OK!
Did a double issue last week so the editors could spend the holidays rereading the Twilight books, or ahem, doing some "reporting" on Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson.
Grade: Excused for religious holiday (Keeping the "Christ" in Christmas.)

Us
"Elin's Revenge"
Everyone at Us must have had visions of sugar plums dancing in their heads all week because the only new information in this story about Elin Nordegren divorcing Tiger Woods is this dud of a quote from her twin sister Josefin Nordegren: "It's been difficult because it's not something we can deal with in private... But we are doing our best." Snore. In other news, Angelina Jolie gave Jennifer Aniston a break this week and agreed to be the one who's "so lonely." Angie's sad because she has no mommy friends, but for some reason the source phrased that as "Angelina is hungry for normal moms to be around," which makes it sound like she's a mom-brain craving zombie. In "Better Without Makeup?" (image 6), we learn that 66 percent of Us readers think Lady Gaga is beautiful just the way she is. The same can not be said for Kim Kardashian. Finally, Us calls out the other tabloids for their bogus covers in "Fake News of the Year" (image 7). Too bad we already beat them to it.
Grade: F (All he wants for Christmas is his mistress.)

Life & Style
"Tiger And Elin Fight For The Kids"
This story retells Tiger Woods saga from the point of view of his two kids, Sam, 2, and Charlie, 10 months. The mag writes: "Sam and Charlie may be too young to grasp that at least 14 different women have now accused their father of cheating on their mother..." Lately Charlie's been pretty preoccupied with spitting up on himself and watching Backyardigans, so we can't argue with you there Life & Style. Ivana Trump, who has absolutely nothing to do with the Tiger Woods, tells the mag Elin Nordegren should be thankful that the kids are too young to read or watch scandal coverage. As for Elin, she's determined to divorce Tiger, even though Kultida Woods begged her not to. An insider explains, "Tiger's mom is from the old school, where women didn't leave their husbands over indiscretions and didn't take their children from their home... She tried to speak to Elin about keeping the family together, but Elin wasn't receptive at all." So Elin didn't want to turn a blind eye like a good '50s housewife? Shocking. Next: Us Weekly reported that Mickey Rourke is marrying Elena Kuletskaya in April, but they're not even dating. Were you aware that stars are just like us? Diddy is inappropriately obsessed with Jersey Shore too! He says, "I grew up with Italians when I went to school in the Bronx, so I've always been connected to Guidos. I'm saying the word in a positive sense. They're just cool and family-oriented and hilarious!" Be advised: Brad Pitt has gone 233 days without shaving (image 8). In closing, it seems Dr. Mehmet Oz knows the effect spending the holiday with the fam has on us, so he's shared this servicey little guide to curing holiday hangovers: (Image 9).
Grade: D- (Losing the deed to your platinum mine.)

In Touch
"REVENGE PREGNANCY"
For the 8,000th time this year, Angelina got pregnant to trap Brad in their loveless union. She has a "telltale bump" [of fabric] and sources say she's three months pregnant. This is putting a damper on Brad's plans to leave Angie for Jennifer Aniston. They've been hooking up secretly, yet the mag still figured out the exact time and location of their last rendez-vous: December 9 at 3:30pm on a secluded trail off of Western Canyon Road in Beverly Hills. Jen told a friend it was "like their relationship had never ended," but someone from In Touch writes: "She wouldn't reveal whether she and Brad had a romantic encounter," which is apparently how the mag is referring to sex now. Meanwhile, Angie "will do anything to keep Brad around — and that includes planning a huge celebration for Zahara's 5th birthday on January 8, knowing that he would have to attend." Why else would a mother plan a birthday party for her 5-year-old daughter? Also plotting against her man: Britney Spears. She wants Jason Trawick to propose to her for real, not just on the cover of numerous tabloids, so she's been wearing five wedding rings to give him the hint (image 10). In strangely plausible news, In Touch claims that Tiger Woods is still hooking up his mistress Rachel Uchitel (she was on the receiving end of the most romantic of Tiger's dirty texts.) Rachel recently left her New York apartment and headed to Florida. She says she's spending the holidays with relatives, but she's been spotted out and about in the Florida town where Tiger's yacht is docked. A friend says, "They have been sleeping together the entire time since the scandal broke." Check out "Before They Were Famous," a.k.a. stars' original noses (image 11). Also, this may shock you, but Lady Gaga wasn't born wearing a see-through lace body-stocking (image 12). Next: A-Rod has been purposely playing the victim in the press since his breakup with Kate Hudson, and he made sure he was photographed looking glum on the night of the New York premiere of Nine. "His behavior really calls into question how authentic he was in the relationship to begin with," says clinical psychologist Dr. Seth Meyers. Really?! In "Weight Winners and Losers of the Year," we learn that Kelly Clarkson is a "loser" because she's gained weight and "seems more comfortable in her skin now than she was during her midriff-baring days on American Idol." We'll shame you yet, Kelly!
Grade: D (Thinking of all the fellas that you haven't kissed.)

