Yes, by now we've all heard and seen that Kirstie Alley "would be dead" without Scientology. We're not here to cast aspersions in her general direction because, hey, whatever floats her boat is fine by us, ya know? But with billable hours being the way they are these days, we're wondering if it was a good use of her legal eagles' (apparently unlimited) time to crank out a toothless missive for what amounted to be a throwaway one-sentence joke buried on page 87 of a glossy mag. We're going with a strongly-worded yet equally toothless response of "Not so much!"

appeared in court wearing a black coat and clutching a black trilby hat. He told the court he could not pay the fine Wednesday because he had only 50 cents with him.

He apologized for the incident, but called [kick recipient and BBC journalist Trudi] Barber part of the 'harassing scum of press.'

Doherty Fined for Assaulting Journalist [AP]
[Photo: Getty Images]

Late yesterday, when we noted corporate garbage disposal behemoth Emerson Electric Co. lawsuit against NBC over Heroes' unauthorized, potentially defaming depiction of one their fine waste-elimination products, we weren't able to hunt down pictures of the disputed scene. But we've finally obtained screen captures of the grisly, brand-besmirching images, which we've helpfully assembled into a collage demonstrating the network's clear attempt to portray the featured InSinkErator™ device as a looming, cheerleader-mangling black hole from which no teenage extremity could possibly escape unflayed. NBC still maintains that Emerson's claims are without merit, but in the interest of insulating themselves from further frivolous lawsuits, plan to remove a controversial scene from the show's fourth episode, where the rapid-healing character further demonstrates her invulnerability to kitchen appliance injuries by placing her bare foot in a whirring Sunbeam blender.

• NBC Sued For Not Spotighting Garbage Disposal Non-Extremity-Mangling Features [Defamer]

The filing comes complete with color printouts that show a re-creation of a woman putting her hand in the disposal and pulling it out mangled and bloody. The suit says the scene suggests that the Emerson In-Sink-Erator "will cause debilitating and severe injuries, including the loss of fingers, in the event consumers were to accidentally insert their hand into one."

The suit also says the scene "casts the disposer in an unsavory light, irreparably tarnishing the product."

"It's a trademark thing," said Dan Callahan, a spokesman for Emerson, adding that the issue is not the damage that a disposal might do.

Today's NY Post reported that NBC has already altered the disputed scene (just because they felt like it, not because they're admitting any wrongdoing), but it's unclear how they changed the footage. We imagine it would be small matter to tailor any additional edits to appease the complaintant; today's digital editing technology should make it easy for the network to delete the frames in which the cheerleaders' fingers magically restore themselves to their uninjured state and insert a promotional voiceover stating, "When an InSinkErator™ disposal's stainless-steel, triple-blade mechanism mangles your fingers, they stay mangled."

• Emerson tries to block rebroadcast of 'Heroes' [St. Louis Post Dispatch]
• 'HEROES' CUTS [NY Post]

"We have no intent to sue Sumner Redstone over his pompous and inane statements about Tom Cruise's conduct as a reason for not re-signing him," Fields said by phone from his vacation home in France when asked whether a claim for defamation or other causes of action was in the works. "This is not something that will be solved in some court proceeding." [...]

"What's he talking about?" Fields said of Redstone. "Tom jumped up and down on Oprah Winfrey's couch because he's wildly in love with Katie Holmes. He spoke out that people, especially children, shouldn't use mind-altering drugs. To say that's conduct that's unacceptable to Mr. Redstone? In the history of the film business, this will be remembered as the self-destruction of a movie mogul — he's either lost it all or he's getting very bad advice."

Fields, of course, is nothing if not a pragmatist willing to work both sides of an issue, and we imagine that now his trip to France has become a working vacation, he's drafting an ever-so-slightly altered version of his statement, just in case Redstone wants to retain him: "Tom jumped up and down on Oprah Winfrey's couch because he's wildly pretending to be in love with Katie Holmes. He spoke out that sick people, especially children, shouldn't use mind-altering quality-of-life-improving drugs. To say that's Such conduct that's is unacceptable to Mr. Redstone?. In the history of the film business, this will be remembered as the self-destruction of a movie mogul star — he's either lost it all or he's getting very bad advice from his Scientology handlers."

• Fields: Cruise Won't Sue Over Paramount Departure [THR ESQ]

Our firm represents a celebrity whose date planner/diary/personal journal was stolen. A police report has been filed and the police are currently investigating this matter. I am putting you on notice that if you publish any information from this stolen date planner/diary/personal journal, you will be exposed to substantial liability for copyright infringement and violation of right of privacy, Furthermore, if any monies are paid for the purchase of information that is contained in this date planner/diary/personal journal, you will be engaged in the purchase of stolen property.

