1.) Toes
Tyra had guests this week who get fake toenails put on.

And there were these idiots, who pay $65 a session to have their toes read.

2.) Mariah
She made the talk show rounds. She stumbled on Leno.

Then she went on Larry King Live, where she blinged out his logo.

And then smelled her tits.

Also, Larry serenaded her.

3.) "Where are you?"
Sex Rehab with Dr. Drew premiered this week. One of its cast members, Nicole Narain, was on The Joy Behar Show, where she answered Joy's question a little too literally.

4.) What happens when you slouch in Judge Judy's court.

5.) Cougars
The Insider is taking this taking this cougar thing way too far. Although, I do like the little glimpses of Wasilla townies we get.

Niecy Nash is now literally referred to as "the resident cougar," and for the past two weeks, she's been going on dates with younger men.

Is this supposed to be sexy? Chest stubble and exaggerated nipples?

It reminds me of when Homer got plastic surgery so that Marge wouldn't leave him for a younger man.

And his nipples cried.

6.) Heather from Rock of Love on It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia.
She played a hooker.

7.) Why did Sandals have to ruin a perfectly lovely song?

8.) Jon Gosselin implied that he's on the same professional level as Mary Hart.
And she didn't like it.

9.) Kirstie Alley on her coke days.

10.) Michelle Obama is fun.

It's a devastating charge that stands to upend celebrity religion as we know it — more details and a brief analysis by the Defamer Legal Team follow after the jump.

We know, we know: Racketeering? Scientologists? But they seem so modest! Nevertheless, as we're learning today, it's not just the Catholics who allegedly have ethics-challenged leeches dangling from the flock's soft flesh:

Letterese calls the church a "crime syndicate" and wants it broken up under the Racketeer Influenced and Corrupt Organization [RICO] law, just as the feds have broken up Mafia families.

He singles out Cruise, who's made no secret of his religion, saying that Scientology head David Miscavage is "aided and abetted by the actions of Tom Cruise, his right-hand man for foreign and domestic promotion, as well as for foreign and domestic lobbying. He has assisted the syndicate in acquiring funds and [made] his own donations of money believed to be in the multiple tens of millions of dollars."

One of Letterese's beefs is that the church allegedly uses a business book, Effective Sales Closing Techniques, as part of its teachings. He says this violates his intellectual property rights, since he bought the rights to the book from the widow of author Leslie Dane.

A Scientology spokesman refutes all the claims, particularly the latter, which he said was already thrown out of another court. Scary Hollywood Lawyer Bert Fields, meanwhile, isn't talking on behalf of his client Cruise. We can't blame him, with previous CO$ scandals implicating Smith and Kirstie Alley both suggesting that the Scientologists aren't above calling in a hit when thetans get out of hand. Indeed, the whole thing sets up a scenario eerily reminiscent of the final shot of The Godfather, where a bellowing Cruise resists Katie Holmes inquiries before relenting for exactly one question about the reach of his nefarious religious dealings: "Is it true?" To which he responds with a blank-faced beat, a long stare beneath her severe bangs and, finally, the modulated, memorable reply: "You're being glib."

• Lawsuit goes after Tom Cruise, church [NYDN]

As we all know, Megan's daytime show with a confusing chit-chat theme about all topics under the sun (we assume she was angling for Oprah's spot in the limelight, but why, Megan, why?) was swiftly canceled over a year ago, marking her post-Will And Grace comeback a quasi-disaster. And then there was the case of comeback-seeking Gabrielle Carteris, who debuted Gabrielle in 1995, only to have it canceled within a year. (But hey! She kinda "came back" on The Surreal Life along with Corey Feldman in 2005, right? Well, nevermind.)

But there is one daytime diva whose footsteps Kirstie might consider following, and those footsteps belong to Miss Tyra. The secret to Tyra's success remains a mystery to us, but her repeated usage of fat suits to prove that some kind of fatist conspiracy theory exists seems to keep viewers tuning in. While we doubt Kirstie would dare chub up for the cameras, we'd advise her to force her audience members into the sweaty contraptions.

• KIRSTIE ALLEY SIGNS DEAL WITH OPRAH [People]
• KIRSTIE ALLEY SIGNS DEAL WITH OPRAH WINFREY'S HARPO PRODUCTIONS [Digital Media Net]

June 2006: "Reese Witherspoon: She's Not Pregnant, It's Bloat!" Star Magazine
After Reese played the lawsuit game with Star for claiming she was pregnant, the magazine launched a counterattack with this doozy.

May 10, 2007:"Val Kilmer Goes From Batman To Fatman," The Daily Mail
Among the story's gems were, "where a six pack once rippled on Val Kilmer's chest, now stands what looks more like a rather large beer belly," and "there appeared to be a lot more to Kilmer than once met the eye." But the report does give Kilmer one reason not to just drift off into the waves and end it all then: "Despite his growing paunch, Kilmer appears to be working harder than ever." Yes, believe it or not, Kilmer's expanding waistline didn't prevent him from acting! Astonishing.

November 2004: "260-lb Kirstie: Too Fat For Sex!" Star Magazine
At her worst, Kirstie wasn't exactly adored by the weeklies, who happily decorated their covers week after week with the world's most unflattering photos and cover stories. But rather than suing them all, she used some of the more stellar headlines in her comeback vehicle Fat Actress.

