So, yes, Showtime and Ilene Chaiken, creator of the lesbian soap The L Word, have again teamed up to pipe even more lesbian drama into America's homes. They're being mum on the details, so we're offering some of our own:

• Considering that Chaiken will be a part of the show, there's no doubt in our mind that some lesbian power couple will be included. Ellen and Portia are way above such antics, but we would settle for Jamie Babbit and Andrea Sperling, who brought us But I'm a Cheerleader and, yes, worked on a few episodes of The L Word. Plus, the couple has two children, so we can all get a "two mommies" moment.

  
  

• While we're on the subject of Hollywood's lesbian machine, how about inviting Top Gun actress Kelly McGillis to appear? She just came out and that always brings drama.

  
  

• It would be good for Chaiken to include a young dykette. Sure, she may not fit the "housewives" criteria, but you know how the lesbians love to take a youngin' under their wing and help them fly. Maybe McGillis can be the teacher.

  
  

• Now, we know this isn't likely, but we'll bring it up anyway: The L Word was great both for its over-the-top drama and its unabashed lesbian sex. We're sure there won't be any sexxx scenes on this new show. Titties, however, are definitely encouraged. Maybe a lesbian stripper trying to make it as a singer? We would also settle for a lesbian stand-up comic. Who shows her titties.

  
  

• We also envision a butch dyke worker who has a hot-ass wife who spends her days on Rodeo Drive shopping and getting her nails just right. Also, a woman with a really girly profession, like secretary or teacher.

  
  

• Please, please don't have anything centering around the gay and lesbian community center. Yes, we're glad they exist and all, but they're a total drag. And the lighting's always so hetero.

  
  

• No fat chicks. (Ha! We kid, of course. Don't hurt us!)

1.) One Life to Live Does Grey Gardens
During a drunken daydream, one character on the soap imagined life as Edie Beale. They did a musical number, and the Costume of the Day speech, although the accent was way off.

2.) Joan Rivers on Live TV
I love that for her publicity tour for her new reality show, she keeps dropping F bombs on live television.

3.) Police Women Get Stuck With The Vagina Jobs

4.) Moe
Former Jezebel editor Moe Tkacik was on MSNBC on Tuesday morning, where she talked about the economy and possibly got hit on.

5.) Do You Remember the Time?
It was discovered that a 3000-year-old tomb of a mummified woman looks exactly like MJ.

6.) Lesbians Aren't Into Sausage Parties
Zing to you, Gordon Ramsey!

7.) Wasted Housewives of Atlanta
I love how drunk and loving NeNe and Kim got at their "let's be friends again" dinner.

8.) Who Pulled Tiger Woods' Finger?

9.) Do You Wanna Hear Someone From Chicago Pronounce "Coup d'état"?

10.) Why Am I So Obsessed With Her?
Her feigned modesty is one reason.

But his next target? Jessica Simpson, played by a woman with more weight on her than the singer has.

In case you miss it, there's attention paid to her "fat." Also, she is eating a burger whenever possible.

Reference is made to Amy Winehouse, but we'll get to her later.

A Kim Kardashian look-alike also plays a part in this video, intimidating mere mortals with her otherworldly ass.

Next we see Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson doppelgangers. The lyrics: "Lindsay, please come back to seein' men: Samantha's a two, you're practically a ten." The way "seein' men" is rapped, it sounds like "semen."

Then Eminem, dressed as Spock, puts a sleeper hold on "Uhura."

Right after Em mentions Ellen and Portia, (he says, "Sorry, Portia, what's Ellen DeGeneres have that I don't, are you telling me tenderness?") we see Sarah Palin, showing bra.

The Asian playing Inuit and the polar bear seem cribbed from SNL.

But Eminem doesn't just make fun of women, or reality stars. He makes fun of himself. Here he is as Dustin Hoffman in Rain Man, which is not only a tip of the hat to critics who say he is nothing without his producer but Em's own way of toying with the notion that he's the "idiot savant" who only knows one thing —how to rap — and not how to behave in public or be politically correct.

But it's about 3:13 miuntes in, when Eminem — as Spock — visits "Planet Womyn" — that will probably get people all riled up. This barren wasteland of butch dyke sterotypes finds Em fighting "Sam" Ronson while "Lindsay" looks on…

… From a cage. Homophobia alert.

