• Well, OK. Not really. But she does owe almost twelve grand on back property taxes for her Massapaquonsetsauhut home, and if she doesn't pay up next week, the lien will be sold at public auction. Yes, you could buy Dina Lohan's debt and lord it over her forever. Dina of course blames her shiftless drifter ex-husband, Michael: "My ex is in arrears for child support, and I think it has come from that area." Michael responded, through a rep: "I haven't been in arears since I got out of prison." (Sorry, Pareene.) [P6]
• Madonna would like to ensure, legally, that her two young sons get the proper care when in their father's custody. She filed papers today making sure that they must stay kosher, go to temple twice a week, and have a good internet connection at their dad, Guy Ritchie's, fancy English castle or whatever. And you know what's on the the internet... So, great. Two more rich Jewish boys with sex problems. Thanks, Maddy. [NYDN]
• Sad, appearance-obsessed Olympic swimmer Amanda Beard has found a fiance, photographer Sasha Brown. Upon hearing that her artsy fartsy brother had found himself a beard, Brown's bitchy, sarcastic younger sister Claire snorted and said "Ha, you don't say." To which Brown's mother, Donna Brown, lightly swatted her daughter's knees and said "Oh you, now stop. Just terrible." But you could tell she was smiling a little bit. [Us]
• High Ferret Chancellor Kevin Federline is renting out his children to their mother, Louisiana cosmetology student Britney Spears, for $5,000 a week. In a related story, octuplet-birthing mother of 14 Nadya Suleman raised her head suddenly and chirped "You can do that??" [Sun]
• Peaches Geldof is out at booze parties again, even though she is now a divorced and ruined woman. You'd almost think that the 19-year-old didn't take this stuff seriously or something. [Mirror]

1. Just how many girls does Britney know who have shaved their head? When asked by an overly solicitous, never-seen interviewer why she had gone to Tarzana to shave her head, Britney began what would become her usual pattern: instead of giving the obvious answer (typically, "Dude, drugs"), she uttered an even weirder non-answer. "People shave their heads every day," she explained. Yes, but women typically don't, unless they're Sinead O'Connor, or they have crash-landed on a lice-infested prison planet with an alien in tow. Instead of rebutting her, the interviewer asked, "Why didn't you tell anyone you were going to do it?" as though Brit-Brit had placed it in her appointment book five weeks prior. We think they all found out about it PDQ, homes!

2. Really? No mention of Sam Lutfi or Adnan Ghalib? The documentary effectively made constant attention from the paparazzi seem both terrifying and awful. So, you know, why did Britney date one? Alas, in this special produced by her manager, she never once uttered the names of Adnan Ghalib and her sedative-dispensing Svengali, Sam Lutfi. Even K-Fed barely rated, earning only one actual mention.

3. Where was Britney's mom, Lynne Spears? Though Britney's father figured heavily into the documentary, cooking his daughter cheese grits and patiently enduring her never-ending slams of him (while thinking, "She's my cash cow. Don't talk back!"), mama Lynne was nowhere to be seen. Was she taking care of a similarly M.I.A. Jamie Lynn, or was the special taped during her "How I Fucked Up My Kids" book tour?

4. What was up with Madonna's face? Late in the documentary, Madonna appeared to subtly woo Britney into a better, more spiritual, more Kabbalah-friendly-if-that's-what-you're-into-and-I-can-give-you-the-books way of life. Sadly, we were too distracted by the Material Girl's face, which appeared to be coated with a lower-jaw CG mist not sighted since Kim Catrall swanned her way through the Sex and the City movie.

5. Did Britney don a beret and then pronounce it "buh-rette"? As tickled as we were by what appeared to be an unwitting, on-camera homage to the famous "Ver-sayce" line from Showgirls, a second viewing reminded us that Britney was probably drawling a command to her assistant, Brett. Narrowly avoided, Spears. We'll meet again.

The boys spend most of their time with dad Kevin Federline, and Spears says she is critical of some of his parenting choices.

The children "are starting to learn words like 'stupid,' and Preston says the f-word now sometimes," she says. "He doesn't get it from us. He must get it from his daddy. I say it, but not around my kids."

Still, we imagine that a specific track on Spears's upcoming album, Circus, may provide Federline with some plausible deniability. Certainly, listening to 3-year-old Preston sound out, "Mommy, what does 'If You Seek Amy' mean?" will provide the children with an exciting buried memory to recover during their inevitable stays at Baby Promises (opening in 2011, or whenever the permits go through!).

• Britney Opens Up About Her Dating Disasters [People]

In a new fly-on-the-wall documentary she tearfully admits: “There’s no excitement, there’s no passion.

“I have really good days, and then I have bad days. Even when you go to jail you know there’s the time when you’re gonna get out.

