Ok!
"$75 Million For Baby #2."
Can we talk about this cover for a minute? We find it very conversational: "Shhhh!" and "Sorry Nicole — We Can't Keep A Secret" amd "OMG! Tiger Reveals What Really Happened." Inside, "sources" tell Ok! that there's been tension between Katie and Tom because he's been pushing for another baby since Suri was delivered. Wait, since Suri was delivered? Was he in the hospital when she came out, saying, "Gimme another one!" Anyways. Katie plans to get pregnant in the next year and Tom plans to set aside $75 million for his new offspring. A "pal" says part of the reason Katie's going to have another kid is because "she no longer feels like she's just Mrs. Cruise — she's her own person again. A sidebar headline reads: "Meanwhile, Tom's Ex Nicole Looks Pregnant." (see image 7) Dr. Christopher Sipe, who does not treat Nicole, says: "It appears she may be 30 weeks pregnant. Or she could be teasing the media." Wait wait wait. Nicole is 7 ½ months along? Or joking? Glad we narrowed that down. Moving on: Liza Minnelli and Adam Lambert are "surprise look-alikes." (See image 8.) Angelina Jolie says of Brad Pitt, "I met the right person and I don't like being without him." Reese Witherspoon and Jake Gyllenhaal are "taking a break." Jake is reluctant to live a "middle-aged lifestyle" what with the two kids and the farm and whatnot. They came to an agreement to spend some times apart and reconnect in a couple of weeks and see how they feel. Finally: Jessica Simpson is "smitten" with former Smashing Pumpkins frontman Billy Corgan "since connecting with the bald bad boy at a November 6 party." They left together and that was the last anyone heard of them for days!
Grade: F (flubbed shot)

Life & Style
"The Truth About My Marriage."
Ugh. As you may have noticed, L&S pushes the Kardashians on every other cover. They're on one week, off the next, then on again, and it's been going on basically since July. Or maybe earlier. We guess the editors struck a deal with the family, but the coverage is seriously tedious. Here's what Margaret learned from this incredibly long interview: Khloe says Lamar would be happy if she got pregnant right away, but she'd like to wait. And even though she met his 11-year-old daughter from a previous relationship, Destiny, she has never met his 7-year-old son Lamar Jr. That's what you get for rushing your reality TV wedding! Margaret thinks Lamar should concentrate on having his son meet his new wife instead of trying to make a new baby. Moving on: Lady Gaga is "making everyone crazy" and is responsible for Adam Lambert's sexed-up AMA performance, for Rihanna's "barely-there bodysuit" at the AMAs and for Miley Cyrus being more seductive. Britney Spears and Jason Trawick are talking about having kids; she wants a girl. But, the magazine warns that Britney "relies heavily" on two medications to remain stable. And it might not be wise to take them while she is pregnant. Health advice is servicey! Gwyneth Paltrow has been spotted in London without Chris Martin and an insider says they're staying together for the children. Gwynnie refuses to get divorced, but "she's lived the last year or so of her life like a divorcée." What does that mean? Because I picture it involves drinking wine and wearing cleavage-highlighting outfits. Lastly: In Tiger Woods news, an insider names another woman, Kalika Moquin, as someone Tiger has hooked up with a bunch of times. "Tiger told Kalika that married life isn't all it's built up to be," and that he was unhappy and feeling lots of pressure. Kalika is a marketing manager for The Bank nightclub in Las Vegas, and the mag has a pic of her (See image 9.) When contacted, she did not confirm or deny the affair, saying it was "not appropriate" for her to comment one way or the other. We take this to mean she hasn't yet settled on a dollar amount for which to sell her story.
Grade: D- (fat shot)

In Touch
"It's Worse Than Anyone Knows."
As we learned last week, Angelina wanted to take the kids to Asia for Thanksgiving but Brad was against it, because he wanted to go to his parent's house. Now Brad's parents are advising him to leave Angie "before the relationship destroys him." The Cambodia trip allegedly fell through, so the Jolie-Pitts stayed in LA for the holiday. The copy here reads: "With no obvious reason beyond his partner's selfishness, Brad was forced to call his mother Jane on November 17, canceling the plans his whole family had been looking forward to for weeks." On the phone, "Jane sensed Brad's hurt" and asked if he was alright. "For a change, he didn't sugarcoat it." GASP. "He told his mom, 'It's worse than you think,' the insider reveals, adding that Brad was 'in tears' during the call." Jane was shocked it was so bad and told Brad to leave Angelina. The mag adds: "His only joy these days is Jen, 40, with whom he has been talking or texting nearly every day." Brad has confided to his parents that he still has feelings for Jen and they are urging him to follow through. Brad was disappointed that Jen went to Morocco for the holiday but they made plans to meet when she's back. And! Jen invites Brad's parents to her annual Christmas Eve dinner every year, and this year, they accepted, for the first time. Oh, and Gwyneth Paltrow and Jennifer Aniston bonded when they were both in Morocco; they are both worried about Brad's future and almost called him together but decided against it. Moving on: Reese and Jake are being torn apart because he's very serious about marriage and children and wants to "make things official" but Reese never gives in. Maggie Gyllenhaal is trying to reunite them. Lindsay Lohan is having a "secret romance" with Entourage star Kevin Connolly. They've known each other for years but hooked up at a party at Leonardo DiCaprio's house in November and are "sneaking around." Ooh, plastic surgery special! Zac Efron's nose was "refined." Megan Fox had implants, lip injections and a nose job. Etc. (See image 10.) It goes on for a few pages. Lastly: Tom Cruise begged Katie Holmes to join him in Europe for Thanksgiving, but she stayed in New York.
Grade: D (double bogey)

Star
"The Fight To End All Fights!"
An alarm went off at Brad and Angie's house in LA, so the cops came, and left 20 minutes later. The mag claims: "Five alarm fights are the norm for Brad and Angelina these days." Apparently Angelina is a "screamer" and will get physical, shoving Brad. He wanted to go to Missouri for Thanksgiving; she wanted to take Pax on a humanitarian mission. So they fought. He told her she was selfish; she started hyperventilating and threw a chair at him. Brad stormed out of the house and went to Chateau Mirval — he said he was going to set up the house for Christmas, but he really just wanted to get away from Angelina. Brad is also mad that Angelina is trying to adopt from Africa again and not involving him in the process — and he doesn't want another kid yet. Please note: The image used on the cover is a picture of Angelina Jolie crying on UN World Refugee Day — June 20, 2003 (click that link and see). Brad and Angie did not get together until 2005, nearly TWO years later. Moving on: Tyra Banks is "super skinny" and "looks gaunt and waif-like." She looks fine to us? (See image 11.) Blind item! "Which singer is less of a gentleman than he seems? He hits the red carpet with gorgeous gals while hiding his real girlfriend — because she's a stripper." Hmm, Ne-Yo's album is Year Of The Gentleman… Reese Witherspoon had 40 people over for Thanksgiving and after eating they all sat around the piano and sang. Jake Gyllenhaal was a no-show, and "everyone was told not to mention his name." Reese and Jake broke up because he wants to get married someday, but felt that Reese was pushing him into it — he got freaked out and said he wasn't ready for such a commitment. David Hasselhoff went on a three-day drinking binge and was put on a psych hold at the hospital, but has been released. Britney Spears is pregnant! A "family insider" says she took a home pregnancy test after feeling queasy; her period was 2 weeks late. Two tests were positive! She called sis Jamie Lynn, who was not very supportive, telling Brit she hoped it was a false positive. Britney made JLS swear to secrecy, but JLS told the whole family. Jason is scared of making a huge commitment right now and "nobody thinks Britney's ready to be a mom again." Um, she's already a mom, right? Finally: A friend says Lindsay "just feels defeated and doesn't care what happens." She thinks "no one can save her, not even herself." LL was partyhopping on November 12 and wound up with Brandon Davis, her former enemy, and they were seen "bending out of sight and then wiping their noses after they stood back up." Which translates into "sniffing coke." When she saw photographers outside the house, she started throwing food out the window and acting crazy. At another party, Lindsay begged Leonardo DiCaprio to help her get a film role and he "gently suggested" she clean up her act. An insider says Lindsay took that as a slap in the face and the kind of help people are offering is not the kind she wants. Plus, her friends are abandoning her and she's resorted to hanging out with strangers. "These people don't care about her, so they don't stop her from taking so many drugs," a source says. "She could overdose and they wouldn't do anything. Lindsay knows it's dangerous, but she doesn't care anymore."
Grade: C (par for the course)

Us
"Yes, He Cheated."
In an exclusive interview, cocktail waitress Jaimee Grubbs, claims she's been having an affair with Tiger Woods for nearly three years. She played a voicemail from November 24 for the mag, which goes like this: "Hey, it's Tiger. I need you to do me a huge favor. Can you please take your name off your phone? My wife went through my phone and may be calling you. So if you can, please take your name off that. Just have it as a number on the voicemail. You got to do this for me. Huge. Quickly. Bye." In a sidebar on Jaimee, she spills details about how they met; when things first started getting physical; their first sexual encounter; how she made Tiger watch Desperate Housewives, which he "allowed" because "My friend Teri Hatcher is on it." Jaimee shares sexy texts from Tiger with the mag and there's a picture of her holding her iPhone with Tiger's name listed in it. Tiger told her his life was overwhelming, but that he needed the endorsements and busy schedule because he wasn't as financially stable as he wanted to be. "I thought, fuck him, I'm just an average person, that's a slap in the face. But he has really high goals for himself." And the end of the piece, Jaimee says: "I do apologize that his wife is going to have to read this… Whatever happens with Elin, I hope Tiger and I can reconnect and remain good friends." Yeeeahhh… Not gonna happen. Meanwhile, Rachel Uchitel is saying she did not have an affair with Tiger Woods but met him twice. Her friends, however, say that he was exchanging sexts and emails with her. And one email is about how he had a terrible dream that she was "getting fucked by [former flings] Derek [Jeter] and David [Boreanaz]. Some part of me thinks you would like that." MOVING ON. We loved Mindy Kaling's "25 Things You Don't Know About Me" — especially "I will see any movie that features a makeover set to music." (For more see image 12!) Next, Nicole Kidman is not pregnant, her rep confirms. John Mayer has a late night show "in development," but 85% of Us readers would not watch it. Jessica Simpson was overheard at a restaurant asking her mom, "Do I like Gouda cheese?" Have you seen Heidi Klum's adorbs new baby? See image 13! Also, you probably were not aware, but "Thanksgiving Is For L♥vers." (See image 14.) Lastly: "No celeb goes to Villa in West Hollywood on Thursday nights anymore." But on November 19, Lindsay Lohan and Jessica Alba's husband Cash Warren both showed up with their friends and sat together, and after about 30 minutes, started making out "lip on tongue." "It was raw," says an eyewitness. "They were not shy." Lindsay spoke to Us and says she and Cash are friends who are collaborating on a potential TV show. "This is so absurd. He is married. I wouldn't dare kiss him."
Grade: C+ (1 over par)

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From Ok!

