Letterman's tabloid-ready confessions comes after he spent the afternoon testifying before a grand jury, a first for the long-time Late Show host:

This morning, I did something I've never done in my life. I had to go downtown and testify before a grand jury.

So, what went down? Well, it all started when an unidentified man sent Letterman a package 3 weeks ago that reportedly proved the talk show host has been carrying on with female staffers, though the number's also unknown. The man said he would keep his trap shut if Letterman sent him a check for $2 million. Not one to take extortion lying down, Letterman went to the authorities, who had him mail a fake check and then they caught the bad guy. Score one for celebrity justice.

All of this will definitely put a strain on Letterman's relationship with his wife, Regina Lasko, whom he dated for 23 years before marrying last March.

We'll get you lovelies some video as soon as it's available.

Update: Here's video and some extraneous commentary!

Last night on the Late Show, Piven said "20 years of eating only fish" also lead to Epstein-Barr, heart arrhythmia, and back spasms. It's amazing this man gets around without a Rascal. Mercury poisoning does cause high blood pressure and elevated heart rate, but usually not arrhthmia or spasms. It also causes itching and pain, skin discoloration, swelling, hair loss, and skin peeling off in layers. Don't you think any stories involving these would be much more colorful? And how did it lead to him contracting a virus like Epstein-Barr? Maybe that was something he caught at, we don't know, a party or something?

Piven also says that he got the best tests in the world at Quest Diagnostics, which can be found on just about any street corner in Manhattan. Earlier this year the company acknowledged it may have given thousands of people false results on Vitamin D tests. Piven also again name checked his fishy celebrity doctor Carlon Colker.

He's sticking by his story why he couldn't continue doing eight shows a week of Speed the Plow, and a arbitrator recently cleared him of any wrong-doing in leaving the Broadway show two months early. Because every celebrity becomes a crusader for the disease he suffers from, Piven is now fighting the injustice of fetid fish across the globe.

Dave was very sympathetic to his condition, and the interview couldn't be classified as anything but softball. Piven even got in a few good laughs. We're not only impressed that he's kept up his story for so long, but now it's even compounding itself. Give it a year, and his sushi habit will have lead to acute zombieism, where he marched around with his arms extended trying to satisfy an unquenchable hunger for brains.

When Prejean's name came up in the Late Show interview, Trump offered his admirable but weak defense of her for being a dolt, prompting Letterman to jump in with an "anybody who wants to get married ought to be able to get married" comment. The studio audience then went nuts while Trump sat silent, all alone in the world for a few seconds with only a banana-yellow tie and a big, garish head as his friends.

Near the end of the segment, Trump spit out a bunch of names of judges he has lined up for the pageant, and he mentioned Andre Leon Talley as being one of them. Neither Dave not the audience seemed to know who the hell Andre Leon Talley was, which was oddly refreshing.

DeVito claimed that his slobbering interview with a Philadelphia newswoman on a morning show was all an act, that he was "in character" playing the pathetic slob her portrays on It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia. Whatever, whether he was really drunk or not, we still want to go out and drink limoncellos all night long with Danny DeVito.

Many believe MacDonald was fired from Saturday Night Live's Weekend Update for constantly making jokes premised on his conclusion that OJ Simpson was guilty of the murders he had been cleared of at his initial trial. (Imagine that. Wacky!) Simpson was friends with an NBC entertainment executive.

When MacDonald returned to NBC for an appearance on one of Conan O'Brien's last Late Night episodes in February, he was scarcely more sparing, impersonating Jay Leno and saying the outgoing Tonight Show host, in moving to a 10 p.m. slot, had "outfoxed... red-headed-rube" O'Brien for prime placement in night-time variety shows. Then he dropped an f-bomb for good measure. (See video here.)

MacDonald stayed true to form on Late Show tonight, starting with a risque reference to euthanasia before making a clearly-out-of-bounds joke involving hard-core narcotics. To his credit, Letterman clearly enjoyed MacDonald's rule-breaking far more than O'Brien, even as he rushed to cover up the narcotics reference with something more palatable.

Then, as always, MacDonald dropped another f-bomb or three, for good measure.

Hopefully someone on cable will give MacDonald a show, because otherwise it may be quite a while before he's on the network airwaves again.

Sure, Lively was joking about a polygamist marriage between her, Letterman, and Julia Roberts, but the electricity between the Gossip Girl star and Letterman as strong and real as that time one year ago when Lively said Letterman was in the same league as Leonardo DiCaprio, and he kissed her hand.

