15. Russian Glamour, June 2009
Beyoncé's skin looked digitally darkened on the cover of Russian Glamour — and the editors had a guide! A magazine called Joy used the same shot in December 2007. Was something lost in translation? Save your "black Russian" jokes until the end.

14. L'Oreal, August 2008
Beyoncé's skin seemed very light in ads for Feria haircolor. One theory: she was washed out by the strong lighting usually used in shooting hair.

13. Vogue, November 2009
The cast of Nine is chock-full of gorgeous women, but this shot is a mindscramble of random rays of sunlight in hair and dresses with edges so sharp they look like they're for paper dolls. As I wrote in October: "I'm guessing [Annie] Leibovitz shot them each separately and then did a composite, but when you have a person who doesn't cast a shadow on the lady next to her, then that person is a vampire." Poor Kate Hudson looks like she was slapped on as an afterthought.

12. Complex, April/May 2009
Kim Kardashian's waist was cinched, her thighs were slimmed, her skin skin smoothed out and her hairline was cleaned up. Plus, her head appears to be a different shape in the "after" image. Who would have thought a skull could be made "sexier"?

11. Self, September 2009
Kelly Clarkson's "Total Body Confidence" came from digitally slimming her waist and behind. Two Self editors explained that the cover: "is not, as in a news photograph, journalism. It is, however, meant to inspire women to want to be their best."

10. King Arthur poster, 2004
Movie marketers felt they must, they must, they must increase the bust. Ironically, Keira Knightley told the Guardian that she lost her chest, doing archery and preparing for the role:

To fight, convincingly, shoulder to shoulder, she had to do that thing that is so de rigueur, which is totally to change your body shape. "I was about three times the size I am now. It worried me, but it was cool, it was a body that was doing what it should do. I haven't got a clue because I don't weigh myself, but it was all muscle and I was big. My neck disappeared. My chest flattened even more. It wasn't the most feminine thing in the world, but it worked for the part, because there was strength there, and it was needed."

Of course, Hollywood can't imagine a world in which people would see a movie starring an athletic, flat-chested woman. So a digital boob job followed.

9. Redbook, July 2007
The crazy thing about the Faith Hill Redbook cover is not that it was Photoshopped — it's that this is the standard amount of digital altering that goes into a cover. Unlike some true Photoshop disasters, there are no alarming mistakes here to tip you off. That makes it easy to accept the retouched image without even blinking. Faith Hill is a beautiful woman. But she needed 11 different kinds of alterations before she could be on the cover of Redbook. What a world.

8. Campari calendar, 2008
Jessica Alba: Just another woman whose real body wasn't good enough. In this case, her waist needed to be nipped in so she could shill liquor.

7. Vogue, May 2008
RoboGwyneth looks like a robot, or an alien, depending on whom you ask. One thing is for sure: Her head and neck are not in the same space-time continuum.

6. Redbook, June 2003
Jennifer Aniston's head was placed on to Jennifer Aniston's body — from another photo shoot. At the time, her publicist, Steven Huvane, said: "It's a combination of three pictures. If you're going to do it, then at least match her head up to her body, and make the neck look like it belongs to her. I still can't figure out which exact picture the face came from." A Redbook spokeswoman downplayed the changes: "The only things that were altered in the cover photo were the color of her shirt and the length of her hair, very slightly, in order to reflect her current length."

The neck does look alarmingly unreal, and her head and waist are out of sync somehow. Angelina is surely to blame.

5.Redbook, July 2003
The month after the Aniston debacle, Redbook was at it again: According to USA Today, "[Julia's] head comes from a paparazzi shot taken at the 2002 People's Choice awards. Her body, meanwhile, is from the Notting Hill movie premiere [in 1999]." Julia's publicist, Marcy Engelman, said, at the time: "It's a shame they didn't use the body that went with the head, because it was a great Giorgio Armani pantsuit (that she wore to the People's Choice awards)."

4. Newsweek, March 2005
The editors used Martha's head and a model's body, because Ms. Stewart was still in jail when the issue was being put together. It wasn't supposed to be a photograph, anyway, it was art: "The piece that we commissioned was intended to show Martha as she would be, not necessarily as she is,'' Lynn Staley, assistant managing editor at Newsweek, told The New York Times. Staley acknowledged that the cover carried a disclaimer: ''In this case, we identified this piece as a photo illustration." As Martha would say, it's a "good thing" you did.

3. Seventeen, May 2003
Think about all the Buffy plots which could have been orchestrated around Sarah Michelle Gellar's weird wrist appendage over there on the left, if her arm actually looked like that.

