1.) Wanda Sykes' Sarah Palin pop-up book

2.) Tyra's "big" holiday give-away show
First of all, she doesn't even give the presents to everyone in the audience, just one audience member per gift. Secondly, she sounds more like she's on the street corner trying to sell us shit that fell off the back of a truck.

3.) These shirts:

4.) Tuna

5.) Same shit, different drunks
I missed the first two episodes of the new season of Bad Girls Club while away on vacation, but I caught the new one that aired this week, and it seems like I didn't miss much.

6.) Extreme Bathrooms
There was actually an hour-long show all about "extreme" bathrooms. I watched the whole thing, because it seemed like a Homer Simpson-y thing to do, but it was basically all like this:

7.) Babs
I don't know if it's all the years on television and all the awards she's received, or the onset of dementia, but it seems like every time she speaks now—about anything—she expects everyone to be fascinated, or at least impressed, with what she's saying.

8.) That's my Mariah!

9.) Mom who grows weed
A woman sold her hair salon and asked her son how she should invest her money, and he bought her a piece of land and turned her into a medical marijuana farmer. She's enjoying it.

10.) Last-minute Christmas gift idea
The Shady Lady brothel has just added male prostitutes to its roster. The madam there is offering coupons.

Earlier: Oprah's Favorite Things 2007: The Audience Freaks Out!

1.) Toes
Tyra had guests this week who get fake toenails put on.

And there were these idiots, who pay $65 a session to have their toes read.

2.) Mariah
She made the talk show rounds. She stumbled on Leno.

Then she went on Larry King Live, where she blinged out his logo.

And then smelled her tits.

Also, Larry serenaded her.

3.) "Where are you?"
Sex Rehab with Dr. Drew premiered this week. One of its cast members, Nicole Narain, was on The Joy Behar Show, where she answered Joy's question a little too literally.

4.) What happens when you slouch in Judge Judy's court.

5.) Cougars
The Insider is taking this taking this cougar thing way too far. Although, I do like the little glimpses of Wasilla townies we get.

Niecy Nash is now literally referred to as "the resident cougar," and for the past two weeks, she's been going on dates with younger men.

Is this supposed to be sexy? Chest stubble and exaggerated nipples?

It reminds me of when Homer got plastic surgery so that Marge wouldn't leave him for a younger man.

And his nipples cried.

6.) Heather from Rock of Love on It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia.
She played a hooker.

7.) Why did Sandals have to ruin a perfectly lovely song?

8.) Jon Gosselin implied that he's on the same professional level as Mary Hart.
And she didn't like it.

9.) Kirstie Alley on her coke days.

10.) Michelle Obama is fun.

Life & Style
"Slim Down Super Fast."
Did you know that if you dance all day instead of working at a desk, you can lose weight? Kelly Osbourne says now that she's on Dancing With The Stars: "I do five hours of rehearsals a day — sometimes even six." Debi Mazar says: "I've lost 11 pounds, and I've noticed my body toning in weird areas — my bra bulge is gone." This six-page extravaganza of peeps who lost weight dancing includes Mya — who was "soft" but is now "toned"; Kathy Ireland, who was "full-figured" but is now "foxy" and model Joanna Krupa, who was "thin" and is now "athletic." Moving on: In a poll titled "Who'd You Want To Be Frisked By?" Jon Hamm wins with 42%! (See image 7). The "cutest Jolie-Pitt pics ever" involve Shiloh buying snacks and making faces. "Perpetually single" Jennifer Aniston found herself in a "sticky situation" because Brad Pitt, John Mayer and Gerard Butler were ALL in New York City AT THE SAME TIME. Imagine that: Being on the same island with all of your exes! And 1.4 million other people! According to handy map provided, John Mayer was downtown in his apartment; Brad was uptown at the Essex House and Gerard ate at a restaurant in Tribeca. DRAMZ. Lastly: "Real" "Housewife" Kim Zolciak would like for America to know that she has never been a stripper: "I'm honest about the fact that I'm dating a married man," she says. "If I'd been a stripper, why wouldn't I tell you?" About her hair, she says: "I have great hair. It's shoulder-length, and it's the same color as most of my wigs. I have naturally black hair, but I bleach it."
Grade: F (runaway bride/missing groom)

In Touch
"I'm Going To Be A Mom."
What she means is: Someday. Nick Cannon and Mariah Carey granted the mag an interview, and when asked if they want a family, she said: "Definitely." He said: "It's at the forefront of our minds. We're very close, but we want to enjoy our first year together." Nick also says that they'd like two kids but "we want to make sure we're ready when the time comes." Mariah has been staying fit by jumping on a trampoline, but she says she wouldn't mind gaining baby weight. "I'd be fine with it," she claims. Oh, and they ask her about turning 40: "Honestly, I never thought I'd live this long." She goes on to explain that she thought she'd die young, like Marilyn Monroe. Oh, Nick says of Eminem: "I don't respect him as a man… He and I need to have an old-school sit down." Moving on: Alongside blurry pictures of the Kardashian wedding, there's news that Lamar Odom's ex, Liza, was so upset about the nuptials that she tossed out thousands of dollars of his possessions from the NY apartment they had shared with their two kids. His kids did not attend the wedding. Neither did Khloe's stepbrother, Brody Jenner, whose girlfriend, Jayde Nicole, is suing Joe Francis, who is BFF with the groom. Next: Jon Gosselin's lawyer spoke to the mag about why Jon delayed the divorce and the guy says: "A divorce, especially for a woman with 8 children, is a very very traumatic thing. But as the mother of his children, [Jon] doesn't want her to have a nervous breakdown." To "win" fans back, Jon and Kate may appear together on Oprah, where they can iron out their differences on national TV. Oh, and a source says Hailey Glassman's parents want her to stay away from Jon. Next: Brad Pitt and Angelina are "purposely" being seen apart in public so that IF they decide to separate, it will come as less of a shock. "They plan to play up the fact that they never really defined their relationship in traditional terms," says a "friend." "They will say when they met, they were on the same page about having children, but neither wanted a life-long partner." Um, okay. He went alone to the Clinton Global Initiative not because she was home with the kids, but because he was making a point about being seen alone. Says a source. Also inside: Britney Spears has reunited with Jason Trawick; they went to a candy store with her kids. He is still her agent, he just can't be in a high-profile relationship right now, an insider says. Lastly: This mag calls out Us magazine for printing a cover story about Jessica Simpson spiraling out of control and finding solace in booze after the disappearance of her dog, Daisy. A friend says: "Of course she's sad about Daisy… but it's so blown out of proportion. She's not drinking excessively."
Grade: D (shitty wedding DJ)

