982, and now they're just gonna go and unimaginatively squeeze another few dollars out of the property. I'm practically spinning in my grave!

Now listen, God: I have always minded my manners and been nice to everyone, as per Your dictates. But this really ticks me off, and if everyone else down on Earth gets to bomb, rape and kill each other with impunity, I don't see why I can't just this once ask you to strike someone with lightning or cast them opposite Billy Bob Thornton or at least scare some honest-to-You sense into them. Have you seen Poltergeist, God? I mean, I know you probably anticipated a lot of the twists, but didn't we do a good job overall — good enough to be left alone, anyway? It's not like we made Short Circuit (another forthcoming remake, but that's not my problem) or anything.

And frankly, God, You've already made enough trouble with the whole curse that brought me and my on-screen sister Dominique Dunne here prematurely. I think teaching these heathens a lesson would be a healthy first step in rehabilitating Your image among us.

Anyway, the people at MGM are named Harry Sloan, Mary Parent and Cale Boyter. The writers' names are Stiles White and Juliet Snowden, but I guess technically it's not their fault that this is happening, so please go easy on them — maybe an extended power outage, or an erased hard drive if they dare to revive my signature line, "They're heeeeeere." I trust You to determine the punishment for the studio people, though, especially with those other perversions they've wreaked of late. In fact, if You could get Tom Cruise himself to kill this project, I promise to clean my room and make my bed and eat my vegetables as long as I... well, You know.

So how about it, God? I'm really a sweet girl, but isn't enough enough? Let me know...

xo,

Heather

PS Leroi Moore, God? Really? That's just mean.

Most observers seem to think its a scenario as likely as the anthrax contagion rumored to be puffed through MGM Tower's central A/C, but frankly, we're in love with the idea. Moreover, we're in love with the 91-year-old mogul still rocking the brass balls it takes to reportedly offer $3 billion for the studio he sold to Sony four years ago for $5 billion:

Kerkorian's purported $3 billion offer roughly equates to the value of the studio implied in recent trading activity in MGM debt instruments, banking-community insiders noted. ...

Well-placed sources indicate MGM is sufficiently capitalized to fund film chief Mary Parent's ambitious new slate of film productions and other studio operations for at least another year. But after that, most believe, the studio likely will need to turn to new equity investors to maintain equilibrium.

We, too, had heard earlier whispers that Reliance Big Entertainment had considered an MGM bid before settling on DreamWorks for a fraction of the cost (and about 10 times the momentum), but thank goodness it took a pass. No potential deal boasts the appeal of Kerkorian 4.0, whose traditional role as Moribund MGM Heir historically augurs at least a few short-term miracles for the studio; the guy clearly can't wait to get in on that coveted remake of Red Dawn and/or putt around in the United Artists power vacuum. Which reminds us: Expect a press release from Harry Sloan by the end of the day assuring Hollywood that Tom Cruise is still in charge. He's just saying. Is all.

• Rumor values MGM at $3 billion [THR]

But at least Sloan stuck to the script when it came to United Artists — not that he has much choice with Valkyrie having consumed the $95 million it has, but his and studio president Mary Parent's optimism is decidedly advanced from his comments to the same paper a month-and-a-half ago:

MGM's financial records show that UA has already consumed about $150 million of its $500 million financing fund. But if the UA fund begins to dry up, Mr. Sloan says he is ready to replenish it.

"We're not going to let that thing fail," he said. "That is a non-duplicatable asset today, in these credit markets." ...

"[Valkyrie] didn't get out of the gate right, so we have to make sure there's adequate time to contextualize the film," Ms. Parent says. "It's a hard sell. It just is. But it's a film that people will be proud of."

Well, since she puts it that way — President's Day weekend, here we come!

• MGM: A Lion or a Lamb? [NYT]

The fallout from this move also effectively kills Cruise and partner Paula Wagner's United Artists revival at MGM. Our speculation as to whether or not UA could fill the potential DreamWorks void at Paramount hardly seems to matter when Cruise goes 0-for-2 with Lions For Lambs and Valkyrie, with the latter strikeout sending the humiliated schmogul and his pride to Team MGM's disabled list. Right now the best Cruise can hope for is a Mission Impossible 4 green light at Paramount — without the heavy back-end, without the Scientology drama and without the antics that earned Sumner Redstone's public enmity in 2006. Either that or a vacation to the John Hughes estate or a similarly low-lying area where his mystique (and demand) can recover away from the Valkyrie shock and awe. We'd miss him, of course, but we'd understand if he and the family wanted to decompress.

Of course that won't happen; his vulnerability makes him too attractive a target for new partners who can appeal to his ego. Per UA's agreement with MGM, a lot of those calls will run through Parent's office, an escalating power conduit in itself from which the Valkyrie whacking (not to mention Rick Sands' departure and last week's acquisition of the coveted Robert Ludlum property The Matarese Circle) is the soundest expression yet of who is in charge at the Lion. "She will be damn sure to pick movies she can market," Anne Thompson wrote Monday at her Variety blog. "That's half the battle. And Hollywood sat up and took notice of this move, because they know that Parent gets it." At least someone here does. Movie star, heal thyself.

PREVIOUSLY: Delayed Flight of 'Valkyrie' a Good Sign, Says MGM

Not shockingly, nobody involved is commenting on the shuffle, but the pressure is on as Parent and MGM kingpin Harry Sloan count on Boyter's touch with hits including Wedding Crashers and Elf — as opposed to his lesser-achieving New Line-obit-stuffers like Semi-Pro — to nudge the lion out of hibernation for the first time in years. Sands will no doubt land on his feet; we hear Paramount may have an office on the lot open in the near future.

• MGM's Parent hires Cale Boyter [Variety]