Ron Burkle: Our tipster reports: "Ronny Burkle was lurking around the William Rast show last night with his pal Danny A. (Model wrangler extraordinaire who is BFF with Leo DiCaprio. Danny A. is the guy who is mostly responsible for filling Burkle's jet with attractive females.) A cloud of around 15 teenage girls swarmed Justin Timberlake (Rast is his label) as he left the show; I can't imagine Burkle was far behind." Yea, if he looked more dashing he might be able to get away with it. But that ratlike visage just sinks him. Give it up, Burkle.


Bill Clinton: You need to stop hanging out with Ron Burkle first of all, Bill! Even a serious Bill fan who considered the whole blowjob-in-the-Oval-Office thing to be really punk rock has got to admit that the time has come for Bill to retire from skirt chasing. (Not that there's any proof he still is!). Now you can enjoy sleeping with the Secretary of State, Bill. Can we call you Bill?


Steve Bing: Real estate heir, big time developer, Hollywood money man, Burkle and Clinton pal. He's 43 and he fathered a baby with Elizabeth Hurley out of wedlock. And he had another paternity battle with his other ex, who was Kirk Kerkorian's gal! All we're saying here is find a nice lady and settle down for fuck's sake. This Burkle-led triumvirate has spent more than enough time being the old dudes up in the club.


Mario Batali: The portly ginger-haired restaurateur enjoys whizzing around on his moped, wearing Crocs, manipulating salamis, traveling about Spain with Gwyneth Paltrow, and doing who knows what to young lasses in the back rooms of restaurants across Manhattan. We like your Olive Oil Ice Cream dude, but you're almost 50, and we just don't want to think about Mario Batali's sexuality. That's all there is to it really.


Ron Perelman: The bald-headed corporate raider is thrice-divorced, richer than god, and prone to playing the field, as many billionaires are. We don't like your looks, your gruff personality, or your shady PR firm, Perelman. When you next get married, consider very carefully whether you would like to stay married to said lucky woman.


But we do like:

Salman Rushdie: Yes, he could be accused of being a creepy old man, what with his hobbit physique and penchant for dating women absurdly out of his league (you would think, at least). But give the man his props. He writes some bitchin' books. Stares down death threats. Then goes out with Padma and, currently, with Pia Glenn, who we saw in Will Ferrell's Broadway show and, we must say, does one mean dance. So Salman Rushdie can't be put down. He's smarter than all the guys above and cavorts with badder women.

The talk show host attempted to extract a veritable personal ad from Hathaway (must love getting shitfaced and "processed metaphysics"!) on her show today, though her prey put up a fight:

"If you need someone, I will find you a boyfriend," the TV host tells the Bride Wars star on the Ellen DeGeneres Show to air Thursday. "I'm really good at it."

"Did you see how nervous I just got?" responds Hathaway.

"You don't even have to date," advises DeGeneres, who herself is married, to Portia de Rossi. "You can straight to commitment." [...]

In terms of what she's now looking for in a guy, "At this point I would just like him to be law abiding," says Hathaway.

We're afraid that the newly insistent DeGeneres is merely giving the anti-gay marriage foes more grist for the mill; imagine an ad where a happy, beaming Mormon explains, "I have lots of gay friends! I just don't want them to become smug marrieds."

• Ellen DeGeneres to Find Mr. Right for Anne Hathaway [People]

On today's show, she attempted to force Jim Carrey into proposing to his lhasa apso-haired sweetheart Jenny McCarthy before the audience realized it was just another one of her weird charity ruses. But do you know why everyone was fooled? Because she does this shit all the time now! Whether she's attempting to set up Jennifer Aniston with Shemar Moore or telling Ryan Seacrest he should ask Eva Mendes out (something the actress's longtime boyfriend would no doubt appreciate), DeGeneres has now become that obnoxious married person that won't settle down until she has coupled up all of her friends. Ellen, we don't care what celebrities do behind closed doors. We just can't stand it when you keep pushing it in our faces.

• Ellen

I do not give a fuck what Jennifer Aniston does with her life. I don't think that she needs a husband and a baby, that she will never be content unless she finds love. But! I do think that someone somewhere does think that. If not about Jennifer Aniston then about themselves. And I think poor Jen has become the receptacle for all the single-girl insecurities. She's got gobs of money, a fit body, great hair and possibly, a skilled cosmetic surgeon. Some women seem to think, "If she can't find love, what hope is there for me?"

And not only does Jen represent the fears single women have about themselves, she embodies the irrational terror the rest of the world has about single women. Despite the fact that she has never made any comments supporting these facts, she is painted in the press as a "high-maintenance, desperate, wannabe bridezilla who'd poke holes in your condom with a pin as soon as look at you." (Ms. Hudson's words.) How did it come to this? And why does Ms. Hudson hold us accountable? Plenty of celebrities find love — in as much as two self-obsessed shallow people can love each other. But if Jennifer Aniston really wanted to dedicate herself to getting hitched, she would probably stop dating celebrities. There must be some independently wealthy businessdude out there (that way she knows he's not after her dough) whom she could date. But the truth is, she may not want a husband and a baby. She may want to shag Brad Pitt, models and rock musicians and move right along. Why do people care so much?

We've Made Jennifer Aniston's Love Life The Pitts [Mirror]

"I hope I don't become a cougar anytime soon," she adds with a laugh. "I throw out all my animal-print dresses recently out of fear of exactly that!"

But she's still got issues. Maybe she was looking for a grandfather figure?

The Odd Couple [Marie Claire]

We picked up the phone and called Jack, who had this to say:

"It's very baby steps. I really like him a lot. And geography is a bit of an issue, but we'll see where it goes. I like him a lot. I assume he likes me a lot. Unless he's lying...(laughter)... He's adorable. I like keeping it incestuous, keep it in the Bravo family."

SO we immediately had to call Dale, who told us,

"Yeah, we randomly met over Myspace. And then we bumped into each other at the OUT100 party and clicked. He's hilarious. We're just gonna roll with it and see what happens. And he's cute as %&#@. We have the same sense of humor. We giggle a lot, and you know, anytime you end up going through the Bravo-reality-show...we just looked at each other and said, 'yeah...'"

As Bravo's executive yenta Andy Cohen kvells until his head explodes from all the cross-promotional love in the air this Chrismukkah, let's take a moment to remember the millions of single Gays (and lightly delusional hags), whose weekly rendezvous with either of the two Fantasy Boyfriend templates—Dale (bearishly Semitic with a touch-of-danger mohawk), and Jack (WASPy, gymtastic body, with a touch-of-danger elbow tattoo)—was the closest thing any of them had to an intimate relationship. Still, that photo is the cutest thing we've seen since injured baby hedgehogs, rendering us incapable of wishing the two anything but many happy years and Chinese girl babies together.

• Jack and Dale: Dating [blogs.outzonetv.com]