And it's not like rookie distributor Variance Films didn't have a trailer (follow the jump), a decent cast (Liv Tyler, Dax Shepard, Mike White) or even a fun poster to market. So what happened?

Part of it is Keaton's own fault. After a tandem comprising Something's Gotta Give (her most recent Oscar-nominated role) and The Family Stone, Keaton has coasted chronically through paycheck after paycheck. We'd seen hints as recently as 2001, when her mob comedy Plan B went straight to video, but her reputation as a selective stateswoman of American cinema slid for real with Because I Said So and the heist flick Mad Money. They combined for $62 million domestically but were generally reviled as beneath their star. And they were beneath Keaton; The Family Stone wasn't going to make anyone forget Annie Hall as a whole, but as late-career matriarch roles go, she was as good as she'd ever been.

Then came the DVD- (and hell-) ready Mama's Boy, co-starring Jon Heder and essentially remade as Smother with a date-movie-palatability quotient bumped up. Neither found traction with critics, but Variance didn't bother with press or preview screenings at all. That settled it for critics, with Ebert-thwacking indie grump Lou Lumenick positing "Diane Keaton Scrapes the Barrel" and another reviewer asking: "Does Diane Keaton owe some loan sharks a considerable amount of cash? Are there incriminating photos of her that she’s insistent never see the light of day?" We wouldn't rule it out.

And the thing is, she's still so smart and funny and beautiful — too much so for all of this. Smother, Diane? Really? The optimist in us has to move ahead assuming it's a rough patch, but so help us, if we her selling credit reports in a miniskirt on Pimp Ed McMahon's arm, we'll come save her ourselves. This is serious.

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Never one to look dowdy or frumpy, Armageddon star Liv Tyler went down to the corner market last night to pick up some milk for her cereal. While checking out at the market, the girl behind the register asked if Tyler was going to the nearby high school's homecoming dance or a movie premiere or if she was going to meet Prince Charming. Tyler said, "Nope. Just picking up some milk. Also, Prince Charming doesn't exist. Just Prince Good Enough."

[Photo Credit: Splash Pic]

*A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

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Looks like Liv Tyler should've asked her Armageddon co-star Ben Affleck for some tips on how to tip on the DL. While at LAX on Tuesday afternoon, Tyler attempted to slide the tip into the skycap's pocket, but the skycap mistook the gesture for something a bit more forward. Tyler explained that she was trying to tip him and didn't mean anything by it. The skycap smile and said, "You could just give it to me. No need to be a Sneaky Pete about things."

[Photo Credit: Bauer-Griffin]

*A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

WHAT'S NEW: Edward Norton still may not be doing much to promote The Incredible Hulk, but once all the behind-the-scenes drama died down and we actually got a chance to see the film, we realized, "Hey — this isn't so bad." Or rather, it is what it is: A loud blockbuster for 14-year-old boys, with top-to-bottom miscasting (with the exception of a pathologically brutal Tim Roth) exacerbated by action auteur Louis Leterrier's hamfisted touch. But! It is kind of spectacularly dumb, arresting summer viewing — we've heard it described as King Kong meets The Bourne Identity, which is just about perfect — and predictions of a $55-$60 million opening might even be understating things. It certainly won't get much competition from the paucity of what's around it this week, particularly...

THE BIG LOSER: The Happening has miserable word-of-mouth and an R-rating working against it, and while we can't add much beyond our previous dispatches and what our own Reviewer X mentioned here on Monday, we can say that we'll be pretty shocked if Manoj's Folly cracks $20 million by Sunday night. And that's probably a number Fox would be happy with, even if it means third or even fourth place overall behind Hulk, Kung Fu Panda and possibly Zohan. But this isn't Speed Racer — if this does hit $20 mil, expect a backlash to the backlash by the time we reconvene next week.

THE UNDERDOG: We alluded yesterday to the unhinged creepiness of Quid Pro Quo, a mystery/romance/mindfuck featuring Nick Stahl as a paraplegic radio journalist who, er... stumbles? Rolls? OK, happens upon a subculture of "wanna-be" disability fetishists. Among them: Vera Farmiga, who takes an immediate (and suspicious) liking to Stahl's baffled chair jockey even as their physical trajectories cross radically — hers en route to the paralysis she craves, his en route to walking again. The actors' heavy lifting saves writer-director Carlos Brooks's pretentious ass on more than one occasion, but conceptually, anyway, Quid wields the kind of strength and endurance M. Night Shyamalan only experiences these days from his hair product.

