Let's face it—we've all had better years. First Ledger. Then Loki. Now this. But tonight, we're going to ask you to forget all your troubles, forget all your cares, and instead let quintuple-threat host Hugh Jackman —acting, singing, dancing, improv-comedy and puppetry of penis, for those keeping score at home—whisk Oscars' legendary audience of one billion viewers (accurate to within plus-or-minus 989 million) to a happy place, if only for four interminable hours. Enough preamble! Let's get on with the show.

As always, updates will appear magically directly beneath us.

9:02 Okay, guys. That's that! I hope you had a good time. And I just want to thank you all for four amazing years at Defamer. It's been an experience I will never forget.

Abramovitch, out.

8:54 WINNER: BEST PICTURE, SLUMDOG MILLIONAIRE. We'll need an intern to confirm this, but we believe that's the brownest-looking Oscars stage we've ever seen. Fox spent their travel budget well—those smiling kids' faces are being beamed around the planet, and should be good for undoing some of that monkey-cartoon bad press. Right, Rupe?

8:52 Is it just us or is Spielberg styling his hair to look a bit like he's wearing Mickey Mouse ears now? Way to suck up to the new boss!

8:43 You bet your fucking ass I'm a Commie homo-loving son of a gun. WHOO! NO ON PROP 8! YES ON HARVEY MILK! YES ON SEAN PENN! YES ON VAN SANT! Dustin Lance Black's face says it all.

8:41 YAYYYYY. WINNER: SEAN PENN, MILK. We've never been happier to be wrong. Ugh, sorry Mick. That tiny Chihuahua tuxedo just got 300% sadder.

8:39 We are genuinely in suspense for the first time in three-and-three-quarters hours. CALL IT. NOW. WHO? UGGGGGGH WHOOOOOO. We say Mickey. There. It's locked in, Regis.

8:32 This is Kate's moment. In the coming days, this speech will be dissected and overanalyzed, but after one listen, we're going to give her high marks for keeping it together, seemingly genuinely humbled, and not making it all about herself. And only two bad jokes—the "well, it's not a shampoo bottle, now!" crack (and actually, it is—go ahead, unscrew Oscar's head, Kate. Garnier Fructis) and the Meryl Streep "suck it up, Meryl—you know it's true" goddess line. In fact, can we retire the word "goddess" from award ceremonies forever? We'll literally take anything else. "Lunchlady." That works. "Look at you all—I just can't believe I'm the company of five lunchladies like yourselves. I'm not worthy." Yeah, that works.

8:28 Winner: BEST ACTRESS, KATE WINSLET. As the audience leaps to their feet, Angelina Jolie orders an unconscious Brad Pitt to "stand up."

HarveyScoreBoardWatch: 2 for 7.

8:23 The ActorTron 2000 spits out five more amazingly well-preserved Academy Award winners. Marion Cotillard decides to forgo the prepared statements about Kate Winslet, instead choosing to express her awe with her contemporary's gifts by luring a young goat onto the stage by rope, slitting its throat, and letting its sacrificial blood drench the intimately placed front row.

8:19 Jerri Blank says: "I got something to say. I've got something to say. BEST DIRECTOR, DANNY BOYLE, SLUMDOG MILLIONAIRE." David Fincher punches a seat-filler in the chest out of excitement for his lauded peer. Boyle's boyish enthusiasm is infectious, even when he spaced on crediting his choreographer. Oops!

8:16 Apparently Reese Witherspoon was mugged by Jerri Blank backstage, who then slipped into her gown and trotted out to announce the Best Director nominees.

8:09 The In Memoriam segment finally enters the HD era. We begin with Cyd Charisse—begin scoring your 'In Memoriam' Oscar Montage Pool accordingly. The Grieve-O-Meter seems to be functioning, with the needle flipping right towards the end with Sydney Pollack, Paul Newman. WHERE'S HEATH? He was squeezed in last year, but is there some Academy law about not double-dipping? He died in January 22, 2008. Also—no George Carlin. And Charlton Heston barely registered with the audience.

But wait—no George Carlin?! That's an outrage! Oscar controversy!!!

8:04 Can we just say the Japanese directors are totally stealing the show? Even if they don't quote Styx. In the evening's first upset (sort of—we're trying to keep this interesting), BEST FOREIGN FILM goes to DEPARTURES, not Waltz with Bashir.

8:02 Hugh Jackman reappears after a one-hour break. (Apparently he refused to leave his dressing room when he was informed by producers he couldn't be incorporated into the "Jai-Ho" choreographed narrative.)

7:55 John Legend performs Peter Gabriel's "Down to Earth" (Gabriel refused to perform an excerpt), and the Academy Bolly-Hop Dancers come out for some fierce backup on Rahman's "Jai-Ho," his second win for BEST SONG. Rahman is totally this year's Three 6 Mafia. Let's hope he doesn't spend the rest of the night dry-humping Paris Hilton at Prince's after-after-party.

7:49 An insomnia-curing medley of best scores results in WINNER, SLUMDOG MILLIONAIRE's A.R. Rahman bringing down the house with a prepared bit about his wife, followed by a slow burn that would make Jack Benny envious. Just kidding—that was really awkward. Rahman redeems himself by throwing off his Nehru jacket, displaying a surprisingly ripped physique, and launching into song.

7:39 Eddie Murphy mends fences with the Academy long enough to speed-read through his presentation of the Jean Hersholt Humanitarian Award to Jerry Lewis. Jerry offers his breathless thanks, and manages to leave without turning to a band member on the stage to ask him how his "faygeleh son is doing in nursing school."

7:32 WINNER: BEST EDITING, SLUMDOG MILLIONAIRE, bringing its total to three. We hope that's the last we'll see of Will, but there's always the chance he might show up in an ad for Jimmy Kimmel Live!.

7:20 An well-Jheri curled Will Smith appears to present the technical awards. WINNERS: ACHIEVEMENT IN VISUAL EFFECTS, BENJAMIN BUTTON. SOUND EDITING, THE DARK KNIGHT. SOUND MIXING, SLUMDOG MILLIONAIRE.

7:12 WINNER: BEST DOCUMENTARY, MAN ON WIRE. Tightrope-walker extraordinaire Philippe Petit genuinely thrills the audience by balancing his overturned Oscar on his chin—a feat he'll later recreate at the Governor's Ball using Jeffrey Katzenberg.

7:09 Werner Herzog prevents the Documentary Yearbook from getting too maudlin, ending a trenchant observation about the power of non-fiction films to change the world by holding two thumbs up and shouting, "And check out Bad Lieutenant when it comes out—if you love action, it's gonna blow your mind!"

7:08 WINNER: BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR, HEATH LEDGER, THE DARK KNIGHT. Phew.

7:07 The reverent speeches for Best Supporting Actor take an uncomfortable turn when Cuba Gooding Jr., currently finishing up on the straight-to-Flopz original Boat Trip 2: Wedding Belles, can't help but mask his frustration over the more successful dude playing the dudes disguised as the other dudes that he'd rather be playing. Yes, we're drunk.

6:53 Wow. Baz Luhrmann just mounted the worst Oscar number since this disaster. It was like something you'd see on a cruise ship hosting the AVN Awards.

