The scene in question provides hints at two "big" twists awaiting Samantha. The first: she calls Smith Jerrod, who she, duh!, broke up with the last one. This shouldn't come as a surprise: it would be damn foolish for writers not to include Smith, for the lady fans — and the boys, too — just love the actor who plays him, Jason Lewis. If there's one thing almost as important as Sex's fashion, it's the men, and the writers know viewers want to see plenty of them.

The second plot point? Samantha, who's fifty, tells her assistant to pick up hormones. Like, OMG! This 50-year old's going through "the change," something that she, Carrie and the other girls will no doubt discuss in gory detail. Please, god, let them not discuss how to handle the inevitable dryness "down there" and how to prepare for post-menopausal entry.

Star
Jamie Lynn's "baby joy turns to tears…" because her shotgun wedding to Casey Aldridge is allegedly off! Despite frequent, happy looking trips to Wal-Mart, the two teens fight all the time. Even worse, Casey is reportedly two-timing Jamie Lynn! "Casey is acting like a dog," a local yokel notes. And Casey's not the only "celebrity" behaving badly. The Hills Whitney Port is acting like a diva, showing up late to appearances and demanding trips to 7-Eleven. Even more shocking: a Whitney Port personal appearance commands $14,000. New moms Melissa Joan Hart and Jaime Pressly are gabbing about their new baby boys. Jaime ate cabbage soup six days a week and worked out two hours a day to lose her baby weight. Sounds…farty and ill-advised. Lilo hates Mary-Kate Olsen because of her friendship with Samantha Ronson, although MK is really scared of people thinking she's a lezebel. John Mayer has a touch of the OCD: since moving in with Jennifer Aniston at her hotel in Florida while she shoots Marley and Me, he has been cleaning up after her cleaning lady. Jen, who is 9 years older than John, is also featured in a spread called "Cougar Season" alongside Mariah, Ellen DeGeneres, and ur-Cougar Demi Moore. Ladies sometimes date younger men: this is not news. We are officially over the term "cougar."
Grade: D (falling asleep outside and having someone write "Dick" on your stomach in sunblock)
Us
Former jilted Bachelor star Andrew Firestone has a "Second Chance At Love," the Us cover blares. Even though ex-fiancée Jen Schefft dumped him on his keister after the show aired, Firestone has found love with a leggy blonde Serbian model named Ivana Bozilovic. You guys, it's so hard to rebound from a break-up when you're a ridiculously good-looking heir to a tire fortune. Firestone has been through so much! Not as much as breakup postergirl Jennifer Aniston. But things seem to be looking up for our formerly depressed diva! Her friends all love new boyfriend John Mayer, even notoriously tough Courteney Cox. Several preggers stars are just about ready to "pop": Gwen Stefani, Nicole Kidman, Jamie Lynn Spears, Luciana Damon (Matt's wife) and Ryan Shawhughes (Ethan Hawke's gf) are among the super pregs. Patrick Swayze has gone back to work on the forthcoming A&E series The Beast even though he was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. No cancer puts Patrick in a corner! Kim Cattrall signed on to executive produce and star in a new HBO comedy, Sensitive Skin, which is about a woman rediscovering her sexuality. "Even though it's my name, and the word skin is there, it's a very subtle show," she assures Us. Mmmkay.
Grade: D- (subway smells on a 99 degree day)
In Touch
Angelina is "Pushing Brad Away!" Nooooes! Apparently Ange has violent mood swings because of all the pregnancy hormones and Brad can't deal with it. He took Maddox to the MotoGP motorcycling championship just to get the eff away from Angie. At least she's not back to her Billy Bob humping days, but allegedly Nicole Richie is back to her old bad habits, namely not eating. She's down to 95 pounds, only ten pounds heavier than her scary looking lowest point. Also back to bad habits: Brit Brit. She's back on the sauce, but still not doing drugs, though some fear that Britney's cocktail swilling might lead back down the road to cocaine corner. Also: there's some sidebar saying that Britney's boozing is causing her to have acne. WTF? Did a boob job come between George Clooney and Sarah Larson? Apparently Larson got her tatas done in May, and George wasn't happy about it. Sarah, however, is so thrilled with her new bod that she is considering posing for Playboy. Sigh.
Grade: F+ (second degree sunburn)
OK!
Aw, Shiloh is excited about Angelina's new babies! Apparently SO excited that OK! felt the need to devote four pages to the minutia of Shiloh's very existence. She has "pull-up diapers and tells Mom and Dad when she has to go to the bathroom"! She is learning to sleep alone! She puts her hands on Angie's stomach to feel the twins kick! Um, just like ANY OTHER TWO-YEAR-OLD EVER IN THE HISTORY OF LIFE. Brad Pitt might be making babies these days, but according to a "friend" of John Mayer's, Brad doesn't stack up to John in the sack. John is "Not just good, but sensational" at the sex." Jen is so appreciative that she's started glowing and wearing dresses. Or something like that. Mutiny in The Hills! Lauren Conrad and Audrina Patridge are brawling. There's a photo shoot with Audrina at her pool house, behind the main house where Lauren and Lo live, and apparently L.C. was pissed about it. "She was very, very mad." Audrina says. "She said it's her house. But this is my room…No she thinks I'm sneaky and shady for doing this photo shoot, yet she and her team knew about it." Dramz!
Grade: F (boob sweat on a date)
Life & Style
Katie is Tom's Prisoner. Again. Katie went to New York for four days to rehearse for her new play, All My Sons, and she never went anywhere but the hotel and the theater. She looked annoyed at a party, according to an "insider" and it's because she feels suffocated. Is John Mayer ready to be a dad? Life & Style ponders. Jen started talking about a friend's fertility treatment over dinner and John "swiftly" changed the subject. "This spinach is awesome…It's very garlicky," Mayer reportedly said. Heh. Maybe that's why Jennifer Aniston has been feuding with He's Just Not That Into You co-star, Jennifer Connelly. The cast of the film, which includes Drew Barrymore and Ginnifer Goodwin, got together for a Marie Claire photoshoot, and Aniston threatened to pull out if Connelly was included. Janet Jackson looks to be "up 20 pounds" since October, and she needs to lose weight before her Rock Wichu tour in September. She plans to eat healthier and exercise more and blah blah blah.

