The biggest lesson is that there isn't much out there that is as great as Mad Men. It's going to be a long wait until the show returns next summer, but until then, maybe we can all keep ourselves warm with one of these substitues, but it's doubtful.

The Prisoner
Similarities to Mad Men: Mining '60s culture for a modern day story.
Differences from Mad Men: This remake seems to be scared of its heritage, avoiding the pseudo-psychedelic, swinging London vibe of the original.
Reasons to Watch: AMC thinks it's a worthy replacement to Mad Men, placing The Prisoner in Mad Men's time slot cage for its six-episode run. Ian McKellen is pretty awesome in everything, espeically when he plays the villain.
Reasons to Avoid: We were underwhelmed with the first installment, and it's only six episodes long. That will barely get us through the first month of MM withdrawl.
Replacement Analogy: The Prisoner is to a Rolling Stones cover band as Mad Men is to Mick Jagger live in concert.

Dexter
Similarities to Mad Men: An intelligent drama with a dark mood and characters with questionable morality that every so often has some grisly blood spray.
Differences from Mad Men: Showtime's serial killer drama doesn't have the subtlety that we get from Draper and company.
Reasons to Watch: It is an interesting and suspenseful take with a very distinct point of view. This season John Lithgow is doing a knock-out job playing the calm but crazy Trinity Killer.
Reasons to Avoid: There's lots of back story to catch up on, and if you don't like blood, guts, and murders, you're better off cracking open a book.
Replacement Analogy: Dexter is to a bludgeoning as Mad Men is to a slow death by poison.

Brothers and Sisters
Similarities to Mad Men: Lots of family drama and intrigue in the work place.
Differences from Mad Men: Ojai Foods is a far cry from Sterling Cooper, and Betty Draper couldn't care less about her kids where as meddlesome Nora Walker can't go 10 minutes without calling them on the phone.
Reasons to Watch: ABC's ensemble drama has a look inside some fun and wacky family dynamics. Also, Nora has a hot new boyfriend.
Reasons to Avoid: This season has the two story lines that make all TV shows boring: cancer and pregnancy. Every episode is kind of the same: there's a secret, the family has a dinner party, the secret comes out at the party, everyone fights, then they make up. Yawn.
Replacement Analogy: Brothers and Sisters is to a family funeral as Mad Men is to an Irish wake.

Curb Your Enthusiasm
Similarities to Mad Men: A wealthy, creative, annoying man driving everyone crazy.
Differences from Mad Men: Larry David only dreams he could be as handsome as Don Draper, and when Mad Men makes you cringe, it's from finely crafted emotional storytelling, not wacky embarrassing stunts.
Reasons to Watch: Haven't you heard, there's a Seinfeld Reunion and it's only on HBO.
Reasons to Avoid: Larry David.
Replacement Analogy: Curb Your Enthusiasm is to Bruno as Mad Men is to Borat.

Family Guy
Similarities to Mad Men: Um...
Differences from Mad Men: This ubiquitous, animated Fox comedy that is a string of non sequiturs, absurdest rants, and silly ditties is about as far away from the '60s advertising drama as you're going to get.
Reasons to Watch: In case you need to have a conversation with a straight boy between the ages of 16 and 28.
Reasons to Avoid: It's Family Guy.
Replacement Analogy: Family Guy is to beer bongs as Mad Men is to scotch.

60 Minutes
Similarities to Mad Men: CBS' news magazine also features bunch of people who have been working since the early '60s.
Differences from Mad Men: The people are old now (and don't dress as sharply) and think they still know what goes on in the world.
Reasons to Watch: Inappropriate crushes on Leslie Stahl and nostalgia for the ticking watch.
Reasons to Avoid: Andy Rooney.
Replacement Analogy: 60 Minutes is to Parade as Mad Men is to vintage Esquire.

