Mad Men
Returns August 16 [AMC]
Yes, that means you only have six days to watch the DVDs of the first two seasons of the show that you've been telling everyone you already watch, even though you don't. You better get hip with Don Draper or else everyone is going to laugh at you.

Top Chef
Returns August 19 [Bravo]
Well, if Bravo can't have a whole show with hot skinny models in crazy dresses, at least they can have Padma Lakshmi when she returns with her cavalcade of chefs who will call each other names and cook up a bunch of shit that would taste better than the mac 'n' cheese from a box you eat while watching.

Project Runway
Returns August 20 [Lifetime]
With the switch in networks, this show is now officially for women (and gay men). The premiere kicks off with an all-star edition and then there is a show about the models directly afterward. After that, probably Golden Girls reruns or some shit.

Melrose Place
Starts September 8 [CW]
Just in time to make us feel old, the '90s are back—and so are Jo, Michael, Jane, and Syndey! Ashlee Simpson is sure to blow this place up. Literally! She'll probably be planting a bomb in the first episode. Oh Melrose, we missed you.

America's Next Top Model
Returns September 9 [CW]
Though Tyra insists on calling it a "cycle" she's back with a whole new batch of bitches. Even if you ignore the rest of the season, tune in for the premiere, just to see what sort of drag queen madness Tyraparades around in. It always looks like the world's biggest budget public access show.

Glee
Starts September 9 [Fox]
You saw the pilot way back in May and there are already new musical numbers. It's like this high-school-musical-theater-nerd dramedy has been here all along. This is either the next Cop Rock or the next My So-Called Life, so catch the early episodes.

Vampire Diaries
Starts September 10 [CW]
Ok, you have have to watch this because vampires are so hot right now and if you don't, 14 year-old girls will mock you. This is the CW show about teenagers who stay up all night because they're undead, not because they're coked up at Butter.

Gossip Girl
Returns September 14 [CW]
You'd think that now that everyone made it to college they'd change. But watch the new promo. Blair gets bitchy, Chuck gets laid, Serena gets naked, Dan gets clueless, Vanessa gets ignored. Some things never change.

The Office
Returns September 17 [NBC]
What's up with Jim and Pam? We gave up. We'd much rather just watch Steve Carell make an ass of himself.

30 Rock
Returns October 15 [NBC]
NBC is so mean! Why is they going to make us wait until October for new episodes? We would boycott if we could survive without Tina Fey and her tiny little glasses. You will not laugh at anything on television until then. Sorry.

Lost
Early 2010 [ABC]
What, they can't set a date? Does everything with this show have to be a fucking mystery?

1. In the nerd equivalent of heaven, James Cameron and Peter Jackson attended their first Comic-Con, and did a panel together where they talk about the future of film-making and Jackson reveals that a script for The Hobbit, his Lord of the Rings prequel, will be finished in a month. [Zap2It]

2. Lost isn't known for parting with information easily, but they did have some good tidbits at their panel. Characters Juliet and Daniel Faraday will be back for the final season. Also in season six: no more time travel, the return of Charlie and Boone, the backstory for the enigmatic Richard Alpert, and some allusions to what may be alternate timelines. Damn, that shit makes our brain hurt. [EOnline]

3. Warner Bros. tried to roll out the new Patricia Heaton comedy The Middle at their Mom-A-Con. No one showed for the counter programming. Everyone said, "Mom, stop embarrasing me!" [THRFeed]

4. Hayden Panettiere is going to get some girl-on-girl action for the new season of Heroes. Yeah, cause that is what is going to fix this show. [io9]

5. Two scenes from the upcoming Twilight sequel, New Moon, were screened. Lots of girls screamed. [CelebrityCafe]

6. Iron Man 2 is going to fucking rule. Fans were excited by footage that shows Samuel L. Jackson's return as Nick Fury, Mickey Rourke playing new villain Whiplash, and a bunch of awesome special effects. Robert Downey Jr, director Jon Favreau, and new additions Scarlett Johannson (who plays sexy spy Black Widow) and Don Cheadle (replacing Terrence Howard) were all in attendance. That's either an A-List Comic-Con panel or a night at The Waverly Inn. [EW]

