Ok!
"Oops, I Did It Again!"
Justin Trawick was tucking in Britney's boys when Sean blurted out, "Good night, daddy!" Britney's heart "simply melted," says a source. It was then that she realized how good a father and husband he would be! Britney wants a "real" wedding this time — the white dress and the wedding cake — but she doesn't want it to be a spectacle, says a "friend." The mag says Britney and Jason will wed on the beach in Costa Rica, Hawaii, Mexico or Australia, which really narrows it down! Brit will fly in 200 guests, including Madonna, Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan. Also, Britney is hoping "Jason can give her something else she's never had: A baby girl." Next: A source says that Jennifer Aniston will only date guys who are approved by her close friends, and she has rules: He has to be over 40, never married, no children, not a player, not a musician and not an actor. Producers are ok, as are writers and directors. But he has to be financially stable and emotionally stable. Finally: Robert Pattinson has a Christmas "surprise" for Kristen Stewart: He's planning a secret getaway to a cottage in the English countryside; then they'll spend Christmas in London with his parents.
Grade: F (stress fracture)

In Touch
"Katie Moves Out."
Katie's been telling Tom that she needs her space, but he keeps showing up to the set of The Romantics on Long Island. They had a fight in her trailer, and she said she's had it with his domineering ways and can no longer relate to his movie-star lifestyle. (?!?!) She's decided to stay in New York alone after the movie wraps. Tom was furious — they'd talked about purchasing a home in NY but Tom had never considered the idea of Katie living there alone. Katie's "embracing" their differences by shopping at the Gap instead of the designer boutiques her husband prefers — and hanging out with her parents, who don't like Tom. Two awesomely ridiculous sidebars: "Does Katie Have The Dawson's Creek Love Curse?" and "Tom's Exes Have Broken Free." (See image 7.) Moving on: "Celebrity Cellulite Wars" alleges that Rihanna and Beyoncé are "constantly pitted against each other." Now Beyoncé is "getting her revenge" because Rihanna "has embarrassing cellulite" while Beyoncé is "smooth and sexy." The copy declares: "Rihanna was spotted with lumpy thighs. It's been a rough year all around." Angelina Jolie is "ruining the holidays" by informing Brad that she plans on taking their six children to Vietnam. The accompanying caption reads, "No yams in Ho Chi Min city." Sob! Angie says she won't go to Brad's parents' house in Missouri because they don't get along. Brad's mom is "always telling Angie that the kids should be in school, and have a routine, and that they look messy." Also, when he's with his parents, Brad gets lazy — he lets them take care of the kids and "just sits around drinking beer." Brad and Angie had a fight about all this stuff, so he packed his bags and headed for the chateau in France, but as soon as he got there, Angie called and begged him to come home, "confused and trapped in a dysfunctional cycle of fighting viciously and making up, he agreed," an insider says. Next: A two-page story breaks down John Mayer's lyrics from his new album to illustrate how he's dissing Jessica and Jen. The song "Half Of My Heart" is about how John only loved Jessica with half of his heart — the part that liked her hot body! In Nicole Richie news, she has pneumonia, but hasn't been feeling great since she gave birth to Sparrow, is having a tough time handling two kids, fainted once and is too thin. "Their Real Bodies Revealed" features the freaky physical problems of the stars: Megan's "clubbed" thumbs! Denzel Washington's crooked pinky! Etc. (See image 8.) Finally, the best part of this magazine was a picture of Willow, an English terrier mix, reading My Son Marshall, My Son Eminem, a book by the rapper's mother. (See image 9.)
Grade: D- (plantar fasciitis)

Us
"Stuck On Mr. Wrong."
So basically Jennifer Aniston "can't let go" of John Mayer — there's something about him she can't resist. But John is "still in love with" Jessica Simpson. "He can't get over her — all of his friends don't get it." This despite the fact that John used to make fun of Jess — putting the phone down when she'd call and walking away while she rambled. When it comes to the ladies, John has system: "He charms them for weeks over e-mail, impresses with his intellect, and seals the deal with his prowess in bed." Jessica loved how John would educate her about music and life, and would listen like love-struck schoolgirl." Moving right along: Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes were at dinner party, when Tom turned to Katie and asked, "Where did you go to college? You went to Columbia, right?" Katie had to say: "I got into Columbia but I never went." Awkward! Ashlee Simpson spent over $20,00 on Pete Wentz's credit card and acted like it was nothing; "he's over it." Robert Pattinson has "secret demons" — Margaret thought he maybe killed a man or something, but no: "He's so unhappy," a source says. "He's grateful for the success, but it'd be great if he could just walk away from it all now. He feels completely trapped!" Lastly: Celebrities with shaggy bangs are clearly inspired by canines. (See image 10.)
Grade: D- (bunions)