Grade: F- (heatstroke)

Here's Lane on Kim Cattrall:

Samantha’s efforts to signal her appeal, which might have seemed languorous on the small screen, are blown up here into an embarrassing semaphore: thudding closeups of her slurping through a cocktail straw or swallowing a mouthful of guacamole. No self-respecting maker of soft erotica would countenance such shots, and, as for the matching dialogue (“Something just came up,” Samantha murmurs over the phone, as her boyfriend stands beside her in bulging briefs), it’s a straight lift from flaccid, mid-period James Bond.

And here's his take on Tina Fey in Baby Mama:

[Fey's character] Kate stalks around bare-legged in skirts that lurch to a halt two inches above the knee, which is a length that Christy Turlington would struggle to carry off. It’s possible that Fey, like other television stars, is unused to being framed in full length, and, though in complete command of her delivery—dry, spiky, but unthreatening—she hasn’t yet made up her mind how funny her body is meant to be. She isn’t big enough to make a joke of her ripeness, like Bette Midler, but she’s no Lily Tomlin, either. She could do worse than steal a trick from Lucille Ball—a lovely, elegant figure who taught herself to be graceless.

It seems that Lane has a problem with women of a certain age being sexual on the big screen; he can take mature sexuality in the bowdlerized form he sees on television, but once those over-30 legs are stalking around, larger than life on celluloid, he must object.

But Lane's female problem is nothing when you read Timothy Noah's comparison of Carrie Bradshaw and Hillary Clinton in Slate. Basically, Noah posits that the older white women who watched the SatC movie are the same ones who voted for Hillary, and went to see the movie because they were bummed about Hillary's primary loss. "By this past weekend, however, it was becoming clear to all but the most delusional Hillary supporters that the game was up. Sisterhood was powerful, but in this case it wouldn't prevail. That realization left a lot of white women all dolled up with nowhere to go. And so … they went to the movies," Noah writes. "The connection, I'll grant you, is somewhat glib," he adds…glibly. So glib, in fact, that it makes no sense whatsoever.

Even with all the punditry, the Sex and the City movie's popularity at this point, is similar to the appeal of the much-loved SatC-approved Magnolia Bakery cupcake. You have to wait on long lines to consume it; it is full of saccharine and empty calories; you might feel a little sick to your stomach when it's over, but you were happy to let yourself indulge, just for a little while, in a buttercream fantasy. And once it's out of your small intestine, you forgot it ever existed.