Ok!
"My Dream Wedding."
Khloe sold her wedding snaps to Ok!, and they printed 13 pages of Kardashian pictures and info. How anyone could possibly care is a mystery. Margaret says the most notable thing about the story is that the ceremony was done so quickly that all of the bridesmaids' dresses don't fit properly, and the groom's pants need hemming. (See image 8 and image 9). Kim, whose dress is totally straining and pulling, says: "I was freaking out because I had mine tailored really tight. There was some crazy working out and taking Quick Trim to try and get in shape." Vera Wang is a friend of the Kardashians, and custom-made the bride's dress. Khloe says: "If Vera didn't think our marriage would last, she wouldn't have done it." Next week: Reception photos! Moving on: A source says Brad told Angie that if she got up to 115 pounds by November, he'd "move forward" with child number 7. The story reads: "Angie's been noshing on crepes, omelets. pasta and garlic bread, all prepared lovingly by her partner." A source says: "It's not like Brad's force-feeding her. But he's trying to steer her in the right direction." Kevin Federline wants to lose weight before he joins Celebrity Fit Club. Apparently he blames stress from his unstable custody situation and "Jamie Spears' spicy grilled meats" for his heavy physique. Lastly: Jennifer Aniston had dinner at Monkey Bar in NYC; John Mayer had dinner at Gemma — but pals say he wanted to be sharing a table for two with Jen. "He's been trying to get back into her life," says a friend. "He begged Jen to let him join her on her upcoming trip to Cabo."
Grade: D+ (fallen/broken wedding cake)

Us
"it's Over!"
About a month ago, Justin Timberlake told friends "it's over" with Jessica Biel. He's over it; she's too much to deal with. Except they're always off and on. Anyway, she refuses to accept it, and is pretending nothing's wrong, because "she needs him emotionally and for her career." Says a "pal." But after the VMAs, Justin was "clearly on the hunt." Lindsay Lohan has claimed that she hooked up with Justin several times while he was with Jess, and in June, she Twittered something about him being a cheater. She claimed she'd been hacked, because Justin told his network of people to ban Lindsay and make her life miserable. Apparently when Justin was first getting together with Jess, he visited her on the set of a movie she was making, but wore disguises — beards and hats — so as not to be recognized. JT's cheating rumors include Kate Hudson, Lindsay Lohan and Ciara, though a source says of Lindsay: "Her record of truthfulness is not awesome." The good thing about the "Celebrity Arms Race" is that everybody wins. The bad part? Michelle Obama is a "celebrity." (See image 10). On the "Are They Too Young?" page, we learn that 85% of people think it's okay for a four-year-old to wear a bikini; 48% think a four-year-old is not too young to have a manicure. 76% think Suri is too young to wear heels. (See image 11). Lastly: Raise your hand if you wish you could go inside the Gossip Girl closet!!! (See image 12)
Grade: C- (terrible weather for outdoor ceremony)

Star
"It's On!"
Justin is "pressing" Rihanna to plan another hookup. (They tried to keep their VMA hookup a secret, but Jessica found out within days.) An insider claims: "They like excitement of sneaking around… They got off on keeping it on the down-low." Once, they were alone in the studio late at night working on RiRi's new album, and Justin was joking about strippers — he said she needed to entertain him like that. So Rihanna gave him an impromptu lap dance. "She likes to test the boundaries," says a source. But! RiRi doesn't want to be seen as a boyfriend stealer. She wants it to be publicly out there that JT is single before she commits to him. Anyway, they've been talking and texting, but Rihanna wants to be sure she's not a "lady on the side." Just an FYI on those "exclusive photos": One shows the side of her head and the back of his head; the other shows the back of both of their heads, standing near each other in a crowded club. Not exiting. Moving on: Blind item! "Which singer has rebounded after splitting from his wife by secretly bedding his sexy twenty-something assistant? And no, it's not the one he's been photographed with." Our guess: Usher. Nicole Richie lost 14 pounds in the first seven days after her son Sparrow was born — "and she keeps getting thinner." Wait, are they including the actual infant in those 14 pounds? Anyway: Her secret is "lots of fruit, veggies and fish" and no carbs. The mag says people are "shocked" by her weight. Jennifer Love Hewitt is "scary-skinny." An eyewitness saw her in L.A. and said she looked "frail and drawn" and her face was "achingly thin." Could it be that she's lost her appetite due to love troubles? Lastly: Ashlee Simpson has a crush on her Melrose costar, Colin Egglesfield. They were getting touchy-feely between scenes on September 23 — while Pete Wentz was on tour in Dallas. Ashlee was hugging him and holding his hand and "doing the whole hair flip thing," a spy reveals.
Grade: C (stained bridal gown)

Click "full size" to enlarge.

