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Malibu quickly turned into Coolsville, as soon as the world’s number one cool guy John Cusack returned from a stint up in the great white north. One Malibu resident was excited about Cusack’s return to the sleepy beach city. The resident said, “It’s not that we lost our cool status. It’s just we weren’t as cool as we usually are. Now with Mr. Coolsack back in town, we’re about cool as a polar bear. Boosh!”

[Photo Credit: X17]

*A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

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There comes a time in every big screen comedy movement to grow a bit and embrace its oncoming adulthood. To wit, frat pack pledge master Seth Rogen was spotted buying light beer at a Malibu grocery store on Sunday. When asked about his decision to go with the light beer, Rogen shrugged his shoulders and said that he’s at a point where he has to watch his weight and switching over to the lighter brews seemed like a good way to get started. Rogen said, “The beer pong tournaments are beginning to take a toll as well. It’s like two or four rounds and then I’m done. Maybe a lighter drink will help me out.”

[Photo Credit: X17]

*A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

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An ectoplasmic life form in the shape of one time musician Courtney Love terrorized a local Malibu strip mall on Tuesday afternoon. The grunge icon floated from boutique to boutique, leaving behind a trail of fine green viscous goo while on a mission to find a pair of killer boots and jeans. Shelley Jones, an unsuspecting customer, was harassed by the malevolent force and wasn’t too happy about it. Jones said, “I’m trying on these jeans and I’m partially dressed when out of nowhere Courtney Love’s torso pops through the side of the dressing room mumbling something about a size 4 jeans. I didn’t know what to do. I tried to call for help, but what kind of help are you going to get at a snotty boutique?”

[Photo Credit: X17]

*A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

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The waves of Malibu apparently weren't too kind to hunky actor Matthew McConaughey over the weekend. The Fool's Gold star seemed rather honest about his lackluster surfing performance in the famed Pacific Ocean. McConaughey said, "I could say that I wasn't feeling the vibes because I wasn't feeling the ocean breeze bouncing off my pectorals, or I could say that I saw a dolphin and I got a bit scared that it was going to go after my driving paw. That wasn't it though. I was just no good out there. That, and there were too many people." McConaughey seemed frustrated by the amount of people hogging all the of the waves and wished that the politicians would fix the global warming problem soon. McConaughey added, "It should be cold in September. Or, at least chilly, you know?"

[Photo Credit: X17]

*A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

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While the Labor Day holiday traditionally spells the end of summertime, Christina Ricci believes otherwise. Ricci, along with her Speed Racer co-star/boyfriend Kick Gurry, took full advantage of the empty beaches of Malibu on Tuesday afternoon. In between tanning sessions and delightful romps through the surf, Ricci said, "It's the perfect time for a beach trip. No kids. No teens. No tourists. I'd be so depressed if I had to spend my day trapped in an office with weather like this. It's amazing!."

[Photo Credit: INF Daily]

*A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

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Righteous Kill star Al Pacino spent a majority of his Labor Day weekend camping out to be the first line for the annual Malibu chili cook off. Attending the cook off has become an essential part of Pacino's transition from the summer to the fall. Pacino said, "I spend all day basking in the cool breeze off the Pacific Ocean while enjoying some of the finest chili Malibu has to offer. Did you know that James Brolin makes a terrific chili? He does. Talk about your 'hooo-aaaah' moments. Must be the cumin."

[Photo Credit: Splash Pics]

*A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

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An irate Malibu resident objected to iconic actor Dustin Hoffman's choice of t-shirt over the weekend. The woman didn't believe that the term "fruitcake" accurately described Hoffman and his career. The woman said, "You're not a fruitcake, Mr. Hoffman. You're a legend. A national treasure. Now, my sister who lives in Florida, she's the fruitcake. No kids, but she's got a spare room full of those little Hummel figurines and distressed Pepsi bottles. I mean, old Pepsi bottles as far as the eyes can see. Who does that?" Hoffman was sorry to hear about the woman's sister and explained that it was a gag shirt. The woman then told the Tootsie star that she understands the role of the gag shirt in society, but that Hoffman shouldn't be stooping to that level.

[Photo Credit: X17]

*A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

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Looking to recover from his recent split with actress Isabel Lucas, Adrian Grenier headed to the beaches of Malibu with his trusty acoustic guitar. A gaggle of women quickly circled around the hunky environmentalist as he began to bear his soul with some recently penned tunes. One woman was really impressed by the songs and suggested that he pursue his music for awhile. Grenier told the woman that he had weighed his options numerous times and is "thisclose" to hanging it all up and just riding the rails with a song in his heart. The woman replied, "That's so deep."

[Photo Credit: Splash Pics]

*A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

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Jeremy Piven most certainly felt the burn while jogging in Malibu on Monday afternoon. The Smokin' Aces star reportedly began to cramp up somewhere between mile two and three and attempted to walk it off. Piven slowly walked down the street, hoping that a car full of co-eds from near by Pepperdine University would come by and offer a ride back to his place. Alas, they never did, and Piven was forced to walk hands-on-hips all the way back to his place.

