Dunst is tagging along with filmmaker/real estate scion Jacob Soboroff as part of his Why Tuesday? campaign — videotapes of which are to be fashioned into their documentary about America's lag in voter participation. In other words, what she really wants to do is direct:

"The older you get, it makes you feel more and more responsible for the power you have, especially being in the entertainment industry ... and how delicate and important it is to use that power to influence people in a positive way," Dunst said. [...] "I feel totally honored and was really proud to vote, and have never been so proud to vote in my entire life."

Great! But North Dakota? Soboroff said he wanted to see if its policy not requiring voter registration — the only such law in the nation — is a "best practice or ... a worst practice." Forget their documentary; this is clearly a job for our Election Day PrivacyWatchers. The first legit sighting from Bismarck gets an "I Voted With KiKi" sticker and executive producer credit on our own forthcoming doc, Defamer Decides: The Motion Picture. Get stalking!

• Kirsten Dunst in North Dakota for vote documentary [AP]

Boomp3.com

After enjoying a delicious meal at popular restaurant Bossa Nova, actress Kirsten Dunst was dealt a parking ticket by the cruel hand of fate. Dunst intitally shrugged it off fine, but upon further inspection became slightly miffed. There was a small note attached to the ticket that read: “Thanks a pantsful for putting Cameron Crowe in movie jail. I hope you can sleep at night."

[Photo Credit: X17]

*A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

Boomp3.com

Sporting her finest cut-offs, Spider Man trilogy star Kirsten Dunst stopped off at a Early Voting facility. After she walked out of the voting booth, Dunst did her best Palin Dance to celebrate her decision to rock the vote. Dunst quickly added, “I may be doing the Dance, but it doesn’t mean that I voted for her. Although, I would love to see Tina Fey have all that work.”

[Photo Credit: X17]

*A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

More partying photos after the junst!

[Photo credit: X17agency.com]

• Bleary-eyed Kirsten Dunst parties hard in Hollywood... just months after leaving rehab [Daily Mail]

Boomp3.com

While the US economy remains in an explosive state, some Americans — like Kirsten Dunst— have begun to look for a second job to supplement their lifestyle. The How to Lose Friends & Alienate People star recently apply for a position as a greeter at a local Wal Mart Super Center. Dunst felt like she’d be perfect for the position because she’s a total people person and enjoys making people feel at home. Dunst even practiced greeting people at the premiere for Hound Dog. Dunst said, “It’s not a life or death situation that I get a second job. I would like a second job and I want to fully prepare for my interview. I can actually say that I have greeting experience instead of lying about it on my resume.”

[Photo Credit: Splash Pics]

*A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

This week's installment also includes: Clint Eastwood, Jerry Seinfeld, Ryan Phillippe, Kirsten Dunst and Justin Long, Farrah Fawcett, James Woods, Dane Cook, John C. Reilly, Lauren Conrad, Ellen Pompeo, P. Diddy (twice in the same night!), Jared Leto, Kevin Federline, Sandra Oh, Seth Green, Balthazar Getty, Pete Wentz, Briam Baumgartner, Zachary Levi, Ciara, Adam "Seymour Butts" Glasser and more.

TUESDAY, AUGUST 21
· Sitting in a booth at the recently re-opened Fab's on Van Nuys Blvd in Sherman Oaks at 8pm, Mr. "Hey, Spike Lee, Shut Your Pie-Hole" himself, CLINT EASTWOOD, speaking in hushed tones while dining with Sinatra's favorite opening comic, Tom Dreesen. I couldn't hear if Clint said to the waiter, "Go ahead, make my Chicken Marsala." Even at 93 [Ed. Note: He's actually only 78], Clint looks like he could kick some serious butt.

FRIDAY, AUGUST 22
· It was celeb night on Friday 8/22 at the AMC theater at the Century City Mall. Spotted PETE WENTZ standing outside with friends. His hair is flat ironed to oblivion and he is short, almost alarmingly so. Kept his hoodie on the whole time. Jessica's pregnant sister was nowhere in sight.

Then, a few minutes later, ELLEN POMPEO (that's Meredith Grey to you) walked by hand-in-hand with her hubby. Super skinny and wearing gross, skin tight white jeans, white shirt with trashy sky high black heels. They were in a rush which made her look like she walks funny because she clearly couldn't handle those heels. We decided she was dressed like a Staten Island prostitute.

