· The premiere of Survivor: Inland Empire posted strong numbers—13.8 million viewers, easily winning the 8 p.m. hour for CBS. [THR]
· Universal is negotiating for screen rights to Robert Ludlum's The Parsifal Mosaic (not to be confused with MGM's Cruise/Washington/Cronenberg Ludlum project The Matarese Circle). "The Parcifal Mosaic?" That makes Quantum of Solace sound as catchy as He's Just Not That Into You. [Variety]
· CBS greenlights comedy pilot Good Girls, which will hopefully be as good as Worst Week was the worst. It's about "two childhood friends who try to reinvent themselves after making some youthful mistakes." And Ashton Kutcher is a producer, so prepare for ascots-a-plenty. [Variety]
· E! has ordered a reality show called Hot Girls in Scary Places. The premise is said to be "very high-concept" and under extremely tight wraps. It's killing us! What is this show about? [THR]

This will be the first time the former SNL co-stars and new recruit James appear together in one movie, offering the public a safe and convenient cineplex quarantining program. [Variety]
· Anthony Hopkins and Josh Brolin are the first to be cast in Woody Allen's next ensemble film, set to shoot in London this summer. We hope Josh plays Woody's nebbish alter ego. [Variety]
· An "abysmal third quarter" sent Lionsgate's stock tumbling to a six-year low. "The primary contributor to this quarter's loss, as well as the shortfall for the year, is the significant underperformance of our feature film business," said Jon Feltheimer during a conference call with analysts. Asked by one analyst what might be the fiscal outcome of producing better movies, Feltheimer paused for a long moment, then told him he'd get back to him. [Variety]
· Wilmer Valderrama is developing a comedy for Nickelodeon called Earth to Pablo, a sort of Latin-American ALF about "a normal family that ends up with a teenage space alien instead of the South American exchange student they had expected." [THR]
· More HBO pilot castings: Aleksa Palladino, Paul Sparks, Shea Whigham and Anthony Laciura join the cast of Martin Scorsese's Boardwalk Empire. Rob Brown will star in another pilot, Treme (now is that Treme as in crème, or Treme as in cream?), about "a post-Katrina-themed drama that chronicles the rebuilding of New Orleans through the eyes of local musicians." [THR]

Former Dole aide and Washington insider Douglas MacKinnon yesterday paid one of his irregular visits to The Huffington Post, where his appreciation for the Kevin James hit quickly gave way to a screed indirectly calling for the firing of its haters in the critical ranks:

What would our nation — or the world for that matter — do without those who are convinced they are smarter, more refined, more well-read, and more entitled than the rest of us? If these people did not exist, would The New York Times, Variety and other outlets simply implode? Would we really be the worse for their absence? [...]

[C]limb down from the Ivory tower from time to time and actually speak to those in line to see the movies of Adam Sandler, Kevin James, and Rob Schneider. If you do, you will find that you are speaking to a representation of the vast majority of the people in our nation.

Yes — please, snobs, these are tough times. No harshing the Blartocalypse, especially not now that John Horn has followed up with the customarily lukewarm LAT trend piece validating the phenomenon. And nothing makes it more official than the disclosure that Blart's producers at Happy Madison — the Sandler shingle that has long eschewed franchising its hits — "believe there is an opportunity to make another Paul Blart movie." Which, not coincidentally, MacKinnon writes that he's "anxiously awaiting." Presumably the reviled New In Town will do for his vast majority in the meantime.

• 'Paul Blart: Mall Cop.' More Real Than Reviewers [HuffPo via Spout]

• 'Paul Blart: Mall Cop' was underestimated [LAT]

1. Paul Blart: Mall Cop — $21.5 million
Stunning industry watchers by landing in the top slot for the second week in a row, Kevin James's paean to the quiet heroism of obese, shopping-center rent-a-cops is clearly reaching beyond its target audience, now luring Slumdog Millionaire fans curious to learn more about the shirtless, exotic Indian boy in the commercials who says, "Peanut Blart and jelly—wha-wha-wha-what's up man?"

2. Underworld: Rise of the Lycans — $20.7 million
Hollywood's Year of the Werewolf kicked off with the shlock excesses of this Underworld prequel. Perhaps they needed the presence of franchise vamp-slut Kate Beckinsale more than they realized, however, as Rise came in nearly $6 million lower than the series's last installment, Underworld: Battle for Selene's Undead Bazoombas.

3. Gran Torino — $16 million
Despite Oscar unzipping his pants and taking a golden shower all over Clint Eastwood's latest offering, audiences continue to flock to this story about a septuagenarian who gets swept up in a Hmong gang war, then tragically blows away a neighborhood grandmother with his smoking finger-guns after getting momentarily confused about color-codes.

