We got leaked this parody video starring the network's marketing heads Mike Benson and Marla Provencio in which they "pimp" a made-up show called The Smoking Clown. Supposedly it was made a while back for an internal meet-and-greet within the network in which each department tells the others what it is that they do. It's not clear if this was ever shown or if the idea of video showing a bunch of television executives smoking and drinking in the office was squashed before the meeting.

For fourteen profanity-laden minutes, the crack team guides us through the soulless business of commodifying and selling something you absolutely hate. Everything is covered smarmily—from bitchy contract-waving actors, to competition with other networks, to strategies for ensnaring lucrative and elusive kids' eyeballs.

And while it's all pretty ha ha, sure, it's also pretty insidious. In that, while The Smoking Clown doesn't exist, utter ABC dreck like Private Practice does. And, through all of the nefarious means depicted here, the show is fed to and lapped up by brain-addled regular Americans just like you and me. We're being manipulated, people! And they're just sitting back and laughing at us.

Keep an eye out for Lost co-creators Damon Lindelof and Carlton Cuse playing themselves. Network cross-promotion!

Unlike with Sarah Palin's emails, there's not really a public-spirited reason to post the screenshots the hackers took, except, of course, pure voyeurism. The detail-by-detail, appointment-by-appointment depiction of the lifestyle of a rich and famous actress is all engrossing stuff for the masses (and for us). And yet it feels oddly unsatisfying — the same drip, drip, drip of minutiae that the Internet famous overshare on blogs and Twitter.

Screenshots of the shayek@mac.com email account, released by habitués of the online bulletin board 4chan, appear to be authentic. Breaking into the account was a simple matter of knowing Hayek's birthday — September 2 — and guessing at her security word (they claim it was the name of her best known movie role) to reset the account's password. Public-records searches show that the 323-area-code phone number Hayek listed in a sent email belongs to the actress. A spokeswoman for Hayek has not returned a call requesting comment.

The glimpses into Hayek's life revealed by her inbox are fascinating, even if mundane: The stranger-suckling actress has been invited to America Ferreira's 25th birthday party. She downloads a bunch of iPhone applications from the iTunes App Store — and she gets spam from Apple, just like the rest of us. As for the perks of being famous, a driver was scheduled to meet her flight arriving in Abu Dhabi. American Express has given her a new Gold card. (What, she doesn't rate the exclusive black Centurion Card?) Balenciaga and Stella McCartney deliver designer clothes to her apartment. She schedules "Japanese face massages." And she gets scans of stories about her in the celebrity weeklies.

The release of the photo, taken in the course of a police investigation into Rihanna's alleged battering at the hands of boyfriend and fellow R&B star Chris Brown, set off a media-ethics firestorm and an internal LAPD investigation.

TMZ, like the National Enquirer, is known for engaging in checkbook journalism, a controversial practice where publications pay sources for information. Levin's site paid $165,000 for a tape of O.J. Simpson — a figure that TheMediaBuffet.com says was leaked by the same TMZ insider.

Let's be honest: The TMZ leaker is the only hero of this piece. The attack on Rihanna was horrific. But knowing the price of the leaked photo? In an age where everyone is demanding more and more transparency, the fact that we have arrived at a market price on Rihanna's tragic injuries tells us more than we may want to know about ourselves.

(Photoillustration via TheMediaBuffet.com)

So does the British lothario give better text than his American counterparts? The NY Daily News has the evidence:

After dancing up a sweat with one lovely lass at an NYC bar, the "Forgetting Sarah Marshall" star began a barrage of text messages. "I have excellent facilities for ablutions, should you ever tire of the sweating and such," he pinged. "I'd be happy to scrub your back - from a safe distance. Russell. X."

After the gal confessed she'd found a gray hair one day, Brand eased her worries: "We could meet early evening and bolster your rightly damaged ego with orgasms."

But our favorite line was, "Come and see me in the daytime. We could generate a satanic infant."

Certainly, Brand displays a certain wit and depth of vocabulary that often eludes the typical American male's sexy text ("U BONE TONITE?"). But Helen, really: some things ought to remain private.