FOR SHUT-INS: This week's new DVD releases include the terminal-cancer buddy bomb The Bucket List; the Hayden Christensen teleportation adventure Jumper; Michael Haneke's American remake of his torture opus Funny Games; Zak Penn's terrific poker-culture satire The Grand; and finally, by popular demand, What's Happening! The Complete Series.

So are you Team Hulk or Team Happening? Can Manoj shatter expectations and bring home the hit he so desperately needs? Did we miss a diamond or some other, less-precious gem in the rough? It's Father's Day weekend — what does your old man want to see?

After gleefully noticing Liv's decision to leave that recent caked-on makeup and tranny-ish new look behind her, we couldn't help but grow worried as she told the tale of when Papa Tyler taught her about how one goes about flossing their teeth. Steven's method, you see, was to force little Liv to (cringe) "smell" the tape post-floss. Naturally, Liv found the scent "disgusting," and has been quite the star flosser ever since. But considering the life her metallic Speedo-loving father was leading at the time, we hope she never comes to the realization we've currently come to: Liv's gorgeous smile is the result of one whacked out bender Steven spent in the bathroom smelling dental plaque.

• THE TONIGHT SHOW WITH JAY LENO [NBC]

Judging by her appearance on The Late Show Friday night, Liv Tyler isn’t wasting any time moping over her recent separation from husband Royston Langdon. Showing up in a body-hugging little black silk dress, its lace top doing little to cover up cleavage, and pounds of makeup covering her typically bare face, it looks as though Tyler is taking a page from the Gwyneth Paltrow Guide To Hot Rock Moms. But does the trampy look work on Tyler? A closer look after the jump.

Tyler tried the whole vamp thing as that redheaded pin-up in One Night At McCool's, but we vastly prefer Liv as the vanilla nice girl who's way too beautiful to ever need makeup. Like her grungy, flannel-wearing Empire Records part, or really, any Aerosmith video she ever pole-danced or lap-danced her way through. This Jessica Rabbit look may nab the attention of those sidewalk schlubs below, but Liv is one of those rare actresses with the enviable capability of going out in jeans and no lipstick, still looking red-carpet ready.

[Photo credits: Splash]

• FROM ELF TO VAMP: NEWLY SINGLE LIV TYLER'S SHOCKING LOOK [Daily Mail]

Back in 1996, the then-very-cool Lemonheads frontman Evan Dando cast Liv as his girlfriend in his film Heavy. After Liv described him as "very cute" in an interview, rumors that the two were playing hanky panky naturally began. And before that, while filming Empire Records in 1995, Liv dated her insanely gorgeous co-star Johnny Whitworth. Finally, Tyler's said to have had an "encounter" with Leonardo Dicaprio in 1998, and of course, she spent three years with the irresistible Joaquin Phoenix. With a rap sheet like that, we have no doubt Liv will be flashing those famous dimples again in no time.

• LIV TYLER SPLITS FROM HUSBAND [Us]

As the NY Post reports, Ricci worked the red carpet like a pro, but ditched the party as soon as she learned that hostess Anna Wintour (Vogue EIC and most feared woman in New York) had opted to seat her far away from her boyfriend Kick Gurry (our new favorite "celeb" name, by the way!). And before the Gala even began, pissy Harvard boy Jeff Zucker reportedly made a very showy point to avoid Project Runway usurper Weinstein on the red carpet. Says a Post spy, "It was awkward." Awkward? More like the single most awesome sight we regret not seeing for ourselves.

As for the missing wedding ring, Liv Tyler showed up on the carpet after telling friends that "she and Langdon...married too young and that she'd started looking for a new apartment." But one bit of gossip from the drama-packed evening managed to put a smile on our face, courtesy of none other than John Mayer. After being accosted by questions regarding the status of his beachy fling with Jennifer Aniston, he told reporters, "This is not a scandal...This is not a problem. This needs no spin control. This is me living my life!" And on goes his recent trend of forcing us to like him however hard we fight it.

[Photo credits: Getty, Wireimage]

• COSTUME GALA'S SUPER-SNARKY [NY Post]
• IF LIV TYLER'S COSTUME COULD TALK [NYDN]

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In between takes of filming a commercial for Nintendo, a woman stopped and asked Liv Tyler, star of the upcoming The Strangers, if she was in fact Michelle Monaghan, star of the recently released Made Of Honor. Tyler explained to the woman that she wasn't related to Monaghan, but the woman insisted that Tyler must be an aunt or a distant cousin of Monaghan. Tyler continued to explain her genealogy by mentioning that her father was the singer for Aerosmith, but the woman shook her head and said, "Fine. Whatever. You're not related to her, but I most certainly know that she's a lot nicer."