Sexism And The City [Newsweek]
The New Yorker Turns “Sex And The City” Gals Into Monsters, All Of Them [Best Week Ever]
Carrie [New Yorker]
Switching Places [New Yorker]
Hillary And The City [Slate]

Earlier: Sarah Jessica Parker Squeals In Dismay Over Time Out New York Cover

As the Daily Mail reports, Cattrall's metallic dress started bunching up 'round her rear end, forcing Kim to cheekily dig out the material from in between her very toned ass, all the while winking. But Kim didn't stop surprising the crowd by allegedly telling reporters at a previous premiere that she "hopes we get to come back and make another." Which is very sweet, but judging from the NY Daily News' report from the scene, a repeat performance of the mob scene isn't something we'd like to see anytime soon:

"Organizers of the celeb-studded event overbooked the 6,000-seat theater, leaving bounced fans fuming. The angry crowd surged against police barricades, cursing and stomping their Manolo Blahniks."

Even Chris Noth, who's still clinging to that charming rep like a security blanket, blowing kisses to the furious crowd did little to numb the pain. As one fan said, "We waited in line 21/2 hours. I guess we'll go drink a Cosmo or five now." Which is quite possibly the saddest comment made by a woman we've ever heard.

And of course, there were the requisite horrendous fashion choices, notably made by Ashley Olsen in pants so oversized she could have comfortably fit both herself and MK inside, plus Jennifer Hudson's decision to shove approximately 95% of her breasts in photographers' faces and, unsurprisingly, legendary SATC wardrobe wench Pat Fields sporting what may be the most cringeworthy combination of purple and red hair dye we've seen to date. To be fair, dressing horribly is sort of her "thing," so we'll go ahead and forgive the kookiest of all kooky stylists.

[Photo credits: Wireimage, Getty, Splash]

• KIM CATTRALL ON THE 'SEX AND THE CITY' MOVIE: 'I HOPE WE GET TO MAKE ANOTHER' [Us]
• 'SEX AND THE CITY' PREMIERE TURNS UGLY [NYDN]

As we learned last week, Carrie makes her Big Wedding announcement all shyly to her harem over fancy brunch, and now we learn that Big not only agrees to marry her, he will also buy her a Manhattan castle in the sky. What she'll do there all day, and why she would possibly require the aid of an assistant, still isn't clear. Though we suspect it will involve a whole lot of self-conscious, self-referential, self-revelatory self-obsession. Of note: Kim Cattrall is suspiciously absent from all three leaked clips thus far. Is this yet another of Sarah Jessica Parker's passive aggressive attacks on her allegedly troublesome co-star? Or does she die a very Scream-like death in the first few minutes? We can only hope.

• 'SEX AND THE CITY' MOVIE CLIPS HIT THE WEB [Us]

What is it about London that makes otherwise prim actresses turn into girls gone wild? At last night’s premiere of SATC: The Movie across the pond, sex book author and Police Academy alum Kim Cattrall decided to do away with those pesky accessories we’re all (aside from Britney) forced to wear in public: her shoes. The good news? As Cameron Diaz proved at the premiere of Charlie’s Angels, walking the red carpet barefoot attracts some great press. The bad? Cattrall’s shoe-less night on the town revealed the most frightening pair of tootsies we’ve seen in recent memory, and Kim’s reported late-night behavior was eerily reminiscent of the night Renee Zellweger painted London red last month.

After prancing properly down the red carpet in a pair of sky-high Gucci heels, Kim initially headed to the premiere's after-party in a less painful pair of gold sandals. But after reportedly staying at the fête longer than any of her co-stars, she exited Renee-style sans any shoes at all. And despite a remarkably flawless pedicure, this close-up reveals some severe skeletons in her closet: a case of zombie feet that remind us of Paris Hilton's infamous "sinewy" size 11s. Enterprising young plastic surgeons take note: while freaky feet can strike at any age, there isn't any medical technology available today that can cure this problem. Do something about it and you just might turn out to be a rich, rich person. We can think of at least two clients who'll be pounding down your door.