Star
"48 Best And Worst Holiday Beach Bodies"
What's the difference between a regular beach body and a holiday beach body? Guess Star is hoping Americans waiting in airports and train stations this weekend want to know. There are 17 pages of male and female celebrities in swimwear. FYI: America Ferrera has "killer curves" and Jennifer Lopez has a "big red caboose." Kelly Bensimon has "patches of crepey skin" and Ryan Seacrest has a "jelly belly." Moving on: Joanna Krupa changed her implants, says a plastic surgeon who doesn't treat her (See image 11.) Taylor Lautner gave Taylor Swift a $200 sterling silver heart "commitment" ring from Tiffany. Blind item! "Which sexy celebrity chef was overheard bragging loudly about her fling with a famous singer? The crooner's known for lovin' and leavin', but she has a clueless husband. Burn!" Snoop Dogg almost didn't ring the bell at the NYSE — he slept through his alarm! Britney's kids drew all over the walls of her home, causing thousands of dollars in damage, but instead of teaching them to draw on paper, she put up plain wallpaper and let them go at it, because she wants them to explore their creativity. "Inside Jen & John's Twisted Romance" alleges that Jennifer Aniston planned her trip to Cabo for the two of them — but John Mayer never showed up. In October, she flew to NYC to visit him, only to have him ignore her calls for 3 days. "She was just waiting in her hotel room," an insider says. Then she flew home broken-hearted. "One minute he'll tell her he's not feeling in, and then the same night, he'll drunk dial her, telling her she's the love of his life. He tells her they're star-crossed lovers, and their romance is like a Greek tragedy." Who gets to poke out their eyes? Once Jen found a lacy thong in his bedroom, but John said it was hers. They argued about it, a source says, and "finally she gave up and said it might actually be hers — it's as if he has the power to brainwash her." And "After he flaked out on her in Mexico, she started emailing him photos of herself in a bikini and writing stupid stuff in the subject line, like "2 good 4 u." Next: Beyoncé and Jay-Z have been "working overtime" to conceive a child but have not had any luck, and Beyoncé is heartbroken. Shauna Sand says Chace Crawford was her "teen lover." She's 14 years older and says four years ago when he was 18, they had a "steamy, sex-filled romance." He was a virgin when they met and the first night he came over, she checked his ID to make sure he was really 18. When they first started hooking up, she had to show him a thing or two, but by the end, they were having "wild" sex with whipped cream and so on. Is Tiger Woods cheating on his wife with someone named Rachel Uchitel? They met in May and have been sexting. Allegedly. Teresa Guidice from RHONJ was filming a guest spot on Mercy and could barely remember her lines and kept cursing. When someone asked if she was the housewife who flipped a table, she said: "Don't effing bring that up." Carey Mulligan's best friend Keira Knightley has become a "La Beouf-blocker." Carey told Shia that Keira warned her that he's a player, which enraged Shia, because he's really genuine. Finally: Nicole Richie is in talks to star with Joel Madden on an at-home talk show where Nicole's famous friends pop by to be interviewed by the couple. She's turned down roles because she doesn't want to be away from her kids, but this way, she'd work from home.
Grade: D (corns)

Life & Style
"It's On!"
The editors of this magazine got a draft of the script for The Tourist, a new flick that Angelina Jolie and Johnny Depp have signed on for. And there are sexy scenes! For instance: "The outline of her naked body is visible in the shower," the script teases. "Frank walks to the shower and opens the glass door. Walking in, he lifts Kara against the glass, clutching at her slithery body, kissing her frantically. She kisses him back with ardor, wrapping her dripping legs around his back." Since Angie has hooked up with costars before (Jenny Shimuzu, Jonny Lee Miller, Billy Bob Thornton, maybe Colin Farrell, definitely Brad Pitt), and they're both Geminis, it is clear that they MUST fuck while filming. There's a great sidebar about how Angie and Johnny have so much in common: They both love France! Their kids love Pirates! (See .) Next: Janet Jackson has talked to ABC's Robin Roberts why she gained 60 lbs: "There are people that — if there's something that's stressful, whatever it may be, they don't eat. I'm the opposite." She discusses this in her upcoming book True You, which will be released in 2010. She told Robin: "It was originally about weight loss, but I wanted it to be more about my triggers. [My emotional eating] started when I was very little. My brothers were gone on tour a lot, and I would miss them so much. I wish I had a book like this when I was that young." Moving on, Lindsay Lohan is in counseling. She goes two or three times a week, and it's not a program or substance abuse thing, or a police officer watching her. It's someone to talk to in a confidential setting. A friend says: "Her problems are all about Daddy. If Lindsay had a stable dad, none of this would be happening." And this is an actual sentence in the magazine:

"Is seeing a therapist twice a week enough? All I can say is maybe," says Marc F. Kern, an addiction specialist in Beverly Hills who doesn't treat Lindsay.