“But in this situation, it’s never ending. It’s just like Groundhog Day every day.”

She says: “I think it’s too in control. If I wasn’t under the restraints I’m under, I’d feel so liberated. When I tell them the way I feel, it’s like they hear but they’re really not listening...I never wanted to become one of those prisoner people. I always wanted to feel free.”

Though we feel for Spears, we hope she can at least put her Groundhog Day-itis to good use. Think of what she could achieve by using that neverending loop to master the piano, save Lynne Spears from buying the same terrible Ed Hardy blouse every day at Kitson, and discover enough about ex-husband Kevin Federline (fun fact: he cries at the end of each episode of Kitchen Nightmares) to woo him back into her good, Cheeto-streaked graces.

[Photo Credit: x17]

• Britney: My new life is worse than jail [The Sun]

What’s more, “part of their therapy involves going on formal dates and Britney is so excited. She’s never stopped loving Kevin or hoping they’d get back together.” While we appreciate any occasion for K-Fed to wear his "fancy" trucker hat, and further, are pleased for young Sean Preston and Jayden James, we still think getting back together might be a mistake.

Remember several years ago when Britney was fairly normal and we were all horrified that she hooked up with a total douche like K-Fed? Well, Britney is the most normal she’s been since then—she’s in good shape, she’s hard at work on a new album, she’s kind of got an acting thing kinda going—and getting back with Federline could derail all that. In fact, it could be argued that her relationship with K-Fed is what sent her into a downward spiral in the first place, so we just hope this therapist knows what he’s doing. In the meantime, we’re gonna hold out hope for Justin Timberlake to dump Jessica Biel, kick K-Fed’s ass to the curb, and get back with Britney so they can regain their crown as the king and queen of uptempo-R&B-flavored teen dance pop. Thank you.

[Photo Credit: Getty Images]

• Britney and Ex-Husband Kevin Are 'Undergoing Couples' Counselling' [Daily Mail]

The latest installment also includes Kate Winslet, Denzel Washington, Shenae Grimes, James Cromwell, Kevin Bacon, Kyra Sedgwick, Whitney Port, Anton Yelchin, T.R. Knight and more.

WEDNESDAY, SEPT. 17

I spotted RYAN GOSLING at the Hotel Cafe last week catching a show by singer AUDRA MAE. He was with a bunch of scruffy dudes - sans Rachel McAdams! Ladies, there may still be hope for us all. He looked super thin and was rocking some stubble. Stayed and hung out after the show until some drunk chick vomited all over the bar, at which point he promptly beelined for the door.

THURSDAY, SEPT. 18

Just returned from the new Big Wang's in West Hollywood where KEVIN FEDERLINE was holding court around the pool table. The group that he was with was way too exited to be in a NoHo bar with KFed. Lots of hooting and cheering every time he made a shot.

FRIDAY, SEPT. 19

Saw super talented and delicious HGTV's Next Design Star runner-up MATT LOCKE at the Sound of Music sing-along. Insert joke about hammering hard wood here. Snicker snicker.

I'm walking up Flower street in Downtown LA around noon today walking towards The Standard when all of a sudden TIM GUNN walks out. He looks great, if not incognito. In hindsight I should have asked him to say "holla at ya boy."

Right now. A very blond KATE WINSLET in first-class on AA 180 from LAX to JFK.

SATURDAY, SEPT. 20

I spotted the USS Enterprise crew member ANTON YELCHIN in Van Nuys on Saturday night at a party at Beer City Studios. He was supporting a friend's band on harmonica and guitar. Much later in the evening, he serenaded the remaining party goers with an 8-minute, improvisational story song about his experience with a "MILF."

Also spotted at the party that night was SAM GOLZARI from American Dreamz and 21. He was playing with his band at the party and, needless to say, we were all "Omerized."

While eating excellent pizza at Tomato Pie on Melrose, SHENAE GRIMES from 90210 walked past me twice. Petite, cute and NOT ANOREXIC!!!! no matter what the tabloids or the L.A. Times claim. Five minutes later, same place, spotted JAMES CROMWELL with his wife/girlfriend and an unexpected big smile on his face.

The MTV Awards may be just a memory now, but on Saturday I actually saw JESSE CAMP, live and in person outside of Cheetah’s. He was accompanied by his wife, and looks pretty much exactly the same as when he won that contest years ago.

SUNDAY, SEPT. 21

On Griffith Park Blvd. at the intersection with Los Feliz Blvd. Was waiting for the traffic lights to change, and just glanced in the rear view to check my hotness, and who do I see pulled up to my bumper, baby? None other than delish-o-gay, T.R. KNIGHT. Was at the wheel of his champagne, metallic SUV (not too big). I knew he lived nearby and it was only a matter of time... Was using his cellphone as he drove. Bad man. Needs bottom spanked. Matter of time...