July 2006: "Best and Worst Beach Bodies," National Enquirer
Demi Moore and Britney Spears were inducted into the "Cellulite Hall of Fame," and Michael Douglas and Chris Noth were accused of having frightful bellies. Poor Gerard Depardieu was even ragged on for wearing a thong on a European beach, where aging actors and healthy appetites are heartily welcome.

May 2007: "Best and Worst Beach Bodies," Star Magazine
The award for "Worst Saggy"? Uma Thurman! "Worst Secret Sagginess"? Kate Hudson! Last we checked, Uma and Kate were two of the most beautiful women in Hollywood, no? And poor Hulk Hogan won the title of "Worst Bikini," who "has gone wrong in so many ways," and whose neon beachwear "makes it touch to avoid noticing Hulk's uh, hogans."

[Photo Credits: Popbytes, Celebitchy, Daily Mail, Ms. Magazine]

• LISA MARIE SUES TABLOID OVER WEIGHT GAIN STORY [Us]

In today's episode: Sacha Baron Cohen; Adam Sandler and Richard Dreyfuss; Drew Barrymore; Gwen Stefani and Gavin Rossdale, Omar Epps, and Arye Gross; Hayden Christensen; Jason Schwartzman; Chad Faust; Kirstie Alley; Howie Mandel; Nick Nolte; Mickey Rourke; Heidi Klum and Kathleen Robertson; Dylan McDermott; Lauren Graham; Justin Long; Rob Corddry; Christopher Mintz-Plasse; David Boreanaz; Emily Deschanel and Zachary Quinto; Nicky Hilton, David and Jeff Katzenberg; Christopher Mintz-Plasse; Danny Bonaduce; Brooke White; Monty Hall and Gary Owens.

· I saw Sacha Baron Cohen doing filming as Bruno (gay Austrian) at On Your Marks Studio in Sherman Oaks on Feb. 21st. He was dressed in tight leather black pants with a bedazzeled g-string showing. his hair was frosted blond and straight. He was interviewing parents with their children pretending to be an german / austrian ad agent looking for a child to do a car commercial. He asked questions like : are you willing to film your child with ants? bees or wasps? dogs? ect. very funny.

· Feb 20 - Adam Sandler was in the dining room of the Polo Lounge in a green t shirt at a table with a bunch of little kids. Kind of awesome. Then, in the lobby, a very old woman said, "I want something nice to snack on!" Her date, or friend, or companion, or whatever, an old guy who looked a bit like a shriveled Einstein, said, "Oh, something to do like THIS?"—and mimed shoving a candy bar in his mouth. Would it surprise you if I said that the wisened little man was Richard Dreyfuss?

· I'm simply shocked (shocked!) no one sent in Drew Barrymore at the Derby Dolls game on Saturday night (Feb 16). She sat front and center in the VIP section with some moody hipster types. I later saw her jumping up and down, all smiles talking with star jammer Mila Minute. Maybe Drew's scouting extras for her directorial debut? I've even got some photographic evidence.

· 2/20 Hugo's Studio City - Gwen, Gavin and Kingston Stefani-Rossdale looking magnificent, Arye Gross of "Ellen" notoriety, Omar Epps who only tip waitresses and the last time I saw Hayden Christensen there he hit on me, but I refuse to disclose the identify my sex.

· Feb 25 - This weekend I had two sightings at M Cafe de Chaya on Melrose. Saturday I saw Jason Schwartzman looking very cute with a nice healthy glow. Must be all that delicious Cafe M macrobiotic food! Someone was blocking his car in and he was very patient and polite. Sunday I went back to Cafe M for more deliciousness and saw Chad Faust from the USA show the 4400. I must be one of seven people that watch that show but man is the boy hot.

· Kirstie Alley: Saturday Feb 23 eating at Gingergrass in Silver Lake with two teen age girls and a couple 20 something chicks. One of her guests was eating salad; from the detritus on her plate, KA had KO'd a plate of sauteed meat and rice. KA had no make up and was dressed in large casual clothes. She's full figured but not obese, though some alpha hydroxy or laser around the lips and chin would def be a suggestion—more so than weight loss—for prettying up. No idea what they were gabbing about, they were too far away to eavesdrop on.

· last Thursday (Feb 21), having lunch in the 'bu at coogie's on pch, when who should walk in but the be-chromed dome himself, howie mandel. he was with a couple and the three of them were seated in the booth next to mine. i listened carefully as they discussed what they were going to order and waited to see what it was going to be for howie - a meal or no meal.

· then on friday, again in the 'bu, i was enjoying my delicious high protein burrito from howie's taqueria in the malibu country mart, when i see a tall-ish, dishevelled man walking my direction, wearing diaphanous, black man-made fiber pants, a black man-made fiber trench coat and a straw fedora-esque hat with a whole lotta crazy hair trying to escape from under it. as the gentlemen gets close i realize it's malibu's second favorite DUI son - nick nolte! aside from the air of crazy he exudes, what was most striking was the fact that he was wearing all that black and all that clothing in close to 80 degree weather.

· Feb 26 - I'm getting some work done at the Santa Monica Public Library, but some guy keeps snoring really loudly. I look up and am completely un-surprised to find that it's Mickey Rourke, sunglasses on and feet propped on a canvas bag. A girl politely wakes him up, and he proceeds to hit on her. Yes, that all sounds about right.