In a sidebar, we learn that Lindsay posed for pictures for an upcoming issue of the French magazine Purple in which she's topless and simulating a threesome with a male model and a female model — the guy is lying on top of her. Is it a ploy to make Sam Ronson jealous? America's Next Top Model Nicole Fox says: "If there is any opportunity for me to model — I'll take the job." Lastly: Check out these weird courtroom sketches of Nicole RIchie, Amy Winehouse and Paris Hilton. (See image 13.)
Grade: D+ (callouses)

From In Touch

From In Touch

From In Touch

From Us

From Star

From Life & Style

From Life & Style

Earlier: Oprah's Favorite Things 2007: The Audience Freaks Out!

• Having his tawdry personal life ripped wide open for the world to see isn't doing David Letterman any harm ratings-wise. The Hollywood Reporter writes, "Far from hurting the host's popularity, the sex-and-extortion headlines seemingly have had little impact on his late-night show and possibly even helped the series grow its viewership compared with last year." Season to date, The Late Show is up four percent in viewership, compared to its main competitor NBC's Conan O'Brien who has taken just a tiny 47 percent drop this season compared to Leno's performance in the slot last year. [Hollywood Reporter]

• In the end, Michael Jackson came through. After a back and forth over the past two weeks over whether the hype machine was properly calibrated to the public level of enthusiasm for the rehearsal documentary, This Is It earned a decent $21 million at the US box, although this morning's write-ups focus on the more impressive sounding world tally of $101 million, ample to earn Sony back its $60 purchase price. (Which is odd in that Monday morning box office write-ups almost never mention international grosses, generally taking the US box office as the whole magilla.) The consensus view seems to focus now on the stat that This will become the highest grossing concert film in history. Which is not quite the "Biggest Movie of All Time Ever In History" the media seemed to be heralding a week ago, but still nothing to sneeze at. [Box Office Mojo]

• Elsewhere at the box office, Paranormal Activity continued its run, taking the number two slot and bringing its total domestic haul to $84 million. Saw 6 fell off 60 percent from its already unimpressive opening weekend numbers giving faint hope that the series' day may be drawing to a close (but don't count on it.) [Variety]

• The NBC/Universal drama is on the brink of resolution. Comcast is said to have reached a tentative agreement to buy the studio and network, with an announcement expected at any time. [NY Times]

• Katie Holmes will star in and earn her first producing credit for The Romantics, a film about eight college friends who reunite for a wedding also starring Anna Paquin, Elijah Wood and Malin Ackerman. [Variety]

We don't know! We asked our tipster and he said he couldn't see since he pulled up so close to snap the pic but added, "I have a feeling she's controlling the driver with her mind." Ha!

So, who knows what clear is riding around Tinsel Town in a metallic vehicle? Has Tom Cruise bought his extraterrestrial child her own Lexus hardtop convertible already? Or does automaton bride Katie Holmes have the help ferry Miss Suri around town in it when she thinks she can dance? Maybe a fellow cultist fan who wants to get in good with the boss? The ghost of L. Ron Hubbard?! If one of you out there has the answer, leave us a comment or send us an email.

The prestigious institution, called Clone High New Village Academy, was founded (most likely as some sort of assets-hiding tax dodge) by is-he-or-isn't-he Scientologist Will Smith. It teaches children "study technology" (as in: "Open the plate in your chest. Study the technology that makes you function as a normal Earth human") and promotes a rigorous diet of low-carb, low-sodium and low-sugar organic food.

For her part, poor terrified Holmes has been completing an initial toxin cleansing phase in the lead up to her second Impregnating, to be processed once she is done filming her movie The Extra Man in her beloved New York City.

So both Suri and Katie hurtle toward the next level of Scientological horrors and mysteries, one sadly and innocently unaware, the other searching in vain for the shatters of the soul she sold lo those four or so years ago for a shot at a movie career. When reached for questioning, Cruise said that yes, yes he's thrilled about all this news but please don't hug him while his new exoskeleton is still so new and sensitive.

[Daily Mail]

Image via Getty

MisterHippity's new line beats the original, "Wait Now I Can't Remember. Was She 'Ginger', Or Was She 'Sexy'?"

Ok!
"The Truth About which Stars Are Really Pregnant"
The mag claims that Angelina Jolie has been taking prenatal vitamins and trying to cut out junk food, so clearly she is trying to get pregnant. And! Angie and Brad are adopting an African orphan from an unspecified country. Katie Holmes is knocked up, and has told close friends, but is waiting until she is farther along to make an announcement. Yet there are "signals" that she is pregnant, for instance: she "looked happy" at the Japanese Valkyrie premiere, had hair extensions and her face looked fuller. Also, she had a slice of cheese pizza with Suri last week. As for Jennifer Aniston — she and John Mayer have split for now, but "that's not dashing her baby dreams." According to a 2005 article, she said "I never said I didn't want to have children. I did and I do and I will." Seriously, this quote qualified her to be a part of this cover story. Lastly, "Don't believe rumors that Prince William and Kate Middleton are engaged." Since the Prince just started Royal Airforce training, there's no way a royal wedding could be planned.
Grade: F (fetal pig)

