The interesting thing about this is that Saturday Night Live by no means has to edit the episode to contain the rehearsal footage skit; they could've just run the same episode and be fine. You have to wonder where along the chain of command someone said "run the funnier version." But why couldn't they have just performed it the first time?

Eh. SNL disappointment shouldn't come as a surprise to many, but the fact that they hold back on the good stuff is just depressing. Then again, it's nice to know they're making an effort to put it out there. Here's hoping they can add some pizazz to a fairly blase November schedule.

Life & Style
"I Lost 82 Lbs!"
Everyone loves a weight loss story… Except for us. Six pages of Biggest Loser info — including an "old diet" versus "new diet" chart and the obligatory grilled chicken over salad photo. Moving on: "More Heels For Suri" is self-explanatory (See image 7). "Wow! How Did They Do That?" is a baby weight feature in which pregnancy weights are compared to post-pregnancy weights. All weights were estimated from photos by a doctor who does not treat the stars. Obviously. Jessica Simpson and Gerard Butler had a "hot and flirty date"! The lead image looks like a shot of the happy couple, but it's actually two pictures cleverly pasted together. (See image 8; we added arrows pointing to the seam.) A source says Jess and Gerard had chemistry, but she ended up going home with her hairdresser. Someone else says: "He's horny, but there's nothing really going on between them." Next: Brad Pitt had a motorcycle mishap and told some guy that Angie was going to kill him, because she thinks motorcycles are too dangerous. (But didn't she buy him the bike?) Psychotherapist Jenn Berman, who does not treat Brad, says: "I don't think it's a good idea for a father to risk his safety." Lastly: Ashlee Simpson's character has been written out of Melrose Place and she is "devastated." And! Losing her salary is not good for the Simpson-Wentzes.
Grade: F (broken filling)

OK!
"Split!"
Robert Pattinson showed up 45 minutes late to the Eclipse wrap party, and when he left, he was wearing a baseball cap and sunglasses. The mag writes: "The reason? He was hiding his broken heart." A "friend" of the couple's says he was talking marriage but Kristen Stewart wasn't ready. Apparently Kristen filmed some steamy love scenes with Taylor Lautner, and keeps talking about how he's getting "bigger and bigger and bigger." A source says "she couldn't stop noticing his bod. His hot bod." Anyways, Rob and Kristen are on a break, but it doesn't mean things are over. The break, interestingly enough, coincides with the hiatus between Twilight movies. (Robert doesn't want to go to LA with Kristen because he's scared of earthquakes.) Next: Bradley Cooper told Renée Zellweger he wants to slow down before anyone's feelings get hurt. The mag calls out Star for printing that Mary-Kate got engaged and also refutes Life & Style's claim that Angelina Joie has a fear of hugging. Check out the "exhaustive research" by their "Investigative Team" (See image 9). Jennifer Aniston is "one step closer to being a mom" because she visited an orphanage in Tijuana, where she made the kids spaghetti for dinner. She's also house-hunting in Mexico. Lastly: There's a two-page feature on Abigail Spencer, who plays Suzanne Farrell — aka Don Draper's mistress — on Mad Men.
Grade: D- (poppy seed stuck in teeth)

In Touch
"Running Back To Jen."
Brad got into a motorcycle accident, but the real news is that he was on his way to a "top secret meeting" with Jennifer Aniston. In other words: Brad was trying to get to Jen and away from Angie so fast, he had an accident! According to sources, Angelina is "not liking" the independent streak that Brad has been showing lately, and Brad realizes that leaving Jen for Angie was "hotheaded and dumb." A "pal" says: "They had a whirlwind affair and he was following Angelina around like a love sick puppy for a while." But now? "He sees her for nasty, calculating person that she is, and he wants to leave. It's terrible, because he feels trapped." Next there are disturbing photos of RHONJTeresa Giudice's new baby wearing feathers and leopard print. (See image 10). Ashlee Simpson "cried in her dressing room" after getting the boot from Melrose Place, poor thing. Jon Gosselin has agreed to star in a "cheesy" new reality show in which he dates Nadya Suleman. It will be called Jon - Kate = Jon+ Octomom. BREAKING: "Katie Holmes returns to her sad life in Boston with Tom Cruise." BREAKING: Susan Boyle is younger than Madonna. (See image 11). Lastly, Matthew McConaughey's kid is just a tiny version of Matthew McConaughey. (See image 12).
Grade: D (pineapple string stuck in teeth)

Us
"This Time I'm Sure."
The guy from The Bachelor proposed to Meilssa Rycroft, then broke it off and got with the Molly from the show, and is now engaged to Molly. Or something. We didn't read the story. Moving on: An Melrose Place insider says they hired Ashlee because they needed a good name for "buzz," but she was embarrassingly bad. Another source says: "She's the worst actress, but nobody will tell her." The spread called "Tinseltown Transformations" is the best thing we have ever seen and proves that everyone you suspect had a nose job (coughTyracough) actually did. The ones you're not sure about are the ones with really good surgeons. (See images 13 and 14 ). Madonna gives Jesus expensive presents when she regrets being nasty to him. She bosses him around, feels guilty later, then buys him stuff like hand-tailored silk shirts. Ryan Gosling is still pining for Rachel McAdams. A friend says Ryan considered Rachel the love of his life and hasn't had eyes for anyone else since their breakup. Taylor Swift invited Taylor Lautner to the set of a commercial she was filming and a source says "they were definitely acting like a couple." Next is the amazing chart which proves that Jessica Simpson and Jennifer Aniston are "on the same path." They like Mexican food! They have great hair! (See image 15). Kate Hudson and A-Rod are planning their life together, and A-Rod is "less of a jerk" now that he's with Kate. Apparently the sex is good and Kate "gets graphic" talking about A-Rod's body — "even to her parents." In Jackson kids news, a source says all the guys in the family (Joe; the Jackson brothers) look at them with dollar signs in their eyes — while the women (Katherine, the Jackson sisters) are protecting them.
Grade: D+ (popcorn husk stuck in teeth)

