15. Russian Glamour, June 2009
Beyoncé's skin looked digitally darkened on the cover of Russian Glamour — and the editors had a guide! A magazine called Joy used the same shot in December 2007. Was something lost in translation? Save your "black Russian" jokes until the end.

14. L'Oreal, August 2008
Beyoncé's skin seemed very light in ads for Feria haircolor. One theory: she was washed out by the strong lighting usually used in shooting hair.

13. Vogue, November 2009
The cast of Nine is chock-full of gorgeous women, but this shot is a mindscramble of random rays of sunlight in hair and dresses with edges so sharp they look like they're for paper dolls. As I wrote in October: "I'm guessing [Annie] Leibovitz shot them each separately and then did a composite, but when you have a person who doesn't cast a shadow on the lady next to her, then that person is a vampire." Poor Kate Hudson looks like she was slapped on as an afterthought.

12. Complex, April/May 2009
Kim Kardashian's waist was cinched, her thighs were slimmed, her skin skin smoothed out and her hairline was cleaned up. Plus, her head appears to be a different shape in the "after" image. Who would have thought a skull could be made "sexier"?

11. Self, September 2009
Kelly Clarkson's "Total Body Confidence" came from digitally slimming her waist and behind. Two Self editors explained that the cover: "is not, as in a news photograph, journalism. It is, however, meant to inspire women to want to be their best."

10. King Arthur poster, 2004
Movie marketers felt they must, they must, they must increase the bust. Ironically, Keira Knightley told the Guardian that she lost her chest, doing archery and preparing for the role:

To fight, convincingly, shoulder to shoulder, she had to do that thing that is so de rigueur, which is totally to change your body shape. "I was about three times the size I am now. It worried me, but it was cool, it was a body that was doing what it should do. I haven't got a clue because I don't weigh myself, but it was all muscle and I was big. My neck disappeared. My chest flattened even more. It wasn't the most feminine thing in the world, but it worked for the part, because there was strength there, and it was needed."

Of course, Hollywood can't imagine a world in which people would see a movie starring an athletic, flat-chested woman. So a digital boob job followed.

9. Redbook, July 2007
The crazy thing about the Faith Hill Redbook cover is not that it was Photoshopped — it's that this is the standard amount of digital altering that goes into a cover. Unlike some true Photoshop disasters, there are no alarming mistakes here to tip you off. That makes it easy to accept the retouched image without even blinking. Faith Hill is a beautiful woman. But she needed 11 different kinds of alterations before she could be on the cover of Redbook. What a world.

8. Campari calendar, 2008
Jessica Alba: Just another woman whose real body wasn't good enough. In this case, her waist needed to be nipped in so she could shill liquor.

7. Vogue, May 2008
RoboGwyneth looks like a robot, or an alien, depending on whom you ask. One thing is for sure: Her head and neck are not in the same space-time continuum.

6. Redbook, June 2003
Jennifer Aniston's head was placed on to Jennifer Aniston's body — from another photo shoot. At the time, her publicist, Steven Huvane, said: "It's a combination of three pictures. If you're going to do it, then at least match her head up to her body, and make the neck look like it belongs to her. I still can't figure out which exact picture the face came from." A Redbook spokeswoman downplayed the changes: "The only things that were altered in the cover photo were the color of her shirt and the length of her hair, very slightly, in order to reflect her current length."

The neck does look alarmingly unreal, and her head and waist are out of sync somehow. Angelina is surely to blame.

5.Redbook, July 2003
The month after the Aniston debacle, Redbook was at it again: According to USA Today, "[Julia's] head comes from a paparazzi shot taken at the 2002 People's Choice awards. Her body, meanwhile, is from the Notting Hill movie premiere [in 1999]." Julia's publicist, Marcy Engelman, said, at the time: "It's a shame they didn't use the body that went with the head, because it was a great Giorgio Armani pantsuit (that she wore to the People's Choice awards)."

4. Newsweek, March 2005
The editors used Martha's head and a model's body, because Ms. Stewart was still in jail when the issue was being put together. It wasn't supposed to be a photograph, anyway, it was art: "The piece that we commissioned was intended to show Martha as she would be, not necessarily as she is,'' Lynn Staley, assistant managing editor at Newsweek, told The New York Times. Staley acknowledged that the cover carried a disclaimer: ''In this case, we identified this piece as a photo illustration." As Martha would say, it's a "good thing" you did.

3. Seventeen, May 2003
Think about all the Buffy plots which could have been orchestrated around Sarah Michelle Gellar's weird wrist appendage over there on the left, if her arm actually looked like that.

2. GQ, February 2003.
Some people saw Titanic over and over again — but they never saw those legs, on the left. Kate Winslet was pissed about being trimmed down on this cover, saying:

"The retouching is excessive. I do not look like that and more importantly I don't desire to look like that. I actually have a Polaroid that the photographer gave me on the day of the shoot… I can tell you they've reduced the size of my legs by about a third. For my money it looks pretty good the way it was taken."

1. Ralph Lauren Blue Label ad, October 2009
In which model Filippa Hamilton was turned into a string of spaghetti.

Ok!
"How I Lost 10 Lbs In 10 Days."
Margaret found this story offensive. Here's how it starts: "Until recently, it seemed you couldn't have a strawberry festival or a chili cook-off without Jessica Simpson showing up to take the stage…" Sources say that Jess has "already peeled off" 10 pounds in ten days. And the story is called her "revenge bikini diet." The mag says "She doesn't want to be an even larger target" and "she doesn't want to play the role of pitiful plump punchline any longer." OH GOD. Then the story turns into an ad for Harley Pasternak's fitness plan. Next: The subhead on this Gosselin story reads: "As her husband Jon sows his oats with two 20-something blondes, a shocked Kate braves her public humiliation with quiet dignity." Ay yi yi. Also, didn't he already sow some oats, like 8 of them? Anyway, he might appear on Celebrity Apprentice; Kate might get hair extensions and plastic surgery. "Is Rebbie Right For Michael's Kids?" Apparently Janet Jackson did some "soul-searching" and decided to pass on being the "mom" of Paris, Prince and Blanket. Rebbie is the most down-to-earth of the Jacksons, is very stable and has been married to her high school sweetheart for 40 years. The bad news: She lives in Las Vegas, and so does Joe Jackson. Oh, look! A made-up story about Jennifer Aniston: She invited Gerard Butler to lunch in her trailer on the set of their movie and "calmly" said, "let's just be friends." Lastly: You know how it was a big deal that Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart woud see each other at Comic-Con, and there were supposed to be "steamy nights"? Kristen told a friend she hugged Rob but it felt awkward. Boo.
Grade: F (poked with a dirty syringe)

