During the singer's first tour of love with original Mayer groupie Jessica Simpson, his girlfriend displayed an eerily similar series of uber-fan moves by schlepping along a big camera to take mid-performance pictures with and "rocking out" at his concerts. But Simpson's unsurprising lack of actual knowledge when it came to his song lyrics and tendency to steal Mayer's thunder by distracting the crowd with her awkward dance moves and lip syncing. And Aniston is continuing the star status-for-headlines narrative by proving herself to be the main attraction during his shows and, according to PopCrunch, behaving every bit like the notoriously jealous Jessica and having potentially man-stealing starlets like Kimberly Stewart ejected from the audience. With all the off-stage girl drama that comes with a John Mayer performance, it looks like any press he actually receives for his career is directly related to how big of an ass his current paramour can possibly make of herself gig after gig.

• JEN HELPS JOHN KICK OFF HIS SUMMER TOUR [People]

While his mop top was still intact, Law was linked to Miller, Natalie Portman and underwear model Susan Hoecke. But with no prospects recently, the British press see this dalliance with Stewart as his way of "slumming it." As for Kimberly, who's made a living dating other stars' leftovers like Calum Best and Cisco Adler, she hasn't done herself any favors by offering up her reputation to the feisty UK tabloids and their claws. On the plus side, Rod Stewart could finally have a prospective son-in-law; too bad they won't be able to trade hair tips.

[Photo credits: The Sun]

• RUDE JUDE WITH ROD'S GIRL [The Sun]

According to Showbiz Spy, Amy and Kelly were hanging out with Kimberly Stewart and Winehouse producer Mark Ronson at London's Bungalow 8, where the crew quickly grew tired of same-old same-old rounds of shots (20 of them? Yawn!). So what to do next? According to a source, Amy "covered one nostril, tilted her head back and sucked the vodka shot down her open nostril through a straw. 'She threw back her head and reeled in shock and everyone around her looked stunned.'" (We don't think the UN will be too pleased upon reading this, eh?) But before you rush home to play with your friends, be wary of Showbiz Spy's helpful warning: "The game is particularly dangerous because it gets alcohol absorbed directly into the bloodstream." Not to worry though, we're pretty sure that's the point!

• AMY WINEHOUSE HORRIFIES FRIENDS AFTER SNORTING SHOTS OF VODKA [Showbiz Spy]

ENGAGEMENT-happy rock spawn Kimberly Stewart needs to learn the names of movie-industry power players if she wants to pursue an acting career. While partying with a gaggle of girlfriends at Mansion in South Beach last weekend, she kept introducing blockbuster-maker Jerry Bruckheimer, who was at the table next to hers, as fellow popcorn schlockster Michael Bay. We're told Bruckheimer never corrected the tipsy Stewart and seemed to get a kick out of the mistaken identity.

Bruckheimer may have been a good sport about the mistake (it's certainly not the first time a chick mixed up the frequent collaborators after a couple of chocolate martinis), but Stewart's probably ruined her chances of playing "Dogwalking Bimbo #3" in his next movie, a small, but pivotal, character who is tragically mowed down by an out-of-control Hummer as it jumps the sidewalk, pulverizing her, a pair of pink Ugg boots, and an adorable bichon frise. Sure, the scene sounds tragic, but the pathos of the moment is expertly lightened up when star Will Smith, the runaway Hummer's intended victim, quips out of the side of his mouth, "Daaaaamn, girl. That shit is nasty!"

• SEEING DOUBLE [NY Post]

"It was just too soon to enter into a lifelong commitment," their representatives said in a joint statement. "It is better to have a brief engagement than a short marriage. The couple continue to share their time together and remain open to whatever the future may hold."

We know, we know, it's hard, but they need us more than ever right now. Resist the urge to panic about who gets custody of the Xbox that's what lawyers are for. Instead of focusing on the failure, focus on what was accomplished: two famous-for-being-marginally-famous non-talents perpetuating a cynical, self-serving PR scam that in just ten days managed to dwarf media coverage of the war in Iraq. Their's was the fake-love mass-opiate that melted all of our hearts, particularly Star Magazine's, who once again seems to be in a state of celebrity break up denial.

• Stewart and Torriero Call Off Engagement [AP]
• TALAN'S CRAZY FOR KIMBERLY! [Star]
• Previously: Kimberly Stewart's Fake Wedding Venue To Have Paparazzi Dressed As Elvis [Defamer]
• Bored Rich: Kimberly Stewart Pretends To Be Engaged To Laguna Beach Guy [Defamer]

KIMBERLY Stewart, 26, is in a hurry to marry Laguna Beach reality show star Talan Torriero, 19. They announced their engagement yesterday. "Talan's mother is hysterically crying. She is not happy," said a source. "They are getting their paperwork together to get married in Vegas this weekend. They want to do it right away" presumably before the passion fades. Stewart, daughter of rock legend Rod, just broke up with Girls Gone Wild creator Joe Francis. She was betrothed to Mischa Barton's new beau, Cisco Adler, earlier this year.

Ignoring for a moment the sweet temptation of commenting on the incestuous clusterfuck orgy of boldfaced boneheads that brought this item to a close, let us turn our attention instead to the remarkable similarities this story bears to the Quickie Marriage That Time Forgot, Nicky Hilton's ten-minute betrothal to some bald guy. That too took place in a Vegas chapel and seemed like nothing more than Paris' misguided attempt to beef up her sister's US Weekly coverage. (Of course, no one really cared or remembered Nicky is sort of like the Ford Escort of gossip targets.) Perhaps this sequel plan was hatched the night of the now infamous crash, in the Bentley itself, that rolling thinktank of attention whoredom's greatest minds. After much giggling and "do you really think we can get away with it?"s, we imagine Paris forcing all four to a pinkie swear of secrecy, seconds before the moment of impact.

• Rush to Altar [NY Post]
• Previously: Bored Rich: Kimberly Stewart Pretends To Be Engaged To Laguna Beach Guy [Defamer]
• Defamer Party Report: The Usuals Turn Out For Free XBoxes [Defamer]
• News Analysis: The Nicky Hilton Vegas Wedding [Defamer]

Stewart, the 26-year-old daughter of singer Rod Stewart, and Torriero, 19, are engaged, People magazine reported Thursday. Torriero s spokesman, Jack Ketsoyan, confirmed the couple s plans to the magazine.

Stewart also confirmed the engagement to Us Weekly, saying, We re getting married. [...]

Torriero, who stars on the MTV high school reality show, has said he s attempting to start a music career.

Our hearts are on fire with happiness for the couple, who in what seems like mere days, but in actuality has been entire weeks, have shared both good times (free Xboxs!) and bad (car accidents!), and who finally have decided to take that huge step. We shall check our inbox daily for our invitations to what will no doubt be the event of next year, replete with 8-tiered cake fashioned entirely from the finest Bolivian cocaine and eggwhites, and guests greeted with a welcoming, "Which side are you here for? Transparent career opportunism or soul-numbing spoiled girl boredom?" at the door.

• Kimberly Stewart to wed Laguna Beach star [MSNBC.com/AP]
• Previously: Paris Hilton s Late Night Wreck [Defamer]