Still, after dressing like Elvis and making out with "Amy Winehouse," it's intersting that Em is seen doing this:

Sticking the body of Kim Kardashian in a wood chipper [shades of 'Hustler'? Or 'Fargo'? -Ed.] , and watching cash come out. Because honestly, as the chorus of this song goes, "We're the ones who made you." It's easy to make fun of these women but to also see that they are targets, and in most cases, the more we talk about them, the more money they generate. Celebrity is a business that eats people alive, and there's an entire layer of this video which acknowledges this fact.

And "Sarah Palin" pulling off "Bret's" bandanna to find him bald is just hilarious, and something we have all speculated about.

While Eminem's video might be sexist and homophobic and also a little bit funny, at least he doesn't let himself off the hook: He's in the electric chair, getting fried.

By turning the attacks on himself, the video feels more like a zany free-for-all and a nihilistic look at one man's lost place in society than a straight-up attack on women and gays. It's not especially shocking; especially considering the kind of lyrics and videos hip-hop is known for. But judge for yourself:

Eminem — We Made You [This Is 50]

Still, the lesbian goddess giveth with one hand while she takes away with the other, for no sooner did the two marry than details of a sapphic Hollywood breakup emerged involving the famously "gone gay" Lindsay Lohan.

According to News of the World, Lohan's assignation with Samantha Ronson isn't her first walk on the same-sex side. In fact, they quote an anonymous source that fills the tabloid in on all the steamy details that surrounded Lohan's relationship with Courtenay Semel (daughter of ex-WB topper Terry Semel).

“From the start Lindsay was very confused about her feelings for Courtenay so did more and more drugs to stifle the sexual attraction she was experiencing.

“But eventually she just gave in and at every party they’d kiss and touch each other in the corner. It’s a miracle nobody found out.

“Both of them would do lines of cocaine in the toilets then head home and fall into bed together."

Sadly, those strong romantic underpinnings were eventually undone by Lohan's refusal to go public, though her relationship with Ronson would be considerably more higher-profile. As for Semel, she moved on to Tila Tequila, the bisexual MTV star who was just quoted in the AP's Degeneres article: "I just want to say congratulations, and I am really sorry you didn't invite me to your wedding." Though it may seem like there are hurt feelings in the small world of Hollywood power lesbians, we're sure it's nothing that can't be settled by a day trip to Long Beach and a round of $2 domestic beers at Shotgun.

• Ellen DeGeneres marries lesbian partner Portia de Rossi in sunset LA ceremony [Daily Mail]
• My secret lesbian lust with Lindsay Lohan [News of the World]

First of all, the rumors actually have some foundation. The duo were photographed cuddling at a party on P. Diddy's yacht in Cannes, a high-profile affair at which Lohan and Ronson kissed very publicly. They've also been spotted together in New York, L.A., and Chicago. Lohan's Dad is all duh, saying that the nature of their relationship is "evident to anyone with half a brain."

That means nothing. Photos can be misinterpreted or staged. Paris Hilton has made out with other girls, and nobody thinks she did so for any reason other than a need for attention. Even if the two were actually dating, Lohan's crush could be put down to the bisexual experimentation of an emotionally needy 21-year-old. And the Mean Girls star's creepy father Michael is so desperate to reinsert himself into his daughter's life that he'd say anything.

But tellingly, there's been no denial of the speculation from Lindsay's camp. Her PR rep Leslie Sloane said simply that the two are "close friends." Dina Lohan was quoted in US Weekly saying that Samantha was a "a sweetheart" and "the best spinner around," praising her DJ skills. Celebrity weekly insiders are convinced the romance is real—and serious.

Here's what's cool: Lohan has been entirely matter-of-fact about the whole affair. She's continued to appear in public with her rumored lover. There has been no moaning from her about private-life intrusion from the media, and no cries from her cougar mom to "Leave Lindsey ALONE!"

Of course same-sex relationships aren't as scandalous in Hollywood as they once were. There are plenty of openly gay actors and TV personalities, from Ellen De Degeneres to Jodie Foster. But they tend to be much much older when they come out—actors, for instance, when they're no longer up for parts as the heterosexual romantic lead and have less to lose professionally. In the case of leading man Cary Grant, for instance, it was only decades later that his "roommate" Randolph Scott was revealed to have been his lover.