Star
"Tom & Katie: The End"
Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes' third wedding anniversary is coming up — November 18 — which means they can "renegotiate their marriage contract"! When they got hitched, Tom had a 100-page document drawn up, spelling out everything from Katie's clothing allowance to a cash bonus for having babies. She wants: A bigger clothing allowance; for Tom to find a movie for her to star in; and another Broadway show. She got a $3 million "gift" when she had Suri, and every year Tom increases the additional offspring prize offer as an incentive for Katie to get pregnant. This year he's prepared to bump it up to $5 million! Tom wants Katie to get pregnant NOW and every week he reminds her that she is 30 and her biological clock is ticking away. Her dad's a lawyer, so she talks to him about the contract and is holding off on the baby while the deal is being made. If Tom and Katie don't work out the contract, they could split and fight over Suri — plus, Katie could "spill some of Tom's dark secrets." Next: New Line Cinema is supposedly casting a Jon and Kate movie, and would like Cameron Diaz for Kate and Johnny Depp for Jon. Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel were photographed together recently, and Rihanna got a ton of calls asking if she'd seen the pictures. She "flipped," because she's really into Justin. When she emailed him and asked him what was going on, he said he was trying to work things out with Jess. Now Rihanna feels that she got played. Kate Hudson answered A-Rod's cellphone, and when he complained, she threw the phone in the toilet. Blind item! "Which divorcée hasn't had a date with a man in months, because she digs the ladies? The housewife introduced her girl as 'a friend,' but now that things are over, she's on the prowl for a new gal to keep her company." This is weird: "Rachel Bilson wears the pants" in her relationship because she and Hayden Christensen went out to dinner and she ordered his meal, picked up the bill, and, "when they left, Rachel even drove!" Brad and Angie's English bulldog, Jack, destroyed a $500,000 Marcel Dzama painting. Jenny Craig spokeswoman Queen Latifah had breakfast in Beverly Hills and ordered a latte, three muffins, a slice of chocolate cake and a cinnamon roll to go. A source says: "She had a guilty look on her face." Maddox has been pushing his parents to get married, so in late September, Brad and Angie had a ceremony at their house, and it was officiated by Maddox. He assigned roles for everyone: Shiloh was the "ring bear"; Zahara was the flower girl, and Pax was the best man. Viv and Knox watched and giggled. Angelina wore a white dress; Brad wore a suit; Maddox wore camouflage; Pax wore a soccer jersey; Shiloh had her sword; Zahara wore a dress and tiara. Moving along: Kristen Stewart did not show up to the Eclipse wrap party and Robert Pattinson only stayed for 45 minutes before leaving alone. Sources say they had a fight on October 15 because Rob told Kristen that he was going back to the UK on their hiatus and wouldn't have time for her. Noah Cyrus, 9, wore a "racy getup" to a fundraiser last weekend. (See image 16). Jen, Jess and Cam are in the center of the "Hollywood Love Swap," surrounded by a constellation of guys (See image 17). Is Heather Locklear to blame for Ashlee Simpson getting fired from Melrose Place? Sources say Heather wanted her gone so it could be her show. Lastly, Miranda Kerr and Jamie King are "skin and bones." The mag writes of Kerr: "Although she refuses to reveal her true weight, Dr. Fisher believes Miranda weighs about 110 lbs." Does this mean a reporter actually called her publicist and asked for Miranda Kerr's weight?!?! Dr. Fisher, who has not treated Miranda, is the author of The Park Avenue Diet. Obviously.
Grade: C- (spinach stuck in teeth)

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1. She makes bizarro YouTube clips with Gwyneth Paltrow.

See above. According to Jacob Bernstein's Daily Beast piece, Anderson and Gwynnie are still BFFs, and in 2008 they made this weird little promo together (apparently with the help of Oprah's production company) appeared on Oprah together. Note Gwyneth's grim-eyed stare as she tells the camera, "I work out six days a week." Also note what she perceives as her options: "when you're 35, you either starve yourself, or you do serious cardio. But there's no free ride." I get that Gwyneth's job dictates that she have what Anderson calls "a teeny-tiny body," but what's with the second person? When I turn 35, I'm heartily looking forward to neither starving myself nor working out with Tracy Anderson. Also, one YouTube commenter says Anderson's workouts will leave you "looking like skeletors nutsack," which I guess is body-snark but is also too awesome not to quote.

2. She even steals from herself.

In 2007, Anderson didn't have enough money to outfit her LA studio. So she just started taking machines from the Indianapolis facility. As the machines disappeared one by one, she told her Indianapolis clients "the studio was simply undergoing maintenance." Then one day her customers arrived for a class and the studio was completely empty. Invisible treadmills!

3. She never went to Juilliard, worked on music videos, appeared in Cats, or was sponsored by Carnation Instant Breakfast.

She claims to have done all of the above, but the Daily Beast could find no proof of anything in this grab-bag of impressive and unimpressive credentials (Carnation Instant Breakfast?). Tracy Anderson also did not invent the question mark, has not seen Obama's original birth certificate, and cannot turn water into wine.