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Ok!
"Oops, I Did It Again!"
Justin Trawick was tucking in Britney's boys when Sean blurted out, "Good night, daddy!" Britney's heart "simply melted," says a source. It was then that she realized how good a father and husband he would be! Britney wants a "real" wedding this time — the white dress and the wedding cake — but she doesn't want it to be a spectacle, says a "friend." The mag says Britney and Jason will wed on the beach in Costa Rica, Hawaii, Mexico or Australia, which really narrows it down! Brit will fly in 200 guests, including Madonna, Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan. Also, Britney is hoping "Jason can give her something else she's never had: A baby girl." Next: A source says that Jennifer Aniston will only date guys who are approved by her close friends, and she has rules: He has to be over 40, never married, no children, not a player, not a musician and not an actor. Producers are ok, as are writers and directors. But he has to be financially stable and emotionally stable. Finally: Robert Pattinson has a Christmas "surprise" for Kristen Stewart: He's planning a secret getaway to a cottage in the English countryside; then they'll spend Christmas in London with his parents.
Grade: F (stress fracture)

In Touch
"Katie Moves Out."
Katie's been telling Tom that she needs her space, but he keeps showing up to the set of The Romantics on Long Island. They had a fight in her trailer, and she said she's had it with his domineering ways and can no longer relate to his movie-star lifestyle. (?!?!) She's decided to stay in New York alone after the movie wraps. Tom was furious — they'd talked about purchasing a home in NY but Tom had never considered the idea of Katie living there alone. Katie's "embracing" their differences by shopping at the Gap instead of the designer boutiques her husband prefers — and hanging out with her parents, who don't like Tom. Two awesomely ridiculous sidebars: "Does Katie Have The Dawson's Creek Love Curse?" and "Tom's Exes Have Broken Free." (See image 7.) Moving on: "Celebrity Cellulite Wars" alleges that Rihanna and Beyoncé are "constantly pitted against each other." Now Beyoncé is "getting her revenge" because Rihanna "has embarrassing cellulite" while Beyoncé is "smooth and sexy." The copy declares: "Rihanna was spotted with lumpy thighs. It's been a rough year all around." Angelina Jolie is "ruining the holidays" by informing Brad that she plans on taking their six children to Vietnam. The accompanying caption reads, "No yams in Ho Chi Min city." Sob! Angie says she won't go to Brad's parents' house in Missouri because they don't get along. Brad's mom is "always telling Angie that the kids should be in school, and have a routine, and that they look messy." Also, when he's with his parents, Brad gets lazy — he lets them take care of the kids and "just sits around drinking beer." Brad and Angie had a fight about all this stuff, so he packed his bags and headed for the chateau in France, but as soon as he got there, Angie called and begged him to come home, "confused and trapped in a dysfunctional cycle of fighting viciously and making up, he agreed," an insider says. Next: A two-page story breaks down John Mayer's lyrics from his new album to illustrate how he's dissing Jessica and Jen. The song "Half Of My Heart" is about how John only loved Jessica with half of his heart — the part that liked her hot body! In Nicole Richie news, she has pneumonia, but hasn't been feeling great since she gave birth to Sparrow, is having a tough time handling two kids, fainted once and is too thin. "Their Real Bodies Revealed" features the freaky physical problems of the stars: Megan's "clubbed" thumbs! Denzel Washington's crooked pinky! Etc. (See image 8.) Finally, the best part of this magazine was a picture of Willow, an English terrier mix, reading My Son Marshall, My Son Eminem, a book by the rapper's mother. (See image 9.)
Grade: D- (plantar fasciitis)

Us
"Stuck On Mr. Wrong."
So basically Jennifer Aniston "can't let go" of John Mayer — there's something about him she can't resist. But John is "still in love with" Jessica Simpson. "He can't get over her — all of his friends don't get it." This despite the fact that John used to make fun of Jess — putting the phone down when she'd call and walking away while she rambled. When it comes to the ladies, John has system: "He charms them for weeks over e-mail, impresses with his intellect, and seals the deal with his prowess in bed." Jessica loved how John would educate her about music and life, and would listen like love-struck schoolgirl." Moving right along: Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes were at dinner party, when Tom turned to Katie and asked, "Where did you go to college? You went to Columbia, right?" Katie had to say: "I got into Columbia but I never went." Awkward! Ashlee Simpson spent over $20,00 on Pete Wentz's credit card and acted like it was nothing; "he's over it." Robert Pattinson has "secret demons" — Margaret thought he maybe killed a man or something, but no: "He's so unhappy," a source says. "He's grateful for the success, but it'd be great if he could just walk away from it all now. He feels completely trapped!" Lastly: Celebrities with shaggy bangs are clearly inspired by canines. (See image 10.)
Grade: D- (bunions)

Star
"48 Best And Worst Holiday Beach Bodies"
What's the difference between a regular beach body and a holiday beach body? Guess Star is hoping Americans waiting in airports and train stations this weekend want to know. There are 17 pages of male and female celebrities in swimwear. FYI: America Ferrera has "killer curves" and Jennifer Lopez has a "big red caboose." Kelly Bensimon has "patches of crepey skin" and Ryan Seacrest has a "jelly belly." Moving on: Joanna Krupa changed her implants, says a plastic surgeon who doesn't treat her (See image 11.) Taylor Lautner gave Taylor Swift a $200 sterling silver heart "commitment" ring from Tiffany. Blind item! "Which sexy celebrity chef was overheard bragging loudly about her fling with a famous singer? The crooner's known for lovin' and leavin', but she has a clueless husband. Burn!" Snoop Dogg almost didn't ring the bell at the NYSE — he slept through his alarm! Britney's kids drew all over the walls of her home, causing thousands of dollars in damage, but instead of teaching them to draw on paper, she put up plain wallpaper and let them go at it, because she wants them to explore their creativity. "Inside Jen & John's Twisted Romance" alleges that Jennifer Aniston planned her trip to Cabo for the two of them — but John Mayer never showed up. In October, she flew to NYC to visit him, only to have him ignore her calls for 3 days. "She was just waiting in her hotel room," an insider says. Then she flew home broken-hearted. "One minute he'll tell her he's not feeling in, and then the same night, he'll drunk dial her, telling her she's the love of his life. He tells her they're star-crossed lovers, and their romance is like a Greek tragedy." Who gets to poke out their eyes? Once Jen found a lacy thong in his bedroom, but John said it was hers. They argued about it, a source says, and "finally she gave up and said it might actually be hers — it's as if he has the power to brainwash her." And "After he flaked out on her in Mexico, she started emailing him photos of herself in a bikini and writing stupid stuff in the subject line, like "2 good 4 u." Next: Beyoncé and Jay-Z have been "working overtime" to conceive a child but have not had any luck, and Beyoncé is heartbroken. Shauna Sand says Chace Crawford was her "teen lover." She's 14 years older and says four years ago when he was 18, they had a "steamy, sex-filled romance." He was a virgin when they met and the first night he came over, she checked his ID to make sure he was really 18. When they first started hooking up, she had to show him a thing or two, but by the end, they were having "wild" sex with whipped cream and so on. Is Tiger Woods cheating on his wife with someone named Rachel Uchitel? They met in May and have been sexting. Allegedly. Teresa Guidice from RHONJ was filming a guest spot on Mercy and could barely remember her lines and kept cursing. When someone asked if she was the housewife who flipped a table, she said: "Don't effing bring that up." Carey Mulligan's best friend Keira Knightley has become a "La Beouf-blocker." Carey told Shia that Keira warned her that he's a player, which enraged Shia, because he's really genuine. Finally: Nicole Richie is in talks to star with Joel Madden on an at-home talk show where Nicole's famous friends pop by to be interviewed by the couple. She's turned down roles because she doesn't want to be away from her kids, but this way, she'd work from home.
Grade: D (corns)

Life & Style
"It's On!"
The editors of this magazine got a draft of the script for The Tourist, a new flick that Angelina Jolie and Johnny Depp have signed on for. And there are sexy scenes! For instance: "The outline of her naked body is visible in the shower," the script teases. "Frank walks to the shower and opens the glass door. Walking in, he lifts Kara against the glass, clutching at her slithery body, kissing her frantically. She kisses him back with ardor, wrapping her dripping legs around his back." Since Angie has hooked up with costars before (Jenny Shimuzu, Jonny Lee Miller, Billy Bob Thornton, maybe Colin Farrell, definitely Brad Pitt), and they're both Geminis, it is clear that they MUST fuck while filming. There's a great sidebar about how Angie and Johnny have so much in common: They both love France! Their kids love Pirates! (See .) Next: Janet Jackson has talked to ABC's Robin Roberts why she gained 60 lbs: "There are people that — if there's something that's stressful, whatever it may be, they don't eat. I'm the opposite." She discusses this in her upcoming book True You, which will be released in 2010. She told Robin: "It was originally about weight loss, but I wanted it to be more about my triggers. [My emotional eating] started when I was very little. My brothers were gone on tour a lot, and I would miss them so much. I wish I had a book like this when I was that young." Moving on, Lindsay Lohan is in counseling. She goes two or three times a week, and it's not a program or substance abuse thing, or a police officer watching her. It's someone to talk to in a confidential setting. A friend says: "Her problems are all about Daddy. If Lindsay had a stable dad, none of this would be happening." And this is an actual sentence in the magazine:

"Is seeing a therapist twice a week enough? All I can say is maybe," says Marc F. Kern, an addiction specialist in Beverly Hills who doesn't treat Lindsay.