The on-air flirtation this time didn't quite reach Letterman-Drew Barrymore levels, but between the thigh groping, chin touching and hair twirling, Letterman was primed to laugh at Lively's dog story like it was told by Robin Williams.

Lively made sure Letterman knew she was free — some sort of vacation — in a week. One week. Seven days.

Or about how long Letterman has been married, and how long he'll be taking cold showers for.

The rest of the week has some more dependably upbeat bets, including Fallon's former Weekend Update co-anchor Tina Fey and Fever Pitch co-star and producer-in-law, Drew Barrymore. Barrymore is something of a Late Night early-guest good luck charm, having appeared on Conan's very first episode, and that got us thinking about some other legendary First Guests.

Bill Murray on Late Night with David Letterman, 1982. Perhaps the greatest First Guest of all time, Murray kicked off both of Dave Letterman's longtime late night ventures. On the very first Late Night, accompanied by a musical ode to his SNL lounge singer, a mostly incoherent and playfully argumentative Murray suggests the host looks "sedated," before the two segue into a gripping conversation about playing with lint, a longer diatribe about Dave selling out (we think?), and ending on a pledge to make Letterman's life a living hell. Score: 2 1/2 Joaquins out of a possible five, and lots of fun!

Billy Crystal on The Tonight Show with Jay Leno, 1992. An unbelievably prescient Crystal opens with, "I saw Ed McMahon on the corner with a sign that says, 'Will announce for food.'"

Bill Murray on Late Show with David Letterman, 1993. Letterman then invited Murray back to kick off things at his new home on CBS. Murray's shtick is a lot more thought out this time around—he arrives jogging and breathless, explaining "I went to the other place." We then cut to some video of Murray in a hardhat among the crew of construction guys who refurbished the Ed Sullivan Theater. His big finish, which isn't in the video, involved spraypainting Dave's name on his brand new desk. Somehow, it came off as funny, not just pointless and mean-spirited, like the Kevin Spacey Jamba Juice-dumping fiasco.

Goldie Hawn on The Chevy Chase Show, 1993. Widely considered to be one of the most disastrous late show guest appearances—much less First Guest appearances—of all time was when Goldie Hawn kicked things off on The Chevy Chase Show. In rolled-up Daisy Dukes, she talks for what like seems an eternity on the magic of child-rearing, then presents her son with a birthday cake and everyone sings "Happy Birthday to You." Chevy drops the cake, they dance to "La Bamba," a stage manager brings out the real birthday cake, the show cuts to commercial, and you watch in horrified amazement.

Will Ferrell on The Megan Mullally Show, 2006. Want to know how we know Will Ferrell is a good guy? He'll agree to be the first guest on your new talk show, even though it's on in the afternoon, and you're Megan Mullally. You want to know how we know he's a great guy? He does it in American Apparel briefs, and brings a dozen long-stemmed roses. And a taped X keeping his mic on his chest. Couldn't save the show, but it's the thought that counts.

• De Niro, Morrison first guests for Fallon's show [Yahoo]

Again, celebrities: Dave doesn't want to rip you to shreds on national television, but if you're not going to help him fill the 10 minutes or whatever, he has no choice.

This particular trainwreck was predictable. The movie star has been generating embarrassing tabloid headlines for weeks with his slurry rap performances, to the point where some of his associates started insisting the whole thing was a joke. Phoenix then had to assure everyone he was serious.

Phoenix also announced that Two Lovers, the film he was sent on Letterman to promote, would be his last, since acting now bores him. So even if he hadn't been behaving erratically, Phoenix was not likely to have brought much enthusiasm to Late Show tonight.

Phoenix certainly knows how to turn on the late-night charm when he wants to; here he is on Letterman on 2005, sounding coherent and humorous (and wearing the same suit!) while promoting Walk the Line:

This time around, Phoenix has either come unhinged again, or wants the world to think he has. It's possible he's engaging in some performance art for the documentary his brother-in-law is making about him. But on Letterman, at least, where Phoenix grew increasingly hostile toward the host and crowd, the celebrity doesn't appear to be doing that sort of cool-headed calculation and planning.

At the end of the interview, Letterman says he owes an apology to Farrah Fawcett. Fawcett was considered his all time most disastrous guest — until now at least. Here's her 1997 appearance:

Best moments from tonight's show are above; the full CBS highlights reel is below:

...or issuing caveat emptors to recent blank-eyed-bride-purchaser Spencer Pratt ("It's all fine and dandy until they start developing a self-sustaining operating system. Just watch A.I., Spence, then read the third chapter of Hubbard's Wifeanetics. You'll thank me later.")

