OK!
"Tragic Death." The mag chose a cover image that some are calling "ghoulish" and a "disgrace," especially since Michael Jackson may already be dead in the photo. Some advertisers may be pissed and there's talk of a boycott. Inside you'll find a standard collage of old and new Michael Jackson photographs. Also inside: Kristen Stewart has dumped her boyfriend Michael Angarano, according to a source, which means she COULD date Robert Pattinson, but she doesn't want to rush into another relationship. YAWN. One spread in the "news" section is called "The Many Faces Of Johnny Depp" and is just pictures of characters he has played. News? Really?
Grade: F (pulled away by rip tide)

Life & Style
"Who Killed Michael." The headline inside is "Drugs, Anorexia and Missing Millions," and you'll find a typical sensationalist story: the family thinks drugs were being used to manipulate Michael; there might have been millions stolen from him; he kept saying that he owed people money and people would kill him if he didn't do the London concerts. On and on, bullshit. Moving on: Bradley Cooper and Gerard Butler are "competing" for Jennifer Aniston. During a late night shoot on Bounty Hunter, Jen was getting really "chatty" with Gerard, and a source says "Gerard was getting really close to her on the escalator." Um, it's an escalator. How far apart can two people be? Also, Gerard is "just like" Brad Pitt because they "wear similar hats," "they love their bikes," they've got great bodies," and they both wear aviator sunglasses. In a story about how Kate Gosselin might raise her kids alone, there's a sidebar on Jon Gosselin, in which the magazine spells his name with an H (we circled it in yellow for you) and prints the headline, "John Trades The Kids For Booze, Money And Women." (Fig. 1). Kendra Wilkinson had "wedding dress drama" when days before the ceremony, she discovered that her dress didn't fit! Her boobs were too big, because she is three months pregnant, "I had to get my whole dress redone," she explains. Britney Spears would like her agent/boyfriend Jason Trawick to move in with her at the end of her tour. Jacqueline of RHONJ clears up what Caroline was accusing Danielle of doing to Dina in the reunion special, saying: "Danielle was trying to harm Dina by giving her ex-husband a phone number that might give him leverage in the custody of their daughter Lexi." Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel might be "taking a break" since they have not been photographed together since May 31 and a source says, "I think they might be over." Robert Pattinson's aunt speaks to the magazine and says: "I don't think it would be a good idea for Robert to be in a serious relationship with Kristen. How can he live his life with a fellow star with their every move being watched, just like Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes?"
Grade: D- (jellyfish sting)

Star
"52 Best & Worst Beach Bodies!"
Some of the "best" include 15-year-old Ali Lohan, perennial fave Kim Kardashian, and Julia Roberts. Worsts? Kate Gosselin, Stephanie Seymour and Helena Christensen — the latter two have cellulite. Moving on: According to this magazine, Janet Jackson should get the kids because Katherine Jackson is too old and "it's what Michael would have wanted." Although the cover says "Janet Fights For Michael's Kids," it appears to be a lie — there is no information ANYWHERE indicating that Janet has gotten involved or wants the kids. Next: Justin Ross Lee, "an up and coming Facebook celebrity," sat next to Ashley Olsen on an airplane, took pictures of her sleeping and apparently sold the story to Star. It's a Star "exclusive." Disney Star Selena Gomez has a mole on her chest and if the 16-year-old star tries on a dress with a neckline low enough that the beauty mark can be seen, her mom nixes it. Says the mom: "I'm on constant mole patrol." James Haven — brother of Angelina Jolie — has a license plate which reads "Shilloh," because that was his nickname as a kid. Angie named her daughter after him, in a way. Lindsay Lohan went to get a manicure and had no cash on her, and no credit cards; she let another customer pay the bill for her. Blind item! "Which funnylady is a fan of those funny-smelling cigarettes? Tongues were wagging when she showed up half-baked at an industry dinner in L.A. on June 19th." In an interview with Robert Pattinson's exes, we learn that he was "amazing" in bed and that his first girlfriend now works in a slaughterhouse in New Zealand. Kevin, the ex-husband of RHONJ's Danielle Staub, claims that Danielle brought up "the book" to producers before the show. After she made the plea deal so she wouldn't go to prison, she started receiving anonymous threatening phone calls — possibly from the drug dealers she'd ratted out — and was talking about maybe going into the witness protection program.
Grade: D (mangled and tumbled by six foot waves)