Going to the Movies
Similarities to Mad Men: Decadent and at times either serious or comedic, depending on the mood.
Differences from Mad Men: It's the movies, not TV, so every time it's different. This week we went to see Fantastic Mr. Fox, which was smooth, sylish, and visually interesting, like Mad Men, but its overwrought hipster vibe couldn't be different from the show's cool detachment.
Reasons to Watch: Going to the movies every week will keep you culturally relevant. If you catch the late show on Sunday night when MM is usually on, the cineplex is also less crowded than the rest of the weekend
Reasons to Avoid: Leaving the house on Sunday night, $12.50 a pop, and the empty calories from all that pop corn.
Replacement Analogy: Going to the movies is to Twizzlers as Mad Men is to Betty's meatloaf.

Mad Men on DVD
Similarities to Mad Men: Well, it's Mad Men, just all the ones you've seen already.
Differences from Mad Men: No commercials, watch as many as you want whenever you want, bonus material.
Reasons to Watch: With a show as difficult as this, you can't catch everything the first time around, so a rewatch is definitely rewarding. Knowing what happens in season three puts everything in seasons one and two in a different context.
Reasons to Avoid: There are no surprises.
Replacement Analogy: Mad Men on DVD is to your wedding day as Mad Men on TV is to your first date with your future spouse.

Let's just examine the layers of this thing:

• Curb Your Enthusiasm is a fictional show about Larry David. In it Larry David plays Larry David, the co-creator of Seinfeld.
• On Curb Your Enthusiasm, Larry David the character divorces his fake wife Cheryl in a parallel to the real life Larry David divorcing his real wife Laurie.
• In order to win back his fake wife, the fake Larry decides to try to have a Seinfeld reunion show.
• Jerry Seinfeld, playing a version of Jerry Seinfeld on Curb, tells the fake Larry David that he said he would never do a reunion because they're always stupid. The real Larry David said the same thing.
• Both the real and the fake Larry David got over it.
• Now, the fake Larry David goes to all the Seinfeld stars, playing fake versions of themselves, trying to convince them to do a fake Seinfeld reunion when they've already agreed to do a real reunion by appearing on the show.
• Faux Jason Alexander wants to be on the fake reunion show to make up for the really disappointing real finale to the original series.
• Ersatz Michael Richards is distracted by pictures of real boobs and he can't concentrate on the fake reunion. It's just like real life!
• What we see is the making of the reunion and all the petty grudges that David stirs up when he brings the old gang back together again.
• The end result is a bunch of fake action surrounding the fake reunion show, but it is really the real reunion, because they're all back.
• But Larry David was never on Seinfeld (at least in a substantial role) and they're making the reunion for NBC even though the show is airing on HBO.
• The whole stunt will end as the characters disappear in a vacuum rift caused by the fission of real and fake in mass quantities that is the Seinfeld reunion on Curb Your Enthusiasm.

So, Seinfeld on Curb Your Enthusiasm has replace the old meta king—Broadway's [title of show] a "musical about two guys making a musical about two guys making a musical"—to become the ultimate in fake/real self-referential comedy. The construct of one show about the maker of a show engulfing both the real and fake versions of his own show is the logical conclusion of this type of comedy, and the Seinfeld/Curb non-reunion reunion is the non plus ultra of the genre. Thanks for killing it, David.

After this, there is officially no more outrageous concoctions of show-with-a-show or actors-playing-themselves that can be made and think it's still original. Congrats, Curb, you've won the Post-Post-Modern Olympics. Now, like Michael Phelps, you must go smoke a lot of pot while counting your gold metals and leave us alone.

