· The Kardashians are selling their Hidden Hills home—yes, the one from Keeping Up with the Kardashians—for $3,395,000. It's steep, but it does include side-by-side toilets etched "Kris" and "Bruce" along the tanks in gold leaf.
· Bristol Palin gave birth to a "healthy 7 lb., 4 oz., baby boy" yesterday, named Tripp Easton Mitchell Johnston, or as proud dad Levi calls him, *sound of pickup truck wheels skidding out of a recently salted driveway*.
· "I'm the gardener [in our relationship]. I definitely nurture. [Tony] is the flower." If you'd like to learn more about Tony Parker's slow, Roundup-induced death at the hands of Eva Longoria, click here!
· You think you get cranky around the holidays? You're a walk in the snow compared to Batman.

I HAVE NOT EVER HAD PLASTIC SURGERY!!!

I am definitely not against it at all, but haven’t yet had it! Personally, lip injections are the thing I would never do—even if I didn’t have full lips.

I think lip injections look very fake and bad and I wouldn’t want to kiss anyone with stuff in their lips—so I wouldn’t do it to myself.

This is a picture of me when I was about 14 years old in a bikini. I hope after seeing this you guys will never ask me a plastic surgery question again! I have had a size C since I was 11 years old! So one day I will definitely get a lift, but I am waiting until after I have kids. Until then I rely on a great supportive bra! LOL!

Somehow, we doubt that Kardashian's scandalous teen picture will finally end the attention paid to her body, though it may arouse conflicted, brand-new scrutiny. Here's a tip, Kim: when that appreciative email comes from Andy Dick, don't answer it!

• I Never Had Plastic Surgery! [Kim Kardashian]

Kardashian: "I find it very odd that a man involved in a car accident would write a blog right away, instead of focusing on what's going on with the accident."
Tipster: It's not like I was standing in the intersection banging away on my sidekick - OMG, KK in person!!! - xo xo, gossip girl. And I wasn't in the accident. I stuck around to help the bleeding dude get out of this car, then I directed traffic til help got there, gave my number to the cops if they needed to call me as a witness, then continued on my run. I got back home and was so pissed off that someone would act like that, that I bitched about it to my friends on the phone. Then I sat down and bitched to the virtual friends at defamer, who I figured would share my consternation.

Much more, after the jump:

"I was driving in Reggie's black Escalade..."
Just when I thought the whole sense of entitlement thing surrounding this incident couldn't get worse, I find out that she's in Reggie Bush's car - the same Reggie Bush who is under investigation by the NCAA for accepting gifts from an agent while he was an "amateur" athlete at SC.

"...down Beverly Blvd. A Dancing With The Stars production assistant was in the car in front of me and my dance partner Mark was in the car behind me. We all had a wardrobe fitting and were going into the CBS stage lot, where our fittings are. There was an accident and an ambulance in the only drive way for the lot..."
There was no ambulance already at the scene. The ambulance was behind the tow truck, both of which had their flashers on, which was behind your dumb-ass Escalade that had pulled into the emergency lane to snake around the cars that had jammed up due to the accident.

"...however just one lane of the driveway was blocked. There were two still open to drive right into the lot. My phone rang and the production assistant from DWTS was calling to say to follow him right into the lot. We just had to drive around the wreck—the other lanes into the lot were open."
She certainly was on the phone, so this makes sense that it was the show's producers. But the security guard wasn't letting anyone past the wreck cuz there was glass everywhere. There's only 1 lane total at this gate, so I don't know how there could be 2 lanes open in addition to the car that was wrecked in the middle.

"While I was driving slow and looking at the accident..."
You were snaking around parked traffic with your cell phone. We have established this.

"I rolled my window down to see what was going on..."
Your window was closed. I remember this, because when I banged on the side of the car, all I saw was some super-dark tinted side window.

"...and a man tapped my car twice with his hand saying don't slow down, it's just an accident."
What??!!!!??? This is the batshit insane part. I was the only "man" anywhere near this accident, as I was standing in the street. While sometimes if I've been drinking, I've been known to slur, when I'm dead sober, at an accident site, I'm pretty sure "don't slow down" sounds fairly different than "are you fucking kidding me? there's been a serious accident - GET OVER" Also, omitted is the entire exchange when she told me that she knew there was an accident but not to touch her car.

"Mark yelled from behind, in his car, that we are employees and going into the lot..."
The only two cars directy behind her were a tow truck and an ambulance.

"The man said 'ok,' and then said 'that was Kim Kardashian,' as I was driving off..."
Batshit insane part two. Ignoring the reasons WHY I would say it, who the fuck would I say "that was Kim Kardashian" to? I'm the only person standing in the road! Is this to insinuate that I was so star-struck by her that I would fudge all these other details, thereby wrongfully spinning her as different than the saint she so clearly is?

"So, how this story got twisted into me being a 'spoiled brat,' yelling 'don't touch my car,' or whatever was said, is just bizarre!"
That's right. Just bizarre. In fact, I'm a spy from one of your competitors on Dancing With the Stars (oops DWTS as you referred to it). My life's goal is to disparage your character so that America votes for Cloris Leachman instead. You got me.

"There were many cars in front and behind me going into the same parking lot. It's the main entrance into this CBS lot, so it's very busy in general. Why he would single me out, I'm not to sure."
"To sure" what?

"I did look at the accident and saw the paramedics talking to the passengers in the accident..."
You didn't look at shit. After you told me not to touch your car, you snaked in front of the line of cars and gunned it through the yellow light.

"...and know how scary accidents are."
Not as scary as spinning your narcissism into some bullshit tale of victimhood.

Sadly, for a celebrity whose every utterance and sexual encounter is usually preserved for posterity, there were apparently no cameras with Kardashian at that time, so we'll simply have to reconstitute the incident from the two perspectives provided. Whatever transpired, we hope that Kardashian has learned the lesson that when a bleeding accident victim desperately needs assistance, it's best to stop and help. Not only will the ambulances be able to maneuver around your Escalade more easily, but it could even lead to a positive, leering TMZ piece entitled, "Kim K Isn't The Only One Who Got Rear-Ended!"

[Photo Credit: AP]

Boomp3.com

Even though the economy is in shambles and Texans are just starting to recover from the devastating effects of Hurricane Ike over the weekend, there is no force of nature that will keep Kim Kardashian and her family from getting out the word about her upcoming run on Dancing With The Stars. Kris Kardashian-Jenner, the selfless head of the Kardashian-Jenner clan, felt it was very important for her family to get out the message about voting. Mrs. Kardashian-Jenner said, “This is the single most important decision facing the American people right now. We have to keep my darling Kimmy on that show for the next three months. I mean, everybody loves Kim. So, it shouldn’t be a problem, but everybody needs to get out there and vote!”

[Photo Credit: Flynet]

*A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.