Life & Style
"I Lost 82 Lbs!"
Everyone loves a weight loss story… Except for us. Six pages of Biggest Loser info — including an "old diet" versus "new diet" chart and the obligatory grilled chicken over salad photo. Moving on: "More Heels For Suri" is self-explanatory (See image 7). "Wow! How Did They Do That?" is a baby weight feature in which pregnancy weights are compared to post-pregnancy weights. All weights were estimated from photos by a doctor who does not treat the stars. Obviously. Jessica Simpson and Gerard Butler had a "hot and flirty date"! The lead image looks like a shot of the happy couple, but it's actually two pictures cleverly pasted together. (See image 8; we added arrows pointing to the seam.) A source says Jess and Gerard had chemistry, but she ended up going home with her hairdresser. Someone else says: "He's horny, but there's nothing really going on between them." Next: Brad Pitt had a motorcycle mishap and told some guy that Angie was going to kill him, because she thinks motorcycles are too dangerous. (But didn't she buy him the bike?) Psychotherapist Jenn Berman, who does not treat Brad, says: "I don't think it's a good idea for a father to risk his safety." Lastly: Ashlee Simpson's character has been written out of Melrose Place and she is "devastated." And! Losing her salary is not good for the Simpson-Wentzes.
Grade: F (broken filling)

OK!
"Split!"
Robert Pattinson showed up 45 minutes late to the Eclipse wrap party, and when he left, he was wearing a baseball cap and sunglasses. The mag writes: "The reason? He was hiding his broken heart." A "friend" of the couple's says he was talking marriage but Kristen Stewart wasn't ready. Apparently Kristen filmed some steamy love scenes with Taylor Lautner, and keeps talking about how he's getting "bigger and bigger and bigger." A source says "she couldn't stop noticing his bod. His hot bod." Anyways, Rob and Kristen are on a break, but it doesn't mean things are over. The break, interestingly enough, coincides with the hiatus between Twilight movies. (Robert doesn't want to go to LA with Kristen because he's scared of earthquakes.) Next: Bradley Cooper told Renée Zellweger he wants to slow down before anyone's feelings get hurt. The mag calls out Star for printing that Mary-Kate got engaged and also refutes Life & Style's claim that Angelina Joie has a fear of hugging. Check out the "exhaustive research" by their "Investigative Team" (See image 9). Jennifer Aniston is "one step closer to being a mom" because she visited an orphanage in Tijuana, where she made the kids spaghetti for dinner. She's also house-hunting in Mexico. Lastly: There's a two-page feature on Abigail Spencer, who plays Suzanne Farrell — aka Don Draper's mistress — on Mad Men.
Grade: D- (poppy seed stuck in teeth)

In Touch
"Running Back To Jen."
Brad got into a motorcycle accident, but the real news is that he was on his way to a "top secret meeting" with Jennifer Aniston. In other words: Brad was trying to get to Jen and away from Angie so fast, he had an accident! According to sources, Angelina is "not liking" the independent streak that Brad has been showing lately, and Brad realizes that leaving Jen for Angie was "hotheaded and dumb." A "pal" says: "They had a whirlwind affair and he was following Angelina around like a love sick puppy for a while." But now? "He sees her for nasty, calculating person that she is, and he wants to leave. It's terrible, because he feels trapped." Next there are disturbing photos of RHONJTeresa Giudice's new baby wearing feathers and leopard print. (See image 10). Ashlee Simpson "cried in her dressing room" after getting the boot from Melrose Place, poor thing. Jon Gosselin has agreed to star in a "cheesy" new reality show in which he dates Nadya Suleman. It will be called Jon - Kate = Jon+ Octomom. BREAKING: "Katie Holmes returns to her sad life in Boston with Tom Cruise." BREAKING: Susan Boyle is younger than Madonna. (See image 11). Lastly, Matthew McConaughey's kid is just a tiny version of Matthew McConaughey. (See image 12).
Grade: D (pineapple string stuck in teeth)

Us
"This Time I'm Sure."
The guy from The Bachelor proposed to Meilssa Rycroft, then broke it off and got with the Molly from the show, and is now engaged to Molly. Or something. We didn't read the story. Moving on: An Melrose Place insider says they hired Ashlee because they needed a good name for "buzz," but she was embarrassingly bad. Another source says: "She's the worst actress, but nobody will tell her." The spread called "Tinseltown Transformations" is the best thing we have ever seen and proves that everyone you suspect had a nose job (coughTyracough) actually did. The ones you're not sure about are the ones with really good surgeons. (See images 13 and 14 ). Madonna gives Jesus expensive presents when she regrets being nasty to him. She bosses him around, feels guilty later, then buys him stuff like hand-tailored silk shirts. Ryan Gosling is still pining for Rachel McAdams. A friend says Ryan considered Rachel the love of his life and hasn't had eyes for anyone else since their breakup. Taylor Swift invited Taylor Lautner to the set of a commercial she was filming and a source says "they were definitely acting like a couple." Next is the amazing chart which proves that Jessica Simpson and Jennifer Aniston are "on the same path." They like Mexican food! They have great hair! (See image 15). Kate Hudson and A-Rod are planning their life together, and A-Rod is "less of a jerk" now that he's with Kate. Apparently the sex is good and Kate "gets graphic" talking about A-Rod's body — "even to her parents." In Jackson kids news, a source says all the guys in the family (Joe; the Jackson brothers) look at them with dollar signs in their eyes — while the women (Katherine, the Jackson sisters) are protecting them.
Grade: D+ (popcorn husk stuck in teeth)

Star
"Tom & Katie: The End"
Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes' third wedding anniversary is coming up — November 18 — which means they can "renegotiate their marriage contract"! When they got hitched, Tom had a 100-page document drawn up, spelling out everything from Katie's clothing allowance to a cash bonus for having babies. She wants: A bigger clothing allowance; for Tom to find a movie for her to star in; and another Broadway show. She got a $3 million "gift" when she had Suri, and every year Tom increases the additional offspring prize offer as an incentive for Katie to get pregnant. This year he's prepared to bump it up to $5 million! Tom wants Katie to get pregnant NOW and every week he reminds her that she is 30 and her biological clock is ticking away. Her dad's a lawyer, so she talks to him about the contract and is holding off on the baby while the deal is being made. If Tom and Katie don't work out the contract, they could split and fight over Suri — plus, Katie could "spill some of Tom's dark secrets." Next: New Line Cinema is supposedly casting a Jon and Kate movie, and would like Cameron Diaz for Kate and Johnny Depp for Jon. Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel were photographed together recently, and Rihanna got a ton of calls asking if she'd seen the pictures. She "flipped," because she's really into Justin. When she emailed him and asked him what was going on, he said he was trying to work things out with Jess. Now Rihanna feels that she got played. Kate Hudson answered A-Rod's cellphone, and when he complained, she threw the phone in the toilet. Blind item! "Which divorcée hasn't had a date with a man in months, because she digs the ladies? The housewife introduced her girl as 'a friend,' but now that things are over, she's on the prowl for a new gal to keep her company." This is weird: "Rachel Bilson wears the pants" in her relationship because she and Hayden Christensen went out to dinner and she ordered his meal, picked up the bill, and, "when they left, Rachel even drove!" Brad and Angie's English bulldog, Jack, destroyed a $500,000 Marcel Dzama painting. Jenny Craig spokeswoman Queen Latifah had breakfast in Beverly Hills and ordered a latte, three muffins, a slice of chocolate cake and a cinnamon roll to go. A source says: "She had a guilty look on her face." Maddox has been pushing his parents to get married, so in late September, Brad and Angie had a ceremony at their house, and it was officiated by Maddox. He assigned roles for everyone: Shiloh was the "ring bear"; Zahara was the flower girl, and Pax was the best man. Viv and Knox watched and giggled. Angelina wore a white dress; Brad wore a suit; Maddox wore camouflage; Pax wore a soccer jersey; Shiloh had her sword; Zahara wore a dress and tiara. Moving along: Kristen Stewart did not show up to the Eclipse wrap party and Robert Pattinson only stayed for 45 minutes before leaving alone. Sources say they had a fight on October 15 because Rob told Kristen that he was going back to the UK on their hiatus and wouldn't have time for her. Noah Cyrus, 9, wore a "racy getup" to a fundraiser last weekend. (See image 16). Jen, Jess and Cam are in the center of the "Hollywood Love Swap," surrounded by a constellation of guys (See image 17). Is Heather Locklear to blame for Ashlee Simpson getting fired from Melrose Place? Sources say Heather wanted her gone so it could be her show. Lastly, Miranda Kerr and Jamie King are "skin and bones." The mag writes of Kerr: "Although she refuses to reveal her true weight, Dr. Fisher believes Miranda weighs about 110 lbs." Does this mean a reporter actually called her publicist and asked for Miranda Kerr's weight?!?! Dr. Fisher, who has not treated Miranda, is the author of The Park Avenue Diet. Obviously.
Grade: C- (spinach stuck in teeth)

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For months the build-up to the campaign has turned America's teenage girls into a pack of depraved junkies, refreshing their browsers with increasing rage looking for the latest tidbit of the film. Since the first Twilight film itself came out, Summit has doled out pieces of New Moon in tiny parcels, offering up stills from the film, three trailers, song lists from the soundtrack, soundtrack cover art, new posters, set photos data about the film's running time and of course relentless 24/7 coverage of every movement of stars Robert Pattinson, Kristen Stewart, Taylor Lautner etc.

Like alleged pieces of the true cross floating across Europe in the middle ages, there may in fact currently be more artifacts of New Moon out there on the market than there actually is New Moon to hold them; by our calculations New Moon would have to be approximately 18 hours long to fit in all the pieces of New Moon that have found their way into the public space.

We have no doubt that once the public safety threat has been passed, Congress will want to investigate the fact that Summit entertainment has for the past year kept the teenage girls of America hovering over a precipice between sanity and raving bedlam. The campaign however, has brilliantly created not just one mega-PR event with the release of the film but turning the release of PR materials themselves into mega-events, with their own build-up, countdowns and launch parties — and making the tireless muckrakers of entertainment journalism their lackeys in the frenzy.

