In Touch
"Oh, Baby! 'We're Ready!'"
Here's what Margaret learned: Kendra is a die-hard Nancy Grace fan and is worried about people who hurt children. "I tell Hank, we're going to know every neighbor, every teacher, every priest, everybody around us. We will make sure to be surrounded by good people. Like Jaycee Dugard — how can you not know your neighbors have kids living in tents in the backyard?" Khloe went to breastfeeding classes with Kourtney. None of this is scintillating, but there it is. Also inside: Suri Cruise has found her "sole mate" — another little girl who wears heels! (See image 7). Lots of random stuff in the Aniston/Jolie/Pitt story: Jennifer Aniston has given her friends permission to talk about Angelina for Andrew Morton's book, because she wants the world to know what Angie is really like. While they were filming Mr. & Mrs. Smith, Angie would call Brad repeatedly. "Angelina wanted to plant a seed of doubt in Jen's mind that something was going on with her and Brad," says a friend. "Jen and Brad would fight about it, then Brad would seek comfort from Angelina." At the time, Brad and Jen were actively trying to have a baby. Brad's pal says the book will probably contain information about Angelina that would make it easier for Brad to leave her — with nobody thinking worse of him. Dr. Gilda Carle, who does not treat anyone involved, says the book could open up communication between Brad and Jen and may lead to them reuniting. A story about Beyoncé's baby plans begins, "Beyoncé may soon be putting a diaper on it instead of a ring!" Does that even make sense? Lastly: Kate Hudson is "so desperate" to marry A-Rod, she even agreed to sign a pre-nup agreement to protect his $300 million fortune. A friend says she's already met with an attorney, intent on proving she's not after his cash.
Grade: F (rotting fish)

Ok!
"Angie's Adopting… Without Brad!"
Angelina is "preparing" to bring home a little girl from Syria, "a move that could result in an almighty showdown" in their "already strained relationship." Angie met the girl in October when she traveled to Syria with the UN Refugee Agency. Some more hyperbole: "Blinded by her desire to adopt again, Angie has failed to see the many glaring issues that are threatening her relationship with Brad." Just so you know, this adoption will be "a slap in Brad's face." Moving on: Matthew McConaughey's ladyfriend, Camilla Alves bought son Levi a baby bunny as a pet. (See image 8). Lastly: Secrets from the set of Glee! Madonna requested DVDs of the series for her kids, and is letting the show use her songs for an episode! Quinn and Rachel used to be roommates in real life!
Grade: F (rancid meat)

Life & Style
"Angelina's A Total Fake"
Apparently Angelina "manipulates and controls" every aspect of her life. Is that really a bad thing? Anyway: According to an "insider," Angelina has "mastered the ability to play the greatest role of her life — that of a doting mother and partner who'd do anything for humanity. But the truth is more complex." The mag claims Angie has "no sense of right and wrong" and convinced Brad that their relationship was fine when he was with Jennifer Aniston. "Angie created a world where he was free of accountability and responsibility for another person's feelings." Angie told Brad what was happening between them was bigger than they were and there was no way to deny it. She said they were destined to be together. Maybe she was right? Anywhoo, "Though the actress has stated that she wants the kids to be worldly, growing up in many places, some believe it may be harmful to deprive them or a stable home base." Also, Angelina and Brad are addicted to adopting, and Angelina is addicted to fame. More accusations and bullshit too tedious to print inside. Oh, and she "Says one thing, does another." (See image 9). She says she doesn't think about what she wears on the red carpet, but uses a stylist? That doesn't make her a hypocrite, that means someone else is thinking about what she wears on the red carpet. Gah. Moving on: An insider close to Jay-Z says: "Jay wanted to marry B and make babies with her from practically the day they met." When they were engaged, he called her "wifey" and "my baby's mama." Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer went on a date! He took her to his manager's birthday party. An eyewitness says: "They were clearly a couple. They were acting very lovey-dovey… She was giggly all night." Finally, TLC's T-Boz has Swine Flu! Over the years, she's been diagnosed with sickle-cell anemia, had brain surgery to remove a non-cancerous tumor, and now: H1N1. It took her two weeks to recover, but she says she won't get the vaccine next year, because whenever she gets a flu shot, she feels sick for about three days.
Grade: F (sour milk)

Us
"Angelina's Cruel Lies"
Ian Halperin's new book, Brangelina: The Untold Story of Brad Pitt & Angelina Jolie , has lots of claims, like: Angelina spread nasty rumors about her romantic rival Jen Aniston; a tipster says Angie was recently taking crystal meth; and Angelina and Brad are just one year from splitting. According to one of Halperin's exes, who worked on Troy with Brad Pitt, but never saw Brad with Angie, "They've broken up so many times, it would make your head spin." A limo driver says: "She has a temper like a cobra." Halperin claims that in 1998, Angie was so distraught that she hired a hit man to kill her. LOL. Also, Brad met a Sudanese model named Amma at a Darfur event and they flirted, fueling fears of cheating. An employee and the Dorchester Hotel in London overheard Shiloh refer to a nanny as "mommy." And, Halperin says, "It wouldn't surprise me in the least if the two were broken up by Christmas 2010." On the other hand, Us reports that Angie and Brad are enjoying "a peaceful French life" : A recent visitor says Angie was in the kitchen doing dishes while the kids were running outside; she could watch from the window. The kids have free reign on the estate's 880 acre grounds; Pax and Maddox run around for hours pointing their fingers at each other like guns. Shiloh and Zahara bond with the ponies and donkeys on the estate and "revel in golf cart rides with Daddy." An insider says: "Every time the cart goes over a bump, Shiloh squeals with delight." Moving right along: We love 3 of the "25 Things" you don't know about Dolly Parton: "I have a treehouse where I write a lot of children's songs." And! "I still believe in Santa, the Easter Bunny, the Tooth Fairy, and true love. Don't even try to tell me different." And! "I get acrylic put on the inside of my nails as well as the outside. It makes them just like guitar picks." On another page, Kim Kardashian reveals, "I lost my virginity to an R. Kelly CD." Wait, you had sex with a disc? "We put up the music really loud," she clarifies. Lindsay Lohan was "trailing after" Kellan Lutz (Twilight, 902010) at a club and "when she wasn't following him, she was texting him." She talked to him for 5 minutes — but it ended there. He has a girlfriend.
Grade: D- (freezer burned ice cream)

Star
"Mind Games!"
An insider says Jen and Angelina despise each other, and take great pleasure in seeing each other squirm. "Neither has an ounce of empathy." After Thanksgiving, Brad is filming The Lost City Of Z in Brazil, and Jen is planning a vacation in Mexico, but will take a side trip to Brazil! "Jennifer sees her chance for a reunion far from the prying eyes of Hollywood," a source says. "And she knows that when Angelina finds out — and she certainly will — she'll be livid." Jen gets drunk and calls Chateau Mirval in the middle of the night — and she likes that she wakes up Angie. Every time she hears that Brad and Angie are having problems, Jen will call Brad and "act sweet." Then Brad unloads on her, telling her Angie's being moody and difficult, and Jen loves that. Angelina steals all the roles that Jen wants and laughs when Jen's movies bomb. Angelina knows which designers Jen likes and when her "spies" find out she's asked for something, Angie tries to get it first, and be photographed in it. Angie knew that Jen wanted to wear an Elie Saab dress to the Oscars, but Angie got it first, and poor Jen had to wear Valentino. : ( Angelina isn't crazy about Brad's scruffy look, but Jen recently texted Brad, telling him he looked handsome and distinguished in his goatee. Brad likes watching them fight over him, so he purposely leaves out his cell phone so that Angie can see Jen's called or texted. Moving on: A handwriting expert analyzed Twilight autographs, and now we know that Robert Pattinson is highly intelligent; Kristen Stewart is "more traditional and stiff" and Rob and Kristen "feel safe with each other." (See image 10.) Blind item! "Which former TV host shocked patrons at LA's Voyeur night club on October 29 when he debuted his new face? Sources say he recently got a hush-hush eyelift that made him unrecognizable." Since his kid was born, Colin Farrell's girlfriend put a swear jar in his house — every time he curses he has to put in $100. Tobey Macguire was running and heard a "pitiful meow" and saw a scared kitten stuck in a tree! He pulled her to safety with his Spider-Man grip. Rihanna told Diane Sawyer that she doesn't hate Chris Brown, but and insider says she "despises" Chris — so much that if someone mentions his name, she'll say. "Please don't talk about him." Lindsay Lohan went to Crown Bar, where she ran into her former live-in love, Courtenay Semel. She asked to be moved to a table away from Courtenay, then "flirted heavily" with Twilight's Kellan Lutz, to no avail, then ran from the club to "sob in an alley." Lindsay also partied super-late three nights in a row at Leonardo Di Caprio's house. "Wow! Jessica's Revenge" is about how Jess Simpson dropped 15 pounds in 30 days "and she's not done yet." First she lost 5 lbs. by doing a three-day cleanse; then she cut meat from her diet and eliminated her favorite fatty Mexican foods — and has barely touched alcohol. A doctor who does not treat Simpson says: "This is the old Jessica we all know and love." Yes, not the sad, burrito-loving one! The vengeful, fasting one! The whole time Bradley Cooper has been dating Renée Zellweger, he's also been hooking up with his ex, Isabella Brewster — the younger sister of Jordana Brewster. "He wanted to keep it hush-hush, so usually, they'd just grab takeout and stay in," says a source. "He'd call and tell her, 'Bring your hot self over here, and don't forget dinner.'" Lastly: A man who wrote a book titled Blown For Good — about escaping Scientology — says Tom Cruise audited him when the guy was 17. This was 20 years ago. The dude says: "Tom would talk to inanimate objects, like books, desks, bottles, even ashtrays — for hours. You tell the ashtray, sit in that chair. And then you actually go over and put the ashtray in the chair. Then you tell the ashtray, 'Thank you.' Then you do the same thing with the bottle and the book. And you do this for hours and hours." Why? It's Scientology's "Book and Bottle Routine" that "rehabilitates" your ability to control things and be controlled. The guy says he was in a Scientology compound where he was forced to watch clips of Tom Cruise on talk shows. But then he snuck a small TV in and started watching late-night talk shows that made fun of Tom. "I'd see Conan O'Brien dissing Tom, and I was like wait a minute… They were all laughing their butts off about Tom Cruise being a crazy nutjob, but I thought he was awesome."
Grade: D (furry, moldy berries)

Click "full size" to enlarge.