6:46 Ah, the Judd Apatow sequence: The Oscars go pot-humor for the very first time—to spectacular effect, climaxing in Janusz Kaminski climbing between Seth Rogen and James Franco for a round of Oscar-assisted couch-skiing. Filthy.

6:35 Winner: ANTHONY DOD MANTLE, BEST CINEMATOGRAPHY, SLUMDOG MILLIONAIRE. Someone just pointed out that Danny Boyle is like a muppet Morrissey on anti-depressants. We couldn't agree more.

6:34 For some reason they're allowing Natalie Portman to present with her ex-boyfriend, Devendra Bernhardt.

6:32 I've just been informed that the term "montage" has been banished to the far reaches of the dusty Oscar netherverse, replaced instead by "yearbook." Which is apparently a far more encompassing term that allows Disney/Summit/Universal to shove their product right into the broadcast!

6:25 Robert Pattinson and Amanda Seyfried share a rare stage chemistry we'd define as...umm....non-existent. Yes! That's it exactly. Also: His hair grows supernaturally fast. Our bubbe once warned us about people like that. She said they're vampires.

Here's a look at the crowd during Andrew Stanton's acceptance speech. How many people can you count: 1) sleeping, 2) fantasizing about suicide, 3) contemplating life in a beanie?

6:17 We need to play quick catchup: LA MAISON EN PETITS CUBES, BEST ANIMATED SHORT. Director Kunio Kato quotes Styx, making him a man after our own heart. ACHIEVEMENT IN ART DIRECTION, BENJAMIN BUTTON. ACHIEVEMENT IN COSTUME DESIGN, THE DUCHESS. ACHIEVEMENT IN MAKEUP, BENJAMIN BUTTON.

6:05 Can we just say how satisfying it is to see Space Chimps represented in that animation montage, set to music apparently composed by a 13-year-old boy from Okinawa.

6:04 JenniferLina CatfightWatch: Jennifer Aniston moves from stage right to center stage—withing queef distance of Angelina Jolie. WINNER: WALL-E, BEST ANIMATED PICTURE.. Aniston is quickly whisked off the stage by a stagehand who looks suspiciously like the one who worked on The Jerry Springer Show.

6:00 WINNER: SIMON BEAUFOY, BEST ADAPTED SCREENPLAY, SLUMDOG MILLIONAIRE.
HarveyScoreBoardWatch: 1 for 2.

5:57 WINNER: DUSTIN LANCE BLACK, BEST ORIGINAL SCREENPLAY, MILK. Omigod, this is definitely the first person who goes to our gym to ever win an Oscar. We've totally used the pec dec after him! Beautiful speech about equal marriage rights, which is something we strongly back—what with us being gay and lonely.

5:54 Things turn up with the appearance of Liz Lemon and Gavin Volure, both of whom seem to be adjusting well to yet another away-toilet situation. An extremely cool effect is employed to show middle-America how words turn into movies.

5:48 First winner! PENELOPE CRUZ, BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS, VICKY CRISTINA BARCELONA. She's been given 45 seconds, presumably because it took 23 minutes to read the nominees. A man just yelled out to interrupt her!

HarveyScoreBoardWatch: 1 for 1.

5:45 Five former Best Supporting Actress winners are beamed down via magic LCD screen, and each introduces one nominee. For quite some time. Are they going to do this for every category? Yup, they sure are going into detail. This kind of feels like the rehearsal dinner in Rachel Getting Married.

5:39 This just texted in from STV VanAirsdale via Defamer SMS satellite feed: "OK that was fucking awesome." That's what three extra drinking hours get you.

5:38 What did a Holocaust drama have to do with the Dutch Olympic luge team?

5:35 Hugh has now mentioned Craigslist and pubic hair in the space of two stanzas. We're glad he's sticking to his comfort zone.

5:32 Jackman is disappointingly dressed, and sober. Here comes the first number! It's ghetto—but jokily so. That doesn't make it any less uncomfortable.

5:30 AAAAAAGGGGGGH SWAROVSKIIIII. WE'RE BLIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIND.

5:27 An old-timey newsreel explains exactly what production designer David Rockwell was trying to do with the set, just in case the sight of a full band on the stage sends you into fits of confused convulsions, leading you to throw a small child or glass ashtray into your flatscreen TV.

5:21 Jack Black's wife seemed utterly enchanted by the stranger with the microphone, didn't she? Cagle then asks Seth Rogen, Leslie Mann, and Judd Apatow who they'd save if there was a massive earthquake that killed everyone during the broadcast. That's a festive stumper! The fun's already started.

5:13 Viola Davis just fulfilled her Whole Foods Stress Tabs shout-out duties. Unfortunately, she was supposed to mention Airborne. No million bucks for you! (But free salad bar for life.)

5:11 Wow, Jess—way to shit the bed on the Robert Downey Jr. interview. Yes, that's his date. Otherwise known as his wife, Deborah Falconer Susan Levin. Don't you run a magazine with Entertainment in the name or something? (Don't look at us, we don't work anywhere.)

5:10 Mickey Rourke had a tuxedo made for Loki. That is just about the saddest thing we've heard all day. (Okay, second-saddest.) Wait—wasn't Loki a girl? Enh, Celine got away with it. Wait—no she didn't.

5:09 Surprise Alert! In place of Oscar statuettes, all winners in acting categories will be given an adorable, poop-dipped Slumdog Millionaire orphan.

5:05 Tim Gunn drapes Brangelina in yards of shameless sycophancy.

5:04 We don't know how ABC managed to score Jess Cagle for red-carpet duty, but all we can say is—we're dazzled. The surprises have begun already!

5:02 You know, without being shown who's speaking, Robin Roberts could be Mr. Jay's voice double.

11:02: And we're out! Where's the Bollywood dance number? The least the Globes could do is have a poop-covered Christine Lahti emerge from the bathroom to claim Tom Cruise's autograph!

10:59: And the winner of Best Motion Picture Drama is Slumdog MillionZZZZ. The only thing unpredictable about the win is how bedazzled the producing team's tuxedos are.

10:53: Rourke's plastic surgery-correcting plastic surgery has really settled nicely. Wait, our screen just blanked out as Rourke called Darren Aronofsky "one tough mother—" We'll just assume he did a near-fatal (yet triumphant!) Ram Jam.

10:52: "Mickey Rourke, Mickey Rourke! Whose wallet chain are you wearing?"

10:49: Every gay at this party is tangentially connected to someone on-screen. Someone's parents are friends with Nicole Kidman's mother! The boy we're dating is the second cousin of Joan from Mad Men! The dude in the kitchen personally applied the sequins to Best Actor winner Mickey Rourke's scarf! It never ends (much like this ceremony).

10:43: Rainn Wilson introduced himself self-effacingly as a "TV actor." Now. Mad Men wins TV Drama. Oooh, Elisabeth Moss is there! Can't wait for the inevitable Page Six story on her weepy backstage confrontation with former Speed-the-Plow costar Jeremy Piven.

10:38: Mark Wahlberg Talks (Shit About Gabriel Byrne) to Cameron Diaz! The Best Actress Globe goes to Kate Winslet. Now, when we make jokes about her pair of Golden Globes, we'll be forced to be more specific.

10:31: Sacha Baron Cohen is introduced as the star of Bruno, and we can barely believe the HFPA didn't use the Defamer-appended subtitle. The Comedy winner? Vicky Cristina Barcelona! Drew Barrymore approves. The Globe is accepted by, uh, a sparkly Donna Pescow?

