1.) Toddlers & Tiaras Is Back!

You know, the show that puts daughter-less mothers—who refuse to accept reality—on reality TV.

2.) Twinemies
The premiere episode of the second season featured twins AshLynn and BreAnne, who are forced to compete against each other. The mom so obviously likes BreAnne better. It's totally Jacob Have I Loved. Usually BreAnne wins the crowns, but at this pageant, she threw a temper tantrum and her father wouldn't let her compete for the rest of the day, so AshLynn ended up winning. BreAnne won't accept this. One day, a therapist will get an earful from one or both of them.

3.) Hand Puppets
This little girl is so Anna Nicole. Not because she's from Texas.

And not because she's cranky and flashy.

And not because she doesn't always make sense.

And not because her good behavior at photo shoots is rewarded with trips to McDonalds. No, she mostly reminds me of Anna Nicole because she has a face full of makeup and acts like a four year old. Also, her two best friends are her mother's hands, which she believes to be people, and that's something I can see Anna Nicole subscribing to.

4.) The Insider So Totally Doesn't Get "Ethics"



But at least they're curious.

5.) World's Strongest Toddler: That Don't Impress Ah Me Much



TLC did a whole special on this kid and the best evidence of his "title" was him lifting his mom's wuss weights over his head. Big whoop. Wake me up when he can French braid his own hair.

6.) Teens, Need A Summer Job?
Teenagers 16 and up are allowed to strip in Rhode Island (as long as they're home before midnight).

7.) Joe Jackson: "I started Leonard's career in music promotion."
Leonard:

8.) This Isn't An SNL Skit

9.) Crazy Old German Lady Beats Up Librarian, Gets Away With It
This is from some kind of Cops format show. I could barely edit it down because it's too awesome, beginning to end. While I love the German lady's outbursts, I'm also into how upset the one librarian gets when it's implied that she couldn't find the U.N Charter. ("I didn't even get the chance to look!")

10.) That's So Lindsay

In short: it sucked. A lot. While the failure of the film can't be completely blamed on Lindsay (the script was lacking, as were the jokes), it wasn't her finest hour. Mostly, she just looked really tired.

And when she didn't look tired, she looked like Dina.

ABC Family hyped the movie up in commercials as "a made-for-ABC-family movie," except it so obviously wasn't. The words "bullshit" and "masturbate" were bleeped out, and in the clip above, an entire portion of the birthing class scene was cut, with no explanation, which contributed to the disjointedness of the whole thing. Whatever the content of the footage was, it must've been too racy for the channel.

Although, fart jokes were allowed.

P.S. Did you know that Janeane Garofalo is in it?

The Guild sends word today that it reached an agreement with Perry after five months of negotiations, during which a handful of veteran scribes for his series Meet the Browns and House of Payne were terminated for attempting to unionize the staff. The catch? Those writers will not be coming back, according to a WGA release issued late this morning.

But, they added, the mogul "thanked them for their services and wished them well in their future endeavors." Surely that's of little comfort to the reeling Tyler Perry Four, who now confront the reality they may never again have the enviable opportunity to mass-produce Madea jokes for a Perry-starved populace. We hope the NAACP negotiators can sleep at night.

Nikki Finke evidently thinks this will have some bearing on the presidential race; more usefully, she also passed along an open letter from a small army of showrunners including Tina Fey, Mad Men creator Matt Weiner and TV legend Larry Gelbart:

This season, scripted television programming will consist of about 150 shows employing 1,200 writers.

Of that universe, 149 shows and 1,193 writers will produce shows covered by the Writers Guild’s Minimum Basic Agreement. The MBA guarantees minimum compensation, residuals, health coverage, and pension in addition to other benefits.

The big exception? Tyler Perry's House of Payne and the seven writers who, collectively, played a key role in producing over 100 episodes of one of television's most successful sitcoms. [...]

We all know that producing television is a tough and uncertain business. But some things are simply not acceptable.

Like not sending Tina Fey an invitation to the opening of Tyler Perry Studios. Even Barry Bonds got invited! Why shouldn't WGA be pissed?

[Photos: (L) Terence Long, WGAW; (R) AP]

• WGA Pickets Tyler Perry Studios [DHD]

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In a bold move that sent the celebrity bloggerati into an epileptic fit, Cahuenga Blvd based DJ Samantha Ronson blew a kiss to gal pal Lindsay Lohan while leaving the set of Labor Pains. According to on set spies, the air born kiss was to celebrate Lohan's successfully finishing the film without any major incident. Later in the afternoon,Lohan received a text message from Ronson that implied that her lip lock telegram was only the beginning of their fun.