We decided to hold out a few more minutes on the hope we would spot an elusive A-lister. And before we knew it, PUFF DADDY walked by sans entourage! He is indeed puffy. Mr. Mogul needs to get back to running marathons for charity. He was wearing sunglasses. At 10:30pm. And he was texting while walking briskly. Who says men can't multi-task?

· Equinox West Hollywood. PUFF DADDY (again!) makes his entourage wait in the juice bar while he grabs a steam.

· JUSTIN LONG and KIRSTEN DUNST were spotted Friday night at the Dragonfly, checking out the show Point Break LIVE! She sat behind him w/ her girlfriends, but Justin kept turning around to talk to her & see her reaction to the craziness onstage.

·Bristol Farms, West Hollywood, 5:30PM (ish). Looking determined to get out and towing a tow-headed child: RYAN PHILLIPPE. Taller than I would have expected, and beefier (but by no means tall). I don't know if he's moved to the neighborhood but the shopping cart was brimming. In case he is, a word of advice: I know it's technically West Hollywood, but the look you should be going for should be more "Daddy out shopping for groceries with my kids on Beverly" and less "Out shopping for a Daddy to buy my groceries on Santa Monica".

SATURDAY, AUGUST 23
· He's not a household name, but with 33 film and 40 television credits, let's just say I was surprised to see SEAN WHALEN selling blenders at the Burbank Costco on Saturday, miked up, dressed in a white lab coat and white paper hat. He usually plays nerds, but now he's extolling the virtues of raw food smoothies. Ouch.

SUNDAY, AUGUST 24
· Sunday night at the Radiohead show. Saw SANDRA OH with several dudes scrambling to get to their seats. She looked flustered, yet excited. Also saw SETH GREEN in line between songs waiting for beers. He was sporting a trucker hat and has a big, shaggy red beard. He looks like he belongs under a bridge waiting for three billy goats gruff.

Lastly, also saw BALTHAZAR GETTY near the beer line between songs, wearing douchey skinny jeans and chomping on cigarettes. Dude looked like he was having way too much fun, like he'd just ditched his wife and kids for a hot chick who likes to bang while only wearing a sailor's hat. Oh, wait...

· As I approached the cool 'n' groovy Santa Monica/Fairfax Whole Foods, I saw two paps outside aiming their lenses into the store. Store security blocked their view. I heard someone say, "She's the one in orange," and then noticed LAUREN CONRAD in a cute orange summer dress, casual hair, grinding her own peanut butter near the bulk grains. No, she did not have an assistant to pour in the peanuts and press the button for her. When I left she was checking out, the paps were lining up, and the Whole Foods security guys, looking vaguely energized, were preparing to escort Ms. Conrad to her vehicle.

MONDAY, AUGUST 25
· Monday night, Radiohead at the Bowl. After briefly encountering JARED LETO (dressed a bit like Shia in Indiana Jones) on the concourse leading a small scuzzy posse around and claiming that he had extra seats, I was surprised to see him all alone in the pool circle up front where I was seated (second row, yo!). Jared apparently ditched his "boys" and tried a bum rush to get up front as the lights went down. Multiple security guards stopped him and he immediately went into "Don't you know who I am?" mode. At first it was high-larious, but then it became a bit pathetic. And then it became a lot pathetic. He just would not give up. It didn't matter. They hauled him away just before the band came out and killed it.

I'd like to believe that Radiohead hates Jared's stupid fucking band and the noise pollution he calls music as much as I and everyone else at the show does, and that they ordered security to remove him from their immediate vicinity, but more than likely Thom Yorke has never heard of 30 (Minutes? Miles? I refuse to google.) to Mars. To Thom, it was probably just another dumb asshole without a ticket getting the boot from the front. Which is exactly what it was.

·Saw JAMES WOODS on 8/25 on Burton Way near Raffles L'Ermitage Beverly Hills. He was on the phone and completely plugged into it. Looks pretty good for a man his age. No sign of his 20 year old girl anywhere.

TUESDAY, AUGUST 26
· Comedy Antichrist DANE COOK was at Crunch. His name was on the marquee at the Laugh Factory across the street, so I'm guessing it was some sort of pre- or post-show routine. If you imagined that he'd work out in a backwards baseball cap and muscle shirt, thereby confirming your image of him as a superannuated, doughy-faced, overgrown frat boy - you'd be correct.

WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 27
· Two fun (separate) sightings. Saw Kevin (BRAIN BAUMGARTNER) from Scrantonicity (and, yes, The Office); and, Chuck (ZACHARY LEVI), from, well, Chuck at the Studio City Starbucks. Both taking meetings around the corner at the NBC/Universal building? Kevin wearing shorts, Chuck driving a gas-guzzling Chevy Tahoe. Bad choices, boys.

· Eyed R&B sensation/masturbation fantasy CIARA placing a to-go order at the El Pollo Loco on Sunset and Crescent Heights around 4:40pm. Body was insane.

· I was walking back to my office from Rick's Tavern yesterday around 8:35pm going South on Main St when, lo and behold, JERRY SEINFELD was walking the opposite direction. He was with a group of like 3 or 4 friends and looking casual but good. Hoodie and glasses and admiring the motor bikes parked on the street.

· Saw Seymore Butts (born ADAM GLASSER) in the Miracle Mile Marie Callender's today. No cameras, no nudity, no sex acts being performed. But seriously, I saw Seymore Butts!!!

FRIDAY, AUGUST 29
· Walking through the hallways of a building deep in the heart of Toluca Lake around 3:30pm is FARRAH FAWCETT. Farrah raised her head to look me in the eye with a a look that said "Yes I am Farrah Fawcett and don't talk to me" Farrah had heavy duty perfume situation going on that wafted in the hallway well after she left the building. Christie Brinkley is about the same age as her but Farrah looks like she has been through the ringer and had a rough, rough hard drinking, hard partying, heavy tanning life. Use sunscreen, kids. Use Sunscreen.

· Not sure if KEVIN FEDERLINE is a real "sighting" but we saw Father of The Year at Malibu Seafood on Friday. Did not look overly douche-y. Was with a few guys, both whom I recognized but neither that I could place.

· We saw JOHN C. REILLY out in Dublin's (as in, Ireland) posh south side last Friday. We couldn't remember his name right off. We called him "Not-Will-Ferrell". He didn't seem to mind.

[Photo Credit: X17]

Boomp3.com

A medical professional must have been on hand at the Chateau Marmont to keep popular silver screen star Kirsten Dunst from busting a gut. The Spider Man star was laughing uncontrollably at the antics of Mac pitchman and ex-flame of Drew Barrymore, Justin Long. Dunst was thoroughly impressed by Long's comedic culinary consumption antics, even going as far as to say that Long is way funnier than "that Charlie Chaplin dude." Long reveled in the attention, even going as far as to moonwalk a piece of chicken into his mouth.

[Photo Credit: X17]

*A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

Though it's been pushed ahead to a 2010 release date, Disney is already building buzz for Prince of Persia: The Dreamy Eyes of Time, hiring CalArts Sensual Belly Dance majors to mingle and jingle with the crowds.

Yes—that is Emmy-nominated Dancing with the Stars host Tom Bergeron enjoying the warm weather and local color.

Spot the Scout Willis! Call 1-800-DEMI KIDS for hints. ($2.95 per minute.)

• Sunset Junction 2008: street scene [Metromix LA]

Spiderman 3 star Kirsten Dunst was spotted sneaking out of a Soho highrise and into a pickup truck this morning. In between projects, Dunst has been earning a second income as a house painter; she's been getting up bright and early in order to finish a house-painting job out in Ronkonkoma. Dunst's co-workers have nothing but sparkling praise for her. One co-worker said, "I thought she was going to be, you know, high maintenance. You know, 'Ew, my clothes have paint on them. Why does it smell? Why do we have to listen to classic rock all day?' But no, she's been a trouper. Some days, I don't think she's showered from the day before."

[Photo Credit: INF Daily]

*A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

Torrance Shipman, Bring It On: For every sweet as sugar Valley Girl like the original film's Julie Richman, there is the head cheerleader. Torr, her sidekicks, and her priorities dipped into the shallowest end of the San Fernando pool of prissy dumb blondes (with hearts of gold! In the end, of course!) Classic Quote: "I am only cheerleading."