In Touch
"Gone Too Soon."
To accompany this classic, retro cover straight out of 1984, there are two long stories about Michael Jackson and Farrah Fawcett, PLUS A PULL-OUT POSTER with Michael on one side and Farrah on the other. Margaret is totally hanging it in her locker. (Fig. 2a, 2b) Also inside: Lindsay Lohan wears $2,165 ripped jeans. (Fig. 3). Madonna and Mercy look cute together! (Fig. 4). Did Stephanie Pratt have a nose job (Fig. 5)? Is Britney "unraveling" again? Recently she went shopping and changed her outfit in every store. Then, in London, she "tearfully shut herself into a closet" and "her assistant had to coax her out by promising to buy her tacos." Kate Gosselin is "flabby" now that the divorce is getting to her. Or wearing a different cut of bathing suit? Bradley Cooper is "going to break Jen's heart" because the night before their date, we was out with Lake Bell and "had his hands all over her legs." Check out Style Network star Ruby's "first fashion shoot" ever, on page 85 (Fig. 6). Lastly, a spider monkey named Coco announces that she likes bananas, grapes and swings, and is the 4th of the Girls Next Door (Fig.7).
Grade: C (sunburn)

Us
"His Final Days."
Margaret says this is the best Michael Jackson story she has read all week. Instead of the recapped/CNN stuff the other magazines are printing. The mag talks to Michael's former bodyguard, who says that MJ was often over-medicated and "I would have to literally lift him up and carry him back to the car or back to his room." Michael had a fall-out with his former best friend, illusionist Uri Geller, because Geller tried to tell him he was taking too many painkillers and anti-depressants — Michael couldn't accept someone confronting him, because he's used to getting his way. A family source says that Michael's usual schedule was to sleep until late in the afternoon and stay up all night, but when he started rehearsals for the tour, it "totally screwed up his system." He started using stimulants in order to get up early for the rehearsals. There's another story in the mag about Michael's "Life As A Dad" with tons of previously unseen pictures of his kids. Plus, there's deep insight as to what the kids' lives were like. Sources say the kids were very intelligent and fairly normal. Michael would get down on his knees on the floor and change Blanket's diaper. Michael made a big deal out of Christmas, because growing up as a Jehovah's Witness, he wasn't allowed to celebrate. But a photographer says that his wacky behavior did affect the kids: He was paranoid that someone was trying to poison the kids, and at hotels, there would be a long list of stuff they couldn't eat. When they stayed in fancy hotels, Michael would go in and baby-proof everything — like go in and put cardboard and tape on all sharp edges of the furniture. The kids were home-schooled in a classroom at Neverland that had blackboards, textbooks and desks, and the children had to wear matching uniforms to school. They had instructors, but Michael also handled some of the lessons: He taught them African-American history, music and art. There's also information on the biological father of the kids, dermatologist Arnold Klein. Plus: Did you know that Katherine Jackson and Joe Jackson don't live together? She lives in L.A. and he lives in Vegas. Also inside: Kanye West has been interning at the GAP's offices in NYC. "He works all the time, and one Friday night recently, he stayed until 12 am. He's learning the fashion business from the inside and trying to do it quietly." Jennifer Garner hates Ben Affleck's ex, Gwyneth Paltrow! She's annoyed that Gwyneth sends her kids to Violet's school… but only for a few weeks a year, which "messes up the dynamics of the class." Lastly, there are six pages of "official photos" from Kendra Wilkinson's wedding — she was bumped off the cover by the death of MJ. Margaret found the wedding, which took place at the Playboy Mansion, to be a "shockingly classy affair." Holly Madison and Bridget Marquardt were among the bridesmaids, and Hef and his three new girlfriends were in attendance. Hef danced with Kendra to "As Time Goes By." Fatherly!
Grade: B- (sand in crotch of swimsuit)

Fig. 1

Fig. 2a

Fig. 2b

Fig. 3

Fig. 4

Fig. 5

Fig. 6

Fig. 7

Like a rebellious wild child turned much less fun football wife, Wilkinson is renouncing her former lifestyle ("Now I'm totally against [Hefner's] way of life") in a tell-all to Us Weekly. And what better way to do it then let the air out of the sexy, polygamous balloon by admitting that when she wanted to get laid, it wasn't with any of the magazine founders, fellow Girls, teenage sons, or strangely aggressive peacocks on the grounds of Hef's Holmby Hills estate?