At the Aero Theater for a sneak peek of Choke - LAURA INNES (redhead doc from ER) sat just across the aisle from me — she laughed in all good spots, stayed for the Q&A with director CLARK GREGG, looked nice and normal and had no attitude (unlike some other people who flipped their lids over the no-camera rule); also JON FAVREAU was there to support Gregg — someone asked a question about Iron Man 2 and they had a laugh, Favs hung out for a bit and talked to all sorts of fans who were surprised to see him, another no-attitude celeb.

MONDAY, SEPT. 22

At BLT Steak: WHITNEY PORT and five others sat at the table next to us, which was fine, she's pretty and all and her manager or whatever wasn't too annoying. But, as we were walking out I noticed DENZEL WASHINGTON sitting in a corner. I feel like he smiled at me when I smiled at him. He is way sexy.

Spotted KEVIN BACON and KYRA SEDGWICK in the parking lot at the southwest corner of Ventura and Beverly Glen in Sherman Oaks at noon today. They were walking to their light blue Prius and looked young, cute, and fit. Seriously. At first I thought it couldn't be them, because who is that cute young blonde ponytailed girl? But sure enough, it was Kyra (no mistaking that face). At one point Kevin put his arm around her and they kissed. Genuinely looked like the real deal.

This week's installment also includes: Clint Eastwood, Jerry Seinfeld, Ryan Phillippe, Kirsten Dunst and Justin Long, Farrah Fawcett, James Woods, Dane Cook, John C. Reilly, Lauren Conrad, Ellen Pompeo, P. Diddy (twice in the same night!), Jared Leto, Kevin Federline, Sandra Oh, Seth Green, Balthazar Getty, Pete Wentz, Briam Baumgartner, Zachary Levi, Ciara, Adam "Seymour Butts" Glasser and more.

TUESDAY, AUGUST 21
· Sitting in a booth at the recently re-opened Fab's on Van Nuys Blvd in Sherman Oaks at 8pm, Mr. "Hey, Spike Lee, Shut Your Pie-Hole" himself, CLINT EASTWOOD, speaking in hushed tones while dining with Sinatra's favorite opening comic, Tom Dreesen. I couldn't hear if Clint said to the waiter, "Go ahead, make my Chicken Marsala." Even at 93 [Ed. Note: He's actually only 78], Clint looks like he could kick some serious butt.

FRIDAY, AUGUST 22
· It was celeb night on Friday 8/22 at the AMC theater at the Century City Mall. Spotted PETE WENTZ standing outside with friends. His hair is flat ironed to oblivion and he is short, almost alarmingly so. Kept his hoodie on the whole time. Jessica's pregnant sister was nowhere in sight.

Then, a few minutes later, ELLEN POMPEO (that's Meredith Grey to you) walked by hand-in-hand with her hubby. Super skinny and wearing gross, skin tight white jeans, white shirt with trashy sky high black heels. They were in a rush which made her look like she walks funny because she clearly couldn't handle those heels. We decided she was dressed like a Staten Island prostitute.

We decided to hold out a few more minutes on the hope we would spot an elusive A-lister. And before we knew it, PUFF DADDY walked by sans entourage! He is indeed puffy. Mr. Mogul needs to get back to running marathons for charity. He was wearing sunglasses. At 10:30pm. And he was texting while walking briskly. Who says men can't multi-task?

· Equinox West Hollywood. PUFF DADDY (again!) makes his entourage wait in the juice bar while he grabs a steam.

· JUSTIN LONG and KIRSTEN DUNST were spotted Friday night at the Dragonfly, checking out the show Point Break LIVE! She sat behind him w/ her girlfriends, but Justin kept turning around to talk to her & see her reaction to the craziness onstage.

·Bristol Farms, West Hollywood, 5:30PM (ish). Looking determined to get out and towing a tow-headed child: RYAN PHILLIPPE. Taller than I would have expected, and beefier (but by no means tall). I don't know if he's moved to the neighborhood but the shopping cart was brimming. In case he is, a word of advice: I know it's technically West Hollywood, but the look you should be going for should be more "Daddy out shopping for groceries with my kids on Beverly" and less "Out shopping for a Daddy to buy my groceries on Santa Monica".

SATURDAY, AUGUST 23
· He's not a household name, but with 33 film and 40 television credits, let's just say I was surprised to see SEAN WHALEN selling blenders at the Burbank Costco on Saturday, miked up, dressed in a white lab coat and white paper hat. He usually plays nerds, but now he's extolling the virtues of raw food smoothies. Ouch.