Take this week for instance. The big event in Twilight-land, still reeling from the launch of the New Moon soundtrack currently topping the iTunes charts, will be the release of a new clip from the film, to debut on Access Hollywood. The clip itself will presumably run about a minute, as past clips have. But building up to the release of that precious minute of footage, Access Hollywood received permission to preview the release of the clip; the clip which will preview the movie, running on their site an approximately three second slice of the minute to come.

The clip's release will be followed by blanket coverage on MTV and elsewhere of reaction to the clip's release and hundreds of hours of punditizing about where this leaves us as a Twilight-based society.

Someday these people will understand that they have toyed with forces beyond their power to control. But until then, all we as society can do is pray. And lock the doors.

Us
"How I Survived Abuse."
The Mary Murphy cover story is about how she was married to this guy from 1978 to 1987 and he raped her, beat her and blamed her for having a miscarriage. Then she got into dancing and it saved her life. Next: Beyoncé called Lady Gaga and asked her if she wanted to be in a video shoot — with two hours notice— and Gaga said yes! Heidi Montag says she's gearing up for a second nose job after being elbowed in the face during a dance rehearsal. The Jackson Family is still shooting their A&E reality show — to air in December and MJ's kids will be included. Rebbie Jackson allegedly feels Michael would "spin in his grave" if he knew. Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer are secretly back on: A source says she just can't let go — and she's sad that her summer flings have moved on and Vince Vaughn has been on TV lately and so on. But John is so busy getting ready for a tour he can't even think about dating. Taylor Swift was seen in a "romantic embrace" with Taylor Lautner at one of her concerts. "But the Taylors' teenage hormones really took off at the after-party," the mag claims.
Grade: D- (slimy boiled okra)

OK!
"Inside Our Home."
Just so we're clear: At no point do Rob or Kristen utter the quotes on the cover like "Inside our home" or "we're already like a married couple." This is fanfic about Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart's "love nest" at the Vancouver Sheraton Wall Centre, where they supposedly share the entire 34th floor with adjoining 2-bedroom suites, and a third suite for guests. Rob and Kristen sleep in a king-size bed and microwave Rob's "beloved Hot Pockets" in one of three kitchens. And! "Their room contains no fewer than six natural gas fireplaces, in front of which Rob serenades Kristen with Van Morrison and John Lee Hooker tunes on one of his Gibson guitars, and Kristen reads aloud from the volume of Virgil's Doomed Love that he gave her this year." A "friend" says when they have a day off, they sleep and cuddle all day. One time after out running the paparazzi, they got into an elevator and, as the mag puts it, "then they ascended to their celestial nest and left the real world behind." Also, the picture of their "bedroom" in this story is directly from the hotel's website. Next: George Clooney is trying to quit boozing so he didn't invite Brad Pitt to Italy this summer — a "source" says "he didn't want to get sucked into an endless drinking session." Justin Timberlake is telling his inner circle that Jessica Biel has changed since they first met and he wants to see other women. But she refuses to let go! They're giving the romance another chance, because JT "doesn't want to go out like that" — looking like a cad. Moving on: Kourtney Kardashian is having a boy. Taylor Swift and Taylor Lautner — who met on the set of Valentine's Day — may be dating. They've been calling and texting "all the time." Apparently TL threatened to kick Kanye's butt and TS was touched. At the Gosselin Twins birthday party, the girls blew out candles and then told a camera crew member that their wish was for mommy and daddy to stop fighting. Sniff. Rihanna is "looking more fierce than ever." The secret behind her new confidence? She's finally stopped talking to Chris Brown.
Grade: F for false story, upgraded to D for entertainment value (old pumpkin turned into jack o' lantern)

In Touch
"At War With Tom."
Apparently Katie's parents came to visit. But it wasn't just a visit — it was a "crisis talk." They're not happy with Tom pressuring Katie to have another baby when she's not ready. Despite the tension, Tom and Katie are trying to keep Suri happy. Even though the mag claims TomKat is fighting over religion, Suri's already enrolled in Catholic pre-school. So whatever. Next: Lindsay Lohan may have tried to kill herself. Her rep denies the story, but Grazia reported she'd been rushed to the hospital at 8 in the morning with deep slash wounds on her right wrist. She'd been drinking and crying for hours. She allegedly told hospital staff she'd cut herself trying to open a bottle of wine. Michael Lohan tells the mag: "Look at Michael Jackson. I'm afraid she's headed down that path." Next there's a six-page story called "Why They Can't Stop Gaining," which includes Oprah, Kelly Clarkson, Jon Gosselin, Kirstie Alley and Kevin Federline. Also inside: Jon Gosselin sucks because he pulled one of his daughters by the ponytail and yanked one of his son's arms. Then he promised Mady a laptop and Cara an ATV. A psychologist who does not treat Jon says, "You can't put a kid on an ATV." Did you know that Jesus gets an allowance? Madonna gives him about $10,000 a month to cover expenses. Nicole Kidman has "gone to far" with her "shockingly smooth skin." (See image 7).
Grade: D (mushy zucchini)

Life & Style
"Two More Babies On The Way!"
The Angie story is called "I WANT EVEN MORE BABIES!" She told the British magazine Stylist, "I can see further additions to the family — both adopted and our own." An insider says: "Some people get addicted to drugs and alcohol. Brad and Angie are addicted to children." The mag adds: "It's a dangerous addiction." Oh, and by the way: "Brad was smooth and youthful… before he started raising a family." (See image 8). Moving along: Kristin Davis says: "I'm 44 and I want a baby." As Russell Brand's ex-girlfriend, Georgina Baillie has a warning for Katy Perry: "I don't think he's capable of monogamy. I was part of his conveyor belt of women coming through his door. If you go to one of those famous bars or clubs in London, every second girl in there knows what Russell is like in bed, from personal experience. An ex who dated Brand before Georgina says: "It wouldn't be fair for me to call him a scumbag… He's just a boy." Couple name alert: Taylor Swift and Taylor Lautner are "Taylor Squared." Suri Cruise is "so grown up" with her lipstick, heels and Starbucks. One caption reads: "Lipstick on a 3-year-old? Suri looked like a teenager." Actually, she didn't. "America's Worst Dad" is all about Jon Gosselin. He's addicted to fame, he should grow up, and he needs to mediate with Kate, say "experts." Katherine Heigl's adopted baby Naleigh had two holes in her heart when she was born and open-heart surgery when she was 3 months old. Ben Affleck has been "chatty and flirty" with his costar Rebecca Hall on the set of his new movie The Town. And she looks just like Jennifer Garner (See image 9)! Lastly: Beyoncé and Lady Gaga will be in B's upcoming video, "Video Phone." Everything on the set was hush-hush, but this story informs us that Beyoncé wears a feathered dress, Gaga wears something wild, and the fashion is "sick and insane."
Grade: D+ (burnt squash)

Star
"Lindsay Hits Rock Bottom!"
This mag claims Lindsay Lohan collapsed on October 6 at a party thrown by Mario Testino. She fell into a "booze-filled tailspin" after learning that the Ungaro show was an "epic failure." While she was in Paris she was partying every single day and an insider says: "Lindsay is a wreck, a mess, a disaster. She's an obituary waiting to happen." (See image 10) At the party she read the Ungaro reviews and then had a meltdown. She was crying and shouting and later she passed out drunk and her friends got her out of the place. The mag says that when she drinks she "craves cocaine" immediately and "will go to any lengths to get it." Once she made a friend drive from Hollywood to Santa Monica just to get drugs and then snorted a line off the console of the car while the car was moving. A "friend" says Lindsay is taking Paxil, Xanax, Ativan, Valium and Adderall. "She'll just reach into her bag and take a handful without looking to see who they are." By the by, 15-year-old Ali Lohan partied alongside her sister in Paris. In addition, insiders say a year and a half ago, Lindsay started getting Botox on her forehead and between her eyebrows. A source says "her upper face is practically frozen. Plus she's addicted to lip fillers… I doubt she can feel her lips anymore." Someone else says: "Lindsay is afraid of being alone, so she ends up trolling restaurants in Hollywood that are open 24 hours, where lots of seedy people hang out. She ends inviting some of the lowlifes home." Her favorite pickup line is to tell guys she's not wearing any underwear. "Some of her hookups have already robbed her. She'll wake up and find stuff missing. Half the time she doesn't remember what she did. She could easily end up murdered." Also inside: Taylor Momsen's skirts get shorter and shorter. (See image 11.) As Patsy Stone once said: "One snap of my fingers and I can raise hemlines so high the whole world's your gynecologist!" Whitney Port and Leonardo DiCaprio are dating. Blind item: "Which sweet starlet may be switching teams? Fed up with her baby daddy's drama, she recently confided to a friend that the ladies have been looking really good lately." Jessica Simpson had to rewrite her speech for a gala to benefit Operation Smile: She froze when the teleprompter started and complained that she couldn't even pronounce half the words. Chris Brown wants to keep the orange vest from his community service — as a reminder of how awful things can get if he flips out again. Khloe and Lamar: "It's over already." They had a fight when he got back late from a game and Khloe asked for a back massage. He refused and said she should give him a massage after playing a tough game. They argued; she slept in another room that night, and the next night he went out and flirted with other girls. Britney Spears and Jason Trawick are back on. Jon Gosselin wants to hook up with Kate's best friend, Jamie Cole Ayres. They've always had a secret attraction and now have been sending sexy texts! David Letterman's wife, Regina Lasko, has locked Dave out of their $5 million mansion and he's been sleeping at his apartment in Tribeca. She's not letting him see their son Harry, either. He's been sending jewelry and flowers, but it's not working. Brad and Angelina have "given up" disciplining their kids; they're not into yelling at them or something. The kids have dinner around 11pm — a "smorgasboard of snacks." There's no set bedtime of when to sleep or where to lay their heads. The kids sleep in Brad and Angie's bed and wear whatever they want. "Sometimes Zahara falls asleep in her Sleeping Beauty dress, which has permanent chocolate milk stains on it." Pax and Maddox are raising a child army: They shoot paint guns in the house, fire plastic arrows at the nanny, and have enlisted Shiloh and Zahara to join their ranks. Oh, and Maddox wanted to pierce Vivienne's ears himself, with a pin, but Angie decided to have it done professionally.
Grade: B+ (sauteed spinach)

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Apparently attempt to limit the damage to international communications , Summit Pictures released the new image out on Labor Day, when presumably they hoped to sneak them past the angry Twilight mobs roaming the internet. If so, the hope was in vain.

