To pad out this foregone conclusion, first casualty Jeff Ross was invited back to roast the contestants, presenting the perfect opportunity to get in a few gay-themed jabs at Lance Bass. Because the gayest thing to come out of DWTS has to be Lance Bass—not the fuchsia breakaway sleeves, the Dr. Drew-elicited waterworks, or the soiled dance belt Ross had to peel out from between his ass cheeks following his humiliating first-week defeat. [Dancing with the Stars]

Life & Style
"Twilight Romance!" Lots of stuff about how Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart might OMG be having a secret relationship, because they had good chemistry on set and he tried to slip her the tongue in a kissing scene. But! She's had a boyfriend for 2 years, and this is fabricated story. Moving on: Pete Wentz texted a few friends on November 14th to say that Ashlee was in labor, but texted again the next day to say it was a false alarm. The baby's not ready yet! Holly Madison says that leaving Hugh Hefner has changed her look! She is wearing less makeup now that she is with Criss Angel. Who wears eyeliner, right? Whoa: Is this a picture of Barack Obama biting Michelle's ear (Fig. 1)??? Lastly, this week in Dr. Rey's Casebook, the good doctor believes that Heidi Klum, who is a flawless fucking supermodel, would be even sexier if only she had Michelle Williams's lips (Fig. 2) WTF.
Grade: D- (2 hour delay)

In Touch
"Jen, I'm Sorry." Sigh. Brad Pitt still feels bad about leaving Jen for Angelina. Jen is not mad at Brad, she just hates Angelina, "pure and simple." Not because Angie stole Brad, but because she won't shut up about it. A source close to Aniston says, "Just when she is in a good place, it seems as if Angelina has to throw some poison her way." The magazine also walks you through Jen's "Seven Stages Of Grief" over relationship in a helpful sidebar, as well as asking a "body language expert" to analyze her facial expressions from her appearance on Oprah (Fig. 3). Moving on: Valerie Bertinelli lost weight through grilled chicken and exercise, what a breakthrough. Kirstie Alley's gained all her weight back and "Oprah Want To Lose Weight For Obama." And Fergie gained weight for a film and she's up to a whopping 121 pounds, but she plans to lose the 13 lbs. she packed on. There's a story called "The Stress Is Getting To Madonna" with pictures of her arms and a line which reads, "The singer appears to be wasting away. Is she okay?" Next, Nicole Richie is planning her clothing line — her jewelry line, House of Harlow, is already in stores. There's an informative piece called "Drugs Ruin Your Looks," illustrated with two pictures of Amy Winehouse. Oh, and a whole bunch of druggy blind items (Fig. 4)! Since she was "dressed conservatively" on a beach in Mexico, and had her hand on her tummy a lot, and a source says so, Mariah Carey is two months pregnant. Oh, Ellen DeGeneres is hosting a show in Vegas called Ellen's Even Bigger Really Big Show: "I may be topless, which is potentially kind of exciting," she jokes. Lastly, an "At Home With Lance Bass" feature reveals that he has a purple satin bedspread and 'NSync bobbleheads (Fig. 5).
Grade: D (1 hour delay)

Us
"How Angelina Tortures Jen." Eight text-heavy detailed pages about the Aniston vs. Angelina feud. The magazine delves into the original betrayal, and uses metaphors like, "Aniston continues to pick at the scabs of her broken marriage" and "Jolie twists her dangerous knife." In insider says Anison is "as adept as Madonna at pushing the right buttons to stay in the spotlight." Plus, when Angelina was on the set of Mr. & Mrs. Smith, instead of wearing the flesh-colored underwear provided, she was naked in bed with Brad Pitt. Intern Margaret's fave part is when a source says: "Whenever the topic of Valley girls comes up in conversation, Angelina likes to tease Brad by saying, 'Brad, you used to like Valley girls, didn't you?'" Next: A photograph of Sarah Palin reclining by the pool at the Republican Governors Association Conference in Miami last week (Fig 6). Oh, and there are pictures of what Michelle Obama could wear to the inauguration (Fig. 7). Hmm, where have we seen that before? Lastly: There's an exclusive interview with Brandy, who, when she got knocked up in 2002, claimed she had secretly wed the baby's father the year before, which was a total lie.
Grade: C (half hour delay)