5. Slumdog Millionaire — $10.55 million
The expansion of this Oscar favorite to 1,411 screens proved a huge success for Danny Boyle's audience-pleaser, leading a thrilled Fox Searchlight to declare today International Blind-a-Street-Urchin-with-Hot-Lead Day. Go out and enjoy it!

7. Inkheart — $7.725 million
Yet another turkey from the Delgo school of Shitty-Looking Family Fantasies with Weird Titles and 0% Tracking, not even Dame Helen Mirren's involvement could save Inkheart, whose paltry showing ($9 million shy of what we predicted) led Warner exec VP of domestic distribution Jeff Goldstein to admit, "We’re disappointed. We wish the opening would have been bigger, but I think it was always going to be this type of result. Unfortunately, the audience wasn’t excited to see it.” Aww. That's sad. We're sad for Inkheart!

• January 23–25, 2009 Weekend Studio Estimates [BOM]

1. Paul Blart: Mall Cop - $33.8 million
Besting everyone's wildest expectations—including our own—is Kevin James's first solo starring vehicle, playing an overweight New Jersey mall cop who must protect his galleria from a rogue gang of Santa's Little Terrorists. In these trying economic times, when Americans are harder up for laughs than ever, there's really no time to start experimenting with things that "might" look funny. Yes—a fat guy on a Segway is pretty much the closest thing any of us have right now to security. Invest.

2. Gran Torino - $22.235 million
Clint Eastwood's crabby-guy-on-the-porch crowd-pleaser dropped just 25% in its second week, besting two strong-tracking newcomers in the process. It seems audiences craving that vintage Eastwood vigilantism will take it any way they can—even if lines like, "Do ya feel lucky? Well, do ya, punks?" lose some of their potency when spoken in reference to a bowl of homemade white bean dip brought by a hatchet-burying Clint to a neighborhood pot luck.

3. My Bloody Valentine 3-D - $21.9 million
Finally: a film in which 3-D is used in service of the material—and by that we mean you can practically reach out and grab the bouncing boobs of the clueless teen sluts who are about to get a power-saw plunged through their sternum. (And then you can reach out and grab that!) The movie cost under $15 million to make, meaning Bloody's already in the black—so expect sequels as bad and frequent as the Saw series.

4. Notorious - $21.5 million
Notorious had the best per-screen average—$13,126 —of any film this weekend, and gave Fox Searchlight its biggest opening ever. Said an elated Searchlight rep, "I don't brownnose out of town hoes/I'm up around fo' with the crowbar to the five point oh/I get bagged, I'm John Doe, suspect/You ass like prime roastin, Calvin Klein clothes."

5. Hotel for Dogs - $17.707 million
You know it's a particularly robust weekend at the B.O. when even your dogshit-strewn-Marriott movie wildly outperforms expectations. Congratulations guys: Order up some 4-bone Chihuahua whores to your room, an eight-ball of flea powder, and celebrate!

• January 16–18, 2009 [Box Office Mojo]

To bolster his point that worries about cheats are realistic, he cited an unusual source: "I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry," an Adam Sandler movie about two firemen in Brooklyn who pretend they are gay so they can get domestic partner benefits. "The subject was . . . insurance fraud," Weizmann said. "This is not farfetched."

That really upset proponents of the bill, who said they were astounded by Weizmann's comment. "It is an insult to suggest there is any added likelihood of fraud from LGBT [lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender] employees," Leonard Hirsch, Federal GLOBE president, said in a telephone interview. "Currently, the proposed legislation mandates a higher level of certification for LGBT benefit enrollment than for heterosexual employees."

It certainly is an insult to suggest that anyone could draw inspiration from Chuck & Larry. Have we seen an uptick in caricatured Asian priests since the film's release, for example? Do more attorneys now strip down to their lingerie and plead with their handsy clients to "feel these"? If people truly are copycatting Chuck & Larry, prefer they could draw their inspiration from the best part of the film and end themselves after 115 excruciating minutes.

• Benefits for Same-Sex Partners Focus of Senate Hearing [Washington Post via Videogum]

Throughout the show Apatow took movie pitches from the audience members. One member of the audience pitched a road trip movie based on Satre. [sic] The guy then said he traveled all the way from Salt Lake City to see the cast perform. Apatow quipped, ‘They’re going to find me dead after the show.’ Hill seemed the least experienced doing stand up, but still kept the crowd entertained. One of the highlights was a joke Rogen made about farting on airplanes. Apatow also suggested Sandler do a bit that he’d already done, leaving Adam to jab, ‘Some director you’re going to be.’ I would have liked to see Eric Bana do stand up. Otherwise, great night.”