7. Ok, Iron Man gets two entries because the sequel is laying the foundation for Marvel's much anticipated (among comic geeks) Avengers movie (not the crappy Uma Thurmond one, this one has Captain American and shit). [EOnline]

8. We haven't seen the last of Battlestar Galactica, Edward James Olmos' career to continue. [io9]

9. You're probably not going to see Family Guy's "Abortion Episode," at least on the air, but it will probably be on DVD. What? Fox suddenly has standards? [LAT]

10. Alien invasion drama Vis back and the geeks love it. Is there anything left from the '80s for us to bring back? Alf, maybe? [THRFeed]

Curious about what people are watching online? I mean, you know it happens. You've seen it happen. You never thought it would happen to you, but then one day you find yourself in a fitful late-night stupor, devouring episode after bootlegged episode of Supernatural until you barely even recognize yourself anymore, and... Um. They're watching Lost, and Grey's Anatomy, and Gossip Girl mostly. Completely legally too! Lost, for example, accounts for a whopping 36 million video streams on ABC's website. That's a lotta nerdy grad students without regular TV catching up at the library. A lot. [Variety]

Terminator Salvation may have nuked the fridge (and, um, the rest of the world) in the US, but it's playing strongly—number onely!—over there in those countries where everyone's weird and isn't us. It made $46.1 million over the weekend, bringing its total international cume to a healthy $165.5 million. So fear, not McG fans! If you really, really want to see his next feature, all you have to do is go to China. Or, like, Finland or something. Those are basically the same, right? [THR]

Oh, good. CBS has ordered more episodes of I Get That a Lot, the hidden camera show in which smug celebrities pretend to be regular people who just look like they're Jessica Simpson and then in the end, oops! hahaha!, yes it is me oh golly no I'm not a regular like you, no I'm rich. So, bye! [Variety]

A young girl named Skyler Samuels has just been cast in the film Furry Vengeance. No, not the Furry Vengeance you're filming in your basement with your creepy neighbor Ruth and that Chuck E. Cheese costume you found out back behind the foreclosed mall on Route 11. I should hope that you don't have plans to cast a young girl in that kind of film. No, this is with Brendan Fraser and involves angry CGI animals or something. Oh, and, while I've got you: Tell Ruth that Dr. Mendev called and her 'treatment' is scheduled for Thursday at 11. He said she needs to wear 'loose pants.' [THR]

Christine Jeffs, who directed Little Miss Dead People, has signed on to steer the movie Wonderful Tonight. It is a film about a lothario and the young girl he meets, knocks up, and falls in love with. Basically it's about your friend Scott, except it takes place somewhere indie and cutesy rather than Tampa. Oh, and in this one he falls in love with her, instead of fleeing madly in the middle of the night. [Variety]

Canadian TV now has a show called Conviction Kitchen, about a fancy Toronto restaurant (they have tablecloths and American Ketchup!) that hires ex-cons with no food experience to cook behind the line. The series will end after an unfortunate incident involving an ex-con named Bricks, a horrified old dowager, and the restaurant owner screaming "No, Bricks! No! It's Broccoli raBe, raBe! With a B!!" [THR]

"I cannot look at Matthew Fox… We cannot keep a straight face." Since the show is shot in Hawaii, outside of the L.A. "scene," Jorge says he thinks of Lost "a show that just me and my friends do out in the jungle." He also said sometimes the cast will be distracted by whales or seals when filming (he totally used the word pinniped!). Jorge is an avid gardener, and showed Bonnie pictures of his heirloom tomatoes and his "salad bar." In addition to having a green thumb, Jorge is also crafty; he loves making Halloween costumes and has been an oyster and a fish in a fishtank. Verdict: He is awesome. Clip above.