4. She calls going to jail "bummer times."

In 2006, Anderson was very briefly jailed for the Dickensian crime of failing to pay the chimney sweep. The Indianapolis Monthly and The Daily Beast both persuasively accuse her of living a lavish lifestyle while ignoring her bills, but here's how she describes the whole experience on her website:

There was a period of about 4 years in my life when I went through several "bummer times." During this period, I got myself into an unfortunate situation in which several negative events happened to me because I let someone else take control of every aspect of my life from finances to business documents. My misguided trust led me to take on challenges I would never have dreamed of facing, and these events affected not only my business, but also my personal life and emotions.

That "someone else" is presumably Glynn Barber, an ex-boyfriend whose own version of events is that Anderson convinced him to invest in her business and then bled him dry. It's a little hard to tell who is telling the truth about their relationship, but Anderson wants us to know her side — for our own good. She writes,

To anyone reading this who has felt hopeless or alone, I hope that my story can help you start to find the inner strength that you need to overcome and start healing, because no one else can give you the strength that you can give to yourself.

Tracy Anderson: firming the glutes, uplifting the soul.

Madonna's Trainer Fights Back [The Daily Beast]
Tracy Anderson Method [Official Site]
Tracy Anderson Method : Madonna And Gwyneth Paltrow Workout [YouTube]

Earlier: Gwyneth Paltrow's Celeb Trainer: Financial Charlatan
Celeb Trainer Tracy Anderson Wants To Give Everyone A "Teeny-Tiny" Body

The Lady will perform on September 13 at this year's MTV Video Music Awards, and she's planning something big. In an interview with Newsweek's Ramin Setoodeh, she says: "I'm going to be performing one of the most recent singles off my album. But it's going to be a different and more dramatic interpretation. And it is most certainly rooted in New York-style performance art." Setoodeh asks — and who could blame him — "What does that mean?"

Gaga explains:

It's less of me singing the song, and more of an art installation. A performance-art piece. It's very well-designed and thought out, and we've been planning it for months and months. It is for me a very meaningful performance, [for] where I am in my career, as well as the experiences I've had, as well as the co-headlining tour I'm going on in the fall. […] I sort of have this philosophy about things: there's never a reason to do something unless it's going to be memorable, unless it's going to change things, unless it's going to inspire a movement. With the song and with the performance, I hope to say something very grave about fame and the price of it.

Does that clear anything up? Hell no. But even more cryptic is her answer to the question, "what are you going to wear?"

I would say that the fashion for the performance is a representation of the most stoic and memorable martyrs of fame in history. It's intended to be an iconic image that represents people. I think after watching the performance and maybe studying it after you watch it on YouTube, you'll see the references and the symbols come through.

And, when talking about her lighting scheme, Ms. Gaga says: "I like it to be moody. I like it to evoke an idea more than light my face. It's not about what you see. It's about what you don't see, and sometimes that vacant space can be very scary."

Perhaps you find it tiring to hear about her "philosophy," her "art," "symbols" and "meaning." Maybe it would be easier if she just said, "I'm going to dress like Joan of Arc. It's gonna be dope." But the other women topping the chart right now? Miley Cyrus and Taylor Swift. Those two aren't exactly… interesting.

Back when that song "Beautiful" was all over the radio, a DJ friend of mine once said, "The devil didn't invent rock and roll for James Blunt." And I can't help but agree, as a woman raised on filthy Prince lyrics, Madonna writhing to "Like A Virgin" (at the VMAs!) and sexual innuendo in George Michael hits. Lots of people can sing. Lots of people write songs. Pop music should be more that that. Not a lot of people sing well, or write catchy songs; Lady Gaga does both. But more importantly: Lady Gaga makes it exciting. Titillating, unexpected. With Muppet coats, teacups, awful (untrue) hermaphrodite rumors and general pantslessness. Without her, pop would be a bland landscape right now. And think about it: People mocked what David Bowie and KISS wore, too. In addition, she uses her Haus of Gaga to "propel" friends and young designers into the spotlight, using her fame to further their careers.

You might think Lady Gaga is pretentious, a phony. But if she is, it's as someone once said of Holly Golightly: She's a real phony… She honestly believes all this phony junk that she believes. Asked, "How old were you when you first wanted to be famous?" Lady Gaga replies:

I think I was in my mother's womb. But it's not about fame, you see. It's about "The Fame." It's about a life of glamour. I believe in a glamorous life.

Lady Gaga Will Rock the VMAs [Newsweek]

Earlier: Questions About The High Fashion & Domestic Violence In Lady GaGa's Video
Before The Teacup & Blonde Wig, Pants Were Still A Problem
Alice Doesn't Live Here Anymore
Lady Gaga Visits The View

Teenage Wizard Movie has jumped to the $100 million mark in the worldwide box office sales. Which poses a fascinating question: Why did the producers of 500 Days of Summer choose this weekend to open? Surely Potter's box office bonanza comes as no surprise. Did they really think the mopey teens who like 'meaning music' were going to snub Potter for uh, the kid from 3rd Rock? SILLY FOOLS! [ Variety ]

Yes! A new movie named Bad Girls is being described as a cross between Lord of the Flies and Heathers. It's an adaptation of a novel. Bad Girls centers on a wild teenager shipped off to a reform school on a remote Caribbean island. On the island, she and The Others go up against violent drug dealers and killers as they battle their own worst impulses. First step: Kill the Pig! [THR]

Two men have died after a stage being built for Madonna's concert collapsed in Marseilles, France. Worst. Obits. Ever. []

Ed Helms! He does things we enjoy. Hopefully, we'll enjoy his newest movie project Cedar Rapids. Helms will play a sad-sack insurance agent who goes to an industry convention to try to save the jobs of his colleagues. Always the hero, that Helms. [ Variety ]