In Touch
"Exclusive: My Dream Wedding."
Well, the cover is a big lie: It says: "Summer's gorgeous brides share intimate details about their big day." Yet! The magazine did not speak to Penelope Cruz, Rachel Bilson, Anne Hathaway, or any other women in the feature. And more than half of the ladies are not engaged. The magazine speaks to wedding experts from wedding TV shows and wedding dress designers, and then whips up sketches of dresses, floral arrangements and possible honeymoon destinations for each celebrity — using an old quote to hammer home the point. For instance, Anne Hathaway once said, "I'm not the sort of girl who dreams about her wedding," and that's what is used here. It's boring and stoopid, says Margaret. Moving on: "Brad's Furious: Angelina Takes Maddox To Iraq." She was on a UN Goodwill Mission, though, you know? A 7-year-old is probably okay. Once the news broke that Jon Gosselin was dating both Hailey Glassman and Kate Major, he had a "rough day trying to calm both of them down. It was dramatic." Hailey's brother Sean was overheard saying: "He seemed like such a nice guy… but he was two-timing her with that blonde reporter girl." Since In Touch has been claiming that Jon and Hailey were engaged, now they're saying that his proposal was "drunk and impulsive." In "Hollywood Body Watch," we learn "Who's Up Who's Down," meaning: Weight. Tyra Banks is down, Jessica Alba is down, Hilary Duff is up. Avril Lavigne was seen partying on the French Riviera with oil heir Brandon Davis while her husband was in Las Vegas. Is she having an affair? Mischa Barton can't go to rehab, because she'd violate her contract with CW show The Beautiful Life, so she's in an outpatient program and has a sober companion instead. A "friend" says: "She thinks it's silly, but she doesn't have a choice." Lastly: In "The Secret Ways Stars Hook Up," we learn that John Mayer leaves his guitar by his bed, so that when he gives ladies a tour of the house, he can stop and play "Your Body Is A Wonderland." Plus: Bad pick-up lines (Fig. 1)!
Grade: D-, downgraded to F+ for lame cover story (rotting meat covered with maggots)

Life & Style
"Kim's Heartbreak."
Hmm, since the breakup was mutual, why is it only Kim's heartbreak? Anyway, Kim Kardashian and Reggie Bush couldn't make it work because long distance relationships are hard. "Kim's sad, but she's diving into work," says a friend. Tragically, 28-year-old Kim once said "I want to be a mom before I'm 30." So she'd better get on that. Moving on: Jon Gosselin has been spending all of the family's money (Fig 2). He bought $900 shoes; his rent is $5,000 a month; he bought a $50,000 BMW and spent $400 on dinner with Michael Lohan. Priorities! Kourtney Kardashian says: "I finally love my boob job." Eight years ago, she says, "I wanted to go back to school with new boobs. I was so dumb." Luckily, now, she likes her C cups. In "Stars' Figure Flaws Fixed!" We learn that Blake Lively's defect is that she is "tall"; Isla Fisher's problem is that she is "petite," and Kate Bosworth's issue is that she is "boyish." Plus, Jamie-Lynn Sigler, who has spoken openly about her anorexia and bulimia, is deemed "pear-shaped." Margaret likes the "before" on 3 out of 4 of these damn "fixes." Also: THESE PEOPLE DO NOT HAVE FLAWS. (Fig. 3) Lastly: Amy Winehouse's courtroom sketch was pretty much the best thing in this issue (Fig. 4).
Grade: F+ (food teeming with flies)

Us
"Jessica's Nightmare: The Other Woman."
The "other woman" is named Natalie Smith and she is the daughter of an athletic director from Eastern Illinois University, where Tony Romo went to school. Tony has known her and her parents for years — they're family friends — but days after dumping Jessica Simpson, he flew Smith to Dallas for a "three-day rendez-vous" at his home. "They're not officially dating, but they have an intimate relationship," says a source. Smith says: "Honestly, this is crazy. We have always been friends and there is nothing else to it." Tony's rep denies any affair. Jessica Simpson's weight was one of the reasons they broke up, though: When the media would say things about Jess's body, Tony would say "well you do look a little pudgy." Next: Jon Gosselin's "friend" Kate Major calls Michael Lohan her "second dad." Naturally, Lindsay Lohan has something to say about that: "Yuck. She and my dad, like, lied to me and stuff." Wait, what? Be more specific! Anyway, kids' clothing maker HealthTex decided to pull products Kate Gosselin had endorsed, but one shipment went out to Midwestern Wal-Marts. Next, there's a six-page interview and photoshoot with Nadya Suleman, mother of octuplets — including what the inside of her refrigerator looks like — but it's SO BORING. She does have a book coming out, though. When does she have time to write? By the by, 26 across in the Gosselin Crossword is "I did not _____ Kate." Lastly, we're loving these old yearbook photos — did Kendra have a nose job? (Fig. 5)
Grade: D- (used condoms)

Star
"The Real Story."
Kate Major, who up until recently, worked for Star, and maybe still does, tells Star how she met Jon Gosselin, and how she felt "pangs of guilt" when he interview Jon and Hailey, since she was attracted to Jon and later went out to dinner with him and then to the Hamptons with him and Michael Lohan. In any case, Kate says "I think we have a future together," and seems to think that Jon will break up with Hailey and stay with her. Moving on: Michael Cera broke up with Charlene Yi, his girlfriend of 3 years — she is 33; he is 21. They're just starting a promotional push for Paper Heart, so that should be interesting. Kevin Federline cheated on Victoria Prince — he and his brother rented a yacht and picked up "a bunch of hotties" to party with; then took the ladies back to K-Fed's house, "where things got really wild." Brad Pitt travels with his own toilet seat, because it grosses him out to not know used the bathroom before him. Kirsten Dunst has been sending flirty text messages to Robert Pattinson; she thinks he would be the ideal boyfriend. She needs to get in line behind like, a million Twihards. Blind item! "Which blonde former teen singing-acting sensation hooked up with a woman twice his age? Even though he's young, his cougar fling is bragging that he was experienced beyond his years." Jessica Simpson and Kenny Chesney were both at the same crowded beach party in Florida on 4th of July, and since Jessica sat next to him for a second and spoke to him the magazine calls it a "PUBLIC AFFAIR." Next there's this picture they're using for a story called "Brad & Angelina's Bitter Blowout" which is really a shot of Brad & Angie in the car asking the kids what they want at the drive through at McDonald's. And if you read carefully, the text supports that, too. Lastly: In "What A Difference A Year Makes," the mag estimates that Alanis Morissette has put on 20 lbs. and Hilary Duff has gained 45 lbs.
Grade: D- (decomposing vegetables)

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OK!
"Love, Lust & Lies." The inside story does not live up to its lame selling point on the cover, since it is just a package of pretty headshots of male celebrities with random relationship quotes. Also, it is called "How To Snag An A-List Guy," but we thought it said "How To Shag An A-List Guy," which we would have preferred. Moving on: Apparently Chris Brown has been calling Rihanna's producer and "demanding" to know if Rihanna is there; Rihanna always says, "Tell him I'm not here." Kimora Lee Simmons says her baby shower was "last minute and low-key." [Fig. 1] But here's what she had: Sliced prime rib; lobster; crab; shrimp; caviar; poached salmon; macaroni and cheese; a fondue fountain with white chocolate, fruit and marshmallows; red velvet cake; Jamaican rum cake and strawberry shortcake. Don't you love a recession? Something Kelly Ripa said at the very end of an interview got turned into a headline: "I Look My Age." Here's her quote: "I don't think I really look that young. I think I look my age, but that's okay, I don't mind that." Then there's a Mother's Day shopping page which suggests a $595 orange bag, a $1350 Tiffany necklace or a $48 candle.
Grade: F (swine flu)