SUNDAY, AUGUST 24
· Sunday night at the Radiohead show. Saw SANDRA OH with several dudes scrambling to get to their seats. She looked flustered, yet excited. Also saw SETH GREEN in line between songs waiting for beers. He was sporting a trucker hat and has a big, shaggy red beard. He looks like he belongs under a bridge waiting for three billy goats gruff.

Lastly, also saw BALTHAZAR GETTY near the beer line between songs, wearing douchey skinny jeans and chomping on cigarettes. Dude looked like he was having way too much fun, like he'd just ditched his wife and kids for a hot chick who likes to bang while only wearing a sailor's hat. Oh, wait...

· As I approached the cool 'n' groovy Santa Monica/Fairfax Whole Foods, I saw two paps outside aiming their lenses into the store. Store security blocked their view. I heard someone say, "She's the one in orange," and then noticed LAUREN CONRAD in a cute orange summer dress, casual hair, grinding her own peanut butter near the bulk grains. No, she did not have an assistant to pour in the peanuts and press the button for her. When I left she was checking out, the paps were lining up, and the Whole Foods security guys, looking vaguely energized, were preparing to escort Ms. Conrad to her vehicle.

MONDAY, AUGUST 25
· Monday night, Radiohead at the Bowl. After briefly encountering JARED LETO (dressed a bit like Shia in Indiana Jones) on the concourse leading a small scuzzy posse around and claiming that he had extra seats, I was surprised to see him all alone in the pool circle up front where I was seated (second row, yo!). Jared apparently ditched his "boys" and tried a bum rush to get up front as the lights went down. Multiple security guards stopped him and he immediately went into "Don't you know who I am?" mode. At first it was high-larious, but then it became a bit pathetic. And then it became a lot pathetic. He just would not give up. It didn't matter. They hauled him away just before the band came out and killed it.

I'd like to believe that Radiohead hates Jared's stupid fucking band and the noise pollution he calls music as much as I and everyone else at the show does, and that they ordered security to remove him from their immediate vicinity, but more than likely Thom Yorke has never heard of 30 (Minutes? Miles? I refuse to google.) to Mars. To Thom, it was probably just another dumb asshole without a ticket getting the boot from the front. Which is exactly what it was.

·Saw JAMES WOODS on 8/25 on Burton Way near Raffles L'Ermitage Beverly Hills. He was on the phone and completely plugged into it. Looks pretty good for a man his age. No sign of his 20 year old girl anywhere.

TUESDAY, AUGUST 26
· Comedy Antichrist DANE COOK was at Crunch. His name was on the marquee at the Laugh Factory across the street, so I'm guessing it was some sort of pre- or post-show routine. If you imagined that he'd work out in a backwards baseball cap and muscle shirt, thereby confirming your image of him as a superannuated, doughy-faced, overgrown frat boy - you'd be correct.

WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 27
· Two fun (separate) sightings. Saw Kevin (BRAIN BAUMGARTNER) from Scrantonicity (and, yes, The Office); and, Chuck (ZACHARY LEVI), from, well, Chuck at the Studio City Starbucks. Both taking meetings around the corner at the NBC/Universal building? Kevin wearing shorts, Chuck driving a gas-guzzling Chevy Tahoe. Bad choices, boys.

· Eyed R&B sensation/masturbation fantasy CIARA placing a to-go order at the El Pollo Loco on Sunset and Crescent Heights around 4:40pm. Body was insane.

· I was walking back to my office from Rick's Tavern yesterday around 8:35pm going South on Main St when, lo and behold, JERRY SEINFELD was walking the opposite direction. He was with a group of like 3 or 4 friends and looking casual but good. Hoodie and glasses and admiring the motor bikes parked on the street.

· Saw Seymore Butts (born ADAM GLASSER) in the Miracle Mile Marie Callender's today. No cameras, no nudity, no sex acts being performed. But seriously, I saw Seymore Butts!!!

FRIDAY, AUGUST 29
· Walking through the hallways of a building deep in the heart of Toluca Lake around 3:30pm is FARRAH FAWCETT. Farrah raised her head to look me in the eye with a a look that said "Yes I am Farrah Fawcett and don't talk to me" Farrah had heavy duty perfume situation going on that wafted in the hallway well after she left the building. Christie Brinkley is about the same age as her but Farrah looks like she has been through the ringer and had a rough, rough hard drinking, hard partying, heavy tanning life. Use sunscreen, kids. Use Sunscreen.

· Not sure if KEVIN FEDERLINE is a real "sighting" but we saw Father of The Year at Malibu Seafood on Friday. Did not look overly douche-y. Was with a few guys, both whom I recognized but neither that I could place.

· We saw JOHN C. REILLY out in Dublin's (as in, Ireland) posh south side last Friday. We couldn't remember his name right off. We called him "Not-Will-Ferrell". He didn't seem to mind.