Here are a few hints: Yes, that three-inch corpse bride in the center is supposed to be Evangeline Lilly. As for which one is Nestor Carbonell, just look for the faintest hint of chocolate eyeliner. [Scanned from TV Guide by DarkUFO, via Videogum]

· On the Anna Nicole opera: "It is not going to be tawdry, it is going to be witty, clever, thoughtful and sad." Well, without even hearing a note, we can definitely say they've not remotely captured Anna Nicole. [LAT]
· Guess who's having the hottest Oscars after-after-party for the second year in a row? That's right: Indecipherable Unisex Symbol! Awooooooooo-ah! Hundalasiliah!
· "You're not my mummy: Mother's makeover on This Morning reduces baby son to tears" [Daily Mail]
· Here's a slideshow of disgraced celebrity pitchmen and women. Ah, yes...Phelps, Vick, Stone...they're all here.

Unglimpsed since a brief cameo last season (and inconsolable now that its partner in smoky crime, Katherine Heigl, is leaving ABC), the monster bounded out of the jungle to love up on all the surprisingly hot Frenchies in Rousseau's science expedition. Sadly, after an unrequited embrace with Nadine went awry, the monster switch-hit (they're French, so it's OK) and went after Cam Gigandet clone Montand, dragging him to its secret lair to eat popcorn and watch the first season of Mad Men on DVD. Like all romantic pairings on Lost, this innocent plan ended in shouts, tears, and dismemberment. Happy Valentine's Day! [ABC]

Since the show just aired its fourth episode (out of a planned seventeen this season), you might expect a little bit of light teasing about the next episode (hey! Jin is back) or mayyyybe some vague, long-range plans for the next few. Abruptly, though (and with nary a spoiler warning to be seen), the article's first paragraph reveals major spoilers about the show's twelfth episode, including the fates of many characters currently in limbo, including one who was just shown to be slowly dying.

So you know, that's kind of weird. But if that weren't enough, the print version of the story also runs publicity stills from episodes way, way down the line that spoil which characters make it back to the island as well as what (and when) they're up to. Since the question of whether the Oceanic Six will make it back there is, according to the article, the main thrust of the next several episodes, it's a little odd that the same magazine would casually reveal exactly which characters do.

In a nutshell, then: the article is mega-spoilery with absolutely no warning. But at least the pictures are pretty!

Their evidence: His guylinered eyes. Videogum finds that sufficient. Case closed.

But wait—we also have the testimony of the accused, who was asked at TCA's Lost panel about whether or not he uses the product, to which he turned a bright shade of red and replied, "I most certainly do not use L'Oreal Voluminous Eyeliner Mistake-Proof Marker in Black Brown, or sometimes just plain Black if it's a dressier occasion—and I resent the implication that I do, sir. I. Said. Good. Day."

No just kidding. He said this to Sci Fi Wire:

At the TV Critics Association press tour, some reporters asked if you wore eyeliner, which Damon Lindelof and Carlton Cuse denied. What do you think of this?

Carbonell: My brother sent me this link about the TCA, where you guys were at. Someone had asked about whether I was wearing eyeliner. I think Carlton came to my defense, and he said, "He's 100 percent sans makeup" or something like that. I could see why some people would think I have eyeliner on because [my eyelashes] are dark. Especially the bottom row, they're pretty dark. I've been dealing with it since I was a little kid, and so to me it's very funny when it comes up, especially at TCA. My brother told me to look online and sort of Google something about that, and my name came up as a couple things. One of them was Maybelline Man. I've been dubbed by some people as Guyliner. It's very amusing.

Hmmm...Well, we're hardly the experts here. Ask us about wax-assisted monobrow division and we can spot a closet browclopse from 30 feet away. But guyliner? We'll leave that to the experts. Maybe it's just another one of those Lost island mysteries—like the disappearance of Jack's body hair—involving age-defying Richard Alpert getting a little too caught-up in the '80s goth movement on one of his many time-bending jaunts.