Star
"Furious Brad: Shut Up, Jen!" Jen told a friend, "I look forward to the day when I can get Angelina in a room and warn her that Brad is going to leave her, just the way he dumped me." Jen also reveals the reason she wouldn't have Brad's baby: He was cheating on her. The mag goes back to a 2003 Vanity Fair party, where Brad disappeared with a "very sexy party planner" and Courteney Cox had to send David Arquette to go find him. Also, when Jen and Brad were together, he liked to wake and bake — smoking pot all the time. Plus, he was "constantly" getting chemical peels and collagen injections. Wowza. Moving on: Guy Ritchie and Rachel McAdams have been flirting on the set of Sherlock Holmes. Crazytown! Four months after breaking up with Michael Bublé, Emily Blunt is dating John Krasinski! Tina Fey turned down an interview with 60 Minutes because she doesn't want to talk about politics anymore. But! She's still one of Barbara Walters's "10 Most Fascinating People." Dr. Phil can't stand curly hair, and makes the female staff come in with straightened hair. New hires are warned they'll have to flat-iron! Blind item! "Who is taking months to plan her wedding because she doesn't want to pay for it? The glamourous girl is calling in favors and trying to get freebies for her long-overdue big day." Mischa Barton is trying to find her way back into the spotlight with a line of high-end headbands. But! She is furious at Nicole Richie for including hair jewelry in her House of Harlow line. Rihanna and Chris Brown went to a lingerie store and Chris bought her $800 worth of unmentionables. Plus, they've coordinated their concert schedules and call each other "beauty" and "rebel." Which is which? L.A. photo agency X17 claims one of their photographers saw Britney's dad, a recovering alcoholic, down more than 6 large draft beers while sitting alone at a bar. His camp claims he was drinking O'Douls. Also: Jessica Simpson might be pregnant. A story called "The Hills: Running Out Of Lies" claims that MTV is "struggling" to come up with fake Hills storylines. LC and Heidi called a truce, and the producers are upset they missed it — they might recreate it. LC's hometown friend Jill Levin is always around, but the producers won't film her because they don't think she is thin or cute enough. And how will producers portray Audrina's new multi-million dollar mansion on the show without admitting that the way she bought it was with money from The Hills?
Grade: C+ (15 minute delay)

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Fig. 7

At the rally, we spotted Wanda Sykes (!), gaylebrities like Noah's Arc star Darryl Stephens, as well as the Defamer-investigated Milk screenwriter Dustin Lance Black (who, as a former Mormon, must have found the anti-LDS rhetoric a leeetle interesting). The crowd skewed decidedly young, and celebrities whose marriages might actually be nullified — like George Takei and Ellen DeGeneres — were nowhere to be found. Sad as we were to rally without Takei's basso profundo, at least the massive standstill traffic generated by the ensuing march trapped two more gay-appropriate celebs in the maelstrom.

Yup, that's Dancing with the Stars entrant Lance Bass, whose car was caught in the traffic as protesters marched down Sunset Blvd. He didn't get out to join the protest, and somehow, we think Cloris would've. Eventually, the crowd made its way to Hollywood and Highland, where cops made arrests and rebuffed any further progress. On the way back, however, one last gift was still to be unwrapped: a convertible bearing Tila Tequila, whose Stoli-infused reality show prostitution no doubt made the entire night possible. Good show, gays.

[Photo Credits: LAT, Towleroad, Indiewire]

• Police, demonstrators clash at prop. 8 protest [LAT]

• 
  Report from West Hollywood: November 5 Anti-Prop 8 Rally [Towleroad]

• No on Prop 8 Rally [Indiewire]

Historically speaking, ballroom dancing is considered to be an incredibly hetero environment. There's nobody "light in the loafers" on that stage. The constant bedazzling of the purple, stretch satin leisure suits is not so much a fashion statement as it is a safety precaution: you need those sparkly guides to assist you during all that hetero twirling. So the announcement of male partners comes as shock to many, but as always, Hollywood is ready to plan massive events to support this radical cause.

First up will undoubtedly be a massive A-List gala. Co-chaired by Elton John and T.R. Knight, the benefit will feature Eva Longoria-Parker, Victoria Beckett, Liz Taylor (scheduled to appear before 4PM), and cause-whore Sharon Stone, but only after promising not to speak.

Throwing "quieter" support behind the cause are Hollywood's Four Stooges – Clooney, Pitt, Damon and Cheadle. These four often opt out of attending flashy, public events. Per usual, they'll hold a far more civilized and appropriate gathering in Vegas called Poker Playing Celebrities United Behind Male Dance Couples.

And rounding out the trifecta of celebrity support will surely be the all-important PSA. We can't forget you, Julia, Tom, Cameron, Reese, Ben and Jen. Male dance couples everywhere will be thanking you for your overly earnest remarks.

Way to go, Hollywood!

• Celebrity Side Dish [NYDN]

Reichen has just updated his My Space profile so that his headline reads, "You Shady Lying Sack of Shit. You're BEYOND Gross. What an Idiot I Have Been!"

Reichen also posted a new blog to his My Space profile entitled Dating Tips for Hollywood:

"Tuesday, April 29, 2008 — Dating Tips for Hollywood

Never believe them when they say they're in love with you.