2. GQ, February 2003.
Some people saw Titanic over and over again — but they never saw those legs, on the left. Kate Winslet was pissed about being trimmed down on this cover, saying:

"The retouching is excessive. I do not look like that and more importantly I don't desire to look like that. I actually have a Polaroid that the photographer gave me on the day of the shoot… I can tell you they've reduced the size of my legs by about a third. For my money it looks pretty good the way it was taken."

1. Ralph Lauren Blue Label ad, October 2009
In which model Filippa Hamilton was turned into a string of spaghetti.

1.) Martha Stewart Vs. Rachael Ray
Last night on Nightline, Cynthia McFadden tried to stir up shit between the two women.

2.) Martha Stewart Vs. Sarah Palin
But on the red carpet this week, Martha didn't need any encouragement to talk shit on Sarah.

3.) Piper Palin Child Beauty Queen
Earlier this week, I joked that Piper Palin was wearing so much makeup for Sarah's interview with Barbara Walters that she practically looked high glitz.

Later that day, Oprah's camera crew went to Wasilla to film the Palin family at home, where Piper was wearing a crown and a sash.

4.) Mother/daughter bonding

5.) The D.E.N.N.I.S. System
It's funny 'cause it's true.

6.) Crap letter from a dude
As featured on True Life: I Can't Leave My Boyfriend. The guy later came back to her apartment when she wasn't home, and stole all of her electronics and her dog.

7.) America's Next Top Amityville Horror
ANTM aired some never-before-seen moments, and I'd rather that this one had stayed unseen.

8.) Drunk idiots
The people on the Real World/Road Rules Challenge get so stupid drunk that they always end up fighting, and subsequently kicked off the show (whichseems to be their sole source of income). Brad started in with Darrell for no reason.

And then Darrell turned Brad into Quasimodo.

9.) Sewing with Nancy
Her awkwardness makes me uncomfortable.

10.) Stomache

Hendricks talked about her wedding, and Joan's vase-smashing-over-the-head moment. Then Martha said: "I must say… I thought you were much older." Awkward!

Next, Martha talked about her days as a model and how she was asked to wear a bikini for no reason.

After that, Martha made a mixed drink, but asked Christina to shake it — at which point the camera focused on Christina's cleavage. Someone in the audience coughed. As I said, the whole thing was strange.

Here's how Gawker's sworn enemy explained her delight in Twitter to Lloyd Grove of the Daily Beast:

"First of all, you don't have to spend any time on it, and, second of all, you reach a lot more people. And I don't have to ‘befriend' and do all that other dippy stuff that they do on Facebook."

Oh god, friendships. Those are almost as bad as actual effort! Which Stewart also loves to avoid:

"With minimal effort-and I really mean it: I spend less than five minutes a day on Twitter-I have been able to garner over 1 million followers in a 4½-month period, with very few tweets, by the way."

By shirking her social networking, Stewart allows herself more time to hang out with media sophisticates like those who host NBC's Today show. That's them laughing uproariously when Martha says everyone in the South loves to "suck on the heads" of shrimp, in the clip above.

That Martha Stewart openly and repeatedly brags about how little effort she puts into her self-promoting, 1-million-follower having Twitter stream really tells you something about why celebrities are drawn to the microblogging service. By not requiring them to "follow" their followers, it allows them to reproduce the one-way broadcast dynamics of old media.

Celebrities who try to get more engaged with the unwashed internet masses on Twitter and the like all too often find the experience unnerving. So the rest just stick with a broadcast model. Which is fine, whatever, but it just goes to show that celebrities on Twitter are more a distraction from the service's genuinely transformative uses than an example of it — and why the startup shouldn't be bending over backwards to placate them.

(Pic: Martha Stewart with Twitter co-founder Biz Stone at the Webby Awards in June. Getty Images.)

Instead, Martha Stewart ambushed the rapper/actor during an ill-fated crafts session, impugning his name and gleefully tugging the "bling" on his ear. Unable to build any rappizzle with Martha, and unable to retreat for cognac as Snoop so cleverly did last fall, Ludacris instead shuffled through his origami indignity with what class and pride remained. Expect a Martha cooling-off period from here, followed by a critical Rice Krispie-treat summit with Lil Wayne sometime this summer. [Martha]

Her definition of frugality veered from that of her magazine staff, however, whose advice to keep a well-stocked pantry didn't necessarily benefit from their boss embellishing, "Oh absolutely—I'm always having Mike the helicopter pilot touch down the Air Martha at Scaglio's Market in Katonah so I can pick up their 40 varieties of homemade pasta." Still, she managed to redeem herself in the following crafts segment, as Making Your Own Money Using Parchment Paper and Homemade Green Food Coloring proved to be a rousing success with audience members looking for a financial leg-up as they struggle to make ends meet.