Click "full size" to enlarge.

Earlier: All previous Midweek Madness posts

OK!
"Yes! We're In Love"
Taylor Lautner and Taylor Swift are so on! Swift is hosting SNL November 7, and Lautner may appear! And Lautner may take Swift as his date to the New Moon premiere! Also: Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart had a "couple's self-therapy session" when they met up at his hotel in Beverly Hills and talked through their problems. Moving on: Kate Hudson and A-Rod may get hitched. A Source says: "He wants to think of a creative and cute way to pop the question." Kate loves to joke, "I don't look like a Rodriguez, so you'll have to take my name." Khloe Kardashian says: "We definitely want a big family. Lamar keeps asking me when I want to start!" Margaret says: You've only known each other for two months, so you have time. Lastly: The kids from Glee get the tabloid treatment when the mag asks, "More than just friends?" When you read the article, you find the answer: No.
Grade: F (fetid quagmire)

Life & Style
"I Love Being Pregnant"
Where are the covers which read "I Hate Being Pregnant!" or "I Feel Fat & Gross"?? Anyway: Kourtney Kardashian is "excited to be a mom" but also "nervous." YAWN. Moving on: Britney Spears wants to marry Jason Trawick! She says the sex is great! But an insider says: "Jason truly cares about Britney. Nobody doubts that. But in terms of real chemistry, it's not really there. It's more like they're best friends with benefits." Next: We don't even know what to say about "Taylor's Last Shirtless Photo Shoot," (see image 7) and we might go to jail for looking at it, so let's move on. The story titled "Kristen Stewart & Robert Pattinson: Love At 30,000 Feet" is, unfortunately, not about joining the mile high club. Instead we learn that the two secured the entire first class section of an Alaska Airlines flight for themselves — and sat next to each other. Brad and Angie found time for a "date night." The caption on a picture of them in a car reads: "The Look Of Love: As Brad drove his new Camaro, 'Angelina looked at him with an expression of admiration,' says a witness." Lastly: Fergie and Josh Duhamel are having a marriage crisis. A friend says he's gotten into trouble with Fergie over his flirting before — and usually he "crawls back to her and begs for forgiveness." Now the allegations are that he hooked up with a stripper and a source says: "Fergie's in denial. She's going on like it's business as usual."
Grade: D- (murky bog)

Us
"Fergie Betrayed"
Don't you just love how the cover shows Ferg looking innocent and her man with a wandering eye? Stripper Nicole Forrester was allegedly offered $20,000 for her story about having sex with Josh Duhamel — but has yet to collect. She did pass a lie detector test and is in "possession of racy texts." She says a seemingly inebriated Josh "wanted to party" so they watched porn, then hooked up. They fell asleep together and he kept waking her up to have more sex. Josh's rep denies everything. Next: Rihanna says, "I am stronger, wiser and more aware" now. And: "You don't realize how much your decisions affect people you don't even know — like fans." Jennifer Aniston had a tipsy night out at some wedding — she was "the life and soul" of the party and danced to "Paparazzi." Jude Law and Sienna Miller are hooking up — a source says "They're fooling around again, but I'm not sure if they're dating." Kate Hudson and A-Rod "love having sex." People will call her and she'll say "we're having nap time," which is what they call their sex time. Brad and Angie attended a party thrown by Times columnist Nicholas Kristof. He says: "I emailed Angie last minute — and they came." No limos for these kids — Brad drove himself and Angie there in a Chevy Camaro. Lastly: The Lindsay Lohan spread called "What's Wrong With Her Face" just made us sad (see image 8).
Grade: D (mucky swamp)

In Touch
"The Fight For Suri"
Tom wants Suri to be homeschooled, as is common in Scientology, and Katie wants her to go to Catholic school when she turns 5. Kate has become disenchanted with Scientology, and she doesn't like that Tom's other kids, Connor and Isabella — who were homeschooled — have very few friends, and the friends they do have are Scientologists. Katie is also freaked out by Scientology's reluctance to give kids medicine and assigning kids chores at a young age. Plus, she doesn't like that Suri's Scientology nanny has been giving Suri a drink called Calmag, which is made with calcium, magnesium, vinegar and hot water, and "relaxes children." The mag calls Suri "an adult at age 3" because she uses the dictionary — her nanny encourages her to look up words she doesn't know when reading; she doesn't play with kids and has no friends her own age. Moving on: "No Longer Embarrassed By Their Boobs" is four pages about women who have changed their breasts: Megan Fox got implants; Queen Latifah got a reduction; Drew Barrymore got a reduction and Christina Aguilera got implants because she was insecure. Next: Angelina found out that Brad's been texting Jen by going through his cell phone while he was asleep. He didn't deny it and admitted to Angie that he misses his ex-wife; Angie spent the rest of the day in tears. But! "That night, she made a point of appearing with Brad in public." And! Brad doesn't care how upset Angelina is — he's going to continue texting his ex-wife. In Fergie/Josh news, one source says Josh is so in love with Fergie and none of the cheating rumors are true. Fergie is apparently "sobbing" behind the scenes. Michael Lohan is now bad-mouthing Jon Gosselin, saying: "Jon has become secretive and distant. He has become a different person than I thought he was." By which you mean he wants nothing to do with you?!?! Janet Jackson has reunited with Jermaine Dupri and is planning to marry him. Janet is planning to eventually raise Michael Jackson's kids and thinks it would be good for them to have a father figure. She'd like to get married early next year — "the family needs something to smile about," a source says. Tony Romo is dating Candace Crawford — Chase's sister — and Jessica Simpson is "heartbroken" because Tony has invited Candace to live with him. Jess totally wanted to live with Tony when they were together, but he said No. Lastly, "Who Wore It Better" pits celebrity children against each other, regardless of age: That's why Lourdes has to battle Suri. (See image 9)
Grade: D (gassy marsh)

Star
"Angie & Brad's Dark Secrets Exposed!"
Ian Halperin, who's done unauthorized books on Kurt Cobain and Michael Jackson, is writing a new salacious tell-all, called Brangelina Exposed. He claims that Angelina throws things at Brad. She makes comments about Jennifer Aniston all the time, like, "You'd be just as miserable with Jen" — and Brad shoots back, "Jen would never act like you." Brad is depressed and deals with by smoking pot and drinking almost every night. Brad is also "slipping in and out of his home" through neighbor's yards to meet "a waiting Town Car that spirits him away from his family drama." Oh, and Brad is "drinking away his looks." (See image 10.) Meanwhile, Angie is in an ongoing lesbian relationship with Jenny Shimuzu. Jenny started calling after Angie's mom died and "there's always bee an animal attraction between them." Angelina has another lady on the side near their chateau in France; she's an artist around Angie's age and they see each other whenever Angie is in town. Finally, they have a "whole crate" of intimate pictures and video that Brad took during the early days of their relationship. Scandalous! Moving on: Jessica Szohr brought her boyfriend Ed Westwick to a friend's wedding in Milwaukee and after a couple of drinks, she made Ed do a special dance for the bride. It involved Ed shirtless. (See image 11.) If you want a Lady Gaga My Little Pony, it'll cost you $589 and up! (See image 12.) Blind item! "Which hunky actor is a real stinker? His girlfriend has refused his kisses because of his seriously bad breath. Maybe that's the reason they're constantly on and off." (How about: All of them.) Chris Martin was seen making out with Kate Bosworth in the VIP section of U2's Las Vegas show. Other stars in the VIP section at the time include Bill Clinton, Jessica Alba and Sean Penn. Later Bosworth was telling people about being good friends with Gwyneth, maybe to justify her actions? Supposedly Chris has had a crush on her since he saw Blue Crush. Levi Johnston is going to sue Sarah Palin because she's preventing him from seeing his son. Next: Is Nicole Richie wearing a wedding band? Did Adam Lambert dump his boyfriend for another guy? Also inside: Britney Spears is planning a spring wedding to Jason Trawick. Their relationship is the result of a devious plan by Brit's parents, Jamie and Lynn: They stared trying to hook Britney and Jason up in 2007 — but Jason was fat then, and didn't have the dangerous side that Britney likes. The parents decided that Jason needed to get hotter — and fast! They were so crafty that Britney believed the makeover was her idea: She had her hairstylist dye his hair and give him a better goatee; and they've been working out together everyday. Peep Jason's new look — and his old look, which is K-Fed-esque (See image 13). Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher are falling apart. They were arguing in the car before a GQ event; Demi was upset that Ashton was pounding beer. She said it was immature to drink so much before the party. Plus, she's "always uncomfortable" when he's around pretty young women, and she doesn't want him going out without her — for fears that some young starlet will snap him up. Do you get it yet? SHE IS OLD. Lastly: Michael Bublé's ex is warning his current girlfriend that he's "a cheater and a rat." The ex says that he was sleeping with her during his 3-year relationship with Emily Blunt.
Grade: D+ (dense wetland)

(click "full size" to enlarge)

(click "full size" to enlarge)

(click "full size" to enlarge)

Arianna Huffington has allowed her editors to run ultra-close ups of the aging body of Vogue's Anna Wintour ("what does she really look like?") and now actresses Lindsay Lohan ("unedited" and splotchy) and Elizabeth Hurley (a bit sweaty). It's a case of her unprofitable company's need for monetizable, non-political Web traffic (read: cheap celebrity clicks) running headlong into Huffington's need to suck up to celebs, who write for her site and come to her parties and help her seem very glamorous.