Never believe them when they tell you where their heart is.

Never believe them when they say they're only going to sleep with you, especially when there is a social climbing opportunity in front of them.

Never underestimate their need for celebrity, money, and fame.

Never believe you can fix it by being true or nice.

Never EVER believe love is more important to them than anything Hollywood.

Don't date in Hollywood. Realize that for them, it's all BUSINESS."

Words to live by, though we got a little bit tripped up on dating tip #3, "Never believe them when they say they're only going to sleep with you, especially when there is a social climbing opportunity in front of them." We find this confusing on so many levels. If your companion is honest enough to admit that their only intention is to bone you—whether for social-climbing reasons or simply because they "heard from a friend of a friend of Neil Patrick Harris that you fuck like a feisty piranha"—isn't that level of forthrightness something that should be celebrated? After all, successful relationships, regardless of how short-lived, are really all about keeping avenues of communication wide open.

• OH NO! Ry-Chen Dunzo?! [trent.blogspot.com]

He did it to cheer up his despondent friend, who had just undergone all the highs and lows of a tumultuous marriage and subsequent divorce in the greatly compressed time frame of 24 hours. Sadly, the disclosure, despite being truly fabulous, only further confused Spears, leading the singer to start questioning whether she too might be a gay man. After that anecdote, the infamous People cover makes an appearance, followed by Kimmel's own—an issue that somehow slipped our radar, but that probably would have better prepared us for the Matt Damon-cuckolded talk show host's shocking revenge ditty, "I'm Fucking Ben Affleck."

• Jimmy Kimmel Live! [ABC]
• SLEEPING AROUND [Page Six]

They had left me with a chipped tooth, bruised ribs and a concussion, and they had snatched my cellphone — enough to support a charge of second-degree robbery. I subsequently discovered that my girlfriend had been pushed to the ground and took a fist to the cheek while trying to break up Round 2. Still, I consider us all very lucky.

Then a curious thing happened. A wave of fashion broke through the sea of blue uniforms and twirling lights.

"Is that Sarah Jessica Parker?" one of the women asked. It was. Seemingly oblivious to the mayhem swirling around them, the "Sex and the City" star and two female friends made their way through the throng of officers and down the street.

The attacker was arrested even though Derry's girlfriend couldn't ID the attackers. Derry goes on to posit that they could recognize ol' SJP but not the kids because we're used to staring at famous faces. Hmm. Though we don't know the race of anyone involved—although we just heard Derry's answering machine message and he sure "sounded" "white" to us, and he does work for the Yankees—we do know that, 1. they were walking by those projects between 9th and 10th Avenue, which are pretty much all-black and 2. to white people, all non-white people look the same and 3. as mentioned, Duffy's girlfriend couldn't ID the suspect in a lineup but no one had any problems identifying a white one-time guest star from "Square Pegs." (No one returned calls, including the police.) Double-hmm! And yes, there was another sighting of a white and famous face in store for them!

My girlfriend and I held hands as we left the precinct house, struggling to make sense of the entire ordeal. As we walked, we saw Lance Bass, the former 'N Sync singer, who had just crossed the street in front of us. I was dumbfounded at how quickly we could recognize him and had recognized Ms. Parker, people familiar to us only from television shows and gossip columns, despite the fact that we were unable to identify someone with whom we shared a physical connection....

[W]hen Mr. Bass walked in front of us, he brought with him an opportunity to close the unique celebrity angle. My girlfriend, who knows all too well of my struggles to be a writer, acknowledged that fact when she said, "That was your literary gift from heaven."

No one is suing anyone, and all is well.

[M]y representation, in an act of concern, simply sent an appropriate letter to those responsible, asking that attempts to paint me in a negative light with blatant and unnecessary lies and deceit, please stop. It ends there. Nothing else is happening. [...]

My final wish, surrounding this matter, from an overall outside perspective, is that I am no longer associated with this ex-relationship or the people involved in prolonging its existence, and that I'm no longer associated with that time of my life, in general.

The post goes on like this for eight rambling paragraphs, with a distant tone that stands in sharp contrast to the days when its author felt close enough to the former boy bander to co-opt his lover's first name for an exciting media-buzzword launch campaign. Now, we imagine, to be "lanced" means something slightly different for the chiseled star of Dante's Cove—it still refers to a forcible media outing, only of one's innate prickiness, rather than sexual orientation.

• Reichen wants Lance Bass to stop "expressing his personal feelings about me" [Reality Blurred]
• Reichen's MySpace Blog

Doogie Howser wasn't outed, he was "lanced." That's a new term to describe celebrities who have been forced to reveal they're gay, said Reichen Lehmkuhl, boyfriend of 'N Sync star Lance Bass.