· It was a double dose of celebrity fun at 25 Degrees this afternoon (February 21st). Shortly after being seated in the far back booth for lunch, my friends and I spotted Kathleen Robertson of 90210 fame. Looking pretty and casually dressed, she ate with an older couple. Service for our meal was a little on the slow side (per usual), until it came time to pay the check and have our plates cleared. It was then we were informed that Heidi Klum needed a table — our table. We barely had a chance get up and walk away before Heidi and her entourage took over. She was shorter than I imagined; let's say 5'8".

· 2/25 - Dylan McDermott looking just as pretty as you'd expect Dylan McDermott to look cruising through Santa Monica in a black Porsche.

· 2/23 at Mexico City in Los Feliz: Lauren Graham sat in the booth next to us. She was with a couple and was looking fabulous. Still quite the (fictional) MILF!

· getting off the 10 at the 4th/5th st exit into santa monica, got cut off by some douche in a black prius. i'm able to use a pit maneuver and get in front of said douche, check my rearview and i see justin long. boytoy was in a hurry to get down to main street.

· Feb 21 - This morning! Rob Corddry! Jogging! In my neighborhood! (Almost ran over him with my car, but we won't mention that part in the awesomeness of the occasion.) Am wondering what he's doing hanging out so close to the place where they stash all the American Idol contenders each year.

· On Thursday, Feb. 28th, at about 10:10 am, I spotted David Boreanaz exiting a gas station on the corner of La Cienga and Holloway. He was in his silver mercedes, looking quite handsome.

· Feb 21 - Emily Deschanel and Zach Quinto of Heroes were at Brently Heilbron and Liz Feldman's Awesome War Show at the Comedy Central Stage Wednesday.

· Saw Zachary Quinto more times than I'd like to remember in the Silverlake hood. He seems to really think he's someone really special. He wears a hoodie over his head really low when he goes into Intelligentsia café—you know, incognito, cause he's so famous. Also, last Friday (Feb 15) at Akbar (in hood) he was occupying the service area, so the nice-guy bartender asked him to move. He refused, and actually pulled out the "Do you know who I am?" line.

· Didn't expect a star sighting at The Ivy morning of the Oscars because
I figured nobody in this town would be eating until 9pm that night,
but lo and behold, in walked Nicky Hilton and David Katzenberg, along with Jeff Katzenberg and I'm assuming a whole slew of other Katzenbergs. Things must be getting serious for Nicky if she's allowed to crash fam brunch...

· Feb 25 - I saw Christopher Mintz-Plasse (also known as McLovin of Superbad fame) coming out of a showing of Diary of the Dead at the Universal City Walk AMC Theatre on Saturday the 23rd. He was wearing a cap somewhat low (maybe so he wouldn't be recognized) but he was on his cell phone talking and I definitely recognized his voice

· Driving South on LaBrea approaching 3rd St, right by Trader Joes on Monday afternoon (2/25) when I looked out the window and spotted a unicyclist pedaling furiously on the sidewalk. Just as I was wondering to myself, just why unicyclists do what they do, I realized that this unicyclist was none other than Danny Bonaduce. And, well, since I don't understand anything he does, I just kept driving.

· Thursday night, 2/28, at the Westwood Urban Outfitters. The store had closed five minutes prior when a couple girls and a guy try to make their way in. Of course, they were denied entry by the sales staff but then the man starts pleading, saying she knows what shirt she needs. The cashier relents and that's when a perky blonde runs over to the shirt table. As soon as she opened her mouth, I recognized her as America's favorite LDS nanny from American Idol, Brooke White. I guess they do pick out their own clothes after all. I'll be looking for that white long sleeved shirt this Wednesday.

· Feb 20 - Gosh-a-roony! Just saw Monty Hall and Gary Owens (Millenials, you can Wiki them) waiting for their cars with a couple equally-aged buddies outside Factor's...Seemed pleasant in demeanor...Just four dudes kibbitzing after lunch. I grew up watching Monty and Gary back in the good old three broadcast network days, so me thinks it's always good to see some of the old school still reprezent. Bye.

The Accused: Rian at The Skinny, who must be feeling some post-holiday self-loathing. The Crime: Implying that Laetitia Casta is not thin.
The Evidence: "Some former supermodels stay extremely thin (like Janice Dickinson, for example) and some just kind of let it all go... I think Laetitia kind of stays somewhere in the middle." There is some serious body dysmorphia going on here. Keeping in mind that the camera adds ten pounds, Laetitia Casta appears to be a size two. Since when is that "somewhere in the middle"??? The Sentence: Rian clearly needs some affirmations to recite. And maybe a therapy sesh. Many docs have sliding scale fees, sweetie!

The Accused: The Superficial. The Crime: Calling Pink a man. The Evidence: "Pink and Carey Hart will continue boning random strangers but now without their wedding rings on. While some might say Pink will technically be boned and not do said boning, I stand by my statement. Feel free to do the math and check your work with the Answer Key at the bottom. Answer Key: X = Pink has a penis." Eyeroll. Such a cheap shot, such a 5th grade joke. The Sentence: A swift kick in the nuts. (From Pink.)