As TSG helpfully points out, the tragic heroine of the Curious Case of the Purloined DayRunner is likely Lindsay Lohan; according to the NY Daily News' Ben Widdicombe (who's cruelly withholding his copy of the pages), Lohan scribbled song ideas as well as notes about Jared Leto and Hollywood man-whore-about-town Adam Levine in the diary (imagined sample entry: 1/23/06: Dear Hello Kitty: Jared is such a hottie!!! but I think I want to hook up with Adam to make him sooo jealous! Possible song title: What Jared Does 2 Me I Will Do 2 Adam 4ever), which was returned to her with pages missing. Perhaps everyone would have been better served if the lawyers hadn't made so much noise about the journal's existence, which probably would've been indistinguishable from that of any boy-crazy 11-year-old obsessed with reruns of My So-Called Life and Maroon 5's power ballads.

• Lindsay Lohan Diary Warning [TSG]
• Previously: Lindsay Lohan Finally Winds Up On The Pole [Defamer]

NERVOUS TV bosses have axed an episode of South Park which OUTS a fictional Tom Cruise character as gay because they are scared the real actor will SUE.

The wacky cartoon shows Hollywood star Cruise refusing to come out of a closet in a reference to rumours about his sexuality

It was shown in America last year but Cruise, 43, is believed to have threatened legal action if it is shown again.

So it will not be screened on the Paramount channel on Friday as planned. An insider said: Tom is famously very litigious and will go to great lengths to protect his reputation.

It would be an impressive maneuver if Cruise's ferocious legal team were capable of censoring the episode in looser lipped though litigation friendly England, when they couldn't manage to accomplish the same on our shores. Should UK broadcasters choose to air it, however, rest assured that scary Cruise lawyer Bert Fields is up to the challenge. We imagine his legal interns are frantically powdering his horse-hair poofy wigs as we speak.

• Cruise axe for South Park [The Sun]
• Trapped in the Closet [Scientomogy]
• Previously: Should Tom Cruise Sue South Park ? [Defamer]
• Tom Cruise South Park Episode A Lesson In Corporate Synergy [Defamer]

Imagine a white person in the Jim Crow South suing to counter rumors that he was hiding African-American ancestry, and the problem with such a claim becomes plain: The purpose of the claim is to restore the plaintiff to a prior, undeserved position of societal privilege, so he can avoid the maltreatment, racism — and if he is a racist himself, the shame — that he would otherwise suffer. The claim itself, then, rests on a malicious societal hierarchy.

The same is arguably true of a claim by a straight person that he has been falsely labeled as gay: Such a claim takes advantage of the courts so that one person can escape bias that others unfairly suffer.

It also caters to societal bias by saying, in effect, "Stop thinking less of me; I'm not really gay." But imagine, again, the parallel claim: "Stop thinking less of me, I'm not really African-American."

Even if someone decided to take this argument beyond the theoretical and accused Cruise of being African-American just to see if he'd sue (hey, South Park, want more free publicity?), we doubt they'd ever see a legal threat. After all, Cruise pals Will Smith and Jamie Foxx are doing pretty well for themselves, but the idea that he could wind up playing "Hotel Desk Clerk" like Eyes Wide Shut co-star Alan Cumming instead of the butch protagonist of the Mission:Impossible franchise keeps Scary Hollywood Lawyer Bert Fields number one on his speed dial.

• Could Tom Cruise Sue "South Park" For Suggesting He is Gay? And Even If He Could, Should He? [FindLaw]
• Tom Cruise South Park Episode A Lesson In Corporate Synergy [Defamer]

To our knowledge, we've never stated that Murphy either used heroin or had sexual relations at a Hollywood party, which would be illegal and tacky, respectively, but we apologize for any confusion on this count. Let the record stand corrected: Murphy's reps state unequivocally that she's not Jordache Junky, does not use heroin, and did not have sex at a bar mitzvah. (They meant "Hollywood bash," as per the Casablanca item, but we're uniters, not dividers.)

As to the dumper/dumpee situation, these things are almost intrinsically he-said/she-said affairs. Can anyone but the parties involved know the "true facts" about who threw the first piece of dinnerware, or who locked whom out of the house? (We're speaking metaphorically, of course, and not implying any actual damage to china and/or drama with deadbolts.) However, Team Murphy's position is clear and unwavering: the actress cut loose both her agency and management company. There you have it.

Also, while we're correcting the record, we have to admit that we really liked Uptown Girls, in which Murphy more than held her own with the hammy, scene-stealing Dakota Fanning.

• The World Laughs At Jude Law’s Nanny-Poking Stick [Defamer]