We won't lecture Huffington on her company's too-often-shoddy attempts to make money in the online publishing racket. At least, not in this post. But we will keep her honest: If Huffington is going to run unedited pictures of others, it's only fair there should be some unedited pictures of her out there.

Click any of the images below to pop-up large, hi-res versions. (Warning, this may slow down your web browser and ruin your lunch.) We've played by HuffPo rules: Posed, red carpet pictures with no editing. We've also excerpted a highlight, as Huffington did with Wintour.

UPDATE: Jessica Wakeman at The Frisky notes that the first chapter of Huffington's book On Becoming Fearless is about positive body image. Plastering someone's picture on HuffPo is certainly one way to nudge that person toward becoming "fearless."

Us
"How I Survived Abuse."
The Mary Murphy cover story is about how she was married to this guy from 1978 to 1987 and he raped her, beat her and blamed her for having a miscarriage. Then she got into dancing and it saved her life. Next: Beyoncé called Lady Gaga and asked her if she wanted to be in a video shoot — with two hours notice— and Gaga said yes! Heidi Montag says she's gearing up for a second nose job after being elbowed in the face during a dance rehearsal. The Jackson Family is still shooting their A&E reality show — to air in December and MJ's kids will be included. Rebbie Jackson allegedly feels Michael would "spin in his grave" if he knew. Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer are secretly back on: A source says she just can't let go — and she's sad that her summer flings have moved on and Vince Vaughn has been on TV lately and so on. But John is so busy getting ready for a tour he can't even think about dating. Taylor Swift was seen in a "romantic embrace" with Taylor Lautner at one of her concerts. "But the Taylors' teenage hormones really took off at the after-party," the mag claims.
Grade: D- (slimy boiled okra)

OK!
"Inside Our Home."
Just so we're clear: At no point do Rob or Kristen utter the quotes on the cover like "Inside our home" or "we're already like a married couple." This is fanfic about Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart's "love nest" at the Vancouver Sheraton Wall Centre, where they supposedly share the entire 34th floor with adjoining 2-bedroom suites, and a third suite for guests. Rob and Kristen sleep in a king-size bed and microwave Rob's "beloved Hot Pockets" in one of three kitchens. And! "Their room contains no fewer than six natural gas fireplaces, in front of which Rob serenades Kristen with Van Morrison and John Lee Hooker tunes on one of his Gibson guitars, and Kristen reads aloud from the volume of Virgil's Doomed Love that he gave her this year." A "friend" says when they have a day off, they sleep and cuddle all day. One time after out running the paparazzi, they got into an elevator and, as the mag puts it, "then they ascended to their celestial nest and left the real world behind." Also, the picture of their "bedroom" in this story is directly from the hotel's website. Next: George Clooney is trying to quit boozing so he didn't invite Brad Pitt to Italy this summer — a "source" says "he didn't want to get sucked into an endless drinking session." Justin Timberlake is telling his inner circle that Jessica Biel has changed since they first met and he wants to see other women. But she refuses to let go! They're giving the romance another chance, because JT "doesn't want to go out like that" — looking like a cad. Moving on: Kourtney Kardashian is having a boy. Taylor Swift and Taylor Lautner — who met on the set of Valentine's Day — may be dating. They've been calling and texting "all the time." Apparently TL threatened to kick Kanye's butt and TS was touched. At the Gosselin Twins birthday party, the girls blew out candles and then told a camera crew member that their wish was for mommy and daddy to stop fighting. Sniff. Rihanna is "looking more fierce than ever." The secret behind her new confidence? She's finally stopped talking to Chris Brown.
Grade: F for false story, upgraded to D for entertainment value (old pumpkin turned into jack o' lantern)

In Touch
"At War With Tom."
Apparently Katie's parents came to visit. But it wasn't just a visit — it was a "crisis talk." They're not happy with Tom pressuring Katie to have another baby when she's not ready. Despite the tension, Tom and Katie are trying to keep Suri happy. Even though the mag claims TomKat is fighting over religion, Suri's already enrolled in Catholic pre-school. So whatever. Next: Lindsay Lohan may have tried to kill herself. Her rep denies the story, but Grazia reported she'd been rushed to the hospital at 8 in the morning with deep slash wounds on her right wrist. She'd been drinking and crying for hours. She allegedly told hospital staff she'd cut herself trying to open a bottle of wine. Michael Lohan tells the mag: "Look at Michael Jackson. I'm afraid she's headed down that path." Next there's a six-page story called "Why They Can't Stop Gaining," which includes Oprah, Kelly Clarkson, Jon Gosselin, Kirstie Alley and Kevin Federline. Also inside: Jon Gosselin sucks because he pulled one of his daughters by the ponytail and yanked one of his son's arms. Then he promised Mady a laptop and Cara an ATV. A psychologist who does not treat Jon says, "You can't put a kid on an ATV." Did you know that Jesus gets an allowance? Madonna gives him about $10,000 a month to cover expenses. Nicole Kidman has "gone to far" with her "shockingly smooth skin." (See image 7).
Grade: D (mushy zucchini)

Life & Style
"Two More Babies On The Way!"
The Angie story is called "I WANT EVEN MORE BABIES!" She told the British magazine Stylist, "I can see further additions to the family — both adopted and our own." An insider says: "Some people get addicted to drugs and alcohol. Brad and Angie are addicted to children." The mag adds: "It's a dangerous addiction." Oh, and by the way: "Brad was smooth and youthful… before he started raising a family." (See image 8). Moving along: Kristin Davis says: "I'm 44 and I want a baby." As Russell Brand's ex-girlfriend, Georgina Baillie has a warning for Katy Perry: "I don't think he's capable of monogamy. I was part of his conveyor belt of women coming through his door. If you go to one of those famous bars or clubs in London, every second girl in there knows what Russell is like in bed, from personal experience. An ex who dated Brand before Georgina says: "It wouldn't be fair for me to call him a scumbag… He's just a boy." Couple name alert: Taylor Swift and Taylor Lautner are "Taylor Squared." Suri Cruise is "so grown up" with her lipstick, heels and Starbucks. One caption reads: "Lipstick on a 3-year-old? Suri looked like a teenager." Actually, she didn't. "America's Worst Dad" is all about Jon Gosselin. He's addicted to fame, he should grow up, and he needs to mediate with Kate, say "experts." Katherine Heigl's adopted baby Naleigh had two holes in her heart when she was born and open-heart surgery when she was 3 months old. Ben Affleck has been "chatty and flirty" with his costar Rebecca Hall on the set of his new movie The Town. And she looks just like Jennifer Garner (See image 9)! Lastly: Beyoncé and Lady Gaga will be in B's upcoming video, "Video Phone." Everything on the set was hush-hush, but this story informs us that Beyoncé wears a feathered dress, Gaga wears something wild, and the fashion is "sick and insane."
Grade: D+ (burnt squash)