"I had to have sex every now and then, so I had to kind of sneak it," Hugh Hefner's 23-year-old ex tells Us Weekly.

The buxom blonde says "of course" she and the Playboy founder were intimate, but notes she often only saw him once a day - in passing.

"Besides the nights we went out, I only saw Hef, like, once a day walking through the halls to his office. There were never solo dates," she said.

"The most we kind of say to each other is, 'I love you,' 'Love you too,' 'I hope you have a good day,' 'Did you have a good day?'" [...]

"Bridget told me that she's been faithful all these years, and I was like, 'How the hell can you do that?' I had to have [sex] so I could feel my age, like a healthy human being."

We're sad to learn of Wilkinson's unconscionable betrayal; after all, what could be sexier than retiring to Hef's four-poster bed at night (after a flinty Holly narrows her eyes in the bedroom hallway and growls, "Your turn") to find the 82-year-old Playboy founder splayed out in an uncomfortably hiked up kimono, tongue lolling? "Kendra, I want to put my hand on your breast," he would say, limply. "Will you lift my hand and do that?"

[Photo Credit: AP]

• Hugh Hefner's Playboy lifestyle isn't what it seems, says Kendra Wilkinson [NYDN]

Holly Madison isn't the only Girl Next Door to find a new press-pleasing public relaysh. Our snoopy Seattle sources say GNDoor Kendra Wilkinson's BF, Philly Eagle hunk Hank Baskett, proposed to her atop the Space Needle this past weekend. Dreary Northwest weather, so romantic.

But it gets better:

Both fams were present for the proposal, and Ken-babe seemed completely shell-shocked at the revealed ring. H.B. even got down on one knee to pop the big q to the former Playmate.

Nearly readable, Ted — thanks! According to Us, Hef is fine with the development. "I have given her my blessing and will be giving her away at a very special wedding ceremony at the Playboy Mansion this coming June," he said. In lieu of wedding gifts, both bride and groom are asking that donations be made to the Young Playmate Panties Divestment Fund.

[Photo Credit: Getty Images]

• 
  Kendra Engaged to Hunky Eagle Hank [E!]

In a video interview conducted at the mansion's Halloween party (and out of sight from her publicist), a visibly tense Wilkinson interrupted one of the reporter's questions to state, "There will only be the original Girls Next Door. We built this show, and we worked our butts off to be here."

Then, gritting her teeth, she added, "These girls are coming here afterwards, which I have no problem with, [but] we've made this for them. I would appreciate it if they would be a little more thankful." When pressed further, though, a suddenly circumspect Wilkinson froze and said, "I don't know if I can open my mouth anymore... Shh. It's a secret!" What girl-on-girl rivalries might be existing behind the scenes at the Playboy Mansion? And, most pressingly, do they involve pillow fights? Developing!

• Hef Girls (New and Old) Party at Playboy Mansion [E!]

It seems that San Diego native Wilkinson still hasn't forgiven Brady for beating her beloved Chargers in the AFC championship, and she'd rather go naked (a simple proposition!) then wear the number of the noted Gisele diddler. Lucky for Wilkinson, then, that the Chargers won't be playing the Philadelphia Eagles, where her rumored secret fiance Hank Baskett is a wide receiver. Meanwhile, we await the sports affiliations of brand-new Girls Next Door Karissa and Kristina Shannon, though we do hear that the twins are no strangers to "unnecessary roughness." [E!]

Is it possible that Hef is losing his mojo? That women find his wrinkly skin and thinning hair unattractive? That they enjoy the company of a man who doesn’t always feel the need to wear a smoking jacket? Surely these girls aren’t just pretending to like Hef as a publicity stunt while they build up their careers with reality shows and magazine appearances. That would be unconscionable.