Romy And Michele, Romy And Michele's High School Reunion: A rare glimpse into the lives of the post-grad working life of the VG, Lisa Kudrow and Mira Sorvino actually made anyone unfamiliar with the Valley kind of want to live there, where folding sweaters defined the girls' perfection of living by that old mantra: ignorance is bliss. Classic Quote: "You look so good with blonde hair and black roots it's not even funny."

Stacy Hamilton, Fast Times At Ridgemont High: For every Torrance, there is a Stacy Hamilton: that shy, naive non-looker with the way hotter friend, who falls for the short, pale, and not handsome bad boy because he smokes cigarettes and dresses in all black. Classic Quote: "When a guy has an orgasm, how much comes out?"

Tai, Clueless: Most people instantly envision Cher as a classic VG, but the contemporary Emma lived in Beverly Hills. And sure, Tai does hail from the scary land of Manhattan where "coke" means cocaine, not Coca-Cola. But by the climax of the flick, Tai represents everything VGs stand for: short skirts, make-up, gold jewelry and boyfriend-stealing. Classic Quote: "You think I'm a mentally retarded airhead?"

Buffy Summers, Buffy The Vampire Slayer: Oh, Buff. The yellow cheerleading outfit. The gum. The bleached hair. The mini-skirts with polka dots used to attract football players. The like, icky gross feeling you get around dudes with British accents who are old and stuff. Our favorite, by a landslide. Classic Quote: "Right, I'm the chosen one. And I choose to be shopping."

• MGM DEVELOPS MUSICAL 'VALLEY GIRL' [THR]

boomp3.com

While out running errands in Manhattan, Kirsten Dunst received some shocking news over the phone. Namely, that the Dick star would not be able to get into an IMAX screening of The Dark Knight. Dunst's friend said that they could always watch the movie during the week and that'll be the same movie. Dunst huffed and puffed that it wouldn't be the same if they had to wait a few days to watch the film and the situation is beginning to feel a lot when Dunst went to get a new iPhone. Dunst said, "First, I can't get the iPhone until next week or whenever they get a shipment in and now I have to wait to see the new Batman movie? What else could go wrong in my life? I swear." Dunst then asked if her friend could check out Craigslist or eBay for tickets and price was not an issue.

[Photo Credit: INF Daily]

*A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

Andy Dick, comedian

How drunk: Groping minors, getting arrested — classic Andy Dick, basically.

Latest: Nabbed by the police in Murrieta, California for drug use, posession of marijuana and Valium and for sexual assault after Dick grabbed a 17-year-old's breasts at 2am outside (sigh) "Buffalo Wild Wings Grill & Bar."

Outlook: Given his long and distinguished track record, a relapse is virtually guaranteed.

Low point: Beaten up at the Laugh Factory in Los Angeles in July 2007 by fellow comedian Jon Lovitz, who blamed him for the death of comedian Phil Hartman since Dick allegedly sold cocaine to Hartman's wife, a recovering addict, before she killed Hartman.

Jessica Simpson, singer

How drunk: Drunk at lunch, but not drunk driving.

Latest: Perhaps distraught at pictures of ex-flame John Mayer with actress Jennifer Aniston, Simpson last week went on a four-hour margarita binge at LA's Mexicali Cocina Cantina that ended with her friend puking under the table and Simpson abandoning her car.

Outlook: Her clean track record offers hope this was an isolated boozing, but she needs to get over Mayer.

Low point: The restaurant thing. Simpson was once a goody two-shoes, having started singing in a Baptist church before transitioning to harmless teen pop. She remained a virgin prior to her first marriage.

Amy Winehouse, singer

How drunk: Epically.

Latest: Thinks her home is inhabited by ghosts; caught smoking crack or something on video; punched, headbutted and stiffed three different people over the course of a single night; has a skin condition associated with crack addicts.

Outlook: Will probably deteriorate until she runs out of money or comes, somehow, closer to death. Rumors continue to circulate she'll seek treatment abroad, for example in Israel or South Africa. Whatever — these reports have been floated repeatedly in recent months and have yet to pan out.

Low point: Probably whatever is in the British tabloids on any given morning. Has had major issues at least since she's been famous. Her first U.S. hit was called "Rehab," after all.

Drew Barrymore, actress

How drunk: Engagement-breakingly, allegedly.

Latest: Dumped by actor Justin Long (whom she reportedly planned to marry) after he "got tired of having to help Drew to the car at the end of the night," according to the National Enquirer. After battling drugs and alcohol as a child star, Barrymore thought she had things under control.