The new picture, featuring stars Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson staring at each other, has sparked a frenzy of speculation as fans try to piece together what their open mouthed expressions mean, what the expressions tell us about New Moon and Twilight issues in general, and beyond that, what they say about our chances to survive as a species on a planet where you and a cute guy can really really like each other but for really stupid reasons not be able to be together.

At the Twilight fan site hisgoldeneyes.com partisans attempted to unravel the meaning of Bella and Edward's gaze in the 400 long and counting comments section.

Speaking on a basic formal level, commenter Jordan attempted to establish some context:

I think its the scene after the B-Day party. If you zoom up close to Edwards eyes, they look gold. When they came back from Italy, his eyes were black, because he didn't eat n a while.

That's a theory backed up by Monica who wrote:

Yeah Jordan is right. It's after the birthday party. Plus Edward looks like he's wearing the same jacket as he was during the party. Plus his eyes are gold there.

And no Laura, Edward's lips are supposed to be red when he's not thirsty. Gold, Pale and Red. That's Edward for ya.

Peering beyond the mere tactical concerns, Simply Bee attempted to grapple with the philosophical issues raised by the image:

You know something. I haven't even given my two cents about the picture. I think it's depressing the looks they are sharing with eachother make my stomach tie up into a nervous not of anticipation to see what words will go along with the expressions. They both look so lost and like they are grasping onto the remnant of humanity they have left, if they lose one another then they also lose their selfs. It's kind of heart wrenching.

Over at bellaandedward.com discussed centered around the critical question of whether the inches of fabric wrapping around Kristen Stewart are from the front of a dress or a tank top. If the former, it would indicate that the scene we are looking on may take place after the pair's Italian sojourn, and thus that the ring shown here may be the engagement ring Edward bestowed upon Bella and that what we may be looking upon, and it is hard to understate the consequence of this — if one can picture the moment when some fuzzy images come to us from a deep space probe and it slowly dawns upon humanity that we are seeing the first images of extra-terrestrial life — this may in fact be a shot from the Proposal Scene itself.

Tempting as that possibility is to many, a few harded debunkers on the bellaandedward boards attempt to shoot it down. Writes pitiless commenter Megan:

You guys are morons. They don't get engaged until Eclipse. That is the same ring that she wore in Twilight on her right hand index finger. Pay attention little girls.

Which Katelyn seconds:

It cant be after italy, she looked like crap after italy and she wasnt dressed nciely or had her hair done, and even if she did, she just woke up after a day of sleeping, so her hair coudlnt look that good anyway, and edward is in a a suit. def after her birthday party

Over at twilightsource.com, commenter Sarah weighs the many issues raised by the image and delivers her final verdict,

OMG. I think this picture just really shows how much Chris is putting into this film. The make up is PERFECT. Bella is pale, compared to "standard" humans, but Edward, OMG, Edward is a chalky, stark white. EXACTLY like a vampire SHOULD be. He conveys so much pain and love through his eyes, like he is sorry for what he did (or is going to do) and just wants to kiss her and tell her it's ok. Gosh. CHRIS WEITZ YOU RULE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

In related news, vampire fans making the pilgrimage to Northern Utah can now get lost in a giant field of corn carved to resemble Twilight rivals Edward and Jacob. Inexplicably, the space aliens who created this maze carved a little local TV reporter holding a microphone into the corn next to the vampires.

Below we evaluate the field and try to make sense of this all-important contest. Whose name are tomorrow's independent book store clerks going to scribble with little hearts around on in their mock-elementary school notepads?

The critical attributes: anemic complexion and disposition; fixed expression of terror at the big, scary world; credible devotion to obscure bands; still owns and fits into his childhood summer camp warddrobe. Past work with Kristen Stewart or Zooey Deschanel vital. Stutter strongly encouraged.

Candidates who were initially child stars have the strong advantage of being raised in hothouse environment which enforces stunted emotional development, like Catalina Island buffalo.

The Contenders:

Joseph Gordon Levitt
Strengths: Looks as though he has been protected from sunlight since birth. Had small role in hipster ironic landmark Family Ties. Appeared in two classics of hoodie cinema — Brick and 500 Days of Summer. In the latter, had a relationship with a girl based on their common love of The Smiths. Went to Columbia University where he studied French Poetry. Maintains a website on which he features short films.
Weaknesses: Also appeared in 3rd Rock From the Sun which is decidedly not part of the ironic canon. Didn't ever wear a hoodie in 500 Days.
Kristen or Zooey: Zooey in 500 Days.
The Morning Line: On paper, this kid has it all. Would be a serious contender for the title even if Cera were still at his height. The only question is has he peaked and revealed too many hipster credentials too fast?

Jesse Eisenberg
Strengths: Has perfected world class look of terror and befuddled amazement. Mother was a clown. Did entire film in 80's garb. Appeared in indie films while still very young.
Weaknesses: Despite perpetually adolescent jew-fro, mature range of expression is upsettingly evocative of burgeoning adulthood.
Kristen or Zooey: Kristen in Adventureland.
The Morning Line: A strong contender; making an 80's period piece was an inspired play to the hoodie base the importance of which can not be underestimated. However, outbreaks of adulthood can not be ignored and ultimately may prove crippling.

Emile Hirsch
Strengths: Mother designed pop-up books. Specializes in playing intense and offbeat dreamers. Learned how to skateboard for Lords of Dogtown.
Weaknesses: Cleans up a bit too well, as demonstrated in Speed Racer. Conventionally not quirkily handsome. Tends towards athletic, active characters.
Kristen or Zooey: Kristin in Into the Wild.
The Morning Line; Has some strong off-beat appeal but ultimately might have soaked up a bit too much California sunshine in his Malibu youth to effectively represent Hoodie Nation.

Jon Foster
Strengths: Hippie parents. Steady run of indie films. Broke into public view in a landmark young-man-confused-and-frightened-by-sex role in The Door in the Floor. Has experimented with alternative facial hair.
Weaknesses: About to go into the least hoodie realm in entertainment — CBS primetime sitcom land.
Kristen or Zooey: Neither, but appeared in The Informers with America's Ur-hoodette Winona Ryder.
The Morning Line: A long shot candidate, but if the front-runners falter, has some indie credibility.

Robert Pattinson
Strengths: British. No one does silently suffering better. Plays guitar.
Weaknesses: Way way too good looking.
Kristen or Zooey: Owns the Kristen franchise.
The Morning Line: Naming Pattinson Tweeheart would essentially be like the Republicans nominating Dennis Kucinich, but with a candidate this strong, stranger things have happened in politics. If Hoodie Nation feels itself in danger, it may be willing to take some extraordinary risks.

Jason Schwartzman
Strengths: A Tweeheart Emeritus, in the event of a deadlock, could come out of retirement to serve one more term.
Weaknesses: In Funny People made a fatal change in type from mopey guy to annoying roommate — a hard role to position yourself as a heart-throb.
Kristen or Zooey: Neither but appeared a short feature with Natalie, which is kinda the same.
The Morning Line: America loves a comeback, but in the end being the Tweeheart is a young man/boy's game.

And most of all we wish good luck to the hoodied girls of America who will make this fateful choice. Our future is in your hand.

We hack the pages of In Touch, Star, Ok!, Us and Life& Style, in the gallery below.

Ok!
"Engaged!"
This story is ridiculous, because the "proposal" being referred to "on set" is the one happening as part of the plot of Eclipse when Edward asks Bella to marry him. But! The magazine prints the sentence: "Life might just imitate art." Kristen Stewart apparently jokes around with Robert Pattinson on set, saying things like, "Has anyone seen my husband?" Next: Halle Berry is obviously pregnant because she went to Nobu with boyfriend Gabriel Aubry, held her bag in front of her stomach, wouldn't eat any raw fish and refused to drink the complimentary wine sent to the table. Lastly: Rihanna still has feelings for Chris Brown, according to a friend. "She gets missing Chris and the shit starts all over. A kiss and a slap, a kiss and a slap. Right now she's feeling strong, but she's switched gears in the past and taken him back."
Grade: F (hard drive corrupted)

Life & Style
"Inside Shiloh's World"
Angelina Jolie took Shiloh to Corsica for the day and they split a panini. Shiloh's taste buds are becoming more sophisticated, blah blah blah. She told her parents, "I want to do what mommy and daddy do for a living," so expect her to be taking over Hollywood any day now. Moving along: The Spears family had a reunion when Britney flew her mom, sister and the baby to Miami to spend time with her, her dad and her kids. Michael Lohan says he now accepts Lindsay and Sam's relationship and apologizes for anything bad he might have said about Sam in the past. Next, a source says Michael Jackson told his doctors that he couldn't have children because he'd been kicked in the groin during his youth. Was it Joe? Lastly, Holly Madison says, "Plastic surgery changed my life." She had a nose job and breast implants and says surgery "made it easier to get things I wanted in my career. Without it I wouldn't be where I am today. Living with Hef brought down my self-esteem a lot. I was comparing myself to the other girls. Hef always said he didn't want me to get anything done." If you're interested in her old nose, you're in luck (Image 6).
Grade: D- (Gmail down)

Us
"Their Exes Speak Out"
Lots of pictures of LeAnn Rimes and Eddie Cibrian frolicking on the beach in Mexico together! The two went on a four-day trip to celebrate LeAnn's 27th birthday. Sources claim that Dean Sheremet and Brandi Glanville — the respective spouses — are becoming friends. Now, there's nothing in here about Dean being gay, but he "broke his silence" and talked to Us at an August 29th performance of Wicked on Broadway. Dean and LeAnn "talk every day" says a friend. "He's trying to date, but it's hard, because she's so controlling. She was like the man of the house." Moving on: Is Britney "smarter in glasses"? 83% say No (Image 7). Despite his ongoing flirtation with Jennifer Aniston, Gerard Butler is "pretty much dating every girl in New York City," says a source. Lastly: Us calls out Demi Moore for claiming never to have had plastic surgery. Maybe she doesn't consider Botox or facial fillers to be "surgery," but what about the implants (Image 8)?
Grade: D- (AIM worm)

