There was a point, admits Lynne Spears, mother of Britney, when she toyed with the idea of calling her autobiography It's All My Fault. 'I can laugh about it now, but did I feel that way at the time? Yes, I did and, if I'm being totally honest, I still do,' she says. [...]

'When her life was such a success, what did she need me for? And when things took a turn for the worse, I was out, because other people - dancers, managers - were closer to her, and with her day and night. Being a mother, you can't help but have regrets about what you did and didn't do for your kids, and I'm no different,' admits Lynne. [...]

At the time, friends of the star were worried that she might try to kill herself - a fear shared by Lynne. 'Yes, I did worry that that might happen,' she confesses. 'I couldn't see Britney, and you worry more when you're looking at things from a distance.'

Sadly, questions about Jamie Lynn's pregnant lipo were mired when Lynne Spears went into long, oddly digressive anecdotes about Vietnam and Kissinger. Still, at least our nation can finally begin to heal, our long nightmare finally given a flaccid-cheeked, sputtering scapegoat crying, "I'm saying, it's NOT illegal when a stage mom does it!"

• Lynne Spears: I'm to blame for my Britney's meltdown [Daily Mail]

Jamie Lynn had just finished her hit Nickelodeon show Zoey 101 when she found the weight piling on. Not realizing she was expecting, she pleaded with her mom, Lynne Spears, to let her get liposuction, says a source.

"She didn't know she was pregnant when she filled out the health questionnaire prior to the procedure," a second source reveals. "Her mom approved the injections and went through tons of red tape to get the clinic to administer them to an underage patient."

Moms-to-be are advised against the procedure.

To say the least! Still, at least newborn daughter Maddie has (forcibly) learned a Spears family tradition early on: gorge on all the pre-natal Cheetos you want, then eliminate them not through diet or exercise but through Dr. Bashir. Foolproof strategy, y'all!

[Photo Credit: AP]

• Jamie Lynn's Secret Plastic Surgery [Star]

1. Just how many girls does Britney know who have shaved their head? When asked by an overly solicitous, never-seen interviewer why she had gone to Tarzana to shave her head, Britney began what would become her usual pattern: instead of giving the obvious answer (typically, "Dude, drugs"), she uttered an even weirder non-answer. "People shave their heads every day," she explained. Yes, but women typically don't, unless they're Sinead O'Connor, or they have crash-landed on a lice-infested prison planet with an alien in tow. Instead of rebutting her, the interviewer asked, "Why didn't you tell anyone you were going to do it?" as though Brit-Brit had placed it in her appointment book five weeks prior. We think they all found out about it PDQ, homes!

2. Really? No mention of Sam Lutfi or Adnan Ghalib? The documentary effectively made constant attention from the paparazzi seem both terrifying and awful. So, you know, why did Britney date one? Alas, in this special produced by her manager, she never once uttered the names of Adnan Ghalib and her sedative-dispensing Svengali, Sam Lutfi. Even K-Fed barely rated, earning only one actual mention.

3. Where was Britney's mom, Lynne Spears? Though Britney's father figured heavily into the documentary, cooking his daughter cheese grits and patiently enduring her never-ending slams of him (while thinking, "She's my cash cow. Don't talk back!"), mama Lynne was nowhere to be seen. Was she taking care of a similarly M.I.A. Jamie Lynn, or was the special taped during her "How I Fucked Up My Kids" book tour?

4. What was up with Madonna's face? Late in the documentary, Madonna appeared to subtly woo Britney into a better, more spiritual, more Kabbalah-friendly-if-that's-what-you're-into-and-I-can-give-you-the-books way of life. Sadly, we were too distracted by the Material Girl's face, which appeared to be coated with a lower-jaw CG mist not sighted since Kim Catrall swanned her way through the Sex and the City movie.

5. Did Britney don a beret and then pronounce it "buh-rette"? As tickled as we were by what appeared to be an unwitting, on-camera homage to the famous "Ver-sayce" line from Showgirls, a second viewing reminded us that Britney was probably drawling a command to her assistant, Brett. Narrowly avoided, Spears. We'll meet again.

You and Jamie Lynn got some negative press when she got pregnant so young. But more recently, 17-year-old Bristol Palin, and her mother, Sarah Palin, the Republican vice presidential candidate, found themselves in a similar situation. And the public reaction has been different.
It's a totally different reaction. It's as if [Sarah Palin] became celebrated. I mean, the mother, Palin, was celebrated for this. Every woman in the world has applauded her strength and her convictions and poor little old Jamie Lynn — you saw how she was crucified. Everybody did, firsthand ... I just feel like it's been a very hypocritical situation.