Kevin Smith has confirmed that Clerks and Chasing Amy will be released on Blu-Ray in November 2009 with a few new surprises. Aw! You guys remember Joey Lawrence Adams? Neither do I. [/Film]

A new painfully good looking young person has been cast in Twilight Eclipse. So, you know, Google images is probably a little strained right now! [ THR ]

Todd Phillips, writer/director of The Hangover, is has been hired by Warner Bros to write a new feature called Staycation. What's it about? We don't know but there's rightful suspicion that it will be a "male-driven-laffer." [ Vairety ]

Fox has tapped portly and lovable John Goodman to star in a new Ben Stiller-produced pilot. [Variety ]

More like solidarity for-never! The Directors union and the Writers union are beefing. Look at this Eff-Off email the head of the DGA sent to the head of SAG. "Of course, these are not normal circumstances "... you've repeatedly, and in my opinion unfraternally, attacked the negotiations and contracts of the DGA and other unions in the press and other public forums. So, in the circumstances, I'm very surprised that you would consider yourself to be in a position to convene an event that requires trust and fraternity to have any chance of success." Good luck on those negotiations, comrades! [ Variety ]

Here's a short version of Anderson's story:

After gaining weight and getting ridiculed as a ballet dancer, she developed a dance-based workout technique designed to "manipulate your muscular structure." She and her husband Eric opened several gyms in Fishers, Indiana, but quickly went into debt, partly due to Anderson penchant for driving fancy cars but not paying her sewer bills. After filing for bankruptcy and starting yet another gym, she asked Glynn Barber, a married dad who owned a tool-and-die business, to build her a "Hybrid Body Reformer," a variant on a Pilates machine that would both tone muscles and "make you super-tiny." Barber built twelve of the machine and, despite the fact that Anderson didn't pay him, both became romantically involved with her and invested in her business. Over the next several years, Anderson proceeded to bleed him dry of his eight-figure fortune, making him pay for luxuries like a $1,500 a night hotel in London when she visited Madonna, and an apartment in Los Angeles when she decided to relocate there. Though Barber is now broke, the home they shared in Indiana is being foreclosed upon, and one of her gyms has closed without fully reimbursing clients for unused lesson, Anderson apparently continues to train Madonna and Gwyneth Paltrow.

Oddly, an article by Donna Freydkin in today's USA Today makes no mention of Anderson's malfeasance. Freydkin calls Anderson "the woman responsible for Paltrow's attention-grabbing transformation from willowy to wow." And Paltrow (whom Anthony Bourdain called "the one bitch who refuses to eat ham") sounds like a promotional brochure when she gushes,

I had always been dedicated to exercise, but no matter how hard I worked, I never was able to change the things that bothered me. Her method is so rewarding because, yes, you are working hard, but you know you are getting somewhere. I really never thought that at 36, after two children, I could look better than I ever had.

How has Anderson gotten away with years of unpaid bills, bankruptcy, and using up a man's fortune, only to wind up a lauded trainer to the stars? We see two equally depressing reasons. One, Anderson embodies the pre-recession ethos of keeping up appearances at all costs. Her expensive car, home, hotel stays, and studio equipment were all part of Anderson's strategy: her associates told Indianapolis Monthly that "she sells herself with charisma and succeeds, time and time again, by giving the impression that she is already successful" — even when she has no money to pay for the things she buys. Though this strategy has resulted in devastating financial fallout for Barber — and for others too quickly taken in by the early 21st centuries buy-now, pay-later mores — it seems to be working for Anderson, at least for now.

The other secret to her success: people, especially actresses, really want to be thin. Anderson "promised that anyone could look like her," says former client Amy Paull. "Anyone could be a size 0 or a size 2." Paull adds that when people hear of Anderson's financial troubles, "the usual comment I hear is, ‘It's terrible what she did, but did her workout work? People are so desperate to be thin." Desperate enough, apparently, that they don't care if their trainer has cheated others and may well cheat them. Tracy Anderson: yet another sign of the end-times.

Getting Ripped [Indianapolis Monthly]
Meet the fitness trainer who transformed Gwyneth Paltrow [USA Today]

Yeah she sent the Home of Hope Orphanage a big box full of David's old clothes, said a source close to the institution:

These are clothes David can no longer use; they say he is quite a big boy now so he cannot use most of the clothes Madonna bought him immediately after he was adopted. The children were excited to receive the clothes.

And, as a nice cherry on top of the hand-me-down sundae, she sent copies of the children's book she wrote, The English Roses, that she probably can get for free whenever. But they were autographed! And what Malawian orphan who's seen hundreds die around him doesn't want Madonna's autograph??

Again, charity is never a bad thing (unless you're donating old boots to neo-Nazis or you're the manager of a Hampton Inn that's closing and you send the bedsheets to the KKK), but People is gurgling over this like the hundred-year-old Body of Evidence actress flew over Africa in a decommissioned B-52 and dropped money bombs on everyone. Nope, it was just sad, used garments and a chance to get some of her unsold books out of storage.

When asked about the charitable donation, Yohane Banda, David's biological father who fought to have him returned, said that he was kinda hoping that he'd open the box and the kid would be in there. Ah well.