Star
"Loveless Marriage"
Apparently when Tori and Dean first met, they were working on a TV movie together, and Dean thought Tori "looked like a horse" and joked that she'd need a paper bag over her head for him to kiss her. But he planned on making friends with her because she'd be a good contact. So the gist of this is that he only married her for money and fame and doesn't care about her. Yawn. Moving on: Stephanie Pratt's new lips "look natural" according to Dr. Paul Jarrod Frank, who does not treat her (Image 9). Britney Spears has been begging Jason Trawick to come back, texting and emailing constantly, and asking, "Don't you miss me?" Blind item! "Which hunky actor and his equally hot actress wife were recently seen snorting lines of cocaine at the Chateau Marmont? When spotted, they took the party back to their room." Renée Zellweger and Bradley Cooper are "playing house." They're both off promoting things now, but when she gets back to LA she's going to live with him at his place; he's set up a bathroom she can call her own! He may pop the question by the end of the year. Pregnant Nicole Richie "almost collapsed with grief" when she heard about DJ AM, says an insider. Now Joel Madden and her parents are worried because she's not really eating; a doctor has put her on bed rest. Lastly: A story claims that Ashlee Simpson "kicked Pete Wentz out" because she discovered evidence of him cheating on her, but never says what the evidence was, and also claims that she left the house in a fury and checked into a hotel. So how is that kicking him out? Oh, she did call him and say, "Don't bother coming home." Anyway, she is now on the Pete Diet; he gets her so upset, she can't eat.
Grade: D- (iPhone frozen)

In Touch
"Separated!"
A house divided! Angelina and Brad are "not only sleeping in separate beds, they are sleeping on opposite ends of the property." According to a "friend." Brad used to be "happy, gregarious and social," but Angelina "picks holes in his personality" and "belittles him on every subject possible from his parenting to his lack of knowledge about current affairs." An insider says Brad is really shy now and uses booze as a crutch to socialize now. He drinks to escape his inner turmoil! Plus, Brad purchased Chateau Miraval's winery, and the mag asks: "Is it really A good idea for Brad to buy a vineyard?" Because Brad and Angie feel "guilty" about their "crumbling relationship," they're spoiling the kids: They have theme days! Everyone dresses up as characters from movies or books, like James Bond or Harry Potter. "They had a Wizard Day, with magic potion punch to drink, and they had to solve clues to go to wizard college," spills a source. Next: Ever since Jason Trawick broke up with Britney Spears, her dad Jamie Spears has been trying to keep her busy so she doesn't go crazy again. Apparently Jason made Britney feel "beautiful and sane." Jermaine Dupri has been seen with other women since breaking up with Janet Jackson, and now her "baby dreams are shattered." A doctor had encouraged her to freeze her eggs, but this story doesn't say whether she did or not. But, the mag helpfully points out, "at least she has Michael's kids." A friend of Madonna's says she's casually dating Jesus but still considers Sean Penn her soul mate and it's "highly possible" that she and Sean will get back together now that he's getting divorced, even though Sean and Madonna got married TWENTY FIVE YEARS AGO. Lastly: "Was Lindsay Really Robbed?" Looking closely at the surveillance video images of the alleged burglar, it seems like maybe Lindsay Lohan robbed herself (Image 10). Was it so she wouldn't have to give the jewelry back? Was it so she could break her lease? Michael Lohan says it was an inside job and that the person "tried to make themselves look like Lindsay." But did Lindsay try to look like a burglar looking like Lindsay? Because that would be meta. Anyway: Lindsay has also maybe been cutting herself again (Image 11), which the mag calls a cry for help.
Grade: D (Facebook firewall)

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Click "full size" to enlarge.

Ok!
Missing in Action!

Us
"How He Tricked Her." If you care about The Bachelorette, then you may want to know that a body language expert found Ed Swiderski's eyes were full of lies. We don't care, so we don't want to know. Also inside: A source says that Bradley Cooper and Renée Zellweger are "100% seeing each other." The only reason they didn't say anything before was because he was seeing Jennifer Aniston at the same time, but wasn't as into her as she was into him. Rachel McAdams and Josh Lucas: Splitsville. Also inside: When Jon Gosselin was home with the kids, he only played with them when the cameras were rolling. The rest of the time, he was smoking and talking on his cell phone. Jon complained to a group of photographers outside his house: "They think I'm messing around and not a good father, but I'm on my cell phone all day working, trying to make money and take care of my kids." Sparklevamp Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart spent three nights together in his hotel room. An insider says: "They're not boyfriend-girlfriend exactly, but they've definitely hooked up." And the guy who plays Bella's dad says: "If they want to date each other, fine! Look, when you're that age, you're going to make mistakes. You're going to date people you probably shouldn't date. It's all part of the growing process." See, Twilight is real, and he's afraid Sparklevamp is gonna bite Kristen. Lastly: Jessica Simpson is turning to alcohol to deal with her breakup. She was smashed at Ken Paves' birthday party! Who among us has not gotten drunk at our hairdresser's bash? Ooh, and a source says John Mayer has naked pictures of Jessica on his cell phone, and showed his friends at lunch.
Grade: F (disemvoweling)

In Touch
"Angelina Humiliates Brad."
At the Hollywood premiere of Inglourious Basterds, Angelina "literally hogged the spotlight" from Brad, "making him look foolish." She was wearing a strapless leather cocktail dress, "and completely upstaged Brad." If she hadn't gone, the headline would have been: ANGIE ABANDONS BRAD. But since she showed up, there are six pictures of the two of them, with commentary like "Their tense arrival" and "Angelina won't stand back." (Fig. 1) There's also a picture of Angelina in her black strapless leather dress next to an image of Jennifer Aniston's Elle cover, where Jen is also wearing a black leather strapless dress and the subhead reads, "Angelina Stole Jen's Look!" Another spread has a collection of pictures in which Brad is made out to be an exhausted, heavy-drinking slob now that Angie is in his life. During their relationship, "He's gone from hot to haggard." And! In the table of contents, it says, "Angelina's Wearing Brad Down." (Fig. 2) Also inside: "They Look Like Mr. T!" (Fig. 3) Lastly: Ellen Pompeo is having a girl, if you care.
Grade: F (Morse code)

Life & Style
"They're Back On!"
Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart shared a hotel room at Chateau Marmont from August 6 to August 8, and were spotted hanging out at various events all weekend. They were photographed separately taking smoke breaks on the room's balcony. The mag claims they had dinner on the hotel's back patio and were holding and kissing. A witness says: "The alcohol helped him shed his inhibitions and they could hardly keep their hands off each other toward the end of the evening." Though the cover says "Robert confirms he's dating Kristen," this is what they mean by that: Apparently New Moon costar Nikki Reed said something like "I saw the pictures [of you and Kristen]. I thought you were going to keep it secret" to Rob on an Alaska Airlines flight, and he said, "keep your voice down." Not exactly a "confirmation." Also inside: Kim Kardashian has dyed her hair — and eyebrows — honey blond. She says: "I definitely needed a change in my life… I have this whole new outlook and personality. It had transformed my attitude." Kate Hudson's biological father, Bill Hudson, is using the magazine to try and send messages to Kate. Moving on: "Khloé: I'm Not On Cocaine." This is a teaser for Kourtney And Khloé Take Miami, where you'll see that Khloé has coke in her bag. But she has a good reason! Lastly, Heidi Montag says: "I'm not wearing anything in the Playboy pictures. My skin is my accessory."
Grade: D (semaphore)

Star
"Divorce!"
The only source in this Sarah Palin "shattered marriage" story is Mercede Johnston, Levi' sister. She says Sarah and Todd are fighting all the time, and Todd ends up sleeping on the couch. Bristol used to tell Levi that Sarah and Todd would argue over the smallest things, like whose turn it was to do the dishes, and sometimes Todd would take off for days to his cabin in Eureka to get away from all the tension. Let's just remember that Mercede is 17 and is talking about her brother's ex-girlfriend's parents. She also says that after Bristol got pregnant, Todd and Sarah were yelling at each other a lot. Um, yeah. An Alaskan blog The Immoral Minority ran a headline: "Sarah And Todd Palin Are Splitsville." The blog claimed that Sarah had purchased land in Montana and was considering relocating there with the kids. Plus! After a fight, Sarah threw her wedding ring into Lake Lucille. An insider says the couple might come to a financial agreement for Todd to stay with Sarah and "give the impression of a loving husband" — at least through her book tour next year. Related: 15-year-old Willow Palin was caught on video drinking vodka (with a chaser of Mountain Dew) and taking a hit off of a joint at a party. Also inside: Like us, Star now watches for Photoshop of Horrors (Fig. 4). Unsolicited uterus update: Pénélope Cruz "bump alert" picture shows a very small baby "bump." Blind item: "Which singer is such a diva that she wears bright red lipstick to bed? She recently made her hubby go out at 10pm to get a replacement tube of her favorite shade." More about Kristen and Rob's "Hot Hotel Hookups!" The story begins thusly: "When Robert Pattinson's room is rocking, don't come knocking." Rob Pattinson had a guitar delivered to his hotel room so he could serenade Kristen Stewart. The magazine asks: Did Rob put a ring on it already? Kristen was seen wearing a ring on THAT finger. Gosselin news: "It's All-Out War!" They're doing things to annoy each other: Kate threw out Jon's favorite grill and most of his favorite shirts, except for one "special" Ed Hardy shirt, which she slashed with scissors and left out for him to see. She's been threatening to get rid of his tractor. She put up a no smoking sign and taught the kids to chant "smoking kills," and she taunts Jon by saying he's fat and ugly. Jon's been leaving cigarette butts lying around the house, and Kate's sensitive about her age, so he calls her "granny" to see if he can make her cry. Next: True Blood's Alexander Skarsgård played a suicidal transvestite named Geert in a 2006 indie flick, check out a pic (Fig. 5)! Lastly: Jessica Simpson is planning to write a multi-million dollar tell-all, which will spill details about her ex-boyfriends and her "love luggage" — her weight. Tony Romo liked her to dress up as a cheerleader, but with garter belts, stockings and high heels. And he'd bring food into the bedroom. John Mayer would talk baby talk in bed and was always begging her to experiment — he wanted her to go to sex parties "just to look." Jess might reveal how she fell for Dane Cook while filming Employee Of The Month "when he made her laugh so hard he made her pee her pants on the set." And! A source says: "She'll probably write about one wild night she had with Jude Law in New York, and how close she came to being his baby mama."
Grade: C- (braille)