In Touch
"Brad Takes The Kids." …To Niagara Falls. Seriously, the story goes like this: Brad took Pax and Maddox to Niagara Falls, and the copy reads: "While Brad was clearly trying to make it a fun day for the boys, there was no missing the sadness etched into his face." Anyway, the only reason he keeps coming back to live with Angelina is "purely for the children's sake." This story contradicts itself! First it reads, "During the Niagara Falls trip, Angelina was conspicuously absent." Later in the paragraph, this: "Angelina, who was shooting in Albany…" She was busy, people. Then there's a sidebar called "Will She Get Pregnant To Keep Brad?" Because he could walk out on six kids, but not seven. There's also an arrow pointing to her abdomen with the words, "Is that a bump?" Next: Fergie and Josh Duhamel are "getting ready" for a baby, apparently because 34-year-old Fergs said she wanted to have kids by the time she is 35 and her birthday is coming up. Also inside: "Stressed Out Lindsay Is Down To 97 Pounds." The mag helpfully prints arrows pointing to her bones [Fig. 2]. A friend says "She is stressed out and nervous. She can't eat." Registered dietician Joseph J. Mutz, who does not treat Lindsay, warns: "Whatever the reason is behind Lindsay's obvious weight loss, her health is certainly in danger." In a story about the wedding of Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt, we learn that their families were stuck in the back rows of the church while cast members of The Hills — including JustinBobby — sat up front. In "Octomom" news, a limo driver named Luis Ceballos says "I want to get a DNA test on that first kid." Luis used to drive Nadya Suleman around back when she was a stripper/dancer. He says he had unprotected sex "in the back my limo. right around the time she stopped stripping and disappeared, I found out she was pregnant. That is why I think the kid is mine." In Touch agrees, printing the words, "They look so similar!" [Fig. 3]. In Twilight news, Robert Pattinson is "living it up" because he was photographed having a drink and getting into a cab [Fig. 4] Even though the photos are laid out to seem like one long night of partying, they're clearly from different days. A source says, "He's definitely getting the hang of this heartthrob thing."
Grade: D- (pig sty)

Us
"Caught With Other Woman." Jon Gosselin of Jon & Kate Plus 8 might be having an affair. He went out to a club in Reading, PA and wasn't wearing his wedding ring. He and a woman who is not his wife left from separate exits, but both got in his car. He was heard saying: "Hey babe, babe! Give me my jacket." When the two realized photographers had caught them and were taking pix, Jon panicked and said: "Get in the car! Get in the car!" The ladyfriend got in the driver sear and they sped off without headlights. Dramz! Kate was away at a book signing while all this was going on. One neighbor says that Jon is living in the apartment above the garage. Jon emailed the magazine with this explanation: "I went to [the club] to speak to the owner. A friend of mine wanted to check out my car. So I let her drive it to her car." Uh, right. This story goes on for 6 pages if you're interested. There's a Lindsay Lohan story titled "Is She Too Thin?" A Lohan source says: "The eating stuff is a big control issue for Lindsay. She can't control her career or relationship with Sam or what people say about her, but she can just not eat." Then Lindsay texted Us, saying: "I am eating hash browns with eggs and bacon AS WE SPEAK! Lol." The magazine adds: "Her wheat toast, a magazine worker told Us, remained untouched." Multiple sources tell the mag that Lindsay is taking Adderall; another source says "she loves when her ribs are showing."
Grade: C- (pig knuckles)

Star
"Mom At Last!" Jennifer Aniston is adopting a baby boy, and Brad Pitt urged her to do it. An "insider" says she's finishing up paperwork and waiting to bring home her little bundle of joy, who is an American baby. A friend says she picked a boy because she is a tomboy at heart and not a girly-girl. The insider says, "This is definitely happening, and it's incredibly exciting for Jen." She was "toying" with the names William and Jeremiah, but finally settled on "Nicholas," to "honor her Greek heritage." The middle name will be John, not because of John Mayer, but because her dad's name is John. Moving on: Blind item! "Which reality TV sweetie is actually a huge diva? She whips off her mic and disappears for days when she doesn't want to be filmed. The crew can't wait to get rid of her." The story titled "LC Ruins Speidi's Wedding" claims that Lauren Conrad arrived at the church about 10 minutes before the ceremony, "but she wasn't about to sit there waiting. She got up and left the church and went for a walk to get away from the crazy scene." When she came back, the ceremony was already underway, but instead of just sitting the back, LC strolled up the aisle and took her original seat. "She showed little respect," says an insider. Or did producers TELL HER to leave and come back? Another insider said "The whole thing had a cheesy feel to it, it was more like one of Spencer and Heidi's publicity stunts than a wedding." The stars of The Hills only came because they were contractually obligated; Heidi tossed her bouquet on the front steps of the church because none of the Hills stars went to the reception. Anyway, Kristin Cavallari "caught" the bouquet and guess who stars in the next season of The Hills? Moving on: Sarah Jessica Parker is having twins via a surrogate. The mag prints a blurred picture of the woman, who is due July 18, and lives in SJP's home state of Ohio. She's 26, divorced, with one son, works at a kennel and is getting $30,000 to carry the kids. She'd already been a surrogate for two gay men in NYC, which is why SJP picked her. The babies were conceived in vitro using eggs SJP had frozen some time ago & Matthew's sperm. An "insider" says, "Twins is one more than they expected, but they are very happy and excited. It has brought them closer, because it is something they are doing together." There's a 2-page spread titled "How Kim Got Lil' Again." (She got meals delivered and started working out.) Is Angelina pregnant? She was seen wearing an empire-waist dress!!!! Hey, can you guess a celebrity by her silohuette [Fig. 5]? Lastly, "Twinkle Twinkle Little Stars" is celebrity baby pictures. Check out Ryan Seacrest's blue eyeshadow [Fig. 6]!
Grade: C (pig skins)

Life & Style
"I Have Cellulite. So What!" The "exclusive 100% unretouched photos" of Kim Kardashian wearing her mom's bikini are actually kind of boring [Fig. 7,8]. She says she wanted to do the shoot because of the Complex controversy: "I wanted to say, this is me, take it or leave it." She also says: "I love my body the way it is. I'm not perfect. I have cellulite. So what." And: "On the red carpet, the paparazzi scream for me to turn around, because they just want butt shots. People feel so free to talk about my butt, and it's not comfortable. Girls come up to me and grab my butt. Or if I'm doing a TV interview, people ask on camera to squeeze my butt. It's uncomfortable. I'm like, let's move on, everyone's got a butt, why do you care about mine?" In the Heidi/Spencer wedding story, it says that Spencer's parents almost didn't attend the wedding — not because they didn't approve, but because of the cameras: "When they started the show three years ago, my husband and I decided we didn't want to be on it," says Spencer's mom says. "We want nothing to do with it. We sat in the back so we wouldn't be filmed." When one reception ended at 10pm, Heidi changed into a white Juicy Couture sweatsuit with Mrs. Pratt on the back, and they all went to another bar for more cocktails. Also: Heidi is in negotiations to do Playboy. The story titled "Jen's Picking The Wrong Guys Again" is absurd. The mag says her "crushes" are Sean Avery and John Stamos. Avery is a "bad boy" and didn't call her back; Stamos doesn't date celebrities anymore. Someone who will date her? Aaron Sorkin. He's been pushing for a get-together, but "his history of drug problems scared her off." An "insider" says, "Jen admits she can't resist the dark side of men. So you can bet whoever she hooks up with next is going to wind up hurting her." C'mon now. That is just rude. "Is Lindsay's New Addiction Making Her Skinny?" A "friend" says, "when she gets stressed, she forgets to eat." The mag says, "but she doesn't forget to drink!" Apparently Lindsay loves Neuro energy drinks. So much that she's addicted. Lastly, in unrelated news, Extra's Dayna Devon says, "I Love My Tummy Tuck!"
Grade: C+ (spare ribs)

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Here's your first glimpse at lavender-belt karatetards Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt, and amply-caboosed Armenian royalty Kim Kardashian, taping their Mother guest spots. All three will play loose caricatures of human beings (i.e. themselves), who come magically to life on the cover of a fictional celeb glossy called Them. We know! We can hardly wait either!