Star
"Stars Without Makeup!"
This is just 10 pages of pre-holiday filler. Without makeup Jessica Simpson "looks like a completely different person," Jennifer Garner "looks like she's neglecting herself," and Kate Gosselin has the "look of exhaustion" all over her face (image 13). We preferred Us's gallery of humiliation, which was presented in one spread without catty commentary. Moving on: Jude Law and Sienna Miller had a pregnancy scare. Jude is such a gentlemen that he allowed Sienna to pee on a stick in his home, but it was a false alarm. A source claims there is a baby on the way for Bruce Willis and his wife Emma Heming. Bruce's rep said he's not aware of a pregnancy, but didn't exactly deny it. FYI: Don't view image 14 if you're eating. Hailey Glassman is dating Celebrity Boxing Federation promoter Damon Feldman, who says, "She's been very friendly. She's very classy." The phrase "Hailey get your pants on!" comes to mind. Obvious Blind item: Which closeted male celeb drew the suspicions of his A-list costar when he was just not that into their love scenes? She'd never met a straight man with no interest in her goods! Kim Kardashian has been looking at engagement rings with Reggie Bush. Her only requirement? That it be bigger that her sister Khloe's nine carat ring. "Khloe beat Kim to the altar, but Kim will beat her with the size of the ring," says a source. Audrina Patridge told her friends that she thinks it's only a matter of time before she gets a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame and they just laughed. One of Bret Michaels' hair extensions fell out while he was recording with Miley Cyrus. She saved the grungy lock and may frame it. In other news, Britney Spears called Kevin Federline in tears to canceled a visit with her boys because Jason Trawick demanded that they spend time together. Brit was so upset that she called off their engagement, which she pushed Jason into in the first place. Tiger Woods' "No. 1 mistress" Rachel Uchitel has been telling friends that she's two weeks late. She told Tiger and an insider says it "it scared the hell out of him" because "Rachel being pregnant could actually make his nightmare a whole lot worse." Rachel has been bragging to friends, saying that she sees having a "cub" with Tiger "as her meal ticket." Jennifer Aniston is still trying to adopt a Mexican baby with Brad Pitt's' help, but Star writes, "in the meantime, she's sowing her wild oats all over Hollywood." The mag claims she's dating Sam Rockwell, Josh Groban, and Josh Hopkins of Cougar Town, who Courteney Cox brought to Jen's holiday party. A source says they exchanged numbers so later "Jen picked up the phone and asked Josh to come to her chili cook-off party." Finally, "Jersey Shore Drug Scandal!" In an interview with her local paper, Jenny "J-WOWW" Farley admits the guys on the show are "heavily into steroids... injecting whatever it could be into their system that will make them bigger and better looking." But, it's much worse than we suspected: The kids are also injecting self-tanner. J-WOWW says the girls take human growth hormone and "they inject tanner into their bodies... just like steroids, to get the perfect color skin. I've seen people go far beyond the extremes that were portrayed on the show."
Grade: D+ (There won't be snow in Africa this Christmas.)

15. Russian Glamour, June 2009
Beyoncé's skin looked digitally darkened on the cover of Russian Glamour — and the editors had a guide! A magazine called Joy used the same shot in December 2007. Was something lost in translation? Save your "black Russian" jokes until the end.