Star
"Lindsay Hits Rock Bottom!"
This mag claims Lindsay Lohan collapsed on October 6 at a party thrown by Mario Testino. She fell into a "booze-filled tailspin" after learning that the Ungaro show was an "epic failure." While she was in Paris she was partying every single day and an insider says: "Lindsay is a wreck, a mess, a disaster. She's an obituary waiting to happen." (See image 10) At the party she read the Ungaro reviews and then had a meltdown. She was crying and shouting and later she passed out drunk and her friends got her out of the place. The mag says that when she drinks she "craves cocaine" immediately and "will go to any lengths to get it." Once she made a friend drive from Hollywood to Santa Monica just to get drugs and then snorted a line off the console of the car while the car was moving. A "friend" says Lindsay is taking Paxil, Xanax, Ativan, Valium and Adderall. "She'll just reach into her bag and take a handful without looking to see who they are." By the by, 15-year-old Ali Lohan partied alongside her sister in Paris. In addition, insiders say a year and a half ago, Lindsay started getting Botox on her forehead and between her eyebrows. A source says "her upper face is practically frozen. Plus she's addicted to lip fillers… I doubt she can feel her lips anymore." Someone else says: "Lindsay is afraid of being alone, so she ends up trolling restaurants in Hollywood that are open 24 hours, where lots of seedy people hang out. She ends inviting some of the lowlifes home." Her favorite pickup line is to tell guys she's not wearing any underwear. "Some of her hookups have already robbed her. She'll wake up and find stuff missing. Half the time she doesn't remember what she did. She could easily end up murdered." Also inside: Taylor Momsen's skirts get shorter and shorter. (See image 11.) As Patsy Stone once said: "One snap of my fingers and I can raise hemlines so high the whole world's your gynecologist!" Whitney Port and Leonardo DiCaprio are dating. Blind item: "Which sweet starlet may be switching teams? Fed up with her baby daddy's drama, she recently confided to a friend that the ladies have been looking really good lately." Jessica Simpson had to rewrite her speech for a gala to benefit Operation Smile: She froze when the teleprompter started and complained that she couldn't even pronounce half the words. Chris Brown wants to keep the orange vest from his community service — as a reminder of how awful things can get if he flips out again. Khloe and Lamar: "It's over already." They had a fight when he got back late from a game and Khloe asked for a back massage. He refused and said she should give him a massage after playing a tough game. They argued; she slept in another room that night, and the next night he went out and flirted with other girls. Britney Spears and Jason Trawick are back on. Jon Gosselin wants to hook up with Kate's best friend, Jamie Cole Ayres. They've always had a secret attraction and now have been sending sexy texts! David Letterman's wife, Regina Lasko, has locked Dave out of their $5 million mansion and he's been sleeping at his apartment in Tribeca. She's not letting him see their son Harry, either. He's been sending jewelry and flowers, but it's not working. Brad and Angelina have "given up" disciplining their kids; they're not into yelling at them or something. The kids have dinner around 11pm — a "smorgasboard of snacks." There's no set bedtime of when to sleep or where to lay their heads. The kids sleep in Brad and Angie's bed and wear whatever they want. "Sometimes Zahara falls asleep in her Sleeping Beauty dress, which has permanent chocolate milk stains on it." Pax and Maddox are raising a child army: They shoot paint guns in the house, fire plastic arrows at the nanny, and have enlisted Shiloh and Zahara to join their ranks. Oh, and Maddox wanted to pierce Vivienne's ears himself, with a pin, but Angie decided to have it done professionally.
Grade: B+ (sauteed spinach)

(click "full size" to enlarge)

Ok!
"Wedding Of The Year."
Margaret says that this is one of the silliest cover stories she has ever read. And this is the third cover in a row claiming that these stars are engaged, but in which the story inside is just details about Twilight movie Breaking Dawn. The mag says "each stage of the twosome's love story mirrors Stephenie Meyer's cult vampire saga." But Niki Reed and Dakota Fanning will probably be Kristen's bridesmaids and Kristen will probably wear a white sundress and get married on the beach. Apparently Rob and Kristen have "raw animal lust" for each other and if Rob and Kristen continue to mimic the plot of Twilight, fans could soon be on "bump watch." And the kid will be named Clules Pattinson, which is a combination of Claire and Jules, Rob and Kristen's mothers' names, cuz in the book — well, you know. Next: Evan Rachel Wood is dating Alexander Skarsgard! Brad and Angelina would like to adopt a baby AND have another biological one. Finally: Two pages of "candid" pictures of Nadya Suleman working out and hanging out in a park with her babies — complete with wardrobe change (See image 6).
Grade: [Academic probation]

Star
"It's For Real!"
The mag goes on and on about Jennifer Aniston and Gerard Butler's "romantic dinner date" but we read somewhere else that it was a table for six and there were like four other people there. Anyway, a few days later she was lonely and "he could tell that she was hurting" so went over to her place with wine and Chinese takeout. An insider says: "Jen joked to him that they'd make beautiful babies. Gerard just laughed, but her point was made." Why do they always make it seem like she's trying to get some sperm up in her uterus?!?! Next: "Mariah's Packing On The Pounds Again" because her career stinks and she has no baby. (See image 7) Blind item! "Which celebrity mom is a secret smoker? She puffs away in private and then hides the smell by applying lots of Purell and perfume. Plus, she chews gum after lighting up to mask her breath." Next: Marci Santoro says her daughter Stephanie was "duped" by Jon Gosselin — he promised her a new car, a job, a house, and a lifetime with him, only to dump her! Jon told Stephanie she didn't have to worry about getting pregnant because he'd had a vasectomy; also, Stephanie saw text messages from Kate Major that said, "How could you do this to me? You told me you wanted to spend your life with me." Trainwreck. Uh, the mag printed this sentence: "Now that Lindsay Lohan has been named artistic adviser to French Fashion label Ungaro, she may want to design herself some long-sleeved outfits — to hide her fresh cutting marks!" A source says LL is on prescription drugs and those around her are ready to stage an intervention. Lastly: We learned that DJ AM had a fling with Paris Hilton, the best friend of his ex-fiance, Nicole Richie.
Grade: D (mysterious sheet stains)

Us
"Inside His Final Days."
In addition to a pretty good Patrick Swayze story, the mag also had a "Puffy Puckers" page featuring the "trout pouts" — excessively puffy lips of some famous ladies (See image 8). Next: Over the weekend, Lindsay Lohan went to what she thought was Samantha Ronson's hotel room, and when she couldn't reach Sam, she threw a room service tray at the door. The guest staying in the room came out and confronted her; she claimed he assaulted her; police were called; LL was kicked out of the hotel. In Kanye vs. Taylor news, Taylor was crying backstage but had to perform less than 10 minutes later. After her performance, she broke down again. Eminem wanted to have her come up on stage during his acceptance speech, but MTV told him that Beyoncé was going to do it and already knew she was going to win (?!?!). Anyway — Kanye chugging Hennessy on the red carpet might have had something to do with his outburst, but also Kanye thinks of Beyoncé as a sister and "gets really worked up at award shows." Moving on: Avril Lavigne and Deryck Whibley will be filing divorce papers shortly; she told him she's leaving him and wants him to move out of their Bel-Air mansion. Lastly, this mag is such a tattletale! The editors love calling out the other mags for their "fake news." (See image 9).
Grade: D+ (mysterious towel stains)

Life & Style
"Destroying Her Little Sister."
Lindsay took her 15-year-old sister Ali to Crown Bar in L.A. and they partied until 1 AM. Then they went to a different bar, where they were both "smoking like chimneys" and dancing. A source says Ali was "flirting heavily" with 29-year-old Jason Segel, the dude from Forgetting Sarah Marshal. Lindsay's been drinking and taking Adderall and exposing Ali to all that and so on, and she doesn't think it's wrong because her mother did it with her. And Lindsay and Dina talk about everything — drugs, sex, alcohol, etc. — in front of Ali. Next: Jennifer Aniston is still dating Gerard Butler, but has also revived her relationship with John Mayer. A source says that John and Jen went to Courteney Cox and David Arquette's house for dinner recently. Jason Trawick, Britney's manager, is dating a woman who looks like Britney. From the back, anyway. She's blonde.
Grade: C (mysterious sock stains)

In Touch
Nanny Stephanie Santoro granted an interview to this mag and claims she has been having a "passionate affair" with Jon Gosselin for six weeks. She says she met Jon a few years ago at a Twins Convention (?!?!?!). He told her, "Don't fall in love with me, because it's going to be impossible for me not to fall in love with you." This conversation was had in a hot tub. Then they had sex. They've had sex nine times, and the nanny says: "It wasn't terrible, but it wasn't the best I've ever had." The kids have asked her if she will be their new mommy. Stephanie also says Jon smokes pot, sometimes outside the house while the kids are home. In a related story called "My Wild Threesome With Jon," Samantha Sterling, a self-described "Vegas Girl," says she met Jon at a hotel. Jon proposed a threesome; she called a friend; they snorted coke and they all had sex. The next night, Jon drank vodka, watched the two ladies strip and then had sex with one of them without a condom. Also inside: Oprah wanted to interview Whitney Houston because Oprah has smoked crack. No, really. Usher has "fallen" for "another cougar," this time it's a 42-year-old music exec named Grace. "Angelina's Starving For Brad's Attention" is all about how Angie went to a refugee camp in Kenya but more importantly she was TOO SKINNY. A body image expert who does not treat her thinks she has lost 15 lbs. since the Inglourious Basterds premiere in July. A "friend" says: "Angelina isn't stupid and she's extremely manipulative, she knows that by cutting back on her food, Brad will notice that she's dropped weight and worry about her." Moving along: John Mayer has told Jessica that she is his soulmate, even though he is secretly seeing Jennifer Aniston, and promising that he wants to have babies with Jen.
Grade: C+ (mysterious t-shirt stains)

Click "full size" to enlarge.

Click "full size" to enlarge.

Last year, Lohan put her personal contact info on her Facebook page, and it circled around the internet for just about anyone to call her. Someone figured out her voicemail password (it wasn't hard, it was 1234) and Animal New York posted a sample of the aural delights found there, and it's not pretty.

Sure, there are a few drunk people saying retarded things, but even worse are all the people trying to get something out of her: a party promoter who wants her to host a gig that her girlfriend Samantha Ronson is DJing; a girl who wants to "have coffee" because she's "DJ, like Samantha Ronson" and then leaves her MySpace address; and her father, who just wants a call back.

Actually the saddest part is when Michael Lohan says that he went to hang out with Lindsay's siblings, but they didn't want to see him. Instead, he went to 7-11 and bought a copy of Lindsay's CD and is driving around listening to it. He even holds up the phone so we can hear. Yeah, cause that's what is going to make your daughter like you, knowing that you purchased her magnum opus from a roadside convenience store for $7.99?