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Ok!
"Obsessed With Each Other."
He's is in New York shooting Remember Me and she's is in L.A. shooting The Runaways, but Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart are constantly calling and texting each other. Rob invited Kristen and new BFF Dakota Fanning to come and hang out with him in NY one weekend — his treat. An insider says of Kristen's boyfriend Michael Angarano: "While Dakota likes Michael, and he's really sweet to her, she's on Team Rob." Yet! Michael isn't ready to give up on Kristen — he is "re-romancing" her and wrote her a song, which he played to her on his guitar. Lastly: Has Britney met Mr. Right? Her agent, Jason Trawick is "fiercely protective" of her, but another insider says Jason only hangs around Brit because he's protecting his investment. "Britney's dad pays him a lot of money," says a source.
Grade: F (cigarette burn)

Life & Style
"It's Official! Yes, We're Dating."
Interesting cover line, since at no point in this magazine does either Robert Pattinson or Kristen Stewart say that they are dating. In fact, there's anecdote about Rob hanging out and going back to his hotel with Emilie de Ravin. (She's in Remember Me, so they're probably staying at the same hotel, but whatever.) Moving on: Katie Holmes is "pushing Tom aside" by focusing on her dancing. "Dancing for her is about independence," an insider says. "She needs to keep life interesting." Miley Cyrus has dumped Justin Gaston for Nick Jonas, who is a better choice because he wears clothes (Fig. 1). Denise Richards tells the mag "Why I Had Three Boob Jobs." She went from an A cup to a C to a double D and now down to a B — her first surgery was in 1991 when she was only 19. She says, "I wish I'd waited. I wish I hadn't done it. There are so many things that enhance your chest these days without surgery." She talks about scar tissue and implant hardness and says she doesn't like to be put under — well why would you have elective surgery? Anyway she still has implants, they're just smaller, and "fit her body." You know what else would fit her body? The ones she was meant to have. Next: Kate of Jon & Kate fame is caught on camera hitting (spanking) her daughter. Horrors! Kate says (through a Bravo rep): "Whether the paparazzi are there or not, I am a mother first… I love my children, and when they misbehave, I discipline them as I deem appropriate for the situation." Also inside: Gisele is three months pregnant. Oh, look: A picture of Megan Fox before she was famous (Fig. 2). Kristin Cavallari admits that The Hills is pretty fake: "When the cameras are rolling, its fun to play it up," she says: "I'm having a good time playing the part — but I really do think of myself as a good person." This week in Dr. Rey's Casebook (Fig. 3), it's "Whose Nose Fits Her Face Best?" Kate Hudson's nose "would look cuter" with Carrie Underwood's tip. Fergie's nose "could use some slimming." The funny thing is that both of these ladies probably already had work done, right? Lastly: Don't miss the "Stars' Figure Flaws Fixed" pages, in which "flaws" include "pear-shaped," "tall," and "athletic."
Grade: D (punching in stomach)

In Touch
"Caught Hitting Her Daughter."
Exclusive photos! Kate Gosselin smacked her kid on the bottom. She was on the phone and Leah was blowing her whistle and Kate told her to stop — Kate said "Did you hear me?" stormed over, grabbed the kid and then "hit" her. Then "Leah grabbed her bottom in pain." Then there's a sidebar pictures illustrating how Kate is always distracted by her phone. "Kate might be too selfish to take care of all these kids," says a child psychiatrist who does not treat anyone involved. The mag talks to someone from Project No Spank, and you guess what they think. Next: A six-page story titled "Bad Plastic Surgery — Fixed?" Britney Spears had her implants too soon and regretted it! Jessica Simpson used "that Restylane stuff" and her lips were too big! Heather Locklear was puffy; Madonna's cheek implants gave her a "sucking on a lemon" look. (Fig. 4). In Brangelinaston news, Brad Pitt went to Jennifer Aniston's house because he has a "passion for architecture" and wanted to check it out. Jen "may have had ulterior motives," though, because when Brad showed up, Jen emailed a friend saying, "He's here! Wish me luck!" Jen showed Brad around and "babbled nonstop" about the windows and details. "Sensing she was nervous, Brad touched her shoulder and said warmly, 'This place is fantastic.'" Then they chatted about "everything and nothing." According to the mag, "She told him that she missed him, and he told her that they'll make up for all the time they've lost over the last few years." WAIT, WHAT? LOL. He also told her he loved her, but "said it like friend." "But it still made Jen's stomach drop." Moving on: LeAnn Rimes has told her husband that she's ready to file for divorce. Katie Holmes "Can't Get Out Of Her Style Rut," (Fig. 5). A therapist named Dr. Wanis, who does not treat Katie, says: "When a woman dresses down, she isn't feeling good about herself. There has to be something missing in her life." Hear that? If you're wearing jeans and a knit hat, your life is incomplete!
Grade: D+ (slapping face)

Us
"The Hills Made Me Bulimic."
This is a tragic tale of how Stephanie Pratt started bingeing and purging once she was on the show. She says: "I thought, the camera adds ten pounds, I need to lose ten pounds… I became obsessed with spray-tanning because I thought being tan made you look thinner… I would wake up in a good mood, and I would try to eat thin —" this involved eating balsamic vinegar and drinking water with cayenne pepper — "and then I would read some blog." The blogs called her She-Pratt and said she needed to quit the show and go to the gym. Right before The Hills crew would show up, she would eat a pizza, then a grilled cheese and french fries, "I would be sitting in my room stuffing it down, not even tasting it," she says. "And then I'd go and throw up and I'd let them in while I was brushing my teeth. It was the only thing that felt good." She says having pool parties on the show made her self-conscious. "I think it's better to be called too skinny than too fat," she says. "I think fat is one of the most hurtful things you can call a girl." Moving on: Britney Spears and Jason Trawick sleep in the same hotel room when traveling — Jason checks into another room but then sneaks in. Oh, look, Megan Fox's "Crazy Quotes" (Fig. 6). Where have we seen that before? Lastly: Pink and Carey Hart plan on renewing their vows later this year, aww.
Grade: C (spanking bottom)

Star
"Britney Getting Married!"
Britney and Jason were in the Bahamas (with Brit's dad and kids) and Brit and Jason "shared a special night." Jason told Britney that he thought she was The One, and she said she felt the same! Then he popped the question. She said yes, and they opened a bottle of champagne. The mag claims Brit was excited because it's the first time a guy has proposed to her (her other two marriages she instigated.) As a souvenir, Britney kept the champagne bottle — and took a self-portrait photo, so she could always remember just how she felt at that moment. No engagement ring has been picked out, though Jason did buy Brit a quartz ring from the Atlantis gift shop. Brit told him she doesn't care about getting a ring, "she just wants to be his wife." The mag prints wedding plans: Brit is thinking about a December date and wants an old-fashioned Southern wedding in Louisiana. Jamie-Lynn would be the maid of honor and her sons would be ring-bearers. Britney's dad will make Jason sign an air-tight pre-nup, etc. The honeymoon will be in Costa Rica, where Jason and Brit first started falling for each other, and they can use Brit's friend Mel Gibson's house! Moving on: Saved By The Bell 2.0, is kind of a funny sidebar (Fig. 7). Ashlee Simpson was overheard telling a friend that she wouldn't let Bronx get plastic surgery until he's at least 18. "And she said she'd never even tell him about her own, unless he asked directly." Blind item! "Which world-famous hottie will only hook up with women who don't know who he is? At a recent bash, one babe played along, only to be dismissed when she let his real name slip." Emilie de Ravin and Robert Pattinson were spotted in a bar in NYC and "definitely looked like a couple." Neil Patrick Harris and partner David Burtka are in the process of selecting a surrogate mother to carry their baby, and of course, they are using the same agency Sarah Jessica Parker is using! They'll be using Neil's sperm, FYI. Barack Obama has decided to stop coloring his hair. An insider says: "Barack will probably be totally gray by the end of his first term… He thinks it makes him look more distinguished." Kate Gosselin was caught kissing her bodyguard, Steve Neild, by her daughter Mady. While on vacation, Kate thought the kids were asleep, and she and Steve were talking in her bedroom. Mady came to the door and saw them "share a quick, gentle kiss." Mady started crying and ran to tell her sister, Cara. According to the mag, "It was far too much for a child of 8 to process." Next is the Real Houswives Of New Jersey bombshell: Danielle Staub sex tape! She dumped Steve Zalewski in an episode on June 9, and Steve says: "Not only does she want to have sex all the time, but she loves the thrill of doing it in public places where she might get caught. She wanted to make love in restaurant bathrooms basically every time we went out…" One night, Danielle and Steve were in a parking lot next a church. Steve says: "We were making love on the hood of our car, and someone inside the convent started flashing a light on and off from the window and rattling the blinds. Danielle thought it was hilarious and wanted to keep going, but I insisted we split." There are a "couple of videos" of the two performing "a sex act" and playing with sex toys. Steve is weighing his options regarding selling these. "She cost me so much money, why shouldn't I make a few dollars?" And! Steve says Danielle's ultimate goal is to pose for Playboy, but "She'll probably have to get her boob job touched up first."
Grade: C+ (sent to bed without dinner)

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OK!
"Yes! They're In Love." ZOMG! Sparkle vampire Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart are secretly lusting after each other. "Although Robert knew Kristen had a boyfriend, he made no secret of the fact that he was crazy about her," says a "source." Relationship expert Dr. Gilda Carle sez: "That's a classic male pattern. Guys go after girls they can't get, like dogs chase cars they can't drive." Wait, dogs long to drive?!?!?! Lastly, there's a spread called "Inside Adam Lambert's Makeup Bag." He likes MAC eyeliner, OPI nail polish and Define Me eyeliner.
Grade: F (paddled in front of class)