Indeed it has! Why, Lynne merely pushed her daughter into a soul-sucking life of show business, not a hastily arranged, RNC-preserving engagement to her child's father! Yes, Jamie Lynn has proved a bit more profitable than that lazy Alaskan Bristol, but does that mean that poor Lynne should have to suffer for it? Won't anybody think of the stage mothers?

• Grandmother Spears Speaks Out [Newsweek]

For months, rumors have circulated that Casey Aldridge has cheated on Jamie Lynn — but no one has come forward to confirm them, until now. In an exclusive interview with In Touch, 28-year-old Kelli Dawson reveals that she and Casey, 19, were romantically involved — and were still sleeping together when Jamie Lynn, now 17, was six months pregnant with his child.

The pair didn’t bother to hide their relationship. “Kelli and Casey have been a couple on and off for a few years,” confirms Jason Alexander, Britney Spears’ first husband and a native of nearby Kentwood, La. “They were a really tight couple, but I think it was hard for Kelli, having Jamie Lynn in the picture.”

Britney's first, daylong husband? Now that's sourcing! In the face of this incontrovertible evidence, Jamie Lynn would be well advised to take a page from her mother's Guide to Fucking Up Your Children (specifically, Page 119): "Now that the first potential husband is dispensed with, enjoy a wider pool of adventures that involves paparazzi, backup dancers, and Cheeto-covered, high-thread-count sheets."

• Jamie Lynn Spears is betrayed [InTouch]

Then we saw the pictures. And the bag of Cheetos.

Britney, Britney, Britney. Shouldn't you know by now that you've become so associated with a white-trash, Cheetos-chomping image that the last thing you should do is give the snack food priority placement during your comeback photoshoot?

At least Spears evinced a semblance of self-awareness when she vetoed the idea that her children might follow her into the entertainment industry. Says OK!:

Perhaps some of Britney's reluctance comes from seeing her little sister, Jamie Lynn Spears, have to face so much public scrutiny over her recent pregnancy. "I was shocked a little bit," says Brit. "She’s always been the baby, and now the baby was having a baby. It was mind-boggling."

Though Britney may have been shocked by her sister's pregnancy, she soon came around after reading the galleys from her mother's upcoming book, The Lynne Spears Guide to Fucking Up Your Children. After reading Chapter 10 ("Babies Having Babies Having Increased Earning Potential"), Brit-Brit kicked up her feet and opened a brand-new, celebratory bag of Cheetos Cracker Trax.

• World Exclusive: Britney Reveals All! [OK!]

According to the publisher Thomas Nelson — a publisher of inspirational books and Bibles — the book will take readers "beyond the reach of the paparazzi and outside the narrow orbit of the Hollywood glitterati to share the inside story of the Spears family-as only a mother can tell it."

Topics she discusses include:
- Her regret in abdicating parental authority to managers, agents and record companies
- Her response to Jamie Lynn's teen pregnancy
- The startling events that led to Britney's meltdown and Lynne's showdown with manager Sam Lufti

Other topics include:
- Her startling response to discovering that Fred Segal closes at 7pm
- How to get the most from your daughter's checkbook
- Sartorial choices: dressing like a slutty tween at age 53

Best of luck, Lynn — though we would have stuck with your original title: Drink, Play, F@#K. Sometimes you have to go high-concept.

• Lynne Spears' Book Hits Shelves in September [Star Magazine]