Outlook: Decent: Continues to work, and normally tends to keep herself out of the tablouds.

Low point: Entering rehab at age 14, having already snorted cocaine.

Mischa Barton, actress

How drunk: Problematically.

Latest: Pled no contest to drunk driving charges dating to December, got three years probation and mandatory alcohol-education classes.

Outlook: Decent. Has largely avoided the tabloids save for the December incident. Recently declined to join the case of Gossip Girl to work on another project, so apparently staying (soberly) busy.

Low point: Puked in the street last year while partying with celebrity friends Kirsten Dunst and Jamie-Lynn Sigler.

Kirsten Dunst, actress

How drunk: Not? Rehabbed and hopefully not backsliding, despite that one rumor.

Latest: Dragged All Good Things co-star and rumored boyfriend Ryan Gosling to Alcoholics Anonymous meetings, a recovery no-no. Is fresh out of two-month rehab stint in April.

Outlook: Decent chance of a relapse. She's 26 with no kids or long term relationship, and with one hell of a track record.

Low point: When so many anonymous tipsters emailed us about her getting drunk around New York that we had to run a special report.

Scott Weiland, singer

How drunk: Problematically.

Latest : The bipolar Stone Temple Pilots frontman served a 10-hour prison term earlier this month for a November drunk driving incident, his second in five years.

Outlook: Worrisome. With a wife of eight years and two children, hopefully the drunk driving incident was just a rocker's aberration, but it was his second in five years.

Low point: A two-month drug binge with Courtney Love in a hotel in 1998. Runners-up: Convicted of buying crack in 1995 and of driving drunk in 2003.

Eva Mendes, actress

How drunk: Menacingly, but supposedly all better.

Latest: Checked herself into the Cirque Lodge rehab facility in Utah in January to "privately attend to some personal issues."

Outlook: Bad. Has taken a movie role playing a Spanish drug lord in Queen of the South. This could mean the rehab stint was just method acting; more likely the drug lord role will do to Mendes what Less Than Zero did to Robert Downey Jr.

Low point: The recent rehab. No history of erratic behavior, unless you count posing topless in Italian Vogue.

Sean Young, actress

How drunk: Freshly rehabbed as of February.

Latest: Completed a sting in rehab earlier this year after being ejected from a Hollywood awards ceremony for bad behavior.

Outlook: Poor, due to a history of emotional volatility and bizarre behavior. According to Wikipedia, her role in Wall Street was reduced due to fights with Oliver Stone; she was sued by actor James Woods for harassment; she unsuccessfully tried to win a role on Batman Returns by confronting the director in a homemade Catwoman costume; she was fired from the movie Dick Tracy. Her last marriage ended in 2002.

Low point: Heckled director Julian Schnabel during his speech at the Director's Guild of America awards in January. Believed to be intoxicated, she was escorted out.

Justin Chambers, actor and former model

How drunk: Not. Finally getting rested after a recent hospital stay.

Latest: Checked himself into UCLA Medical Center with what he said was a sleep disorder. But after his discharge, was spotted passing out and acting bizarrely at the Village Pub in Palm Springs.

Outlook: Good, if you make the difficult assumption he's telling the truth about his sleep disorder and that reports he was only drinking non-alcoholic beer at the pub are true.

Low point: The Village Pub incident.

Miley Cyrus, singer and actress

How drunk: At 15, has possibly never been drunk. Then again, maybe there is something to these pictures of her stumbling out of a club in Hollywood.

Latest: Her scandalous, topless-except-for-a-sheet photo spread in Vanity Fair, obviously. Also, she keeps emailing underwear pictures to her boyfriend, which somehow end up online. None of which indicates she is on a path toward drinking or addiction, just that she is growing up and clearly ready to move beyond her goody-goody image on the TV show Hannah Montana.

Outlook: Very good. But the relentless pressure from Disney to never grow up could finally make her snap.

Low point: Vanity Fair incident.

Kate Moss, model

How drunk: Modestly, and only via booze. Yay!

Latest: On the one hand, she's reportedly engaged to be married, practicing yoga and tending to her fashion line. On the other, she looked scary and strung out in the last of these February pictures, and sometimes will randomly go without underwear. In March, she had a "boozy lunch" in Paris and then licked her boyfriend's neck.