Life & Style
"On-Set Secrets." Lots of pictures from the set of New Moon and "secrets" about Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart such as , "They were happy and laughing throughout filming," and "They seemed comfortable with each other." Shocking, since this is the second movie they've done together! After the MTV Movie Awards, Rob and Kristen went out to dinner and were seen holding hands and "exchanged a few sweet pecks." Where? On the cheek? Or on the lips??? Then they went back to a "private chateau" at a hotel and didn't emerge till the next day, when Rob "planted a kiss" on Kristen and then drove off. "I bet they're doing it," an insider says. Hard-hitting journalism right there! Moving on: Brad's "talking" about baby number 7 because he said to the press, "We'd love another. Who knows, maybe we'll have one in London." A story called "A Baby For Beyoncé" speculates that when her tour ends, she'll get knocked up. This is illustrated by a picture of Bey with Jay-Z's hand on her tummy. Yet, the article states, "Beyoncé is in no rush to have children." Lastly, in Dr. Rey's Casebook, it's "Who Has The Most Flawless Eyes In Hollywood?" Rihanna, who is 21, has a "youthful gaze." Molly Sims, 36, "looks a bit weary." Anne Hathaway would "perk up" with Ginnifer Goodwin's eyes (Fig. 1).
Grade: D- (knuckes hit with ruler)

Us
"Mommy, You Are Mean!" Kate Gosselin took the kids to Bald Head Island in North Carolina, even though the two oldest ones had to miss school. A fellow vacationer says, "When Kate sat at the edge of the pool, she told one of her daughters, 'If you splash me, you are dead meat.' She was not joking at all. The child's reply? She said, 'Mommy, you are mean.'" Wow. Scandal. The mag talks to a classmate from Kate's highschool, who says she always had that snappy attitude. A nurse who used to work with her says, "When you see her temper tantrums, that's Kate." The brother of Jon's alleged mistress says he will sell the bed his sister and Jon slept in on eBay. Any takers? Next: Hey look, a bunch of people who were virgins in their 20s (Fig. 2)! Madonna is getting cooking lessons from Jessica Seinfeld so she can cook Brazilian dishes for Jesus. Eddie Cibrian's wife Brandi says LeAnn Rimes is desperate for her husband's loving! "LeAnn is a stalker. She refuses to leave us alone — it's shameful and scary. People are going to say it takes two to tango, and I get that. But at some point, LeAnn needs to stop asking him to dance." OH SNAP. New Moon on-set secrets: When Rob and Kristen were filming their kissing scene, they used tongues! And! Rob's hand stayed on Kristen's back a little longer than needed. ZOMG VAMPIRE LOVE. Also, at one point, she threw herself on him, but instead of calling him Edward, she called him Rob! Lastly: Brooke Hogan once said she thought her mother Linda was using drugs. Linda's rep says, "Brooke always had a problem telling the truth — it is her claim that her breasts are natural." Me-ouch! Brooke responds: "When have I ever lied? Do I choose not to talk about my breasts? Yeah, and I choose not to talk about my gynecologist appointments, too." THANK ZEUS.
Grade: D (forced to write something 500 times)

In Touch
"Split!" The mag spoke with Jon's friend Todd Cruz, who says Jon and Kate have been separated for six months: "They're not separated legaly, but they're not in a marriage type of relationship." LOL. Jon broke up with Kate six months ago because he thought she was sleeping with her bodyguard. Then there's a lengthy accusation that Jon is dating a 21-year-old named Amber. A source says he saw Amber and Jon kissing and talking in Jon's car. Apparently TLC has the whole season planned out: The show will present Kate as the angry wife; then have the fallout from pictures of Jon partying with ladies; then Jon will move out and they'll film in his new apartment; then there will be a fake reconciliation for a "happy ending." Moving on: Brad and Angelina are consulting lawyers in case they need to split. Angie supposedly saw a high-profile attorney around Easter when Brad was in France. At Cannes, they were "pretending" to be a couple and actually can't stand to be in the same room together. By the by, at Shiloh's 3rd birthday party, she got a Pottery Barn Kids kitchen set. A source says she loves playing house and especially loves painting Brad's nails. Next: A doctor who does not treat Nicole Kidman says she looks 18-22 weeks pregnant. Is that why she pulled out of a Woody Allen movie? And! Did Penelope Cruz really get food poisoning in Cannes, or are she and Javier Bardem expecting a baby? More Robert Pattinson/Kristen Stewart gossip: After the MTV Movie Awards, they were seen "cuddling and openly kissing" in a restaurant. Diane Lane is standing by husband Josh Brolin, even though, last week's report was that he hooked up with some girl named Melissa. Diane's mother-in-law Barbra Streisand is helping her through it, and both Melissa and Josh deny an affair. Here's a big question: "Why Doesn't Suri Smile Anymore?" (Fig. 3)
Grade: D+ (staying late to clean erasers)

Star
"Kate's Ex-Fiancé Tells All!" The mag spoke with Adam Miller, who met Kate Gosselin right after he graduated high school and she was 18. He says she was "fun and easy-going, not at all like the uptight woman you see on TV." He says she was a sex kitten who liked Ruby Tuesday's. After dating for 2 years, she wanted to get married and have kids. "I felt, deep down, that I was too young," Miller, who was 19, says, "but I caved in." Star: notes that Miller splurged on a $700 half-carat diamond ring from the mall and Kate moved into his parent's house. But! He broke up with Kate after she cheated on him the night of her 21st birthday, Adam says: "She hooked up with some guy in a Corvette — always chasing the money." There are two pages of old pictures from when they were a couple, if you're interested, and an interesting look at "Kate's Transformation," (Fig. 4). She makes weird choices when it comes to hair. Moving on: Johnny Depp says he hasn't let any of his kids watch the Pirates movies yet. The mag asks, do you have any ambitions left? Johnny says: "I'd like to grow into being a traditional old man with a beer belly, sitting on the Veranda of our place in France, just staring out over the lawn." More New Moon news: When Kristen and Rob were filming smooch scenes, the director would say cut, and they would "kind of linger and keep kissing." And! After the MTV Awards, at restaurant — with three other people — Kristen and Rob were seen holding hands and kissing! When Kristen went to the ladies room, Rob "planted a kiss on her lips" and waited for her outside of the restroom. When they got back to the table, "Rob held Kristen's hand in his lap, and they both slumped down in the booth, practically lying down," says a spy. "You could tell they just wanted to get out of there and be alone." Even though two weeks ago Carrie Prejean's mom was outed as a lesbian, this week, she declares, "I am not a lesbian." And: "I love men, I've always been with men." The ex-husband of Danielle Staub of The Real Housewives Of New Jersey — who is an ex-con and paid FBI informer, spills all kinds of details about how, when he met her, she was dating a Colombian coke dealer and she's a nymphomaniac and so on and so forth. Next up: Brad Pitt told Jen Aniston that he "feels trapped" and says he can't leave, but doesn't want to stay. And! He hasn't slept with Angie for weeks. An artcle about Mel Gibson's "baby mama" says that giving birth to his eighth child will "mark the high point of her struggle from poverty behind the Iron Curtain to gaining access to the multi-million dollar world of Hollywood." This is illustrated by a bleak, unsmiling black and white photo of her in the Soviet equivalent of the Girl Scouts. (It was taken in 1981). Did you know she was once married to James Bond Timothy Dalton? Blind item: "Which mom-to-be should probably plan a DNA test for after the stork arrives? Several men are loudly insisting that the father is not who everyone assumes." Oooh! "The Hills At War: GIRLFIGHT!" Is about how Kristin Cavallari and Audrina hate each other. And Kristin is going to try and break up Heidi and Spencer. And Heidi and Spencer are jealous of her because they wanted their own show and she just waltzed on as the star. Lastly: "They Were Roomies" is a photo essay of stars who used to live together, like Paula Abdul and Kara DioGuari; Holly Hunter and Frances McDormand and Raven Symone and Lindsay Lohan.
Grade: C- (sitting in corner with dunce cap)

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OK!
Disqualified once again for lack of gossip.
Grade: N/A (The price of fame.)

In Touch
"Brad's Intimate Texts To Jen" Brad and Jen are exchanging texts almost every day, on such intimate matters as whether or not Jen should cut her hair. She was thinking of cutting it short for summer, but thankfully, "He talked her out of it," says a friend, "He told her to just trim it and go blonder." Brad has finally revealed the real reason he left Jen, and it's not just because he was sleeping with Angie. He had bleached his hair, taken flying lessons, and gotten a tattoo, so obviously he was going through a midlife crisis. Now Brad feels like he's living a lie and is trapped with Angelina. Dr. Gilda Carle, who wrote an e-book on fidelity but doesn't treat the stars, said that Brad and Jen shouldn't rush to get back together. "Everything's changed, and he's had all these other experiences," says Carle, "she might not like that new guy that he is." Jen's the same person though, because she's just been thinking about how lonely she is and staring at her phone waiting for Brad to text. Next: Katie Holmes is going to Australia to film her new movie and she's excited to have some time to herself. However, Tom Cruise is upset because this hampers his ongoing plot to impregnate Katie, thus satisfying Suri's insatiable need for more siblings. Jon and Kate Plus 8 have a live-in nanny who is never shown on the TLC show. In closing, let it be known that the following people are dating: Cameron Diaz and Adam Levine of Maroon 5, Audrina Patridge and Chris Pine of Star Trek, Hayden Panettiere and 30-year-old British TV host Steve Jones, George Clooney and a chick named Amber.
Grade: D- (Five finger discount on grapes.)

Life & Style
It's [Not Really] On: The mag claims that Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart are "getting serious" because he introduced her to his parents... at his birthday dinner with other Twilight co-stars in attendance. But, they both ordered the same entree, so clearly they are soul mates. Also they're heading off to "romantic Italy" together, as that is where New Moon is filming next. Next: Angelina's back to "playing mom," after forcing Brad to become a full-time parent while she selfishly went to work on Salt. When the film wraps at the end of the month Brad will start filming his next film, Moneyball, and Angie will stay home with the kids. They've explained in the past that they take turns doing movies so one parent can stay with the kids, but an insider says, "she's unpredicable and restless," so she may take on a new project this summer and flake out on mom duty, "and Brad will once again have to put his career on hold to be with the kids." In a related sob story, Jennifer Aniston says she's "numb to falling in love." Actually, she said when you read a lot of romantic comedy scripts you get numb to the cliche falling in love story. But an insider says she's been trying to numb herself to falling in love as a defense mechanism, "when really, deep down, it's exactly what she wants." Also, Jen has betrayed Smartwater because she was photographed on set holding a tiny bottle of Poland Spring she probably picked up at the craft services table. In other news, Mark-Paul Gosselaar says he's not ashamed of his Saved By The Bell roots. "That image will stay with me for my entire career," he says, "but I'm not looking to shed the persona of Zack. I'm proud of the work I did." Dr. Rey channels Buffalo Bill again, asking, "Who has the best skin in Hollywood?" Michelle Trachtenberg, 23, has a flawless face, but Dr. Rey recommends microdermabrasion, a chemical peel, and laser skin surfacing for 22-year-old Lindsay Lohan. Kate Bosworth's stunning skin should be harvested and grafted onto Kirsten Dunst's face. (Fig. 1) Finally, Life & Style has determined that they give you more gossip for your recession buck than Us (Fig. 2) Hey, we'll be the judge of that, Life & Style.
Grade: D (Markdown on pantyhose.)