/Film has a few more accounts from attendees, many of which seem potentially more successful than the performers themselves ("Can I get another cock joke, wash it down with a fart. Hey Yall we smoke weed? Thats just classic can’t go wrong with those time honored classics. Damn, my hand won’t stop making this wanking motion for some reason." ... "Energy was way down. Sandler didn’t seem too into it, he kept repeating 'Almost there').

So what next? The film is shooting somewhere over at Universal as we speak; get to stalking already, Defamer Ops! Apatow, Sandler, Rogen, Eric Bana and the rest will appreciate it in the long run — trust us.

• Judd Apatow & Posse Finish 'Funny People' Rehearsals [/Film]

1. I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry—$34.775 million
At multiplexes all over the country, satisfied audiences have emerged from I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry, the uplifting story of two firefighters who commit fraud to take advantage of domestic partner benefits, with a newfound tolerance for heterosexuals who pretend to be in committed, gay relationships for comedically expedient purposes. The telltale sign of those whose attitudes have been changed by the progressive work of Adam Sandler and sitcom bear Kevin James is the quick exchange of a same-sex kiss immediately followed by mutual right-crosses to the jaw, a display of affection that says to a cherished bro, "I would totally pretend to be gay for you if that resulted in the correction of an unjust, pension-related bureaucratic snafu! Especially if I got to bone Jessica Biel!"

2. Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix—$32.185 million
Perhaps the scene that most poignantly illustrates that the Potter franchise is unafraid to tackle the problems of young adulthood is the handling of Harry's first, much-anticipated kiss with Cho Chang, an intimate milestone that is cut short when the excitable wizard's wand spills forth its magic too readily after a prematurely cast Celer Ejaculonum! spell. But humiliation is avoided when Cho reassures Harry that now-deceased fling Cedric Diggory suffered from the same problem, soothing Potter's bruised feelings.

3. Hairspray—$27.8 million
John Travolta's obsessive attention to the details of his transformation into the iconic Edna Turnblad seems to have paid dividends, as exit-polling revealed that 63% of moviegoers found the superstar "completely convincing" as "the most terrifying post-op Baltimore housefrau ever seen in cinema."

4. Transformers—$20.506 million
In lieu of lingering too long on the $262 million domestic gross that Transformers has collected since opening, spend some time reloading Bay's Chinese Mtime page to see some truly dramatic banner photos of the director practicing his craft.

5. Ratatouille—$11 million
Not that you asked, but this has been our favorite movie of the summer so far. (Though we expect it to be displaced by Rush Hour 3—Chris Tucker still can't understand any of the words coming out of Jackie Chan's mouth! Hilarious!)

• WEEKEND BOX OFFICE July 20-22, 2007 [Box Office Mojo]

While the press waits to screen "Chuck & Larry," [GLAAD entertainment media director Damon] Romine has seen the film twice with sample audiences.

"Through this disarming type of comedy, there is this use of stereotypes and slurs, and it holds the mirror up for people to ask, 'Where does this come from?' " Romine said.

"At the end of the day, this is a comedy that actually stresses the importance of family and treating others with dignity and respect. The film actually does send a very strong message.

It's nice to think that once the convulsive laughter has died down, audiences will instantly start to question just what it was they found so hilarious about seeing their hero punch The King of Queens in the face at the altar—inspiring, ultimately, a whole generation of impressionable, Little Nicky-quoting Sandler fanatics to be far more tolerant of straights who pretend to be gay in order to cash in on the attractive array of domestic partnership benefits not yet available to the heterosexual community.

• Gay advocacy groups pronounce Sandler's 'Chuck and Larry' A-OK [bostonherald.com via Towleroad]

Whilst enjoying some cocktails out on the patio of Mickey's in the 'Ho with my faggle, we saw Adam 'Click' Sandler sashaying down Santa Monica with some friends, including bear poster boy, Kevin James (insert King of Queens joke here). Much to our surprise, Sandler and James, along with their posse, sauntered into the club. They stayed on the other side of the room, near the nicely endowed go-go boy. One of my faggle did a little Nancy Drew-ing and found out from one of the go go boys that this wasn't the first time Happy Gilmore was seen at this particular establishment.

Indeed, this kind of dedication to the faking-gay-for-laughs craft is to be commended on the part of both actors, who clearly are going the extra mile in order to win brownie points with director Payne. Still, Sandler could probably have skipped paying homage by reenacting one of Sideways' most famous scenes, startling Mickey's' patrons by drunkenly screaming at his co-star that he is "NOT drinking any fucking 2-for-1 Green Appletinis!!!"

*UPDATE: Payne only penned the Chuck and Larry screenplay; Benchwarmers director Dennis Dugan will be directing. We apologize for our insufficient IMDb-surfing research skills.