Thanks to Gawker's Danny Groner for the edit. [Martha]

· A tipster writes: "CAA is no longer validating parking. So if you are there for a meeting before 5pm, you have to pay $35 for parking." Is this true? Let us know.
· Meanwhile, blowing some dude in the bathrooms is still free of charge. (Same as on the Disney lot, too, Green Sweater Guy.)
· Finally—the first 3-D porn is shooting. Good thing you're wearing plastic glasses.
· We love nothing more than some gefilte celebrity: Here's the perfect British movie star, comprising Hugh Grant's hair, Daniel Craig's eyes, Orlando Bloom's nose, and Ewan McGregor's jaw. Result? Um—positively gorgeous!
· NBC finds a captive audience in American Airlines flights.

· "Hello Martha. It's Snoop Dogg. What did you do? Hit me back when you get a moment. Stay sweet."
· "Hey, M.S. It's Snoop Dogg says hi and seein' how you doing. Hollah back. Boo."
· "I would love to hang out with you whenever time permits. I dig your style, M.S. For real, for real. So hit me back when you are free for me. Be sweet and stay [blank blank]. Yours truly, Snoop Dogg."

They then moved on to that time-tested gangsta dick-measuring contest known as comparing posses—his is more physically intimidating, but hers are far better at frothing egg whites—before diving into the potato-mashing task at hand. HuffPo has the video.

• Snoop Dogg And Martha Stewart Laugh, Cook, Compare Posses (VIDEO) [HuffPo]

We have to say, Mimz has never looked better. That shiny hair, that flawless skin, the sparkly cleavage...it's all workin' for her here. Carlos, on the other hand, might be due for a trip to the barber shop. But our favorite moment by far comes when Martha, apparently busy directing a servant-type on how to properly display her bedding, hears the faint sounds of Santana's tunes and ever so slightly flashes a look of perturbed disgust. We already know Martha loves her some vodka, so who'd have thought she wouldn't appreciate some mellow music to wash it down? Finally, the commercial offers viewers the opportunity to see The Donald's Combover up close and too personal. Perhaps he should glide on over to the grooming section after the director yells, "Cut?"

• MACY'S [Official Site]

Whether she's introducing her audience to the magic of whiskey sours, or waxing enthusiastic about her love of vodka to Mer, or simply listing every single drink imaginable to poor perplexed Dave (um, did she really just say "wine spitzer"? We knew she had a funny bone, but among all the Luv Guv-related scandalicious terminology thrust at us from every media outlet we tune in to, that's gotta top our lists), Martha is no longer just the Queen of napkin-folding and flower arrangements. We're hiring her to bartend our next birthday party.

• THE MARTHA STEWART SHOW [Official Site]

After drinking what Martha kindly notes is just foam, Conan begins triple-fisting all sorts of lushy drinks, starting with the beer, taking sips from some kind of rummy concoction, and ultimately drinking Jack straight from the handle. Our favorite moment? The wildly off-kilter Irish jig he breaks into after downing all the samples. Whether or not the drinks on set were merely water dosed in dye, we think Conan should start drinking on the job more often. Those high kicks take him from smartie beanstalk sexy to wild and crazy guy sexy in five seconds flat.

• LATE NIGHT WITH CONAN O'BRIEN [Official Site]

Moments later, a pacified Meredith takes a look at a big ol' bottle of Bombay and announces, "I love the blue bottle!" Aging daytime diva antics aside, look out for an eerie moment when Martha's shaky robotic hand "chills" the martini glass. This is the first time we realized that not everything she touches turns to stone. Make sure to catch the end, when Meredith (are we sure she didn't down at least three of these things before taping?) utterly fails Straining 101, spilling ice cubes all over the set, herself and a visibly perturbed Martha. Shudder.

Still, the tease de résistance came with the prominently bazoomba'd figure in Wilma Flintsone pearls, her face obfuscated by a tantalizing "GUESS WHO?" sign. We were tempted to say Kelly LeBrock, until a story in the margins led us to wonder if their editors weren't perhaps throwing us a distractingly buxom red herring: Lesbian Kirstie Alley? Is that you?

• National Enquirer via Popbytes

And what's an episode of Martha without at least one cringe-worthy celebrity interview moment, such as today's exchange with Jeffrey Dean Morgan, the Weeds and Grey's Anatomy actor who's cornered the market on puppy-eyed, dying and/or deceased love interests to TV's stouthearted anti-heroines. Pressing him for details about "fancy shmancy girlfriend" Mary-Louise Parker, Stewart mistakenly assumes Morgan is the mother of Parker's two children, then presses him to label the parameters of their relationship—which Morgan quickly deflects by reminding her of "the incident." Surely, if Martha had intentionally meant to slice the actress's supple flesh, she could have just as easily butchered Parker into a variety of delicious cuts of meat faster than you could say, "Trump Steaks."

• The Martha Stewart Show