Us
"Mom To Monster" The before and after picture of Kate Gosselin Us ran last week was a hit, so they decided to use it again for this week's cover. Kate has "cut a swath of terror" by refusing to speak to Jon this weekend at the kids' birthday party when the cameras weren't rolling, having a TLC-financed makeover, and putting her "career before marriage." There are details from a former baby nurse who says Kate fired 40 nannies in three months before hiring her, neighbors who say she told them she'd sue if they reveal where she lives, and family members who say she's been obsessed with money since the sextuplets' birth. Us also provides a 360 degree look at Kate's "reverse mullet." (Fig. 3) Moving on: Sex and the City wedding! Cynthia Nixon announced her engagement to Christine Marinoni and showed off her ring at a marriage equality rally in New York as co-star Kristin Davis looked on. The dangers of Tweeting: Miley Cyrus and Justin Gaston got roped into going on a double date with Spencer and Heidi via Twitter. Lastly, can you match the pregnant star to her baby bump? (Fig. 4)
Grade: D+ (Alligator cowboy boots they just put on sale.)

Star
"Angie Walks In On Jen And Brad!" ... talking on the phone. Angelina came home late one night from filming Salt and overheard Brad on the phone saying, "Relax Jen. Everything will be OK." A family insider says Angie, "totally flipped out." She screamed at him, "it's her or me!" but it's going to be a tough call for Brad, since the mag says he and Jen "just can't quit each other," and he likes to drunk-dial Jen late at night. In the much juicier story "Mom's Gay Affair!" we learn that Carrie Prejean's mother, Francine Coppola, was having a lesbian fling up until the night her daughter revealed her thoughts on gay marriage and lost the Miss USA crown. There's a picture of Coppola's "secret sapphic passion," Valerie Vetrano, as well as pictures of Coppola (who claims she's related to the director) at a lesbian party in Palm Springs where the two met, and lengthy accounts from sources who say they saw them on dates. Coppola wanted to keep their affair a secret, especially after her daughter started speaking out against gay marriage, but Vetrano said she wasn't going to live her life in the closet. When Star contacted Vetrano, she said, "In my country, in my household, I was raised to be honest and up-front. Yes, Francine and I dated. However, I don't feel comfortable discussing the details of our relationship - no offense." Moving on: Zac Efron has been told that if he wants to be a real star, he has to distance himself from High School Musical, and that means breaking up with Vanessa Hudgens. Zac feels this summer would be a convenient time to dump her, since he'll be filming in New England, but a source says, "Zac does still love Vanessa. He's agonizing about this!" How sweet. Next: Even though Joy Behar explained that she doesn't want anyone but her partner Steve and her daughter at her wedding on a recent episode of The View, Barbara Walters is mad because, "She feels like she gave Joy her big break, and it would only be right to at least ask her to come," says a source. Blind item: Which starlet stays red carpet ready thanks to a steady diet of heroin? But no need to worry about ugly track marks showing up in photos - she injects the drug between her toes. The mag estimates that Kelly Clarskson weighs about 165 pounds. She wants to lose weight for her health, so the mag encourages her by using the headlines "Kelly's BIG Comeback" and "Hungry For A Hit." Melissa Gilbert says that her Little House on the Prarie co-star Shannen Doherty had a one-night stand with her husband and ruined their marriage in her upcoming autobiography Prairie Tale. The incident occurred about five years after the show ended, and Gilbert claims "serial homewrecker" Doherty sought her husband out, "purely because she wanted to be like Melissa," according to a source. Next: Jamie Spears recently caught Britney taking over-the-counter diet pills mixed with Red Bull, which a source says made her, "whacked-out and go on weird rants." Britney's exhaused from touring and turns to the concoction to get her high. She also thinks Jamie tapped her phones and has a device that keeps a record of every number she calls [wouldn't the device be sort of like a phone bill?] Malia and Sasha Obama are "White House Rascals." They sing along to pop music loudly and off-key in their rooms, made the White House cook figure out the recipe for Pinkberry because there isn't a store in D.C., and speak in their own abbreviated sister language. What bothers everyone the most is that they go through the staff's magazines (including Star, of course, looking for new photos of Zac Efron and Nick Jonas. Finally, in this edition of "Best & Worst Beach Bods" we learned that if we want to be bikini ready, professional tennis is not the way to go. For the second week in a row, a mag has labeled Serena Williams body a "worst." (Fig. 5) Other crimes against humanity include having a "pancake butt" like Whitney Port (Fig. 5), having nearly invisible cellulite like Helen Hunt (Fig. 6) , and bending to pick something up while being 57, like Angelica Huston (Fig. 7).
Grade: C+ (Red light special, for some of the night.)




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Life & Style
"Trista & Ryan's New Baby."
Margaret refused to read the cover story, so we won't talk about that. Also inside: A piece called "Brad And Jen Get Close Again" is about Brad visiting a hotel downtown (for a photoshoot), which was super close to the hotel where Jen is staying while shooting The Baster. In the end, they didn't meet up, though. The magazine also alleges that Jennifer Aniston is "dressing like" Angelina Jolie because — GASP — she wore a high ponytail [Fig. 1]. What else? Cameron Diaz will never settle down because a psychologist who does not treat her says "she represents women who recognize that maybe they're not going one partner for a lifetime, and that should be okay." A sidebar about Cammie is titled, "Her Long-Term Loves Never Last." Wait, if they were long-term, how did they not last? Also, Cam gets compared to George Clooney. Rihanna is dating again; the mag links her to three different guys. Ooh, look: A grade-school picture of Michelle Obama [Fig. 2]!
Grade: F (raw, poisonous cashews)

Ok!
"Secrets From The Set"
Here's the "secret": Robert Pattinson, Kristen Stewart and some other New Moon peeps went back to the hotel and jammed on guitars and harmonica. This mag also has a quiz: "Who Is Your New Moon Soulmate?" Also inside: Britney's kids will be able to go with her on the European leg of her tour. There's a glittery pic of American Idol's Adam "Glambert" Lambert [Fig. 3], who says, "I have nothing to hide."
Grade: F (burned chestnuts)

Us
"Affair With Teacher."
Jon Gosselin of Jon & Kate Plus 8 is having an affair with an elementary school teacher named Deanna Hummel, says her brother, Jason Hummel (and five other sources). Jason tell the mag that the two have been dating for three months and "spend tons of time together." Jon only slept over once, but the two would be gone all weekend sometimes. Quoth Jason: "How do I say this? The walls are thin, let's just say that. I mean, no one wants to hear his sister having sex. Let alone with a married dude who's like almost twice her age and who has 8 kids and a maybe-crazy wife." There are pix of Deanna sunbathing at Jon's house in a bikini. And apparently there is video of Jon leaving Deanna's house at 7:30 in the morning. Jason says, "Either Jon didn't care about keeping it a secret or he's the world's dumbest man. He would come over and park one of his three cars right across the street… Dude, when you're sleeping with a woman who's not your wife and TV cameras follow you everywhere, you better keep that quiet. I just think he's such a fucking moron." By the by, Jason used to be a drug dealer.
Grade: C (shelled walnuts)

In Touch
"Jen & Brad Together Again!"
Brad and Jen have been talking frequently on the phone and texting each other, says the mag, and their conversations are "becoming longer and more personal as he confides in her about his current situation." See, apparently the atmosphere at Brad's house is "cold" and his relationship with Angie is falling apart, so Brad is using Jen as a shoulder to cry on. And here's what happened: After Brad visited Angelina on the set of Salt, he drove across town to where Jen's film The Baster was in production. THE PAIR QUIETLY MET FACE TO FACE. "He pulled up in his black SUV," says a source, although Jen's rep denies it. "Jen snuck into his car. They drove around New York City together, talking." And! Jen gave Brad a gold necklace for his birthday in December (???) and he's been wearing it "almost constantly." Dr. Gilda Carle, who does not treat either star, says: "He's letting Jen know that he's available to her, and emotionally involved with her on some level." And that pink braided necklace he's wearing on the cover? Made by Shiloh. Then there's a box titled, "Watch Out, Angelina, Jen's Caught Up To You!" which explains: "If you count all of her movie and television roles, Jennifer has given birth to six children." But! If you count all of Angelina's roles, she is a crazy person and a tomb raider. So. Moving on. Salma Hayek's honeymoon took place on a private island off the coast of Africa where there are only 11 guest bungalows, and yet there are eight extremely intimate kissy beach pix in the mag. Someone was hiding on a boat! Hey, did you know that the surrogate twins are saving Sarah Jessica Parker's marriage? SJP's friends say the twins are just "Band-Aid babies" to keep the couple together. Johnny Depp is a "real life pirate" because he and his family are living on a boat in Puerto Rico; the vessel is called VaJoLiRoJa, which comes from combining the first letters of each family member's name. Raise your hand if you want to live on a boat with Johnny Depp. In the middle of all this celebrity coverage there are two pages on Swine Flu. Hmm. Weird. Reese Witherspoon and Jake Gyllenhaal have been hanging out at her farm 90 miles away from L.A.; a witness saw them at the farmer's market: "They were buying tangerines, holding hands and looked madly in love." Lastly: Is Violet Affleck the new Suri [Fig. 4]?
Grade: C+ (almonds)