14. L'Oreal, August 2008
Beyoncé's skin seemed very light in ads for Feria haircolor. One theory: she was washed out by the strong lighting usually used in shooting hair.

13. Vogue, November 2009
The cast of Nine is chock-full of gorgeous women, but this shot is a mindscramble of random rays of sunlight in hair and dresses with edges so sharp they look like they're for paper dolls. As I wrote in October: "I'm guessing [Annie] Leibovitz shot them each separately and then did a composite, but when you have a person who doesn't cast a shadow on the lady next to her, then that person is a vampire." Poor Kate Hudson looks like she was slapped on as an afterthought.

12. Complex, April/May 2009
Kim Kardashian's waist was cinched, her thighs were slimmed, her skin skin smoothed out and her hairline was cleaned up. Plus, her head appears to be a different shape in the "after" image. Who would have thought a skull could be made "sexier"?

11. Self, September 2009
Kelly Clarkson's "Total Body Confidence" came from digitally slimming her waist and behind. Two Self editors explained that the cover: "is not, as in a news photograph, journalism. It is, however, meant to inspire women to want to be their best."

10. King Arthur poster, 2004
Movie marketers felt they must, they must, they must increase the bust. Ironically, Keira Knightley told the Guardian that she lost her chest, doing archery and preparing for the role:

To fight, convincingly, shoulder to shoulder, she had to do that thing that is so de rigueur, which is totally to change your body shape. "I was about three times the size I am now. It worried me, but it was cool, it was a body that was doing what it should do. I haven't got a clue because I don't weigh myself, but it was all muscle and I was big. My neck disappeared. My chest flattened even more. It wasn't the most feminine thing in the world, but it worked for the part, because there was strength there, and it was needed."

Of course, Hollywood can't imagine a world in which people would see a movie starring an athletic, flat-chested woman. So a digital boob job followed.

9. Redbook, July 2007
The crazy thing about the Faith Hill Redbook cover is not that it was Photoshopped — it's that this is the standard amount of digital altering that goes into a cover. Unlike some true Photoshop disasters, there are no alarming mistakes here to tip you off. That makes it easy to accept the retouched image without even blinking. Faith Hill is a beautiful woman. But she needed 11 different kinds of alterations before she could be on the cover of Redbook. What a world.

8. Campari calendar, 2008
Jessica Alba: Just another woman whose real body wasn't good enough. In this case, her waist needed to be nipped in so she could shill liquor.

7. Vogue, May 2008
RoboGwyneth looks like a robot, or an alien, depending on whom you ask. One thing is for sure: Her head and neck are not in the same space-time continuum.

6. Redbook, June 2003
Jennifer Aniston's head was placed on to Jennifer Aniston's body — from another photo shoot. At the time, her publicist, Steven Huvane, said: "It's a combination of three pictures. If you're going to do it, then at least match her head up to her body, and make the neck look like it belongs to her. I still can't figure out which exact picture the face came from." A Redbook spokeswoman downplayed the changes: "The only things that were altered in the cover photo were the color of her shirt and the length of her hair, very slightly, in order to reflect her current length."

The neck does look alarmingly unreal, and her head and waist are out of sync somehow. Angelina is surely to blame.

5.Redbook, July 2003
The month after the Aniston debacle, Redbook was at it again: According to USA Today, "[Julia's] head comes from a paparazzi shot taken at the 2002 People's Choice awards. Her body, meanwhile, is from the Notting Hill movie premiere [in 1999]." Julia's publicist, Marcy Engelman, said, at the time: "It's a shame they didn't use the body that went with the head, because it was a great Giorgio Armani pantsuit (that she wore to the People's Choice awards)."

4. Newsweek, March 2005
The editors used Martha's head and a model's body, because Ms. Stewart was still in jail when the issue was being put together. It wasn't supposed to be a photograph, anyway, it was art: "The piece that we commissioned was intended to show Martha as she would be, not necessarily as she is,'' Lynn Staley, assistant managing editor at Newsweek, told The New York Times. Staley acknowledged that the cover carried a disclaimer: ''In this case, we identified this piece as a photo illustration." As Martha would say, it's a "good thing" you did.