1.) One Life to Live Does Grey Gardens
During a drunken daydream, one character on the soap imagined life as Edie Beale. They did a musical number, and the Costume of the Day speech, although the accent was way off.

2.) Joan Rivers on Live TV
I love that for her publicity tour for her new reality show, she keeps dropping F bombs on live television.

3.) Police Women Get Stuck With The Vagina Jobs

4.) Moe
Former Jezebel editor Moe Tkacik was on MSNBC on Tuesday morning, where she talked about the economy and possibly got hit on.

5.) Do You Remember the Time?
It was discovered that a 3000-year-old tomb of a mummified woman looks exactly like MJ.

6.) Lesbians Aren't Into Sausage Parties
Zing to you, Gordon Ramsey!

7.) Wasted Housewives of Atlanta
I love how drunk and loving NeNe and Kim got at their "let's be friends again" dinner.

8.) Who Pulled Tiger Woods' Finger?

9.) Do You Wanna Hear Someone From Chicago Pronounce "Coup d'état"?

10.) Why Am I So Obsessed With Her?
Her feigned modesty is one reason.

Page Six reports that Barton's publicist can't even get his gonzo client on the cover of any of the tabloid magazines. What, did OK! have the first pictures of Paz Vega's baby instead?

"As sad as Mischa's recent problems are, what seems to be upsetting her representatives even more is that no one really cares," said the editor

Is that because after the head-shaving, chopper-chasing, ambulance-cramming awesomeness of Britney going bonkers, everything pales in comparison? These are just a handful of the covers that were coming out on a weekly basis in 2007 during Britney's spectacular fall from grace. Just a year later, Heather Locklear barely got any when she started acting nuts.

Running concurrently with Britney during the summer of tabloid gold, Lindsay Lohan was arrested for DUI more than once and was in and out of rehab. She even managed to score the cover of the New York Post and the Daily News on the same day!

Or is it, sadly, that neither of these women are famous enough for their mental condition to warrant our concern? It's probably a combination of that and the lack of a really sensational story, like Anne Heche wandering into people's houses in her underwear babbling about spaceships (remember that?!). See, Mischa, you just didn't go crazy enough.

Regardless of the reason, it looks like Barton is going to have to get on the cover of a tabloid the old fashioned way. You know, by being a good actress, getting knocked up, or having her husband leave her and their eight children to chase floozies around Southhampton with Michael Lohan.

Sample Carey "jabs":

"You're so lame....Ooh boy, why you so obsessed with me? Ohh finally found a girl that you couldn't impress/Last man on the earth/still couldn't get this."

Between MTV's Bruno stunt and Mariah's doppelganger performance, it looks like Eminem has become more participant/victim of celebrity pranks than actually well you know, doing anything.

In case you don't know, the story revolves around an overweight, illiterate teen from Harlem who is pregnant with her second child and invited to enroll in an alternative school.

Newcomer Gabourey Sidibe plays Precious and Mo'nique plays her mother; Paula Patton and Mariah Carey also make appearances. In addition to a spectacular-looking trailer, the design geek in me has to give Lionsgate props for this poster:
…which is powerful and very much like some of the old posters designed by the great Saul Bass.


Precious premiered at Sundance in January and will be shown at the Cannes Film Festival (which started yesterday) but won't make its theatrical release in the U.S. until November (Oscar season!).

Precious Trailer [Trailer Addict]
Precious/Push: Based on the Novel by Sapphire [IMDb]
Related: Precious [Feministing]
Precious Trailer [Women & Hollywood]

We'd really hoped this one would be visiting your neighborhood sooner than later. Alas, Precious, featuring Mariah Carey, Sherri Shepherd, Lenny Kravitz, lauded newcomer Gabourey Sidibe, and Mo'Nique in a career-defining performance as an abusive mother from hell, quietly disappeared this week from its prestigious closing-night slot at New York's New Directors/New Films festival. Sources point to the studio's open-ended legal standoff with Harvey Weinstein as a serious threat to seeing a deglammed, mustachioed Carey back on the big screen any time soon.

It's probably the most significant such drama since 2005, when Fox Searchlight jacked Jason Reitman's Toronto Film Festival hit Thank You For Smoking from the dozing Paramount Vantage. And in any event, it's a 180-degree reversal from Precious's trajectory out of Park City, where news of a big-time deal with Lionsgate, Tyler Perry and Oprah Winfrey accompanied its Grand Jury Prize. That wasn't the only accompaniment, however; The Weinstein Company soon intervened, claiming that they had a deal to release the film domestically. Breach-of-contract suits and countersuits followed — none of which are yet resolved, we hear, indefinitely postponing Precious's appearance anywhere outside Sundance.

Meanwhile, a Lionsgate representative told us this morning that the film is on track for a fall release. Here's hoping; Harvey shouldn't go hogging all the awards-season fun.

• New Directors/New Films

Carey glams it way, way down to play a world-weary case worker that the film's heroine, Precious (Gabourey Sidibe) finally, almost offhandedly reveals her familial abuse to. Her performance is emblematic of the film itself: what could have been a campy stunt (and still might appear to be so in its broadest strokes) is actually weighed down with unexpected gravitas.