This is the torture that must lead the starlet to her misbehavior. Oh, Lindsay, it is a sad and lonely life you lead, but this is why God invented publicists. They take all the shitty calls you don't want!

We hack the pages of In Touch, Star, Ok!, Us and Life& Style, in the gallery below.

Ok!
"Engaged!"
This story is ridiculous, because the "proposal" being referred to "on set" is the one happening as part of the plot of Eclipse when Edward asks Bella to marry him. But! The magazine prints the sentence: "Life might just imitate art." Kristen Stewart apparently jokes around with Robert Pattinson on set, saying things like, "Has anyone seen my husband?" Next: Halle Berry is obviously pregnant because she went to Nobu with boyfriend Gabriel Aubry, held her bag in front of her stomach, wouldn't eat any raw fish and refused to drink the complimentary wine sent to the table. Lastly: Rihanna still has feelings for Chris Brown, according to a friend. "She gets missing Chris and the shit starts all over. A kiss and a slap, a kiss and a slap. Right now she's feeling strong, but she's switched gears in the past and taken him back."
Grade: F (hard drive corrupted)

Life & Style
"Inside Shiloh's World"
Angelina Jolie took Shiloh to Corsica for the day and they split a panini. Shiloh's taste buds are becoming more sophisticated, blah blah blah. She told her parents, "I want to do what mommy and daddy do for a living," so expect her to be taking over Hollywood any day now. Moving along: The Spears family had a reunion when Britney flew her mom, sister and the baby to Miami to spend time with her, her dad and her kids. Michael Lohan says he now accepts Lindsay and Sam's relationship and apologizes for anything bad he might have said about Sam in the past. Next, a source says Michael Jackson told his doctors that he couldn't have children because he'd been kicked in the groin during his youth. Was it Joe? Lastly, Holly Madison says, "Plastic surgery changed my life." She had a nose job and breast implants and says surgery "made it easier to get things I wanted in my career. Without it I wouldn't be where I am today. Living with Hef brought down my self-esteem a lot. I was comparing myself to the other girls. Hef always said he didn't want me to get anything done." If you're interested in her old nose, you're in luck (Image 6).
Grade: D- (Gmail down)

Us
"Their Exes Speak Out"
Lots of pictures of LeAnn Rimes and Eddie Cibrian frolicking on the beach in Mexico together! The two went on a four-day trip to celebrate LeAnn's 27th birthday. Sources claim that Dean Sheremet and Brandi Glanville — the respective spouses — are becoming friends. Now, there's nothing in here about Dean being gay, but he "broke his silence" and talked to Us at an August 29th performance of Wicked on Broadway. Dean and LeAnn "talk every day" says a friend. "He's trying to date, but it's hard, because she's so controlling. She was like the man of the house." Moving on: Is Britney "smarter in glasses"? 83% say No (Image 7). Despite his ongoing flirtation with Jennifer Aniston, Gerard Butler is "pretty much dating every girl in New York City," says a source. Lastly: Us calls out Demi Moore for claiming never to have had plastic surgery. Maybe she doesn't consider Botox or facial fillers to be "surgery," but what about the implants (Image 8)?
Grade: D- (AIM worm)

Star
"Loveless Marriage"
Apparently when Tori and Dean first met, they were working on a TV movie together, and Dean thought Tori "looked like a horse" and joked that she'd need a paper bag over her head for him to kiss her. But he planned on making friends with her because she'd be a good contact. So the gist of this is that he only married her for money and fame and doesn't care about her. Yawn. Moving on: Stephanie Pratt's new lips "look natural" according to Dr. Paul Jarrod Frank, who does not treat her (Image 9). Britney Spears has been begging Jason Trawick to come back, texting and emailing constantly, and asking, "Don't you miss me?" Blind item! "Which hunky actor and his equally hot actress wife were recently seen snorting lines of cocaine at the Chateau Marmont? When spotted, they took the party back to their room." Renée Zellweger and Bradley Cooper are "playing house." They're both off promoting things now, but when she gets back to LA she's going to live with him at his place; he's set up a bathroom she can call her own! He may pop the question by the end of the year. Pregnant Nicole Richie "almost collapsed with grief" when she heard about DJ AM, says an insider. Now Joel Madden and her parents are worried because she's not really eating; a doctor has put her on bed rest. Lastly: A story claims that Ashlee Simpson "kicked Pete Wentz out" because she discovered evidence of him cheating on her, but never says what the evidence was, and also claims that she left the house in a fury and checked into a hotel. So how is that kicking him out? Oh, she did call him and say, "Don't bother coming home." Anyway, she is now on the Pete Diet; he gets her so upset, she can't eat.
Grade: D- (iPhone frozen)

In Touch
"Separated!"
A house divided! Angelina and Brad are "not only sleeping in separate beds, they are sleeping on opposite ends of the property." According to a "friend." Brad used to be "happy, gregarious and social," but Angelina "picks holes in his personality" and "belittles him on every subject possible from his parenting to his lack of knowledge about current affairs." An insider says Brad is really shy now and uses booze as a crutch to socialize now. He drinks to escape his inner turmoil! Plus, Brad purchased Chateau Miraval's winery, and the mag asks: "Is it really A good idea for Brad to buy a vineyard?" Because Brad and Angie feel "guilty" about their "crumbling relationship," they're spoiling the kids: They have theme days! Everyone dresses up as characters from movies or books, like James Bond or Harry Potter. "They had a Wizard Day, with magic potion punch to drink, and they had to solve clues to go to wizard college," spills a source. Next: Ever since Jason Trawick broke up with Britney Spears, her dad Jamie Spears has been trying to keep her busy so she doesn't go crazy again. Apparently Jason made Britney feel "beautiful and sane." Jermaine Dupri has been seen with other women since breaking up with Janet Jackson, and now her "baby dreams are shattered." A doctor had encouraged her to freeze her eggs, but this story doesn't say whether she did or not. But, the mag helpfully points out, "at least she has Michael's kids." A friend of Madonna's says she's casually dating Jesus but still considers Sean Penn her soul mate and it's "highly possible" that she and Sean will get back together now that he's getting divorced, even though Sean and Madonna got married TWENTY FIVE YEARS AGO. Lastly: "Was Lindsay Really Robbed?" Looking closely at the surveillance video images of the alleged burglar, it seems like maybe Lindsay Lohan robbed herself (Image 10). Was it so she wouldn't have to give the jewelry back? Was it so she could break her lease? Michael Lohan says it was an inside job and that the person "tried to make themselves look like Lindsay." But did Lindsay try to look like a burglar looking like Lindsay? Because that would be meta. Anyway: Lindsay has also maybe been cutting herself again (Image 11), which the mag calls a cry for help.
Grade: D (Facebook firewall)

Click "full size" to enlarge.

Click "full size" to enlarge.

Click "full size" to enlarge.

US
"Kendra & Kourtney Talk Baby!"
Everything you never wanted to know about these ladies, who are both due in December. Kendra found out she was pregnant in the bathroom of a baggage claim area in an airport. Kendra says: "We weren't trying, but we didn't use a condom that night." Kendra also says now that she's knocked up, "I've been hornier." There's more, about stuff coming out of Kendra's nipples and breastfeeding with implants and "crowning moments" and so on. Also inside: A source in Chris Brown's entourage says: "If anyone says Rihanna, people in his camp say, 'We don't use that name around here.'" Lastly: Jon Gosselin had a makeout session with University of Connecticut senior Katie Hudd on August 18 at the Foxwoods Resort. A pal who is a waitress at the casino and took pictures; and the manager of the place says he's seen them. Jon's rep says the girl just asked for a kiss on the cheek "and he obliged."
Grade: F (botched face lift)

In Touch
"Catfight Of The Year: Octomom Slams Kate"
It sounds like a wrestling match, but it's a story is based on comments Nadya Suleman made in the documentary Octomom: The Incredible Unseen Footage. Nadya said Kate Gosselin's tummy tuck was "cheating" and that Kate was "desperate for fame" and that the show was "fake." So Kate is livid and thinks that Nadya is trying to get revenge, since Kate was asked to be in the documentary and just ignored the request. Since Kate wouldn't show up, Nadya talked about Kate instead. Don't forget to check out the "Worse Mom" side-by-side comparison (Fig. 1). Yawn. Next: Jason Trawick has dumped Britney Spears because she is too clingy. The mag wonders: Will push her over the edge again? Apparently Britney was serious about Jason, but he saw the relationship as casual. A "friend" says: "All Britney wants is a husband. Jason just couldn't deal with that." Katie Holmes is rebelling against her marriage to Tom Cruise by overeating. Since she's been filming in Australia, she's been eating chocolate, potato chips and pizza — and gained five pounds. "Brad Pitt Finally Admits: It Won't Last." Apparently when Brad talked to Ann Curry, he said: "Someday, it won't always be there… I don't look forward to that day, so… the greater the love, the greater the loss." This mag interprets this stoner babble as his "process of separating from Angelina." Even though Brad and Angie are living together at Chateau Miraval, "they're actually living separate lives." The next page has a bunch of happy pictures of the couple and the kids at a pet store. Angelina is supposedly "miserable" yet smiling and petting a hamster. Lastly: Some of the stars on "dangerous diets" include Victoria Beckham, Jessica Alba and Taylor Momsen.
Grade: F (crooked eye job)