Life & Style
"Twilight's Hot Hookups: Back On!"
This story has lots of pictures, no hookups. Although Kristen Stewart does say: "The chemistry between artists is difficult to define. But in my case, when I looked at Robert, it was like I could look into his heart. And he could do the same to me. And that's very important." Which seems like an old quote, no? Plus there's a pixelated image of Pattinson's GQ cover. Moving on: The story called "Jen and John: It's Over!" seems to be based solely on deconstructing John Mayer's Twitters. For instance, the one which says: "There is nothing better in this world than the act of falling asleep while playing the guitar perched on your chest. Amp off. G'night" clearly means that he "just wasn't that into" Jennifer Aniston. Next, Nicole Scherzinger claims that performing helped her shed pounds, but there is literally no difference between the "before" and "after" pictures: She is freaking thin in both (Fig 1). A spread called "Everyone's Affected By The Recession" mentions that Alex McCord from Real Housewives lost her job; Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan and Victoria Beckham each wore the same dress twice and Kevin Bacon flew coach. Lastly, there are six pages of "Wedding Gowns With Personality," which are actually just white designer dresses, if you're into that.
Grade: F+ (frog)

In Touch
"How She Lost 10 Lbs In 2 Weeks"
Dr. Fred Pescatore, author of The Hamptons Diet, who does not treat Jessica Simpson, says: "Her stomach and legs look much thinner." The mag claims this is due to making "smart choices" in the last two weeks when it comes to diet and exercise. At no point to they quote Jessica or anyone currently helping her, though they do talk to her trainer from the 2005 film Dukes Of Hazzard and a person who attended her concert on March 13, who says, "Her legs looked a lot thinner and more toned." Moving on: Is Mandy Moore knocked up? A source says she wed Ryan Adams in a "shotgun" wedding because she is pregnant, although it is very early on. (Mandy's rep says she is not pregnant.) Next: Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes spent an estimated $50,000 for their appearance at the Japanese Valkyrie premiere. That includes $30,000 on dental veneers; $3,000 hair extensions; $1,500 on makeup — for Tom — and $10,000 on spa treatments for Katie. Also inside. An insider tells the mag "Britney is still very self-conscious about her body and appearance." This is illustrated with six pictures of Brit in a bikini with captions critiquing her physique. A celebrity trainer and nutritionist, Jay Cardiello, who does not work with Britney, says things like, "She looks out of shape, bloated, and about 150 lbs." A story titled "Robert Thinks He's Ugly" is based on DVD commentary from Twilight star Robert Pattinson, who apparently says things like, "Sometimes I think I look as if I've had facial reconstructive surgery. After burns or something. My whole head looks like it's had a face lift. A really bad one!" He also says he has a "butt chin." There's more, but you get the point. "How Brad Came Between John & Jen" says that "Jen spent most of the evening talking about Brad. It got on John's nerves. He said it was bordering on obsessive." Plus, on Oscar night, John pulled a photographer and said, "Get ready, I'm about to pay for your kids' college." Then he pulled and unsuspecting Jen over and started hamming it up for the cameras, kissing her on the temple and stuff. Don't you want to throw up all over him? The best spread in this issue is "Inspired by C3P0" (Fig. 2). With the sidebar, "Copying Chewbacca Can Get A Little Hairy." Lastly, in an interview with Julia Roberts, she says, "People get wildly famous, and they get incredibly slim. It never happened to me, not matter how hard I tried."
Grade: D- (fish)