Oh, and that faint mustache we told you Carey sports? It's still there, we promise. See it in IMAX! (That is, if Harvey Weinstein ever lets you.)

The Weinstein Company and Lionsgate have now filed suit against each other, with each studio arguing that it came out of Sundance with the rights to distribute the movie. It's like Watchmen all over again, but with inner-city drama instead of blue wangs! Say THR:

"TWC reached a firm agreement for the rights to "Push: Based on the Novel by Sapphire.' Behind their backs Cinetic Media tried to make a better deal with Lionsgate. Lionsgate was well aware of the TWC contract but went forward anyway," said Bert Fields, who along with David Boies is repping TWC. Typically in breach-of-contract cases, a plaintiff would either want the contract honored or, in its place, monetary compensation.

Fields added: "We have just been informed that Lionsgate went to court today in Los Angeles to preempt TWC's lawsuit in New York. This is obvious forum-shopping by a party that knew TWC was going to sue. We will deal with it appropriately."

Then again, the New York Times is arguing that the film is going to be a near-impossible sell anyway. Well, we'll come back to Push's box office potential in just a bit, after we demolish the rest of the claims in this NYT article for being inaccurate and sorta dim.

First, writer Brooks Barnes amusingly makes hay about the fact that Lionsgate originally agreed to talk to him about the film's marketing and then suddenly had to rescind their offer at the last minute. Barnes speculates that happened because the film is so hard to sell that they didn't want to discuss it—uh, we're going to go ahead and say that they pulled out because of the impending Weinstein/Lionsgate clash that some reporting on the matter might have dug up. Bummer to have that story announced today, too, dude!

Oh, but then there's this:

Lionsgate's recent success lies almost entirely in the horror genre, particularly the torture porn franchise "Saw," although it has had some luck in a corner of movies condescendingly referred to by the industry as "urban." The studio, for instance, distributes Tyler Perry's comedies, which have sold about $248 million in tickets over the past four years.

Really, has Lionsgate had "some luck"? Because from where we're standing, it looks like they actually nurtured a major film franchise and locked it down (but maybe it was because their Sagittarius is rising?). Anyway, there are really too many errors in this NYT piece to correct, from the comparison of its fortunes to the barely released Spike Lee bomb Miracle at St. Anna, to the assertion that "the average marketing cost for this type of film is $25 million" (right, because that's what St. Anna had, isn't it?).

Defamer's seen this movie, so let's give you our own perspective: yes, the film is harrowing, but it's also sometimes explosively funny, and it's adept at building and releasing tension at the right times. Also, with the weight of Tyler Perry, Oprah Winfrey, and The View (Sherri Shepherd has a small role) behind it, this film is poised to hit its key money demographic: not black audiences, but women. There's no way this film won't be enormously talked about in the press, and Mo'Nique is a sure frontrunner for the Best Supporting Actress Oscar, which ensures that the film will stay in the public eye long enough to far exceed some industry watchers' expectations.

Also, Mariah Carey has a freaking mustache. Didn't we mention that before?

• Lionsgate, Weinstein Co. tussle over 'Push' [THR]

• Wrenching Film Poses Marketing Challenge [NYT]

This morning on The View, Elisabeth Hasselbeck was all bent out of shape about Phelps' bong hit, giving the tired spiel about how he's a role model and he's setting a bad example, blah blah blah. She went on to claim that since he's willing to use illegal drugs to have a good time, maybe he's open to using illegal drugs to advance his career, as though weed is a gateway drug to steroids or something. Whoopi shot her down pretty quickly, and admitted to enjoying pot.

Elisabeth's argument hinged on the fact that Phelps accepts money to endorse products. One of those is Rosetta Stone, the language-learning software, which is just about one of the most sedentary activities a stoner could enjoy, aside from watching The Wizard of Oz on mute while playing The Dark Side of the Moon. (I should know, since I've been using the program to learn Spanish.) His other sponsors, like Omega and Speedo, totally don't give a shit.

And they shouldn't, because it's silly — in my opinion, anyway — to pass judgment on those who take part in something as innocuous as pot smoking, which many believe is lot less harmful for one's body than alcohol. Besides, despite the fact that it's technically illegal, so many people smoke weed recreationally that it's not all that taboo. Here's a list of celebrities who have either been caught smoking marijuana, or admit willingly to doing so.

Woody Harrelson



Woody is an activist for the legalization of marijuana and hemp.

Willie Nelson



So is Willie Nelson.

Frances McDormand



Frances McDormand was on the cover of High Times in May 2003, in which she said, "I'm a recreational pot-smoker. There has never been enough of a distinction between marijuana and other drugs. It's a human rights issue, a censorship issue, and a choice issue."

Seth Rogen & James Franco



The pair stared in Pineapple Express together, and shared this maybe real/maybe fake joint on stage while presenting an award during the MTV Movie Awards last summer.

Cameron Diaz & Drew Barrymore



Also friends who share.

Justin Timberlake



Timberlake, who used to date Diaz, has been very open about how he smokes weed, sometimes even with is mother. He also admitted that he was stoned out of his mind when he was Punk'd by Ashton Kutcher.

Kimora Lee Simmons



Kimora Lee Simmons took one of the stoniest mugshots after she was arrested in 2004 for possession.

Nicole Richie



Nicole admitted to having smoked pot, as well as taking a Vicodin, when she was arrested for a DUI charge in 2007.

Paris Hilton



Nicole's buddy Paris' reefer madness has been well documented.