So Lohan's openness is a big deal, and it's awesome! Despite her bouts of rehab and some unfortunate recent roles, she's young and still has most of her career ahead of her, so the stakes are high. Lohan acts as if she's in love with another woman—and she's put her personal happiness over any standard Hollywood career logic. Lohan's love has conquered all! She may be a mess; but someone give her one of those GLAAD awards for surprising us all as a modern gay hero.

[Photo: Celebrity Vibe via People.com]

It's not like we didn't see this coming, although even the most cynical of marketplace buyers probably wouldn't have guessed the accompanying snapshots might be the biggest pick-up of the festival. And really, is this tame glint of intimacy any more suggestive than the hickeys, cohabitation, cattiness and mutual shopping excursions of their recent, torrid past?

Whatever. Hey, look! Another glowing Che review from Salon's Andrew O— What? You want... Oh, for Christ's sake. Fine. Just this once, though:

Here are a few fantastic round-ups of aQuentin Tarantino lecture from the other day. We admit we've always had a soft spot for his cockiness, his divisiveness, his... What? OK, OK — but this is the last one! We mean it!

Ahem. So. The Variety review of Charlie Kaufman's directing debut Synedoche, New York is about as cautiously optimistic as critic Todd McCarthy gets, at once praising its ambition while pointing out its certain doom among buyers, viewers and history alike:

Like an anxious artist afraid he may not get another chance, Charlie Kaufman tries to Say It All in his directorial debut, Synecdoche, New York. A wildly ambitious and gravely serious contemplation of life, love, art, human decay and death, the film bears Kaufman's scripting fingerprints in its structural trickery and multi-plane storytelling. ... On the most superficial level, many viewers will be nauseated by the many explicit manifestations of physical malfunction, bodily fluids, bleeding and deterioration. A larger issue will be the film's developing spin into realms that can most charitably be described as ambiguous and more derisively will be regarded as obscuritanist and incomprehensible.

"Obscuritanist," Todd? Really? We liked it so much better when we could just read from afar without feeling like it's our turn in a Scrabble game. Anyway, one of these films from the last week of dispatches will claim this year's Palme D'Or on Saturday; we'll bring you the news when it happens, assuming it immediately precedes or follows another torrid, yachtside lesbian encounter. Otherwise? It can wait.

• Looks Like Lindsay Lohan is a Lesbian, Kissing Samantha Ronson [Egotastic]

We will leave the decision up to you, the educated Defamer reader, to decide whether or not Page's brevity in conversation and pleasure in killing cows means she wants to hug another woman with her legs in friendship. Us, we're more disappointed in her too-cool-for-school attitude and reluctance play along when Jay lobbed a few "So! What kind of tourist-y things do you do here in LA!" jokes at her (mostly involving dinosaurs, tar pits, and dinosaurs in tar pits). Not to mention yet another wisecrack about how Kev was voted Sexiest Vegetarian a thousand years ago. No Tonight Show guest, no matter how above it all, can be forgiven for allowing Jay to speak or think on his own for that long.

• THE TONIGHT SHOW WITH JAY LENO [NBC]

The book publisher for Maureen McCormick, who played Marcia Brady on the 1970s sitcom "The Brady Bunch," is shooting down rumors that she had a lesbian on-set affair with co-star Eve Plumb, who played her younger sister Jan.

"We are verifying that it is not true," said Debbie Styer, senior vice president of group publicity at William Morrow, the book's publisher. "The real story of what happened in [McCormick's] life and behind the scenes of the show will all come out when the book comes out."

• Lesbian Bradys? Publisher Denies Report [abcnews.go.com]

[Maureen] McCormick's tell-all, Here's the Story, won't hit bookstores until 2008, but publishers are already buzzing about the big reveal. [...]

A source tells The National Enquirer, "The most explosive comments will be how the then blonde, blue-eyed cutie developed a crush on Eve Plumb, which led to some sexual play.

"This book will certainly come as a shocker. While Maureen is not a lesbian, she reveals there were some sexual hijinks going on behind the scenes.

This news came as a complete shock, and we have since been replaying Brady moments over in our heads, wondering if the truth had been staring us in the face all along. One thing is for certain: Jan's cries of, "Marcia! Marcia! Marcia!" now take on ominous new implications. We can only hope the disturbing Brady revelations end here, and Peter isn't compelled to share deeply repressed memories involving his father, the garage, and a basketball pump that would lead him many years later into the reassuring arms of a slightly deranged reality TV model-search winner.

• 'Brady Bunch' Star Reveals All About Lesbian Fling with TV Sister [Hollywood.com]