Star
"$10 Million Tell-All"
John Mayer has been telling friends that he is thinking of going public with all of Jennifer Aniston's juicy secrets. A pal says: He's been keeping notes in his daily journal since the moment they met, and he knows he could make millions of dollars. For instance: Jen called John Brad in bed, which freaked John out, and he told her, "I can't compete with the sexiest man alive." Jen does yoga or Pilates for four hours a day and John thinks she is obsessed with exercising. She likes to watch hours and hours of reality TV, which isn't really a "juicy" secret. Jen is really aggressive in bed and likes to do role-playing stuff. She dressed up for him a few times and agreed to have sex in unconventional places once or twice. John has lots of pictures of Jen in Mexico smoking and drinking — "and she doesn't look like the girl next door." And: John told friends he liked to photograph Jen while she was sleeping. A source says she was wearing next-to-nothing, had no makeup on, and her hair was a wreck — not the kind of thing she would want to get out. Moving on: "Knifestyles Of The Rich& Famous" Details Gwyneth Paltrow's nose job (Fig. 3). Did she also used to have brown eyes? Anyway, a doctor who doesn't treat her thinks some cartilage was removed. When it's subtle, you know it was a good surgeon! An insider says Prince William "popped the question" to Kate Middleton during a romantic getaway. Blind item: "Which rehab grad has given up trying to hide her off-the-wagon status? She knocked back vodka at LA's Bardot and a few days later followed her partying with a drive." Kristen Stewart is sick and tired of all the attention Robert Pattinson gets: "Except for filming together and mandatory work functions, Kristen refuses to be in the same room with Rob." Katie Holmes must be pregnant, because at the Japanese premiere of Valkyrie she had hair extensions, she was glowing and she wore a loose dress that "accented a slight bulge in her belly." Plus: "At one point," an insider tells Star, "she glanced at her stomach and smiled shyly." Oh dear: "Rihanna & Chris Sex Tapes!" Exclamation point the mag's, not ours. An insider says: "They've had tons of crazy nights in bed, and Chris has recorded many of them." Apparently Rihanna likes dressing up as a dominatrix, and role-playing. Next, Nicole Richie is telling friends she is having twins and hoping that they are boys. In a reversal, there's a piece called "Incredible Shrinking Dudes," with Benji Madden, Vince Vaughn, Seth Rogen and Josh Gracin — usually the mag picks on the ladies' bodies! Lastly: "Step Stars: They're not bio babies, but these celebs treat their partners' kids like their very own flesh and blood. All together now: Aww!"
Grade: C- (earthworm)

Us
"Caught In An Affair."
In an amazing feat of reporting, the mag has security cam stills of LeAnn Rimes and Eddie Cibrian making out over dinner. Cibrian you may know from Third Watch, or as a guest star on Dirty Sexy Money, Samantha Who, or Ugly Betty. A restaurant staffer says: "I saw them holding hands across the table during the entire meal, laughing and kissing. They kept blowing out the candle on the table and making out over it." Cibrian is married to a model and has two kids; they were wed in 2001. Rimes was married in 2002 at the age of 19. The two met on the set of a cable movie Northern Lights. There are also pictures of Rimes driving to a hotel, having a friend go in and book a room. The friend comes out and gives her the key; then she goes inside. Cibrian shows up; then he leaves four hours later. A friend says Rimes and her husband are "more like best friends. You don't feel any sexual heat." And! Rimes was seen carrying a book titled For Better Or For Worse: Divorce Reconsidered. Moving on: Britney rejected a $3 million dollar book deal. She "summoned" publishing honchos to discuss writing her autobiography, but was "unkempt" and "out of it" at the meetings and turned the offers down because she was hoping for $8 million, like Hillary Clinton got. The Jen/John split story in this mag is kind of Choose Your Own Adventure-ish; they supply various reasons, you pick whichever you like: "It was amicable, they both wanted different things." or: "John does want to get married and have kid, just not right now" or: "It never seemed that serious. I think she liked dating a younger guy" or "Her friends suspected he was using her for press" or: "The whole thing is a publicity stunt they're both in on" or: "She's always either all the way hot or all the way cold. But that doesn't mean it won't be on again tomorrow."
Grade: C (owl pellet)

Fig. 1

Fig. 2

Fig. 3

The line-cutting happened at last year's Met Costume Institute Ball, and the bitter memory is still fresh in supermodel Moss's mind. She relived the trauma at the end of a lengthy interview in this week's New York:

And the thing is, we stood in line for an hour or something to say hello to the meet and greet in the receiving line. Donatella is in front of us, and Francesco Clemente was behind us with his wife, who I knew from back in the day. And we're going, I can't believe this. You can't smoke. You can't have a drink.
When we got to the receiving line, this lady came up and said, "We're sorry, they've all gone to their tables." We were like, What? Tom and Katie just walked right up to the front, and we were like, Who the fuck are they? They're not even in fashion!

Who the fuck are they, indeed.

Moss will have everyone know she was personally invited to host this year's ball by Anna Wintour and Marc Jacobs, so she won't have to worry about missing out on the meet-n-greet, thanks to Hollywood carpetbaggers or whatever.

But let this be a lesson to all you movie industry A-listers during Fashion Week: You can spend your celebrity cachet in the fashion world, but the conversation costs will probably come back to bite you.