[Photo Credit: INF Daily]

The Accused: DListed
The Crime: Disrespecting the Queen of Soul.
The Evidence: "Aretha Franklin better unlock the bra, because someone is in dire need of a titty slapping! ... Aretha won't be homeless, but if she needs dough I have a suggestion. Motorboat videos! Aretha's gigantic chichizillas were made for boob sexing." Honestly, words cannot convey accurate feelings about this, so I'm reduced to using an emoticon.
: (
The Sentence: A day spent shopping for a comfortable, supportive, attractive, full-figured bra. So fucking hard to find!

The Accused: The Skinny
The Crime: Monitoring a pregnant woman's weight gain ounce by ounce.
The Evidence: "Contrary to what I said in my last Jessica Alba post, she does now seem to be gaining weight all over." Well, she is feeding a parasitic human. What do you expect?
Additional Crime: Alluding to the fact that Lauren Conrad may be heavy.
The Evidence: I've gotten a few emails from people saying that Lauren Conrad is piling on the weight. ...She does look a little heavier since the last time we saw her..."
Combined Sentence: A vacation. Seriously. If she thinks that pregnant is fat and LC is fat, Rian needs to step away from the celeb pix and dig her toes into the sand. As do we all.

The Accused: Yeeeeah
The Crime: Mocking a woman's incredibly normal and oh-so-fine and really almost transparent body hair.
The Evidence: "Well, my early childhood mind always imagined that poor bare Fuzzy Wuzzy looked a lot like [Celine Dion] from the knee up. Mostly skin from far away, but up close, covered in an almost transparent downy fuzz, like an old man's ear canal or a fetus left in utero too long. Unfortunately, [Celine] finished gestating close to 40 years ago, so chances are she just forgot to shave above the knee for the last two or seven months." Listen, it's not normal for women to be completely hairless. Also, this is clearly a case of odd lighting. But! In any case! Who shaves above the knee???
The Sentence: Being repeatedly nicked by a razor while slathered in sting-inducing antibacterial soap.

The Accused: Yeeeah, a second charge!
The Crime: Equating pregant with fat; comparing an impregnated teenager to Jabba The Hutt.
The Evidence: "It's nice to see that Jamie Lynn Spears has finally chinned up. All three of them. When asked for comment, she said, "Bring me Solo and the Wookiee. They will all suffer for this outrage!" Perhaps multiple chins are the true source of Jedi mind trick immunity."
The Sentence: A big heaping serving of placenta for breakfast, lunch and dinner, for the next nine months.

The Accused: What Would Tyler Durden Do
The Crime: Suggesting that creamy-skinned Liv Tyler is pasty and obese.
The Evidence: "Liv Tyler was in the Caribbean last week, possibly because she heard there was an island where pale fatties with hilariously small heads were revered as gods. Now she's all set." Liv Tyler is not fat and her skin is gorgeous. End of story.
The Sentence: Talk shit about someone clearly enjoying their vacation and you know what you get? Sunburn and diarrhea.

The Accused: Drunken Stepfather
The Crime: Baiting us. He knows what's wrong and offensive, what will really set us off, so now that's exactly what he writes. Plus he's trying to be my friend on Facebook now. Lots of you guys suggest we ignore him, but here's the thing: You may not even realize how much women get bashed, criticized and judged on the Web. Ignoring it doesn't make it go away. A reminder — of how unfair, tired, shallow and systemically denigrating people can be is important. Why should we let him get away with being sexist and misogynistic without calling him out on it? Anyway.
The Evidence: "I am guilty of liking skinny chicks and appreciate any means a girl takes to get herself skinny. I am talking eating disorders, drug addiction, laxatives, extreme cardio, terminal illness, pretty much anything the world offers them to maintain their skinny bodies, because it takes some commitment, determination and it's a lot better seeing a girl frail from starving herself, than watching a girl sit on her fat ass eating donuts. Maybe I'm crazy."
The Sentence: We're still open to suggestions on this one. Thanks in advance.