3. Seventeen, May 2003
Think about all the Buffy plots which could have been orchestrated around Sarah Michelle Gellar's weird wrist appendage over there on the left, if her arm actually looked like that.

2. GQ, February 2003.
Some people saw Titanic over and over again — but they never saw those legs, on the left. Kate Winslet was pissed about being trimmed down on this cover, saying:

"The retouching is excessive. I do not look like that and more importantly I don't desire to look like that. I actually have a Polaroid that the photographer gave me on the day of the shoot… I can tell you they've reduced the size of my legs by about a third. For my money it looks pretty good the way it was taken."

1. Ralph Lauren Blue Label ad, October 2009
In which model Filippa Hamilton was turned into a string of spaghetti.

Finally the kids in New Directions got a chance to compete at sectionals and it was not the rainbow covered unicorn pasture they had imagined. There were major shakeups in the group, and all of the messy secrets and relationships had their final reckoning and then...showtime! Artie loading onto the handicapped bus was just about the saddest 3 foot sojourn you ever did see, and not the triumphant razzle dazzle they imagined when everyone banded together to raise money for a bus. Wait, didn't they use that money to build a handicap ramp in the auditorium? Did Puck sell more drugs or something? Or did he win a bunch of money at fight club (Oh, never mind. Sue Sylvester donated the money for the ramp after visiting her handicapped sister)?

Their first big outing wasn't a total bust. Just look at all the great songs they got to sing.

"And I'm Telling You...": I'm sorry to all you Dreamgirls fans out there, but I am not a huge fan of this song, so maybe I was biased against Mercedes interpretation, but I wasn't that into it. However, all the kids were, so it was decided that Mercedes would sing it as the group's ballad at the competition.

Now that Will was ousted as leader during last week's Matressgate, they had to come up with a whole new set list. Of course Rachael took the lead—as she did more than once last night—and offered one of the many selections from her repertoire as the ballad. Emma, the acting Glee "coach," tells Rachel to give Mama Mercedes a chance, and she lights into this tune, much to the satisfaction of her classmates. Rachael looked like she was faking a positive reaction at the performance to hide her pain, but in the end she did the selfless thing and takes herself out of the running and lets the big belter have her moment. Mercedes was not going anywhere, and neither was Rachael. She did more for the team by stepping down than by stepping up. Finally Rachael is a big girl, and we never liked her more.

Everyone in the group loves Mercedes because she is fierce and confident and dishes all the dirt (is she going to tell everyone that Brittany and Santana are getting it on?). We thought she was being a lady by keeping Puck's secret, but it seems that her big mouth is as good for gossiping as it is for singing. Now everyone in Glee knows Puck's the father except Rachael, who figures it out with her "sixth sense." Sorry, Rachael, but as a female drama nerd, your sixth sense is called gaydar, not ESP.

Based on a hunch—and her very wiley Tay-Sachs ruse to suss out whether or not papa was a Jew—Rachel tells Finn that Puck is the father. A big fight ensues and Quinn lets out a whole bunch of tears, which wash away all her lies.

All of the sudden, everyone's telling everyone they're not going. Rachel fights for Finn, Finn fights for Quinn, Puck fights for Quinn, Finn fights Puck, and Quinn, well, she just wants to be alone. We're even more Team Quinn! after she handled her mess with class. She owns up to the mistakes she made, lets Finn walk away without lying to him, she pushes Puck away, and says she needs time and space to figure out what she's going to do. It's finally time for her to grow up and stand on her own. She also forgives Rachael for having the strength to do what she couldn't. And Rachael was honest about her motivations too. Since when are these kids so mature? It all seemed a little pat to tie up the whole "who's the babydaddy?" storyline, but it was satisfying and left enough up in the air that when the show comes back we'll still have some interesting dynamics.

Ken was also standing up for himself and trying to force Emma to love him when she announced she was pushing off their wedding for a few hours to get it "out of broad daylight" and so that she could take the kids to sectionals. He was none too thrilled, but let it happen anyway, for now.