OK!
"Face To Face."
Jennifer Aniston and Angelina Jolie will finally see each other on February 21, at the night-before-the-Oscars party. The rest of this article recounts every time since January 2005 (when Jen and Brad split) that these two could have seen each other, but didn't. A psychoanalyst who does not treat Jen says Jen should bring John [Mayer] to the showdown, because it will make her more confident. "It's common for a woman who goes to a party by herself to feel insecure. But when a woman has a date, she feels loved, special and socially secure." Wow, how positively modern. Next: A story called "Jessica Indulges In Love!" is about Ms. Simpson's Valentine's Day weekend. She went to Serendipity 3 in New York, and a spywitness says she and Tony shared a sundae the size of her head. Everyone is watching what she eats! Lastly, from an "exclusive" interview with Giuliana Rancic from E! News: Eleven years ago, she underwent surgery for scoliosis. "My doctor put two rods in my back. I have a scar from my neck all the way down my back to my behind." This is notable because the magazine Photoshopped the scar out of the picture in which she is proudly showing it off. (Fig. 1)
Grade: F (herniated disc)

Life & Style
"Leave Him."
No one who works with Rihanna thinks she is just going to walk away from Chris Brown. She's been talking on the phone with his mom. A psychiatrist who does not treat Rihanna says "I think relationships do sometimes recover, even from episodes of domestic abuse." Ugh! The magazine prints this sentence: "Rihanna may need friends and family to back off." Says a Rihanna insider: "The thing that's hurting her worst of all right now is the pressure she's getting from her management and family to write Chris off. You've got to remember after she left the hospital, she met up with him at the hotel. She's not ready to leave him." Oy. Moving on: Britney is tired of keeping her feelings to herself, so she's turning her "private diaries" into a book. She's been filling notebooks with poems, thoughts, feelings, song lyrics and letters that she never sent. She started when her marriage to K-Fed was ending. An insider says, "These notebooks read like a story, and Britney still has all of them." Another "Jen is gonna meet Angie" story! This one has a sidebar suggesting that Brad and Angie "dissed" Jen on her birthday; apparently she invited Brad and Angie to her 40th birthday but they were traveling at the time. Next: An interview with Jennifer Gimenez from Sober House talks about how she was using an eight ball of coke a day at the height of her addiction, and it was fueled by people telling her she was too fat when she was a model. Lastly: This week in Dr. Rey's Casebook, it's "Which Stars Have The Most Requested Features?" Scarlett Johansson's cleavage, Kate Moss's cheeks and Angelina Jolie's eyes are popular. Dr. Rey suggests thousands of dollars in surgery to get these looks!
Grade: D- (pinched nerve)

In Touch
"Get Out."
Inside the magazine, this story is titled "Get Out Of My House," and it's about how Angelina is "livid" that Brad wants his parents to come and help with the kids while Angie is filming her movie in New York. At no point in the story does Angelina say "get out" or does anyone claim that she wants Brad to leave. False advertising! Anyway, Brad's mom and dad will live with them in the Hamptons for a while, since, according to a source, "Brad and Angelina don't even know how to turn on an oven." The mag prints the headline: "Uh-oh, Jen's Moving To New York Too!" because the city is not big enough for two women and one Brad Pitt. Next: John Mayer and Jennifer Aniston went to the Bahamas and on Valentine's day, they did not leave their villa at all. Sexy sexy sex! Mischa Barton is "skin and bones." Her face is "gaunt" with sunken cheeks (Fig. 2). Is it because magazines and bloggers mocked her cellulite (Fig. 3)? Moving on: The "Jake Is Ready To Propose" item says that Mr. Gyllenhaal spent four hours looking at jewelry for Reese Witherspoon. (Us claims he bought earrings.) You know how Usher's wife was in Brazil for liposuction? Usher didn't know about her surgery. "No one knows if she wanted to surprise him with her new figure, or whether she knew she'd be upset about leaving their sons to have a procedure done," a source spills. Also: Rihanna is "picking up the pieces" because Chris was not just her boyfriend but her best friend. "She hates Chris, but still loves him at the same time," an insider says. They have spoken a few times since the incident and relayed messages back and forth through a friend. Meanwhile, there's another story about weight: "Stars Feel Pressure To Be Skinny." (Fig 4.) Oh, and "Kellie Pickler Looks So Different." (Fig. 5) Botox at 22? Lastly: The best thing about the Madonna/Jesus Luz story is the box letting you know where Jesus was at different points in Madonna's career. For instance: When she was in A League Of Their Own, he was five (Fig. 6).
Grade: D (sciatica)

Us
"Octo Mom's Dark Secrets."
In a paid interview from the UK, Nadya Suleman says she hasn't had sex in eight years and when she was growing up, her parents had separate bedrooms and "stayed in the marriage" for her. The mag talks to a neighbor who says, "I asked her once if she was a virgin and she said she's not." Sorry? You asked your neighbor what? According to legal documents, Suleman had a boob job when she was 18. The story goes on for 8 pages, and includes stuff you don't want to know, like maybe Suleman was depressed after her back injury and didn't want to have sex with her husband, which led to their divorce. But by talking to The Sun and The Daily Mail, she made about $227,000. Which is what, three weeks of diapers and food for 14 kids? The president of TLC confirms that the channel has been in touch with Suleman, but says, "We are still watching this story evolve." In other words, if she's actually cuckoo for cocoa puffs and everyone hates her, we won't give her a show! Next: Angela Kinsey, who plays Angela on The Office and had a baby in May, has separated from her husband of eight years. She won't be able to avoid the family, because his brother, Paul Lieberstein, also stars on The Office. Lastly: "How Rihanna's Coping" claims that Rihanna has been telling everyone she is sorry, even though it's not her fault. A source says that Chris and Rihanna had broken up a week before the incident. During the relationship, Chris used to make little insults when Rihanna's hair wasn't done, and make fun of her accent. He tried to make her jealous by laughing in her presence over inside jokes with Jordan Sparks. Chris choreographed a dirty dance with Ciara for the BET awards in 2008, and afterward, Rihanna was all, "What the hell was that?" Chris said: "You can be replaced."
Grade: D+ (neck crick)