10:30: Salma Hayek faces a cavalier crowd willing to natter on through her awards show patter. Talk in rapid, authoritative Spanish, Salma!

10:22 Colin Farrell wins a Globe for In Bruges! Free hummus and pita bread for everybody!

10:21: Sandra Bullock breaks her "Flemish" hymen on air, an act that earns the ceremony an abrupt MA rating.

10:15: Scalpings, Parte Tres: Emma Thompson has absconded with Glenn Close's Damages lace-front. Best Director? Danny Boyle, for Slumdog Millionaire.

10:14: Oh, these He's Just Not That Into You commercials! "He Myspaced me!" "Don't cyber-stalk him!" Can we have some Geocities jokes? God, isn't it a pain when you want to email your distant fiancee but AOL keeps giving you a busy modem signal?

10:04: At the podium now, Spielberg comments on the superfluous Golden Globe award redesign (kind of like those CG'd-to-death E.T. reissue clips that played during the montage).

10:02: Joan Crawford gets more face time in this Spielberg montage then either The Terminal or The Lost World.

9:57: Seriously? One more hour? The ceremony sacrifices its breakneck speed to give an honorary award to severely undervalued auteur Steven Spielberg.

9:47: David Duchovny and Jane Krakowski display uncomfortable sparks as Krakowski gives a Golden Globe to Tina Fey, who calls out internet commenters for their hatin'. We're sorry, Tina!

9:45: Kate Beckinsale (or Sally Hawkins? We're not sure!) is terrified of Sean Combs.

9:43: "When I used to listen to ABBA as a wee, hairy-chested eight-year-old," Pierce Brosnan overshares, "I had no idea I would one day star in a movie that desecrates those songs. Who knew that was even possible?"

9:36: Tracy Morgan starts a feud with Cate Blanchett while accepting 30 Rock's Best TV Comedy Golden Globe. He's in fine, big-breasted company.

9:32: A disheveled, mutton-chopped Paul Giamatti wins Best TV Actor for John Adams and calls out Tom Wilkinson as a Camel Lights pusher. He then goes back to his hunch-shouldered work sending the Russians into space.

9:30: Renée Zellweger, dressed in a funereal straitjacket, delivers the most pissed-off introduction to The Reader possible. Thanks a lot, Entertainment Weekly!

9:22: Ledger-hating presenter Amy Poehler hands an award to Alec Baldwin for 30 Rock, who displays his comedy prowess by telling a Rumer Willis non-joke that the confused audience decides they should probably laugh at anyway.

9:21: Simon Beaufoy wins Best Screenplay for Slumdog Millionaire! We weren't aware this award was given to first halves of screenplays.

9:19: The whittled-down Seth Rogen is in serious danger of resembling his stick figure stand-in on the Zack and Miri poster.

9:12: Best Actress in a TV Drama or Miniseries winner Laura Linney should really be thanking HD rather than HBO. Them cheeks are luminous!

9:10: The scalpings continue: Shirley MacLaine has stolen Clay Aiken's hair.

9:07: Colin Farrell makes a family-friendly reference to his past, sex tape-enabling cocaine use before presenting an award to Waltz with Bashir director Ari Folman.

9:05: Tom Brokaw, sounding more like Barbara Walters every year.

8:57: Amy Poehler: Not that big a fan of Supporting Actor winner Heath Ledger!

8:55: Proud mother Demi Moore gives a shout-out to Miss Golden Globe, her daughter Rumer. Mother/daughter knee lifts at Dr. Lipshitz's this Tuesday!

8:54: Drew Barrymore has scalped Angie Dickinson. That is all.

8:50: Three degrees of Jake Gyllenhaal! One of this viewing party's gays (don't you have some at yours?) reveals that his husband tutored the on-screen Jake Gyllenhaal in math at age 17.

8:47: Sally: Rebecca Hall and Kate Beckinsale called. They want their face and dramatic brunette updo back.

8:45: Sally Hawkins wins Best Actress in a Comedy for Happy-Go-Lucky! It seems like an impressive achievement until you realize she was competing against Meryl Streep not for Doubt but for Mamma Mia.

8:44: Who was that text-messaging next to America Ferrera? We hope not Blake Lively!

8:41: Haha, Wall-E director Andrew Stanton is virtually out of his seat and at the podium before they actually announce that he's won the Animated Film award.

8:39: Ricky Gervais (drink in hand!) continues his awards show trek, despite being a noted Oscar-eschewer. Awards ceremonies, he's just not that into you. (Sorry, the pervasive commercials have finally demolished our defenses. Who wants to make an appletini date at the Arclight?).

8:35: Zachary Quinto just surged past Zac Efron in the night's Skinny Tie Sweepstakes. Gentlemen, it's not too late to rock a bolo! Anna Paquin wins the presented prize, for Best Profanity-Laden Reaction to Finding Out That Your Second Love Interest Can Lick His Own Balls.

8:33: Best Actor in a TV Drama goes to Gabriel Byrne over Michael C. Hall. How many sisters does a guy have to fuck for a Golden Globe in this town?

8:29: Eva Mendes (who's clearly been buying turquoise necklaces from Tuba City jewelry shop owner Whoopi Goldberg) brings out HFPA president Jorge Camara, who is introduced to weirdly specific Cuban music. All right then.

8:27: Don Cheadle gets the introduction he's worked his whole life for: "And now, the star of upcoming film Hotel for Dogs!"

8:15: A hearty, hale Jeremy Piven loses the supporting actor TV prize to Tom Wilkinson for John Adams. Golden Globe producers celebrate the moment by cutting to the 30 Rock table, where a blond to the right of Alec Baldwin chooses the perfect moment to solicit lip gloss from Tina Fey.

8:07: Is that hirsute mountain man Jason Priestly presenting Best Song? No, it's Sting, somehow! Miley Cyrus greets the announcement of her nomination with a Gaston-soliciting tongue extension before Bruce Springsteen is handed the prize.

8:03: "Mama's talking," complains ignored presenter Jennifer Lopez. She presents Best Supporting Actress in a Film to Kate Winslet, for The Reader. That sound you hear is Scott Rudin and Harvey Weinstein unfiring two assistants.

8:00: It's starting! As always, the Globes have chosen a terribly Zeitgeisty pop song to intro us in (in this case, from the Pussycat Dolls). Where are the revised, Globe-specific lyrics, though? Either go full-shame or go home, HFPA!

7:45: In Bruges costars Brendan Gleeson and Colin Farrell are being interviewed. "Who's the fat guy?" asks a friend. "Some eccentric gay billionaire who bought Colin Farrell?"

7:30: Nancy O'Dell and her minions have assembled some seemingly random celebrity pairs to interview during the pre-show: Sigourney Weaver and Beyonce! Aaron Eckhart and Rachel Griffiths! Sadly, O'Dell doesn't ask Griffiths how it feels to pass the sibling-fucking torch to her former Six Feet Under costar Michael C. Hall.

7:20: Forgive us for our late start, as we've been busy assembling a cone of silence that involves not visiting the front page of Yahoo, the IMDb, or Facebook, lest we stumble upon a spoiler crumb dropped by our more fortunate East Coast brethren. We couldn't bear it if we knew ahead of time just how that nail-biting Supporting Actor race would turn out (we've heard Heath Ledger is a dark horse!).