Box office battle of the peens this weekend! Who will win? Judd Apatow's self-effacing, sarcastic but ultimately tender peen? Or the magical, wonderful, man-craving peens of the wizarding world?! The wiz-kids up the ante by projecting their weens in IMAX this weekend! [HWT ]

Nope, Universal's not nervous at all about Judd Apatow's Funny People opening. Not one bit. They just signed a three picture deal with Hollywood's most prolific comedy producer. Unreported is whether the new deal calls for all three titles contain the words "Dick Jokes." [THR]

Have you been itching to watch a group of beloved Hebrew sitcom stars who's discussions center around the baffling ordinary exchanges of life but you believe that reunion show would be too 'low end'? Good news! It has been announced that Jerry Seinfeld, Julia Louis Dreyfus and Jason Alexander will all appear on the new season of Larry David's Curb your Enthusiasm.[THR]

Leave it to Vanity Fair to dole out karmic justice in this world! The magazine is set to have an expose of the ugly in-fighting surrounding embattled production Moneyball. The Brad Pitt project has gained a notorious reputation after squeezing out its writer/director Steve Soderbergh. The rumor is that the piece will be as so many things in this world should be: Pro-Soderbergh. [Hollywood Elsewhere]

Mom populated book clubs rejoice! Billy Crudup, the guy attached to the giant, floating, bluberry toned wang in Watchmen, will join Julia Roberts in the movie adaption of 'Eat, Pray. Love' [Variety]

We don't know about you but it has been exhausting to sit through movies that don't have the basic element of 'franchise' or some kind of 'origin' story. So we're pleased that Ridley Scott has the courage to come along and do a prequel for Aliens! Wait there's more! Disney just bought the domain name Monsters Inc. 2! Haha, in your face, Originality! [ Variety ]

After years of research t box office scientists have concluded that the ingredients to a blow out success are : robots, mammoths, and Meryl Streep [THR]

Life, the movie director says, is "a tough scuffle," and "a tragic situation." You do what you can. Which, in Allen's case, right now, means promoting his film Whatever Works, starring a fellow neurotic New York Jewish comic, Larry David. And maybe blowing off a little steam about all the hubub about marrying his former step-daughter Soon-Yi Previn.

As long as you’re not hurting anybody … or doing anything that’s causing any mischief or hurting anyone or anything awful, that whatever works to get through your life is fine. All the nonsense about what one should be doing and shouldn’t be doing and what’s quote unquote appropriate according to what I call the appropriate police—it’s nonsense.

Working through these feelings in his film does not (surprise!) seem to have lifted the notorious pessimist's dark outlook on life. "We all still remain in this dreadfully tragic predicament," he told the Observer's Sara Vilkomerson. "And a tragic life."

But don't try to cheer Allen up. He'll assume you're lying. Like those people at his film openings.

I go to the party afterwards and go back into phony social mode where people are exchanging enormous insincerities. They’ve hated the film but they’re saying, ‘Gee, great film. Great film.’

Then again, Allen never re-watches his own movies. Life is much more bleak that way.

boomp3.com

While on the set of Labor Pains, Cheryl Hines wanted the paparazzi to know that there are other people in the movie besides Lindsay Lohan. Hines thought it would be nice if the photographers could expand their photographic horizons and take pictures of other people on set, too. Hines explained that she understands that Lohan is bit of a financial rainmaker for people, but she felt it would be nice if they took her photo from time to time. Hines enjoys having proof to show friends and family that she's working on a fairly regular basis.

[Photo Credit: Flynet]

*A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

Though Anna Faris did an excellent job not-so-subtly impersonating a Cameron Diaz-esque actress in Sofia Coppola's Lost In Translation, we vastly prefer Ullman's bolder take. Starting out by burping repeatedly, loudly, and proudly, "Diaz" explains (as she has in nearly every single magazine profile she's ever done) that she "just does that." It's cool, okay? As for how she became interested in this cause, it seems that while jet-setting with Bono aboard Larry David's plane, Bono proceeded to spread her legs and mime the act itself. Which "Diaz" happily re-enacts by pointing directly to the area in question. But our favorite moment by far occurs during the "clip" shown during the faux interview, in which Diaz extracts an overjoyed African girl mid-operation, turns towards the evildoers, and simultaneously pumps her gun while letting out one of her trademark "just one of the guys" farts. Though to her credit, pushing one's toned buttocks upwards while relieving oneself does seem to make the act slightly more ladylike. Ullman, we bow down to you once again, and promise to never stop incessantly recommending your show (Tracey Ullman's State Of The Union! On Showtime!) If you don't watch this show, we'll kill this...well, we'll just be sad.