Michelle Phillips



Former singer from The Mamas & The Papas said as recently as 2001 that, "Marijuana should definitely be legalized. I think we should let everyone smoke it without fear of being thrown in jail. It's the greatest drug in the world!"

Snoop Dogg



Duh.

Redman



We'll be here all day if we start listing rappers.

Lil Wayne



But we'll mention Wayne for good measure.

Mariah Carey



Mariah is such a goody-two-shoes that she'd never publicly admit to marijuana use, but on her most recent album, she made plenty of weed references.

Charlize Theron



Academy Award winners like their weed, too.

AARP



In the summer of 2005, the American Association of Retired Persons (AARP) hosted a smoke-in to promote the legalization of marijuana. Celebrities that participated: Willie Nelson, Woody Harrelson (obvs), Bette Midler, Santana, Chicago, David Crosby and Graham Nash, Rod Stewart, The New Jefferson Starship, Tony Orlando, Ringo Starr, Tommy Chong, Snoop Dogg, and Robert Downey Jr.

Matthew McConaughey



When McConaughey gets loose, he does so with bongos.

Dionne Warwick



Her work with Burt Bacharach was way too mellow to not be under the influence.

Whitney Houston & Bobby Brown



They've got "Something in Common."

Sarah Silverman



Sarah speaks favorably about weed in her act, and smoked with Doug Benson in his movie Super High Me.

Doug Benson



Comedian Doug Benson has centered much of his career around pot.

Oliver Stone



He has the perfect name for someone who's been busted for pot on numerous occasions.

Dawn Wells



Mary Ann from Gilligan's Island was arrested last year for possession.

Dave Chappelle

The Pointer Sisters



Oliver Hudson tells a story about his first concert-going experience, during which the Pointer Sisters were getting blazed.

Paul Dinello



It's hard to watch this Strangers With Candy clip about smoking pot without thinking that writer/actor Paul Dinello believes what he is saying.

Barbra Streisand



In a 1972 Rolling Stone interview, Babs said, "I'd take out a joint and light it. First, just faking it. Then I started lighting live joints, passing them around to the band, you know. I was great, it relieved all my tensions. And I ended up with the greatest supply of grass ever. Other acts up and down the Strip heard about what I was doing - Little Anthony and the Imperials, people like that - and started sending me the best dope in the world. I never ran out."

Phelps Backed by Sponsors After Marijuana Photo [TCPalm]
Elisabeth Hasselbeck disses Michael Phelps; Whoopi Goldberg: 'I have smoked weed' [EW]

For a festival that too often programs films about young white boys sensitively coming of age or middle-class families dealing with grief, Push (not to be confused with the telekinetic Dakota Fanning movie) is almost bracingly exotic. It's the story of an overweight black teenager in Harlem named Precious (newcomer Gabourey Sidibe) who's already pregnant with her second child as a result of her father's sexual abuse, a predicament her vicious mother (Mo'Nique) has done nothing to put a stop to and may even be jealous of.

In short, Push has nothing in common with some of the twee indie films that often break out here—except that it has broken out, quickly becoming one of the festival's most buzzed-about movies. It's wild, comedic, and audacious, and it's directed by Lee Daniels, whose previous film Shadowboxer featured a full-frontal Stephen Dorff (not to mention Cuba Gooding Jr. graphically screwing stepmom Helen Mirren). Daniels is clearly no shrinking violet and neither is his film, but Sapphire's source novel provides a dramatic underpinning that keeps the camp from spinning out of control.

Need an example? The shadowy upper-lipped Carey gives one of the film's least campy performances as a weary, makeup-free social worker. For someone who regularly bathes in Cristal, who even knew that Carey still had it in her to play a real person? Daniels delights in taking glammed-up stars and toning them way, way down—we may have recognized the near-unrecognizable Carey and Lenny Kravitz before the audience started whispering, "Is that them?" but we were stymied when Sherri Shepherd still hadn't appeared by the end of the film. Then, with a shock, we realized that she'd been playing one of the small supporting characters the whole time and we hadn't realized it—and we study her for a living!

We'll see what the festival (and hopefully America) will make of Push soon—though we can't wait for the sure-to-be-clueless reception it will get from the older, straight white men who make up the critical fleet here. "I don't know whether anyone will say this out loud, but this is a very, very Black movie," wrote a tentative David Poland. It doesn't need to be said; the film sings like a Harlem gospel choir on LSD.

Among films, Doubt leads the SAG field with five nominations for Meryl Streep, Philip Seymour Hoffman, Amy Adams, Viola Davis and for the ensemble performance as a whole. Benjamin Button and Milk picked up ensemble noms of their own, with Brad Pitt and Sean Penn recognized in the Best Actor category and Taraji P. Henson and Josh Brolin singled out for their supporting roles.

Elsewhere: Robert Downey Jr. and/or Slumdog Millionaire's Dev Patel usurped the Supporting Actor nomination that Michael Sheen should have earned for Frost/Nixon, though the latter film did draw an Ensemble nod, which it still won't win, especially against Doubt. 30 Rock, The Closer, Mad Men Boston Legal and John Adams accrued three nominations apiece on the TV side, with awards-season regulars Glenn Close, David Duchovny, Jeremy Piven and Recount making appearances as well.

Back at the Academy, the year's Best Original Song candidates were pared down to just over four dozen — nearly a quarter of which came from High School Musical 3, virtually assuring it representation (and a performance ZOMG!!!) on Oscar night. They're joined most notably by fellow frontrunners Mariah Carey (Tennessee), Miley Cyrus (Bolt), Clint Eastwood (Gran Torino) and Bruce Springsteen (The Wrestler), with Bond theme-mates Jack White and Alicia Keys on the outside looking in. Tough year, tough break, you two.