Without further ado...let the games begin! (And—not that you asked—but we're in vintage Sweet P, bag by Trader Joe's.)

8:46 No Country For Old Men takes it!! It deserved it!! We loved it!! We don't know how to deal with these strange, fulfilled-Oscar emotions. Someone hold us. And Scott Rudin just called John Barlow his "honey," giving this ceremony a much needed shot of gay-drenaline. How utterly satisfying. Now, if you'll kindly excuse us, we're going to get to the level of tankededeness we've been dreaming about all night. Sure, it's an abrupt ending—but no more abrupt than the 2008 Best Picture winner's. Good night, everyone!

8:45: Wait a second—it's over?? There were 12,000 montages! That's impossible!

8:40: The Coens take Best Director. We won't even parse this one with a joke: that feels really good. A crisp fin to whoever leads us to YouTube of Henry Kissinger: A Man on the Go first.

8:36: Daniel Day-Lewis takes Best Actor, and in a heartfelt acceptance speech, thanks his grandfather, Michael Bolton. (We think. It's loud in here.) Wait—the orchestra just broke into "How Am I Supposed to Live Without You?" Yup, Michael Bolton is Daniel Day-Lewis's grandfather.

8:33 Helen Mirren is doing things to our pants.

8:29: Diablo just texted us from backstage! "honest to liveblog, winning an O-man is the bizzomble! itz fierceballs! just met best actrix Marion, doing the best diddle of her career by getting her Edict Rice-Piaf on!"

8:24: A cheer just erupted from Jumbo's Clown Room!

8:15: Don't ask, don't tell: Things get a smidge dour with the documentary competition (Best Short goes to Freeheld, Best Feature, Taxi to the Dark Side.) But to reward you for having made it this far, we have a special treat for you: An underwear-model palate cleanser. Enjoy.

8:08: Just what this ceremony needs: More Amy Adams. Atonement wins Best Score, which, based on that string arrangement snippet we've heard approximately 7000 times in those fragrance-ad-ish TV spots, is very score-like.

8:05: The In Memoriam Grieve-O-Plaud-O-Meter round-up: Kitty Carlysle Hart sets it off, Suzanne Pleshette gets it going (a solid 7), and Heath Ledger, not surprisingly, seals the deal. Then, quite dramatically, they kill the lights. (Perhaps a poor choice of words.)

7:59: There Will Be Blood takes Best Cinematography. We take this moment to recognize Stewart for his I-drink-your-milkshake-joke restraint tonight. Wish we could say the same about SNL—though Bill Hader did nail Plainview.

7:56 That's nice—Jon Stewart just brought out Marketa so she could have her acceptance speech moment. How cute is she? We just hope this new second-chance policy doesn't extend to those creepy, ponytailed Sound weirdos.

7:49 Once wins Best Song, says John Travolta (in fetching AstroScalp™ hair piece). The audience seems genuinely thrilled for Glen Hansard; unfortunately, Marketa Irglova doesn't get a chance to speak. Those two need to get it on, already. So she's married—so what. You can make it work!

7:45: We get it. Enchanted is an enchanting movie with lots of wonderful songs. Now can someone shoo Lumière and the rest of the gang of the stage? And we're officially drunk, so can someone clarify: Is that Amy Adams? Or an Amy Adamalike? And who the hell is singing? Where's Simon Cowell when you need him?! OK, we think we need a bathroom break.

7:42: Our heads are literally spinning, trying to unscramble Penelope Cruz's accent as she introduces the Best Foreign Film. Austrian film The Counterfeiters wins, a stirring bio-drama about lesser-known, slightly eccentric German dictator, Gaydolph Titler.

7:32: Nicole Kidman's face-stylists really gave her a great look tonight, didn't they? Engaged, content—just right. Can't wait to see what they cook up for the after-parties!

7:28: So Renée is going to get trounced by the CoJo set tomorrow, isn't she? Yes. Yes she is. Too bad she can't Best Edit that haircut away. (Infernal sparkling wine demons.) Bourne takes Editing, which was definitely a very edited movie. We had No Country.

7:26: Do you really have to ask? Yes they are going to go through every single Best Picture of all time. Bladder-voiding time, unless you want to hiss along to Forrest Gump and Crash. Hisssssssss...... P.S. We're going to be here 'til dawn.

7:20 Once really deserves Best Song. We're fighting back tears and stroking a broken vacuum cleaner right now.

7:17 OK, now they're really scraping the montage barrel, as "80 Years of Wii" fails to provide the emotionally resonant clips of some of the other categories.

7:13: Marion Cotillard accepts an award the way a magical French pixie who dominates an above-average biopic should. The Gays in attendance approve.

7:11: Big one: Best Actress. Call it!

7:09: Topic for conversation: Fuck, Marry, Kill: Seth Rogen, Jonah Hill, Jon Stewart. Go!

7:05 Sound Editing and Sound Mixing both go to The Bourne Ultimatum. Still, the winners don't have supreme power over sound, as nothing they say can stop an ear-piercing orchestra swell or the killing of a mic.

7:01 All hail the Doughy Semitics. Their time has arrived. (For now.)

6:54: Amy Adams: You've just been served by Kristen Chenoweth. But, you know, in a cheesy-Oscars-musical-number kind of way. So don't worry. You still rock.

6:50: Good thing everyone kept their speeches short, so we could watch this fascinating ten-minute educational film starring Sid Ganis about the voting process. It really needed a Schoolhouse Rock-style animated, anthropomorphic ballot, didn't it. Most interesting part? The fact that they showed Penelope Cruz's address. Production company, not home. But still. Bury 'em in mail, billion-person Oscars audience!

6:46: Now they're talking reeeeeally sllowwly. We're not even going to fake this: We completely missed that.

6:45: The Coens are walking reeeeeally slloowwly.

6:44: We think Jessica Alba just rattled off something technical, but let's face it—no one really pays attention to her since she got herself knocked-up. Meow! The claws are out—we must be feeling the cheap champagne.

6:38: Tilda Swinton wins Best Supporting Actress. She submits herself to the Greatest Actor's Sacrifice, and donates her award to agent Brian Swardstrom, who apparently is the spitting-image of Oscar, right down to his chiseled, voluptuous buttocks. A great call-out to co-star Clooney and his benippled Batsuit, and she's out! One thing is for certain: It's going to be a hot, intergenerational menage-a-trois at the Swintons' tonight.

6:32: The Shorts are called, and something French wins Live-Action, and something stop-action wins Animated. Adjust your pools accordingly.

6:29: It's Owen Wilson! Heyyy, buddy... You look great! How's it going? You OK? Need anything? What? We are not walking on eggshells around you!

6:25: Apparently a movie called August Rush starring Felicity was in theaters this year, giving producers a great excuse to trot out the He Is Risen Academy Choir, whose performance of this song is slightly less rousing than their 2006 rendition of "Hard Out Here For A Pimp."

6:23: Even if it was for a pace-killing gag about pointless montages, we were heartened to see Pee-wee Herman make an appearance during the Waking Up From Bad Dreams retrospective.

6:17: Looks like we won our coin-flip, friendo: Javier Bardem picks up a statuette, and apparently is still traumatized by his Anton Chigurh hair. Get over it, already! The hair got you an Oscar!