In a sidebar, we learn that Lindsay posed for pictures for an upcoming issue of the French magazine Purple in which she's topless and simulating a threesome with a male model and a female model — the guy is lying on top of her. Is it a ploy to make Sam Ronson jealous? America's Next Top Model Nicole Fox says: "If there is any opportunity for me to model — I'll take the job." Lastly: Check out these weird courtroom sketches of Nicole RIchie, Amy Winehouse and Paris Hilton. (See image 13.)
Grade: D+ (callouses)

From In Touch

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Where so recently we were awash in underage pole-dancing and the image of our national icons teetering on edge of self-immolation, now they demurely stand to the side, giving us space to pity them while hip hops stars try in vain to steal their thunder.

After years of seeing Parish Hilton and her set push our culture to the brink of armageddon, can it be that we have really stepped back from the precipice?

Some evidence that the tide has truly turned:

• It has been nearly a year since we've had any big crazy mega-story on the level of Paris' arrest, Britney's hair cropping or Lindsay's initial lurch into insanity.
• Paris Hilton has been in a quiet tabloid-free relationship for months, and her biggest play for the media spotlight has been releasing a new shampoo line.
• Britney seems to have turned away from the brink of literal, not metaphoric, suicide and has released a not-at-all-a-trainwrecky album and gone a world tour from which the biggest controversy has been her onstage lip syncing.
• While Lindsay continues to rage, Twitter seems to have been the right amount of rope for her to hang herself; her outbursts are now so common and so plainly on view for the world to see that they barely attract much notice.
• Selling millions upon millions of albums, sweeping up every award American music has to offer, dorky, sweet, actually-scarily-talented, only-a-monster could hate, Jonas Brother-dating Taylor Swift's star has eclipsed even Miley's.
• The biggest tabloid event of the season has been been Khloé Kardashian's after-all-the-fireworks, heartwarming, in-the-end-drama-free commitment to lifelong love with Lamar Odom.
• The most read about actress of our times, Kristen Stewart, may indulge in a fair amount of public sulking and foster ambiguity about her relationship with her co-star, but to date she has yet to release a sex tape, openly steal a friend's boyfriend, get arrested or publicly lash out in an insane hate-filled rant. Her moods and snits are well within the bounds of pre-apocalypse young starlet divadom.
• The absence of public misbehavior has been so marked that the paparazzi are having trouble even surviving.
• Even the high priest of the mean girls era, Perez Hilton has been forced to start a bitchy-lite offshoot.
• And the era's leading enabler, Joe Francis, is finally so deep in legal troubles that he seems on the brink of being buried by his own wretched world.

The upside of this are clear: our national solvency can't but be helped by young girls actually having positive role-models and not being encouraged to grow up into out-of-contol, drunk-on-narcissism, half-witted tabloid fodder striving desperately for negative attention.

Still, on the other hand, so many have wished Paris and Lindsay to be gone for so long, that shouldn't we be just a little bit worried that on the brink of getting our wish, we may be walking into a trap; that standing on a hill somewhere Mr. Roarke is watching our sea plane taking off and saying, mysteriously, "Yes, Tattoo, America got its fantasy of a world with no Paris, but, my friend, but at what price?"

Is a world where stars comport themselves with dignity, remember to thank their parents, refrain from swearing, never tape themselves having sex, don't steal their friends' husbands and don't Twitter in the middle of the night on meth, really what we want? Nice, earnest, stars devoted to their craft and wanting to do good for their community...you wanted it and now we've all got it. Unfasten your seat belts...the Ferrari is coming to a halt.

Courtenay Semel, for those who are not familiar with her heiress-level fameballing, is not a shy and retiring person. A person does not make out with her attention-craving girlfriend Tila Tequila on red carpets because she mistrusts the media; a person does not scream at a club bouncer to "just fucking Google me, you dumb fuck" because she mistrusts the media; and a person certainly does not "joke" to a magazine reporter that "I'm kind of like the Don Juan of the lesbian world," as Semel did with Curve, because she mistrusts the media.

So it's odd that Semel would tell Curve that the "media kind of ruined that relationship" she had with Lindsay Lohan by saying the pair were dating. Semel added: "I can't even have a best friend because I guess I'm going to be linked with them next." But maybe she also can't have friends because she gives underminey quotes about them, like this one, from the new interview:

I think, you know, everyone scrutinizes, Lindsay for everything she went through, but they should thank her, because it shows you exactly what not to do.

That's a fairly cutting quote considering that Lohan has yet to enter rehab per Semel's urging. Of course, when Semel only went to rehab herself after her dad cut off access to the trust fund, something she left out of her little zinger. Semel, it would seem, grasps the advantages of strategic oversharing as well as the rest of her internet-bred generation; if only daddy Terry had been so savvy, Yahoo might be in a better place today.

[via People]

(Semel with heiress Casey Johnson this past May, top, via INF; Semel-Tequila pic, lower, via x17online.com)

In Touch
"Oh, Baby! 'We're Ready!'"
Here's what Margaret learned: Kendra is a die-hard Nancy Grace fan and is worried about people who hurt children. "I tell Hank, we're going to know every neighbor, every teacher, every priest, everybody around us. We will make sure to be surrounded by good people. Like Jaycee Dugard — how can you not know your neighbors have kids living in tents in the backyard?" Khloe went to breastfeeding classes with Kourtney. None of this is scintillating, but there it is. Also inside: Suri Cruise has found her "sole mate" — another little girl who wears heels! (See image 7). Lots of random stuff in the Aniston/Jolie/Pitt story: Jennifer Aniston has given her friends permission to talk about Angelina for Andrew Morton's book, because she wants the world to know what Angie is really like. While they were filming Mr. & Mrs. Smith, Angie would call Brad repeatedly. "Angelina wanted to plant a seed of doubt in Jen's mind that something was going on with her and Brad," says a friend. "Jen and Brad would fight about it, then Brad would seek comfort from Angelina." At the time, Brad and Jen were actively trying to have a baby. Brad's pal says the book will probably contain information about Angelina that would make it easier for Brad to leave her — with nobody thinking worse of him. Dr. Gilda Carle, who does not treat anyone involved, says the book could open up communication between Brad and Jen and may lead to them reuniting. A story about Beyoncé's baby plans begins, "Beyoncé may soon be putting a diaper on it instead of a ring!" Does that even make sense? Lastly: Kate Hudson is "so desperate" to marry A-Rod, she even agreed to sign a pre-nup agreement to protect his $300 million fortune. A friend says she's already met with an attorney, intent on proving she's not after his cash.
Grade: F (rotting fish)

Ok!
"Angie's Adopting… Without Brad!"
Angelina is "preparing" to bring home a little girl from Syria, "a move that could result in an almighty showdown" in their "already strained relationship." Angie met the girl in October when she traveled to Syria with the UN Refugee Agency. Some more hyperbole: "Blinded by her desire to adopt again, Angie has failed to see the many glaring issues that are threatening her relationship with Brad." Just so you know, this adoption will be "a slap in Brad's face." Moving on: Matthew McConaughey's ladyfriend, Camilla Alves bought son Levi a baby bunny as a pet. (See image 8). Lastly: Secrets from the set of Glee! Madonna requested DVDs of the series for her kids, and is letting the show use her songs for an episode! Quinn and Rachel used to be roommates in real life!
Grade: F (rancid meat)

Life & Style
"Angelina's A Total Fake"
Apparently Angelina "manipulates and controls" every aspect of her life. Is that really a bad thing? Anyway: According to an "insider," Angelina has "mastered the ability to play the greatest role of her life — that of a doting mother and partner who'd do anything for humanity. But the truth is more complex." The mag claims Angie has "no sense of right and wrong" and convinced Brad that their relationship was fine when he was with Jennifer Aniston. "Angie created a world where he was free of accountability and responsibility for another person's feelings." Angie told Brad what was happening between them was bigger than they were and there was no way to deny it. She said they were destined to be together. Maybe she was right? Anywhoo, "Though the actress has stated that she wants the kids to be worldly, growing up in many places, some believe it may be harmful to deprive them or a stable home base." Also, Angelina and Brad are addicted to adopting, and Angelina is addicted to fame. More accusations and bullshit too tedious to print inside. Oh, and she "Says one thing, does another." (See image 9). She says she doesn't think about what she wears on the red carpet, but uses a stylist? That doesn't make her a hypocrite, that means someone else is thinking about what she wears on the red carpet. Gah. Moving on: An insider close to Jay-Z says: "Jay wanted to marry B and make babies with her from practically the day they met." When they were engaged, he called her "wifey" and "my baby's mama." Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer went on a date! He took her to his manager's birthday party. An eyewitness says: "They were clearly a couple. They were acting very lovey-dovey… She was giggly all night." Finally, TLC's T-Boz has Swine Flu! Over the years, she's been diagnosed with sickle-cell anemia, had brain surgery to remove a non-cancerous tumor, and now: H1N1. It took her two weeks to recover, but she says she won't get the vaccine next year, because whenever she gets a flu shot, she feels sick for about three days.
Grade: F (sour milk)

Us
"Angelina's Cruel Lies"
Ian Halperin's new book, Brangelina: The Untold Story of Brad Pitt & Angelina Jolie , has lots of claims, like: Angelina spread nasty rumors about her romantic rival Jen Aniston; a tipster says Angie was recently taking crystal meth; and Angelina and Brad are just one year from splitting. According to one of Halperin's exes, who worked on Troy with Brad Pitt, but never saw Brad with Angie, "They've broken up so many times, it would make your head spin." A limo driver says: "She has a temper like a cobra." Halperin claims that in 1998, Angie was so distraught that she hired a hit man to kill her. LOL. Also, Brad met a Sudanese model named Amma at a Darfur event and they flirted, fueling fears of cheating. An employee and the Dorchester Hotel in London overheard Shiloh refer to a nanny as "mommy." And, Halperin says, "It wouldn't surprise me in the least if the two were broken up by Christmas 2010." On the other hand, Us reports that Angie and Brad are enjoying "a peaceful French life" : A recent visitor says Angie was in the kitchen doing dishes while the kids were running outside; she could watch from the window. The kids have free reign on the estate's 880 acre grounds; Pax and Maddox run around for hours pointing their fingers at each other like guns. Shiloh and Zahara bond with the ponies and donkeys on the estate and "revel in golf cart rides with Daddy." An insider says: "Every time the cart goes over a bump, Shiloh squeals with delight." Moving right along: We love 3 of the "25 Things" you don't know about Dolly Parton: "I have a treehouse where I write a lot of children's songs." And! "I still believe in Santa, the Easter Bunny, the Tooth Fairy, and true love. Don't even try to tell me different." And! "I get acrylic put on the inside of my nails as well as the outside. It makes them just like guitar picks." On another page, Kim Kardashian reveals, "I lost my virginity to an R. Kelly CD." Wait, you had sex with a disc? "We put up the music really loud," she clarifies. Lindsay Lohan was "trailing after" Kellan Lutz (Twilight, 902010) at a club and "when she wasn't following him, she was texting him." She talked to him for 5 minutes — but it ended there. He has a girlfriend.
Grade: D- (freezer burned ice cream)