[Photo Credit: X17]

boomp3.com



Sometimes rapper/sometimes actor Kevin Federline offered up a rave review of the in-flight entertainment after deplaning in Miami. K-Fed was surprised that the airplane would have first run movies like Step Up 2 The Streets and 10,000 BC. K-Fed said, "As a dad, I don't get to go out to movies too often. It's either, I'm just kicking back with the kids, watching Yo Gabba Gabba! or I'm jetting off to a night club in La Puente to do an appearance. It was nice to just sit back, throw on some head phones and catch up with high quality cinema." Federline was looking forward to his flight back to Los Angeles because he heard that they were going to show Horton Hears A Who.

[Photo Credit: X17]

*A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

In today's installment: Britney Spears, Jeremy Piven, Paris Hilton, Vince Vaughn, Jack Black, Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson, Luke Wilson, David Beckham, Dennis Hopper, Gwen Stefani, Cuba Gooding Jr., Jeff Goldblum, Zooey Deschanel, Rainn Wilson, Giovanni Ribisi, Judy Greer, Phil Spector, Kevin Federline, Morgan Spurlock, Kristen Chenoweth, Judy Greer, Cloris Leachman, John Slattery, Emma Stone, Bijou Philips, Jane Lynch, Dean Cain, John Corbett, Paul Scheer, and more.

SATURDAY, MAY 24
While surrounded by Brody Jenner-looking date
rapists at Happy Endings, I spotted a welcomed sight: Seth Morris, Owen Burke, and Paul Scheer. Joined by a bunch of other UCB comic types upstairs in the corner and looking almost as out of place as me.

WEDNESDAY, JUNE 4
Saw Cloris Leachman at the Aqua Lounge watching Jeff Goldblum and his band play some jazz standards. Jeff's pretty talented on the keyboard, but the group as a whole made me feel like I was at someone's wedding.

Wednesday afternoon, my friend and I are having our usually mid-week lunch time phone conversation. In mid-conversation he gasps and tells me that he is at Chipotle in BH and David Beckham has just walked in. No f''ing way! David F'ing Beckham in Chipotle! BTW - what's up with that family and Mexican food? Just wish I could get shot in person of David's burrito! hehe

FRIDAY, JUNE 6
Vince Vaughn at the Greek Theatre for A Prairie Home Companion on June 6. Thinking he's a Garrison Keillor fan definitely makes me like him a little more.

Driving on Ledgewood in Hollywoodland today, I saw Phil Spector driving a Mercedes convertible, wearing that crazy giant curly fright wig he dropped in favor of the lesbian pageboy thing he wore in court. He wears it while driving a convertible! How the hell do you bolt that on?

Cuba Gooding Jr. with 2 friends eating sushi at Hana Sushi in Brentwood. He was a lot smaller than I thought he would be and was definately enjoying his wine. He was nice to everyone that came up and talked with him. He was abnormally excited about going to Q's (the pool bar next door). Oh wait, it was beer pong night. I'd be excited too!

SUNDAY, JUNE 8
Judy Greer (aka Kitty from Arrested Development) spotted Friday night at St Nick's Pub on 3rd st, sitting in a booth with friends. Had to stop myself from making a George Bluth reference.

MONDAY, JUNE 9
I love the show Mad Men, so what a thrill to spot Sterling Cooper honcho John Slattery getting his caffeine on at the Starbucks on Main Street in Santa Monica.

TUESDAY, JUNE 10
Former TV Superman Dean Cain swooping down into Beverly Hills for some shopping at Tom's Toys on Beverly Drive.

THURSDAY, JUNE 12
Saw John Corbett at LAX on Thursday. T-shirt, jeans, boots, with tinted Ray-Bans at the Hudson Books. Tall with a paunch that looks just right on him. Looks like a very hip carpenter. No one seemed to notice him even though he's a pretty big dude.

At the Palms in Vegas for a little work and a little fun, CineVegas is happening. I caught the opening night film, The Rocker, and went to the after party at Moon and the cast was there. Emma Stone is stunning in person, her waist is teeny and her skin is all Hollywood teen glow, she was hanging out with who I think was her mom. Jane Lynch was in a cool 50's style dress with pockets, lady is tall and very animated when she talks. Open bar here is a dangerous thing.

I was having dinner at the Mel's on Sunset Blvd. across from Ketchup. As me and my boyfriend got up to leave, I heard an easily recognizable voice. I look down and sitting at a booth with a couple of her friends was the star of Broadway's Wicked and ABC's Pushing Daisies, Kristin Chenoweth. She looked adorable as ever!