6:15: They really should have let Jennifer Hudson sing the Best Supporting Actor nominees.

6:14: Hey—Tommy Lee Jones was bald in the mid-90s, yet now has a lustrous head of hair! It's an Oscar miracle!

6:12: Looks like we're on the same page as Stewart, who just identified her outstanding work as the swimming pitbull in No Country For Old Men. Now that he mentions, it, though—that pitbull really does deserve some kind of special Oscar. Does it not? That was our single favorite scene of the year.

6:10: Granted we're a little preoccupied, but when did The Rock morph into Cate Blanchett? That's even more impressive than her transformation into Bob Dylan! Oh—we're informed she was suctioned in via pneumatic presenter tube. Sneaky producers!

6:00: Wow—The Golden Compass wins something: Best Visual Effects. A true upset, as indicated by the guy with his hands in his hair and the utterly shocked look on his face. Talking/fighting polar bears RULE, dude! (No, we didn't see it. But c'mon—they rule.) Sorry, Disciples of Bay. Not your year.

6:00: We love Amy Adams, but without the princess get-up and dancing vermin, this numbers is a little West Covina Christian Community Center presents Seven Brides for Seven Brothers.

5:53: Katherine Heigl's veers from her introduction for Best Makeup to mention it's "Joshua's bedtime," whoever that is. La Vie en Rose wins, effectively shutting out Norbit. There is no God!

5:53: Chalk up one more point on your Oscar pool: Ratatouille wins. Brad Bird delivers his famous high school guidance counselor story we just read in the LAT, rambles a bit, and the first music-swell of the evening accompanies the ceremonial snapping open of the trapdoor for long-windeds.

5:52: Steve Carell and Anne Hathaway offer a chilling demonstration of what happens when bad patter goes, uh, badly.

5:46: Impossibly twinkly-eyed George Clooney (is that mascara we detect?) puts both hands in his pockets—a secret shout-out to new best friend Joel Stein—and introduces the evening's first PowerPoint presentation. The theme? We have no freaking clue, but we have a strong feeling we're glimpsing the dark void of whatwas in store if the strike wasn't resolved in time.

5:42: A still-shaken Jennifer Garner (what did that monster Busey do to her hair???) announces the winner of Best Costume Design, which goes to Elizabeth: The Golden Age. An admirably short—if emotionless—standard is set for future acceptance speeches, as Sid Ganis nods approvingly in the wings.

5:40: A serviceable monologue manages to slip the words "Gaydolph Titler" past network censors.

5:35: Jon Stewart emerges from a sort of suction-tube delivery device that presumably ends at his Daily Show office, and launches right into a requisite shout-out to writers.

5:30: It's on! Through the magic of really crappy CGI, Megatron just blew up a young, pirouetting Travolta. Awesome! Bay has his hands all over that.

5:26: We're confused. Why is Regis wandering around the audience before the show started. Then Regis mangles Javier Bardem's name, calling him "Xavier Bardem." Javier takes it in stride, however, chuckling lightly to himself as he fantasizes about pneumatic cattle-bolts flying into the slightly addled melon of the World Record Holder for Live Television Hours.

5:23: False alarm. Regis is just backstage, mixing with the cast of Who Wants to Marry A Bavarian Milkmaid?, the latest Mark Graham reality hit coincidentally shooting next door.

5:20: In the last few moments of the official red carpet countdown, an overcome Regis Philbin was led off by concerned handlers after he mistook Ellen Page for a young Shelley Winters.

5:22pm: Gary Busey's antics aside, this carpet made NBC's Golden Globes press conference seem positively enthralling. It's clear to us that while the Writer's Strike might be over, Hollywood is still really hung over from the debilitating three month strike. Fingers crossed that tonight's ceremony will go much smoother and be WAY more exciting than the carpet. At this point, we're turning things over to your Master Of Ceremonies ... it's been a blast. Stay tuned to Defamer's on-going coverage by going here:
http://defamer.com/360170/liveblogging-the-oscars-choke-on-the-glitz

5:17pm: Um, ABC ran a "global contest" for two people to get to walk the carpet and they only got 16,000 entries? Why does ABC think that ANYONE cares who these two teens are? Bee-tee-dubs, guy from Toledo, way to put your best fashion foot forward with that gray generic polo shirt.

5:11pm: Jennifer Garner is REALLY close to slipping a nip live on ABC. Where's Busey when you need him? J. Garns gives a shout-out to mummified fashionista Rachel Zoe, but what we're really wondering is how she felt about getting snubbed? If there was an Oscar worthy role in Juno, it was hers.

5:07pm: Well, looks like both E! and TV Guide Channel have shut down their coverage. No real loss. Both carpets were snoozefests, where's Joan Rivers when you need her? Or, for that matter, Issac Mizrahi? The red carpet has lost its sense of spontanaiety (however "spontanaiety" is spelled). No time for spellcheck, it's a liveblog! Thankfully, we have this clip the cast of Dancing With The Stars to tide us through this commercial break.

5:06pm: John Travolta to the chippy on ABC: "I let Kelly wear the dress tonight." There's a first time for everything!

5:01pm: Sorry Rinna, but we're just not that into you. Now that Reege is on ABC, we'll be flipping back and forth between ABC and E!

4:59pm: Casey Affleck is now talking to Lisa Rinna. Unfortunately, he has pledged to be nicer to Lisa this time around. That's no fun, yo!

4:57pm: Uh oh, there's Zellweggs. Between her and Cameron Diaz, we're not sure which one spent less time washing their hair before this evening's ceremony. Someone get these ladies a Brita filter for their shower heads or somethin'.

4:53pm: Katherine Heigl looks REALLY thin. But that hair? We said it before (and caught some flack for it), but the 45 year-old version of Katie Heigl just called and she wants her hairstyle back. Where's Doc Brown when you need him, someone needs to go back to the future.

4:51pm: Casey Affleck standing on the merlot carpet with Seacrest, which means it's only a matter of minutes before he encounters Lisa Rinna again. We all remember how that one went down last time. Should be a good one!

4:46pm: Zomg! The unholy Dancing With The Starts triumvirate of vet Lisa Rinna and n00bs Steve Guttenberg and Marlee Matlin are having a convo (with the aid of an interpreter, obvs). It must be easy to read Lisa Rinna's lips, seeing as how they are stuffed with at least 30cc's of collagen.

4:43pm: Lisa Rinna's go-to word of the night is "Girl." During an interview with Keri Russell (who, btw, must be SO sick of answering the Adrienne Shelly questions by now), Rinna dropped the word "girl" at least six times in ten seconds.

4: 37pm: Here's the video that everyone will be talking about tomorrow morning (and maybe even later tonight) — Gary Busey storming an unsuspecting Ryan Seacrest, Jennifer Garner and Laura Linney. Utah, gimme two!

4:34pm: Seacrest just asked the question that's on the mind of every man who glances at Jessica Alba these days: "Will you be breastfeeding?" We didn't know you had it in ya, Seacrest. Keep it up!

4:32pm: Hey Cameron Diaz, did an alarm on your iPhone just go off to remind you to walk the Red Carpet? Nice roots, it looks like she got ready for the show in the limo on the way over to the Kodak Theater. We know it's raining, but come on.