• Video: 'How I Met Your Mother' meets 'The Hills' [THR]

Love's first salvo came last night and was entitled, "peta etc whose that girl with the big boobies?/RICO statutes." As one could no doubt infer from the title's ingenious blending of high and low culture, the entry was principally concerned with extending Love's feud with the Kardashian family, as well as examining the identity thieves who have embezzled from her. There are also segments like this:

my mortgage fraud strikes me as not only New York NJ GA TX and PA and CT problems, its very very much a California problem, weve got 27 legitimate Cobains in the USA and no "Kobanes"Kobains" o otherwise, yet i have over 9800 deeds , and theyre all the tip of the iceberg because my mac is so hacked when i get a piece of data it changes so now curtiss leeorthmann is KELLY RIPA
Kelly r IPA
IPA KELLY CONSUELAS IPPA
Ripa Kelly w
kelly-rippa
to a computer like at experian that "-" is a z or an r, its a etter, so Curtiss is Kelly Ipa Ripa i didnt take her for a soho gal 16 spring? 76 crosby? endless arkansas properties?

As best we can tell by running this through our Courtney Love Translator (which has begun to raise a feeble white flag, and yet we press on), Love's legal troubles inspired her to go on a real estate feedback loop, where she researched the real estate holdings of one Ms. Kelly Ripa. We'll take her word on "16 spring" and the "endless arkansas properties," but a Google search reveals that Ripa does reside at "16 spring" (along with Gawker Media overlord Nick Denton!). We would suggest that Ripa immediately confer with her doorman in case a dessicated singer should show up in flapper rags at 3am, ready to watch True Blood and bash Madonna.

Then, this morning, Love's "Myspace Administrator" posted another blog entry announcing a delay of her upcoming album, which apparently was due to be released online today. The culprits? Ghosts and hip-hop artists!

The Studio that Courtney and her band were using to record had some paranormal technical issues and had to be moved from one studio to another studio right around the holidays due to some technical sound issues that everyone, including Beinhorn who is a master and a genius was not happy with. Courtney and crew could not hear between guitars. Sound and vocal mixings have to be completed still to perfection.
if Courtney had it her way she would have it the studios sound checked first but it was originally use as a hip hop rap studio so the acoustics were all fucked up.

The Artwork is pretty much done..Courtney has 30 million dollars in sponsorships,
from a prominent feminine hygiene/menstrual company and a prominent tequila company ??? and Courtney doesn't even understand that part!

Nor do we, "Courtney Love's Myspace Administrator." Nevertheless, we eagerly anticipate the release of Love's next album, Jose Cuervo Presents: Kotex.

• peta etc whose that girl with the big boobies?/RICO statutes [Myspace]

• Nobody’s Daughter [Myspace]

To recap: Love claimed that Kardashian's brother Rob had gay-bashed one of her employees outside Hyde while a conflicted Brody Jenner looked on, unable to produce any sort of cry for help besides, "How's my hair, brah?" Now, Ms. Kardashian has crafted a post addressing the matter that basically accuses Love of writing nonsensically (an irony, since it was her most coherent post in...ever) and says merely that something else happened that's maybe different, but she won't divulge what:

A lot of what she wrote doesn’t even make much sense and doesn’t follow a clear train of thought... At one point she says Brody was there too and that someone yelled discriminatory expletives against gay people, but I honestly can’t figure out who she is accusing because her writing is so bad.

All I know is that both Brody and Rob didn’t do anything close to what Ms. Love has described.

My entire family’s response is this: We are so saddened to hear that someone is blogging this insanity on Christmas Eve. Everything this person writes is obviously untrue and we will forward this terrible nonsense to our attorneys. Merry Christmas!

We're certain Kardashian's attorneys will enthusiastically file that one away along with Kardashian v. Anonymous Defamer Tipster. Kim, perhaps all this agita could be avoided if you would merely take Courtney's eternal, stress-relieving advice to "feel what it feels like to get fucked in the ass by a piece of fruit and you will feel the sweet sweet release...of coming into your own TRUE self!" Come to think of it, haven't we seen you do that already?

[Photo Credit: AP]

• Courtney Love: Christmas Grinch [Kim Kardashian]

After one of her employees was attacked by Kim Kardashian's little brother Rob, Love repaired to her Myspace journal to detail the incident and get in a few jabs of her own. And they're relatively coherent, suggesting that outrage has a stabilizing effect on Love's notoriously grammar-loose sensibility:

what i am about to direct is something many of you can relate to, and hopefully are disgusted by..which is the icky trend of straight heterosexual males who commit hate crimes that are secretly in the closet, yes, Rob Kardashian the son of the discgr3aceful Robert Kardashian who represented a cold blooded murderer and made lots and lots of money..well rob jr cold socked and punched my employee right in his face for no reason and broke his nose after my guy was hanging out with his pal Brody Jenner one night outside hyde lounge closed, right after yelling the words "FAGGOT FAGGOT FAGGOT!" My guy has 3 witnesses who saw rob jump out of the SUV and because of the fact that he works for me, a woman of power, you broke his nose and caused blood to shed.

[...]

Let me be inviting to you my darling rob because i am SUCH A BIG FAN OF HATE CRIMES and homophobic fruit cake assholes like you this around this holiday season, It's all about self acceptance and particular in your case the acceptance of your own homosexuality, Lets be pals and go shopping at The Grove and go "STRAIGHT" to Ab and Fitch store while the techno music blasts really loud and find you a tight tee shirt for our big night at Rage in Weho, lets ditch these trendy B list clubs and lets dance dance dance where we can be free, and drink cosmos and have no one make fun of us, you can also wear your sisters underwear, I promise I will keep it a secret, but first let me invite you over and lets have a Mac Cosmetics Dazzleglass date night.

Will Rob respond with his own version of the incident, thereby continuing the series of vehicle-adjacent Rashomons that the Kardashians so often find themselves embroiled in? Or will he take Love up on her offer to "feel what it feels like to get fucked in the ass by a piece of fruit and you will feel the sweet sweet release rob of coming into your own TRUE self!" Courtney, that's your solution to everything.

[Photo Credit: Bauer-Griffin]

• not so hot: hate crimes [Myspace]

Kid Rock: We're pretty sure there was only one reason why the Kid Rock/Scott Stapp sex tape was ever released: to prove (to someone, we don't know who) that these two a) have (or at least had) groupies and b) have received oral sex. We're pretty sure we didn't need to know either of those things — but hey, that's the world of celeb sex tapes for you.

Joanie "Chyna" Laurer: Female pro-wrestlers don't get nearly enough attention in the press—though we're not really sure that the kind of attention that Chyna's sex tape generated was really appreciated by her fellow female wrestlers (can you say "inch-long and thick-as-a-pinkie clitoris with a corona resembling the head of a penis"?).

Amy Fisher: Given that Amy Fisher's biggest claim to fame was shooting someone in the face, it is, perhaps, a little odd that she followed that up with her very own sex tape. Then again, Amy's criminal career was spawned by an affair she had with the much older Buttafuoco. When she was a teenager. And seriously, how hot does "Long Island Lolita: Caught On Tape" sound? (Related, but vastly less hot: the Joey Buttafuoco sex tape.)