FRIDAY, JUNE 13
Around 8 am, I passed the front desk at The Palms and saw Dennis Hopper talking to who I assume was his assistant. He looks good for an older guy, white hair, sharply dressed, short and holding onto a bottle of water. I then head to the elevator and walk past Rainn Wilson in red wayfarers and a golf shirt, he's tall and funny looking, the same as one would imagine. Seemed like he had a long night and was asking where the Coffee Bean was. Later in the day, Bill Pullman came through the casino in a navy blazer, he stopped and took photos with people. There was a CineVegas anniversary party at the Palms Place pool. Hopper, George Maloof and tons of people were there including some guy with a cat perched on his shoulder and Britney Spears. She was seated in a cabana with a velvet rope in front of it where two HUGE security guys minded her and a few friends. She was in a black cocktail dress and sat sipping her drink and was surprisingly pretty. The fake tan didn't look so fake and she looked like she had been styled for the night. I wouldn't have noticed her had it not been for the rope. The whole thing was weird. Like walking past a diorama in the Natural History Museum...The Britney Exhibit. She sat watching the party happen and the party peered at her like she was some kind endangered species....and of course, Prince Paul kept interrupting his set to play her music. Tres surreal.

Jeremy Piven looking very chubby at Zen Zoo, on Vine.

Lunchtime in Beverly Hills near the Chipotle, I THINK I saw Jack Black coming down the sidewalk. He was carrying a bag of fast food, unlike other Bev Hills denizens, who carry bags of ugly empire-waisted dresses. I wasn't super certain it was him...but then I saw that belly, that belly that practically got second billing on Nacho Libre. I hope it was him as I said "Hello, awesome!" as we passed each other on the sidewalk. If it was just another chubby dude, then THAT was terribly embarrassing...

Luke Wilson looking extremely hot at my local pavillion supermarket in Santa Monica. Drove off in his illegally tinted silver porsche and while at the red light, kept raising and lowering his window like he couldn't decide if he wanted to be noticed. Looking very sexy tho.

SATURDAY, JUNE 14
Britney at Palms Place in Vegas. There with one of her enablers and a Russian bodyguard. She was chain smoking cigarettes and eating chicken fingers as she sat by the pool. It's true — she's all class.

Saw Giovanni Ribisi at the carwash on Vermont and Prospect. He smoked a cigarette and read a script while he waited for his car. He kept to himself and was completely unassuming so much so I almost feel guilty sending in this sighting. I wasn't able to see what type of car he drives as my car was finished before his.

At the valet stand at Planet Hollywood, I waited for my keys and looked to my left, there standing beside me was Kevin Federline. He's a little guy, wearing his requisite white t-shirt and baggy shorts. Wasn't impressed. Probably not a coincidence that Britney is in town too. Later that night at the Palms, I saw Bijou Philips perform at another CineVegas party. She sang for a little while and hung out by the pool, her voice wasn't half bad. Spotted Traci Lords waiting for an elevator in stilettos and a tight black dress, she has aged insanely well.

SUNDAY, JUNE 15
In Planet Hollywood, I saw Dwayne Johnson tan, lean and HOT coming down the main escalator going to a screening of Get Smart. He's tall and surprisingly good looking, not bulky or wrestler-esque. He stopped and signed autographs in the casino and had a seriously huge entourage.

Back at the Palms, I saw a sunburned Morgan Spurlock by the pool, handlebar moustache in full effect. Passed by Beastie Boy MCA (Adam Yauch) on the casino floor.

MONDAY, JUNE 16
I saw Vincent Kartheiser of Mad Men on the Continental redeye from Newark to LAX. He was dressed just like Pete Campbell in a brown suit and vintage skinny tie, and bopping around the terminal to whatever was on his iPod. Staying in his character's groove I guess, he was only slightly more subdued once on board (first class of course). Much better looking in person than on the show, but an occasional burger wouldn't kill him - the guy is rail thin.

WEDNESDAY, JUNE 18
Last night I saw doe-eyed indie goddess/ingenue Zooey Deschanel at the Rilo Kiley Show at the Greek. Looked absolutely stunning (and happy), wearing a gorgeous green dress.

THURSDAY, JUNE 19
As we were leaving Juvenex Spa in Manhattan at 9pm, Paris Hilton was just coming in. She was all dressed up and decked out. I guess with the stress of being Paris she needed a massage.

Saw Gwen Stefani and family (including her dad) enjoying dinner at Buddha's Belly on Beverly last night (6/19). Aside from the few annoying paparazzi outside, they were pretty much left alone. Gwen looked gorgeous without all of that caked on makeup!