Star
"Mind Games!"
An insider says Jen and Angelina despise each other, and take great pleasure in seeing each other squirm. "Neither has an ounce of empathy." After Thanksgiving, Brad is filming The Lost City Of Z in Brazil, and Jen is planning a vacation in Mexico, but will take a side trip to Brazil! "Jennifer sees her chance for a reunion far from the prying eyes of Hollywood," a source says. "And she knows that when Angelina finds out — and she certainly will — she'll be livid." Jen gets drunk and calls Chateau Mirval in the middle of the night — and she likes that she wakes up Angie. Every time she hears that Brad and Angie are having problems, Jen will call Brad and "act sweet." Then Brad unloads on her, telling her Angie's being moody and difficult, and Jen loves that. Angelina steals all the roles that Jen wants and laughs when Jen's movies bomb. Angelina knows which designers Jen likes and when her "spies" find out she's asked for something, Angie tries to get it first, and be photographed in it. Angie knew that Jen wanted to wear an Elie Saab dress to the Oscars, but Angie got it first, and poor Jen had to wear Valentino. : ( Angelina isn't crazy about Brad's scruffy look, but Jen recently texted Brad, telling him he looked handsome and distinguished in his goatee. Brad likes watching them fight over him, so he purposely leaves out his cell phone so that Angie can see Jen's called or texted. Moving on: A handwriting expert analyzed Twilight autographs, and now we know that Robert Pattinson is highly intelligent; Kristen Stewart is "more traditional and stiff" and Rob and Kristen "feel safe with each other." (See image 10.) Blind item! "Which former TV host shocked patrons at LA's Voyeur night club on October 29 when he debuted his new face? Sources say he recently got a hush-hush eyelift that made him unrecognizable." Since his kid was born, Colin Farrell's girlfriend put a swear jar in his house — every time he curses he has to put in $100. Tobey Macguire was running and heard a "pitiful meow" and saw a scared kitten stuck in a tree! He pulled her to safety with his Spider-Man grip. Rihanna told Diane Sawyer that she doesn't hate Chris Brown, but and insider says she "despises" Chris — so much that if someone mentions his name, she'll say. "Please don't talk about him." Lindsay Lohan went to Crown Bar, where she ran into her former live-in love, Courtenay Semel. She asked to be moved to a table away from Courtenay, then "flirted heavily" with Twilight's Kellan Lutz, to no avail, then ran from the club to "sob in an alley." Lindsay also partied super-late three nights in a row at Leonardo Di Caprio's house. "Wow! Jessica's Revenge" is about how Jess Simpson dropped 15 pounds in 30 days "and she's not done yet." First she lost 5 lbs. by doing a three-day cleanse; then she cut meat from her diet and eliminated her favorite fatty Mexican foods — and has barely touched alcohol. A doctor who does not treat Simpson says: "This is the old Jessica we all know and love." Yes, not the sad, burrito-loving one! The vengeful, fasting one! The whole time Bradley Cooper has been dating Renée Zellweger, he's also been hooking up with his ex, Isabella Brewster — the younger sister of Jordana Brewster. "He wanted to keep it hush-hush, so usually, they'd just grab takeout and stay in," says a source. "He'd call and tell her, 'Bring your hot self over here, and don't forget dinner.'" Lastly: A man who wrote a book titled Blown For Good — about escaping Scientology — says Tom Cruise audited him when the guy was 17. This was 20 years ago. The dude says: "Tom would talk to inanimate objects, like books, desks, bottles, even ashtrays — for hours. You tell the ashtray, sit in that chair. And then you actually go over and put the ashtray in the chair. Then you tell the ashtray, 'Thank you.' Then you do the same thing with the bottle and the book. And you do this for hours and hours." Why? It's Scientology's "Book and Bottle Routine" that "rehabilitates" your ability to control things and be controlled. The guy says he was in a Scientology compound where he was forced to watch clips of Tom Cruise on talk shows. But then he snuck a small TV in and started watching late-night talk shows that made fun of Tom. "I'd see Conan O'Brien dissing Tom, and I was like wait a minute… They were all laughing their butts off about Tom Cruise being a crazy nutjob, but I thought he was awesome."
Grade: D (furry, moldy berries)

Click "full size" to enlarge.

Click "full size" to enlarge.

Earlier: All previous Midweek Madness posts

OK!
"Yes! We're In Love"
Taylor Lautner and Taylor Swift are so on! Swift is hosting SNL November 7, and Lautner may appear! And Lautner may take Swift as his date to the New Moon premiere! Also: Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart had a "couple's self-therapy session" when they met up at his hotel in Beverly Hills and talked through their problems. Moving on: Kate Hudson and A-Rod may get hitched. A Source says: "He wants to think of a creative and cute way to pop the question." Kate loves to joke, "I don't look like a Rodriguez, so you'll have to take my name." Khloe Kardashian says: "We definitely want a big family. Lamar keeps asking me when I want to start!" Margaret says: You've only known each other for two months, so you have time. Lastly: The kids from Glee get the tabloid treatment when the mag asks, "More than just friends?" When you read the article, you find the answer: No.
Grade: F (fetid quagmire)

Life & Style
"I Love Being Pregnant"
Where are the covers which read "I Hate Being Pregnant!" or "I Feel Fat & Gross"?? Anyway: Kourtney Kardashian is "excited to be a mom" but also "nervous." YAWN. Moving on: Britney Spears wants to marry Jason Trawick! She says the sex is great! But an insider says: "Jason truly cares about Britney. Nobody doubts that. But in terms of real chemistry, it's not really there. It's more like they're best friends with benefits." Next: We don't even know what to say about "Taylor's Last Shirtless Photo Shoot," (see image 7) and we might go to jail for looking at it, so let's move on. The story titled "Kristen Stewart & Robert Pattinson: Love At 30,000 Feet" is, unfortunately, not about joining the mile high club. Instead we learn that the two secured the entire first class section of an Alaska Airlines flight for themselves — and sat next to each other. Brad and Angie found time for a "date night." The caption on a picture of them in a car reads: "The Look Of Love: As Brad drove his new Camaro, 'Angelina looked at him with an expression of admiration,' says a witness." Lastly: Fergie and Josh Duhamel are having a marriage crisis. A friend says he's gotten into trouble with Fergie over his flirting before — and usually he "crawls back to her and begs for forgiveness." Now the allegations are that he hooked up with a stripper and a source says: "Fergie's in denial. She's going on like it's business as usual."
Grade: D- (murky bog)

Us
"Fergie Betrayed"
Don't you just love how the cover shows Ferg looking innocent and her man with a wandering eye? Stripper Nicole Forrester was allegedly offered $20,000 for her story about having sex with Josh Duhamel — but has yet to collect. She did pass a lie detector test and is in "possession of racy texts." She says a seemingly inebriated Josh "wanted to party" so they watched porn, then hooked up. They fell asleep together and he kept waking her up to have more sex. Josh's rep denies everything. Next: Rihanna says, "I am stronger, wiser and more aware" now. And: "You don't realize how much your decisions affect people you don't even know — like fans." Jennifer Aniston had a tipsy night out at some wedding — she was "the life and soul" of the party and danced to "Paparazzi." Jude Law and Sienna Miller are hooking up — a source says "They're fooling around again, but I'm not sure if they're dating." Kate Hudson and A-Rod "love having sex." People will call her and she'll say "we're having nap time," which is what they call their sex time. Brad and Angie attended a party thrown by Times columnist Nicholas Kristof. He says: "I emailed Angie last minute — and they came." No limos for these kids — Brad drove himself and Angie there in a Chevy Camaro. Lastly: The Lindsay Lohan spread called "What's Wrong With Her Face" just made us sad (see image 8).
Grade: D (mucky swamp)

In Touch
"The Fight For Suri"
Tom wants Suri to be homeschooled, as is common in Scientology, and Katie wants her to go to Catholic school when she turns 5. Kate has become disenchanted with Scientology, and she doesn't like that Tom's other kids, Connor and Isabella — who were homeschooled — have very few friends, and the friends they do have are Scientologists. Katie is also freaked out by Scientology's reluctance to give kids medicine and assigning kids chores at a young age. Plus, she doesn't like that Suri's Scientology nanny has been giving Suri a drink called Calmag, which is made with calcium, magnesium, vinegar and hot water, and "relaxes children." The mag calls Suri "an adult at age 3" because she uses the dictionary — her nanny encourages her to look up words she doesn't know when reading; she doesn't play with kids and has no friends her own age. Moving on: "No Longer Embarrassed By Their Boobs" is four pages about women who have changed their breasts: Megan Fox got implants; Queen Latifah got a reduction; Drew Barrymore got a reduction and Christina Aguilera got implants because she was insecure. Next: Angelina found out that Brad's been texting Jen by going through his cell phone while he was asleep. He didn't deny it and admitted to Angie that he misses his ex-wife; Angie spent the rest of the day in tears. But! "That night, she made a point of appearing with Brad in public." And! Brad doesn't care how upset Angelina is — he's going to continue texting his ex-wife. In Fergie/Josh news, one source says Josh is so in love with Fergie and none of the cheating rumors are true. Fergie is apparently "sobbing" behind the scenes. Michael Lohan is now bad-mouthing Jon Gosselin, saying: "Jon has become secretive and distant. He has become a different person than I thought he was." By which you mean he wants nothing to do with you?!?! Janet Jackson has reunited with Jermaine Dupri and is planning to marry him. Janet is planning to eventually raise Michael Jackson's kids and thinks it would be good for them to have a father figure. She'd like to get married early next year — "the family needs something to smile about," a source says. Tony Romo is dating Candace Crawford — Chase's sister — and Jessica Simpson is "heartbroken" because Tony has invited Candace to live with him. Jess totally wanted to live with Tony when they were together, but he said No. Lastly, "Who Wore It Better" pits celebrity children against each other, regardless of age: That's why Lourdes has to battle Suri. (See image 9)
Grade: D (gassy marsh)