Verne Troyer: Next up in our list of unlikely pornstars is Verne Troyer (better known as "Mini-Me."). Though Troyer didn't take too kindly to his time in the spotlight, we feel the release of his sex tape was actually a bit of a public service. Firstly, it taught us all that, no matter how different you may look, there's always someone out there who'll be willing to love you (and commit it to tape!). Secondly, it gave us all a very, very detailed lesson in how not to kiss.

Gene Simmons: And speaking of KISSing (ha!): you can't spell sex, drugs, and rock 'n roll without sex. And no one knows that better than KISS front man Gene Simmons, whose all too brief career in adult entertainment we were more than happy to analyze.

Dustin Diamond: If you'd told us, as kids, that Screech of "Saved by the Bell" fame would one day be the star of his very own sex tape, we probably would have run screaming from the room (well, after having you explain what, exactly, a "sex tape" was). That reaction wouldn't have been so far off: Dustin Diamond's last ditch effort to reclaim the spotlight was pathetic at best—but at the same time, isn't the whole pathetic grasp at fame thing the whole point of a self-released sex tape? (Oh, and also: Dirty Sanchez.)

Jenna Lewis: Screech wasn't the first "celebrity" to cash in on a "stolen" sex tape: that honor goes to Jenna Lewis, better known as Jenna from "Survivor," who raked in over $70,000 (and extended her fifteen minutes of fame) with her very own sex tape.

Kim Kardashian: And then, of course, there was Kim Kardashian's romp with R&B star Ray J. We never really figured out why Kim was supposed to be a celebrity, but at least she managed to make it with someone with at least a little bit of cred. And, for that matter, Kardashian managed to rake in a decent amount of money, too (much as she denied that she had had any part in the tape's public launch).

Colin Farrell and Nicole Narain: Given that Colin Farrell and former Playboy Playmate are two people we'd actually want to see get it on (as opposed to, well, many of the people who made this list), we were largely convinced that their rumored sex tape had to be a hoax. Yet somehow, it wasn't! See, sometimes the powers that be really do listen to our prayers.

Paris Hilton: Paris's tape hits the top of our list not so much for its quality (it's shot in night vision, for one thing, and Paris was never much of performer) but instead for its cultural significance. Before her flirtation with amateur porn, Paris was just a D-list party girl and hotel chain heiress; post-"One Night in Paris," she was a full-fledged C-list celebutante with her very own reality show. Using a sex tape to eke out a modicum of fame and launch oneself into the spotlight? Brilliant. (Oh, and there's also the matter of Paris's sexploits hitting the newswires the same day that Fleshbot launched—five years ago today! So maybe we're a little sentimental? It happens.)

Bonus Scandal! Dita Von Teese: Lovely Dita didn't so much make a "sex tape" as star in some arty lesbian fetish porn—but hey, the video was hot enough (and the scandal hyped up enough), that we had to include it somewhere. It also wins points for generating one of the best headlines ever seen: "Dita Von Teese had sex with a shoe." She sure did.

I HAVE NOT EVER HAD PLASTIC SURGERY!!!

I am definitely not against it at all, but haven’t yet had it! Personally, lip injections are the thing I would never do—even if I didn’t have full lips.

I think lip injections look very fake and bad and I wouldn’t want to kiss anyone with stuff in their lips—so I wouldn’t do it to myself.

This is a picture of me when I was about 14 years old in a bikini. I hope after seeing this you guys will never ask me a plastic surgery question again! I have had a size C since I was 11 years old! So one day I will definitely get a lift, but I am waiting until after I have kids. Until then I rely on a great supportive bra! LOL!

Somehow, we doubt that Kardashian's scandalous teen picture will finally end the attention paid to her body, though it may arouse conflicted, brand-new scrutiny. Here's a tip, Kim: when that appreciative email comes from Andy Dick, don't answer it!

• I Never Had Plastic Surgery! [Kim Kardashian]

Part 1: How Pamela Anderson Ruined Sex
You may remember, especially you craven young men, that in 1998 Playboy posette and Baywatch star Pamela Anderson was filmed by her new husband, Mötley Crüe drummer Tommy Lee, while they did the nasty on some sort of houseboat. Her iconic status at the time, combined with the sheer amazement over Lee's substantial manhood, created what was really the first modern sex tape craze. Perpetuated by the newly discovered internet, the tape became an international phenomenon. It's not just that everyone heard of it, everyone saw it, too. Both Anderson and Lee still enjoy some strange mutation of fame, though they've long since separated and gotten back together and separated again and gotten back together again, etc. What this tape really did, aside from aid these two people, was ruin sex by finally and viscerally commodifying it. Sure there has always been pornography, but this was something different. Famous people who were not hardcore porn actors, but regular (albeit frequently nude on Pam's part) celebrities. Famous people, however (un)intentionally, caught while engaging in the most basic and carnal animal harmony. And now, without the nuisance of seeming like a hooker or a porn star who entered into the act with the intention of making money, one's lovemaking could at some point turn a profit. And the public was both more interested in and more perilously desensitized to the whole idea. Some fourth wall cracked and crumbled that day, opening a hole through which slithered a whole different dimension's worth neo-celebrities.

Part 2: How Paris Hilton Ruined Celebrity
Encouraged no doubt by the crazy zeitgest of the Anderson/Lee tape, budding socialite and headline-grabber Paris Hilton recorded her sex-making with famous dater-of-trashy-celebrities Rick Salomon. It was first leaked, in 2004, onto the internet by (public opinion seems to hold) Mr. Salomon and Hilton initially tried to block it from being released. But, you know, then she saw that it was popular and said 'fuck it' and agreed to its release and now makes money off of the tape, which was eventually titled One Night in Paris. And that, really, was that. Hilton was, yes, already sorta famous, but this sent her into an entirely new strata of celebrity. Suddenly she was the infamous darling of late night jokesters and burgeoning gossip bloggers. Her name was even co-opted by Mario Lavandeira, who assumed the identity Perez Hilton to start his odious gossip rag in 2005. And that's where the already-rickety wheels of the celebrity-industrial complex began to spin off and clatter down the mine shaft ahead of us. An entirely new set of rules about how famous people are made and what keeps people famous and Why We Care was beginning to form, all because Hilton seemed to be becoming one of the most famous people in America simply because she wore pink clothes and let some grody guy from Neptune, New Jersey fuck her with the nightvision on. She possessed no discernible talent other than the uncanny ability to make people, against their better judgment, pay attention. She rewrote the manual, and many other people would follow.