[Photo credits: Getty, FilmMagic]

• FIFTYSOMETHING SEX AND THE CITY STAR KIM CATTRALL KICKS OFF HER DESIGNER SHOES...AND GOES BAREFOOT IN THE CITY [Daily Mail]

"I did want an emotional roller-coaster but...Kill Mr. Big? I would have been chased around the planet by women with torches. It's a summer movie. Why would I want to kill anyone?"

Sarah Jessica Parker/Carrie Bradshaw: Not a chance. King claims women would chase him down with torches if Big bit it, but should the show's narrator and guiding light pass on after taking a cab that oh-so-glamorously crashes into Barneys or falls victim to a cocktail poisoned by some envious Vogue staffer, enraged SATC fans would hunt down King not with torches, but things like guns and machetes.

Cynthia Nixon/Miranda Hobbes: Nah. For one thing, Nixon recently revealed the fact that she went through a cancer scare back in 2004, so killing off Nixon's most famous role to date would just be plain cruel.

Kristin Davis/Charlotte York Goldenblatt: We've already heard she magically gets pregnant against all odds, and dying after giving birth could be seen as some kind of tragic but ironic plot twist. Fans have suffered through season after season hearing about Charlotte's baby-making anxiety, so the joy they'd feel knowing Char finally reached her stereotypically feminine life goal might nullify the sadness felt should she not pull through.

Kim Cattrall/Samantha Jones: If one of the four girls is really the killed-off character in question, we'd safely place our bets on Sam for two reasons: her character was diagnosed with cancer during the last season and though we were assured she eventually beat it, that's one disease with a temper, sadly capable of returning. Secondly, Samantha is the most controversial of the four; some fans love her for behaving like a man in a woman's body and boldly suggesting sleeping with every man in Manhattan is an example of feminists' success. But others just think she's a slutty bitch.

What we really think? It's Steve's mom. She's old, demented, eats garbage and despite being played by the worshipped and adored Anne Meara, it's just her character's time. Plus, Meara's take on the role is delightfully hateful: a beer-swilling, old-fashioned crazy kook whose voice makes us cringe.

• 'SEX AND THE CITY' DIRECTOR ADDRESSES DEATH RUMOR [CNN]

There were a lot of nauseating elements of this show, what with all the shoe analogies and shit, which is perhaps why they made everything so pink, so as to simulate a giant spoonful of Pepto Bismol.

And speaking of pink:

Dude has on a pink shirt with floral cuffs, and he's FREAKING out about SJP. I think it's safe to say that this is the gayest this guy has acted since he started having anal sex with other men.

They actually made it a point to acknowledge the other gay men in the audience as well.

None of them are nearly as fun as Pinky though.

Earlier: Oprah's Favorite Things 2007: The Audience Freaks Out!

As SJP remarked today, and has alluded to more times than we care to remember, her marriage to awkward sex scene partner Matthew Broderick isn't all that peachy keen: "I'm sure there are many times he wishes he wasn't with me...Sometimes I'm better at it, sometimes I'm really bad at it. There are things about it I like and I want it to work." Well! There are things she likes about it, which is just great. Maybe once in a while he gives in and succumbs to her repeated requests to revisit their shared Broadway past and participate in an off-tune duet from her breakout role in Annie or something? Hey, it's something.

As for Kim, well, she's really scraping the barrel by piping in with yet another quote or two regarding those age-old tales suggesting she was stalling the movie's production and being an all-around diva: "If you're spending 18 hours a day at work, the last thing you want to do is go and have a drink with the people who you just [spent the day with]. You just need to get away." Which, ironically, is how we're starting to feel about the upcoming flick. Having spent month after month hearing all this bitching and moaning from all four stars, do we really want to go and spend money to spend two hours straight with them? We might just need to get away, too.

• SARAH JESSICA PARKER TALKS ABOUT MARITAL ISSUES [Dotspotter]
• KIM CATTRALL SPEAKS OUT ABOUT 'SEX & THE CITY' HULLABALOO [Starpulse]

1) Where's The Classic Foursome Shot?: Yes, SJP is the star (and one of the EPs) of the series. But to feature only her on the poster is not only a slap in the face to her co-stars, each of whom are reduced to credits only, but confirms those rumors that SJP "demanded" that only she be the face of the poster. So congrats, Sarah Jessica. We get it. Kudos. You just didn't have to (literally) shove that fact in our face, k?