Star
"Angie & Brad's Dark Secrets Exposed!"
Ian Halperin, who's done unauthorized books on Kurt Cobain and Michael Jackson, is writing a new salacious tell-all, called Brangelina Exposed. He claims that Angelina throws things at Brad. She makes comments about Jennifer Aniston all the time, like, "You'd be just as miserable with Jen" — and Brad shoots back, "Jen would never act like you." Brad is depressed and deals with by smoking pot and drinking almost every night. Brad is also "slipping in and out of his home" through neighbor's yards to meet "a waiting Town Car that spirits him away from his family drama." Oh, and Brad is "drinking away his looks." (See image 10.) Meanwhile, Angie is in an ongoing lesbian relationship with Jenny Shimuzu. Jenny started calling after Angie's mom died and "there's always bee an animal attraction between them." Angelina has another lady on the side near their chateau in France; she's an artist around Angie's age and they see each other whenever Angie is in town. Finally, they have a "whole crate" of intimate pictures and video that Brad took during the early days of their relationship. Scandalous! Moving on: Jessica Szohr brought her boyfriend Ed Westwick to a friend's wedding in Milwaukee and after a couple of drinks, she made Ed do a special dance for the bride. It involved Ed shirtless. (See image 11.) If you want a Lady Gaga My Little Pony, it'll cost you $589 and up! (See image 12.) Blind item! "Which hunky actor is a real stinker? His girlfriend has refused his kisses because of his seriously bad breath. Maybe that's the reason they're constantly on and off." (How about: All of them.) Chris Martin was seen making out with Kate Bosworth in the VIP section of U2's Las Vegas show. Other stars in the VIP section at the time include Bill Clinton, Jessica Alba and Sean Penn. Later Bosworth was telling people about being good friends with Gwyneth, maybe to justify her actions? Supposedly Chris has had a crush on her since he saw Blue Crush. Levi Johnston is going to sue Sarah Palin because she's preventing him from seeing his son. Next: Is Nicole Richie wearing a wedding band? Did Adam Lambert dump his boyfriend for another guy? Also inside: Britney Spears is planning a spring wedding to Jason Trawick. Their relationship is the result of a devious plan by Brit's parents, Jamie and Lynn: They stared trying to hook Britney and Jason up in 2007 — but Jason was fat then, and didn't have the dangerous side that Britney likes. The parents decided that Jason needed to get hotter — and fast! They were so crafty that Britney believed the makeover was her idea: She had her hairstylist dye his hair and give him a better goatee; and they've been working out together everyday. Peep Jason's new look — and his old look, which is K-Fed-esque (See image 13). Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher are falling apart. They were arguing in the car before a GQ event; Demi was upset that Ashton was pounding beer. She said it was immature to drink so much before the party. Plus, she's "always uncomfortable" when he's around pretty young women, and she doesn't want him going out without her — for fears that some young starlet will snap him up. Do you get it yet? SHE IS OLD. Lastly: Michael Bublé's ex is warning his current girlfriend that he's "a cheater and a rat." The ex says that he was sleeping with her during his 3-year relationship with Emily Blunt.
Grade: D+ (dense wetland)

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(click "full size" to enlarge)

(click "full size" to enlarge)

Arianna Huffington has allowed her editors to run ultra-close ups of the aging body of Vogue's Anna Wintour ("what does she really look like?") and now actresses Lindsay Lohan ("unedited" and splotchy) and Elizabeth Hurley (a bit sweaty). It's a case of her unprofitable company's need for monetizable, non-political Web traffic (read: cheap celebrity clicks) running headlong into Huffington's need to suck up to celebs, who write for her site and come to her parties and help her seem very glamorous.

We won't lecture Huffington on her company's too-often-shoddy attempts to make money in the online publishing racket. At least, not in this post. But we will keep her honest: If Huffington is going to run unedited pictures of others, it's only fair there should be some unedited pictures of her out there.

Click any of the images below to pop-up large, hi-res versions. (Warning, this may slow down your web browser and ruin your lunch.) We've played by HuffPo rules: Posed, red carpet pictures with no editing. We've also excerpted a highlight, as Huffington did with Wintour.

UPDATE: Jessica Wakeman at The Frisky notes that the first chapter of Huffington's book On Becoming Fearless is about positive body image. Plastering someone's picture on HuffPo is certainly one way to nudge that person toward becoming "fearless."

Us
"How I Survived Abuse."
The Mary Murphy cover story is about how she was married to this guy from 1978 to 1987 and he raped her, beat her and blamed her for having a miscarriage. Then she got into dancing and it saved her life. Next: Beyoncé called Lady Gaga and asked her if she wanted to be in a video shoot — with two hours notice— and Gaga said yes! Heidi Montag says she's gearing up for a second nose job after being elbowed in the face during a dance rehearsal. The Jackson Family is still shooting their A&E reality show — to air in December and MJ's kids will be included. Rebbie Jackson allegedly feels Michael would "spin in his grave" if he knew. Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer are secretly back on: A source says she just can't let go — and she's sad that her summer flings have moved on and Vince Vaughn has been on TV lately and so on. But John is so busy getting ready for a tour he can't even think about dating. Taylor Swift was seen in a "romantic embrace" with Taylor Lautner at one of her concerts. "But the Taylors' teenage hormones really took off at the after-party," the mag claims.
Grade: D- (slimy boiled okra)

OK!
"Inside Our Home."
Just so we're clear: At no point do Rob or Kristen utter the quotes on the cover like "Inside our home" or "we're already like a married couple." This is fanfic about Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart's "love nest" at the Vancouver Sheraton Wall Centre, where they supposedly share the entire 34th floor with adjoining 2-bedroom suites, and a third suite for guests. Rob and Kristen sleep in a king-size bed and microwave Rob's "beloved Hot Pockets" in one of three kitchens. And! "Their room contains no fewer than six natural gas fireplaces, in front of which Rob serenades Kristen with Van Morrison and John Lee Hooker tunes on one of his Gibson guitars, and Kristen reads aloud from the volume of Virgil's Doomed Love that he gave her this year." A "friend" says when they have a day off, they sleep and cuddle all day. One time after out running the paparazzi, they got into an elevator and, as the mag puts it, "then they ascended to their celestial nest and left the real world behind." Also, the picture of their "bedroom" in this story is directly from the hotel's website. Next: George Clooney is trying to quit boozing so he didn't invite Brad Pitt to Italy this summer — a "source" says "he didn't want to get sucked into an endless drinking session." Justin Timberlake is telling his inner circle that Jessica Biel has changed since they first met and he wants to see other women. But she refuses to let go! They're giving the romance another chance, because JT "doesn't want to go out like that" — looking like a cad. Moving on: Kourtney Kardashian is having a boy. Taylor Swift and Taylor Lautner — who met on the set of Valentine's Day — may be dating. They've been calling and texting "all the time." Apparently TL threatened to kick Kanye's butt and TS was touched. At the Gosselin Twins birthday party, the girls blew out candles and then told a camera crew member that their wish was for mommy and daddy to stop fighting. Sniff. Rihanna is "looking more fierce than ever." The secret behind her new confidence? She's finally stopped talking to Chris Brown.
Grade: F for false story, upgraded to D for entertainment value (old pumpkin turned into jack o' lantern)

In Touch
"At War With Tom."
Apparently Katie's parents came to visit. But it wasn't just a visit — it was a "crisis talk." They're not happy with Tom pressuring Katie to have another baby when she's not ready. Despite the tension, Tom and Katie are trying to keep Suri happy. Even though the mag claims TomKat is fighting over religion, Suri's already enrolled in Catholic pre-school. So whatever. Next: Lindsay Lohan may have tried to kill herself. Her rep denies the story, but Grazia reported she'd been rushed to the hospital at 8 in the morning with deep slash wounds on her right wrist. She'd been drinking and crying for hours. She allegedly told hospital staff she'd cut herself trying to open a bottle of wine. Michael Lohan tells the mag: "Look at Michael Jackson. I'm afraid she's headed down that path." Next there's a six-page story called "Why They Can't Stop Gaining," which includes Oprah, Kelly Clarkson, Jon Gosselin, Kirstie Alley and Kevin Federline. Also inside: Jon Gosselin sucks because he pulled one of his daughters by the ponytail and yanked one of his son's arms. Then he promised Mady a laptop and Cara an ATV. A psychologist who does not treat Jon says, "You can't put a kid on an ATV." Did you know that Jesus gets an allowance? Madonna gives him about $10,000 a month to cover expenses. Nicole Kidman has "gone to far" with her "shockingly smooth skin." (See image 7).
Grade: D (mushy zucchini)

