This weekend was a cold one here in the Midwest so instead of going out and braving the weather we decided to hibernate instead, but not before heading out to our local cult video store and grabbing a couple of our all-time favorite classic movies. We got a couple of goodies including: Le Mans, The Great Escape and couple of our significant other's favorite Agatha Christie mystery TV episodes featuring the quirky detective, Hercule Poirot.

After watching a couple of these films we got to thinking about what some of these famous actors would be like if they were celebrities in today's day and age. We contemplated this for a while (mostly while suffering through Agatha Christie's, The Mysterious Affair at Styles) and got to thinking about what some of these celebrities would drive. So, thanks in part to both our boredom and ADHD, we've come up with the list below featuring some of our favorite classic celebrities and what we think they would drive if they were alive today.

Bettie Page	James Dean	Bob Ross
Louis Armstrong	Steve McQueen	Tiny Tim
Lucille Ball	Frank Sinatra	Elvis Presley
Audrey Hepburn	Charlie Chaplin	Marlon Brando
Marilyn Monroe	John Wayne	Bruce Lee
George Burns	Harry Houdini	Vincent Price
Cesar Romero	Agatha Christie	Ray Charles

[inspired by our ADHD and famousdeaddb, clips via YouTube]

Could it be that she missed the orgies? When she spoke to Dateline four years ago, she described her junkie lifestyle as "glamorous":

We checked into the Plaza Athenee with Marlon Brando and Maria Schneider...One night we all smoked opium and hash. I sank into bed, dizzy from the drugs. When I raised my head, a very confusing scene was taking place...Melanie [Griffith], Maria...and a hairdresser were tangled up together. As an added sordid touch, one of the women was apparently menstruating — something I was to young to have experienced myself — and there was a lot of blood.

Along with bloody orgies, it seems part of the "glamour" nose candy can add to your life includes vomiting and shrinking down to a toothpick!

When I got a bit chubby, by Hollywood and Farrah [Fawcett]-comparison standards....I learned that cocaine was good for weight loss...between doing coke and throwing up, the pounds started started melting off me effortlessly. I found that coke made me feel so much better.

Yup, after reading a few of these excerpts, we do have some sympathy for O'Neal and her need to return to the late-night bender excursions in the bright light of summer evening. We can only hope for her sake it isn't that time of the month while she's tapping her anxious foot on that jail cell floor — misty, menstrual blood-colored memories may make that itch even worse.

• SOURCES: TATUM O'NEAL BUSTED FOR COKE & CRACK [NY Post]
• A PAPER LIFE [Google Books]
• TATUM O'NEAL SHARES SURVIVAL STORY [MSNBC]

According to the NY Post, Donna Geon said that Brando's wish was to be cremated and have his ashes spread over LA's Franklin Park, where Marlon's ashes were also laid to rest. In her corner are Rebecca and Teihoto Brando, both half-siblings of Christian's, who've rallied behind Geon in the battle of the body. Without picking sides or jumping to conclusions (we would never!), we have to admit that Team Geon's lawyer has won major points with us just for this quote alone: "They are just being petty, vindictive, small people who border on loony toons." Anyone who references the work of Friz Frelang is fine by us.

• WILD CHRISTIAN BRANDO DEATH SCENE [NY DAILY NEWS]

Borlaza had sought $627,000 — the market value of the Winnetka house — and $2 million in punitive damages.

According to papers filed Dec. 22 in the Brando estate probate case, Borlaza agreed through mediation to settle all claims for $125,000. [...]

Borlaza, who worked for Brando for about 10 years, said Brando had bought her a home as repayment for her services. She also said that Brando had taught her a code he used, so she could distinguish his signature from forgeries, and that the signature on the will was not his true signature.

Despite begrudgingly accepting the low six-figure payoff sum, Borlaza is apparently sticking to her version of events. According to court transcripts, not only did the signature on the revised will not bear the authenticating happy face eyes and smiling mouths inside the "o"s, but the former domestic knew in her heart of hearts that the man she catered to for years would never leave this world having signed a document reading, "I, Marlon Brando, hereby authorize the transfer of my estate to Mike Medavoy and his associates, so that they may develop my Polynesian real estate holdings into Tahiti's premiere tourist theme attraction, Jor-El World, featuring the Waterslide of Solitude™."

• Brando executors to settle aide's suit [LAT]
• Previously: When Life (And Death) Imitates Superhero Art [Defamer]

The NY Daily News' Ben "Gatecrasher" Widdcombe helps us kick off this Black Friday by directing us to the online auction of a letter that corpulent screen legend Marlon Brando dashed off to a young Charlie Sheen, expressing his regret over missing the younger actor's 26th "birthday bash." Brando's disarmingly poetic words of apology follow:

"I'm feeling like a very large turd on a very thin stick. I'm holed up in bed and taking everything from sled dog urine to powdered East Indian vulva-maybe won't work tomorrow if I feel the same. I really feel bad for not showing up at your birthday bash but I really feel shitty and best stay in bed. I don't have much of a selection. I'm sure it will be a kick in the ass and I hate to miss it-Happiest of birthdays to you, Charlie. Love Marlon"

If Sheen himself is behind the auction, we have to assume he's not doing it for the $1,000 reserve price; after all, he's pocketing $350,000 per episode to mumble feeble sitcom punchlines in Jon Cryer's direction in between catnaps. Ridding himself of the letter must be part of one of the various 12-step programs the troubled actor has completed over the years, an attempt to remove a painful reminder of crippling addictions to two substances he suddenly developed in his 26th year, which often resulted in Sheen awakening in the middle of the day, reeking of sled dog urine and with his face caked in powdered vulva, to find that the five pom-pom-wielding cheerleaders he'd hired to service him while in the throes of these new, exotic demons had absconded with his wallet.

[Photo: Lelands.com]

• Lot 520. Letter from Marlon Brando to Charlie Sheen [Lelands.com]
• The godfather of all apologies [Gatecrasher]