• TRACEY ULLMAN'S STATE OF THE UNION [Showtime]

In today's episode: Jessica Alba and Cash Warren; Larry David; Seth Rogen; Dave Annable, Matthew Rhys, and Emily VanCamp; Larry Birkhead; Laurence Fishburne; Peter Krause and Bob Odenkirk; Tony Hale; Jamie Lee Curtis; David Hasselhoff and Spoon; Connie Britton; John Landis; Cindy Crawford; Sharon Lawrence; and Janice Dickinson.

· I just ran into Jessica Alba and Cash Warren at the Ralphs on Doheny and Beverly Blvd, about 10:30pm Tuesday Dec. 5th. Cash was pushing the grocery cart and seemed to be doing all the shopping, while Jessica was wandering up another aisle by herself. She wasn't looking at anything on the shelves, just wandering, which I thought was odd. Also, there was a beautiful white Bentley GT in the parking lot. I'm assuming it was hers.

· Larry David having drinks last night (12/6) at Wilshire in SM with a smoking hot young blonde. Seriously, she was like late 20s, all done up and starlet-y. Not a daughter/relative/assistant b/c he was sitting on a bar stool and she was cozying up to him. And she kept smiling all lovey-dovey. Not a first date, but it looked like it was new. Nice work, LD!

· 11/30 - Went to Boulevard 3 to see Ringside play a late night show (almost too late for this old lady) and of course saw Balthazar Getty (he's in the band) but also spied his t.v. brothers Dave Annable and Matthew Rhys) who both looked so cute in person. I was told that the girl sucking face with Annable was his illegitimate t.v. sister (Emily VanCamp)- ew. But I don't watch the show much, so I can't say for sure. The band was solid, sounded better than I remember— LUV that song 'Tired of Being Sorry'!

12/02 - Was waiting in line at Milk on Beverly Blvd and Seth Rogen walked in behind me with a petite, down-to-earth looking brunette. I approve of the coupling (if that's the case). Not sure what they got, but I do know he drove off in a brand new shiny black Lexus sedan.

Really old, sorry: 11/19 - Daughtry show at the Orpheum. I was NOT there to see Daughtry (although those fans make for some good people watching). No, I was there to see cuties The Midway State— talk about an odd pairing of bands! Anywho, during the break between TMS and Daughtry, I spied much shorter than expected and just as thin as assumed, ANS baby daddy, Larry Birkhead. Now, I don't think the man is attractive, but in pictures he has that saccharine cuteness thing going. Not so in person. He was just sorta there.

· Dec 3 - WEIRD! I'm at the back bar [next to the kitchen] at the Abbey, and who's standing to my left? Laurence Fishburne. Wearing a black leather jacket, and with a white male friend around his age. Make your own speculations about this one!

· 12/5 Saw Bob Odenkirk (he of the hilarious Mr. Show and the unfunny everything else, not the reliably unfunny /Steve/ Oedekerk) at the Koo Koo Roo on Larchmont and Beverly. He was all "WGA this," and "strike that" into his cel phone. When I drove away I nearly hit Peter Krause crossing Larchmont. Maybe he was too busy thinking about the Darling family blah blah fakety-fake (though this /was/ a real sighting).

· Tony "Buster Bluth" Hale and family in line to see Santa at the Grove: It was last night (12.6.07) at around 5:00. My son and I were in line a few people back from them. Very jovial fellow. Their nearly one year old, as expected, didn't care for being on Santa's knee.

· Dec 4- With all the Jamie Lee Curtis sightings earlier this week, I feel obliged to give you mine. I was at a Shepard Fairey preview before the opening and saw her talking loudly to her Robin Quivers-eque friend about a piece she would have bought if it wasn't already sold. Not bad for a cougar but kinda sending that 'militant lesbian' vibe....but in a good way. Excellent art show BTW.