But none of these compared to his appearance on Late Show last night, in which he partook of perhaps the most sacrosanct of self-effacing pop culture rituals: the Reading of the Top Ten List. Making sure to set his spiraling pupils to "solid," Tom looked relaxed and in good spirits as he bravely dove into OT-eating-blogger-infested waters, with "The Craziest Things People Say About Tom Cruise on the Internet."

The biggest laughs came from the two observations that hewed closest to the truth : "4. I believe all emotional and psychological disorders can be cured with Vicks Vaporub," and "3. I'm a power-mad egomaniac who's completely insulated from reality. Oh, wait, no that's Letterman." The stinging self-satire may have helped ease him back into potential Valkyrie-goers' good graces, but we can only imagine the disapproving glare awaiting him from David Miscavige, who'd sentence him to "eleven hours of sweating out his pathetic, 'Love me, America!'-thetans in the Celebrity Centre Dungeon Sauna. That's right: the one without the flatscreen!" [Late Show]

Several CBS News executives - who asked not to be identified - said that the stunt did not go down well within the news division.

"If we had done something like that to him, someone around here would end up getting fired," one said.

News officials found out Letterman was using the internal feed shortly after it showed up on an internal CBS feed carrying the "Late Show" taping.

"They were pretty aggravated," a CBS News source told The Post.

"But they were not about to start a fight with Letterman," the source said. "We're in the middle of a heavy, heavy news cycle and Letterman is Letterman.

"He does whatever he wants and always has."

At least McCain's team will always have the hospitable Tonight Show with Jay Leno as a safe haven — though only until next year! New host Conan O'Brien may seem inoffensive enough, but we hear that NBC already has their censor button ready...

• MAD ABOUT LETTERMAN [NY Post]

The YouTube is nine minutes long, so here are the relevant parts:

:01 - 3:27: Letterman takes fairly tame shots at McCain mixed with genuine praise for the man's heroism.

3:27 - 6:34: Dave starts getting testy!

6:35 - 9:11: Fill-in guest Keith Olbermann (haha, amazing choice) is interrupted when Letterman finds out about McCain's Couric interview, conducted at that very moment down the street. Letterman then plays live footage of McCain getting powdered by a makeup assistant before Couric goes on the air.

Should this leak be taken down, we'll be back with our own clips tomorrow. Enjoy!

Dave even cut over to the live video of the interview, and said, "Hey Senator, can I give you a ride home?"

Earlier in the show, Dave kept saying, "You don't suspend your campaign. This doesn't smell right. This isn't the way a tested hero behaves." And he joked: "I think someone's putting something in his metamucil."

"He can't run the campaign because the economy is cratering? Fine, put in your second string quarterback, Sarah Palin. Where is she?"

"What are you going to do if you're elected and things get tough? Suspend being president? We've got a guy like that now!"

Senator McCain, you can tweak Barack Obama all you want, but nobody messes with Dave. A man exempt from "527 group" special interest laws, the Late Show host has a big microphone, and he's not afraid to flick a candidate into the background skyline like a note card gone wrong.

• 
  EXCLUSIVE: LETTERMAN MOCKS MCCAIN CANCELLATION [Drudge Report]

"Unless I'm misunderstanding something, I don't know why, after the job Jay has done for them, why they would relinquish that," Letterman said, adding, "I have to believe he was not happy about it."

Letterman speculated whether "that's actually what's going to happen," while acknowledging NBC might be too far down the road to retreat. [...]

Letterman, who called O'Brien "a very funny guy," was asked about facing him as the new "Tonight" host. A cautious Letterman said he couldn't predict the outcome.

"It will be weird to see Conan at 11:30, don't you think? Which is not to say he can't succeed, but, no, I don't know what the competition will be like. I hope we're able to do OK."

The late night landscape is hardly recognizable from the one Letterman originally landed his comedy spaceship upon back in the early '80s, lowering its pod doors to release fantastical alien life forms like Larry "Bud" Melman upon America's unwitting insomniacs. Today's audiences have since grown utterly inured to the sight of Conan's masturbating bears and copulating manatees. Pitting these veterans against one another might therefore inspire a competitive Letterman to reach even deeper into his bag of absurdist-stunt-comedy tricks—perhaps with a heavily hyped round of "Will the Former V.P. Candidate In A Bikini Float?" Time will tell.

• Letterman wants to go out on his own terms [CNN/AP]
• Dave at Peace [Rolling Stone]

• Late Show

• Late Show

• The Late Show With David Letterman [CBS]