"It's to be outed by someone in the public media and to a celebrity, and Neil Patrick Harris, I understand, has been `lanced,'" Lehmkuhl told AP Radio News in a recent interview. The term was coined, he said, after Bass revealed earlier this year that he is gay.

Should Reichen's attempt at turning his more famous boyfriend's name into a lower-case, media buzzword actually catch on, it could well be Lance Bass who ultimately suffers, the public's perception of the former, non-essential *NSYNCer becoming forever linked to the generic shorthand for "famous for being smoked out of the closet." Still, "lanced" does have a catchy succinctness to it, and we wouldn't be surprised if an entirely new vocabulary based upon the Great Celebrity Outings of 2006 were to follow suit, including "knighted" (announcing one's sexual preference as a direct result of an on-set choking or similar, violent attack), "doogied" (putting one's itchy-trigger-fingered publicist in his place with an unabashed rejection of his gay denials), and, not to leave out the man who started it all, the verb "to reichen," i.e. encouraging one's celebrity boyfriend to come out, then riding the free publicity for every photo-op, soundbite and self-promotional opportunity that it's worth.

• Lehmkuhl Says Harris Was `lanced' [ABCNews.com]

Neil Patrick Harris is gay - and wants to quell recent reports that he had denied it. The actor tells PEOPLE exclusively:

"The public eye has always been kind to me, and until recently I have been able to live a pretty normal life. Now it seems there is speculation and interest in my private life and relationships.

"So, rather than ignore those who choose to publish their opinions without actually talking to me, I am happy to dispel any rumors or misconceptions and am quite proud to say that I am a very content gay man living my life to the fullest and feel most fortunate to be working with wonderful people in the business I love."

There you have it: Neil Patrick Harris is of that persuasion. And unlike Lance Bass's "I'm only attracted to S.A.G.s (straight-acting gays)" statement, and T.R. Knight's comment that he hoped "that the fact that I'm gay isn't the most interesting part of me," Harris' "Yay, Gay!" declaration comparatively comes across like a breath of fresh, non-self-loathing air. Congratulations, Mr. Harris: We shall now go have several brightly colored cocktails ending in the suffix -tini in your honor.

• EXCLUSIVE: Neil Patrick Harris Tells PEOPLE He Is Gay [People]

• The Lance Bass DVD Collection [DVD NewsRoom]

The web archaeologists over at BestWeekEver.tv have unearthed a particularly impressive specimen: a 2001 McDonald's commercial featuring recently queer-empowered Lance Bass up at bat during a round of spin-the-bottle with the members of *NSYNC and Britney Spears. With the odds an attractive 5-1 that Bass would be spared the one vagina at the table, the bottle lands on the big money: Justin Timberlake, whose convincingly icked-out reaction undoubtedly drew upon countless late-night tour bus inquiries from his bandmate along the lines of, "Hey, Justin? You still up? Wanna arm wrestle, then compare abs?"

• BWE Exclusive: Lance Bass Acting Gay Way Back in 2001! [BestWeekEver.tv]

"I knew that I was in this popular band and I had four other guys' careers in my hand, and I knew that if I ever acted on it or even said (that I was gay), it would overpower everything," says Bass, referring to bandmates Joey Fatone, Chris Kirkpatrick, JC Chasez and Justin Timberlake.

"I didn't know: Could that be the end of 'N Sync? So I had that weight on me of like, 'Wow, if I ever let anyone know, it's bad.' So I just never did," he says speaking about his sexual orientation for the first time with PEOPLE. [...]

"He took years to really think about how he was going to tell everyone," says his close buddy Fatone, 29, who was the first 'N Sync bandmate to find out Bass is gay. "I back him up 100 percent." [...]

Having pursued acting, producing and - most memorably - space flight after 'N Sync went on hiatus in 2002, Bass now is looking ahead to new beginnings. He is in a "very stable" relationship with model-actor-Amazing Race winner Reichen Lehmkuhl, 32, and is developing an Odd Couple-inspired sitcom pilot with Fatone in which his character will be gay.

It must feel as if an incredible weight has lifted from Bass's shoulders, knowing he can now be his true, man-loving self in front of Kathy Griffin's reality show cameras. And we suspect it's actually a savvy career move: Now, instead of being, "that guy from *NSYNC who isn't Justin Timberlake," Lance has the far catchier one-line bio of, "that gay guy from *NSYNC who isn't Justin Timberlake," which should open all sorts of previously off-limits doors at the LOGO and Bravo networks.

• Lance Bass: I'm Gay [People]

*The Defamer Correspondent For Rigid, Gay Sexual Proclivities tells us that, according to word on the street, we have our assignations reversed. So that should read "Lance mercilessly power-drilling Reichen." We apologize for the confusion.

• No Privacy for Lance Bass at Gay Bar [ABCNews.com]