• Actor, comedian Russell Brand shows humor in pickup scene, too [NY Daily News]

• "Tucker truly is an asshole. i have been in the movie business for many years and worked with a lot of super-assholes, and aside from a few (fuck Scott Rudin) Tuckers the worst." Why? Our tipster says Tucker is lazy, appearing on the set only about half the time. Which, he clarifies, is not unusual for producers, except Tucker is "not really a producer he's just a
  tool."
• "Tucker baby talks his dog. not kidding at all, he uses a baby talk voice when talking to it even in front of other people. wtf?"
• Although Tucker would be expected to hit on all the women on set, per his books, he is in fact "standoffish" towards them most of time, supposedly.
• Most of the actors, and the movie's director, and most of the crew is very friendly, our tipster says. Tucker is the lone problem child. He also says that the movie will be much funnier than the script made it sound—we'll have to reserve judgment on that point. Tucker reportedly considered directing the film himself; "whoever convinced him not to do that should get his money for this."
• Tucker "got into an argument a few weeks ago with one of the teamsters who run basecamp, and hit the roof on the guy and tried to fire him. guess what dipshit, you can't fire teamsters w/o cause. tucker had to eat crow on that one, it was funny."
• At the movie's wrap party, "the crew gave him a personalized straight jacket, which should tell you what they think of him. they tried to make it out as a joke, but it wasn't it was what they thought."

Here are the gifts that the crew got at the wrap party. Our tipster writes, "a shirt and beer glass. real classy Tucker."

That was a very early test with the sole purpose of just getting some footage to Ben our vfx (visual effects) supervisor to see if our vfx plan for the faces would work. The clip doesn't look or feel anything like the movie, the Wild Thing suit is a very early cringy prototype, and the boy is a friend of ours Griffin who we had used in a Yeah Yeah Yeahs video we shot a few weeks before. We love him, but he is not in the actually film...Oh and that is not a wolf suit, its a lamb suit we bought on the internet. Talk to you later..."

Despite his assurances and excuses, he has bigger fish to fry than bloggers and their readers; Slashfilm is also reporting that Things test screenings are scaring the kiddies! After hearing feedback from their target audience, the "extremely unhappy" execs at Warner Brothers are reportedly pushing the film's release date to 2009. What could be so scary that kids are crying and begging their parents to go home mid-film? Said one tester, "The things are not cute. Max comes off a bit weird and off-putting. He slaps his mom! And he seems confused and not charming at all." Stranger still, IMDB has an actor named Max Records listed for the role, which may explain all the tears. Apparently Records once "led a protest for vegetarian options at his school cafeteria" at 8 years old. Now that is scary.

[Photo Credit: SlashFilm]

• SPIKE JONZE RESPONDS TO 'WHERE THE WILD THINGS ARE' VIDEO CLIP [SlashFilm]

The leaked footage above, featuring a quiet moment between the fearsome Max and Wild Thing Carol —rumored to be voiced in the movie by James Gandolfini—was the source of much dispute over the weekend. A few frantic dispatches placed by Warner Bros. to various blogspots, however, has led to the consensus that the scene, bathed in golden hour and possessing a near pitch-perfect tone (try imagining the sub-in actors' voices replaced with the sound of Tony Soprano talking to a nine-year-old AJ at a Yankee's game) is, in fact, a screen test. If we start now, we should be able to produce our own offspring in time to accompany us to its opening weekend, at some point in 2009.

• Where the Wild Things Are [IMDB]
• Wild Things Clip [thebadandugly.com]

Subject: [THING 2] To everyone at Showtime - I am writing this letter to let everyone know what really happened to our good friend [THING 1], who worked at our company for over 13 years.

[THING 1] did not resign - she was blindsided by Mr. Untouchable, [THING 2], and the "powers that be" at our wonderful company Showtime.

About a month ago [THING 1] was asked to go out to dinner by [THING 3] and [THING 2] for [THING 3]'s birthday party. The attendees were [THING 3] , his parents, his sister, [THING 1], her husband, and [THING 2], and his wife.

At the end of the dinner [THING 2] told [THING 1] to pay for the dinner on her Showtime American Express card. [THING 2] being [THING 1]'s boss, she didn't hesitate and paid the bill. After all he was the one who approved her expenses.