"Don't Rain on My Parade": I know I'm asking for a gay riot after shitting on "And I'm Telling You...," but I'm not a huge fan of this Funny Girl classic either. The lyrics are awkward, the structure is strange, and I don't get why the sun is a ball of butter. Wouldn't it be really melty? Also, it seemed so obvious to have the weird Jewish girl with the big nose take on Barbra's big number. Then again, when the club is left to come up with a song on the fly, what else would Rachael fall back on? Like she said, she's had this prepared since she was four. And man, does she kill it. I'm getting a little teary just thinking about it now.

But it is strange (against the rules?) to have one girl do a whole number on her own without anyone else in the group uttering a note. That's not a show choir, that's the Rachael Berry Show. We loved it, but it wasn't what this competition is all about. And is it really a ballad? I'm not sure what else I would call it, but a gut-wrenching rouser like this doesn't scream ballad to me. Still, when she throws her arms out and introduces the "band" and our merry mass of misfits walk (and wheel) down the aisle...ugh, here come the tears again.

There was a giant storm cloud looming over the whole proceeding. Not only was Mr. Schue banned from competition, but Finn also quit the group in the wake of Quinn's big reveal. The only replacement they could find was naughty nerd Jacob (his trying to cop a feel while "comforting" Rachael on the bus was an awesome detail). Then, of course, when they arrive, they find out that the Jane Addams girls and the Haverbrook deaf kids have stolen all their numbers thanks to Sue Motherfucking Sylvester.

Surprisingly, it was Rachael who came through for the team, and for a change, it wasn't because she was trying to make herself look like a queen. She even tried to get Mercedes to sing a ballad like they agreed, but the group insisted that she take the solo. Wow, she actually tried to step to the side when center stage was offered. You grow, girl!

Will wasn't going to let dastardly delight Sue Motherfucking Sylvester ruin all the hard work he put in. SMFS was a bit less of a delight when she ran into Will in the hall at school. Not only did she list the things Will is not good at—being married, running a high school Glee club, and finding a haircut that doesn't make him look like a lesbian—but she uses every cruel tactic in the book to incite him. For a change, when she gave a little "victory" fist pump when walking away, we cringed instead of laughed.

To spite Sue and save his club, Will goes to Finn—who thanks to a blah blah blah plot device was in the school. Will sends his little alter ego to save the day with a pep talk and a new song. Ain't nothing going to get them down, and they find a way to march in their parade with umbrellas, even if some members are still a little pissed at each other.

"You Can't Always Get What You Want": Other than the silly organ version at the beginning of The Big Chill, this is the best cover of The Rolling Stones song I've ever heard, and New Directions found a way to turn it from a gospel-inflected dirge into a victory march. No wonder the crowd was up on their feet (and it seemed like a large crowd of white people considering there were only three choirs performing, one of the teams was all African-American, and none of the New Directions parents made the trip from Lima. Just who are these crazy white people going to random show choir sectional tournaments?).

This was a fitting song for Finn, seeing that he didn't get anything he wanted. His baby and Quinn were both taken away from him, even though the baby wasn't his in the first place. He doesn't even want to be the star quarterback or the Glee club hero anymore. He wants to be a normal kid, but Will thrusts the responsibility for saving the team onto him. Admirably, he steps up. Wow, his and Rachael's kids are going to be real leaders—and gay.

Thanks to Candace Dystra, fifth runner up of Miss Ohio 2006; Rod Remington, co-anchor of WOHN-TV and Sue Motherfucking Sylvester's ex-boyfriend; and Donna Landries, Ohio vice comptroller, New Directions does get what they want, the secional trophy. That means the girls from Jane Addams didn't get what they wanted, and they were big old cheaters. That has really got to sing. Eve really fucked up. Even though she tried to come clean before the final verdict was handed down, she didn't try hard enough, and McKinley High's squad was deemed the one that didn't suck the worst.