Outlook: Good. She's avoided any public cocaine relapses over the past three years, though clearly drinks sometimes. She should be further grounded by continuing to raise her daughter, six, and by a reported engagement to guitarist Jamie Hince.

Low point: In 2005, was famously photographed by British tabloid the Daily Mirror snorting cocaine at a recording session for Babyshambles, band of her junkie boyfriend Pete Doherty. She was subsequently dropped by both Chanel and Burberry and entered rehab.

Courtney Love, singer

How drunk: Epically.

Latest: Despite recently handing out sobriety advice to Lindsay Lohan and Britney Spears and declaring herself rehabbed, Love was spotted in London this spring looking drunk and carrying copious prescription drugs, which she has abused in the past.

Outlook: Poor. Love insists she's reformed but somehow few people are convinced.

Low point: So many to choose from! Probably the time she thought she was going to die so her hangers-on, according to Love, stole $20 million.

Lindsay Lohan, actress (at one point, apparently)

How drunk: Constantly, visibly and criminally.

Latest: Accused of stealing someone else's fur coat from a nightclub. Also recent: getting plastered with her girlfriend at Hawaiian Tropic Club, falling limply while trying to get into a car outside a Hollywood.

Outlook: Surprisingly pretty good. She's getting good report cards on the set of her new movie, and is a newly minted femme lesbian.

Low point: When walking medicine cabinet Courtney Love told her she really needed to shape up. Also: five car incidents in three years, including one where she was alleged to have been chasing someone in her car while drunk.

Naomi Campbell, abusive supermodel

How drunk: Unconvincingly reformed.

Latest: Campbell is trying to redeem herself following a spitting, racial-epithet-hurling attack on police at Heathrow airport. She bought coffee for cast members of TV show Ugly Betty and smiled at Heathrow police.

Outlook: Poor. Campbell has falsely claimed to be reformed in the past. In 2006, Campbell told W magazine, "Some people can handle a drink or a line of cocaine, but I’ve finally come to realize that, for me, it’s all or nothing — and it has to be nothing." She was later photographed drinking wine at dinner.

Low point: In 2006, after being arrested for her latest cell-phone beating of the help, she was forced to scrub toilets as part of a community service sentence. She claimed the experience was sobering before moving on to further meltdowns.

Pat O'Brien, TV host

How drunk: Freshly rehabbed, working again — for the second time.

Latest: Entered rehab in February (his last rehab had been in 2005). Despite speculation to the contrary, he returned to his hosting gig on The Insider.

Outlook: Weak, since he has relapsed once before.

Low point: A drunken, horny voice mail left prior to his most recent rehab stint.

Paris Hilton, attention-mad socialite

How drunk: Very, but in a totally older, more responsible way.

Latest: Hilton now says she's become more domestic, staying home (heavens!) some nights and even cooking dinner for serious boyfriend and rocker Benji Madden. She's taken to wearing a diamond ring on her wedding ring finger and reportedly even talks of children.

Outlook: Precarious. Marriage and increased sobriety are possible; more likely is a breakup and total Hilton meltdown. The starlet has failed at reform before: The Times in March reminded everyone that Hilton still had not taken a charity trip to Rwanda or set up a transitional home for women, as promised on Larry King Live following a jail term.

Low point: Was sent to jail for repeatedly driving on a license suspended in connection with a drunk driving conviction. Runner up: When her cat was reclaimed for alleged neglectful treatment.

Nicole Richie, actress, fashion plate

How drunk: Minimally.

Latest: Richie gave birth in January and subsequently said her daughter and relationship to boyfriend Benji Madden, the girl's father, gave her life new meaning and helped her "move on" from her wilder days. Richie's friend Paris Hilton is said to be hoping for a similarly grounding relationship with her boyfriend, Benji Madden, brother to Joel.

Outlook: Decent. Richie raised $1 million by selling pictures of her baby, and her dad Lionel is rich, so she's well funded to either raise a family or have a Britney Spears-style post-baby meltdown. She's 26 so the chance of the latter is not insignificant. But there are no immediate warning signs.

Low point: In 2003, was arrested for possession of heroin. Runner-up: Becoming dramatically thing after a falling out with party buddy Paris Hilton and a brief jail sentence on drunk driving charges.