• What's up with Lost's Nestor Carbonell not aging? And the 'guyliner'? [SciFiWire.com via Paul Scheer]
• Seriously, Though, Nestor Carbonell Wears Eyeliner [Videogum]

That new episode was crammed full of solution-y backstory, as we got history on both the twitchy Faraday (Jeremy Davies) and Charles Widmore's history on the island. Still, one tantalizing strand was left without a bow tied on it: the identity of the above Ellie, a young British girl who Faraday seemed to recognize. At first, Ellie would seem to satisfy two niches already well-plugged on Lost island: she's yet another pinched blonde, as well as the show's umpteenth Brit. But then we remembered a totally random factoid from the pop-up recap: Ms. Hawking (Fionnula Flanagan), the cowl-clad time traveler who the show is heavily implying to be Faraday's mother, has the first name "Eloise." Might Faraday, then, be meeting his mother fifty years prior? Just make sure she doesn't get a look at your Calvin Kleins, my friend—that never goes well. [ABC]

Lost superfans though we may be, we thought the two-hour premiere was too heavy on the mythology and too light on the emotional stakes that Lost producers usually employ to make the expository medicine go down. Perhaps that's a consequence of the shift from intimate, first-person episodes to a more conventional (but still unconventionally Lost) cross-cutting TV drama structure. Still, there were a few other problems, like the head-scratching end-of-episode stings: the first hour ended with a decidedly underwhelming cry of "Oxford!" from Desmond, and the less said about the second hour finale (which appeared to take place in the Loom of Fate from Wanted), the better. Still, we're too addicted to kick the habit—especially when it produces such sweet highs as the above fight scene, in which Sayid finds a sharp new use for a household appliance. Take that, Jenny Lumet!

Andrews was warring with his ex Elena Eustache, with whom he previously shared custody of their three-year-old son Naveen Joshua. After Eustache took him out of Los Angeles County without permission, the two met up again in court, where Andrews won full custody. However, TMZ says that things get much weirder:

We're told Elena has alleged Naveen's girlfriend, Barbara Hershey, practices witchcraft and that Naveen and Hershey have poisoned the boy. In response, Wasser asked the judge to order Elena to undergo psychiatric testing.

Elena brought the boy to court. After the ruling, the bailiff took the boy from Elena and gave him to Naveen, who left the courthouse with Hershey.

Under the new order, the boy is allowed to travel to Hawaii where Naveen films "Lost". He can be accompanied either by Naveen or Hershey.

After the hearing, Elena told TMZ, "I can't believe celebrities and their money. They always get what they want."

Sorry, Elena: if there's anything we've learned from Lost, it's that babies rarely stay in the possession of their mothers. Better to have claimed instead that Naveen Jr. was actually sired by a frequently missing blond Australian girl (and that Barbara Hershey was a collagen-harvesting Other)—the Lostpedia laws offer some pretty sizable loopholes.

• "Lost" Star Battles Baby Mama and Gets Kid [TMZ]

Issued by ABC, they're meant to tout the upcoming season, provide hints about the mysterious Ajira Airways, and give overzealous college nerds something they can blow up to poster-size on their inkjets, then paste upon their dorm room walls. Haha, nerds. Don't you want to get laid? If so, send those posters where they belong: Defamer HQ.

• New Season 5 Official Posters [SL Lost]

(Don't worry. None of the links are spoilers. They all go to reference pages, to refresh your memory.)

Here's what we know:
Season 5 is about why people the who are off the island (the Oceanic Six: Jack, Kate, Sun, Aaron, Hurley, Sayid) need to get back. According to interviews with the show's writers, Carlton Cuse and Damon Lindelof, at the Lost panel at ComicCon 2008, the finale of season 4 was written as a pilot for season 5, which means that last season's finale is very important in setting up what will happen in season 5. The writers also said, in reference to characters, that "death is a relative term." Also, the notion of what is past, what is present, and what is future will change, which could mean that the guy who invented the Lost Time Loop Theory was right all along. Cuse and Lindelof also said that we won't know where or when anything takes place at the start of season 5.

Season will have 17 episodes. Here are the titles for the first 10:
1. Because You Left
2. The Lie
3. Jughead
4. The Little Prince
5. This Place Is Death
6. The Life and Death of Jeremy Bentham
7. 316
8. LeFleur
9. Namaste
10. He's Our You

Remember Jeremy Bentham? It was the name of the man in the obituary Jack was reading in the finale episode for season 3. Jack was the only person who went to the viewing and we later learned that the man in the coffin was John Locke. It hasn't yet been revealed why Locke used this alias, although the name reference is interesting, and gives us some clues. The real-life Jeremy Bentham was a philosopher born in the mid-18th century, known for his "advocacy of utilitarianism, a form of consequentialism, meaning that the moral worth of an action is determined by its outcome - the ends justify the means. Utilitarianism argued that the 'right' action or policy was that which would cause 'the greatest happiness of the greatest number.'" He argued that the "ability to suffer, not the ability to reason, must be the benchmark of how we treat other beings." That sounds a lot like Locke.