It’s a sad day in Holmby Hills when a man can’t find true love and happiness with three blond women less than half his age. But does that mean its time for Hef to stop having sex and start drinking prune juice and watching Matlock? Nah. There’s probably an 18-year-old fresh off the bus from Iowa swimming in the Grotto right now. And as long as Hef has Viagra coursing through his veins, he will make her his new girl next door.

[Photo Credit: Getty Images]

• HUGH HEFNER'S CRUMBLING HAREM [NY Post]

How do you try and revive a career that only you want revived? Well, in Hollywood this year you can either get pregnant, or do what this C list film/B list television actress that I love to hate is going to do. Become a lesbian. Yes, you heard it here first. This actress is going to loudly dump her boyfriend and start dating a woman simply for the publicity...Instead of paying someone to be a beard for you, this actress is going to take some of her fast dwindling cash and pay someone to be her lesbian lover.

Rampant speculation, after the jump:

Out first guess was Mischa Barton, though it must be said that the same-sex angle didn't work out so well for her character on The O.C. Then our thoughts drifted to Heroes star Hayden Panettiere, but her girl-crush on Angelina Jolie is a little predictable for a starlet who's truly hoping to make sapphic waves. Could it be, then, that Gossip Girl's Blake Lively has been sharing her traveling pants with someone the same size? It's possible, but we'll throw our weight behind dark horse guess Kendra Wilkinson of The Girls Next Door. What better way to avoid typecasting as a boy-crazy bimbo than to ditch the Hef for someone more substantial...you know, like Tila Tequila!

• Today's Blind Items [Crazy Days and Nights]

For instance, this week's episode begins with the girls gathering together for an impromptu table read of the script for House Bunny, the soon-to-be-released Anna Faris vehicle. After pouring through the script, not only do they find out that their appearance is limited to a single page (Page 78, if you must know), but they also bemoan the fact that they've been reduced to bantering about such silly topics as whipped cream drenched pillow fights. Don't worry, ladies; when Brett Ratner finally decides to get onboard with the project he was born to direct, there'll be plenty of time to sleep your way into a role playing someone other than yourself (so long as it's still a Bunny).

• The Girls Next Door [E!]

Ms. Wilkinson says that when she started praising the restaurant on television and on her very popular MySpace page, it never crossed her mind what the folks at Olive Garden might think. "I don't speak about it to get paid for it," she says. "I speak about it because I love it. I understand they're a family restaurant, but I think it can't hurt them to have a little spice." ...

The San Diego native says she made frequent trips to the restaurant during her childhood, developing a taste for the artichoke dip and the all-you-can-eat salad and breadsticks. She calls it "my soul food."

"I love the Olive Garden so much because I grew up going there," she says. "That used to be the place we would go for Mother's Day, for birthdays. My grandpa just died, and right after his funeral, we went to the Olive Garden."

First of all, nice synergy by the Journal to get the "very popular MySpace" plug in there for Uncle Rupe. Well done, gang. Meanwhile, Olive Garden associates all but declined comment: "I don't feel comfortable talking about this...because it is a complicated issue for the brand," said the EVP the chain's ad agency. And why wouldn't it be? Go ahead and see how far you get marketing Kendra's limited-time-only Chicken Condolence Fettucine Alfredo. "When you're here, you're too cheap for a memorial" won't win any converts, you know.

• When You're Here, You're Family — But What About a Playboy Model? [WSJ]

• Girls of Olive Garden [Playboy]

I just wanna clear some things up for u who read the article on page six in the New York post. ITS NOT TRUE!!! hahahaa!!!! I am very happy in my life and I love Hef with all my heart.

Holly, Bridget and I are perfectly fine and there is nothing wrong!!! I do not have a contract to live here like the article said, I am here because i want to be here and cuz Hef wants me to be here. There was one thing in that article that they got right and that was the spelling of my name hahaha!!! So like i said before, don't believe every stupid article u see cuz most of them are coming from very jealous, evil people! Anyways, I love u all and i wish u all the best in 2007!!!

Maybe you should start a rumor about the Post? since that seems to be what they did to you?

Well consider the source.... it was the media! They love to mess with people's lives.

MODEST MARIAH [NYP]
page 6 article in new york post [Kendra Wilkinson MySpace]

[Photo: Getty]