As it turns out, these two suicide attempts have very little to do with the Britney we’ve recently begun to muster up a bit of pride for — after romping around new father figure and sobriety expert Mel Gibson’s Caribbean retreat all smiles and apparently dating a guy who neither wears wifebeaters nor makes a living taking pictures of stars flashing their, well, Britney, we’d joined the Package on her most recent recovery train. And after reading excerpts from the not-so-shocking story itself, we’re still aboard. Despite the source being Celebrity Undercover author Ian Halperin, the scribe who spent years undercover in the COS as a gay actor impressively revealing the inner workings of Scientology’s bizarre practices, the dates Halperin supplies for Britney’s alleged suicidal tendencies are ancient in Hollywood years.

As a Spears family insider chimes in, “the singer regularly hinted at suicide...her suicidal tendencies began after the birth of her second son Jayden James in September 2006. 'It really became an issue once Jayden was born and it became clear Britney's marriage to Kevin was crumbling.'” 2006?! Two years ago, Bald Britney, Umbrella Swinging Britney, Pink Bobbed Britney, nor Gurney-Riding Britney had yet to even make their thrilling debuts! Who wouldn’t consider taking one too many sleeping pills after realizing you’d wasted years with a poor man’s Vanilla Ice and kinda, maybe, probably shoulda waited a few years or never to pop out babies prone to matricide? Revelations, shmevelations indeed.

[Photo credit: Life & Style via Daily Mail]

• TROUBLED STAR BRITNEY SPEARS 'ATTEMPTED SUICIDE ON TWO OCCASIONS' [Daily Mail]

Federline had a quiet night at the club, chilling with friends and pumping his fist into the air when Timbaland's "The Way I Are" was played by the DJ. Prive presented Federline his Father of the Year trophy "someplace quiet" at the dad-of-four's request, so clubgoers didn't see the ceremony, according to a source.

Meanwhile, geriatric adventurer Harrison Ford showed the tolerance of a grandfather, as he wore a T-shirt designed by his fiancee Calista Flockhart's adopted Uggs-wearing son, Liam, out in public. The Daily Mail has photos of Ford pretending to enjoy wearing the hand-drawn shirt with a giant smiley face on it. But a Zaprudering of the photo reveals that the man's tolerance only goes so far. Note the address of the restaurant: 9531 Culver. That's right, he spent Father's Day in Culver City, undoubtedly hoping to minimize the chances that he'd be photographed looking so ridiculous. Note also that Flockhart is standing next to a sign that reads, "Big, fat." Clearly little Liam is an evil genius, arranging for his parents to get caught by the paparazzi in the world's most humiliating photo op.

[Photo Credit: Splash, Daily Mail]

• Kevin Federline Named Father Of The Year in Las Vegas [US]
• Daddy dearest: Harrison Ford shows his softer side as he dotes on Calista's adopted son [Daily Mail]

According to reports in everyone’s favorite trusted supermarket tabloid, Britney Spears is allegedly deep in planning mode for Comeback #487. Sources tell the National Enquirer that Spears is shelling out up to $10 million on what sounds like a very tasteful, classy-by-way-of-Louisiana string of song-and-dance shows at The Palms, one of K. Fed’s favorite places to sink into debt play the big baller. Where Spears is coming up with all this cash, considering most of her dough is currently going towards her father’s daily rate for babysitting, is still a mystery. But based on the description of her latest plan to “jump-start her career,” we’re not so sure these shows will do much aside from force us to remember Britney Spears Comebacks number 1 through 486:

As their source puts it, "She wants to make a splashy comeback in Las Vegas. She wants the show to be full of high energy and flashy costume changes." And while costume changes would be refreshing after her most infamous Comeback in that bejeweled bikini, her slightly varied outfits throughout that post-rehab string of weavetastic surprise shows at small venues didn't help to disguise the fact that she'd lost her dancing prowess, nor did they help plug our ears. But we do enjoy the use of the word "flashy." A dose of flash or two could have gone a long way towards saving her gritty pole-dancing performance in the video for "Gimme More." Putting aside our lack of belief in her latest scheme, we're primarily worried about Spears spending so much time in Vegas. The last time she "appeared" at an event on the Strip, she wound up wobbly welcoming the New Year before promptly passing out. Lest we forget, this is also the city that hosted her merry garter-adorned dream wedding. What happens to Britney in Vegas rarely stays in Vegas, unfortunately.

• SPEARS IN TALKS TO STAGE VEGAS SHOWS [Contact Music]

Most sex tape rumors involving Britney Spears are either too good to be true (Colin Farrell!) or too gross to convince us to want to see them at all (K. Fed). But the latest story from the tabloids is filled with details so plausible (especially considering the then-manic Package's mental state) that we’re not so sure it’s just another fairy tale. As the National Enquirer is reporting (again, don’t judge a supermarket tab’s creds by its cheap cover):

[Adnan Ghalib] is shopping around a sex tape that was filmed during their trip January trip to Mexico...[the tape] will go down as the highest selling porn tape of all time, out selling even Paris Hilton's.