2) The Font's Angle Wouldn't Give Us A Headache...If We Were Stoned: How edgy! The credits, the title, and even SJP's stance is all wonkily crooked to the point where any effort we might have taken to read the small script would require tilting our heads to the side and squinting. Which really isn't fun at all. What's the point? New York is like, wild? Something more profound, like the girls are teetering on the edge of adulthood (a stage we're pretty sure we reached by Season Two)?

3) Pat Fields Has Officially Reached The Height Of Tackiness: From time to time, SATC costume designer and notoriously eccentric stylist Pat Fields has come through with a killer ensemble for the leading ladies. Sure, no "normal" girl could pull them off, but cinematically, they worked. And yet. We don't care if that blue smock is made of the purest crushed blue sapphires sourced straight from Burma; all we see is a shaggy shapeless rug. And don't get us started on the black fishnets. Really? No, really?

[Photo credit: WB/New Line via Firstshowing.net]

• EXCLUSIVE: FINAL 'SEX AND THE CITY: THE MOVIE' POSTER [FinalShowing.net]

1) The Big/Carrie Engagement and Charlotte Pregnancy Rumors Are True: Whether or not the wedding scene featuring a psychotic peacock hair piece and Bride of Frankenstein dress is only part of a dream sequence, sources tell the Post that Carrie does in fact get engaged to Big. And despite adopting a trendy Asian baby, Charlotte does manage to get knocked up once and for all. Even more interesting in the realm of plotlines, Miranda and Steve's blissful Brooklyn marriage hits the skids over claims of infidelity. Which makes sense in a My Wife Likes Girls kind of way, we hope.

2) There Will Be Stunt Cameos Galore: New York Mayor Mike Bloomberg may have given up on that whole Presidency thing, but he hasn't thrown in the acting towel. The billionaire mayor is only one of several New York-y cameos, including some by co-star Jennifer Hudson's Oscar night ruiner Andre Leon Talley of Vogue, and the indecipherable fashion world darling, photographer Patrick Demarchelier. And though we're sure their on-screen presence is big and beautiful, we find it hard to believe that stiletto-wearing fans in the Bible Belt will know who the hell they are.

3) You Will Not Be Able To Afford A Single Thing You See: Longtime followers of the girls' diamond-decorated lives have always been frustrated by Carrie's ability to don designer gowns and afford spacious apartments on the Upper East Side on a freelance writer's salary, and the girls' lifestyles are even more mythical in the movie. We're talking YSL gowns, beach houses in LA, and the fact that "every day the girls wore real jewels estimated at $2.5 million." Who knew putting out a book of old newspaper columns could rack in the dough? Think we could finally buy up Barney's by scraping together a few blog posts on Scientology and bikini pictures? We're looking into it.

[Photo credit: Wireimage]

• IT'S BIG [NY Post]

Not everything is sexy in the city. Sources tell Star that Kim Cattrall was such a diva to work with on the Sex and the City movie that her costars are getting a secret bonus for dealing with Kim's prima donna behavior.

An insider tells Star, "Kristin Davis and Cynthia Nixon are getting a 'hush-hush' bonus for not being divas during filming and as a thank-you for putting up with Kim."

While it may seem overgenerous to offer your stars a cash gift over and above a sizable salary merely for dealing with something as Hollywood-commonplace as a difficult castmate, sometimes an appreciative gift accompanied with a thoughtful note along the lines of, "This is for you to buy something nice and hopefully forget about that miserable bitch. Love, Your friends at SatC:tM!" is just the right grace note to secure their return should the movie warrant a sequel.

• Bonuses For SATC's Kristin And Cynthia [Star]

The pic got close to happening about two years ago, but progress halted when Cattrall backed away.

She wanted script control and a salary close to that of Parker, who was more highly paid than the others because she was co-executive producer of the series. Whatever tensions existed are gone now, sources said. Cattrall has a deal she's happy with, one the sources said gives her input on her scenes, a fat salary and a future series deal with HBO.

How exactly director/writer/series EP Michael Patrick King will tackle the challenge of adapting the foursome's fabulous adventures into a feature-length treatment remains to be seen, but if the project's working title is to be trusted, Sex and the City: Expensive Shoes and Horny, Aging Ladies will deliver all the Choo-porn and hotflash-fueled fucking fans of the show can handle.

• 'Sex and the City' heads to theaters [Variety]