The Accused: Drunken Stepfather, whom we know loves us. The Crime: Calling 21-year-old recovering addict Ms. Lindsay Lohan a whore. The Evidence: "I know having a sheet between you and lohan[sic] seems pretty shitty in pictures because it's blocking out her pussy, but if this was real life that sheet is a necessity but preferably in latex because skin to skin contact with this whore has some serious repercussions." Please, dude. Like you wouldn't reach out and touch LL, or any living breathing woman — if you could only get close enough to one. The Sentence: A painful case of the clap, just for fun. Kisses!

The Accused: The unfortunately monikered Yeeeah! The Crime: Mocking Kirstie Alley's weight struggles. The Evidence: "After working for Jenny Craig for the last three years, actress Kirstie Alley is "stepping down" as the spokesperson for the weight loss company. Translation: her fat ass got fired... She's also grateful for KFC's big box variety meal and Sam's Club bucket o' bread pudding. And those Fresh Bath-Bathing Wipes for those days you're too fat to bend over in the shower." Newsflash: Crass≠Funny. The Sentence: Carry around an extra 75 lbs. of bodyweight for 30 days while simultaneously going without hot water for 30 days. Enjoy!

The Accused: Hollywood Tuna. The Crime: Suggesting petite actress Natalie Portman needs breast implants. The Evidence: "Natalie, on the other hand, still has some work to do. Surgical work that is. Yes, she's flat and I know it's not politically correct to talk to about a girl's shortcomings, but if she's not going to make an effort to show off what she does have - that being her ass - then just stay home!" So! Women have two choices: Get elective, dangerous, possibly life threatening surgery or stay home. What a wonderful world. The Sentence: An excruciating dental procedure sans anesthetic, while being forced to watch Natalie's shitty movie Where The Heart Is. Open wide!

Unfortunately, it seems to us that said roller coaster is one that Kirstie hasn't herself been able to get off of. Maybe her safety harness is stuck. An attendant ought to check that out. But, as the saying goes, those who can't do, teach. And who better to learn from than a totally healthy, stable lady like Ms. Alley? 2009 can't come soon enough!

• Kirstie Alley Launching Her Own 'Weight-Loss Brand' [People.com]

Back in 2004, a Slate reporter exposed the faults with Scientology's "detox program," which is outlined by L. Ron Hubbard in Clear Body, Clear Mind. The questionable method "purports to 'flush' poisons from the body's fat stores using an intensive regimen of jogging, oil ingestion, sauna, and high doses of vitamins, particularly niacin." Sounds all well and good, 'cept for one small problem: "Advocates are clear that weight-loss is not to occur." Which put our Kirstie in a bit of a toughie. Without Jenny Craig, she'd be chubbers, but without Scientology, she'd "be dead." Looks like Alley chose Xenu over Jenny, and really, who can blame her? Faced with the choice of being a totally hot dead chick or an average-sized and totally alive Scientologist (rock and hard place, huh?), we'd go with the latter too!

• JENNY CRAIG FIRES KIRSTIE ALLEY FOR GETTING FAT AGAIN [Deceiver.com]
• THE SCIENTOLOGISTS' DUBIOUS 'DETOX PROGRAM' [Slate]

Yes, by now we've all heard and seen that Kirstie Alley "would be dead" without Scientology. We're not here to cast aspersions in her general direction because, hey, whatever floats her boat is fine by us, ya know? But with billable hours being the way they are these days, we're wondering if it was a good use of her legal eagles' (apparently unlimited) time to crank out a toothless missive for what amounted to be a throwaway one-sentence joke buried on page 87 of a glossy mag. We're going with a strongly-worded yet equally toothless response of "Not so much!"

If our clip left you salivating for more nutcases, don't fret. All 35 freaky minutes of the video can be found here. And there's no shortage of crazies: everyone from "watercolorists" to "country western singers" and "deep sea divers" wax on about how Hubbard's system of Dianetics and self-improvement therapies have allowed them to realize their dreams. Eerier still is the suspicious authenticity of these members, all dressed according to their respective careers a little too well. The difference between this video and those 4am infomercials for business-suit-wearing graduates of online GSD programs is practically nil.

• Scientology Orientation Video [Videosift.com]

Stephen Halbert swept ash from his brick patio this morning, trying to clear it before his wife returned to the 1926 house on Aberdeen Avenue they have lived in for seven years.

Halbert had been standing outside his home at 8 p.m. Tuesday watching the glow of the fire grow closer and redder when neighbor Kirstie Alley drove up and told him to leave. He grabbed his cats and his computer and jumped in his black Prius.

Unfortunately, the danger posed by the still-raging conflagration prevented Alley from setting up an assist tent, where she could administer a course of healing shoulder rubs and vitamins to those adversely affected by the blaze; she did, however, have time to hand out coupons redeemable for a discounted copy of Dianetics before speeding off to inform other neighbors of the evacuation orders.

• Returning to a burned landscape [LATimesBlogs]

On today's Oprah (set your DVRs, West Coasters!), legendarily corpulent Scientologist Kirstie Alley, once so professionally hampered by her plus-size frame that she had no choice but to dedicate an entire Showtime series to her inability to get acting work, proudly displays a slimmed down figure made possible by the tireless work of a battalion of Jenny Craig's finest celebrity-starvation technicians. We have to admit that the bikini-clad body Alley shows off is a large improvement over the generously muu-muu'd form the public has known over the past few years, but we fear the transformation is ultimately futile, as the part of our cortex responsible for processing Alley-related visual stimuli was long ago scarred beyond repair by her fudgecicle-deepthroating pay-cable misadventures, preventing any new images of the Fat Actress from ever taking root in our brains.