Part 3: How Kim Kardashian Ruined America
And then came Kim Kardashian, whose mother is married to athlete Bruce Jenner or something. She had a large butt and was dating Ray J, the little brother of former celebrity Brandy. She and Ray J boffed in like 2007, I think, and the tape was released. And oh my god. Kim was so freaking mad that she sued the company, Vivid Entertainment, that released the tape. Eventually she dropped the lawsuit and settled for a measly ol' five million dollars. And then. And then she became famous. She was on red carpets and people talked about her and she embarrassed herself on The View (just like a real celebrity!) and she got her own reality show and somehow helped make her even less interesting sisters sort-of-famous, too. Where Paris Hilton developed a coy relationship with magazine creations of this bleak new millennium like Us Weekly and InTouch, teasing things at them to keep everyone interested, Kardashian just barnstorms through things, ass-bellowing and demanding attention for the stupidest of events and occurrences, flaunting the fact that, to paraphrase Soup host and possible savior of pop culture Joel McHale, she is famous simply for having a big butt and a sex tape. So how does this large-caboosed blip on the radar get blamed for the ruination of these United States? Well, maybe she and her sex tape didn't necessarily ruin it themselves, but they do represent everything that is wrong and broken and bankrupt and ill of this "uh oh, everyone put your goggles on!" experiment. Kardashian's success proves that Hilton's new rules do, in fact, work in some inexplicable way. And, more importantly, the whole boondoggle suggests that many of us care (even if we're doing it ironically, we're still paying attention) as much, if not more, about the frivolous self-exploitation of a stranger's body as we do about fractious and dangerous political landscapes, about holes we've torn in the very fabric of the sky, about people dying from all imaginable kinds of neglect. Nah, we're too busy watching Access Hollywood scream at us that Kardashian cut her toe in a New York City hotel room (this was an actual top story) to pay attention to the fact that the rug, upon which they (and we) are fucking for the camera, is being pulled out from under our sweaty, writhing, desperate selves.

So let this Britney tape—the Holy of Holies, the culmination of all things—sing us sweet tidings of eternal rapture. Or damnation. Or whatever. I just can't watch any more promos for Dancing With the Sex Tape Stars.

Kardashian: "I find it very odd that a man involved in a car accident would write a blog right away, instead of focusing on what's going on with the accident."
Tipster: It's not like I was standing in the intersection banging away on my sidekick - OMG, KK in person!!! - xo xo, gossip girl. And I wasn't in the accident. I stuck around to help the bleeding dude get out of this car, then I directed traffic til help got there, gave my number to the cops if they needed to call me as a witness, then continued on my run. I got back home and was so pissed off that someone would act like that, that I bitched about it to my friends on the phone. Then I sat down and bitched to the virtual friends at defamer, who I figured would share my consternation.

Much more, after the jump:

"I was driving in Reggie's black Escalade..."
Just when I thought the whole sense of entitlement thing surrounding this incident couldn't get worse, I find out that she's in Reggie Bush's car - the same Reggie Bush who is under investigation by the NCAA for accepting gifts from an agent while he was an "amateur" athlete at SC.

"...down Beverly Blvd. A Dancing With The Stars production assistant was in the car in front of me and my dance partner Mark was in the car behind me. We all had a wardrobe fitting and were going into the CBS stage lot, where our fittings are. There was an accident and an ambulance in the only drive way for the lot..."
There was no ambulance already at the scene. The ambulance was behind the tow truck, both of which had their flashers on, which was behind your dumb-ass Escalade that had pulled into the emergency lane to snake around the cars that had jammed up due to the accident.

"...however just one lane of the driveway was blocked. There were two still open to drive right into the lot. My phone rang and the production assistant from DWTS was calling to say to follow him right into the lot. We just had to drive around the wreck—the other lanes into the lot were open."
She certainly was on the phone, so this makes sense that it was the show's producers. But the security guard wasn't letting anyone past the wreck cuz there was glass everywhere. There's only 1 lane total at this gate, so I don't know how there could be 2 lanes open in addition to the car that was wrecked in the middle.

"While I was driving slow and looking at the accident..."
You were snaking around parked traffic with your cell phone. We have established this.

"I rolled my window down to see what was going on..."
Your window was closed. I remember this, because when I banged on the side of the car, all I saw was some super-dark tinted side window.

"...and a man tapped my car twice with his hand saying don't slow down, it's just an accident."
What??!!!!??? This is the batshit insane part. I was the only "man" anywhere near this accident, as I was standing in the street. While sometimes if I've been drinking, I've been known to slur, when I'm dead sober, at an accident site, I'm pretty sure "don't slow down" sounds fairly different than "are you fucking kidding me? there's been a serious accident - GET OVER" Also, omitted is the entire exchange when she told me that she knew there was an accident but not to touch her car.

"Mark yelled from behind, in his car, that we are employees and going into the lot..."
The only two cars directy behind her were a tow truck and an ambulance.

"The man said 'ok,' and then said 'that was Kim Kardashian,' as I was driving off..."
Batshit insane part two. Ignoring the reasons WHY I would say it, who the fuck would I say "that was Kim Kardashian" to? I'm the only person standing in the road! Is this to insinuate that I was so star-struck by her that I would fudge all these other details, thereby wrongfully spinning her as different than the saint she so clearly is?

"So, how this story got twisted into me being a 'spoiled brat,' yelling 'don't touch my car,' or whatever was said, is just bizarre!"
That's right. Just bizarre. In fact, I'm a spy from one of your competitors on Dancing With the Stars (oops DWTS as you referred to it). My life's goal is to disparage your character so that America votes for Cloris Leachman instead. You got me.

"There were many cars in front and behind me going into the same parking lot. It's the main entrance into this CBS lot, so it's very busy in general. Why he would single me out, I'm not to sure."
"To sure" what?

"I did look at the accident and saw the paramedics talking to the passengers in the accident..."
You didn't look at shit. After you told me not to touch your car, you snaked in front of the line of cars and gunned it through the yellow light.

"...and know how scary accidents are."
Not as scary as spinning your narcissism into some bullshit tale of victimhood.

Sadly, for a celebrity whose every utterance and sexual encounter is usually preserved for posterity, there were apparently no cameras with Kardashian at that time, so we'll simply have to reconstitute the incident from the two perspectives provided. Whatever transpired, we hope that Kardashian has learned the lesson that when a bleeding accident victim desperately needs assistance, it's best to stop and help. Not only will the ambulances be able to maneuver around your Escalade more easily, but it could even lead to a positive, leering TMZ piece entitled, "Kim K Isn't The Only One Who Got Rear-Ended!"

[Photo Credit: AP]

This installment's sightings include Kim Kardashian, Kiefer Sutherland, Pierce Brosnan, Farrah Fawcett, Marilyn Manson, Ari Emanuel, Marcia Cross, Isla Fisher, Jon Hamm, Larry Flynt, Chris Robinson, Peter Graves, Shenae Grimes, Dustin Milligan, Lisa Rinna, Bill Walton, William Baldwin, Chynna Phillips, Linda Evans, Gunnar Nelson (!) and more.

THURSDAY, SEPT. 4

· Walking through the hallways of a building deep in the heart of Toluca Lake is FARRAH FAWCETT. Farrah raised her head to look me in the eye with a a look that said, "Yes I am Farrah Fawcett and don't talk to me." Farrah had heavy duty perfume situation going on that wafted in the hallway well after she left the building. Christie Brinkley is about the same age as her but Farrah looks like she has been through the ringer and had a rough, rough, hard-drinking, hard-partying, heavy-tanning life. Use sunscreen kids. Use sunscreen.

· Tuesday night's Bob Dylan concert at the Santa Monica Civic was ripe with celebrities, and I do mean ripe. NBA legend and Laker dad BILL WALTON couldn't get a reserved seat, he actually got tossed out of his first one that he just bogarted and was forced to stand against the wall, until someone recognized him and gave him a different reserved seat. Fellow Irishmen COLM MEANEY and PIERCE BROSNAN were spotted separately briefly. Anything but standing room only for TV's and former funnyman RICHARD LEWIS. And finally, one of the NELSON BROTHERS, most likely GUNNAR.

