To many news outlets, the funeral and its cast of characters were breaking news. Jackson was one of the most talented, successful and media-ready celebrities ever. Every twist and turn since the singer's death has become a headline, a morsel to be devoured by an ever-hungry public. Still, tonight's script had somewhat hushed and network anchors were forced to offer tabloid details (Liz! Macaulay Culkin! Lisa Marie Prestley!) while also describing the event as "intimate." That combination, we're sure, sparked a bit of cognitive dissonance.

But clearly this mournful milestone was not simply a family affair. Yes, fans were prohibited from participating, but, in the end, only about a dozen even showed. It was the media the police had to wrangle and keep confined. Even barricaded, though, the media still received its feed from the Jackson family itself, who had set up a spot light and camera to mark the occasion. Whether it was for our benefit or theirs depends on one's perspective and levels of cynicism.

Blessedly, though, cameras were turned off for the actual funeral, during which Gladys Knight sang and Al Sharpton spoke. The spectacle that has surrounded Jackson himself, his body and his nearly ritualistic send-off has finally come to a close. The story of his death and those involved, however, will go on, and of course will not remain so respectful.

While the late pop-star's dermatologist allegedly believes he's the father of Paris and Prince Michael, there are still rumors swirling around Blanket. And, of course, those rumors are wild, titillating and just plain wacky. Some believed that restrauteur Al Malnik fathered the long-haired 7-year old, but Malnik denied that claim.

Now, in an apparent grab for even more outlandish hearsay, British tabloid The Sun — and others — are citing sources who claim Macaulay Culkin shot his wad for the king of pop.

Thankfully, these sources are well aware that the nonsense their spouting sounds like bullshit:

So many names have been mentioned as prospective dads, and this is probably the wackiest yet. But Jackson and Culkin were best friends. He was one of the few people Jackson really trusted and Mack never let him down. Really, Jackson idolized him - that's why he asked Mack to donate sperm. Deep down, I think he always wished Mack was his son. Creating Blanket was the next best thing.

Actually, the more we think about this, the more it's feasible that Culkin did the deed for his buddy Jackson. As the source said, they were best friends. And what's more best friendly than donating your sperm so that your pal can create the illusion that you're actually his son? Nothing, really.

Really, this must stop. Marlon Jackson came out this weekend said perhaps the most sensible thing any of the family has said since Jackson's death: "Those were Michael's kids - regardless of where they came from." Here, here! These kids are going to be messed up. That's a fact. They hardly need the media circling like vultures, questioning from whence they came. But perhaps this is simply a sad example of supply and demand.

The initial mugshot seemed to heavily imply Culkin's responsibility for the death, and while the new picture removes some of that taint, he now seems weirdly happy and satisfied. Again, we're glad they didn't use this photo, but we fear now that they're only getting warmed up. Guys, a neutral or frowning picture of Macaulay is not hard to find — Google Image Search is your friend! Let's just be happy that Shenae Grimes hasn't had to suffer this insult upon injury today, and claim that as our tenuous silver lining.

• CBS 2

Certainly, we can understand running with a picture of Macaulay Culkin to illustrate the death of his sister Dakota; after all, Macaulay is the most famous sibling and therefore the one that readers will hook into. But...that picture? Surely you know what using Macaulay's mugshot is suggesting to your readers, don't you? And it's not, "Oh, remember when Macaulay got arrested in 2004 for marijuana possession in Oklahoma City?"

Here's the Associated Press photo site. Put an account on your Christmas wishlist! Still, we'll reluctantly give you one thing: at least you didn't use this.

• CBS 2

"Law enforcement sources tell us Dakota Culkin was walking on the west side of Los Angeles Tuesday when she stepped off a curb and was struck by a car," reports TMZ. "The 29-year-old Culkin was taken to the UCLA Medical Center where she died of her injuries yesterday afternoon." Dakota was the elder of two Culkin-clan daughters, adds The Huffington Post. We send our condolences to Macaulay, Rory and the rest of their family, and urge Clint Howard to stay indoors until this whole trend blows over.

[Photo: HuffPo]

• Macaulay's Sister Dies [TMZ]

While waiting in line for a screening of Pineapple Express, famed siblings Macaulay and Kieran Culkin got into a very heated debate over the quality of their bottle water. Macaulay felt that while the water could've been a bit colder, it was still refreshing and satisfying. However, Kieran felt that water was bland and too predictable. Macaulay pointed to his brother towards the various brands of flavored water available at the theater, but Kieran just shook his head. A crowd quickly formed around the brothers who asked the brothers to debate more topics. One onlooker commented, "These two guys should be the guys replacing Ebert & Roeper. You can really tell that they don't like each other."