Life & Style
"Two More Babies On The Way!"
The Angie story is called "I WANT EVEN MORE BABIES!" She told the British magazine Stylist, "I can see further additions to the family — both adopted and our own." An insider says: "Some people get addicted to drugs and alcohol. Brad and Angie are addicted to children." The mag adds: "It's a dangerous addiction." Oh, and by the way: "Brad was smooth and youthful… before he started raising a family." (See image 8). Moving along: Kristin Davis says: "I'm 44 and I want a baby." As Russell Brand's ex-girlfriend, Georgina Baillie has a warning for Katy Perry: "I don't think he's capable of monogamy. I was part of his conveyor belt of women coming through his door. If you go to one of those famous bars or clubs in London, every second girl in there knows what Russell is like in bed, from personal experience. An ex who dated Brand before Georgina says: "It wouldn't be fair for me to call him a scumbag… He's just a boy." Couple name alert: Taylor Swift and Taylor Lautner are "Taylor Squared." Suri Cruise is "so grown up" with her lipstick, heels and Starbucks. One caption reads: "Lipstick on a 3-year-old? Suri looked like a teenager." Actually, she didn't. "America's Worst Dad" is all about Jon Gosselin. He's addicted to fame, he should grow up, and he needs to mediate with Kate, say "experts." Katherine Heigl's adopted baby Naleigh had two holes in her heart when she was born and open-heart surgery when she was 3 months old. Ben Affleck has been "chatty and flirty" with his costar Rebecca Hall on the set of his new movie The Town. And she looks just like Jennifer Garner (See image 9)! Lastly: Beyoncé and Lady Gaga will be in B's upcoming video, "Video Phone." Everything on the set was hush-hush, but this story informs us that Beyoncé wears a feathered dress, Gaga wears something wild, and the fashion is "sick and insane."
Grade: D+ (burnt squash)

Star
"Lindsay Hits Rock Bottom!"
This mag claims Lindsay Lohan collapsed on October 6 at a party thrown by Mario Testino. She fell into a "booze-filled tailspin" after learning that the Ungaro show was an "epic failure." While she was in Paris she was partying every single day and an insider says: "Lindsay is a wreck, a mess, a disaster. She's an obituary waiting to happen." (See image 10) At the party she read the Ungaro reviews and then had a meltdown. She was crying and shouting and later she passed out drunk and her friends got her out of the place. The mag says that when she drinks she "craves cocaine" immediately and "will go to any lengths to get it." Once she made a friend drive from Hollywood to Santa Monica just to get drugs and then snorted a line off the console of the car while the car was moving. A "friend" says Lindsay is taking Paxil, Xanax, Ativan, Valium and Adderall. "She'll just reach into her bag and take a handful without looking to see who they are." By the by, 15-year-old Ali Lohan partied alongside her sister in Paris. In addition, insiders say a year and a half ago, Lindsay started getting Botox on her forehead and between her eyebrows. A source says "her upper face is practically frozen. Plus she's addicted to lip fillers… I doubt she can feel her lips anymore." Someone else says: "Lindsay is afraid of being alone, so she ends up trolling restaurants in Hollywood that are open 24 hours, where lots of seedy people hang out. She ends inviting some of the lowlifes home." Her favorite pickup line is to tell guys she's not wearing any underwear. "Some of her hookups have already robbed her. She'll wake up and find stuff missing. Half the time she doesn't remember what she did. She could easily end up murdered." Also inside: Taylor Momsen's skirts get shorter and shorter. (See image 11.) As Patsy Stone once said: "One snap of my fingers and I can raise hemlines so high the whole world's your gynecologist!" Whitney Port and Leonardo DiCaprio are dating. Blind item: "Which sweet starlet may be switching teams? Fed up with her baby daddy's drama, she recently confided to a friend that the ladies have been looking really good lately." Jessica Simpson had to rewrite her speech for a gala to benefit Operation Smile: She froze when the teleprompter started and complained that she couldn't even pronounce half the words. Chris Brown wants to keep the orange vest from his community service — as a reminder of how awful things can get if he flips out again. Khloe and Lamar: "It's over already." They had a fight when he got back late from a game and Khloe asked for a back massage. He refused and said she should give him a massage after playing a tough game. They argued; she slept in another room that night, and the next night he went out and flirted with other girls. Britney Spears and Jason Trawick are back on. Jon Gosselin wants to hook up with Kate's best friend, Jamie Cole Ayres. They've always had a secret attraction and now have been sending sexy texts! David Letterman's wife, Regina Lasko, has locked Dave out of their $5 million mansion and he's been sleeping at his apartment in Tribeca. She's not letting him see their son Harry, either. He's been sending jewelry and flowers, but it's not working. Brad and Angelina have "given up" disciplining their kids; they're not into yelling at them or something. The kids have dinner around 11pm — a "smorgasboard of snacks." There's no set bedtime of when to sleep or where to lay their heads. The kids sleep in Brad and Angie's bed and wear whatever they want. "Sometimes Zahara falls asleep in her Sleeping Beauty dress, which has permanent chocolate milk stains on it." Pax and Maddox are raising a child army: They shoot paint guns in the house, fire plastic arrows at the nanny, and have enlisted Shiloh and Zahara to join their ranks. Oh, and Maddox wanted to pierce Vivienne's ears himself, with a pin, but Angie decided to have it done professionally.
Grade: B+ (sauteed spinach)

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Ok!
"Wedding Of The Year."
Margaret says that this is one of the silliest cover stories she has ever read. And this is the third cover in a row claiming that these stars are engaged, but in which the story inside is just details about Twilight movie Breaking Dawn. The mag says "each stage of the twosome's love story mirrors Stephenie Meyer's cult vampire saga." But Niki Reed and Dakota Fanning will probably be Kristen's bridesmaids and Kristen will probably wear a white sundress and get married on the beach. Apparently Rob and Kristen have "raw animal lust" for each other and if Rob and Kristen continue to mimic the plot of Twilight, fans could soon be on "bump watch." And the kid will be named Clules Pattinson, which is a combination of Claire and Jules, Rob and Kristen's mothers' names, cuz in the book — well, you know. Next: Evan Rachel Wood is dating Alexander Skarsgard! Brad and Angelina would like to adopt a baby AND have another biological one. Finally: Two pages of "candid" pictures of Nadya Suleman working out and hanging out in a park with her babies — complete with wardrobe change (See image 6).
Grade: [Academic probation]

Star
"It's For Real!"
The mag goes on and on about Jennifer Aniston and Gerard Butler's "romantic dinner date" but we read somewhere else that it was a table for six and there were like four other people there. Anyway, a few days later she was lonely and "he could tell that she was hurting" so went over to her place with wine and Chinese takeout. An insider says: "Jen joked to him that they'd make beautiful babies. Gerard just laughed, but her point was made." Why do they always make it seem like she's trying to get some sperm up in her uterus?!?! Next: "Mariah's Packing On The Pounds Again" because her career stinks and she has no baby. (See image 7) Blind item! "Which celebrity mom is a secret smoker? She puffs away in private and then hides the smell by applying lots of Purell and perfume. Plus, she chews gum after lighting up to mask her breath." Next: Marci Santoro says her daughter Stephanie was "duped" by Jon Gosselin — he promised her a new car, a job, a house, and a lifetime with him, only to dump her! Jon told Stephanie she didn't have to worry about getting pregnant because he'd had a vasectomy; also, Stephanie saw text messages from Kate Major that said, "How could you do this to me? You told me you wanted to spend your life with me." Trainwreck. Uh, the mag printed this sentence: "Now that Lindsay Lohan has been named artistic adviser to French Fashion label Ungaro, she may want to design herself some long-sleeved outfits — to hide her fresh cutting marks!" A source says LL is on prescription drugs and those around her are ready to stage an intervention. Lastly: We learned that DJ AM had a fling with Paris Hilton, the best friend of his ex-fiance, Nicole Richie.
Grade: D (mysterious sheet stains)

Us
"Inside His Final Days."
In addition to a pretty good Patrick Swayze story, the mag also had a "Puffy Puckers" page featuring the "trout pouts" — excessively puffy lips of some famous ladies (See image 8). Next: Over the weekend, Lindsay Lohan went to what she thought was Samantha Ronson's hotel room, and when she couldn't reach Sam, she threw a room service tray at the door. The guest staying in the room came out and confronted her; she claimed he assaulted her; police were called; LL was kicked out of the hotel. In Kanye vs. Taylor news, Taylor was crying backstage but had to perform less than 10 minutes later. After her performance, she broke down again. Eminem wanted to have her come up on stage during his acceptance speech, but MTV told him that Beyoncé was going to do it and already knew she was going to win (?!?!). Anyway — Kanye chugging Hennessy on the red carpet might have had something to do with his outburst, but also Kanye thinks of Beyoncé as a sister and "gets really worked up at award shows." Moving on: Avril Lavigne and Deryck Whibley will be filing divorce papers shortly; she told him she's leaving him and wants him to move out of their Bel-Air mansion. Lastly, this mag is such a tattletale! The editors love calling out the other mags for their "fake news." (See image 9).
Grade: D+ (mysterious towel stains)

Life & Style
"Destroying Her Little Sister."
Lindsay took her 15-year-old sister Ali to Crown Bar in L.A. and they partied until 1 AM. Then they went to a different bar, where they were both "smoking like chimneys" and dancing. A source says Ali was "flirting heavily" with 29-year-old Jason Segel, the dude from Forgetting Sarah Marshal. Lindsay's been drinking and taking Adderall and exposing Ali to all that and so on, and she doesn't think it's wrong because her mother did it with her. And Lindsay and Dina talk about everything — drugs, sex, alcohol, etc. — in front of Ali. Next: Jennifer Aniston is still dating Gerard Butler, but has also revived her relationship with John Mayer. A source says that John and Jen went to Courteney Cox and David Arquette's house for dinner recently. Jason Trawick, Britney's manager, is dating a woman who looks like Britney. From the back, anyway. She's blonde.
Grade: C (mysterious sock stains)

In Touch
Nanny Stephanie Santoro granted an interview to this mag and claims she has been having a "passionate affair" with Jon Gosselin for six weeks. She says she met Jon a few years ago at a Twins Convention (?!?!?!). He told her, "Don't fall in love with me, because it's going to be impossible for me not to fall in love with you." This conversation was had in a hot tub. Then they had sex. They've had sex nine times, and the nanny says: "It wasn't terrible, but it wasn't the best I've ever had." The kids have asked her if she will be their new mommy. Stephanie also says Jon smokes pot, sometimes outside the house while the kids are home. In a related story called "My Wild Threesome With Jon," Samantha Sterling, a self-described "Vegas Girl," says she met Jon at a hotel. Jon proposed a threesome; she called a friend; they snorted coke and they all had sex. The next night, Jon drank vodka, watched the two ladies strip and then had sex with one of them without a condom. Also inside: Oprah wanted to interview Whitney Houston because Oprah has smoked crack. No, really. Usher has "fallen" for "another cougar," this time it's a 42-year-old music exec named Grace. "Angelina's Starving For Brad's Attention" is all about how Angie went to a refugee camp in Kenya but more importantly she was TOO SKINNY. A body image expert who does not treat her thinks she has lost 15 lbs. since the Inglourious Basterds premiere in July. A "friend" says: "Angelina isn't stupid and she's extremely manipulative, she knows that by cutting back on her food, Brad will notice that she's dropped weight and worry about her." Moving along: John Mayer has told Jessica that she is his soulmate, even though he is secretly seeing Jennifer Aniston, and promising that he wants to have babies with Jen.
Grade: C+ (mysterious t-shirt stains)

Click "full size" to enlarge.