· I don't know if this counts, but I was having lunch at Porta Via and I spotted SWEET P (Project Runway, season 4) and a friend (boy? husband?). She walked by my table and was stunned when I called her name and that someone recognized her. She is sweet in person. I then had to explain Project Runway to my visiting co-worker from London. He remains confused.

SATURDAY, SEPT. 6

· Air Canada flight 744 from LAX to Toronto ... A very laid back and un-made-up MARILYN MANSON (or "Mr. Warner" to the attendants) and Endeavor's ARI EMANUEL (in gym shorts and crocs) in business class, film festival-bound.

SUNDAY, SEPT. 7

· Sunday afternoon, Silverlake - walked straight past KIEFER SUTHERLAND and a blonde woman in the Vons supermarket parking lot on Sunset / Hollywood / Virgil / Hillhurst / Sunset Drive. He was carrying the shopping bags (like a gentleman), no doubt stocking up on Haagen-Dazs to watch Britney's big comeback at the VMAs that night. More importantly, what is up with that K-hole of a junction?

· ISLA FISHER and baby OLIVE were at the Grove on Sunday between 3:30 and 4:30. Isla was wearing an orange, off the shoulder, embroidered hippie-ish cotton dress (the type popular at Anthropology last year), and little Olive was wearing a mini version of the same thing in white. Her hair was in a loose braid. I saw her first walking through Anthropology (she was disappointed her hippie dresses went out of style) and then later walking into Nordstrom. I was not stalking her; she was stalking me. I am worried Isla does not has any friends in LA— what celebrity goes shopping by herself (babies don't count), at The Grove, on a Sunday? Don't judge me for being at the Grove; sometimes you just wind up there. I'm hopeful she'll have a new posse following her around after her new movie comes out. Either way, she has Sacha Baron Cohen.

MONDAY, SEPT. 8

· I was walking my dog when I noticed Topanga from Boy Meets World (DANIELLE FISHEL) at Callender's Grill on Wilshire. She was sitting outside on the patio and in deep discussion with an older woman I didn't recognize. She had on really heavy eyeliner!

TUESDAY, SEPT. 9

· Oh poor LARRY FLYNT the Porn King. Saw him at the Four Seasons in Beverly Hills. Sweaty, quite icky looking and dazed. That's all I've got to say about that.

· St. Louis to LAX Tuesday morning, JON HAMM was in first class. We talked to him at baggage claim, and he was ridiculously nice. The man is also really ridiculously good looking. I can't believe Sterling Cooper allows its employees to fly the friendly skies with American Airlines.

WEDNESDAY, SEPT. 10

· Montecito, the lush, obscenely wealthly Santa Barbara enclave is a great little getaway, especially if you go off season as to avoid the onslaught of Hollywood- from Oprah to Cameron Diaz. (I just shuddered.) Ordering a late breakfast at Xanadu when I saw that 2 feet away, WILLIAM BALDWIN and wife CHYNNA PHILLIPS are at a table waiting for their grub. Did not even recognize her. She looked beat- a skeletor-long raggedy hair, in a floor length white totally weird Hare Krishna getup.

Not until Billy opened his sexy mouth to call her back inside to eat did I inwardly sigh upon hearing that famous Baldwin voice. Oh that dulcet, mellifluous voice! He looks good. My husband said "Has he done anything since Backdraft? ... Chynna was screeching into her cell; so obnoxious, looking for attention of which she got none, and finally for those of us eating outside, she succumbed to that Baldwin Brother siren-call and went back to her table. Yes sir, that is one good looking guy with a voice that makes my knees buckle. Yum Yum Yummy. Not the omelet, the Baldwin.

THURSDAY, SEPT. 11

· One for the ages, PETER GRAVES, looking great for 82, in business class on my flight today from JFK to LAX. Like a dork, I smiled and said “Hi” as I trudged back to coach with the masses. I saw him doing a morning show yesterday (they all blend), some sort of “reunion” with Robert Hayes et. al, and there he was, on my airplane, on September 11th, making me feel better about flying.

· MARCIA CROSS, one of TV's Desperate Housewives is sitting with me in AA ECONOMY from STL to LAX right now! How continental.

SUNDAY, SEPT. 14

· Saw that guy who plays Ethan (DUSTIN MILLIGAN) and that girl who plays Silver (JESSICA STROUP) on the new version of 90210 having lunch together at Mani's on Fairfax. In this case, lunch meaning that he was eating while she watched.

· The place: The Rose Bowl Flea Market. I'd always heard that lots of celebs frequented this, but in almost two years of faithful attendance, I'd never actually seen one. ... But today, I saw CHRIS ROBINSON of the Black Crowes (and ex-Kate Hudson husband), who appeared to be accompanied by a very comely lass. And that's the difference between a rock star and me (an accountant): Chris Robinson gets willowy, hot chicks, and i get girls who look like Chris Robinson. Conclusion: I have taken a severely wrong career path and am in the wrong profession. That is all.

MONDAY, SEPT. 15

· Saw the new Brenda (SHENAE GRIMES) and Naomi (ANNALYNNE MCCORD, who incidentally makes me ache for Tori's acting chops) last night at the Belmont. New Brenda is as shockingly adorable in person as on TV but was completely sans trademark smile and actually appeared pouty and pissed at times. She and the even-less-beautiful-in-person Naomi (the new Emily Valentine?), who has overgelled 90's hair and is clearly skinnier than her own body type would prefer, were feverishly chain smoking. They were also HARDcore flirting with their waiter, the only guy there more interested in them than the cowboys and eagles. Between packs of cigarettes the girls were, yep, drinking. I'll save you the trouble of looking it up: New Brenda's only 18. Oooooo! I hope new Jim and Aunt Becky don't find out, new 90210 is boring enough without old 90210's lesson-learned moralizing.

TUESDAY, SEPT. 16

· So about an hour ago, 3:15 or so Wednesday afternoon, I'm going for a run along Beverly Blvd. I'm just E of Fairfax on the S side of the street when there's a pretty bad car wreck right in front of me. A westbound car turned left into the CBS gate, and a small car was gunning it eastbound in the lane closest to the sidewalk and didn't see them.

So the security guard goes to one car, I tell another car to call 911. No one is critically hurt, but we help the guy who's bleeding pretty bad onto the sidewalk. I go out into the street to stand there and let people know they have to get over cuz one of the mangled cars is sitting in the middle of the intersection.

After 5-10 minutes, I see a tow truck and a fire truck coming our way from around Fairfax, but traffic is now pretty jacked so it's slow. The tow truck is all set to come down the emergency lane when this giant black tinted Escalade looking thing cuts in front of it to pass the stalled traffic. Keep in mind the tow truck has flashers on. As the Escalade gets closer, I'm waving my hands to tell it to get over, but it won't. Then I notice the chick driving is on her cell, holding it up to her ear. I walk up to her car now, hit the passenger side door and say "get over - there's a tow truck and a fire truck behind you - there's been a bad accident."

At this point, she rolls down the window to reveal her KIM KARDASHIAN self [...] who tells me "Don't you touch my car." I thought, "Are you fucking kidding me?! there's a guy on the sidewalk with his head bleeding." I then screamed at her "Are you fucking kidding me?! There's a guy on the sidewalk with his head bleeding!!" to which she responds "I know, but don't touch my car." She finally merges into the other lane and jams it through the yellow light to make the intersection.