• 2009 SAG Scorecard [The Envelope]

• 
  49 Songs Eligible For Oscars [IW]

Nor can we, despite the low odds for Carey to pull a Grobanesque showstopper that the Oscarcast most certainly needs. Her reasoning is much purer, however, not so unlike the dulcet tones of her awards-hopeful and the heart-squeezing, Willie Nelson-aided sincerity at its core:

The song, says Carey, is from the perspective of her Tennessee character Krystal, an aspiring singer. "The song has its own arc," Carey said. "She begins by telling us where she started, like she lays in bed and wonders where she left herself. A lot of people go through that sort of thing. It’s kind of about empowerment."

Don't be modest, Mariah! Only the chosen few lay in bed the morning after Glitter's premiere, wondering if anyone will let them near a script again. But that's the Oscars' Best Song category — the culmination of pimp fantasias, street-musician moxie and, in 2008, Mariah Carey laying waste to Miley Cyrus. Dreams do come true here.

• Mariah Carey Enters Oscar Race [LAT]

Us
"The Style Issue." The mag conducted a photo shoot and interview with Hilary Duff, Lauren Conrad and Taylor Swift. Five pages of these ladies talking about clothes. Yawn. Lauren says, "I've thrown out stuff after seeing my own photos." And: "I'm always trying to hide my thighs." Intern Margaret deems the cover story "stupid and boring." Next: As previously reported, Kirsten Dunst's teeth look very different on the cover of Bazaar than they do in real life (Fig. 1). Lastly, there's a picture of Shenae Grimes from 90210 carrying food (watermelon, grapes and a styrofoam take-out container) — maybe to counter the previous "too thin" story?
Grade: F (flagellation)


OK!
"Untold Love Story." How, exactly, is Lindsay's story "untold"??? Anyway: The article is all old stuff about her relationship with Sam Ronson, but one new thing we learned: A source says "[Lindsay] recently bought Samantha a Red Bull, kissing her on the forehead and mouthing, 'I love you.'" Also inside: Is Demi Moore expecting? She went to a restaurant with Ashton Kutcher and ordered a non-alcoholic beer. There are baby pictures of Muhammad Ali's grandchild, Curtis Muhammed Conway Jr. Mom is Layla Ali, dad is a retired NFL star.
Grade: F (flogging)


Life & Style
"Hollywood's Baby Boom!" So the magazine actually printed this sentence: "First came marriage — and now comes the baby carriage for Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon." A random source who saw Mariah at the airport says, "Mariah looked great, but she seemed to have put on a few pounds. Maybe she's pregnant — or at least planning on it!" Next up: Seven pictures of Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel on vacation Italy, including one seriously creepy nighttime picture where the paparazzo was clearly stalking them during an intimate moment. A story called "Wild Hot Nights With Michael Phelps" insinuates that he's dating Doree Walker, a 34-year-old former Miss Alabama, or Amber Peterson, of Sunset Tan (as seen on E!). Or Stephanie Rice, or Amanda Beard. Lastly: Drew Barrymore made out with Gossip Girl's Ed Westwick, but she's not exclusive with anyone. An insider says "She just wants a man and grabbed the young, hot one." Another source says: "She has a new tongue piercing and wanted to try it out."
Grade: D (cutting)


In Touch
"Jen's Had Lipo!" The headline of this story asks "Why Would Skinny Jen Have Lipo?" Intern Margaret says, "Maybe because you keep printing pictures of her in a bikini?" Basically a source says Jen had LipoDissolve on her butt and thighs, a procedure Britney Spears also reportedly had. It's an injection that removes unwanted fat, and because it's non-invasive, there's little recovery time. It's made from organic human compound, which sounds gross. Oh, and remember Jen's old nose? (Fig. 2) Also inside: More pictures of Jessica and Justin in Italy. Megan Fox may have spent $26,500 on her appearance: Nose job, lip injections and breast implants. Next: Angelina, Brad and the brood have moved to a 30,000 square foot mansion in Palais Schlosspark outside of Berlin with a private helicopter pad, which allows Brad to shuttle back and forth to the nearby set of Inglorious Bastards. Wolfgang Puck's restaurant CUT is decorated with celebrity portraits, and Heidi and Spencer now have their photographs hanging on the wall. Even though Tom Cruise loves to eat there, his picture isn't up. Meanwhile these dead-eyed portraits of Speidi will make anyone lose their appetite (Fig. 3). Jamie Lynn Spears is alone and Casey is sleeping on a friend's couch. Lastly: Lance Bass says, "It's scary for someone to come out because they know it will hurt their career — even now." In a sidebar called "Stars Go Public For Different Reasons," Lindsay and Sam join Clay Aiken, Ellen and Portia, Neal Patrick Harris and T.R. Knight in a gallery of gays.
Grade: C (spanking)