Click "full size" to enlarge.

Last year, Lohan put her personal contact info on her Facebook page, and it circled around the internet for just about anyone to call her. Someone figured out her voicemail password (it wasn't hard, it was 1234) and Animal New York posted a sample of the aural delights found there, and it's not pretty.

Sure, there are a few drunk people saying retarded things, but even worse are all the people trying to get something out of her: a party promoter who wants her to host a gig that her girlfriend Samantha Ronson is DJing; a girl who wants to "have coffee" because she's "DJ, like Samantha Ronson" and then leaves her MySpace address; and her father, who just wants a call back.

Actually the saddest part is when Michael Lohan says that he went to hang out with Lindsay's siblings, but they didn't want to see him. Instead, he went to 7-11 and bought a copy of Lindsay's CD and is driving around listening to it. He even holds up the phone so we can hear. Yeah, cause that's what is going to make your daughter like you, knowing that you purchased her magnum opus from a roadside convenience store for $7.99?

This is the torture that must lead the starlet to her misbehavior. Oh, Lindsay, it is a sad and lonely life you lead, but this is why God invented publicists. They take all the shitty calls you don't want!

We hack the pages of In Touch, Star, Ok!, Us and Life& Style, in the gallery below.

Ok!
"Engaged!"
This story is ridiculous, because the "proposal" being referred to "on set" is the one happening as part of the plot of Eclipse when Edward asks Bella to marry him. But! The magazine prints the sentence: "Life might just imitate art." Kristen Stewart apparently jokes around with Robert Pattinson on set, saying things like, "Has anyone seen my husband?" Next: Halle Berry is obviously pregnant because she went to Nobu with boyfriend Gabriel Aubry, held her bag in front of her stomach, wouldn't eat any raw fish and refused to drink the complimentary wine sent to the table. Lastly: Rihanna still has feelings for Chris Brown, according to a friend. "She gets missing Chris and the shit starts all over. A kiss and a slap, a kiss and a slap. Right now she's feeling strong, but she's switched gears in the past and taken him back."
Grade: F (hard drive corrupted)

Life & Style
"Inside Shiloh's World"
Angelina Jolie took Shiloh to Corsica for the day and they split a panini. Shiloh's taste buds are becoming more sophisticated, blah blah blah. She told her parents, "I want to do what mommy and daddy do for a living," so expect her to be taking over Hollywood any day now. Moving along: The Spears family had a reunion when Britney flew her mom, sister and the baby to Miami to spend time with her, her dad and her kids. Michael Lohan says he now accepts Lindsay and Sam's relationship and apologizes for anything bad he might have said about Sam in the past. Next, a source says Michael Jackson told his doctors that he couldn't have children because he'd been kicked in the groin during his youth. Was it Joe? Lastly, Holly Madison says, "Plastic surgery changed my life." She had a nose job and breast implants and says surgery "made it easier to get things I wanted in my career. Without it I wouldn't be where I am today. Living with Hef brought down my self-esteem a lot. I was comparing myself to the other girls. Hef always said he didn't want me to get anything done." If you're interested in her old nose, you're in luck (Image 6).
Grade: D- (Gmail down)

Us
"Their Exes Speak Out"
Lots of pictures of LeAnn Rimes and Eddie Cibrian frolicking on the beach in Mexico together! The two went on a four-day trip to celebrate LeAnn's 27th birthday. Sources claim that Dean Sheremet and Brandi Glanville — the respective spouses — are becoming friends. Now, there's nothing in here about Dean being gay, but he "broke his silence" and talked to Us at an August 29th performance of Wicked on Broadway. Dean and LeAnn "talk every day" says a friend. "He's trying to date, but it's hard, because she's so controlling. She was like the man of the house." Moving on: Is Britney "smarter in glasses"? 83% say No (Image 7). Despite his ongoing flirtation with Jennifer Aniston, Gerard Butler is "pretty much dating every girl in New York City," says a source. Lastly: Us calls out Demi Moore for claiming never to have had plastic surgery. Maybe she doesn't consider Botox or facial fillers to be "surgery," but what about the implants (Image 8)?
Grade: D- (AIM worm)

Star
"Loveless Marriage"
Apparently when Tori and Dean first met, they were working on a TV movie together, and Dean thought Tori "looked like a horse" and joked that she'd need a paper bag over her head for him to kiss her. But he planned on making friends with her because she'd be a good contact. So the gist of this is that he only married her for money and fame and doesn't care about her. Yawn. Moving on: Stephanie Pratt's new lips "look natural" according to Dr. Paul Jarrod Frank, who does not treat her (Image 9). Britney Spears has been begging Jason Trawick to come back, texting and emailing constantly, and asking, "Don't you miss me?" Blind item! "Which hunky actor and his equally hot actress wife were recently seen snorting lines of cocaine at the Chateau Marmont? When spotted, they took the party back to their room." Renée Zellweger and Bradley Cooper are "playing house." They're both off promoting things now, but when she gets back to LA she's going to live with him at his place; he's set up a bathroom she can call her own! He may pop the question by the end of the year. Pregnant Nicole Richie "almost collapsed with grief" when she heard about DJ AM, says an insider. Now Joel Madden and her parents are worried because she's not really eating; a doctor has put her on bed rest. Lastly: A story claims that Ashlee Simpson "kicked Pete Wentz out" because she discovered evidence of him cheating on her, but never says what the evidence was, and also claims that she left the house in a fury and checked into a hotel. So how is that kicking him out? Oh, she did call him and say, "Don't bother coming home." Anyway, she is now on the Pete Diet; he gets her so upset, she can't eat.
Grade: D- (iPhone frozen)

In Touch
"Separated!"
A house divided! Angelina and Brad are "not only sleeping in separate beds, they are sleeping on opposite ends of the property." According to a "friend." Brad used to be "happy, gregarious and social," but Angelina "picks holes in his personality" and "belittles him on every subject possible from his parenting to his lack of knowledge about current affairs." An insider says Brad is really shy now and uses booze as a crutch to socialize now. He drinks to escape his inner turmoil! Plus, Brad purchased Chateau Miraval's winery, and the mag asks: "Is it really A good idea for Brad to buy a vineyard?" Because Brad and Angie feel "guilty" about their "crumbling relationship," they're spoiling the kids: They have theme days! Everyone dresses up as characters from movies or books, like James Bond or Harry Potter. "They had a Wizard Day, with magic potion punch to drink, and they had to solve clues to go to wizard college," spills a source. Next: Ever since Jason Trawick broke up with Britney Spears, her dad Jamie Spears has been trying to keep her busy so she doesn't go crazy again. Apparently Jason made Britney feel "beautiful and sane." Jermaine Dupri has been seen with other women since breaking up with Janet Jackson, and now her "baby dreams are shattered." A doctor had encouraged her to freeze her eggs, but this story doesn't say whether she did or not. But, the mag helpfully points out, "at least she has Michael's kids." A friend of Madonna's says she's casually dating Jesus but still considers Sean Penn her soul mate and it's "highly possible" that she and Sean will get back together now that he's getting divorced, even though Sean and Madonna got married TWENTY FIVE YEARS AGO. Lastly: "Was Lindsay Really Robbed?" Looking closely at the surveillance video images of the alleged burglar, it seems like maybe Lindsay Lohan robbed herself (Image 10). Was it so she wouldn't have to give the jewelry back? Was it so she could break her lease? Michael Lohan says it was an inside job and that the person "tried to make themselves look like Lindsay." But did Lindsay try to look like a burglar looking like Lindsay? Because that would be meta. Anyway: Lindsay has also maybe been cutting herself again (Image 11), which the mag calls a cry for help.
Grade: D (Facebook firewall)

Click "full size" to enlarge.

Click "full size" to enlarge.

Click "full size" to enlarge.

US
"Kendra & Kourtney Talk Baby!"
Everything you never wanted to know about these ladies, who are both due in December. Kendra found out she was pregnant in the bathroom of a baggage claim area in an airport. Kendra says: "We weren't trying, but we didn't use a condom that night." Kendra also says now that she's knocked up, "I've been hornier." There's more, about stuff coming out of Kendra's nipples and breastfeeding with implants and "crowning moments" and so on. Also inside: A source in Chris Brown's entourage says: "If anyone says Rihanna, people in his camp say, 'We don't use that name around here.'" Lastly: Jon Gosselin had a makeout session with University of Connecticut senior Katie Hudd on August 18 at the Foxwoods Resort. A pal who is a waitress at the casino and took pictures; and the manager of the place says he's seen them. Jon's rep says the girl just asked for a kiss on the cheek "and he obliged."
Grade: F (botched face lift)

In Touch
"Catfight Of The Year: Octomom Slams Kate"
It sounds like a wrestling match, but it's a story is based on comments Nadya Suleman made in the documentary Octomom: The Incredible Unseen Footage. Nadya said Kate Gosselin's tummy tuck was "cheating" and that Kate was "desperate for fame" and that the show was "fake." So Kate is livid and thinks that Nadya is trying to get revenge, since Kate was asked to be in the documentary and just ignored the request. Since Kate wouldn't show up, Nadya talked about Kate instead. Don't forget to check out the "Worse Mom" side-by-side comparison (Fig. 1). Yawn. Next: Jason Trawick has dumped Britney Spears because she is too clingy. The mag wonders: Will push her over the edge again? Apparently Britney was serious about Jason, but he saw the relationship as casual. A "friend" says: "All Britney wants is a husband. Jason just couldn't deal with that." Katie Holmes is rebelling against her marriage to Tom Cruise by overeating. Since she's been filming in Australia, she's been eating chocolate, potato chips and pizza — and gained five pounds. "Brad Pitt Finally Admits: It Won't Last." Apparently when Brad talked to Ann Curry, he said: "Someday, it won't always be there… I don't look forward to that day, so… the greater the love, the greater the loss." This mag interprets this stoner babble as his "process of separating from Angelina." Even though Brad and Angie are living together at Chateau Miraval, "they're actually living separate lives." The next page has a bunch of happy pictures of the couple and the kids at a pet store. Angelina is supposedly "miserable" yet smiling and petting a hamster. Lastly: Some of the stars on "dangerous diets" include Victoria Beckham, Jessica Alba and Taylor Momsen.
Grade: F (crooked eye job)