[via Digital Spy]

• Pregnant rapper M. I. A. did such a good job at the Grammys that Oscars show producers say they're desperate to book the overdue fresh-minted mom to perform "O Saya" from the excellent Slumdog Millionaire soundtrack. "We are happy to bring some sort of fabulous bed on stage if that means M.I.A. can be there." (UPDATE: Oh right, she finally had the kid. Sorry for calling you "twisted," Oscars producers!)
• To protect his reputation, Michael Phelps is hanging out in strip clubs. He figures no one can take his picture there. [Page Six]
• Justin Timberlake didn't literally beat away the models with a stick at Fashion Week, but it sounds like it almost came to that. Apparently it wasn't enough that he was making out furiously with Jessica Biel. Models can be dense. [Gatecrasher]
• Angelina Jolie might move to Manhattan. She was looking at a place in Washington Heights. They might already be remodeling the building for her. [Us]
• Jennifer Aniston might run into Jolie at the Oscars. Scientists have various theories on what will happen in the collision, and warn there's no way of knowing anything for certain in advance of the actual event. Goggles, as always, are recommended for onlookers. [OK!]
• Sarah Jessica Parker thinks the next Sex And The City movie will need to be "recession-friendly." Which sounds so implausible it gives us hope the recession might finally kill off the franchise, forever. [Us]
• MC Hammer finally got his own reality show, focusing on his life as a "new-age dad" in Oakland. A&E picked it up. [Hollywood Reporter]
• Guy Ritchie is pissed because he has to re-shoot various Sherlock Holmes scenes, because he was distracted by his divorce from Madonna. As though we all weren't distracted by his divorce from Madonna. [Sun]
• Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are suddenly not going to the Oscars, for some reason. Maybe so they can get some press when they do go to the Oscars. [OK!]

Sent a complimentary order of caipirinhas and empadas, Cruise politely refused his waiter, saying, "No, thank you. We're absolutely stuffed on vitamins," before requested two glasses of sparkling water so that he and similarly trimmed Kate Holmes could ingest their Purification-Pak dinners. [People]

Or perhaps it's only accidental. Either way, we hope this doesn't fracture Posh's fragile peace with the Cruise family — at least not so close to David Beckham getting his free basketball court out of the deal. Make up, kids. Like, figuratively this time.

• Spot the Difference [Holy Moly]

"There's a misperception about me that I just became this wallflower, this woman who doesn't have any control of her life. And that's pretty wrong. From the very beginning, I've made choices in my life that have been very strong."

"When I met Tom I was completely in love and, yes, I admired him growing up – he's Tom Cruise! … When I met him, he was so warm and I thought, Wow! You can be a superstar and a human being. He made me feel so amazing."

Who could ever assume that Katie Holmes had lost control of her life just because she's only been let out to make one film since meeting Cruise, who has long insisted on calling her by the completely different name "Kate"? Perhaps this well-timed set of interviews was no coincidence; after all, the magazine is dubbing the piece "Reinvention," and all around us today, Hollywood is being reinvented in the most soul-rendering fashion possible. Los Angeles, meet your new king and queen. All samurai swords will be confiscated.

• Katie Holmes: I'm No Wallflower [People]

• Tom Cruise: I Bought Katie Engagement Ring After First Date [Us]

Suri Cruise in Out of This World
The daughter of Tom Cruise, Katie Holmes, and a strange whirring machine kept in a corner of Tom's basement is but a mere babe right now. But in a few years, the curious patent leather-shoed Victorian tyke could be ready for showbiz. We see her going one of two ways. Either she stars as the spunky yet earthy and wise younger sister to the next tween sensation on a Disney Channel sitcom called Zaidee Zenkman's Zany Zoo or some crap. But more likely, she'll do a remake of Out of This World, a 1980's teen sitcom about a girl named Evie whose father is an alien who lives in a magic crystal pyramid she keeps in her bedroom. She can freeze time and shit. So it would be a reality series.

Lourdes Leon in Way Upper West Side Story
Lourdes is the daughter of a personal trainer named Carlos and a pop singer named Madonna. She's 12 years old and is becoming something of a fashion plate. So it would make sense if she, like her moms, dabbled a bit in filmmaking. Her big remake opportunity comes (everyone's gotta do a remake!) when she's asked, at age 16, to star in Way Upper West Side Story. She plays barrio princess Maria in this Latin and hip-hop infused update of the famous musical. Like current Broadway hit In The Heights, it's set in Manhattan's Washington Heights neighborhood. The story is tragic as, in the end, she loses her one true love, the Upper West Side Jewish boy Tony Arnstein (played by Harvey Weinstein's kid). It's a huge Step Up 2: The Streets-style hit. She becomes a multi-culti music sensation, her mama is proud.

James Wilke Broderick in Were The World Mine
The son of actor Matthew Broderick and the Secretariat of lady business movies and TV, Sarah Jessica Parker, James will enter showbiz against his parents wishes. He'll mostly have small roles in TV shows at first, playing the shaggy and insecure friends of various tween girl stars. Does he have a crush on them? Will they ever date? Who's going to make the first move? The answer will come when, some day down the road, he stars in a remake of this movie. Then, amid a flurry of glitter, everyone will know. He'll end up quitting the biz, opening a restaurant in Hell's Kitchen with his roommate Gideon and spending most of his time out in Montauk, in his flower garden or on the phone with his "Mother dear."