4:31pm: Gary Busey is over on the TV Guide Channel now doing penance for his crashing of the E! set. For some reason, he is intent on interviewing Lisa Rinna (who, btw, is eating up the attention).

4:26pm: Okay, the first shot of Diablo Cody's million dollar shoes just hit the wires. Really, that's all you get for a million dollars these days? There should at least be some laces or something, right?

4:20pm: It's somehow appropriate that, at 4:20pm, Gary Busey just molested Jennifer Garner's neck with his tongue. Utah, gimme two! The Buse is the early favorite for the Sean Young Memorial Trophy as the Oscar's biggest trouble causer. Can you imagine if Busey streaked the ceremony? One can only hope that Vh1 is filming him tonight for Celebrity Rehab 2.

4:19pm: Kimora on Ellen Page: "She's a little Plain Jane."

4:15pm: Jessica Alba like whoa. The breastfeeding jokes will be coming fast and furious on some of the laddies parts of The Blogosphere tomorrow (or, more likely, in the next 30 seconds).

4:13pm: Aw, isn't that cute. Seth Rogen and Jonah Hill, sporting matching Jewfros, are clearly being positioned as the Matt-n-Ben of the new Hollywood set.

4:11pm: Exactly how many Enchanted dolls does Seacrest carry on his person at any given time? Not only did he bust one out when McDempsey walked up to him, but he sprung one out of his bag of tricks when the universally adored Amy Adams showed up on the carpet. Good thing The Today Show's Natalie Morales isn't here; we all know how that turned out last time!

4:08pm: It's Hollywood's most ubiquitous presence, James McAvoy. Ry Guy is sweating profusely while interviewing the (considerably shorter) James McAvoy. We don't think McAvoy is exactly Will Ferrell, but we think that Seacrest is probably standing on a few milk crates.

4:03pm Flipping back to TV Guide Channel, Lisa Rinna has cornered Diablo Busey-Hunt (aka, Brook Cody). She looks fantastic, actually, and manages not to laugh when Rinna dropped the news that Harry Hamlin voted for Juno for Best Picture. Bloggers and froggers, still no camera pans down to her million dollar kicks.

4:02: One hour down and everything is going according to schedule. Nothing is happening. This really is going to be the lowest-rated Oscars of all-time, isn't it? Speaking of which, what is McDreamy doing on the carpet? Oh yeah, that's right, a little bit of ABC nepotizz at work. Or would it be considered product placement? Either way, Loverboy was rad.

3:58pm: We're kind of loving Joey Fatone's elevation from boy band has-been to the poor man's Jerry Penacoli. He's on TV Guide Network now blasting Anne Hathaway for being too pale and John Travolta for spray painting his hair to his head. And now he's wearing bunny slippers.

3:57pm: Wait a second, there's some hot competish for worst haircut of the 2008 Oscars. The Rock is giving Travolta a real run for his money.

3:54pm: Zomg, John Travolta's chia-head looks like it was put together by pouring a smattering of melted Crayolas over top his melon.

3:50pm: Both stations are on commercial, so now's a good a time as any to drop this SuperDeluxe video on you. We've been walking around saying "Hey there, bloggers and froggers" all weekend long.

3:48pm: Giuliana DePandi is so gay for the clown-lipped Anne Hathaway. We're amateurs at this, but it seems like Anne Hathaway is running away with the best dressed title at this early hour.

3:46pm: As handsome as George Clooney is (and he is a handsome son of a gun), we think he's even more delectable in jelly bean form.

3:44pm: Quoth Ryan Seacrest: "a uk producer's head is in my crotch. his head is in between my legs." Just another Sunday afternoon for RyGuy!

3:40pm: Hey there bloggers and froggers, there's Diablo Cody! Of course she's rockin' some sot of leopard-y lookin' monstrosity. Come on camera man, pan to those million dollar shoes!

3:38pm: E! producers are thinking the same thing we are. We too would relegate Tom Wilkinson to picture-in-picture status when Kristen Chenoweth's magnificently healthy rack is on display.

3:34pm: Looks like Clooney was the smartest celeb of the bunch. Fox's weatherslut with the mole (honestly, her name escapes us) is reporting that a smattering of sprinkles just hit the ceremony. Hope you brought your umbrella, Brook Busey Hunt!

3:22pm: Usually, the big stars are the last to show up on the red carpet. As happy as we are to witness this glorious interview with the Costume Designer of Lars And The Real Girl (who knew that you could get Oscar nominated for dressing a mannequin with a fleshy vagina?), the appearance of George Clooney and his smokin' hott GF Sarah Larson signals that the ceremony is on.

3:09pm: Nothing reminds us more of the pageantry and tradition of the Oscars than the appearance of Heidi Klum and Seal. Makes us long for the magical afternoon back in January when we watched Seal On Ice. You truly haven't experienced ice dancing `til you've seen it paired with the music of Seal, trust you me.

3:06pm: Still no stars on the carpet. Just so you know, we're going to be breaking Larry Sanders' golden rule a lot during this liveblog. We'll be flipping spastically back and forth between the coverage on E!, TV Guide Channel (we're really hoping that Joey Fatone and Lisa Rinna didn't take their meds) and, when it comes on, ABC.

3:00pm: It just wouldn't be The Oscars without good ole Lou Gossett Jr.! Being the first person to arrive is both an honor and a tragedy. Lou took home a little gold man back in `83 for An Officer And A Gentleman, but sadly was snubbed in `85 for Enemy Mine. Now drop and give us 20.

6:59pm: This back-alley broadcast came to an end about 58 minutes or so too late. Billy Bush, who we're convinced just may be both the resurrection and the light, has deemed to bring Entertainment Weekly coozehound Dave Kriger to the forefront to tell the nation which film HE thinks should be awarded with the Best Drama prize. The EW scribe thinks it should be Michael Clayton, but Billy Bush apparently doesn't agree and demands another pick from Kriger, lest he be smoted with a tax audit and reassignment to Highlights. The stuffy Britpic Atonement ends up taking the prize, and America yawns. Hey, don't yawn yet ... this means more dripping wet Kiera Knightley ads for us all! They need our consideration, let's make them work for it.

6:58pm: Oh Golden Globes producers, you missed a PRIME opportunity to launch "I drink your milkshake!" into the national lexicon.

6:56pm: Julie Christie wins for Best Actress, besting the A-List likes of Angie Jolie and Cate Blanchett. She deserved it, but now we know for a fact that NBC got lucky not having to actually air this whole ceremony. Can you imagine how many folks in The Heartland would've tuned off by now, having the likes of Marion Cotillard, Ricky Gervais and Julie Christie are walking away winners?

6:54pm: Nancy O'Dell and her luscious, well-displayed rack will not stand (WILL NOT STAND!) to let a clip of a then 23 year-old dripping wet Angelina Jolie frolicking in a pool with an Access Hollywood producer go without commenting that he the reason why we, the viewing public, are seeing it is that her producers are sexist pigs. Hey Miss O'Dell, hope you enjoy the next six minutes of the Golden Globes broadcast 'cause you'll never host another one again.

6:52: Whoa Mad Men! Bet HBO is kicking themselves something fierce right now for letting Matthew Weiner's show slip off to AMC. Which reminds us, John From Cincinnati was really putrid wasn't it?