She said "I know?" I KNOW that I'm holding up rescue in my tinted-ass Escalade looking thing and on my cell, but the only thing I care about is not to hit my car.

I hate humanity.

WEDNESDAY, SEPT. 17

· Saw LINDA EVANS at the Intercontinental bar last night. Fortunately she left before I had my third martini — otherwise I would've hummed the Dynasty theme to her.

TODAY

· LISA RINNA working out at Fitness Factory with her trainer. Her face looked like the clay pot in the movie Ghost after Patrick Swayze fucked it up.

Boomp3.com

Even though the economy is in shambles and Texans are just starting to recover from the devastating effects of Hurricane Ike over the weekend, there is no force of nature that will keep Kim Kardashian and her family from getting out the word about her upcoming run on Dancing With The Stars. Kris Kardashian-Jenner, the selfless head of the Kardashian-Jenner clan, felt it was very important for her family to get out the message about voting. Mrs. Kardashian-Jenner said, “This is the single most important decision facing the American people right now. We have to keep my darling Kimmy on that show for the next three months. I mean, everybody loves Kim. So, it shouldn’t be a problem, but everybody needs to get out there and vote!”

[Photo Credit: Flynet]

*A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

NBC is staying mum about the new season of 'The Apprentice,' but Hollyscoop.com has learned exclusively that 'Girls Gone Wild' creator Joe Francis has been added to the lineup.

"I’m doing celebrity apprentice," Francis told Hollyscoop backstage at the Randy Jackson Presents: America's Best Dance Crew.

Earlier this week Donald Trump told Ryan Seacrest that he's been getting calls from stars that want to revive their career. So far it's rumored that Khloe Kardashian, Joan and Melissa Rivers, and Dennis Rodman are going to join Donald's hit show.

Can Francis hope to out-lech last season's contestant Gene Simmons, or will a jailhouse conversion have made him the next Stephen Baldwin? One thing's for sure: we can't wait to see Francis flash those baby teeth at Joan Rivers and Kim Kardashian, convincing them to romp together on a leather couch in a sapphic matchup that's most assuredly of legal age.

• Joe Francis To Join Celebrity Apprentice [Hollyscoop]

An honest mistake or a publicity grab? We'd like to believe it's the former, though you would think shooting the film in Louisiana might have opened the filmmakers' eyes a bit. At the very least, this should be a fun one for New Orleans Saint Reggie Bush (the boyfriend of Disaster star Kim Kardashian) to wriggle out of. As our tipster wondered: "Would they have premiered Terrorist Movie, a spoof of the Die Hard genre, on September 11th?" Shortly after this brainstorm, Paramount called to offer the tipster marketing duties for Cloverfield 2.

• DISASTERMOVIE.NET

• Screams and Smiles at Magic Mountain [kimkardashian.com]

boomp3.com



A Monte Carlo bellman was slightly disappointed after finally seeing reality TV star Kim Kardashian in person. The bellman had said that many of his fellow employees had been raving about their hotel's latest celebrity guest and his online research got him fairly excited. Yet upon finally seeing Kardashian in person, the bellmen thought that her infamous backside wasn't that big. The bellman said, "Jean Paul told me that you could put a glass of wine on it and it wouldn't fall, but I think Jean Paul needs to get his yeux checked."

[Photo Credit: INF Daily]

”Joel Madden spent a boozy night partying with Lindsay...Their heads were practically touching, and he had his leg over hers.”

As delighted as we are that recent gossip about Lohan has involved nudity and boys rather than drugs and DUIs, her fetish for robbing frenemies of their boyfriends is a long-standing Lohanism. We look back at some of her most classic crimes of passion after the jump.

We tend to think Lohan's habit of man-theft all started with that infamous catfight she had with Hilary Duff over Aaron Carter (yes, really, there was a time when he was the cat's pajamas) , who supposedly cheated on Lohan with the blonde teenybopper. But that one incident hardly justifies Lindsay's rap sheet since then:

May 2006: It's hard to feel bad for fellow seductress Paris Hilton, but her lovey dovey relationship with Stavros Niarchos (what ever happened to that guy by the way?) came to an abrupt end after Lohan was spotted "dirty dancing" with him at a club.
October 2007: After pissing off Paris, Lindsay took her fetish up a notch while in rehab, where she met and began dating snowboarder Riley Giles. The only problem? He was engaged to some poor girl in Utah at the time.
January 2008: And as recently as January, Lohan was linked to Adrian Grenier while big-bottomed girl Kim Kardashian was allegedly dating the Entourage star.

February 2008: Just one month later, Lindsay brought out her Paris-hating claws once again, managing to win the fight over girly song-singer James Blunt.

• NICOLE RICHIE CRUSHED AFTER CATCHING JOEL MADDEN WITH LINDSAY LOHAN [Star]

The Accused: TMZ
The Crime: Mocking pregnant women for their changing bodies.
The Evidence: "The newest accessory in Hollywood is a baby bump. Let's just hope these don't come with stretch marks. It's all about the cocoa butter ladies!" Because when a woman brings a new life into the world, the first thing on her mind should be taking care of those unseemly stretch marks!
The Sentence: three months of Harlow Richie-Madden diaper duty and a kick in the nuts from mum-to-be Nicole Kidman.

The Accused: Drunken Stepfather
The Crime: Ageism; heightism; general assholery.
The Evidence: "If I was on the beach, which I am not and haven't been on in years because I don't live the celebrity life of luxury, I wouldn't mind lookin' at [Denise Richards] in hopes of a vagina lip hangin' out but the second a younger, tighter body walks by this hag, I'll be getting my creep on elsewhere. It's one of those better than nothing situations like the time you jerked off to your sister on a family camping trip because it was between her and your mom and jerking off to your mom just felt too wrong..." Wow, there is just so much wrong here. In Drunken Stepfather's world apparently a "tighter body" means a "better person" and it's cool to jerk off to your female family members, because all women — even the ones who are related to you — are only useful as sexual fantasies.
Additional Evidence : "Here are some pictures of Brooke Shields Leaving the hospital on crutches, I guess her legs finally gave-out from the weight of her testicles." Uh, why is Brooke Shields a man? Because she's tall? I don't even understand this one.
The Sentence: Dysentery. Drunken Stepfather can spend all that time on the toilet thinking about what he's done.

The Accused: Egotastic
The Crime: Critiquing a woman's weight; kicking someone when they're down
The Evidence:"Star Magazine is going all crazy over these Britney Spears bikini pictures, claiming she looks great after losing 20 pounds, and she's still losing more. But if you ask me, Britney Spears losing 20 pounds is like Rosie O'Donnell dropping 200: You just wouldn't notice. Regardless, no matter what Britney does, she'll never be attractive again, so I say she should just keep on stuffing her face with Cheetos. At least that way you'll be able to smell the cheesey flavour coming before she crashes her car into your ass." You know, Britney's "attractiveness" to idiots like you is sort of the least of her problems right now. Also, you're a dick.
The Sentence: A lifetime of indentured servitude at the Cheeto factory.

The Accused: The Superficial
The Crime: Implying women are men because they are not waifs.
The Evidence: "So, when I say these two rumbled, I mean, literally, the ground shook. Khloe is one solid woman. She could probably give Brooke Hogan a run for her money. Then afterwards they'd swap tips on shaving their testicles. BFFs with balls 4 life!" Jesus — just because a woman has muscles, does not mean she's a man.
The Sentence: A large dose of Nair straight to the ball sack, natch.