Britney Spears, wayward singer

How drunk: Only on Frappuccinos (this month).

Latest development: Spears is back in the recording studio, has appeared in repeated successful TV cameos and gained new visitation rights with her two sons after a court commissioner said he was "extremely impressed" with her progress.

Outlook: Good, for now. With her father in control of her money and many aspects of her life, Spears is unlikely to backslide anytime soon, particularly given how much she wants to regain custody of her kids. The question is whether she'll be able to stay sober once she has her kids back and is in full control of her bank account.

Low point: Flashing her vag to paparazzi in 2006 while clubbing with Paris Hilton. Runners up: Her two psych-ward stays this year; brief, recent relationships with scuzzballs Adnan Ghalib and Sam Lutfi; shaving her head and bashing a car with an umbrella.

Robert Downey, Jr., actor

How drunk: Stone cold sober.

Latest: Downey's film Iron Man has been a critical and financial success, with Downey now expected to take part in sequels. He appears in blackface in the forthcoming comedy Tropic Thunder with Ben Stiller

Outlook: No reason to think he's anything but clean and sober from here on out. Unless you've heard something. What, have you heard something??

Low point: In 2000-2001, when a series of arrests saw him kicked off the hit TV show Ally McBeal. Struggled with drug abuse throughout the 1990s, and eventually served at least a year and a half in jail and several years on probation and in drug treatment.

boomp3.com

At the afterparty for his latest film, Josh Hartnett managed to crack a slight smile as he saw Kirsten Dunst tucked away in a corner. Hartnett slowly lumbered across the room and over to an increasingly uncomfortable Dunst. Hartnett expressed his gratitude to Dunst for coming out to the party and in a very faint whisper said that it meant a lot to him. Dunst nodded as she looked for an escape from the conversation. Lucky for Dunst, her Elizabethtown co-star Susan Sarandon walked by at that exact moment. Dunst grabbed Sarandon by the shoulder and began to talk a mile a minute about what happened with the 2005 Cameron Crowe film.

[Photo Credit: Getty Images]

*A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

We'll let our informant take the floor and set the pre-Hartnett scene for us:

"Kirsten came in on the early side with a matching blonde wingwoman, and she definitely didn't look like the dirty-haired slob most sightings have depicted her as. She was bubbly, giggly, bouncing from friend to friend near the bar and enjoying the music upstairs. At one point she asked me for a cigarette and a light, so I handed her one, but before I could fetch a lighter, some heroic hipster-y looking guy swept up and took over celebrity cigarette lighting responsibilities. She was smiley all night, wearing a girly grunge flannel shirt and skinny jeans. The Olsen twin came in with a huge posse around the same time, but the two stars didn't say a word to each other all night. The MK/Ashley hybrid planted herself by the DJ's booth and chain-smoked all night while hush-hush gossiping with a tight group of friends."

But it seems that as soon as master thespian Josh showed up around 1am, Dunst abandoned her cigarette bumming and devoted all her attention to the newly shaven star:

"As soon as Josh came in with a couple of wingmen of his own, Kirsten went straight towards him and spent a good half hour laughing and chatting him up by the bar — their faces were so close, they might as well have been eskimo-kissing. And even though Kirsten followed Josh whenever he changed rooms, up the stairs when he went up to survey the dance floor still lorded over by the seated Olsen, and down the stairs when he needed a refill, he was definitely reciprocating. The one non-nauseating sight? Didn't see Dunst take one sip of anything. MK/Olsen/Whichever, on the other hand..."

The icing on the cake? Another source tells us, "My friend saw Josh and Kirsten leave together." And somehow we doubt all that flirting didn't end with a handshake on the curb.

[Photo credit: Getty]

• SPIN ME [NYP]

Graduated With Honors: It may have taken them two or twelve attempts, but so far Lindsay Lohan, Britney Spears and Keith Urban appear to be holding steady after their most recent rehab stints. After promptly driving while wearing cokepants two weeks post-Promises last summer, Lindsay's stay at the trendy Le Cirque led her into the loving lesbian arms of Sam Ronson, the nipple-baring cover of NY Magazine, and out of the vapid Living Lohan spotlight. Britney Spears struck out at three different centers early last year only to wind up spending most of her winter strapped to gurneys, but ever since being treated for “bipolar disorder” at UCLA, the comeback queen has gone an entire three months without dropping a single baby or exchanging fishnets with a single bimbo. As for soon-to-be-dad and onesie expert Keith Urban, the former freebaser’s stay in an unknown center months after marrying Nicole Kidman has proven successful so far, though he is approaching his one-year anniversary since Rehab Stay Number 1. But surely the arrival of a bundle of batface joy will keep him on the straight and narrow.