[Photo Credit: WENN]

*A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

boomp3.com

On the set of her latest film, Labor Pains, Lindsay Lohan ran into a different kind of pain at the craft service table. Earlier in the day, Lohan had over heard a couple crew members raving about the donuts; in particular, the apple fritters at the craft service table. Yet, by the time, Lohan managed to make her way to the craft services, all of the pastries were gone. She asked a P.A. where had all the donuts gone, but the P.A. shrugged his shoulders and said, "I don't know, but they were really awesome. I think Stan in the camera department might have half of an apple fritter. I can check for you." Lohan decided against sharing the donut and picked up an apple instead. Lohan said, "If I can't have the delicious sugary baked thing, then I guess I'll have the boring, somewhat healthy thing as a snack."

[Photo Credit: Flynet]

*A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

That's a lot under any circumstances (most contracts pass with at least 90% approval). But while it's not likely enough to get the studios to sweeten its offer to SAG, it is enough for the union leaders to have one last healthy, fun whack at each other, starting with SAG boss Alan Rosenberg:

Clearly many Screen Actors Guild members responded to our education and outreach campaign and voted against the inadequate AFTRA agreement. We knew AFTRA would appeal to its many AFTRA-only members, who are news people, sportscasters and DJs, to pass the tentative agreement covering acting jobs. ...

Screen Actors Guild is the actors union with more than 95% of the work under this contract, jurisdiction over all motion pictures, and over 4 billion dollars in member earnings under the SAG agreement over just the last three years. ...

We will continue to address the issues of importance to actors that AFTRA left on the table and we remain committed to achieving a fair contract for SAG actors.

AFTRA president Roberta Reardon was a little more constructive, calling for more collaboration and advance talks before future negotiations — but not before claiming a "moral victory" and punching Rosenberg squarely in his prop-shop codpiece:

Clearly, this was not a typical ratification process, and it would be disingenuous to pretend otherwise. To those of us for whom labor solidarity is more than just a slogan, the idea that politically-motivated leaders of one union would use their members' dues to attack another union is unconscionable. Working people do not benefit when their union is under attack.

It's OK, Roberta — this crap has only been going on for 60 years now. Keep your mushroom clouds handy: Hollywood Strikewatch 2011, here we come!

• AFTRA accepts deal [Variety]
• AFTRA Members Ratify AMPTP Contract [DHD]

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While on the set of Labor Pains, Lindsay Lohan deeply thought about her various hair colors, but had bit of a brain fart when it came to her original hair color. Lohan told a stylist that her and her roots have been to hell and back, but she couldn't remember what her natural color was. The stylist couldn't tell either, but it shouldn't stop from experimenting with a new color once the film wraps.

[Photo Credit: X17]

*A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

boomp3.com

While on the set of Labor Pains, Cheryl Hines wanted the paparazzi to know that there are other people in the movie besides Lindsay Lohan. Hines thought it would be nice if the photographers could expand their photographic horizons and take pictures of other people on set, too. Hines explained that she understands that Lohan is bit of a financial rainmaker for people, but she felt it would be nice if they took her photo from time to time. Hines enjoys having proof to show friends and family that she's working on a fairly regular basis.

[Photo Credit: Flynet]

*A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

Even amidst news that she may have another hormonal little sister stepping on her coattails, Lohan looked more upbeat than ever walking hand-in-hand with roommate and vice delivery girl Sam Ronson over the weekend. Sporting her character's fake baby bump (required for the film's stolen-directly-from-Baby Mama-plot "twist") and smiling from ear to ear, the couple continued the PDA parade they started in Cannes last month. And according to the Daily Mail, Lohan's friends say she and Ronson are "both really happy." More confusing though, is their assurance that Lindsay feels "safe" around the DJ. We still automatically envision Lohan's sleepytime cokepants adventure whenever we see the two together, not to mention tear-soaked catfights in clubs, and painful bedroom injuries. But considering Lindsay's fetish for self-abuse, we suppose her Joshua Kelley-esque penchant for pain is all part of the fun.