· Dec 5- Spotted the band Spoon outside baggage claim at LAX. Later, David Hasselhoff wandering down Robertson. He looked bewildered and sorta wandered back and forth around the block. He was probably waiting for someone to recognize him.

· My total girl-crush Connie "Mrs. Coach" Britton - enjoying a late supper at Cafe des Artistes in Hollywood on Thursday night. It looked like a date as they were still deep in conversation as we left at 12:30 AM. If it was, dude has definitely outkicked his coverage. Happy Holidays!

· Dec 5 - Dammit, I just just saw 80s auteur John Landis at the Metropolitan Museum of Art gift store at the Century City mall. He and his wife came in to shop just as I was paying my bill. He looks pretty much the same since the "Making of Thriller" days, albeit a little greyer. I assume he was with his wife, who is pretty and classy in a mature/non-plastic surgery-laden way. I so wanted to tell him what a huge fan I was, but chickened out. I may just have to settle by watching my "American Werewolf in London" DVD.

· Dec 3 - Was on a little vaca down in San Diego this weekend and spotted Cindy Crawford hanging at the recently opened Sweetwater Saloon in the new Hard Rock hotel. I was way too shy to approach her on my own, but my wonderful girlfriend stepped in to make the introduction. Cindy, who is just as beautiful in person, was very gracious and sweet ... and I may never wash my hand again.

· Dec 6 - Last week saw Sharon Lawrence in the lobby of my office building; looking very content...and very doable...I always thought she was hot in a MILFy-like way...

· A couple of sightings from Wednesday's Spice Girls show: I wasn't anywhere near Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes, but I did spot Nick Verreos, who was right up by the runway and totally into the show, and Janice Dickinson, who had floor seats but seemed to be coming and going the whole time.

In today's episode: Tom Hanks and Larry David; Vince Vaughn; Diane Keaton; Robin Williams; Laurence Fishburne; Jason Bateman; Mike Tyson; Bill Paxton; Kevin Smith; Tommy Lee; Cuba Gooding Jr.; Eliza Dushku; Michael Des Barres; John "Johnny Rotten" Lydon; Sanjaya Malakar; Pauly Shore; Rick Rubin; Coley Laffoon; Doug Benson and Samantha Ronson.

· Was at Buffalo Club in Santa Monica on Tuesday, June 12 and saw Tom Hanks having lunch with none other than Larry David. They laughed a lot and generally seemed to be having fun. They drank water and Larry paid the bill. I hope they are planning something together.

· 6-16 Tom Hanks, polo shirt collar up, and his ? Two boys gist leaving Swingers in Santa Monica. Looks terrific. That's what Paul McCartney money will do for a guy.

· Vince Vaughn hanging out on the smoking patio at the Seven Grand downtown on Saturday Night (good strong drinks). He is very tall and currently non-bloaty. And surprisingly, not drawing attention to himself, aside from the black pimp shirt un-buttoned one too low.

· Saturday afternoon (6/16), Diane Keaton opted out of the "chilly bliss" and enjoyed the real stuff on the patio of Piccomolo Italian Ice Cream in Pacific Palisades. She was with two children and was sporting her usual Annie Hall garb (black bowler, black blazer, shirt buttoned up to her chin).

· June 17th: Went to see a friend perform at the Improv, when about half way through the show the host surprised the audience by introducing "the man of Mork and Mindy fame, Mr. Robin Williams." He did about a 45 minute set and was absolutely hilarious, the guy definetly has talent, as it seemed to be pretty much entirely improv. Amazing.

· I miss out on all the Coffee Bean sightings, because I don't normally drink coffee or tea.. but thankfully they brought back Lavender Mint and I was able to enter the Matrix! On my second run of the weekend (6-18) I saw Laurence Fishburne at the Wilshire & 9th Coffee Bean. He was dressed casually and drove off in a black G-wagon.