[Photo Credit: Flynet]

*A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

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Like every other celebrity, Everybody Loves Raymond star Ray Romano spent his Fourth of July weekend in Malibu, California. However, the TV funny man decided to catch some sweet waves instead of partying. Romano felt it'd be more beneficial to his overall well-being to go into the ocean as opposed to having to make small talk with Nicole Richie at a beach party.

[Photo Credit: X17 Online]

*A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

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Long time BFFs Lance Armstrong and Matthew McConaughey reunited on Wednesday afternoon for a run in MQLIGU. Armstrong lovingly gushed about his relationship with Kate Hudson for a majority of their jog. McConaughey was surprised to hear that Armstrong had already met Hudson's mother. McConaughey has yet to met Goldie Hawn after doing two films with Hudson. Armstrong asked his good buddy for some advice on how to handle things with Hudson, but McConaughey quickly changed the subject. McConaughey wanted to know if Armstrong had seen his flip flops. McConaughey has felt his entire vibe has been completely out of sync ever since he lost his favorite pair of sandals.

[Photo Credit: X17]

*A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

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P.C.U. star Jeremy Piven thought the beach in Malibu was the place to be this summer, but the beaches appeared to be as empty as theaters showing The Love Guru. Piven skipped some stones into the ocean and attempted to build a sand castle before looking for his fellow beach bums. The popular actor caught up with a bronzed beach bum who was hiking up a flight stairs and asked where was everybody was. The bum said, "For starters, it's a Wednesday morning. Everybody's probably at work or just waking up. They're not all blessed like you and me with the ability to play volleyball or just hang out and drink beer and watch the sun fall behind the horizon line. You want to go in together on a case of Pacifico? Dos Equis?"

[Photo Credit: X17]

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Actor/King of Malibu Mel Gibson expressed his dismay with escalating gas prices while filling up in the 'Bu yesterday afternoon. Gibson asked the gentleman at the pump across from him if he knew why the prices are so high and the man blurted out, "Cause Bush is a dick." Gibson shook his head and muttered, "No, that can't be it."

[Photo Credit: X17]

Why are you on the run, Iceman? Was your impromptu concert at the Malibu Starbucks interrupted by yawns, highflying Caramel Macchiatos and Gary Busey insisting that he should join in with a ham bone solo and a spiritual chant?

[Photo Credit: X17]

• KABC 7 [abclocal.go.com/kabc]

If we had to pinpoint the exact moment of the briefing in which Schwarzenegger won our devotion, it would be when he crumpled up a scripted statement about how he planned to "terminate" the wildfires and, somewhat nonsensically, "crush them, see them driven before me, and hear the lamentations of their women," realizing that we no longer need to be reminded of his glorious Hollywood past to follow his lead, just hear honest, direct, and calmingly monotone words letting us know he's got things under control. By the time he stepped away from that podium, we were prepared to hop in our car, race to Carbon Beach, and spend the rest of the day standing atop David Geffen's 3,000 square-foot poolhouse with a garden hose, ready to beat back any flames threatening to consume his compound. That's the mark of a born leader.

We'll meet the rest of you there once you finish watching the video.

• KABC 7 [abclocal.go.com/kabc]

"The word gentrification is used when wealthy people move into a new neighborhood and fix it up," said Richard Riordan, the former Los Angeles mayor whose mansion on Carbon Beach is steps away from the weekend homes of Terry Semel, the chief executive of Yahoo, and Jeffrey Katzenberg, a movie executive and a friend of Mr. Geffen's. "But when it is billionaires taking over from multimillionaires, I'm not sure what you call that."

.

Friends of Mr. Geffen and Mr. Ellison said that each man wanted to create a resort they might frequent themselves, in a seaside colony that was the birthplace of California surf culture and more recently has been a weekend retreat for Hollywood power brokers. Twenty-five miles from Beverly Hills, moguls stroll the white sand along Carbon Beach and sometimes gather at "Dealmakers' Rock," an outcropping where movie deals are said to have been made.

The horrors of a supergentrified Malibu are almost too unspeakable to contemplate: stretched to their financial limits of skyrocketing housing costs, poorer millionaires will be forced to pick up side work swabbing the deck on Geffen and Ellison's shared yacht, bussing the billionaires' tables at their new resorts, or quietly assassinating interlopers strolling along the semipublic stretch of Carbon Beach Geffen pretended to concede to the Coastal Commission back in February. Faced with such myriad indignities, industry social climbers may decide to abandon Malibu entirely, ceding total control of the area to the merciless robber barons who seek to use their addiction to the uncut white sands to enslave them.

• Billionaire Beachcombers [NYT via Glass Shallot, who's really pissed off about the whole deal]

• Coastal panel OKs deal with Geffen to settle beach dispute [LAT via LAO]

[Photo: LAT]

• It's winter for a day as snow dusts parts of L.A. [LAT]