Us
This cover, showing a beaming Michelle and Barack Obama emblazoned with the words "Why Barack Loves Her," is perhaps part of the subtle image makeover we referred to earlier. Us seems very concerned with portraying the clearly awesome Michelle as a non-threatening soccer mom, and more importantly, differentiating her from Hillary. Says a friend: "[Michelle] is not the least bit interested in being a co-president or participating in policy decisions…Her first priority as a first lady would be that the girls are OK, and to continue to be the outstanding mother that she is." We always go straight to Us for astute political coverage. In other news, Hollywood wags think Katherine Heigl's career will be fine despite her ankling the Emmys. Pam Anderson and Tommy Lee are back together for the umpteenth time. They're like Bobby and Whitney but with exponentially more body modification. Finally, here's some news for all the hipsters out there: supermodel Helena Christensen has been "cozying up" to Interpol lead singer Paul Banks for over six months!
Grade: C (a timeshare in Cleveland)
In Touch
Rut roh! Angelina and Brad's CRISIS AT HOME in huge pink letters! They have a lot of babies, it's exhausting, it's possibly pulling them apart, and so on, and so forth. The only good part of this four page spread is the sidebar where Dr. Drew gives Angelina the business about her whole Mother Theresa routine. "I've never seen anyone remit heroin completely," Dr. Drew said. "Is she in recovery? If she's in recovery, I don't seen any evidence of it, because people in recovery invest themselves in simple, selfless acts of service, not global self-serving acts." Burn!!! On to matters of life and death: Did Mariah Carey have plastic surgery? Survey says: Probs. Her yo-yo dieting is well known and after her most recent weight loss, she has mysterious, Tara Reid-reminiscent ripples on her tummy. The liposuction of Mimi! Bret Michaels bonded with Sherri Shepherd when he went on The View because they both have diabeetus, but he wants to do it with Elisabeth Hasselbeck. "Barbara Walters was pretty hot," Bret admitted, "but Elisabeth Hasslebeck and me, I'm just telling her, if her husband ever falls out of the picture…" Scariest tabloid news of the week: Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt spent $10,000 on guns because Spencer wants to be "prepared for anything." Can't wait for the Branch Davidianish FBI raid on the Speidi compound…
Grade: C+ (an unheated shack on the coast of Maine)
Star
More Brangelina business. Angie has panic attacks due to the stress of her pregnancy and Shiloh's terrible twos. Apparently she's worried about how she's going to handle "two more needy little ones in an already chaotic household." Uh, probably with the army of nannies she already employs. Miley Cyrus reportedly gets thousands of love letters from prisoners, "who claim they've taped her picture up in their cells." Creepy to the max!! Was Matthew McConaughey macking on strange ladies during a recent trip to Nicaragua while his super-pregs girlfriend Camilla Alves languished at home? If the photos are any indication (see Fig. A below), the answer is yes. An amused onlooker tells Star, "He grabbed the DJ's microphone, crawled onto a table and screamed 'I lost my flip-flops!' in broken Spanish!" Britney and Jamie Lynn are none too pleased about mom Lynne's forthcoming memoir, Through The Storm: A Real Story of Fame and Family in a Tabloid World, which includes such revelations as Britney bit her nails as a kid. Shocking! And lastly, Jen wants boyfriend of thirty seconds John Mayer to marry her, but he's not down. Hmm, sounds dubious.
Grade: D+ (a metal trailer in Death Valley)
Ok!
Jeebus. Even more Angelina news. This time she's not stressed. In fact, she's so into all her babies, Ok! says, she's looking to adopt another boy. She'll get the lucky young tyke from the same Ethiopian orphanage where she found wee Zahara. Ange wants to "balance the races" in her household and since Maddox has Pax, now it's "Z's turn." Speaking of babies, Britney will charter a jet to Kentwood, Louisiana, the second lil' sis Jamie goes into labor. There are rumblings that Prince William and on-again, off-again flame Kate Middleton will be married next summer. Why did Anne Hathaway stay with scuzzy Raffaello Follieri for so long? Because he's a baaaad boy, of course. "[Women] believe that if we are wonderful enough, beautiful enough or sexy enough, we will cure them of their bad ways, and make ourselves all the more beautiful," Dr. Jenn Berman tells Ok!. Ugh. In other douche-dating news, David Spade says "girls date me because I'm normal." Good to know.
Grade: D- (a motel room on Three Mile Island)


Life & Style
Just when you thought she was getting better, L&S dredges up some old dirt: Britney tried to off herself twice, says a new book. Ian Halperin, an investigative journalist who is writing a bio of Brit tells L&S, "I can't divulge too much, but I will say the suicide attempts are true. I know all the details of both of them>" The book is also about how "sleazy and destructive" her handlers were, and how Britney is obsessed with Marilyn Monroe's tragic fate. The formerly self-destructive Nicole Richie is "back to her old ways" and is losing weight. She and Joel madden are fighting a lot and she's stressed out by baby Harlow. Unlike Nicole Richie, another Nicole (Kidman) is trying to gain weight. She thinks her baby bump is too small and wishes it were bigger. She also wishes that her jugs were bigger. Are Mariah and Nick already on the rocks? "I give the marriage six months, tops," says an insider.
Grade: D- (a teepee in Chernobyl)
Fig. A:

While thirty guests were reported to have been invited, the paparazzi which "circled around the house and also in helicopters" were not. But, as we know by now, anywhere Britney goes, helicopters and police will follow. And although father and Britney's official off-site prison guard Jamie Spears was present, People doesn't mention matriarch Lynne Spears among the small group of ladies-only invitees. We can only assume The Package and the grandmother-to-be are going through yet another one of their messy patches.

[Photo credits: Splash, X17]

• BRITNEY HELPS JAMIE LYNN CELEBRATE BABY SHOWER [People]

"The guy she hit...says before the accident, he was admiring the white Mercedes and the woman putting on makeup while driving it. It wasn't until after she hit him at an estimated 10-15 MPH that he realized the woman was Britney."

So did Saturday night's fender bender mark the return of The Package? Or did Britney's car just tap the one in front of her, but her celeb status led to mountains being made out of molehills? Taking into account the fact that the accident occurred on a Saturday night in "stop and go traffic," plus the minor speed with which Spears' Mercedes was traveling, we're giving Britney the benefit of the doubt. Also, the guy driving the Nissan has no injuries (his back hurts, though!) Our only concern is in regards to Britney's behavior at the scene: the star reportedly "giggled" while performing her sobriety test. Funny!