Life & Style
"How I Stay Thin!"
Jennifer Aniston stopped getting Zone diet delivery meals about six years ago when she hired personal chefs. She has this no-carb diet where she loses 5 pounds in 5 days by eating protein and veggies, blah blah blah. A source says: "She's not skinny, she's perfectly fit." Kate Hudson and Alex Rodriguez have only been dating for 3 months but Kate "already wants A-Rod to stop playing the field." "She's brought up marriage to him," says a pal. And she has "baby on the brain," and brought her parents to a baseball game. But a body language expert says he's just that not into her. What do you do when your sorta-shocking nude tape gets leaked? Eric Dane and Rebecca Gayheart are trying to bring an innocent child into the world! A source says she's three months along, and this little McSteamy will "save" their marriage. Jon Gosselin says his kids staged a "sit-in revolt" and didn't want to work when the TLC cameras were trying to film recently. An eyewitness says the crew was yelling at the kids to stay outside and keep filming, but the kids seemed really tired. But the crew kept pushing them. This article ends thusly: "While Daddy pursues other projects, and Mommy disappears on her days off, the eight children are left behind. And sadly, the only people guaranteed to be there for them are the ones operating the cameras." Sob!
Grade: F (horrific nose job)

Ok!
"Angie Tells Brad: Sleep On The Couch!"
This story's angle? Angie is a bad mom because she works. Brad wanted her to focus on the family and not her career; then Brad found a box of scripts and a fight ensued. Angie stormed out and told Brad to sleep on the couch. More reasons they're "at the breaking point": Brad wants Angelina to reconcile with her dad, because he doesn't believe in holding grudges. Also a problem? Brad's "embarrassing weight gain" — he's put on 10 pounds and has been seen at Dunkin' Donuts and pizza parlors — Angie finds his new belly unattractive. And his drinking could also be a factor. He's hoping that by doing some kind of Eat Clean diet "she'll fall in love with him all over again." Moving along: Renée Zellweger and Bradley Cooper went to see District 9 in NYC's Battery Park City and she offered to pay, but Bradley wouldn't let her. They were trying not to be spotted, but he was wearing sunglasses at night. They ate Junior Mints and M&Ms. A friend says: "She's not losing herself in the relationship or pushing the guy into marriage." Unlike Aniston!!! Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson's "sexual spark" might "explode" when they start filming Eclipse. An insider says: "Rob always thought Kris was gorgeous, but when he saw her in San Diego, he was blown away. The young girl he left behind in June had blossomed into a sexy rocker goddess." The Joan Jett haircut gets 'em every time. Jason Trawick was seen at Crown Bar in LA, surrounded by girls. Poor Britney!
Grade: F (terrible chemical peel)

Star
"Torn Apart By Grief"
John Travolta is really depressed about the death of his son Jett and has been holed up in his room watching movies and eating ice cream; Kelly Preston has been throwing herself into work and will play Miley Cyrus's mom in a new flick. Lindsay's reps deny that she got lip filler, but these pictures of Lindsay — and 14-year-old sister Ali — do not lie (Fig. 2). Shania Twain is getting married to the ex-husband of the woman who had an affair with her husband. It's a husband swap! Kate Gosselin made a handwritten list of her expenses, which she took to Kinko's to copy. A paparazzo zoomed in and took a photograph, so now we know that Kate pays $150 a month for cable and $5,000 a month for personal security. "Faking It For The Kids" — That's what Brad and Angie are doing. The relationship is on the rocks, but they don't want to upset the children. Through some long heart-to-hearts, Angie is persuading Brad to start over. By the by, in the midst of this "turmoil," Brad and Angie are in the process of buying Chateau Miraval, which they were renting. LeAnn Rimes and Eddie Cibrian have gone public with their affair and will marry when their divorces are finalized. A sources says "She's already subscribed to Bride's magazine." Last, but not least, the mag calls Mary-Kate Olsen "bloated," and says her "weight gain" is "shocking" — and that at 130 lbs. something must be wrong. "Bye-bye, billion dollar looks, hello bloat!" Nice way to treat a woman with an eating disorder (Fig 3).
Grade: F (scary brow lift)

Fig. 1

Fig 2 (click to enlarge)

Fig. 3 (click to enlarge)

What do you mean you haven't been watching Greek? It's the only teenage soap opera out there about the natural tensions between conformity and individualism in our colleges' Greek system. Some of those individuals are gay! Like Calvin, the spritely young black dude who loves other dudes— dudes like Michael. Michael is also a gay frat boy and Calvin's love interest. They're both openly gay but feel the pressure to be butch and unsexual around their frat brothers. Is it an appropriate gesture for Calvin to send Michael flowers because he didn't introduce Michael to his fraternity brothers? Ah, questions of sexual etiquette plague us all, don't they?

So good for ABC Family! It's heartening to see them portray openly gay men as regular folks instead of an insurgent force against marriage or mincing float ornaments! Maybe this puts the popular opinion just another teensy step ahead of our current laws? Maybe just a scosh.

From Lindsay Lohan's pregnancy propaganda film to to Greek's homosexual indoctrination, ABC Family has clearly taken a brazen stance on the population control issue. Where can we go for our pro-birth entertainment? Lou Dobbs, a nation tuns to you.

Thanks go to video intern Spencer Lund for watching a whole lot of Greek.

1.) Toddlers & Tiaras Is Back!

You know, the show that puts daughter-less mothers—who refuse to accept reality—on reality TV.

2.) Twinemies
The premiere episode of the second season featured twins AshLynn and BreAnne, who are forced to compete against each other. The mom so obviously likes BreAnne better. It's totally Jacob Have I Loved. Usually BreAnne wins the crowns, but at this pageant, she threw a temper tantrum and her father wouldn't let her compete for the rest of the day, so AshLynn ended up winning. BreAnne won't accept this. One day, a therapist will get an earful from one or both of them.

3.) Hand Puppets
This little girl is so Anna Nicole. Not because she's from Texas.

And not because she's cranky and flashy.

And not because she doesn't always make sense.

And not because her good behavior at photo shoots is rewarded with trips to McDonalds. No, she mostly reminds me of Anna Nicole because she has a face full of makeup and acts like a four year old. Also, her two best friends are her mother's hands, which she believes to be people, and that's something I can see Anna Nicole subscribing to.

4.) The Insider So Totally Doesn't Get "Ethics"



But at least they're curious.

5.) World's Strongest Toddler: That Don't Impress Ah Me Much



TLC did a whole special on this kid and the best evidence of his "title" was him lifting his mom's wuss weights over his head. Big whoop. Wake me up when he can French braid his own hair.

6.) Teens, Need A Summer Job?
Teenagers 16 and up are allowed to strip in Rhode Island (as long as they're home before midnight).

7.) Joe Jackson: "I started Leonard's career in music promotion."
Leonard:

8.) This Isn't An SNL Skit

9.) Crazy Old German Lady Beats Up Librarian, Gets Away With It
This is from some kind of Cops format show. I could barely edit it down because it's too awesome, beginning to end. While I love the German lady's outbursts, I'm also into how upset the one librarian gets when it's implied that she couldn't find the U.N Charter. ("I didn't even get the chance to look!")

10.) That's So Lindsay

In short: it sucked. A lot. While the failure of the film can't be completely blamed on Lindsay (the script was lacking, as were the jokes), it wasn't her finest hour. Mostly, she just looked really tired.

And when she didn't look tired, she looked like Dina.

ABC Family hyped the movie up in commercials as "a made-for-ABC-family movie," except it so obviously wasn't. The words "bullshit" and "masturbate" were bleeped out, and in the clip above, an entire portion of the birthing class scene was cut, with no explanation, which contributed to the disjointedness of the whole thing. Whatever the content of the footage was, it must've been too racy for the channel.

Although, fart jokes were allowed.

P.S. Did you know that Janeane Garofalo is in it?

According to Star Magazine, a stapled together collection of glossy pages with colors on them, LiLo is slated to star in an "indie fantasy comedy" called The Other Side. Think of it as Hannah Takes the Stairs mixed with The Mummy and Zelig. I kid. It'll be much pornier. Per Star, "the plot centers on a graduate student who takes a summer gig working at a science research facility on a remote island. Once there, she comes across and interesting cast of characters." Though promising, this little indie "fantasy" comedy, faces some major hurdles.

Copyright infringement: I'm fairly certain I saw this exact movie on the Spice Channel back in 2002, when I used to order 10 movies simultaneously on my Dad's television in some sort of strange revenge. It was called something like Desert Dissertation Vol. IV: Anal Proctor

The Cast: Along with the esteemed actress, other cast members include Woody Harrelson, Dave Matthews and Alanis Morissette. Combined, this trio once wrote, "Life has a funny way of sneaking up on you. When you think everything's okay and everything's going right. Sweet like candy to my soul Sweet you rock And sweet you roll. A black man would rather miss than look bad."

Lindsay Lohan Is Uninsurable: This is the least fun but also the most serious hurdle. As talent manager Bernie Brillstein once noted, "I believe [Lady Lohan]'s uninsurable. And when you're uninsurable in this town, you're done." Simply put, who's going to put money on Lohan actually finishing this project as opposed to say, freaking the fuck out and re-enacting her own personal Grey Gardens, holing herself up with a Kilimanjaro of cocaine and cat pee? The answer is probably no one.