• 'Oprah' Follow-Ups: Kirstie's Bikini Body [Oprah.com]

In today's episode: Kirstie Alley; Tom Hanks; Ben Affleck; Robert Downey Jr.; Tim Meadows; Star Jones; Keanu Reeves; Robert Wagner; Ryan Seacrest; Reese Witherspoon, Amber Valetta and Kirsty Hume; Sidney Poitier; James Woods; Larry Flynt; Ellen Pompeo and Eric Dane; Justin Chambers; Meg white, Devendra Bernhard and Zooey Deschanel; Bryan Singer; Drew Barrymore and Slash; Jason Schwartzman; Rachel McAdams, Robin Tunney, Clea Duvall and Sarah Michelle Gellar; Kirsten Dunst; Tori Spelling and Dean McDermott; Peter Bogdonavich and Henry Winkler; Adrian Grenier; Clay Aiken and Paul Moyer; Rebecca Romijn, Jerry O'Connell, Lance Bass, Reichen Lehmkuhl and Joshua Jackson; Weird Al Yankovic; Donald Faison; Johnny Galecki; Madeleine Stowe and Annabeth Gish; Dyan Cannon; Tucker Carlson; Steve Coogan; Shane West; Gus Van Sant and Casey Affleck; Melissa Rivers; Rebecca De Mornay; Troy Garrity; Richard Kahan; Mayim Bialik; Ashley Madison; Gedde Watanabe; Jason Wahler; Paris Latsis and Laurie Ann Gibson.

· Saturday night (9/30) I went to the ArcLight to see a showing of The Last Kiss with a friend. Kirstie Alley was directly in front of me in line to buy tickets, she looked surprisingly trim and attractive, although her hair had obviously not been washed or brushed in days, which somehow made her appear more normal to me and my friend. She was with three kids, two of which I know are hers and one might have been a friend. Anyway, I swear they took about 45 mins to buy their tickets because they kept changing their minds about which show to see, first she bought 4 tickets to see The Black Dahlia, and then returned them and bought 4 tickets to see The Last King of Scotland, and then returned those to buy 4 tickets to see the Black Dahlia again! Everyone in line was fuming and she never even turned back to apologize or acknowledge that she had held up the line forever!

· Saw Tom Hanks at Tacos Por Favor on Olympic in Santa Monica this afternoon (10/02) with some friends/business buddies. He looked laid back and wore Lee jeans, like a true American. Nobody said anything or interrupted his lunch. I think he had a burrito. And a Diet Coke.

· A group I was with purchased a table at the Empire Ballroom in Vegas 4ish in the morning this past Sunday. Just as we were sitting down, some guy sidesteps me and begins barking orders to the bouncer. Offended, I informed him we had just purchased the table, it was the last open table, and would he please move. He looked up at me, ok so it's Ben Affleck, asked me if I was with some film group, and told me they would get me another table. The convo went back and forth for a bit, but it was I who ended up staying at the table. I'm pretty sure they got him another one.

·Early Saturday morning (9/30), out for a spin, driving west down
Colorado Avenue in Santa Monica when who do I see but the new Iron Man
himself, Robert Downey Jr., out for a walk or something. He did not
respond to my car horn honk.

Monday (9/2), former SNL token black guy and 'Ladies Man' Tim Meadows, doing his best to wear out the treadmill at Gold's Gym in Venice.

· So I was in town for a quick fall shopping trip with a friend from SD and managed to bump into the following:

9/21 - Star Jones shopping on Robertson - being totally stalked by paparrazzi - yikes, must have been a slow day for paps if that's all they could muster up..She looked as you'd expect - kind of a too big head for her figure..No Al in sight...

9/21 - Il Sole for dinner - Keanu Reeves was having dinner near us on the patio, was with a tall blonde - she was kind of "horsy" in the face -it didnt really look like a date..He was on his cell most of the time..but I guess that doesnt mean much..

9/22 - a very waxy looking Robert Wagner on the patio at Orso with Jill St John and some kids in tow - maybe theirs? It was hard to tell.. he looked so plastic it was almost like a caricature of himself. Doris Roberts was there as well having lunch with someone inside..The only reason I caught her was seeing her hair from across the room..

9/23 Hit Sushi Roku on 3rd for a late lunch and Ryan Seacrest was there -trying very hard to look hetero with a pretty, petite (skeletal) blonde. He was super casual in jeans and tee, and big baseball hat pulled very low..After lunch, they left in a black Bentley with new plates..He must be happy to be back from BFE AI auditions..Probably cant' get decent sushi or rent a Bentley in Iowa..

· trifecta of blondes at Barney's today (9-28). A petite Reese Witherspoon and friend buying jeans, along with Amber Valetta doing the same. later, wandering the floor was Kirsty Hume. Wow, tall and gangly. After, did a quick run through Neiman's, alongside of Russell Crowe.