That means SMFS didn't get what she wanted either. Not only is the Glee club still around, but she got outed for being a big old cheater and deposed from the Cheerios. The way she told Principal Figgins "I beg your pardon" in about seven different inflections with different shades of meaning was amazing. That should seal up Jane Lynch's Emmy nomination right there. So, Sue will be down at her condo in Boca (of course) getting tan and she is going to come back to give Will a ride on the Sue Sylvester Express—destination: horror.

It was poor, stupid Terri who really didn't get what she wanted. When she sees Will in their house, it was a little bit sad and a lot bit awkward. She says, "I wanted so many things I know we'll never have, but it was OK because I had you." Way to turn the knife, Terri. And, sorry, we don't believe you. We believe you'd rather have a breakfast nook full of scented candles and Restoration Hardware dressers full of lilac sachets with some other dude than be all poor and married to Will. Now that they're over, are they over over or is it going to be Terri-lurking-in-the-shadows over. We kind of hope it's the later, because we need someone to hate hate, not love hate like we love hate Sue Motherfucking Sylvester.

When Will leaves he goes straight to Emma's wedding to find the ice sculpture melting and the Cheetos going stale in their bowls at the VFW Hall in Lima, Ohio, which is officially more depressing than a burnt-down Chuck E. Cheese taken over by wild dogs in Detroit. When he arrived (with a very nicely wrapped gift) he thought that he wouldn't be getting Emma, but it looks like Ken finally wised up and walked out. Though it wasn't all good news, Emma was leaving school because she couldn't face having to see both Ken and Will in the same building everyday. She doesn't want to be the rebound girl either, so when Will says that he and Terri are done, she does the smart thing and goes home alone.

But the next day, Will realizes he can't live without her, and they make out in the high school hallway like a couple of band geeks. But what happens next? Will they stay together? Will they leave school? Will Terri boil her bunny now that she is getting with her man? Damn you for leaving us, Glee! We can't get what we want, which is another episode next Wednesday.

"My Life Would Suck without You": I didn't realize how much I liked this Kelly Clarkson song until I heard it here. If it weren't for the very expected Emma/Will hookup during the number, it would have been another three-Kleenex kind of celebration, but alas. What was spectacular about the routine is that it incorporated moves from plenty of the other numbers—the "Single Ladies" ring finger, the coy "Say a Little Prayer" curtesy, the cowboy moves from "I Didn't Even Know His Last Name", and plenty of others that we had seen so far in the season. Not only was it a tribute to all the steps Will had taught the kids, but to the show itself. Seriously, Glee, our lives would suck without you.

Then we found out that Idina Menzel is about to sign as the coach of vocal adrenaline and Will's rival (and possible love interest?)! Who is Idina Menzel? Kill yourself! No, don't. Wait until April, because this is going to be more spectacular than a Sue's Corner marathon.

The Accused: The Superficial
The Crime: Calling a woman who does not meet some predetermined and subjective ideal of femininity a man and generally criticizing her looks.
The Evidence: "Here's a shot of Fergie in the Bahamas over the weekend. While I often publicly question her gender, I will admit that maybe kind of sort of Josh Duhamel doesn't entirely hate his penis after bedding this body. At least until he looks at Fergie's face, then there's lots of weeping and cursing. Mostly at God for being 'such a fucking asshole douchebag trickster to create this manner of creature. Oh, you want to go again, baby? Shit, I'm only human. Say, would you mind wearing the pillow case this time? I mean, it is my birthday. Heart you.'" Oh, you're attracted to her, so she MUST be a woman, huh? What does it matter what she looks like? And why does your opinion matter? And why are you even writing this crap? Oh, it's right there in the title, Superficial.
The Sentence: Whipworm infestation.

The Accused: TMZ
The Crime: Calling women men; mocking them in a gallery.
The Evidence: "Dude Looks Like a Lady ... Wait, That is a Lady!" Pictures of Rosie O'Donnell, Jamie Lee Curtis, Hilary Swank, Michelle Rodriguez, Kathleen Turner, Kathy Griffin and Julie Andrews. You know TMZ is owned by AOL now, you'd think they'd class up their act a little, and not publish sexist misogynistic posts in the name of humor.
The Sentence: Ringworm, which is not a worm but a fungus. Don't say you didn't learn something new today!