Star
"I Still Love Him!"
A friend says Rihanna knows there is another side to Chris Brown, a "kinder, gentler" side, and right now, she loves and misses that man. An insider says she's already forgiven Chris for the "misunderstanding," as she puts it, and has reached out to Chris with numerous texts and phone calls. But! The mag obtained text messages from a woman named Tiffany — sent by Chris Brown the night before Chris and Rihanna performed at Madison Square Garden in December. Tiffany walked past Chris and his posse on the street, and Chris sent a posse member over. Phone numbers were exchanged. Chris called and said, "I'm at the London Hotel, do you want to hang out?" Tiffany got nervous. She texted him: Can I bring my sister? Chris wrote back, "Yeah, is she single?" Tiffany let Chris know that she had a boyfriend but that her sister was indeed single, and Chris wrote: "When u come here, all that doesn't matter." Star traced the phone number and it is registered to Chris Brown's production company! Next: Rachel Zoe is very thin (Fig.7). Rachel McAdams is practically living in Josh Lucas's NYC apartment. Hayden Christensen and Rachel Bilson are engaged. Jessica Simpson asked her Dukes Of Hazzard trainer to help her monitor her diet, but she's having trouble sticking to the 1250 calorie a day regimen (um, because that's not enough to live on?). The magazine writes: "Jessica's most recent violation was indulging in the terrible trio of chicken wings, nachos and booze." An insider says: "She can't resist junk food. She literally needs to be watched 24/7." Or left alone!?!?! Blind item: "Which aging action hero borrows from his wife's underwear drawer? His newly slim frame is all thanks to Spanx! He wears the ladies' hose under his designer suits." Awesome story of the week: "Ellen and Portia: It's Baby Time!" The mag actually prints this sentence: "First came love, then came marriage. Now Ellen DeGeneres and Portia de Rossi are ready for the baby carriage." Apparently Ellen has given Portia the greenlight to get IVF. Ellen's brother Vance may donate sperm! "They'd love to have a boy," says an insider. Moving on: Britney will be making money again when she goes on her Circus tour, which is good news to the more 100 people (!!!) on her payroll. She spends the bulk of her earnings on her staff, treating them to manicures, massages and clothes. But! A spy sez: "Sometimes Brit wonders why she has to pay her dad. Because there are days when all he does is watch sports and make pie." Her dad gets $200,000 a year for being the conservator of her estate; her mom gets $180,000 for being her mom. Next there's yet another story about Mischa Barton being "Skin And Bones." Apparently Mischa told someone she wants her bones to stick out. She barely eats and she's taking diet pills, claims a "friend." Nicole Richie and Rachel Zoe are friends again, which freaks out Joel Madden, who blames Rachel for Nic's drastic dieting. Lastly: Miley Cyrus and Taylor Swift were making fun of people backstage at the Grammys. A source says they "seem sweet, but can act like snotty little brats." Miley's mom and dad bicker nonstop at home; and Miley's boyfriend/aspiring singer Justin Gaston, who lives with them, walks around in his underwear, which upsets Billy Ray. A spy says: "Justin recently devoured an entire apple pie that Billy Ray was looking forward to eating when he got home!"
Grade: C (sore shoulders)

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• Pregnant rapper M. I. A. did such a good job at the Grammys that Oscars show producers say they're desperate to book the overdue fresh-minted mom to perform "O Saya" from the excellent Slumdog Millionaire soundtrack. "We are happy to bring some sort of fabulous bed on stage if that means M.I.A. can be there." (UPDATE: Oh right, she finally had the kid. Sorry for calling you "twisted," Oscars producers!)
• To protect his reputation, Michael Phelps is hanging out in strip clubs. He figures no one can take his picture there. [Page Six]
• Justin Timberlake didn't literally beat away the models with a stick at Fashion Week, but it sounds like it almost came to that. Apparently it wasn't enough that he was making out furiously with Jessica Biel. Models can be dense. [Gatecrasher]
• Angelina Jolie might move to Manhattan. She was looking at a place in Washington Heights. They might already be remodeling the building for her. [Us]
• Jennifer Aniston might run into Jolie at the Oscars. Scientists have various theories on what will happen in the collision, and warn there's no way of knowing anything for certain in advance of the actual event. Goggles, as always, are recommended for onlookers. [OK!]
• Sarah Jessica Parker thinks the next Sex And The City movie will need to be "recession-friendly." Which sounds so implausible it gives us hope the recession might finally kill off the franchise, forever. [Us]
• MC Hammer finally got his own reality show, focusing on his life as a "new-age dad" in Oakland. A&E picked it up. [Hollywood Reporter]
• Guy Ritchie is pissed because he has to re-shoot various Sherlock Holmes scenes, because he was distracted by his divorce from Madonna. As though we all weren't distracted by his divorce from Madonna. [Sun]
• Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are suddenly not going to the Oscars, for some reason. Maybe so they can get some press when they do go to the Oscars. [OK!]