Will this movie, slated for 2010, ever get released? And if it doesn't, will the world still survive the calamity? Maybe, probably, respectively. But the world without a film about a wise-cracking Lohan graduate student on a desert island with Dave Matthews wearing a Pukka necklace and little else is a sadder impoverished dystopia.

Ellen (DeGeneres, of the talk show) asked about the breakup and the rumors that Lohan had a restraining order issued against her by Samantha's sister Charlotte, in her usual funny, friendly way. And Lindsay gamely, well sorta gamely, played along. In that bitchy girl from high school trying not to act bitchy because you guys are stuck at your lame parents' dinner party because they're friends and she wants to be good so she'll get a car but mostly she just seems really disinterested kind of way. So it was disinterested, evasive stuff: "I didn't even know..." and "what could I do?", in reference to the alleged restraining order.

But mostly, yeah, Lohan claims she heard about her breakup in the big awful Media before she heard it from the horse's mouth. Which is too bad. Remember when that happened to poor Minnie Driver?

Ok!
"Idol Wars."
This incredibly boring story about how maybe Kara DioGuardi and Paula Abdul may not get along contains the following quote: "During breaks, Simon, Randy and Paula would leave the table to talk to the crowd or get food, leaving Kara to swivel in her chair," an onlooker tells Ok!. "Kara was the odd man out." Sniff! Moving on: If you looove Robert Pattinson, there are some pictures of him inside. Also inside: Neighbors overheard Lindsay Lohan in her house, yelling: "Mom, stop it! Enough! Quit it!" Apparently Dina was trying to get Lindsay to go to rehab. Next: Since Brad Pitt drives his kids to school now, moms on Long Island are getting dressed up! "They usually wear sweatpants, but now they're all decked out," a source says. Lastly, Marie Osmond says: "I'm the original Octomom!"
Grade: F (fire ants)

Life & Style
"Twilight Heartbreak."
The mag claims that Robert Pattinson has been hooking up with costar Nikki Reed. A source says: "Rob's been flirting with everyone on set, in front of Nikki, even though they've been sleeping together." But! "He can get any girl on set except Kristen [Stewart]." Anyway, Rob and Nikki have been fighting on set and OMG DRAMZ. Oh, look, a "poor Jennifer Aniston" story! This one is called "Jen's Struggle With Aging" and says: "She's having a problem with the fact that her character [in The Baster] who is trying to pregnant ages from 40 to 48 in the movie. 'She keeps saying it's not believable because she looks much younger,' says the insider. 'She asked the make-up artist what high-tech effects they're going to use to age her, and she was disappointed to learn there aren't any.'" Sad! Nadya Suleman says "I only slept 2 hours last night," and a doctor who does not treat her says, "Most people need between six and eight hours of sleep in some form." Really? You don't say! The Kardashians have a "dream house" now because their other house was too small or something. "The other house just felt so crowded," Kendall Kardashian says. The new mansion has six bedrooms and eight baths. This week in Dr. Rey's Casebook, it's "Who Has The Best Butt In Hollywood." [Fig. 1] The doctor says, "Most people would need a surgical solution like butt implants to achieve Beyoncé's look." Also, Mischa Barton would look better with AnnaLynne McCord's ass. There's an interview with Gwyneth and Madonna's trainer, Tracy Anderson, who says: "Anyone can have a teeny-tiny body." She may feel this way because she is five feet tall and 91 lbs. What if you are six feet or have different genetics, hmm?
Grade: D- (bed bugs)

In Touch
"How We Keep Our Love Alive."
There's nothing new in this cover story — lots of stuff about Barack and Michelle's exes, and the quotes come from Ladies Home Journal, O: The Oprah Magazine and Essence. But one awesome thing is this prom picture of Michelle [Fig 2]. Moving on: The mag uses a quote from Scarlett Johansson's Huffington Post rant against how tabloids comment on her weight as a diet tip. Breaking: Brad and Angelina haven't been seen together in 48 days! Uh-oh, Britney's man, backup dancer Chase Benz, has a girlfriend. Chase's mom talked to the mag from her home in Tennessee, saying: "He has a girlfriend that lives here in Tennessee. They've been dating for three years. She is 21 like Chase. And she is beautiful on the inside as well as the outside… Britney is a pretty girl but his girlfriend has nothing to worry about." Guess who is getting half of Mel Gibson's $900 million estate? His wife! There's no pre-nup… A story called "It's Baby Time!" claims that Halle Berry and Gabriel Aubry might adopt and Heidi Klum is four months pregnant. Next up: When Lindsay Lohan was out partying recently, she asked her friends to call her "Eleanor." But she denies this. Lisa Rinna on posing for Playboy at 45: "I hope it inspires women to feel good about themselves in their 40s, that you can still be viable and sexy." Another "Poor Jen" story! Ms. Aniston had "several secret meetings" with Gerard Butler because they're planning to star in a movie together. But Gerard is a "fame-seeker," and a "player" who "won't commit" so Jen is "picking the wrong man again." Jen's been calling her friends and crying, saying she can't stand to be alone. The mag helpfully points out that even though Jen ranked above Angelina on a list of celebrity salaries, "money can't buy love." Feel like stalking? Nicole Richie, Heidi Klum, Isla Fisher, Gwen Stefani and Jessica Alba all take their kids to "Hollywood's Hottest Playground," which is Coldwater Canyon Park in Beverly Hills. WOO HOO: Fourteen months after separating, Pink and Carey Hart are getting married again! A friend says they want to have a ceremony at their house in Malibu on the beach at sunset. Awww.
Grade: D+ (fleas)

Us
"Inside The $900 Million Split."
Mel Gibson has been cheating on his wife with a Russian musician named Oksana, who is on his music label. He also shot one of her videos. This story is illustrated with a picture of Mel kissing Oksana on a beach in Costa Rica. Moving on: Lindsay emailed Us and said: "These accusations of me being crazy are not only inadequate but absurd." The mag says she was out partying with her mom and drank 7 cocktails in less than 2 hours and couldn't even stand up; she counters: "I don't drink for quite some time now." As for the cutting, she says: "Hahaha… I'm not a cutter." She also defended her mother clubbing with her: "My mother is amazing and she came here to be here for me." Next: The mag claims that when Rihanna saw pictures of Chris Brown with a new ladyfriend, she sent him a text message, and he replied, "It's none of your business." An article called "Meet Bo Obama!" has a quote from a trainer who worked with Bo: "I have worked with a lot of dogs, and Bo is incredibly bright and sensitive. He has an excellent memory. He'd pick up a stick on a walk, drop it, then on the way back he would use his nose and go right to the same stick, which I found amazing." Lastly, in a story called "Palin Family Feud," the mag talks to Bristol's hairdresser and "friend" LaVancha Lankford, who says: "Bristol was shocked [that Levi's sister spoke to a tabloid]." A source claims that Levi Johnston has hooked up with a girl named Khori Elder, who has her lip pierced, and whose Facebook profile says "every girl needs a man to make her weak." This magazine also had a pull-out poster of Britney's Candie's ad in it, which we plan to hang in our non-existent locker.
Grade: C- (ticks)

Star
"Angelina Pregnant Again!"
A "family insider" says "Yes, Angie is pregnant. They've been trying for another baby for months, but it was still a total shock when she found out. Brad and Angie have been fighting so much lately it just doesn't seem possible." Another source says "It happened just in time because things were getting ugly between them." Wanna know all about the moment she told Brad? "Angie met him by the front door, looking gorgeous, and told him she was having a baby. Brad was shocked at first, I mean, he was just stunned. He literally swept Angelina off her feet and carried her into the house. He was laughing and crying and kissing her. It was very emotional for them both." Anyway this baby has put an end the the feuding and even though she's only two and a half months along, they're trying to decide where the kid will be born. Brad wants New Orleans. And! Angelina is craving Twinkies, just so you know. Next: Rupert Everett has done something to his face. [Fig. 3]. A doctor who does not treat him says: "I think Rupert had a face lift. His cheeks are fuller and lifted, and his jawline and neck are pulled back and smoother." Oh, and a chin implant. The forehead? Botox. Pink and Carey Hart have agreed never to be away from each other for more than 2 weeks. Make it work! Ed Westwick and Jessica Szohr went out to dinner with Ed's parents when they visited from England. Is Fergie losing her hair [Fig. 4]? Blind item: "Which actor needs to give his nose a break? His coke-heavy 'model parties' have already sent him to the hospital once recently, but he can't stop being host to starlets." Twilight gossip: "Kristen Stewart and Nikki Reed are competing for Rob's attention," says a source. Apparently they both like him and are "headed for a major showdown." Robert Pattinson has been visiting both of their hotel rooms. David Duchovny and Tea Leoni are totes back together and the mag has pictures of them dancing closely, embracing each other in the Caribbean. Here's a great quote from a story about Britney Spears and Kevin Federline: "Kevin misses Britney and her intrigue. She's the only woman who keeps his mind in suspense and constant turmoil. And Kevin misses the everyday fun of it." Miley Cyrus has a "secret brother" whom she never sees. His name is Christopher Cyrus, he's 17, and he lives with his mom and stepdad in Texas. Apparently Billy Ray fathered this kid right before Miley; they're less than 8 months apart. Levi Johnston' sister Mercede spoke to star again, saying, "My dad is determined to get 50/50 custody of Tripp for Levi. He's going to fight for it."
Grade: C (mosquitoes)

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Aufdenkamp has been called Lohan's "main gay," though at one point he told Hollywood gossip Perez Hilton he was straight. What the tabloids agree on: He's a bad influence whom Lohan's friends blame for her relapses.