Brooklyn Beckham in Ya Fucked, a Peter Pan "Update"
The eldest son of bedazzled pop singer and fashion designer Victoria and, well, equally bedazzled futbol player David, Brooklyn is as close to royalty as it gets in England (oh... wait.) When he hits 15, coming out of a painful awkward phase and blossoming into his genes-given good looks, he'll decide to take on a ludicrous white-boy rapping career. This will be like seven years in the future, so rapping will mostly involve computers and the sound of cash registers blinging. He'll follow that up with a couple action movies, eventually doing a Guy Ritchie-directed techno funk remake of Peter Pan simply and oddly titled Ya Fucked. It will perform poorly and be the running joke of the industry for about two years or so. After that embarrassment, he'll quit showbiz to go to Cambridge, where he'll excel at art history, eventually taking a teaching post at New Castle and living a quiet life. Until, inevitably every year, one of his students finds an old copy of Ya Fucked and makes him play it in class.

Shiloh Jolie-Pitt in Sweet Valley High School Musical
Shiloh, Brad and Angie's first biological child, will go heavy into showbiz. She'll get her own Nickelodeon sitcom at age 12 called Nipsy Nugget's Nine Nannies about a rich girl with a series of wacky nannies. At age 14 she'll release her debut album, called No More Secretz, featuring such confessional tracks as "U Didn't Kno Bout My Celly" and "Better Luck Text Time." Then will come her most infamous role, playing both Elizabeth and Jessica Wakefield in a short-lived TV series called Sweet Valley High School Musical. By age 23 she'll have blown through her Nipsy money, and will be reeling from the relative failure of her two follow-up albums, What U Need From Me? and The Great Connecticut Sousaphone Experiment. After a mild meth problem, mama Angie will swoop in and save the day. At 30, Shiloh will release a searing memoir called Til Smith Do Us Part and will land a supporting role in the remake of the remake of 90210 as a sassy, if world-weary, English teacher.

There are so many more Jolie-Pitts to consider! Let's do a list! (A listicle WITHIN a listicle! Pareene's head just exploded)

• Maddox: This was the first one, right? Angelina Jolie adopted him from Cambodia before she married hooked up with actor Brad Pitt. He'll end up being kind of alterna and will go to Reed in Oregon. He won't do much showbiz, except for directing a few weirdo, trippy skateboarding shorts
• Zahara and Pax: Jolie's two other adopted chillens, they'll both attend Northwestern and graduate with honors. Zahara will become a scholar of feminist theatre, writing her dissertation on Suzan Lori-Parks. Pax and his life partner Ethan will move to Ethan's native Calgary, Alberta where Pax will work as a high school administrator and part-time saxophonist in a local jazz band.
• Vivienne and Knox: In the summer of 2024, the twins, vacationing in Borneo, will hop into a hot air balloon and float away, never to be seen again. Some people will claim to have spotted them doing drag performances of Gypsy at the Guthrie in Minneapolis under assumed names, but those reports will mostly be dismissed as rumor.

[Photo credit: WENN via Hollyscoop]

No one was anticipating miracles from the Schoenfeld Theater, where Holmes joined John Lithgow, Patrick Wilson and Dianne Wiest for the premiere of Arthur Miller's 1947 breakthrough All My Sons. So no one seemed disappointed that they didn't get them: Despite his best, unfailingly self-promotional intentions, Fox's Roger Friedman dampened expectations earlier this week, and the word so far from New York's more authoritative drama critics took care to treat Holmes as just another distinguished board-treader:

· "The very different leading actresses — the stage veteran Ms. Wiest and the neophyte Ms. Holmes, in her Broadway debut — are sad casualties of [director Simon] McBurney’s high-concept approach. [...] Ms. Holmes delivers most of her lines with meaningful asperity, italicizing every word. This Ann is straight from the school of the Erinyes (those avenging furies from Greek mythology), and I didn’t believe for a second that she really loved the honorable, naïve Chris." — Ben Brantley, The NY Times

· "A starry cast has been assembled to yell their lungs out, including the distinguished John Lithgow and, in her Broadway debut, Katie Holmes, known in her (less than) private life as Mrs. Tom Cruise. [...] Lithgow starts in a sunny, benign fashion, but eventually finds himself screeching alongside Holmes, looking tough under a glossy wig, and the all-American Wilson." — Clive Barnes, NY Post

· "Holmes, a TV and film vet, makes a fine Broadway debut. Her rather grand speech pattern takes getting used to, but she seems comfortable and adds a fitting glint of glamour. Dancing with Lithgow, kissing Wilson, she makes you forget about her being Mrs. Tom Cruise. At times, however, Holmes is strangely shrill." — Joe Dziemianowicz, NY Daily News

Meanwhile, Miller's daughter Rebecca praised Holmes (sort of) on the red carpet preceding the performance, and the camera-toting folks who schlepped in from New Jersey and elsewhere left without their coveted Tom and Suri Cruise sightings (both were reportedly no-shows, but his blurb-tossing mother dropped in for the hell of it). They did get a glimpse at Anonymous's scathing review of Holmes's offstage performance, however, as more than 30 cops kept watch over a masked crowd barking "Scientology Kills" and waving "Run Katie Run" signs outside the Schoenfeld.