• Or at least he was over Christmas, when he was only allowed to send a brief text message to his worried parents. At 50 years old, the man's grandmother is younger than the witch Madonna, who has at press time taken the form of a heap of sand and chicken bones that lurches across the plains. We'll keep you notified if any more children go missing or if, God forbid, she takes her Shadow form and can therefore easily enter any home, at any time. [NYP]
• Lindsay Lohan and her wife of 29 years Samantha Ronson got in a spat on a New York street as they returned to their hotel last night. "Samantha Judith Ronson, why are you doing this to me?" Lindsay called after her lover, who was stomping back to the Bowery Hotel in stony silence. When they got back to their room, Samantha was moodily flipping through the channels and Lindsay said "well fine then." In the car ride back home Lindsay said only one thing: "You missed the exit, Sam." Samantha cursed loudly and hit the steering wheel. Once they'd finally made it home and were sitting eating a painful, silent dinner at the dining room table—do they really need this big table now that the kids are gone?—Lindsay whimpered a bit and said "I just wanted it to be a nice vacation." Samantha nodded her head and said, "I know. I know. I'm sorry." And they went to bed and when they woke up, it was a new day and there were new things to be done. [NYP]
• Ageless actress Ellen Barkin is filming a TV pilot for HBO in which a sassy blond lady divorces a high-powered asshole. So it's basically her Ron Perelman story. In the TV show, Ron dies in the first episode. [Rush & Malloy]
• Rapper M.I.A. has given birth to a baby boy. Insiders at the hospital say that it's kind of strange looking at first but then you see all the crazy eccentricities in him and you start to like him and then you can't get him out of your head and you think he's maybe talking about like immigration or refugees or something? But you can't really tell. After a while, though, you just want him to go away. [Us]
• Now that she's all famous, Slumdog Millionaire actress Freida Pinto has dumped her boyfriend of four years. Citing irreconcilable loserdom, Pinto told courts "he just doesn't get it, you know?" The boyfriend, Rohan Antao, was reportedly last seen at a sports bar, pointing to the TV when an ad for the film came on and glumly saying to the bartender "Yeah, her. No man, I swear." [Showbiz Spy]

• Well, OK. Not really. But she does owe almost twelve grand on back property taxes for her Massapaquonsetsauhut home, and if she doesn't pay up next week, the lien will be sold at public auction. Yes, you could buy Dina Lohan's debt and lord it over her forever. Dina of course blames her shiftless drifter ex-husband, Michael: "My ex is in arrears for child support, and I think it has come from that area." Michael responded, through a rep: "I haven't been in arears since I got out of prison." (Sorry, Pareene.) [P6]
• Madonna would like to ensure, legally, that her two young sons get the proper care when in their father's custody. She filed papers today making sure that they must stay kosher, go to temple twice a week, and have a good internet connection at their dad, Guy Ritchie's, fancy English castle or whatever. And you know what's on the the internet... So, great. Two more rich Jewish boys with sex problems. Thanks, Maddy. [NYDN]
• Sad, appearance-obsessed Olympic swimmer Amanda Beard has found a fiance, photographer Sasha Brown. Upon hearing that her artsy fartsy brother had found himself a beard, Brown's bitchy, sarcastic younger sister Claire snorted and said "Ha, you don't say." To which Brown's mother, Donna Brown, lightly swatted her daughter's knees and said "Oh you, now stop. Just terrible." But you could tell she was smiling a little bit. [Us]
• High Ferret Chancellor Kevin Federline is renting out his children to their mother, Louisiana cosmetology student Britney Spears, for $5,000 a week. In a related story, octuplet-birthing mother of 14 Nadya Suleman raised her head suddenly and chirped "You can do that??" [Sun]
• Peaches Geldof is out at booze parties again, even though she is now a divorced and ruined woman. You'd almost think that the 19-year-old didn't take this stuff seriously or something. [Mirror]

• On Monday night, Hugh Grant is seen making out with Drew Barrymore at Waverly Inn. She later turns up at Beatrice alone. On Tuesday night, Grant makes out with two women at a Meatpacking District spot, then just up and walks out. He's either trying to prove something or trying to sexually frustrate himself.
• Los Angeles police are supposedly investigating whether Chris Brown has a long history of abusing Rihanna. Like, why did she wear that eye patch? [Sun]
• Brown's mom is still talking to him. And at least one cousin is defending him, saying, "it had to be something to provoke him for Chris to do it."
• In 1979, 20-year-old Madonna worked as a nude photo model for maybe $25. One of those pictures just sold for $38,000. [Mirror]
• Michael Phelps refuses to take $1 million for an interview, because that would be wrong. And also because it would, uh, endanger his $100 million in projected lifetime endorsements. [P6]
• Benazir Bhutto's niece Fatima, 26, is not sure whether to continue her secret affair with George Clooney, 47, by going to Hollywood as he requests, or be an actual political leader in Pakistan. What's a girl to do? [Mail]
• Do not look at this picture of the octuplet mom's distended belly from the height of her pregnancy. [TMZ]

The Steven Klein-shot spread is entitled "One Night in Rio," and as far as we can discern, it tells the story of a newly-liberated Madonna, who's just returned home from either a funeral or eye surgery when she notices a very hunky pool boy who she lures upstairs and roofies. The perfunctory, prone cuddling that results is positively scorching!

Also, thank goodness Luz had the foresight to scrawl his identity all over his shoulder blades. Saves a lot on the cost of model comp cards!

[Photo Credit: Steven Klein/W]

• Madonna: Blame it on Rio [W]

Leaving aside the strange biblical and oedipal overtones of this match, Madonna and Jesus's date at a New York steakhouse (they're pictured leaving it here) is said to be the new pair's first public outing. Has A-Rod been benched? Is an inconsolable Guy Ritchie coping by watching TV and snorting non-macrobiotic pixie sticks? No word, yet, from Madonna's self-contradicting flack Liz Rosenberg; still, we're rooting for the dynamic duo, if only to give us the weird, fanfictiony Bible romance it had been previously sacrilegious to 'ship for.