[Photo Credit: Getty Images]

*A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

Anyway, myriad couplings follow, though the accompanying teaser is a bit vague in the how-and-who. However, Longworth also points out the entire film is available free on YouTube, both promising a waste of at least 40 minutes of our afternoon and officially confirming we made the right call in staying home this week. Happy viewing (we hope)!

• Cannes Market Watch: 'Sex and Breakfast' [Spout Blog]

These kid pimps (usually mothers) push their tiny tots into the limelight, despite the tragedies that have befallen so many who came before them. This list of the "Top 25 Child Stars" is more a gallery of sadness than the tribute to talent we all wish it was. Sure, you've got your few who managed not to lose their marbles (Christian Bale, Elijah Wood), but they are few and far between. Out of 25 kid actors, two were married EIGHT times each, four became addicted to coke in their teens (though technically Drew Barrymore was only 12 when she started snorting what she may have actually thought was nose candy), four were married or pregnant by 20, and the rest are just a grab bag of crazy. Heroin addicts and a manic depressive make the list, as does one who was well on her way to normalcy ... until her stalker shot the President.

Not making the list of great child stars? Robert Blake, the Little Rascal who shot his wife. Carl Switzer, the Little Rascal who got shot by his bookie. The whole cast of Diff'rent Strokes.... And, more importantly, all the child actors who never became stars, but lived through all the same traumatic experiences as their more successful counterparts. But don't bother telling this to a mom with dollar signs in her eyes, as Danny Bonaduce tried to recently when he took a busload of bad parents down the Sunset Strip and heartfully told them the painful stories of many young stars. Right after pointing out the spot where River Phoenix OD'd and died as his teenage brother Joaquin watched, Bonaduce says, "Show hands if you still want stardom for your kid, and you think you can handle it for sure." And they all do, without a single moment of hesitation.

Here's the complete list:
25. Kirsten Dunst
24. Lindsay Lohan
23. Sean Astin
22. Keisha Castle-Hughes
21. Natalie Wood
20. Christian Bale
19. Abigail Breslin
18. Elijah Wood
17. Jodie Foster
16. Haylie Mills
15. Freddie Highmore
14. Freddie Bartholomew
13. Anna Paquin
12. Christina Ricci
11. Tatum O'Neal
10. Haley Joel Osment
9. Elizabeth Taylor
8. Patty Duke
7. Jackie Cooper
6. Dakota Fanning
5. Drew Barrymore
4. Mickey Rooney
3. Judy Garland
2. Macaulay Culkin
1. Shirley Temple

• Top 25 Child Stars [Moviefone]

• Bad News for Macaulay Culkin s Book [Gawker]
• Previously: Macaulay Culkin's Novel Gets Its First Trashing [Defamer]

Culkin s debut novel, to be published on March 15 by Miramax Books, kicks off with a five-question pop quiz meant to weed out any readers not quite up to snuff. Those who fail the quiz, Culkin writes, will not be allowed to go on. Reader, if you know what s good for you, you will fail the quiz. [...]

The book is essentially comprised of a couple hundred pages of semi-coherent diary entries coupled with a handful of scrawled drawings. The story, insofar as one exists, concerns a child star named Monkey-Monkey Boy and a guy, Junior, with no end of father issues. (People magazine readers will recognize autobiographical elements.)

Culkin isn t particularly concerned with narrative and takes no legitimate stabs at structure. He sticks instead with a rag-tag rambling style, tossing out his offerings like scraps on a trash heap poems piled atop lists piled atop letters, none of it really compelling, and none of it really going anywhere. All the usual typographical tricks font-size changes, phrases crossed out, blank pages helpfully labeled blank are brought out in a rather unsuccessful attempt to disguise the basic pointlessness of the exercise.

Not a rave, but let's not write off our fledgling man of letters just yet. Granted, to the uninitiated, it may seem like Culkin merely reached under his bed and fished out the stack of Mead spiral notebooks he has been scribbling and doodling his anguished former child star soul into for the past decade, trotted them over to Miramax books, only to plop them down on a starstruck editor's desk, saying "You want a book. I got your book." No, it's only upon closer examination that one realizes that Junior is in actuality the uncanny approximation of a teen diary of despair, sprung forth from the Bic pen of a celebrity literary master.

• Macaulay Culkin's Debut Novel: The First Review [The Book Standard]

• Paris Hilton vs. Macaulay Culkin
• [Cory's Web LOG]