Star
"Angie Forced Into Therapy!" How does Angelina have the time to nurse newborn twins, take care of the other kids and move to Berlin and talk to a therapist? The mag says: "Angie started seeing the doctor daily for short power sessions, and has continued to get help via phone and web cam." Ah. The mag also says Brad "put her in therapy." Angelina thinks she's fat and barely touches her food. She's reluctant to be seen in public because although she's lost some baby weight she still hates her stomach. And she won't have sex with Brad because she doesn't want him to see her naked. Moving on: Someone yelled out "Prince" upon seeing Rihanna in London. Blind item: "What sexy actress has been anything but angelic on the set of her new TV show? Her costars are fuming after the dirty diva demanded more screen time and a bigger trailer." Chris Klein is losing his hair. Jennifer Aniston is in Mexico to hatch a plot to revive her lovelife, and her plan involves Leonardo DiCaprio. Leo had an Emmy party at his house and Jen was there; she brought beer and did an impersonation of George Clooney. A source says, "It was obvious she was in full-on cougar mode!" Next: Britney and Kevin hooked up several times at the Mondrian Hotel. Taylor Momsen, Katrina Bowden and Lindsay Lohan are "wasting away" (Fig 4). Mad Men's Jon Hamm had a troubled childhood; he was 2 years old when his parents got divorced. He lived with his mom, but she died when he was 10. Then he moved in with his dad and had problems with that. He says, "I spent most of my time sponging food from my friend's families and sleeping in their basements." He lives with his girlfriend, whom he's been dating for 10 years, but says: "I don't necessarily want kids. I don't know if it's for me. I think when people come from a stable family, having children becomes a celebration — and I'm not sure it would be that way for me." Also: Mary-Kate and Ashley both have boyfriends and the dudes hate each other. Lastly: There's a story called "Girls Gone Mild: Booze, Drugs, Sex Tapes — What Ever Happened To Those Good Ol' Days? These Hollywood Starlets Have Replaced Debauchery & Mayhem With Daycare & Monogamy!" and it features Nicole Richie, Christina Aguilera, Ashlee Simpson and more.
Grade: C+ (sitting in the corner with a dunce cap)


Fig. 1

Fig. 2

Fig. 3

Fig. 4

First of all, you would have think they've gotten the technique down by now. I mean, we can land a man on the moon, but we can't do a subtle-yet-miraculous Photoshop job? In fact, we probably can. It's just that the people working at fashion magazines are so divorced from reality that they're not even sure what a good/bad/reasonable Photoshop job/human body is even supposed to look like anymore.

Secondly, one might think that women's magazines would be more aware that their audience is on to them by now—if only because a variety of blogs, including this one, now run Photoshop hatchet jobs as a matter of course. Their audiences may not have any control over the images they're fed, but they can at least comment and call attention to their mistakes in a large forum.

("I didn't know nothin', I was stupid, I was foolish, I was lying to myself..."-Mariah Carey)

Just a few weeks ago, EW chose to accompany a Q&A with Angelina Jolie with a very, very close close-up of what we previously considered one of the most gorgeous faces in Hollywood. But the mag's effort to showcase Jolie the actress, rather than Jolie the pregnant actress, resulted in the very first photo to make her infamous lips look unsavory. And Scarlett Johansson suffered a similar fate on the cover of artsy mag Paste, turning her trademark chest away from the camera and posing like an effervescent candidate for the role of E.T.'s girlfriend in E.T. 2: Sex And The Extra-Terrestrial.

Maxim somehow thought Jessica Simpson looked sexiest with a frumpy 50s housewife hairdo on a cover from last year, while Vogue recently photoshopped the hell out of Gwyneth Paltrow's head, essentially decapitating her in one swift crop. Sarah Jessica Parker fell victim to the cooking and cleaning obsessives in aprons over at Good Housekeeping, reverting to her frizzy-haired, good makeup-challenged self from the early 90s.

Mariah Carey's attempt to look soft and angelic backfired on this Allure cover, where the queen diva appears washed out, completely devoid of her naturally tawny skin. Back in the heady days of Lindsay Lohan comeback covers, Maxim tricked the then-straight star out in a very cleavage-y, feisty spread, but Lohan's sullen facial expression suggest a dire need to strip off the ridiculous Victorian outfits and down the nearest bottle of perfume. And then there's poor Fergie, who apparently provided an outlet for one very miserable Cosmopolitan eyebrow plucker's rage.

[Photo credits: Go Fug Yourself, Jezebel, We Heart Angelina]

• .666 AVERAGE [NYP]

The Fake-Outs: Mid-2007, before Britney was deemed an American Tragedy, she was on her way by tragically dating the poor man's David Blaine, Criss Angel. And photos of her blonde-weaved sunglasses-at-night self wearing a sparkler set the Britney-hungry gossips ablaze, only to disappoint us when no marriage plans surfaced. Another Bimbo Summit alum, Lindsay Lohan, was rumored to be on the soberific path towards married life with then-beau Harry Morton in 2006 after showing up to a premiere purposely placing a ring-adorned hand on her hip. But we all know how that union turned out. And the most recent and admittedly exciting engagement rumors were sparked after photographs of Kate Hudson wearing a real-life wedding band surfaced just as gossip started spreading that she and Owen Wilson were back on. But a major "D'oh!" was heard loud and clear after realizing Kate was filming this flick called Bride Wars and merely in character.

The Real Things: Beyonce Knowles started wearing massive diamonds on all her fingers ever since she could afford them, but the one she wore this January while sitting next to Jay-Z at a concert ended up being the engagement variety after all. And just days after being photographed candidly in her car with a new rock, Jessica Alba confirmed her engagement to the confusing man of mystery that is Cash Warren. As for Mariah Carey, poor girl sparked engagement rumors by publicly showing off her ring from Nick Cannon, only to learn soon after the actual wedding that it was recycled. Oops.