[Photo credits: X17]

• LINDSAY LOHAN STROLLS HAND IN HAND WITH HER LESBIAN LOVER AS FRIENDS SAY SHE'S FINALLY HAPPY [Daily Mail]

Surrounded by an army of protectors, servants, and production assistants instructed to alert her the moment Sam Ronson finally appears bearing cigarettes and liquid adrenaline, you may attempt to concentrate on the clip and notice the familiar sound of police sirens coming from some mysterious location. Not to worry. You are not busted for whatever caused you to get the shakes upon hearing them. They're coming from your computer! And they're most likely after Lindsay! Which is why she stands within hiding distance of the surrounding trailers and tents customized to camouflage all cast members decked out in the dusty old wardrobe from The Bad News Bears. Though we are delighted to note the presence of an actual bra supporting Lohan's freckly pieces of "art," the sight of Lohan bent over and huffing smokes on her own personal Field Of Dreams is probably something that would make Peter Gammons keel over once and for all.

• LINDSAY LOHAN PLAYS BASEBALL IN THE VALLEY [Hollywood.tv]

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On the set of Labor Pains, Lindsay Lohan's co-star got a wee bit overanxious in the filming of a big kissing scene today in Los Angeles. Lohan told the actor to hang loose for a moment and actually wait until the camera starts rolling before making out. Lohan said, "Let's try to be professionals here and, if you could, please chew on some Orbits before we do a take. And if Sam shows up, pretend you don't know me."

[Photo Credit: Splash Pics]

After some time spent apart since their overseas girl-on-girl liplock heard 'round the world, hot item of the season Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson finally reunited on the sunny Montreal Woodland Hills set of the fake-pregnancy caper. And though Lohan certainly looked relieved to see her favorite live-in girlfriend, her expression quickly turned south towards Ronson's goodie-packed hand. A hand bearing gifts like Red Bull (uppers!), Marlboro Reds (every healing junkie's favorite drug!) and some belly-tickling fingers Ronson used to remind Lohan just how much she loves the female touch.

[Photo credits: Splash]

• AT LAST! LINDSAY'S LOVE HAS COME HOME [ONTD]

Rescuing a film that was placed in limbo by the Capitol Films cash crunch, Nu Image/Millennium Films Overnight Productions has set a June 9 production start on the comedy "Labor Pains."

Going into Cannes, "Labor Pains" was poised to be financed by Capitol Pictures. Then, unions shut down production on the Capitol-financed David O. Russell-directed "Nailed."

Overnight Productions topper Rick Schwartz looked for alternative coin to keep the picture on track, and Lerner was most aggressive. Though Nu Image/Millennium doesn't make a lot of comedies, the company committed to finance before the festival ended. [...]

"I didn't know Lindsay before this, but we looked each other in the eye three months ago, and she has done everything I could have asked," said Schwartz, whose producing credits include "Gangs of New York" and "The Departed."

Minds out of the gutter please, as we're sure Schwartz only asked of Lohan that she keep her nose clean and commit to hitting her call-times in a prompt and non-hungover fashion. Obviously, this project is a crucial one for Lohan, poised nicely to highlight her professionalism and reestablish her viability as a box-office draw. Still, with Hollywood an ADD-afflicted town, we only hope the bloom is still on the pregnancy-movie rose by the time Pains comes out, lest producers find themselves stuck with a marketing challenge whose quick-fix solution—a one-billboard campaign touting the latest from ''the star of Mean Girls and all those lezzie photos from about nine months ago!!"— will ultimately do a disservice to all involved.

• Lindsay Lohan ready for 'Labor Pains' [Variety]

The AMPTP apparently relented on the issue of establishing an online clip library, which, as of last weekend, remained one of the negotiations' primary sticking points. AFTRA's members (who still need to ratify the contract) will retain consent over the usage of their work on the Web, though Variety reports that the new deal "calls for [AFTRA] and the companies to 'develop a mechanism' by which performers can provide or withhold consent for non-promotional use of clips from TV libraries."

AFTRA currently represents about a dozen prime-time shows including Curb Your Enthusiasm and 'Til Death, but that number could climb if SAG takes to the picket line this summer. And it's certainly possible: When SAG's previous negotiations broke down earlier this month, leaders cried they were within a few hours of a deal. That was later discovered to be untrue. Listen for more saber-rattling as the parties reconvene in the month ahead.

• AFTRA, majors agree deal [Variety]
• Biz watches AFTRA-studio cliffhanger [THR]

Although the guild hasn't set a strike authorization vote for the 120,000 SAG members yet, the industry continues to fret about a work stoppage. The majors have remained unwilling to commit to starting new feature productions until a SAG deal is in hand — a situation that some in the biz are calling a de facto strike.