Wild Cards: First-timers Eva Mendes and Kirsten Dunst both tried to mend their respective drug, booze, depression, and “method acting” vices at Le Cirque this year, but only time will tell if Eva’s so-called research will show its Oscar-worthy face on-screen. As for Dunst, AA classes haven’t stopped the onslaught of gossip claiming the shaky star is still wobbling her way around New York and perfecting her drunk faces of yore. And then there’s our favorite alcohol-snorting songstress Amy Winehouse, who’s tried out so many rehab centers we stopped counting long ago. Sometimes sane on the stage, sometimes making out with Pete Doherty, we can’t even look away from her ever-growing beehive long enough to ponder her chances of success.

Newest Students: Last month Steven Tyler checked in to Las Encinas, suggesting even the glamorous druggie rocker crowd hasn’t entirely cleaned up its act despite Mick Jagger’s immortal hips and Keith Richards’ indestructible face, but spending only three weeks in the slammer and blaming the stay on “foot pain” lead us to believe Tyler’s ongoing love affair with rehab centers isn’t quite over yet. Which leads us to Heather and Shawn. As Us reports, Locklear’s mysterious March evening of 911 calls and denials wasn’t as innocent as her rep claimed at the time. Denise Richards’ personal doormat is said to be dealing with “anxiety and depression” at an in-patient facility, while Larry King’s latest trophy of ten years is allegedly headed to rehab for munching on Generation Rx’s candy of choice: painkillers.

[Photo credits: Splash]

• TOO MUCH PAIN [NY Post]
• HEATHER LOCKLEAR IN REHAB FOR ANXIETY, DEPRESSION [Us]

We address chemical dependency issues. We’re not at all a purely psychiatric facility like Bridges To Recovery, and each patient must undergo a detox for their chemical dependency, whether they’re coming off benzos, you know, cocktails in a pill, or harder substances. We do treat underlying issues, but if someone is suffering solely from chronic depression, we’re not the place to go.

As much as we hate delivering bad news (really!), it looks as though Dunst is simply pulling a Mendes by chalking up whatever uppers, downers and brand of Grandpa's Lemonade she'd been overdoing to a much more pleasant-sounding "problem." Not to mention her continuous public appearances in New York this month looking "wobbly" and generally lushing it up all over town. We wish her a speedy recovery but, as Goldenfiddle reminds us, "The first step is admitting you have a problem."

• KIRSTEN DUNST BATTLES DEPRESSION, NOT DRUGS AND ALCOHOL [E!]
• KIRSTEN DUNST 'WOBBLES' BUT SHE DOESN'T FALL DOWN [NYDN]
• The First Step Is Admitting You Have A Problem [Goldenfiddle]

We’ll start off by letting you know that Andy “plans to start producing ‘major, major movies.’” Of course, he’s no stranger to the big screen, having nabbed bit parts in Winged Creatures and the classic Final Destination 4, in addition to 11 other roles he doesn’t seem so keen on sharing with the Metromix reporter. But clever Andy has moved on from that silly acting biz. As the owner of three totally exclusive, totally VIP LA clubs, he now feels free to wear “baggy brown cords, a wrinkled blue nylon jacket and a straw fedora” without shame. Now that takes balls.

You know what else takes balls? Cruising around town in a black pickup truck, his ride of choice. But really, Andy deserves a gold star for a comment regarding his decision to reject Britney Spears from Winston’s last Halloween: “Fiscella banned [Britney] after she forced a bartender to trade Halloween costumes with her. ‘I didn’t want to profit from her being a fucking train wreck.’” Right, because his admitted adoration of Kirsten Dunst and Paris Hilton really proves he is far too highbrow for the likes of Britney. But the truth is, we shouldn’t be so harsh on little Andy. Not only was the little guy adopted, he had the misfortunate of learning that from a grade-school bully. And really, what better way to bounce back from a trauma like that than to become a professional grown-up bully yourself?

• THE KING OF CROWN BAR [LA Observed]