[Photo Credits: Fametastic, Showbiz Spy, Female First, Babble, Stupid Celebrities, Hollyscoop, Daily Mail]

• NOW CAMERON DIAZ FUELS ENGAGEMENT RUMORS AS SHE FLASHES HUGE SPARKLER ON HER WEDDING FINGER [Daily Mail]

Us
This cover, showing a beaming Michelle and Barack Obama emblazoned with the words "Why Barack Loves Her," is perhaps part of the subtle image makeover we referred to earlier. Us seems very concerned with portraying the clearly awesome Michelle as a non-threatening soccer mom, and more importantly, differentiating her from Hillary. Says a friend: "[Michelle] is not the least bit interested in being a co-president or participating in policy decisions…Her first priority as a first lady would be that the girls are OK, and to continue to be the outstanding mother that she is." We always go straight to Us for astute political coverage. In other news, Hollywood wags think Katherine Heigl's career will be fine despite her ankling the Emmys. Pam Anderson and Tommy Lee are back together for the umpteenth time. They're like Bobby and Whitney but with exponentially more body modification. Finally, here's some news for all the hipsters out there: supermodel Helena Christensen has been "cozying up" to Interpol lead singer Paul Banks for over six months!
Grade: C (a timeshare in Cleveland)
In Touch
Rut roh! Angelina and Brad's CRISIS AT HOME in huge pink letters! They have a lot of babies, it's exhausting, it's possibly pulling them apart, and so on, and so forth. The only good part of this four page spread is the sidebar where Dr. Drew gives Angelina the business about her whole Mother Theresa routine. "I've never seen anyone remit heroin completely," Dr. Drew said. "Is she in recovery? If she's in recovery, I don't seen any evidence of it, because people in recovery invest themselves in simple, selfless acts of service, not global self-serving acts." Burn!!! On to matters of life and death: Did Mariah Carey have plastic surgery? Survey says: Probs. Her yo-yo dieting is well known and after her most recent weight loss, she has mysterious, Tara Reid-reminiscent ripples on her tummy. The liposuction of Mimi! Bret Michaels bonded with Sherri Shepherd when he went on The View because they both have diabeetus, but he wants to do it with Elisabeth Hasselbeck. "Barbara Walters was pretty hot," Bret admitted, "but Elisabeth Hasslebeck and me, I'm just telling her, if her husband ever falls out of the picture…" Scariest tabloid news of the week: Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt spent $10,000 on guns because Spencer wants to be "prepared for anything." Can't wait for the Branch Davidianish FBI raid on the Speidi compound…
Grade: C+ (an unheated shack on the coast of Maine)
Star
More Brangelina business. Angie has panic attacks due to the stress of her pregnancy and Shiloh's terrible twos. Apparently she's worried about how she's going to handle "two more needy little ones in an already chaotic household." Uh, probably with the army of nannies she already employs. Miley Cyrus reportedly gets thousands of love letters from prisoners, "who claim they've taped her picture up in their cells." Creepy to the max!! Was Matthew McConaughey macking on strange ladies during a recent trip to Nicaragua while his super-pregs girlfriend Camilla Alves languished at home? If the photos are any indication (see Fig. A below), the answer is yes. An amused onlooker tells Star, "He grabbed the DJ's microphone, crawled onto a table and screamed 'I lost my flip-flops!' in broken Spanish!" Britney and Jamie Lynn are none too pleased about mom Lynne's forthcoming memoir, Through The Storm: A Real Story of Fame and Family in a Tabloid World, which includes such revelations as Britney bit her nails as a kid. Shocking! And lastly, Jen wants boyfriend of thirty seconds John Mayer to marry her, but he's not down. Hmm, sounds dubious.
Grade: D+ (a metal trailer in Death Valley)
Ok!
Jeebus. Even more Angelina news. This time she's not stressed. In fact, she's so into all her babies, Ok! says, she's looking to adopt another boy. She'll get the lucky young tyke from the same Ethiopian orphanage where she found wee Zahara. Ange wants to "balance the races" in her household and since Maddox has Pax, now it's "Z's turn." Speaking of babies, Britney will charter a jet to Kentwood, Louisiana, the second lil' sis Jamie goes into labor. There are rumblings that Prince William and on-again, off-again flame Kate Middleton will be married next summer. Why did Anne Hathaway stay with scuzzy Raffaello Follieri for so long? Because he's a baaaad boy, of course. "[Women] believe that if we are wonderful enough, beautiful enough or sexy enough, we will cure them of their bad ways, and make ourselves all the more beautiful," Dr. Jenn Berman tells Ok!. Ugh. In other douche-dating news, David Spade says "girls date me because I'm normal." Good to know.
Grade: D- (a motel room on Three Mile Island)


Life & Style
Just when you thought she was getting better, L&S dredges up some old dirt: Britney tried to off herself twice, says a new book. Ian Halperin, an investigative journalist who is writing a bio of Brit tells L&S, "I can't divulge too much, but I will say the suicide attempts are true. I know all the details of both of them>" The book is also about how "sleazy and destructive" her handlers were, and how Britney is obsessed with Marilyn Monroe's tragic fate. The formerly self-destructive Nicole Richie is "back to her old ways" and is losing weight. She and Joel madden are fighting a lot and she's stressed out by baby Harlow. Unlike Nicole Richie, another Nicole (Kidman) is trying to gain weight. She thinks her baby bump is too small and wishes it were bigger. She also wishes that her jugs were bigger. Are Mariah and Nick already on the rocks? "I give the marriage six months, tops," says an insider.
Grade: D- (a teepee in Chernobyl)
Fig. A: