Gawker: defamer, kristy swanson

Like, This Is So Totally Embarrassing: Our Top Five Classic 'Valley Girls'

Molly Friedman — Tue, 22 Jul 2008 18:30:00 EDT

As THR reported recently, MGM is planning a musical remake of the cult classic Valley Girl, which became the epitome of everything the magical land of acrylic nails and gum chewing addictions stood for in the early `80s. However, the remake is ruffling the feathers of many an industry insider, mainly because the brains behind this project are less interested in revisiting the infamous twang and mall headquarters associated with girls from the Valley, a group the film arguably captured better than any successor. Instead, the epic soundtrack will serve as the reincarnation's primary subject. But whether or not the idea tanks, we're just happy to have the chance to round up our five favorite on-screen Valley Girls to ever gag us with a spoon:

Torrance Shipman, Bring It On: For every sweet as sugar Valley Girl like the original film's Julie Richman, there is the head cheerleader. Torr, her sidekicks, and her priorities dipped into the shallowest end of the San Fernando pool of prissy dumb blondes (with hearts of gold! In the end, of course!) Classic Quote: "I am only cheerleading."

Romy And Michele, Romy And Michele's High School Reunion: A rare glimpse into the lives of the post-grad working life of the VG, Lisa Kudrow and Mira Sorvino actually made anyone unfamiliar with the Valley kind of want to live there, where folding sweaters defined the girls' perfection of living by that old mantra: ignorance is bliss. Classic Quote: "You look so good with blonde hair and black roots it's not even funny."

Stacy Hamilton, Fast Times At Ridgemont High: For every Torrance, there is a Stacy Hamilton: that shy, naive non-looker with the way hotter friend, who falls for the short, pale, and not handsome bad boy because he smokes cigarettes and dresses in all black. Classic Quote: "When a guy has an orgasm, how much comes out?"

Tai, Clueless: Most people instantly envision Cher as a classic VG, but the contemporary Emma lived in Beverly Hills. And sure, Tai does hail from the scary land of Manhattan where "coke" means cocaine, not Coca-Cola. But by the climax of the flick, Tai represents everything VGs stand for: short skirts, make-up, gold jewelry and boyfriend-stealing. Classic Quote: "You think I'm a mentally retarded airhead?"

Buffy Summers, Buffy The Vampire Slayer: Oh, Buff. The yellow cheerleading outfit. The gum. The bleached hair. The mini-skirts with polka dots used to attract football players. The like, icky gross feeling you get around dudes with British accents who are old and stuff. Our favorite, by a landslide. Classic Quote: "Right, I'm the chosen one. And I choose to be shopping."

MGM DEVELOPS MUSICAL 'VALLEY GIRL' [THR]

Swanson And Eisler: 'Someone Save Us From Lloyd's Crazed, Violent Ex-Wife!'

Seth — Tue, 19 Jun 2007 15:44:21 EDT

Kristy Swanson and Lloyd Eisler have escalated their attacks against Eisler's ex-wife, Marcia O'Brien, whose assault claims against Swanson during a child-visitation exchange gone awry led to the actress's arrest in Canada on Friday night. As the former Law & Order Anna-Nicole-channeler lists her wounds, her double-Lutzing boyfriend insists to Extra that it's the woman he abandoned while eight months pregnant with his second child who is the real villain in this international domestic incident:

About her injuries, Swanson says, "I have two little ones [scratches] here; I have one on my knee. Then I had a gouge on my back....It's still sore."

Eisler adds, "There was never a time when Kristy put her hand on Marcia, never touched her. So, it's very strange to me how I get charged and she ends up with a black eye."

We'll assume Eisler was speaking for Swanson, because he has yet to "get charged" with anything. (At least in relation this matter—he was suspended from coaching after he "allegedly sent inappropriate emails to a 15-year-old female skater.") For those who require further clarification on the matter, the couple offers AccessHollywood.com their extremely lengthy version of events. It's heartening to see that chivalry is not entirely dead, however, and that the blind trust one must place in one's televised celebrity skating competition partner carries over to long after the reality TV cameras have turned off and the arena Zamboni hums to life.

[ExtraTV.com]
Kristy Swanson Speaks Out On Alleged Assault [AccessHollywood.com]

Kristy Swanson Signs On For 'Tussling With The Stars' Jilted Wives'

Seth — Mon, 18 Jun 2007 20:53:38 EDT

Kristy Swanson is just the latest in a spate of Hollywood bimbos to swoop in on Canuck homes and snatch away their males like some demon race of bottle-blond, Canadian-man-craving succubi. In this case, the prize was her Skating with the Stars partner Lloyd Eissler, who abandoned his wife and two children to better pursue a love forged in the heat of third-tier reality show competition. A tense family reunion, meanwhile, got ugly Friday when Swanson allegedly turned all Buffy the Figure Skater's Ex-Wife Slayer on her romantic foe:

The incident is alleged to have happened on Friday when Eisler and Swanson went to O'Brien's home to pick up the two children Eisler had with O'Brien.
Although she wouldn't go into detail, O'Brien said she was assaulted. The alleged assault took place in front of her children. "When I was attacked, I immediately phoned 911 and [Swanson] called her lawyer," O'Brien said.

Through her publicist, Michael Sands, Swanson alleges that she was the person who was attacked, in the driveway of O'Brien's home.
Sands said Swanson was left with bruises on her left knee and arm and was also scratched.

An update to the Whig-Standard's original story reports Swanson, who has returned to L.A. since being released on on $500 bail, will be required to return to Kingston face an assault charge next month—plenty of time for her camp to develop the finer details of their "But the mean Canadian lady with the inexplicable vendetta hit me first!" version of events they've been feeding the press since the story broke. Kingston residents can breathe a sigh of relief, however, knowing that the players involved are so firmly entrenched in the Z-list, there is virtually zero chance of any media tent cities being erected to ruin the quiet charms of their sleepy, college town.

Actress released on $500 bail [Whig-Standard]
Skating star Eisler's mate, ex, cross swords [theStar.com]