[Photo credit: X17]

• BRITNEY HAD COSMETIC DAMAGE BEFORE CRASH [TMZ]
• BRITNEY SPEARS IN MINOR HIGHWAY ACCIDENT [People]

7:30pm: Britney's new shrink visits Britney with Lynne Spears in tow, launching rumors (as reported by Page Six) that he rushed to her house because she'd attempted to commit suicide (these rumors have since been debunked.)
11pm: The LAPD arrive at Britney's mansion. Police were reportedly instructed to refer to Britney as "The Package."
12am: Ambulances arrive to transport Britney, once again strapped into a gurney, to UCLA Medical Center.
2am: Just like in GurneyGate 1.0, Britney is held at the hospital on yet another 5150-Crazycakes-Alert.
4am: After doctors' examinations, the LAPD confirms to TMZ that Britney has been ordered to remain in the hospital for a "three day psychiatric hold" under supervision. But in the same breath, TMZ reports that the stay will likely to be extended to 14 days.
5am: US Weekly issues a report that Spears hasn't slept since Saturday, adding substance to the shrink's quick decision to send her to the hospital ASAP.

Phew. Did you get all that?

[Photo Credit: X17]

• HOW BRITNEY'S SECOND PSYCHIATRIC HOLD WENT DOWN [TMZ]

Adnan via text: "Cool?"
Lufti: "No, she's with doctor now. You're a manic trigger. If you continue to have any contact with him, you'll kill her. Its your decision. You need to cease all contact with her completely. I've tried to work with you helping her but you didn't do as asked. only way to help now is to disappear. She's never been this way befor [sic]"

According to TMZ, Mama and Papa Spears showed up as part of an organized "creative intervention," which stemmed from worries that their daughter's bipolar disorder was getting out of hand (ya think?). As for Lufti v. Adnan, Lufti allegedly made the initial decision to prevent Adnan from entering Brit's house, leading Adnan to try calling "all six" of her cell phones, to no avail. Then, after Britney escaped the scene, Adnan was supposedly seen driving 100 mph down an LA freeway en route to Ralph's (where else?) with Brit in the passenger seat. Last parting words between Lufti and Brit? "Go fuck your paparazzi boyfriend!"

Phew! That was a handful. Is it just us, or should this tragidramedy be right up there with Atonement on the Academy's list? Think about it, there's even a cameo by a Yorkshire terrier named London! Not even Jean-Claude Carriere could dream up this level of insanity. Here's that video we promised.

• *~*Britney Tears 08*~* Vol. 2 [Oh No They Didn't]

Having dutifully knocked herself up at the age of 16, and delicately broken the not-so-OK news on the cover of OK!, it seemed to us that the younger Spears had truly gone the distance towards achieving autonomous scandal-tinged notoriety, and that neither would ultimately benefit from a tabloid-craving tournament of sisterly one-upsmanship. Nevertheless, Jamie Lynn has reemerged on cue for the first time since the news broke in these exclusive photos from PageSix.com: Accompanied by stage mom war horse Lynne Spears, Jamie is pictured outfitted in the latest in Ole Miss-branded urban maternitywear, and carries a GED test book, proving that despite added pressures, she's fully committed to completing her home-high-schooled education. If not for her, then for the little one on the way.

• EXCLUSIVE: First Pictures of Pregnant Jamie Lynn [PageSix.com]
• K-Fed's call to cops: 'Britney's got a gun' [News of the World]

"Extra" has learned that although Lynne Spears' parenting book has been postponed, the publishers announced today that she is still moving forward with the story. In addition, Thomas Nelson, Inc. is insisting that the book is not a manual on how to parent: It's a warning.

"From the onset, the media have inaccurately reported that Lynne Spears' book is a parenting book. I'm sure this helps fuel tabloid readership, but it's simply not true," said Michael S. Hyatt, president and CEO of Thomas Nelson. "Lynne's memoir will provide a window into the real-life world of fame and worldly success, including the toll it extracts from some who aspire to it. It will provide a much-needed corrective to a world obsessed with the wrong priorities."

He added, "We believe in redemption. Therefore, we are standing by Lynne and her family during this difficult time."

The book, What to Expect When the Teenage Daughter You Pimped Out to the Fame Machine After the Other One Stopped Talking to You is Expecting, should arrive on store shelves by Spring 2008, just in time for a new generation of budding pageant moms to learn how to avoid seeing their own aspiring National Tiny Miss Beauty crown wearers disqualified for sporting visible baby-bump during the swimwear competition.

• Lynne Spears Still Moving Forward with Book [ExtraTV.com]