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Being an actor is just such a tough job. Finding and reading the right scripts, then working on the project for a couple of months. Then there's the long hours and stretches away from your family. But then it's followed a month and half long vacation to Mexico. Whereas the writer, the lucky one, sits hunched over a laptop racking his or her brain to come up with the next great American catchphrase (let's be honest, will anyone ever top "Your eggo is preggo"?) and then coming home with his or her clothes smelling like Starbucks. And if one is lucky enough to sell the script, there are the endless rounds of notes and rewrites and notes on the rewrite and another round of rewrites. Man, it's so tough to be an actor.

[Photo Credit: Page Six]

In today's episode: Uma Thurman; Hilary Swank and Sean Young; James Woods; Liv Tyler; Kelsey Grammer; Val Kilmer; Marlee Matlin; Paris Hilton; Ginnifer Goodwin and Chris Klein; Kevin Dillon; Carson Daly; Rachel Dratch; Sarah Michelle Gellar; Simon Fuller, Ace Young and Kellie Pickler; Jason Lee and Giovanni Ribisi; Zooey Deschanel; Lucy Davis; Brooke Burns; Scott Ian; Ja Rule; Boris Kodjoe and Leslie Jordan.

· Monday February 5th 2pm Sat next to a very beautiful Uma Thurman and female friend at The West Hollywood Gateway Center outdoor cafe. She enjoyed a humble Gyro from Daphne's over the course of 45 minutes. She wasn't really recognized until she got up to leave and her tall, voluptious physique caught the attention of everyone within 100 feet.

· I saw Hilary Swank at Revolution Fitness on Montana Avenue in Santa Monica today (2/05/07). It was just before the 5:00 PM spinning class, and she came in announcing that she needed to borrow some shoes for the class. Then she added, "My name is Hilary." I don't even remember what she was wearing, but it was not anything dramatic. She was alone.

I saw a paparazzo (sp?) outside Revolution Fitness, waiting for Hilary. He was in a white Mercedes, the trunk of which was open. He was fiddling with a camera and preparing to pounce when she left the fitness studio.

I also saw what I firmly believe was Sean Young in the 6:00 PM indoor rowing class, also at Revolution Fitness, on the same day. She entered wearing this thick long coat...the kind of thing you'd wear if you were going on a trek through Siberia. She didn't stay for the whole class. Is Sean Young considered a celebrity?

· I had the requisite James Woods and starlet-working-out-her-daddy-issues girlfriend last night (2/1) at Jones' on Santa Monica Blvd. Waited a few minutes to be seated and seemed to be keeping the ball-busting curmudgeon schtick in check. I also couldn't help but note that girlfriend's nose job seems to have healed quite nicely, per an earlier James W. privacy watch submission.

· Does Liv Tyler live in Silverlake? Yesterday (Thursday), I saw her at our Trader Joe's at 11AM, looking every bit like a Silverlake Mom—- kid sitting in the shopping cart, funky glasses, etc. She was chatting with some guy (could have been the musician-husband but I don't think so) about the wonders of various TJ's frozen foods products. She's really very beautiful, in a natural some-people-are-born-with-it way.

· Saw Kelsey Grammer with his wife, Camille, at the Westfield Topanga food court in Woodland Hills. They were both trying for "incognito" in their dark sunglasses, but many hungry shoppers spotted him anyway. He is quite tall and was casually dressed in a black hoodie and khaki-colored shorts. They opted for organic food from Coral Tree Express, but when they looked for seats, there were none available. So, Kelsey asked another couple if they could sit at their table, and the clueless pair agreed, never once seeming to recognize the celebrity "doing lunch" with them.

· tuesday night, january 30, watched as a front row table was cleared (forcibly? only the occupants know) for val kilmer and his 5+ entourage for the nightwatchman show at hotel cafe in hollywood. First one then a second much younger female slid playfully onto his lap while val intensely with head bowed or in deep concentration absorbed the evening's performance. while not looking horrible, time has not been good to the middle-aged actor... noticiably bloated, greyed and wrinkled, booze and/or fun in the sun have taken their toll.

· Thursday, 1/31- Marlee Matlin at LAX. She's gorgeous. With her assistant. I was bummed it wasn't the guy who played her assistant on West Wing. Then I realized that television and life aren't the same thing.

Friday 1/26 - Paris Hilton at The Grove. By herself with a ponytail coming out of the top right hemisphere of her brain. And a headband. She was wearing those monstrous Mary-Kate & Ashley Olsen I-am-your-demented -grandmother-and-will- fuck-your-eyes-out shoes, skinny jeans, boring tee, and shiny Pink Ladies jacket (the style, not the brand). She touched my hand and I remarked (as I'm sure the one thousand other people she touched whilst barreling through to the front of the line did, too) that I'd just contracted herpes. It was hot.