And run Katie did — straight into the fluffy, waiting arms of People, whose probing inquiry following the show revealed that Suri has her own dressing room "transformed into a playroom." A diva in the making! Somewhere in the distant cosmos, we know Arthur Miller positively sobs with pride.

[Photos: AP]

Boomp3.com

Making her way to work, Katie Holmes was questioned by a group of local children if Holmes’ daughter, Suri, was available that afternoon. Holmes said that her daughter was off cruising the various solar systems in a brand new shiny space ship. The children told Holmes that she didn’t have to lie about her daughter taking a nap. Holmes nervously laughed for a moment and said, “Yeah, right. She’s taking a nap. She’s just probably dreaming about adventures in a galaxy not that far away or electric sheep.”

[Photo Credit: INF Daily]

*A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

Yes, there are some differences: for instance, Holmes has a longer bob, and her eyebrows are markedly more masculine. Then again, it isn't really fair to evaluate the similarity unless we give Quinto a crack at Holmes's signature accessory:

Uncanny! With those enormous sunglasses, Quinto-as-Spock is a dead ringer for our favorite boyfriend jeans lover (someone check his knees to see how far the resemblance goes). Something tells us that the inevitable Star Trek sequel will involve a search for Xenu — if so, beam us on up!

• Star Trek Covers Entertainment Weekly [JustJared]

Never mind that Friedman writes in detail about the "recently discovered" Patrick Wilson, who has been an awards-hopeful leading man for the last two Oscar seasons. Katie is the story here, however buried, and however non-committal:

When I met her in April 2005, she told me she wanted to do plays. Then she met Cruise, and all of that was over. Three and a half years later, she gets her chance, at last. She isn’t bad. She’s up against some real pros, and she holds her own. Like most movie and TV actors, her voice and projection need work. But she knows her lines, appears to understand the character and does not embarrass herself at all. Given the pressures involved, that’s a lot. [...] The main thing is, Katie Holmes is in most of the play, and is working damn hard. She doesn’t need anyone to "save" her.

So back off, Anonymous! Those Broadway thetans will be exorcised just fine by Thursday; we'll have a full review round-up later in the week.

• Katie Holmes: First Broadway Report [Fox News]

Though we're excited for Holmes's return to television, our thoughts, as ever, turn to her husband Tom Cruise. Will he celebrate the Eli Stone premiere by driving his motorcycle into each and every Nielsen-equipped home, or will he force Holmes to run three consecutive marathons, then change into a stunning evening gown and heels for the first TiVo'd airing at Gold Base?

• VIDEO: Watch Katie Holmes Perform a Sexy Song-and-Dance Number! [Us]

MEN

1. Dana Carvey, 3:04:21 (Ocean to Bay Marathon, 1972) — Carvey is the only hint this marathon ever existed, though with photographic evidence scarce, we reluctantly place him at the top of the list of the World's Fastest Celeb Marathoner.

2. Björn Ulvaeus, 3:23:54 (Stockholm Marathon, 1980) — The ABBA co-founder also engineered a revolutionary antecedent to the Walkman and iPod, trademarking the waist-cinching Phonostrap to blast LP's on his high-energy training runs.

3. William Baldwin, 3:24:29 (New York City Marathon, 1992) — Before Alec divorced Kim Basinger, he was the only Baldwin brother to finish a marathon.

4. George W. Bush, 3:44:52 (Houston Marathon, 1993) — In an eerie harbinger of things to come, finished in 158th place but was declared the winner anyway.

5. Will Ferrell, 3:56:12 (Boston Marathon, 2003) — Trained naked, obviously, but ran the marathon in full Alex Trebex regalia (see above).

WOMEN

1. Kim Alexis, 3:52:00 (New York City Marathon, 1992) — Would likely have broken 3:40 if not for the mid-race "stretch break" with Baldwin.

2. Oprah Winfrey, 4:29:20 (Marine Corps Marathon, 1994) — Wanted to get in shape for her internationally televised Oscar humiliation by David Letterman less than four months later.

3. Lisa Ling, 4:34:18 (Boston Marathon, 2002) — Cost her View co-host and compulsive marathon-better Barbara Walters $1,200 when she couldn't finish under 4:30.

4. Katie Holmes, 5:29:58 (New York City Marathon, 2007) — If she finished at all. We're not so sure.

5. Ali Landry, 5:41:41 (Boston Marathon, 2002) — The former Miss USA vowed to finish the marathon if it was the last thing she ever did. And with the exception of her short-lived series on the WB, it pretty much was.

• Why I'm Running the NYC Marathon [HuffPo]

• List of Marathoners [Wikipedia]