· Jason Bateman hit the Hollywood Farmers Market on Sunday (6/17) with his wife and very cute baby girl.

This is very out-of-date but I spaced on reporting it earlier, so if you still care: on June 7 while stuck in rush-hour traffic on the Sunset Strip, we spotted Mike Tyson - dressed to the nines in a very expensive-looking suit - sitting outside some tattoo parlor. A passer-by walked up excitedly and asked if he could snap a photo, which Mike agreed to while looking off into the distance quite forlornly. It made me kind of sad to see...

· About half an hour later (still crawling down Sunset) my spirits were
resurrected by watching a smiley Bill Paxton finishing up the press line at the Cinerama Dome for the season premiere screening of "Big Love". Whee!

· Saturday, June 16, 2007: Kevin Smith, aka Silent Bob, at AMC Century 15, in the 7 p.m. preview screening for "Ratatouille."

· Happy Fathers Day! Saw Tommy Lee at the Dugout Club at Dodger Stadium 6/17. He was wearing black baseball cap, grey t shirt and copious b.o. Sort of a combo of old cigarretes, old cigarettes and old cigarettes. Stanky! Ran into him a short time later in the men's' room (i swear i wasn't trying to get a glimpse of "li'l tommy). Dude exited the stall and did not wash his hands! Later still, saw enthusiastic fans taking pics and shaking hands with Tommy. They better get themselves checked for hepatitis c.

oh yeah. also saw Cuba Gooding Jr. Is he still making movies?

· 6/17: LA Dodgers v. Angels Tommy Lee in the dugout club, maybe there for fathers day, didn't see kids but you never know. Separately saw Eliza Dushku there as well looking hot with her dimples.

· 6/18: Mambos in Burbank, Murdoc from MacGyver (Michael Des Barres) looking appropriately crazy in tinted blue shades, bright red button down open to bellybutton and adidas warmup pants.

· 6/14- Johnny Lydon (Rotten) having lunch in Venice by Washington Pier. Talks really loud so people will turn and look at him.

· 6/15/07 - Sanjaya Malakar (I know, this is hardly newsworthy) at the Derek Trucks/Susan Tedeschi Soul Stew Revival concert at the Ford Ampitheatre.

· 6-19 Pauly Shore working out at Equinox on Sunset. I dont know what he's taking, but the man hasn't aged a day since 1994.

· Sunday June 17th- Went down to Newport this last weekend to celebrate father's day with my Kenny Rogers-looking dad (pre surgery but post Roasters chow down) and who goes tooling past me on PCH but uber music producer, label owner Rick Rubin in his Johnny Cash black Bentley. Of course Bentleys are a a dime a dozen in coastal OC but when someone looking like the 4th member of ZZ Top goes zipping by, he blends in about as much as Newport's favorite son, Dennis Rodman.

· Is Anne Heche's porn-and-poker-loving ex-husband (i.e. healthy American male) Coley Laffoon a celebrity? What if I sweetened the deal by adding recently won shared-custody prize Homer on his shoulders? Saw the two at the Farmer's Market Friday evening June 15 by 326 Bar at the Farmer's Market. Laffoon is tall, handsome, Homer is the blondest, cutest 5-year-old kid you ever saw, and the two seemed positively beaming with the kind of happiness you get after freshly shedding a Certified Organic Crazy Lady.

· Monday, 6/18, Around 1pm I'm not sure if he qualifies as a celebrity, but I see comedian Doug Benson of VH1's "Best Week Ever" getting chatted up by a diminutive bear at Gold's Gym Hollywood. The Thunderpuss Remix of something is blaring, so I can't hear what the bear is saying, but I'm pretty sure he's just a fan. I think.

· 6-18 I'm not sure it counts as a sighting... but I saw Samantha Ronson working out at my gym tonight. She looks greasy in person...

[Photo: Getty Images]