· Saw Ginnifer Goodwin & Chris Klein at John O' Groat's for brunch on Saturday, 1/27 around 1:30pm. She was wearing this awesome beige, wool wrap with Uggs and yoga pants, no makeup, very fresh and pretty; he was in jeans, t-shirt and a baseball cap. She sat inside and waited for a table (they put their name in with everyone else) while he stayed outside (to keep attention away from themselves? not sure why). Very together, cute and normal.

· Kevin Dillon (JOHNNY DRAMA!) working out at the LA Fitness in Marina del Rey. Brought in his own personal trainer. The usual - smaller in person, worse skin. Still really do-able. But where the hell was Piven!??!

· sunday night, january 28, spent about two hours three stools down from kevin dillon and presumably his agent at tom bergin's on fairfax in l.a. now i know it's his main claim to fame, but either he's not much of an actor, or his entourage schtick is not acting at all. dressed in a white shirt and black suit, obviously intoxicated (and sucking down pints like no tomorrow), his new yawk swagger was spot-on for his popular tv character. even while sucking down cigarettes outside, it was deja vu watching him chat up the bartender and local sycophants.

· While noshing on the finest sashimi in L.A., I spotted an extremely manorexic Carson Daly dining with friends/co-workers at a table at Sasabune on Feb. 1st. He was hiding his protruding bones with the '90s long sleeve shirt under a t-shirt look. On Jan. 31st, I saw a fancy-attired Rebecca Romijn at The Urth Café in Santa Monica with a female friend.

· 1/31 - SNL alum Rachel Dratch chatting and laughing at a table of otherwise unrecognizable people at Mozza (yes, the pizza is worth all the fuss).

2/4 - Scream queen Sarah Michelle Gellar at Equinox Westwood. Flawless.

· 2/1 - simon fuller, ace young, and kellie pickler all cheering on chris daughtry at his el rey gig
2/2 - jason lee and giovanni ribisi sharing a vip booth at m. ward's show tonight at the el rey.

· 2/3 - Saw Jason Lee with family in tow (wife, Pilot Inspecktor, and two grandma types) at Dusty's in Silverlake. He looked just like Earl and was sporting a leather motorcycle outfit. Too bad the service there isn't as good as the sighting.

· At Mani's Bakery on Fairfax around 8p Friday February 2, Zooey Deschanel and a gaggle of male friends. They seemed to sit outside and leave without eating. Looks exactly like she does in the movies, with the big eyes and the skinny and the dark hair and everything.

· Friday 2/2/07: In line at LAX for my Southwest flight to Albuquerque. After I push women and children out of the way to snag my preferred seat and stow my luggage, I get settled in my seat. Boarding the flight after me was Lucy Davis (Dawn, the "Pam" from the original British "Office" and currently stuck on "Studio 60"). I felt bad for her having to fly with the hoi polloi. She kept her head down and chatted on the phone until we took off. Bonus — she was also on my flight back to LAX Sunday night. Again, chatting on the phone as long as possible (probably yelling at her manager to at least get her a coach ticket on a normal airline next time).

· friday 2/2 at the Wolfgang Puck Cafe counter in Gelson's Valley Village, I saw a stunning Brooke Burns...I always thought she was smoking hot on TV and she doesn't disappoint in real life. I don't know how tall she is, but i'm 5'10" and had to look up at her. she was with some actor-type guy that definitely was NOT bruce willis. lucky bastard. i'd so hit that.

· 2-4 saw Scott Ian rock god (without the red dye on his beard) pulling into Bristol Farms on Beverly in his Lexus Rx whatever hybrid family wagon looking like he was on a mission. Probably picking up those last minute snacks for the Super Bowl

· Just had dinner at Jerrys in Encino. Ja Rule was 2 booths down with an ugly little chic.

Boring!

· Just saw Boris Kodjoe last night at 24 hour fitness in Sherman Oaks Galleria. He was using the stationary bike while reading a script. Very reserved demeanor. He always appears to be in deep thought. Extremely handsome in person, and tall as hell.

· Monday 2/5: I saw the guy that played Beverly Lesley (Karen's nemesis) [Leslie Jordan] on "Will & Grace" wandering around Staples on Sunset. He's pocket sized—I just wanted to pick him up and hug him.