Star
"Pregnant Angie's Secrets & Lies!"
Here is the first line of this story: "Angelina Jolie is a jealous, cunning liar who cheated on Brad with a famous rock star, schemed to lure him away from Jennifer Aniston — and even slept with her own mother's boyfriend!" These are the allegations in Andrew Morton's new book. He says she was in an L.A. mental institution in 2000, and hours after her release, she married Billy Bob Thornton. She was so obsessed with him, she threatened to kill herself if he didn't marry her. She was always asking her boyfriends if she could taste their blood. She had a "brief but steamy" affair with a guy her mom knew — who was attached and 20 years older — and she seduced him. She also seduced her mom's boyfriend after her mom had a fight with the guy, but then confessed to her mom and promised to never do it again. An insider says, "I'm told she was pregnant two or three times. She was careless and wasn't ready to be a mom." The insider adds that Angie has always felt regret about those babies she didn't have, which could be why she's determined to have a huge family. Sigh. Angie doesn't want her girls to know about her multiple boob jobs — she had them enlarged before Tomb Raider but reduced afterwards. And! Guess what? Salt will come out at the same time as The Baster. Oh, and the rock star Angelina had sex with "half a dozen" times? Blonde and female. They did it on the beach in Malibu. They were linked summer 2007 to September 2008. We can't guess who it is! Moving on: Halle Berry "bump alert." [Fig. 5] Calista Flockhart and Harrison Ford are trying to adopt a little girl. Blind item: "What funnyman's career might be flagging due to his dependence on downers? After a disastrous comedy set in NYC, he admitted he's hooked on Vicodin. Deadly serious." Jennifer Aniston had the staff of the Greenwich Hotel shut down the pool area so she could go skinny dipping, which is what she does to relax. Katie Holmes has been secretly smoking: A staff member spilled the beans to Tom Cruise, who confronted her. Turns out she's been puffing on and off for a while and is afraid to quit because she'll get fat. Sarah Jessica Parker's surrogate's ex-husband talked to Star and says "Michelle has kids for other people but she hardly ever sees her own son." She also has a tattoo of "the international symbol of bisexuality." Robert Pattinson went to a strip club in Vancouver and got a lap dance from a lady named Kendra, who says he was "Actually kind of shy and not a great tipper." He returned two days later, and asked for Kendra, but she wasn't working, so he left. Sean Penn and Natalie Portman are seeing each other, and their "encounter" was the reason Robin Wright wanted a divorce. Again. "Friends" are suggesting that John Travolta and Kelly Preston adopt a kid to deal with the grief of losing Jett. A "local" says of Jon & Kate Plus 8: "I heard Kate was getting way too close with her personal trainer, so Jon started cheating." Lastly: "Hollywood Prom Night" includes lots of celebs' old pictures — and old noses — and a snap of Verne Troyer, who was Homecoming King [Fig. 6].
Grade: B- (creamy peanut butter)

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A Twilight obsessed MTV News staffer enjoyed the privilege of opening the figurines of Edward Cullen and Bella Swan — at least until that privilege dissolved into a kind of chore, mired in disappointment over the un-Pattinson-y hair, the un-Stewart-y blouse and the glaring lack of a Porch-Bong Accessory Kit. We've included the video below in the spirit of customer service, but really, we know you could take or leave the prototypes. Just as long as the process shapes up in time for a reasonable approximation of bloodthirsty Dakota Fanning this fall, America will withhold its judgment.

• MTV Staffers Unbox The Magical Edward Cullen Doll [MTV News]

She was met at the gate by a couple fanboys with merch to sign, which she did, with a smile. I've attached photographic evidence. [Hollywood PrivacyWatch is written by and for Defamer readers; send your sightings to tips@defamer.com.]

It's your lucky annum, evidently, with MTV's week-long countdown of its favorite ladies of 2008 culminating today in female Twilight fans' victory. And it's really some victory, topping Katy Perry, Britney Spears and Miley Cyrus strictly on the basis of that dizzying moment when a hormone rush coincided with receiving one's biweekly allowance. Or something. MTV puts that vulnerability in slightly nicer terms:

Our sincerest apologies to male Stephenie Meyer lovers, Kaleb the Twilight Guy and, well, me. But even Forks fans of the testosterone persuasion have to admit that Twilight is a franchise driven by sincere, shrieking and borderline-stalker female fans.

Every list is controversial, and MTV News' Men and Women of the Year rankings are sure to get people talking. But ask yourself this: Can Britney Spears (#2) open a feature film at $70 million?

No — but Kristen Stewart can. Alas, she's unlisted. That's hardly of interest to the Women of the Year, meanwhile, who've held forth with page views appreciation as word gets around. So whatever, let them have their fun; Thelma Dennis can't be everyone's favorite heroine of 2008.

• MTV News' Woman Of The Year: Twilighters! [MTV News]

Hardwicke and Summit Entertainment officially confirmed their split on the basis of a late-2009/early-2010 release date for New Moon, according to Variety, a turnaround that Hardwicke declined with the script's first draft delivered only last month. Read: Summit doesn't have the time or inclination to haggle with CAA over Hardwicke's raise, especially facing budget spikes for co-stars Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson and for New Moon's more complex werewolf effects.

Moreover, Nikki Finke cites rumors about cinematographer Elliot Davis and editor Nancy Richardson saving Hardwicke's ass in the first place — not an unreasonable conclusion considering they've been doing it for Hardwicke off-and-on since Lords of Dogtown, sussing what life they could from characters smothered beneath the thick, surface-level sheen for which Hardwicke made her name as a production designer in the '90s. Still, difficult or sketchy or otherwise, nobody can take her biggest opening ever for a female director away from her; if she really wanted New Moon, she could have had it, '09 release or not.

But she didn't, and so begins Summit's new director hunt (if it's not months along already). On one hand, it hardly matters who the hell directs New Moon; the fan base isn't reading the name in the box at the bottom of the one-sheet, and unless Summit recruits, say, Joel Schumacher (God forbid), most critics might even view the switch as an upgrade. That said, we have our own wish list of filmmakers we'd like to see handed the franchise if Summit had any sense of adventure whatsoever:

· Jonathan Levine — Was a Toronto Film Festival sensation in 2006 with his indie thriller All the Boys Love Mandy Lane, which the Weinsteins bought, shelved and relinquished a year later just as Levine's second film, the pot-culture autobiopic The Wackness, was about to become a Sundance sensation. Between his inexpensiveness, his genre smarts and the smoky principles over which he and Kristen Stewart can surely bond, Levine should at least get an interview. Bonus: He's not with CAA!

· Nanette Burstein — If it's still the woman's touch Summit wants, then Burstein should be a front-runner: The Oscar-nominated documentarian had her fiction skeevy pseudoreality breakthrough earlier this year with another young-skewing Sundance hit, American Teen. It flailed at the box office, but so did Hardwicke's last two films before Twilight, so that hardly seems a deal-breaker.

· Tomas Alfredson — We told you back in September that Alfredson's bloody Swedish coming-of-age drama Let the Right One In would endure as the more memorable of this season's chaste young-vampire flicks. The critics have spoken affirmatively (audiences, too, to a lesser degree), and we nominate New Moon as Alfredson's English-language crossover.

· Deborah Kampmeier — The director of Hounddog works fast, cheap and is great with younger actors.

· Larry Clark — Speaking of younger actors, how fantastic would it be to see the man behind Teenage Lust, Kids, Bully and other benchmarks of corrupted youth entrusted with the supernatural romance of Bella Swan and Edward Cullen? And with the indie Summit having the option of releasing New Moon unrated, Clark could raise the bar on interspecial monster sex higher than ever. Probably a longshot, but if you've seen Clark's 2002 masterpiece Ken Park, then you'll know nobody does longshots better. Ahem.

It all reads less like the voice of a British matinee idol than how someone might imagine a British matinee idol might talk. In particular, we had a hard time swallowing all the details about his upcoming shooting schedule, the word "tossers," and—uh—the fact that he'd confide in someone over Facebook that he nailed the teen, taken co-star he's been rumored to have romanced. Of course, there's also the fact that all this comes at the most opportune of moments—as Twilight fades rapidly. All it would take is one deeply twisted special promotions exec with a job on the line to cook up a viral hoax in time to suck the last few drops out of the box office.

Or maybe it's totally real! Consider the evidence:

The one industry observer still paying attention points us today to the IMDB STARmeter, that infallible bellwether of influence and status where the young, cheap cast of Twilight has retained control of the entire top 10. While yes, we know this is subject to change as America primes itself for forthcoming star vehicles like DiCaprio/Winslet's wily thigh-groping exercise Revolutionary Road, but the point remains: This is an unprecedented feat of durability in an era when the average attention span for cultural phenomena is roughly one week. How can the aggregate data of 57 million monthly users be wrong?

OK, fine. You can forget it again.

• 'Twilight' Stars Take Over IMDb's STARmeter [Source]

The Runaways were hugely influential as the first successful all-girl hard rock band; its members included guitarists Jett and Lita Ford, drummer Sandy West, singer-keyboardist Cherie Currie and bassist Jackie Fox. The band was brought together in late 1975 by impresario Kim Fowley, who thought a novelty act of teenaged girls performing in leather and lace would be an easy sell, but the girls ended up proving to be serious and influential musicians with songs like "Cherry Bomb." The band lasted about four years together, falling apart over management and money issues.

With Jett taken care of, we move on to the casting of the next-most-essential Runaway, Lita Ford. Some possibilities:


1. Ali Lohan - Has the four-pack-a-day rasp, and a great motivation to literally run away.

2. Adrienne Bailon - Unhindered by onscreen nudity, and has built-in publicity empire backing her up.

3. Abigail Breslin - Have you seen her shred? Fuckin' radical.

• Kristen Stewart to play Joan Jett [THR]

Surely there's no harm in combating the pressures of carrying a newly hatched franchise on your shoulders by indulging every now and again in a little medicinal vampirenip (available at a nearby WeHo dispensary in a tightly-packed baggie labeled "Transylvanian Power Skunk"). Our only concern is where all this might eventually lead, as studies have proven time and again that vampires are a notorious gateway-monster. We'd hate to see the talented young actress bent over a glass coffee table a few months from now, chattering on about the wonders of Bumble and Bumble hair conditioner at a 4 a.m. werewolf-blow party.

• "Twilight" Star's Pipe Dream [TMZ]