Ron Burkle: Our tipster reports: "Ronny Burkle was lurking around the William Rast show last night with his pal Danny A. (Model wrangler extraordinaire who is BFF with Leo DiCaprio. Danny A. is the guy who is mostly responsible for filling Burkle's jet with attractive females.) A cloud of around 15 teenage girls swarmed Justin Timberlake (Rast is his label) as he left the show; I can't imagine Burkle was far behind." Yea, if he looked more dashing he might be able to get away with it. But that ratlike visage just sinks him. Give it up, Burkle.


Bill Clinton: You need to stop hanging out with Ron Burkle first of all, Bill! Even a serious Bill fan who considered the whole blowjob-in-the-Oval-Office thing to be really punk rock has got to admit that the time has come for Bill to retire from skirt chasing. (Not that there's any proof he still is!). Now you can enjoy sleeping with the Secretary of State, Bill. Can we call you Bill?


Steve Bing: Real estate heir, big time developer, Hollywood money man, Burkle and Clinton pal. He's 43 and he fathered a baby with Elizabeth Hurley out of wedlock. And he had another paternity battle with his other ex, who was Kirk Kerkorian's gal! All we're saying here is find a nice lady and settle down for fuck's sake. This Burkle-led triumvirate has spent more than enough time being the old dudes up in the club.


Mario Batali: The portly ginger-haired restaurateur enjoys whizzing around on his moped, wearing Crocs, manipulating salamis, traveling about Spain with Gwyneth Paltrow, and doing who knows what to young lasses in the back rooms of restaurants across Manhattan. We like your Olive Oil Ice Cream dude, but you're almost 50, and we just don't want to think about Mario Batali's sexuality. That's all there is to it really.


Ron Perelman: The bald-headed corporate raider is thrice-divorced, richer than god, and prone to playing the field, as many billionaires are. We don't like your looks, your gruff personality, or your shady PR firm, Perelman. When you next get married, consider very carefully whether you would like to stay married to said lucky woman.


But we do like:

Salman Rushdie: Yes, he could be accused of being a creepy old man, what with his hobbit physique and penchant for dating women absurdly out of his league (you would think, at least). But give the man his props. He writes some bitchin' books. Stares down death threats. Then goes out with Padma and, currently, with Pia Glenn, who we saw in Will Ferrell's Broadway show and, we must say, does one mean dance. So Salman Rushdie can't be put down. He's smarter than all the guys above and cavorts with badder women.

Gwyneth Paltrow was taken to New York's Mount Sinai Hospital Monday for "a little gastrointestinal situation," her pal, chef Mario Batali, told Usmagazine.com.

"It's now been straightened out," he said at the grand opening of The Palazzo Hotel in Las Vegas Thursday. "She's [doing] great."

In three weeks, he said they're going to Majorca, Spain, and then Valencia, Spain, to shoot a PBS cooking show, set to air in October.

We hope that allays your fears: Gwyneth is over her gastrointestinal situation and feeling great, madly in love with husband Chris Martin, having the time of her life raising his two beautiful children, and presently prepping for her trip across Spain where she'll discover that region's culinary traditions with guide and chaperone, Mario Batali. We know you couldn't be happier for her.

• Mario Batali: Why Gwyneth Paltrow Was Hospitalized [usmagazine.com]