[Photo Credit: Splash News]

• Madonna fuels romance rumours after dinner date with Brazilian model [Daily Mail]

(That said, he kind of starts to win us over somewhere around the Jay-bashing halfway mark, which we'll attribute to our own anti-Jay bias, or the fact that we're drunk, too.)
· We're guessing this poor dude dangling from a Vail chairlift with his pants down and his pecker hanging out really wishes he could put it all behind him—something that might take a little bit longer than predicted thanks to high-quality digital imaging and the magics of the internet!
· Here's a look at Jeff Bridges's book of photography from the set of Iron Man, including documentation of his traumatic head-shaving. [via Goldenfiddle]
· Madonna's vagina is around four feet wide with razor sharp teeth which can devour a large Louis Vuitton handbag in one gulp.
· As Bush winds down his last days in the White House, we're still in utter disbelief that Cookie bin Monster has yet to be found.

Always at the ready to swat away a junket reporter when the questioning strays off movie-pimping topic, or phone in a craftily worded, 4 a.m. denial ("Not only was my client not acquainted with the dead hooker in question, he wasn't even in Las Vegas this weekend. He was shooting his upcoming guest appearance on Entourage!"), it's time Hollywood's hard-working plate-spinners get the recognition they deserve.

Without further ado, then, we proudly present The 2008 Defamer Flack Honors. Winners, please come forward to collect your trophy (a clipboard-wielding thirtysomething woman hurling herself upon a grenade, cast in the finest bronze), and say a few carefully chosen words of appreciation.

Most Loyal
Elliot Mintz
Taking on Paris Hilton as a client is not a task for the fainthearted; but doing it with the gusto and blind obedience demonstrated time and again by Elliot Mintz elevates him from the rank-and-flacky-file to the level of some kind of publicist archangel. Not only did Mintz return to his post after his client's failed attempt at tossing him under a bus during her suspended license trial, he slathered himself, for reasons still not completely understood, in orange face paint for her birthday festivities. We're choking back tears right now.

Best Liar
Liz Rosenberg
Madonna's rep Liz Rosenberg had the publicity equivalent of SoCal wildfires to contend with this year, as if dropped by parachute with nothing but a watering can and her own slippery wits to fend off the singer's raging divorce inferno. It was enough to make a flack long for the relative innocuousness of new-new-face scrutiny, tales of corset-crappings, and other assorted moustache rides.

Still, even the most gifted of professional liars are bound by human constraints. As we tried in vain to place all the appropriate pushpins in our increasingly convoluted MadgeRod CynthRavitz Clusterfuck case map, Liz & Co. themselves could barely keep track of which fibs were meant for us, and which were never meant to leave the walls of Spin Control HQ.

The Worst Publicist in the World
Jonathan Jaxson
True, we crowned Jonathan Jaxson The Worst Publicist in the World back in November, with two months and one Jeremy Piven handroll-related P.R. nightmare to go before 2008 closed out. Didn't matter. The second we met Cheetah Girl Adrienne Bailon's spokesperson, and listened to him tell an Atlanta CBS affiliate's morning show audience of his plan to fake a nude photo scandal that (surprise!) backfired, eventually leading to his client and her fellow Cheetahettes being disinvited from the Macy's parade, we knew we had met a bold new breed of publicist, far deadlier than any that came before. This is the P-2000: Incompetent Robot P.R. Killing Machine. Fight the future.

However, that's exactly what Madonna is trying to pull after her own rep, Liz Rosenberg, released figures to the tune of $76 million to $92 million on Monday. Now, Madonna and Guy Ritchie are fighting this rampant, inaccurate misinformation put out by, uh, themselves:

"We have tried to maintain a dignified silence regarding the details of our divorce for the last few months whilst accepting the obvious media interest," their statement reads. "A misleading and inaccurate statement, specifically in relation to the sums of money involved, was wrongly issued...this week.

"The financial details of the settlement will remain private, save to say that both of us are happy with our agreement. Our primary concern, like any co-parents, is the care and well-being of our children."

So did a renegotiation go down? We're not sure, but we hope that Ritchie is ribbing the Material Girl with the appropriate taunt: "Save as draft, Madonna, save as draft."

• Madonna, Guy: Mega Divorce Settlement "Inaccurate" [E!]

Liz Rosenberg tells The Associated Press that Madonna, 50, has given Ritchie, 40, between $76 million to $92 million as part of their divorce agreement. (The figure includes the value of the couple's country home Ashcombe in western England, she said.)

Although the singer keeps the bulk of her estimated $500 million fortune, "I'd assume it's one of the largest payouts ever in a divorce settlement," Rosenberg noted.

Rosenberg confirms that Madonna will be in England for Christmas, though she's cagey over British reports that the singer will be staying with Ritchie at Ashcombe so that the children can have all of their family present for the holiday. And what a fun, freewheeling holiday it will be!

‘He is planning on having a traditional turkey dinner – although all the food will be organic at Madonna’s insistence.

‘Madonna doesn’t really like Ashcombe but she thinks it’s important that they put on a united front for the kids. She will, however, be eating a different meal as she will only eat fish. She will also be working out on Christmas Day.’

While we know that Jews celebrate Christmas differently (if at all), we admit Madonna's approach is a new one: after Lourdes, Rocco, and David unwrap presents of B12-filled syringes and New York Yankee pajamas, the pop star will retire to her thirteen-hour Christmas Day workout, stopping only to swallow a halibut whole (scales and all) and to buzz the Ashcombe intercom, taunting, "Allowance, Guy, Allowance."

• Rep: Madonna Gives Guy Ritchie at Least $76 Million in Settlement [Us]

• Guy and Madonna WILL spend Christmas together [Daily Mail]