Like Lohan, Aufdenkamp has a Twitter account. And his tweets, leaked by a helpful tipster, seem to confirm tabloid reports that Lohan has been out partying with friends. (Lohan has denied reports that she was downing Grey Goose, claiming she was drinking a vitamin-laced nutraceutical cocktail instead.)

Update: This email just came in:

i don't know if this email is going to the right place but i have received a few messages on my facebook with a link to your article that is stating that my twitter page was revealed. i don't have one and i would appreciate it if you could take down the article. I'm trying to get the twitter page removed. if you have any questions now or in the future please, just email me. thank you. thank you.
Patrick.

So it may just be another crazy prank in the Lohansphere section of the Twitterverse — like the time a dude in Michigan registered an account in the name of Lohan's mom Dina.

If it's a prank, it's a well-done one: The Aufdenkamp account's tweets are mostly banal. But we find this interesting: At the same time that he's directing smiley faces to Lohan's private "sevinnyne" account, he's also making nice with Samantha Ronson on Twitter, even after she changed the locks on her ex-lover. Another Twitter correspondent of Aufdenkamp: Nicole Richie, who's said to have dissed Lohan, Mean Girls-style, at a party at the Chateau Marmont.

Here are Aufdenkamp's purported secret Twitter messages:

Below, we hunt for actual gossip in the pages of OK!, Life & Style, Us, In Touch, and Star



Ok!
Some people on The Biggest Loser weigh less than they used to. Here's their secret: exercise and eat healthier food. In other news, Kevin Federline told Britney Spears that he will take their kids off her tour if she doesn't stop her wild ways. She's been clubbing with her back up dancers, and the mag says her shouting "Merry Christmas" during a March 24 concert and wearing a blonde wig is evidence that she's "increasingly erratic." A source says Kevin, "didn't sign up to be the babysitter so she could party." Next up, in a two page interview with Brittany Murphy about her dog, the mag prints this sentence: "You would think that, since she's been married for almost two years, owning a cute puppy would point to one thing on Brittany Murphy's to-do list: babies!" In Lindsay Lohan news, a mutual friend says she and Samantha Ronson were cheating on each other. "Sam's 100 percent cheated. [sic] But Lindsay hasn't exactly been faithful herself," says the pal. "She would make out with a tree if it called her beautiful." The mag redeems this F of an issue with a Kathy Griffin bikini shoot. As you'll recall Kathy was recently pictured in her bathing suit with Paris Hilton. "A lot more guys were looking at me than Paris," says Kathy. "Granted, they were gay, but they were checking out my hot ass!" She calls out new Hollywood moms who parade their post-baby bodies in a bikini, saying, "Most American women don't lose weight after they have kids, but according to Hollywood you do! It's like a diet!" and shares her thoughts on other star's swimsuit looks. (Fig. 1)
Grade: F+ (Finding brown jelly beans)

Life & Style
In an 8-page interview, Nadya Suleman claims once again that she's never been on food stamps, says now she's going to "wait until the kids get much older to go back and finish getting my master's degree," and insists, "if I were married, I'd still be judged, but not this harshly." She denies that she used to be a stripper and says the only plastic surgery she's had is a breast reduction. The cover claims she talks about the octuplets' father and having more kids, but she just says she won't give any more information on the dad and when the mag asks if she'd consider adoption, she replies, "I don't know." Moving on: Angelina and Brad are fighting over what religion the kids should be raised with. Angelina once said she would teach her kids about all faiths and let them pick, but Brad wants the kids raised Baptist like he was. "He's from a family that looked at church as a big part of their lives," says an insider, "and he wonders why he can't expose his own children to the same influence." Rosalie Hale of Twilight spent the night at co-star Robert Pattinson's place after a party. There are pictures of Pete Wentz partying with scantily clad women at the Palms Resort & Casino in Las Vegas. He was "dancing with a girl, then he was being wheeled around in a wheel chair and playing slip-and-slide with KY lubricant." Wife Ashlee Simpson was not present, but it turns out the whole scene was being filmed by the hotel for promotional footage. According to Dr. Rey's Casebook, post-nose job "Megan [Fox]'s sniffer complements her face" but "Sarah Jessica [Parker]'s could use some straightening." He also claims Claire Danes would look better with Hayden Panettiere's nose, but we beg to differ. (Fig. 2)
Grade: D- (Rotten Easter egg)

Us
This is either the best or worst mag of the week, depending on how much you care about Lindsay Lohan. The only notable story is an interview with Lindsay, in which she tells her side of her breakup with Samantha Ronson in excruciating detail. Basically, she says that the Ronson family conspired to ruin her relationship and the Charlotte Ronson party was a set up. A friend lured her there by saying Sam wanted to talk to her and when she got there Sam was crying the bathroom. Ronson's mom started yelling at Lindsay, and the other party guests turned on Lindsay. "Nicole Richie walks by and goes, 'Uck.' and I don't know what I've ever done to her," she says. Linds says she didn't write the updates on her Twitter. Someone at the party knew her password and hacked into her account. It seems the mag isn't buying Lindsay's story, as the article is peppered with contradicting quotes from anonymous sources. "Lindsay's state has just devolved completely. She has no grip on reality and feels the world is against her," says a friend. "She should be institutionalized at this point."
Grade: D (Melted chocolate bunny)

In Touch
"Now It's War" Brad put his foot down when Angelina suggested they adopt another child from Ethiopia, and now she's furious. "She told Brad he had no right to tell her she can't add to her family and that she will adopt again - with or without his permission," says a friend. Angie pointed out that she adopted Maddox, Zahara, and Pax as a single mom, so she really doesn't need Brad to adopt. Though a friend says, "if it comes down to choosing more kids or keeping Brad, then she'll choose having more kids," she doesn't seem that into the six she has. "Angie gets flustered trying to do Zahara's hair," the friend says. "And she doesn't always have the patience to do Shiloh's hair either. She asks the girls to try and learn to do it themselves." Next: "Are the Hills stars pressured to have surgery?" The mag speculates that in addition to Heidi Montag (who has admitted to going under the knife), Audrina Patridge, Lo Bosworth, Whitney Port, and Olivia Palermo may have had facial plastic surgery. (Fig. 3) Cameron Diaz has been fighting with boyfriend Paul Sculfor, and the mag claims it's making her lose weight. "She's been pining for Paul and lost her appetite," explains a friend. Now that Paul is in England for work, "She doesn't have him to cook for anymore." Here's a new theory from on why Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer broke up: he's kind of gay. (Fig. 4) Katie Holmes "has decided to give [Tom Cruise] as many babies as he wants and not wait" because "she believes the most important thing in life is making your loved one's dreams come true," says a friend. In a recent interview Tom said he wants 10 kids so the mag figures Katie has seven babies to go. In "Ed's Gone From Hunky To Chunky" we learn that Ed Westwick has put on an estimated 10 pounds. His Gossip Girl castmates have been making fun of him, costumers had to buy him bigger clothes, and they asked the producers to tell him "they don't want Chuck to be fat."
Grade: D+ (White stuff on your chocolate)

Star
"Caught in Bed" Britney Spears has been hooking up with Kevin Federline on tour. "It's like they're newlyweds all over again," says a family insider. K-Fed's girlfriend, Victoria Prince, "caught" them when she called Kevin's cell phone at 2 a.m. and heard Britney giggling and talking in the background. Brit's annoyed that Kev answered the phone so she's been flirting with backup dancer Chase Benz to make him jealous. As for Kevin, he "now says Victoria is more a friend with benefits than a girlfriend. Since she caught him with Britney, he's not even hiding their flings from her anymore," says a source. In wedding news, the mag claims Seth Rogen is planning to propose to his girlfriend of four years, Lauren Miller this summer, while Anne Hathaway and boyfriend Adam Shulman may get married this fall. They've only been together since October, but they are planning to have a "trial marriage" (the mag's term for living together) when they relocate to New York City this summer. There's a room in J.Lo's mansion devoted entirely to her expensive wigs. Levi Johnston's sister, Mercede, talked to Star about the Palin family. "Levi tries to visit Tripp every single day, but Bristol makes it nearly impossible for him. She tells him he can't take the baby to our house because she doesn't want him around 'white trash,'" she says. Blind item: "Which reality starlet can't choose between her jealous boyfriend and her ex? Not only was her costar her first beau, but he was also her first lover! the fashionista is still obsessed." Clive Owen says when he visited his daughter Hannah, 12, at school, she introduced him to her "half-boyfriend." Clive complains, "She tells me, 'Dad...I share him with a friend.' I still feel awful thinking about it." Next: Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise have been fighting so they've turned to Scientologist marriage counseling. But, since Tom is an Operating Thetan, they're only advising that Katie needs to change to please Tom, who outranks her. Moving on: A New Jersey businessman has filed divorce papers claiming that, Ann C. Kelly, his wife of 17 years, "committed adultery with one Bruce Springsteen ...at various times and places too numerous to mention." Kelly says they're just friends but people in the area have said for years that they are having an affair. Finally, in the sidebar "Arms Disgrace" the mag writes: "Kudos to Khloe [Kardashian] for resisting Hollywood's pressure to be pin thin ..." then goes on to say she needs to get rid of her "saggy" upper arms. (Fig. 5)
Grade: C- (Stale Peeps)

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