So what could Britney possibly do in the bedroom to top her fellow Bimbo Summit member’s green-eyed appearance in nightmare-vision? The eerily realistic details after the jump.

As a source who claims to have seen the tape tells the tab, "the video starts with Britney undressing...She was wearing some cheap clothes that she bought down there. The sex wasn't particularly kinky but Britney wears a pink wig throughout." Well, the image of Britney in that pink wig she favored during her American Tragedy days doesn't do much to entice us, but we do find it highly believable that sex with Spears just wouldn't be all that "kinky." We've seen her manhandle props like umbrellas before and it was neither graceful nor hot. But the kicker comes after Spears allegedly performs a striptease for Adnan, removing all her clothes save for the technicolor bob: "Adnan tells her to take it off at one point and she says coyly, 'Take what off? There's nothing left to take off.'" And thank goodness for that. However horrific Paris appeared as a nocturnal sex nymph in her tape, nothing puts the sails down like bald sex.

• IS ADNAN SHOPPING A BRITNEY SPEARS SEX TAPE? [Splash News]

Though inching your digits inside the shorts of your incredibly hot girlfriend may not be the classiest move, we'd watch a porno starring Enrique and Anna any day. As for Drew and Justin, the more photos and TMZ clips we see of this couple, the more we approve. They're cute. Even when they kiss in cars. Which is usually just plain awkward. And so what if TomKat are nutcases? This classic dip Tom pulled off in Rome early on in their relationship is as romantic as it gets.

Oh dear. The boob-grab from behind? While making eye contact with some other chick off-camera? Sorry Billy Bob, but that whole crass thing you made work with Angelina became instantly uncool the second you dumped her. As for this picture of Britney Spears gleefully grabbing K. Fed's crotch on a balcony for all the paps to see, well, even writing a snarky comment on it might make us physically ill. And just in case you didn't think the idea of kissing Nicole Kidman was horrifying enough, Us has thankfully provided us with proof. Yeah, thanks. A lot.

[Photo credits: INF, Flynet, Bauer-Griffin, BE Images via Us, Wireimage]

• CELEBRITY PDA! [Us]

"She believes a reality show is a no-brainer. She can be herself and not have to study lines...Several production companies are interested in a Britney reality show and are willing to pay her millions."

But considering her lockdown with dad Jamie and void in her social calendar, we're not exactly sure what twists and plotlines Britney has to showcase these days. We suppose prepping for and attending Jamie Lynn's upcoming nuptials down South would make for a couple of quasi-interesting episodes, but we have yet to find an answer to our most burning question: what does Britney do all day? According to Starpulse, most of her time is currently spent meeting with tacky designer Ed Hardy to plan a children's clothing line. Is what the world needs right now really footage of Britney wearing logo hoodies and sewing onesies in her Justin shrine?

[Photo credit: X17]

• CHAOTIC: THE SEQUEL [DListed]
• BRITNEY SPEARS EYES FASHIONABLE FUTURE [Starpulse]

"At Scores strip club, he gave $2,000 on a $365 meal bill."

Some of the standout charges on Federline's AMEX bills, dated from May 2007 up to January of this year, included dropping nearly $1,500 at Versace, and two $3,000-plus bills at TAO and Hard Rock. TMZ goes on to list some of the more common outlets Kevin enjoys best, such as Encino Park Liquor, Garrett Popcorn Shop and, most intriguingly (and disturbingly), Victoria's Secret. We hear they make lovely silk bibs and lacey onesies that would look dashing on Sean Preston and The Other One.

[Photo Credit: Getty]

• KEVIN FEDERLINE SPENT MORE THAN $43,000 ON CLOTHING, FOOD LAST YEAR [Us]
• K-FED LIVES ON BOOZE, BURGERS AND BIG 5 [TMZ]

Dylan McKay: Zac Efron, because he's a pretty boy with great hair.
Kelly Taylor: Ashley Tisdale, because she's used to playing the bitchy popular girl. Too bad she already got a nosejob, though — that could've been a revolutionary episode.

Brandon Walsh: Tom Welling, because he could save the day with a smile.
David Silver: Kevin Federline, because he's a wannabe rapper in need of a gig.

Donna Martin: Jamie Lynn Spears, because it would be a cinch playing the dumb blonde who preaches celibacy (only to get knocked up this time around, 'cuz it's the Millenium!).
Brenda Walsh: Miley Cyrus, because we still can't figure out whether or not we love or hate her.

Steve Sanders: Cody Lohan, because he's blonde and annoying.
Andrea Zuckerman: Gabrielle Carteris, because, well, she needs a job.

Did we miss anything? Leave your suggestions in the comments, that's what they're there for!

• RICH KIDS ARE BACK: CW PLOTS '90210' SPINOFF [THR]