· 9/23 Sidney Poitier walking into Bristol Farms in BH as I walked out with a bag full of French cheese. He looked very stately (but balding) and gave me a strange look, possibly because I had Siouxsie Sioux makeup on for the Totally 80s concert at the Hollywood Bowl.

· 10/1 Saw James Woods and a very young girl walking a tiny dog this morning on Burton Way near the Hermitage Hotel. He was holding the leash and looked at me as I rode by. She looked about 15.

· 9/28 Saw the HUSTLR Rolls in the driveway of the 4 Seasons and the back of Larry Flynt's head. He was in his gold wheelchair as usual.

· Tuesday, September 26th at 1:30 p.m. Driving in Los Feliz. I caught a glimpse of a very Hollywood-looking couple in a black Range Rover two cars behind me. Couldn't see them clearly in the rear view mirror, but the rugged good looks of the guy and the big sunglasses and pouty lips of the girl made me wonder if I was on the verge of a coveted Brad and Angie sighting. I parked and grabbed a table at the Alcove just as the Range Rover pulled up in front. As it turns out, it was Ellen Pompeo and Eric Dane (McSteamy). Ellen looked cute and casual in tight jeans, a sweater and black Converse. She is very thin but not any more so than half of the aspiring actresses in this town. I am happy to report that she enthusiastically ate a decent meal. Eric was strikingly handsome, in spite of the strange facial hair. And despite what my scandal-happy mind hoped for, it seems like Ellen and Eric are just friends/co-workers.

· When taking a walk in my nabe I saw two men (one white dude, one black) with a bunch of African American kids under the age of ten. I recognized Justin Chambers as one of the guys, and knew it had to be him b/c I knew he has a lot of kids — which makes him only hotter in real life. Guess he got out of work early to spend some time with the fam. Good for him.

· Went to the Little Joy, our default Echo Park dive bar, and quickly realized that the shockingly awesome DJing was being done by the expert threesome of Meg White, Devendra Berhard, and Zooey Deschanel. They were all crammed into the tiny DJ booth and having a grand time. Zooey is absolutely stunning and Meg White was actually cracking a smile or two. Devendra looks like a girl. Good times.

· Bryan Singer, Orso, Monday Oct. 2. I wanted to say Superman Returns was a snore, but X-Men 1 and 2 weren't, but I didn't.

· 9/26 - Tom Petty & the Heartbreakers / The Strokes show at the Hollywood Bowl. Drew Barrymore (surprise). Out in the parking lot right before Tom Petty's set, Slash and his wife hoofing it through the parking lot. Apparently they didn't spring for valet. Dressed in all black, still rocking that almost wig-like hair. He was shorter than his wife and she had huge boobs.

· 10/1 — While enjoying lunch @ Cafe M on Melrose I had the good fortune of spying comedic leprechaun Jason Schwartzman, who was dining with a very pretty Rachel McAdams look-alike but did not surrender his pot of gold when I tackled him. Also in attendance was Robin Tunney, most recently of Prison Break, who looked great and seemed very friendly.

After a scrumptious lunch I went next door to the new Pinkberry location and there on the meager little patio sat raging lesbian [says my boyfriend] Clea Duvall and none other than former Vampire Slayer herself, the very petite Buffy Anne Summers [Sarah Michelle Gellar]. Maybe they became friends while filming that episode during the first season where Clea turns invisible? Either way, SMG was so tiny I'm going to have a hard time watching her kick monster ass while sitting alone in my parents' basement on Saturday nights from now on...

· Actually, more of a sighting of a sighting. Across the street from Cheebo on Sunset there is a Pavarotti hiding in the driveway snapping photos of Kirsten Dunst. Do they still pay for her? Must be a slow day. Or maybe they get extra points for sightings of "eating" so that next week People can run more articles on stars being too skinny or US can prove that stars are "just like us ... they require sustenance."

· Last Friday night, I saw Tori Spelling and her hubby (Dean McDermott) standing outside of Mr. Cecil's BBQ on Ventura Blvd in Sherman Oaks. Looks like they were waiting for the valet to bring their car around. He was very tall, goodlooking and wore glasses. She was super tiny, cute and was very into texting at the moment. So the rumors are true? Tori is living in the valley and hard up for cash?

· Adrian Grenier in Peet's Coffee in Santa Monica on Sunday (9/24), late afternoon. By himself, looking handsome and disheveled.

· I believe that was Clay Aiken I saw walking back to his car in the Musso's parking lot last night (9/27), but I can't be sure 'cause my ovaries weren't shakin'. I was much more impressed with my Paul Moyer sighting, 'tho I see him about every other time I'm there.

· Henry Winkler celebrating his daughter's birthday at Madeo's on Beverly on 9/25, while Peter Bogdanovich looked on from a neighboring table.

· I was at the Scissor Sisters concert last night waiting in line to get a drink (the wait was up to 30 minutes for a drink, it sucked) when Rebecca Romijn and Jerry O'Connell come cutting through and scampering off towards the backstage area. It appeared they were trying to go back stage, they were there for a good ten minutes then came back across the same way (the line had yet to move). They were rushing across and kinda looking down trying to shield their identity but no one really seemed to pay much attention to them, or care.

