Harden told us that Page stayed in character during much of the shoot, even when they would try to crack her up by singing Whitney Houston songs. “Ellen’s a serious girl,” she said. “She’s an absolute doll, but she’s a serious doll.”

“She’s really nice,” said Eulala Scheel, Harden’s ten-year-old daughter who plays Ellen’s sister in the film. “But she’s hard to be around, because she really likes to eat healthy, so I wouldn’t know what I could eat in front of her at craft services. She doesn’t laugh a lot. But one day I had my hair up in spikes, and that was funny, so she laughed at that.”

So the girl's deadpan — so what? You'd clam up too if you had Marcia Gay Harden constantly thrusting a sloppy joe from craft services into your hand with the commandment, "Hamburger phone scene. Take it from 'It's not a food baby.' Go!"

• Eve And Ellen Page ‘Whip It’ For Drew Barrymore’s Roller Derby Pic [MTV]

In the video above, featured modestly on the Christmas Cottage Web site, Kinkade promises an autobiographical family classic featuring Peter O'Toole, Marcia Gay Harden and Jared Paladecki, and which holds its own against It's a Wonderful Life. Bold claims all, especially considering Cottage went straight to DVD. Still, considering the explicit directions excerpted here, what could possibly go wrong? Apart from the Kubrick references, that is:

3) Create classic compositions. [...] Utilize traditional eye levels for setting the shot — that is, no high vantage points, off-kilter vantage points, or "worms eye view" vantage points. Generally focus on a standing adults viewpoint of the scene at hand.

4) Awareness of edges. Create an overall sense of soft edges, strive for a Barry Lyndon look. Star filters used sparingly, but an overall "gauzy" look preferable to hard edge realism. [...]

6) Hidden details whenever possible, References to my children (from youngest to oldest as follows): Evie, Winsor, Chandler and Merritt. References to my anniversary date, the number 52, the number 82, and the number 5282 (for fun, notice how many times this appears in my major published works). Hidden N's throughout — preferably thirty N's, commemorating one N for each year since the events happened.

16) Most important concept of all — THE CONCEPT OF LOVE. Perhaps we could make large posters that simply say "Love this movie" and post them about.

Yes, lets! Just above the pull quote from cinematography great Ellen Kuras, who tells VF that Kincade's definition of "cozy" imagery sounds like "a prescription for a bad ’60s porn movie." But that hardly seems fair — even '60s porn screened in movie theaters before disappearing forever into video oblivion.

• Article NameThomas Kincade's 16 Guidelines for Making Stuff Suck [VF]

So yes, we highly doubt anyone will be rushing to the theaters next year in some kind of SATC or Devil Wears Prada estrogen frenzy to see Page's uninspiring fashions, but two primary reasons why we think news like that is just grand, come to mind:

1) Early details about Barrymore's first crack at the director's chair reveal character names like Dinah Might, Bloody Holly, and Malice In Wonderland. Which would otherwise be somewhat tacky little gimmicks were it not for (we suspect) Drew's uncanny talent for making any sappy, giggly, poorly written chick flick watchable, and the fact that Juliette Lewis, Marcia Gay Harden and Defamer favorite Kristen Wiig are all co-starring.

2) Nobody likes an estrogen frenzy.

So if Page remains determined to straddle the fine line between bi-curious and going incognito while on the DL using the most unnoticeable boy's clothes to disguise herself, we should really be thanking the bison-fan for preventing yet another endless cluster of pink Manofaux Blahniks crowd our sidewalks every weekend.

[Photo credits: INF]

• ELLEN PAGE WHIPS IT GOOD [Just Jared]