Anyway, here is some info on how Locke/Bentham ended up in that coffin:
Jeremy Bentham will die in a car crash.

Characters:
According to interviews with producers, Desmond — who's known for his mysterious ability to predict the future — will be one of the main focuses of this upcoming season:
What happened to him in prison will be explored. His relationship with Penny will also be a part of season 5.

There are also plans for Rousseau, the French woman who's been trapped on the island since 1988 and gave birth there, only to have her daughter Alex kidnapped by the Others.
We will get her back story, which will most likely revolve around what happened to her and her science team when they were first stranded on the island, since it's been confirmed that a "young Rousseau" has been cast for this season.
We will also find out what happened to Montand's arm. Montand was a member of Rousseau's science expedition, and she once briefly mentioned that he lost his arm.

As for Claire:
She will not be in any new scenes in season 5. Her contract has been put on hold because producers do not want her to appear until the 6th and final season, for which she's expected to have a big presence.

Christian (Claire and Jack's father, and Aaron's grandfather):
He'll be a series regular in season 5, even though he died before the plane crashed.

Daniel Faraday, the physicist who arrived on the island via helicopter last season (played by Jeremy Davies):
He, Charlotte and Miles will suffer nosebleeds and get the same sickness that Desmond had in season 4, which is an indication of time travel.

Ben:
It's revealed that he "had words" with the real Henry Gale, the man who landed on the island in a hot air balloon, and whose identity Ben stole in the first season when he infiltrated the crash survivors' camp. He told them that Henry Gale was dead when he found him.

Richard Alpert, one of the Hostiles:
His past will be revealed, and he will be featured prominently. We also will find out that he's very old (over 100), even though he doesn't seem to age.

Info on some other main characters:
Charlie, Ana-Lucia, and Mr. Eko will all return!
As will Libby. the only member of the main cast who was never given her own centric episode with more than one flashback. She is also the only main Flight-815er whose motives for going to Australia and boarding the flight have yet to be disclosed. The theory that she is one of the Others is "not barking up the wrong tree."

Radzinsky, the Dharma station worker who shot himself before Desmond arrived will make an appearance this season.

And a biggie:
Jin's not dead!

What Sawyer whispered in Kate's ear before he jumped out of the helicopter on the season 4 finale:
He wants Kate to find his daughter Clementine that he had with his old con partner Cassidy, and tell her what happened to him.

And finally:
In order for the Oceanic Six to get back to the island, they will have to travel to off-island Dharma stations. Also, in this season, there are no more flashbacks or flashforwards.

Here's a sneak peek at a full scene from the upcoming season, featuring Ben and Jack.

And here's a new trailer, released today:

Dexter, Friday Night Lights, Lost, Mad Men and The Wire occupy this year's dramatic category, with Lost filling in for 2008 retiree The Sopranos. (Dexter was the only one of the nominees to earn an episode nod as well.) In comedy, 30 Rock, Entourage, The Office, The Simpsons and Weeds earned nods, with the latter two filling in for HBO's Curb Your Enthusiasm and Flight of the Conchords, which return to the network next year. Emmy surprise Breaking Bad drew three nominations, including one for Best New Series, for which it'll compete against Fringe, In Treatment, Life on Mars and True Blood.

Pretty much all the late-night shows that get nominated for everything else were recognized today as well, with Conan, Letterman, Real Time, SNL, The Colbert Report and The Daily Show vying for Best Comedy/Variety Series. The awards will be announced Feb. 7; the full listing is available at the WGA's site. Good luck to all, and enjoy it while you can, Weeds.

• 2009 Writers Guild Awards [WGA]

• Josh Holloway Not so Cool in Water [Pacific News Coast]