After two weeks, the guild's been unwilling to back down from two of its initial demands — that the companies increase DVD residuals and offer a shorter period of free usage for promotional purposes for streamed content than the 17- and 24-day windows in the DGA and WGA deals. The majors have insisted they won't give in to either demand.

So what now? What else? Our money's on the vaunted SAG leadership to bitterly walk away from the table at the end of the week without a deal, prompting yet another labor cliffhanger to which union boss Alan Rosenberg will again invoke his "social justice" creds while the studio production calendar goes into lockdown. And why wouldn't he? He's an actor, for Christ's sake; the next two months of drama will be the best role he's had in years.

• SAG's Week to Decide [Variety]

On Tuesday, as his turn at the bargaining table arrived, Mr. Rosenberg said he remained angry enough over performer compensation levels to bring the entertainment industry to a halt again.

"Aside from my family, I have two great loves in my life: acting and the fight for social justice," he said. "Oh yes, we are very serious." ...

Some in Hollywood say Mr. Rosenberg's move into the role of confrontational guild leader comes less from politics than from personal psychology. His older brother, Mark Rosenberg, was a noted civil rights activist who became president of Warner Brothers before dying of heart failure in 1992 at the age of 44. Leading SAG in its battle to secure a ground-breaking labor contract allows Mr. Rosenberg to continue his brother's work.

"There's no doubt that he cared deeply about content creators, and that I share that with him," Mr. Rosenberg said. While not rich by Hollywood standards, Mr. Rosenberg is not exactly what most people consider middle class, either. He is married to Marg Helgenberger, a millionaire because of her lead role on the CBS drama CSI: Crime Scene Investigation.

Wait a second — did Rosenberg just allude to a parallel between SAG's stonewalling on new media and... civil rights? Really? That was tasteful. Anyway, Barnes adds that Rosenberg has a more rational advantage as well: Media congloms' upcoming quarterly earnings reports could reflect the damage from the WGA strike, thus establishing new leverage in contract squabbles. And CBS boss Les Moonves earned $36 million in 2007, surely all from CSI's surging Internet revenue. Yes, indeed — "social justice," here we come!

• Guild Chief for Actors Is No Pacifist [NYT]

How does Rosenberg keep it all straight? The same way we do: One enemy at a time.

Take the rebel sect of SAG members including Bacon, Sheen, Sally Field and nearly 1,500 others, who last week petitioned leadership for "qualified voting" — kind of an Animal Farm-lite approach that would consolidate power among members who work more regularly than others. Variety's Dave McNary notes the proposal would likely have lessened the chance for a strike when the contract runs out June 30, and indeed, Rosenberg and Co. barely acknowledged the petition before passing it to what one dissenter called "the committee where things go die."

The SAG boss sought additional leverage over the weekend with a letter to his general membership, laying down the hard line for the negotiations launching Tuesday. Stop us if you've heard this one before:

"We have to negotiate fair payments for all new media formats to help us expand opportunities for middle class actors to get more work, just as the employers are expanding their opportunities to earn even more revenue," Rosenberg said. "We simply can't wait until this boat has sailed. We need to be on the boat—and it's leaving now."

Hence tomorrow's big march to the Port of Los Angeles, right? Well, not really. Both the DGA and striking WGA agreed in February that this "new media boat" was moored enough to settle for something a little less: Regular voyages through the studios' books as new media revenues take shape. Of course, the AMPTP has already put its own foot down emphasizing that's all SAG will get, and even big-shot attorney and DGA adviser Ken Ziffren came out with his own warning for Rosenberg:

"It's better right now to have access to the information that's needed to try to track the new-media industries and their business patterns. ... If the other guilds can understand that concept, then we can get back to work again in full force and follow the trends that the industry may take in new media. And so that is, to me, the major short-term issue and hopefully that will get resolved before June 30, or long before, if possible."

Translation: Please don't embarrass us in front of our membership by negotiating something juicier.

Anyway, assuming AFTRA doesn't come back to the table with SAG, we'd think Rosenberg would settle before AFTRA sits down with the studios April 28. Sure, he'll lose a whole two months of barking about a strike in the press, but it's either that or, as we mentioned a few weeks back, watch AFTRA usurp a share of SAG influence on the job market. And we doubt anyone at SAG wants to see that boat sail.

• SAG spurns proposal to limit voting [Variety]
• Rosenberg sends letter to SAG members [Variety]