The Accused: WWTDD?
The Crime: Critiquing a woman's body and insinuating that she is large.
The Evidence: "The female body is not the type of thing we usually talk about here - I don't think that kind of discussion is very classy - and I don't feel scandalous or unflattering pictures of a celebrity has any place on the internet, but these pictures of Denise Richards are going up because holy shit has she gone to hell. She used to be one of the hottest pieces of ass on earth, and pictures of her tits were every young boys secret bullseye. Now she looks like she's made of donuts. You would think someone with so much gravity could stay on a surfboard that's bigger than the high school I went too, but apparently not. Maybe they can get her someones roof and she can surf on that." Really? Denise Richards has a weight problem? She's a 37-year-old mother of two. It's disgusting that men get away with writing about women like this. Oh, and look: Bally Total Fitness is a sponor of WWTDD. Great.
The Sentence: Infestation by Chinese liver fluke.

The Accused: Yeeeah
The Crime: Implying that a woman is too fat to be seen unclothed.
The Evidence: "I just really like being naked," [says] the American Idolstar. You know how that old saying goes — people who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones. Fortunately, I live in a house of 12% body fat and killer gluts, so I feel comfortable saying that Kelly Clarkson needs to steer clear of the glass market. Of course, the plastic slipcover market and anti-chafing powder-gel market can still be all hers." Wow. Hilarious. Fuck you.
The Sentence: A colony of chiggers that live under and feed on the skin.

The Accused: DListed
Reader-Submitted Crime: Menstruation-mocking.
The Evidence: "Kim Kardashian Wipes The Skank Off: I shouldn't say that. I don't think it's possible for Kim Kardashian to wipe the skank off completely. She would have to remove her skin and that's probably pretty painful. She looks alright without make-up, but I sort of love it when she looks like a tranny call girl. She's suffering from 'period face' here. And I bet that bitch's flow is heaaaaaaavy." The reader says: "I lurve Michael K, but I want to flick him in his balls for this... mostly because I think I have period face today, and I want to hide/die/poursulfuricacidonmydeskfornoreason. Maybe I'm just overreacting." You're not. If you don't menstruate, you have no right to tease those who do.
The Sentence: Bloodletting! With leeches, of course.
Same Defendant, Additional Reader-Submitted Crime: Making light of cutting a woman's clitoris.
The Evidence: She can catch flies with her coochie! Jenna Jameson showed up to Comic Con in New York on Friday looking like she slithered in from the forest. Let's cut off her clit and see if it grows back! Yeah, what clit? That shit probably got destroyed a long ass time ago." The reader says: "I'm sorry, but female genital mutilation Is.Not.Funny." Agreed.
The Sentence: Pubic lice, of course.

Besides winning Star Search 2.0's junior singing competition, Guanabee has unearthed this home video of Archuleta freezing the cast of the first season of Idol in their tracks with a showstopping rendition of Dreamgirls diva anthem "And I Am Telling You I'm Not Going." That's right: a pre-fame Kelly Clarkson, staring 7 years into the future, into the eyes of the pipsqueak prodigy frontrunner of the current Idol season. That's how the Chosen One rolls.

• David Archuleta Sings Song From "Dream Girls," Is Our Adorable Little Dream Boy [Guanabee]

Inaugural American Idol winner Kelly Clarkson's Monday night appearance with local hair metal comedy act Metal Skool seems a little too well-photographed to have been spontaneous, despite her almost convincing, "Gee whiz, I was just minding my own business here in my sweater vest and suddenly I'm on stage, chugging Chivas from the bottle, and playing the air-nipples" act, but this video of the possibly choreographed cameo is worth watching just to hear guitarist Satchel's come-on/threat of "I will fuck your skull" in the opening seconds, a line that Simon Cowell will surely appropriate for the next season of Idol. (Video possibly NSFW due to the shouting of various profanities, so be forewarned.)

• Kelly Clarkson joins Metal Skool w/ her friend Jack Daniels [YouTube]