6:49pm: Sweeney Todd? Best Comedy? Really? We saw it, but it was no Brothers Solomon. But then again, if Billy Bush approves, we must've missed something the first time around; he likens Depp and creative lifepartner Tim Burton the Scorsese and DeNiro. By the way, we are so bored. Where's Kathy Griffin when you need her?

6:46pm: Johnny Depp's win for Best Actor of the Musical and/or Comedy variety bodes well for his chances to march triumphantly onstage at the Kodak Theater next month. Think he'll pull a Brando? He should.

6:42pm: Don't worry, Stevie Spielberg. You'll get your sloppy 20 minute hummer from the HFPA and the rest of your underlings NEXT January. And now that Julian Schnabel has gone himself and won a Best Director Golden Globe, we're betting his evening will end by telling a politically inclined brunette, "Let's go home so I can Diving Bell the Butterfly out of you."

6:36pm: And come on, we know that Extras is good, but is is NO 30 Rock. Or even Pushing Daisies. With all these big name nominees and all these (relative) no names winning awards, we're betting that Ben Silverman is laughing maniacally in his Burbank office, glad as hell that he was able to convince people to watch this nonsense without having to spend any real money on the party itself.

6:35pm: The all-seeing, all-knowing Billy Bush has just bestowed Ricky Gervais with his Bush Stamp of Appeal for his work guiding the series Extras. Howevs, judging by the stunned look that he had on his face, we're pretty sure he thinks that Extras is the show hosted by his dreaded rival, Mark McGrath.

6:31pm: It's only been 31 minutes? It feels like 31 hours. Especially because they just handed an award to David Duchovny for his work in Californication over heavyweight favorites like Alec Baldwin and Steve Carell. Thankfully, our Host and Father Billy Bush feels the same way we do, and uses the microphone behind his pulpit to blast the HFPA for daring call Californication a comedy. We must concur, as it never makes us laugh, either.

6:25pm:We're not sure exactly what role Entertainment Weekly Senior Writer Dave Kriger is supposed to be playing on this special. After all, with Billy Bush and Nancy O'Dell as the Play-By-Play and Color Commentators (respectively), does this make Dave Kriger the Tony Siragusa of the special? We digress. No matter what role he is supposed to be playing, he is using this opportunity as an open audition to be Marion Cotillard's he-bitch ("she's spectacularly beautiful, 32 years old. Looks nothing like the older woman she plays in the movie.") Glad to hear you want to bone her, Dave ... join the list.

6:23pm: The recent crest of Juno-mania failed to catapault Ellen Page to victory over the frog princess Marion Cotillard's performance as Edith Piaf in La Vie En Rose. The Academy might as well engrave that Best Actress Oscar for Marion now.

6:19pm: We're still bored. Not even the fact that Jon Hamm won for his magnificently powerful performance as adman par excellence Don Draper is breaking these duldrums.

6:13pm: You know, we're trying to manufacture enthuasiasm for this ceremony, we really are. But as we lie here in the first commercial break, we find ourselves missing watching guys like Joaquin Phoenix fight the urge to shotgun a few beers. We miss the fact that Jack won't be able to inappropriately put his hands on Juno's homeskillets. Sobriety on this Sunday night is no fun.

6:07pm: Jeremy Piven is not just a member, he's the president of the Entourage Club For Men. Perhaps more importantly than the Globe he just picked up, he earns the laudits of Future PUSA Billy Bush ("Some characters just break through, and Ari Gold is just one of those characters"). Piven can sleep tight knowing that Billy Bush approves of his work.

6:05pm: Cate Blanchett just won a Golden Globe for I'm Not There. She basked in the glow for all of five second's before Billy Bush, renowned film historian and master of ceremonies, called her out for not being as good as Amy Ryan.

6:02pm: Wait a minute, the Globes got cancelled? We must have missed the news. First impressions ... we've never seen a press conference like this. This is like the Palms Casino of press conferences.

5:51pm: We have got to admit, we're not exactly sure what is about to go down when the Golden Globes "press conference" airs on NBC (and Telemundo!) in roughly 10 American minutes. Either way, we'll be here, watching, observing and, should the mood strike or the situation warrant it, posting...

Here we go! In observance of sacred liveblogging tradition, new entries will appear at the top. Refresh the page every ten seconds or so for our latest nonsense:

9:15: And the big one, courtesy of Bald Jack and Diane Keaton: The Departed, Best Picture. Graham King's emotional acceptance speech is marred when Paramount emperor and jilted, uncredited producer Brad Grey unexpectedly emerges from the head of the giant Oscar at center stage, sneaks up on King as he recites the litany of names he needs to thank, then snatches Oscar from his stunned colleague. We knew Grey would get his moment of glory, whatever it took.

See you back here tomorrow for the post-Oscar orgy. We'll be passed out within ten minutes.

9:08: But then again... Scorsese wins Best Director! We can feel joy again! (A lock, but still. Defamer HQ just exploded in relief. No one wanted to see those eyebrows droop once again in defeat.)

And perhaps most satisfying of all, Endeavor's Ari Emanuel is namechecked. His suffering was just as real.

9:02: Forest Whitaker's heartfelt speech for his inevitable Best Actor win might have moved us if the previous fifteen hours of the ceremony hadn't already sucked out what was left of our awards-weary soul. We're too dead inside for sentiment now.

8:53: A tousled Phillip Seymour Hoffman, apparently fresh off a five-day bender, presents the Best Actress award. And, of course: Helen Mirren. She's not displaying nearly the level of cleavage that first entranced us at the Golden Globes. And where's the Kodak-crumbling orgasm she promised us? Too much talk about the real-life inspiration for her performance, and not enough orgiastic moaning while in the throes of Oscar-winning ecstasy. Disappointing.

Still, we want her. Bad.

8:50: Ellen DeGeneres TuxedoWatch (we know we've been slacking here, but our ability to discern color and style has been severely hampered by champagne punch): She's going with a conservative blue for the obligatory joke about how overlong the show has been. Nice choice.

8:47: Jack Warden, Jack Palance, and Robert Altman all make the cut on the much-anticipated In Memoriam montage; sadly, Anna Nicole Smith, currently the Most Famous Dead Person in Hollywood, was omitted, probably over a technicality involving the dispute over her body.

8:44: Jodie Foster is crushing both Melissa Etheridge and Ellen DeGeneres in the Most Flattering Lesbian Hairdo race.

8:42: By our unofficial count, we just got the twentieth cut to Jack Nicholson's (still unexplained) bald head. But that editing win for The Departed seems to indicate that Scorsese's pain might finally be over.

8:39: Ever wonder why the telecast runs over four hours? Consider the seeming twenty minutes of your life you just lost to watching Michael Mann's completely insane "America! The Montage!"

8:35: Will Smith is obviously coloring his head stubble gray for added gravitas.

8:28: God may love Jennifer Hudson, but he really seems to hate Dreamgirls. (Or maybe just DreamWorks and Paramount?) THREE of their songs just lost to one Melissa Etheridge wrote in five minutes—four minutes of which she spent trying to unlock the "truth/youth" rhyme puzzle she discussed earlier in the show.

8:26: Beyonce loses, as Hudson finishes with the number with her breasts totally intact. Better luck next time, Yonce.