About 2 weeks later [THING 1] was called down to HR to talk about this particular incident. [THING 1] responded with nothing but the truth. Implicating herself in the process. Yes she lied on her expense report, however [THING 2] told her to do so.

This is where it gets good. After her conversation with HR [THING 3] called [THING 1] in a panic, asking her what they had asked and what he should expect when he was called down to HR. While on the phone with [THING 1], [THING 2] stormed into [THING 3]'s office (also in a panic) and told [THING 3] to outright lie, and say that [THING 2] was there for only one drink and then left. And to then tell HR that [THING 1] volunteered to pay for the dinner. Removing [THING 2] from the dinner and therefore out of harms way. [THING 3] at first was reluctant, but [THING 2] said, "I need you to protect me so I can protect you and [THING 1]" almost verbatim.

[THING 2] left the room and [THING 1], still on the phone and hearing all of this told [THING 3] to do what is right and tell the truth.
Spineless [THING 3] in turn went down to HR and did exactly what [THING 2] wanted him to do. He lied. After the meeting with HR [THING 3] slithered his way up to [THING 1]'s office crying and profusely apologized. "I can't believe I did that to you." He wept.

The very next day (after a sleepless night I would imagine) [THING 3] stormed down to HR and did the right thing. He told them he had lied and that [THING 2] not only was at the dinner the whole
night, not only told [THING 1] to pay for the bill, but he also told him to lie to HR not more than 12 hours ago.

After all this, Showtime not only fires a woman who has dedicated years of her life to this disgusting company, but they let [THING 2] off without so much as a slap on the wrist. They should all be ashamed of themselves. Disgusting.

The funniest thing about [THING 2] is that he really thinks we all genuinely like him. The fact of the matter is we ALL secretly despise him, but because we all fear him so much we would never say it to his face. And by the way [THING 2], everyone talks about you behind your back. How does that feel? This is just another reason for all of us to fear him. If he can walk away from this and the other countless things he's done to previous employees, we should all beware. Who's next on [THING 2]'s list? This is a disgusting excuse for a human being, who has made more enemies at every job he's ever worked, accepts absolutely no culpability, and still he moves up the ladder. Crazy, the innocent get flushed down the toilet and the ruthless assholes move forward.

This is not entirely [THING 2] fault. Showtime is hugely to blame here. How many people have to suffer, for Showtime to actually get off their asses and do something about a guy who has a file on him thicker than Webster's dictionary. He's a lawsuit waiting to happen, and I know many people who can't wait for that day.

We all know [THING 1] and how she conducted herself here at Showtime for 13 plus years and how classy of a lady she is. She has been nothing but a friend to all of us (even to [THING 2], blech), and it is just so sad that a woman like that gets the shaft.

I for one would like to say that [THING 1] being fired for this Asshole shows what kind of people we work for. She did nothing wrong, except listened to [THING 2].

[THING 1] you should know, you're so much better than them. Sleep well at night knowing that. Thank every day you are not part of this disgusting company any longer. Enjoy your life. You have a beautiful
new baby, a great husband, and real friends who you know you can count on. I love you and will miss you very much.

I thought everyone had a right to know the truth.

Anonymous

Several people correctly pointed out that one of Ephron's sons, Jacob Bernstein (from a previous marriage to Watergate reporter Carl Bernstein), is known for having supposedly leaked the identity of Watergate source "Deep Throat" while a nine-year-old at summer camp. Ergo, he's got a leaky history. Plus, he's also said to be great friends with Page Six's Paula Froelich. Other contestants preferred Georgette Mosbacher, redheaded Republican CEO of beauty corp Borghese, as the likely leak — she's besties with Page Six editor Richard Johnson. Barbara Walters explicitly denied being the leaker yesterday on The View, which could just be her way of throwing us off the trail. And just for kicks, one commenter pointed the finger at art dealers Serge and Tatiana Sorokko, presumably because they'd be aghast at Wynn's brutal treatment of his Picasso. Four suspects seems plenty, don't you think? So pick your perp.

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Earlier: Who Leaked Steve Wynn's Picasso Attack?