Life & Style
"How I Stay Thin!"
Jennifer Aniston stopped getting Zone diet delivery meals about six years ago when she hired personal chefs. She has this no-carb diet where she loses 5 pounds in 5 days by eating protein and veggies, blah blah blah. A source says: "She's not skinny, she's perfectly fit." Kate Hudson and Alex Rodriguez have only been dating for 3 months but Kate "already wants A-Rod to stop playing the field." "She's brought up marriage to him," says a pal. And she has "baby on the brain," and brought her parents to a baseball game. But a body language expert says he's just that not into her. What do you do when your sorta-shocking nude tape gets leaked? Eric Dane and Rebecca Gayheart are trying to bring an innocent child into the world! A source says she's three months along, and this little McSteamy will "save" their marriage. Jon Gosselin says his kids staged a "sit-in revolt" and didn't want to work when the TLC cameras were trying to film recently. An eyewitness says the crew was yelling at the kids to stay outside and keep filming, but the kids seemed really tired. But the crew kept pushing them. This article ends thusly: "While Daddy pursues other projects, and Mommy disappears on her days off, the eight children are left behind. And sadly, the only people guaranteed to be there for them are the ones operating the cameras." Sob!
Grade: F (horrific nose job)

Ok!
"Angie Tells Brad: Sleep On The Couch!"
This story's angle? Angie is a bad mom because she works. Brad wanted her to focus on the family and not her career; then Brad found a box of scripts and a fight ensued. Angie stormed out and told Brad to sleep on the couch. More reasons they're "at the breaking point": Brad wants Angelina to reconcile with her dad, because he doesn't believe in holding grudges. Also a problem? Brad's "embarrassing weight gain" — he's put on 10 pounds and has been seen at Dunkin' Donuts and pizza parlors — Angie finds his new belly unattractive. And his drinking could also be a factor. He's hoping that by doing some kind of Eat Clean diet "she'll fall in love with him all over again." Moving along: Renée Zellweger and Bradley Cooper went to see District 9 in NYC's Battery Park City and she offered to pay, but Bradley wouldn't let her. They were trying not to be spotted, but he was wearing sunglasses at night. They ate Junior Mints and M&Ms. A friend says: "She's not losing herself in the relationship or pushing the guy into marriage." Unlike Aniston!!! Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson's "sexual spark" might "explode" when they start filming Eclipse. An insider says: "Rob always thought Kris was gorgeous, but when he saw her in San Diego, he was blown away. The young girl he left behind in June had blossomed into a sexy rocker goddess." The Joan Jett haircut gets 'em every time. Jason Trawick was seen at Crown Bar in LA, surrounded by girls. Poor Britney!
Grade: F (terrible chemical peel)

Star
"Torn Apart By Grief"
John Travolta is really depressed about the death of his son Jett and has been holed up in his room watching movies and eating ice cream; Kelly Preston has been throwing herself into work and will play Miley Cyrus's mom in a new flick. Lindsay's reps deny that she got lip filler, but these pictures of Lindsay — and 14-year-old sister Ali — do not lie (Fig. 2). Shania Twain is getting married to the ex-husband of the woman who had an affair with her husband. It's a husband swap! Kate Gosselin made a handwritten list of her expenses, which she took to Kinko's to copy. A paparazzo zoomed in and took a photograph, so now we know that Kate pays $150 a month for cable and $5,000 a month for personal security. "Faking It For The Kids" — That's what Brad and Angie are doing. The relationship is on the rocks, but they don't want to upset the children. Through some long heart-to-hearts, Angie is persuading Brad to start over. By the by, in the midst of this "turmoil," Brad and Angie are in the process of buying Chateau Miraval, which they were renting. LeAnn Rimes and Eddie Cibrian have gone public with their affair and will marry when their divorces are finalized. A sources says "She's already subscribed to Bride's magazine." Last, but not least, the mag calls Mary-Kate Olsen "bloated," and says her "weight gain" is "shocking" — and that at 130 lbs. something must be wrong. "Bye-bye, billion dollar looks, hello bloat!" Nice way to treat a woman with an eating disorder (Fig 3).
Grade: F (scary brow lift)

Fig. 1

Fig 2 (click to enlarge)

Fig. 3 (click to enlarge)

What do you mean you haven't been watching Greek? It's the only teenage soap opera out there about the natural tensions between conformity and individualism in our colleges' Greek system. Some of those individuals are gay! Like Calvin, the spritely young black dude who loves other dudes— dudes like Michael. Michael is also a gay frat boy and Calvin's love interest. They're both openly gay but feel the pressure to be butch and unsexual around their frat brothers. Is it an appropriate gesture for Calvin to send Michael flowers because he didn't introduce Michael to his fraternity brothers? Ah, questions of sexual etiquette plague us all, don't they?

So good for ABC Family! It's heartening to see them portray openly gay men as regular folks instead of an insurgent force against marriage or mincing float ornaments! Maybe this puts the popular opinion just another teensy step ahead of our current laws? Maybe just a scosh.

From Lindsay Lohan's pregnancy propaganda film to to Greek's homosexual indoctrination, ABC Family has clearly taken a brazen stance on the population control issue. Where can we go for our pro-birth entertainment? Lou Dobbs, a nation tuns to you.

Thanks go to video intern Spencer Lund for watching a whole lot of Greek.

1.) Toddlers & Tiaras Is Back!

You know, the show that puts daughter-less mothers—who refuse to accept reality—on reality TV.

2.) Twinemies
The premiere episode of the second season featured twins AshLynn and BreAnne, who are forced to compete against each other. The mom so obviously likes BreAnne better. It's totally Jacob Have I Loved. Usually BreAnne wins the crowns, but at this pageant, she threw a temper tantrum and her father wouldn't let her compete for the rest of the day, so AshLynn ended up winning. BreAnne won't accept this. One day, a therapist will get an earful from one or both of them.

3.) Hand Puppets
This little girl is so Anna Nicole. Not because she's from Texas.

And not because she's cranky and flashy.

And not because she doesn't always make sense.

And not because her good behavior at photo shoots is rewarded with trips to McDonalds. No, she mostly reminds me of Anna Nicole because she has a face full of makeup and acts like a four year old. Also, her two best friends are her mother's hands, which she believes to be people, and that's something I can see Anna Nicole subscribing to.

4.) The Insider So Totally Doesn't Get "Ethics"



But at least they're curious.

5.) World's Strongest Toddler: That Don't Impress Ah Me Much



TLC did a whole special on this kid and the best evidence of his "title" was him lifting his mom's wuss weights over his head. Big whoop. Wake me up when he can French braid his own hair.

6.) Teens, Need A Summer Job?
Teenagers 16 and up are allowed to strip in Rhode Island (as long as they're home before midnight).

7.) Joe Jackson: "I started Leonard's career in music promotion."
Leonard:

8.) This Isn't An SNL Skit

9.) Crazy Old German Lady Beats Up Librarian, Gets Away With It
This is from some kind of Cops format show. I could barely edit it down because it's too awesome, beginning to end. While I love the German lady's outbursts, I'm also into how upset the one librarian gets when it's implied that she couldn't find the U.N Charter. ("I didn't even get the chance to look!")

10.) That's So Lindsay

In short: it sucked. A lot. While the failure of the film can't be completely blamed on Lindsay (the script was lacking, as were the jokes), it wasn't her finest hour. Mostly, she just looked really tired.

And when she didn't look tired, she looked like Dina.

ABC Family hyped the movie up in commercials as "a made-for-ABC-family movie," except it so obviously wasn't. The words "bullshit" and "masturbate" were bleeped out, and in the clip above, an entire portion of the birthing class scene was cut, with no explanation, which contributed to the disjointedness of the whole thing. Whatever the content of the footage was, it must've been too racy for the channel.

Although, fart jokes were allowed.

P.S. Did you know that Janeane Garofalo is in it?

According to Star Magazine, a stapled together collection of glossy pages with colors on them, LiLo is slated to star in an "indie fantasy comedy" called The Other Side. Think of it as Hannah Takes the Stairs mixed with The Mummy and Zelig. I kid. It'll be much pornier. Per Star, "the plot centers on a graduate student who takes a summer gig working at a science research facility on a remote island. Once there, she comes across and interesting cast of characters." Though promising, this little indie "fantasy" comedy, faces some major hurdles.

Copyright infringement: I'm fairly certain I saw this exact movie on the Spice Channel back in 2002, when I used to order 10 movies simultaneously on my Dad's television in some sort of strange revenge. It was called something like Desert Dissertation Vol. IV: Anal Proctor

The Cast: Along with the esteemed actress, other cast members include Woody Harrelson, Dave Matthews and Alanis Morissette. Combined, this trio once wrote, "Life has a funny way of sneaking up on you. When you think everything's okay and everything's going right. Sweet like candy to my soul Sweet you rock And sweet you roll. A black man would rather miss than look bad."

Lindsay Lohan Is Uninsurable: This is the least fun but also the most serious hurdle. As talent manager Bernie Brillstein once noted, "I believe [Lady Lohan]'s uninsurable. And when you're uninsurable in this town, you're done." Simply put, who's going to put money on Lohan actually finishing this project as opposed to say, freaking the fuck out and re-enacting her own personal Grey Gardens, holing herself up with a Kilimanjaro of cocaine and cat pee? The answer is probably no one.

Will this movie, slated for 2010, ever get released? And if it doesn't, will the world still survive the calamity? Maybe, probably, respectively. But the world without a film about a wise-cracking Lohan graduate student on a desert island with Dave Matthews wearing a Pukka necklace and little else is a sadder impoverished dystopia.