8:22: Beyonce is being completely upstaged by the Jennifer Hudson's scene-stealing rack. But Beyonce isn't going down with a fight—she's trying to sing the jiggling, attention-grabbing bosoms right off Hudson's chest and out of the Kodak Theatre.

8:14: Best Original Screenplay Fun Fact: Little Miss Sunshine's Michael Arnt used to be Matthew Broderick's assistant! Hey, everyone out there fetching dry cleaning: You really can make all of your Hollywood dreams come true!

8:04: The announcer just called Hugh Jackman the "Volver-rine." Backstage, one of the writers is shitting himself with glee, having won a bet (and with a potential two hours left in the broadcast!) about who would get the worst joke on the air.

And one of these days, Penelope Cruz is finally going to get this English stuff down. No hurry.

7:55: Lifetime Achievement Award = luxurious bathroom break. We're really going to take our time in there.

7:49: ....and here comes Al Gore again for An Inconvenient Truth. Director Davis Guggenheim is so overcome with joy he might just make out with the former Vice President a little. Still no announcement of his presidential candidacy, which we suppose he's holding for the moment before the Best Picture, when viewership is highest and his "Fuck Obama!" message will really pop.

7:45: Jerry Seinfeld: "What's up with the Oscars? We all get dressed up and then some people don't win! Who are these people?" He does redeem himself by noting all the documentary feature nominees are "incredibly depressing." Well, maybe not Jesus Camp, which apparently is all about aborable little kids dancing for The Messiah!

7:35: God gives Jennifer Hudson the Best Supporting Actress award! We knew He loved J-Hud the most! Of course, this also means that He's not really that into Eddie Murphy, whom He cruelly punished earlier in the telecast.

7:30: Oscar Pool FuckageWatch II: Pan's Labryinth finally drops one to The Lives of Others. Maybe it really wasn't that big an upset, but the way Pan's has been going, it felt like it was somehow going to sneak in and win Best Picture.

7:13: Gwyneth Paltrow's visible nipple (you all saw it, right?) overshadows Pan's Labyrinth's third win of the night (this time, for cinematography). That areola's such a fucking attention whore.

Nastiest comment of the night at Defamer HQ: Sherry Lansing's resemblance to the bird that played the Flintstones' records with its beak. Ouch.

7:04: The Tom Cruise moment we've all been waiting for! He's introducing former Paramount head Sherry Lansing's humanitarian award. It seemed that Cruise was going to be content to quietly present Lansing with the award, but he ulitmately delivers the kind of spectacle we've come to expect: After calling Lansing onto the stage, a 50-foot couch is lowered from the rafters, prompting Cruise to light himself on fire, hop upon the gigantic sofa, and declare his undying love for Lansing's unparalleled charitable endeavors.

Yup, we went for the couch-jumping joke. We blame. André

7:02: The nominated costumes segment scores off the Unintentional Comedy charts, with "Eddie Murphy" making the absolute most of his five seconds of screen time. (We suspect it was actually Jamie Foxx playing the Murphy role.)

6:53: The Departed wins Adapted Screenplay, with William Monahan admitting a debilitating Valium addiction. We suppose this means we're not going to get Sacha Baron Cohen discussing his near death experience within the rancid folds of Ken Davitian's anus. Oh well. We'll always have the Globes.

6:50: The Children of Men adapted screenplay clip reminds us just how badly Universal fucked over that amazing movie.

6:45: Who let Affleck in? Obviously he snuck his way past a confused security guard by claiming the last five years of Matt Damon's career as his own.

Also: Penguins still totally hot as Happy Feet wins Best Animated Feature.

6:40: More Gore, via Defamer's Political Correspondent: "Gore thanked H'wood but not scientists—'I want to thank the Los Angeles community, which is one of the most polluted cities in the hemisphere, and not the environmental community.'" Hey, scientists aren't going to be the ones sucking up to him at Morton's in a few hours.

6:35: Despite Leo DiCaprio's prompting, Al Gore does not announce his candidacy for the presidential race, explaining, "I'm fucking terrifed of David Geffen calling me a fatty in the New York Times tomorrow."

6:23: Oscar Poll FuckageWatch: Upset! Alan Arkin's cracked out grandpa beats Eddie Murphy for Supporting Actor! The Curse of the Fat Suit is in effect. Five DreamWorks publicists bite down on the cynanide capsules they'd had available for just such a disappointment. J-Hud is feeling a little less sure of herself, sweating all over the tinfoil shrug she was obviously talked into wearing by an insane stylist.

6:20: The best idea we've heard tonight, courtesy of a friend at the Official Defamer Viewing Party: There should be a halftime at the Oscars. Sure, the ceremony would probably go over 5 hours, but at least we'd get a few minutes to relax and enjoy fifteen or so minutes of Prince stroking his demon cock.

6:14: The tribute to sound editors was sorely lacking a moment about how the incredibly lifelike flatulence from Blazing Saddles was created. We really wanted to see those 40 tuxedoed artists simultaneously putting their hands in the armpits and letting it rip.

6:05: A quick programming note: If you text FOLLOW DEFAMER to 40404, you'll get instant Oscar updates from this liveblog to your mobile phone from Twitter.com. Sound like an unbelivable amount of fun? It is! You can leave the laptop behind and stay connected even while using the bathroom!

6:00: Somewhere, Dakota Fanning plots the violent deaths of child actor competition Abigail Breslin and Will Smith's Son (name unavailable at posting time); Fanning's agent calms her irate client by reminding her that neither underage hack has done a rape movie yet.

5:53: During Will Ferrell and Jack Black sing "The Ballad of the Tragically Un-nominated," Peter O'Toole is unfazed by Black's threat to beat the old man to death with his Nickelodeon award. He's already been hardened by Ellen's eariler attack. Also, Ferrell, Black, and surprise crooner John C. Reilly promise to triple-team Helen Mirren. We fear this is only the first of many jokes relating to Mirren's incredible do-ableness.

In other news, Pan's Labyrinth wins again (make-up)! They're on their way to a sweep.

5:46: Dreamgirls loses its first Oscar of the night. Pan's Labyrinth wins Art Direction, but the victory seems somewhat secondary to DreamWorks' disappointment.

5:44: Host realizes that tambourine-and-gospel-choir act might have fallen a little flat: "I wouldn't want to follow that!" Luckily, first presenter Nicole Kidman has had every facial muscle paralyzed, making her unable to wince at the failed bit.

5:41 pm: Ellen kneecaps septuagenarian Best Actor nominee Peter O'Toole! He survives the attack, barely, once his nurse/date applies defribrillator paddles to the front of his tuxedo, shocking him right back into the opening monologue.. Also, this just in: Leonardo DiCaprio is totally cute!

5:40 pm: Obviously brainwashed by producer Laura Ziskin, DeGeneres boldly comes out against boring speeches. They don't want them!

5:37 pm: Ellen DeGeneres TuxedoWatch: She goes with the burgundy velvet! We thought she'd do with something a little more restrained to start, but she's already blowing our minds with her bold fashion choices. Next up: a lavender number incorporating chaps and a lasso.

5:32 pm: Errol Morris apparently gives every single Oscar nominee two and a half seconds of screen time in his groundbreaking reinterpretation of those Mac ads we all love so much. The best: Peter Morgan saying it's not OK to talk about wanting to fuck The Queen. (The real one, not Helen Mirren. It's perfectly acceptable to want to nail her.)