· 9.28.06 Shrine Expo, Scissor Sisters Concert. Whilst milling about this sorry excuse for a concert venue looking for my faggle, I spotted Rebecca Romijn No longer Stamos weaving through the crowd with the luckiest hetero on the planet, Jerry O'Connell. RR looked amazing—tall, blonde and prettier than you would have imagined. JO'C looked like a typical frat boy with what could best be described as a mullet. Dude needs to get his hair did. The gays around her in the drink line were giddy and all enamored with her fabulousness, obviously more in tune with the sultry looks of RR than Kangaroo Jack's hunkiness. Those gays...so fickle.

· Last night (9/28) at the Scissor Sisters concert, I saw Lance Bass and Reichen Lehmkuhl as we were walking in. Reichen did that "reach back for your partner's hand" thing, in a very "he's more than just my financial support - it's also about the heart" kind of way. I nearly teared up, and there wasn't a camera to be seen.

And I also saw Joshua Jackson there, and I'm pretty sure he was wearing the same clothes he was wearing when I saw him Monday outside of Swingers in Santa Monica. He's always sulking around with his hands in his pockets, glaring at everyone for recognition, then daring them to approach him.

· I completely forgot about this, but I saw Weird Al Yankovic at the West Hollywood Post Office. You notice the hair first, then the stooped posture. Then the hideous button up shirt. He looked so absurdly young (wasn't he in his 30's in the 80's?) that I thought it wasn't WAY, until I took a second look. It's him. Woot.

· Was at the Coffee Bean across from the DGA sitting next to a guy being told that his "audition monologue" needed to be more like Ewan McGregor's Obi-Wan speeches in "Star Wars" (I shit you not) when Dr. Christopher Turk - Donald Faison - showed up in a bright orange t-shirt and looking straight off the "Scrubs" set - shaved head, small mustache. Completely alone (and on the wrong side of the hill - isn't it a school day?), he glanced around to see if anyone was going to be Weird About A Semi-Sleb Showing Up and then went in and got his drink. As tall in person as you might imagine.

· Johnny Galecki, dining al fresco with two friends at Empress (formerly Sushi on Sunset) on Friday Sep. 29 at about 9 PM. If I were female or gay, I might say he looked hot. Being hetero is so retro these days.

· 9/29. Waiting for a friend at Clementine, spotted MADELEINE STOWE outside and was about to approach and ask her what it was like to play Mischa Barton's mother in "Octane," when a pregnant ANNABETH GISH walked in. Since I saw every episode of "Brotherhood," I was more interested in learning whether the show has been renewed than whether Mischa was a pain-in-the-ass on the set. Annabeth could not have been nicer. We chatted amiably for five minutes, during which I learned her series has been renewed, also that she's giving birth in January.

· At the Grove last night Sunday, 1 October, 6:00pm, Dyan Cannon walking through the Sunday Grove throngs, clutching a tiny red chihuahua.

· Tucker Carlson standing in line to buy a bottle of water at LAX on 9/26

· Went to satisfy a craving for Cornish pasties at Ye Olde Kings Head in Santa Monica on Wednesday and was seated kitty corner from Steve Coogan and another man. I then spent most of the meal trying to explain who he is to my unimpressed dinner companion. He went unnoticed by all and sundry, though he did take a picture with the infatuated waitress. After about an hour he got into a new mustang and roared off before I had to chance to ask about any cracking owl sanctuaries. Ah, well. Next time.

· friday 9/29 - While enjoying an early bird dinner at fred 62 on Vermont with family saw Shane West at an outside table by himself. wearing red shirt and jeans, no sunglasses. we felt bad for him because he was by himself, but as he roared off in a killer vintage camero (dont know the year, im a girl) we didn't feel so sad.

capping off our sighting hat trick, on our way home as we passed tropicale on hillhurst Gus Van Sant followed by Casey Affleck. resisted the urge to tell him "the last kiss" sucked.

· Help I'm a Nobody, Get Me Into her!
Just spotted E! fashionista Melissa Rivers throwing a tennis ball for her dog in Malibu - north of Zuma, south of Villa Brangelina. She was Sunday morning casual in Pink sweats and says hi, introducing us to "Mike" (3/4 Collie, 1/4 random hound), whom she got off the internet after he was found "tied to a tree". All in all, very superfriendly and unassuming, which is a real relief. The last celeb I saw with a dog I here was incredible melting man Mickey Rourke doing tai chi moves for his designer chihuahua.

· Over in Culver City (?!) wife and I walked past a still-kinda-smokin' Rebecca De Mornay with her two kids. Just joshing, I said to my wife "you guys are the almost same age and both have two kids. Why don't YOU look like that? Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!" Needless to say, I will not be having sex anymore in the 2000's.

· Eat Well, East Side, Sunday Sept. 24: Saw Jane Fonda's son Troy Garrity. He was with a pretty woman (she: the went-to-Brown and grew-up-in-the-Cosby-family type) and looked leaner and hotter than I remembered. I don't think he was wearing a cowboy hat, but he has the presence of a man wearing a cowboy hat.

· Here's a C-List sighting, although it's A-List in my personal world. Friday night, 9-22, at Wilson Restaurant in Culver City: Richard Kahan, who plays Marco Pacella of NTAC on "The 4400." You know, he's the guy who dated Diana, who not only has a daughter who can see the future, but a wacky hippie sister with tatoos. He is one snacky computer nerd. And he's from Manitoba - that gets my heart racing, I think. Beats an Edgar Stiles spotting anyday.

· Blossom! Mayim Bialik, at the Brig at the Abbott Kinney Street Festival on 9-24. She looked rather f*&cking hot, which is saying something in that I don't play for her team. We'll just forget that she was guest-starred in "Fat Actress."

· Last night at Casa Vega saw James Woods' kindergartner of an ex-gf (Ashley Myrick/Madison). Chatting the ear off of whoever will listen about "Jimmy this, Jimmy that," her role on Entourage, how the media made up mean stories about her, and her "great genetics." Our waiter looked like Mario Lopez, which -although false- was a more exciting sighting.

· Wednesday night @ dan tana's. Amongst all the aging actors and plastic surgery nightmares I saw Long Duck Dong (Gedde Watanabe) from 16 candles. No more yanky me wanky, the donger needed food.

· Saw Jason Wahler of Laguna Beach and The Hills fame at Toast for brunch today (10/1). Although "J.Wahl" was with two very attractive blond women — sorry L.C., there a dime a dozen in Southern California — he was talking on his cell phone. Perhaps to his criminal defense attorney?

· Monday, September 25 - PARIS LATSIS at TORTINO in WESTWOOD for lunch. Table for two with a middle-aged guy. BoyParis had on sunglasses, looked depressed, and was texting away on his Sidekick. Oh, GirlParis, where are you??? "I GIVE YOU EVERYTHING!"

· 10/1, Burbank Airport: Spotted Laurie Ann Gibson of Honey and Making the Band 3 fame. It was 6am, but Laurie Ann was looking fab in a fuschia sweatsuit, smiling and chatting with her friends. Boom boom kat!

Showtime Turns March 7 Into 'Fat Monday' With a Host of Detectible Programs Anchored by Kirstie Alley's 'Fat Actress'

LOS ANGELES, March 2 /PRNewswire/ — Consumers with an appetite for great programming are in for a delicious treat. SHOWTIME is dubbing March 7 "FAT MONDAY" with a whole block of food-related shows featuring the much anticipated premiere of Kirstie Alley's FAT ACTRESS.

We're a little disappointed that they went with such a facile tie-in promotion, but we suppose that trying to find an entire day's worth of programming centered around a Scientologist desperate to breathe life into a flagging career would be a lot more difficult—Dharma and Greg reruns are way out of Showtime's budget.

[Also, we're pretty sure that they meant "delectable," not "detectible," in the headline.]

• Showtime Turns March 7 Into 'Fat Monday' [PR Newswire]
• scientologists take rush & molloy hostage/a> [Defamer]

Kirstie Alley is going to have a big fat problem with her new Showtime comedy, "Fat Actress," which premieres Monday night. It's going to be a hit, and she's not going to be fat anymore. "That's okay," she told us the other day. "We can call it 'Slut Actress' the second season."[...]

In just one episode - starring her friends John Travolta and Kelly Preston as well as Kid Rock and NBC entertainment chief Jeff Zucker - Alley triumphantly gets back at Hollywood. (There's more revenge in her memoir, "How to Lose Your A— and Regain Your Life.")

Before you think R & M have completely lost their minds, or that this item was sponsored by a Showtime fruit basket lined with twenty-dollar bills, we think we've got it figured out. The flat affect, the over-the-top endorsement of a product from a favorite tabloid target (the "she's not going to be fat anymore" overkill was the tip-off): This is the gossip column equivalent of a hostage video. Luckily, they've managed to include a coded message on the sly. If you take every fifth letter in the item it spells out this SOS: "The Scientologist have us at knife-point. Send help. They've taken the children. Also: Alley still fat, show will flop."

• 'Fat' & sassy, Kirstie chews the scenery [NY Daily News]


• ‘Fat Actress,’ Co-Starring Travolta’s Bloated Noggin [Defamer]

I saw it this week. Let me just kick things off with this mental movie, which has been on an anamorphic loop-of-trauma since I saw the tape: Kirstie Alley, moaning in lingerie, deep-throating a fudgesicle during a "hilarious" sex scene with the black guy who played the lead on the sitcom "Hangin' With Mr. Cooper." While he smacks her ass and calls her "bootylicious." But it's empowering, right? And it's just nice to finally see a woman who looks REAL on screen, right? Right? (Crickets)

The thing's way too much of a trainwreck to even contemplate whether or not the show is exploitative. And Kirstie and Co. will handily sidestep any discussion about whether the fat jokes are offensive with all of the unbelievably racist material! (The plot of the first one finds Kirstie moaning about not getting laid (dry heave), and deciding she needs to find a black guy (since they like fat women) — cut to her at a soul food restaurant hitting on guys, then bedding the aforementioned Mr. Cooper (requisite jokes about him having a huge dick), who plays a TV exec who is drooling over her fat ass with bug eyes and a grin). It's really awful. I'll give Kirstie this, though — despite the Travolta cameo, she wasn't able to work in a Narconon pitch anywhere in the first episode. I really can't wait until she breaks out the e-meter, of course.

With the direction the series appears to be headed, should Alley's Scientology e-meter ever appear it's either going to be immediately doused in ketchup for a snack or used as a kinky sex prop. Or, God forbid, both.

• Fat Actress Site [Showtime]


• Jeff Zucker, Fat Actor [Defamer]