Today Condoleezza Rice signed a three-book deal worth $2.5 million. Okay, maybe a bit more than you want to hear from Condi, but she was Secretary of State and all that, and presumably saw George Bush drunk and naked dozens of times, so she could conceivably sell a few books.

Earlier this month, Diane Keaton got a book deal reported to be worth more than $2 million. Does she have that many fans, really? I don't know, I doubt it, but maybe, who knows? She was in some good movies!

But this?

The comedian Kathy Griffin is writing a memoir, and according to three sources with knowledge of the deal, her literary agent at Endeavor, former Dutton editor-in-chief Trena Keating, sold it at auction last week to an editor at Random House's Ballantine imprint for more than $2 million.

Unless this is titled "Knocking the Dicks Out of My Mouth: 100 Celebrities I Have Slept With Who Would Do Anything For That Fact to Remain Secret," by Kathy Griffin, we fear that the book industry may be losing its grip on reality. [NYO]

We did make sure to tune in for a few minutes of CNN's unlikely Times Square correspondent team, with Anderson Cooper once again playing glass-closeted Dean Martin to Kathy Griffin's fag-hag Jerry Lewis. They seemed to be having a gay old time in the sub-zero temperatures—in the few minutes we caught leading up to the ball-drop, Kathy was pledging to pull Anderson's pants down at the stroke of midnight, and her scandalized partner was giggling with delight. Yup, it all seemed under control.

Apparently we missed the money-shot, however, which involved Griffin shouting back to an off-camera heckler, "You know, I don't go to your job and knock the dicks out of your mouth!" as the show cut to commercial. Will this remark hasten the end of the Cooper & Griffin comedy era? Probably, but we hope not. In fact, they'd be smart to dump the atrociously unfunny D.L. Hughley Breaks the News, and give these two the slot—maybe promoted ad nauseam with the tagline, "The Best Heckler-Shaming Team on Television."

For contrast, we flipped channels between that and ABC to watch Dick Clark's final Rockin' Eve address. Getting old sucks. Happy 2009, Dick. You're a legend, and as far as we're concerned you should be able to ring in the New Year as long as you want to, even if you're just a brain suspended in a ball jar with an LED crawl underneath relaying your wishes that we have "the rockingest 2047 ever!"

When we spoke to Griffin, she had just left Los Angeles (where she'd eaten Christmas Eve dinner at Cher's house) and had flown to New York to co-host CNN's New Year's Eve coverage with Anderson Cooper. Did she see the Coop's notorious 60 Minutes interview with Michael Phelps, we asked? "Of course I did! Who didn't? Even my mom was titillated."

So Kathy, a lot has happened since Defamer last spoke to you, both for your career, and for the world.

Oh yeah! I don't know if you came to any of my Kodak shows last week, but I had the most unusual, weird, wonderful combo of people come backstage. I wasn't doing any meet-and-greets because usually it's just a bunch of agents who don't really know me, so I had a "no meet-and-greet" policy. But every night I would hear that little walkie-talkie: "Dave Grohl wants to say hi." So that was extremely exciting, I got to meet him. And then the next night was really good because we had the unusual combo of T.R. Knight and Dave Chappelle.

Did they come backstage at the same time?

Yeah, both at the same time! So that was a great moment and I wish there'd been some 360 flipcam action going on. T.R. was really sweet and I was dying to ask him about Grey's Anatomy, but Chappelle kinda cockblocked me. Chappelle had no idea who T.R. is so I'm sitting there trying to explain what Grey's Anatomy is and T.R. is very much enamored and very much a fan of Dave's. And you know, to me, a Chappelle sighting is kind of like Elvis.

You alluded to T.R. Knight's backstage drama, and I wanted to ask you about your own. What was up with the Bravo renegotiation for the next season of D-List? There were rumors that you were jumping ship, then Bravo told us they'd signed you...

They definitely said I was signed when I wasn't. It was just a bloodbath of a negotation. It was a very D-list negotiation. I'm not in this situation you hear about where people get Porsches from their networks. Can I say what Bravo got me for Christmas?

Sure.

It's an eco-friendly blanket. Yeah, it was a bloody negotiation. All I can say is, you should see the other guy.

There's also talk that the format of My Life on the D-List is going to change a little bit? How so?

Yeah, I'm excited about that. We've already actually started. You know, Bravo originally talked to me at one point about doing a talk show, and I'm not sure about that. I feel like the best way to do that is to try to learn and see what you can do well instead of jumping behind a desk, at least for me. So I said, "Well, what if we take The D-List and instead of having me do things that aren't really part of my life anymore, we keep the elements of The D-List that you love—cut to my mom with a box of wine—but this year we have it be more celebrity-oriented. So half of it is like a talk show with A-listers and the other half of it is the D-list stuff you've come to expect for me to be horrified by.

Kathy, what was up with Andy Cohen and Daniel Craig having that shirtless frolic in St. Bart's? How did that happen?

Andy Cohen who?

Andy Cohen from Bravo.

ANDY COHEN FROM BRAVO had a shirtless frolic with Daniel Craig?

You need to get yourself on the internet after this interview to look up those pictures.

That sounds like a gay photo shoot to me.

It kind of is. There's a lot of bare chests and Daniel Craig emerging from the surf in short shorts.

That makes me vomit, because all that tells me is that that's what Andy Cohen is doing instead of promoting Season 5 of My Life on the D-List. The double Emmy-winning My Life on the D-List.

We have to talk about Rosie Live. That was such a...

...such a clusterfuck backstage, is what you were going to say? [laughs] I had more fun backstage at that than at anything in my life. It was really just the most bizarre, odd combination of people sharing dressing rooms, because it was an off-Broadway theater. At one point I looked in my room and there was Jane Krakowski in like a zip-up teddy and heels and fishnets, and there's Liza in a cashmere, sparkly Halston rehearsing over and over, then Gloria Estefan is in a wool dress fanning herself because there's no air conditioning, and then Alec Baldwin walks in and he's so hot that he uses the cool setting on a blow dryer to blow his face. And then in comes Clay [Aiken]! And it doesn't get any better than that.

And he was frosty to you. I assume that was the first time you'd seen him since he came out of the closet.

Frosty, yeah. You're damn right he was. Yeah, it was the first time I'd seen him since he "came out of the closet," but then that's all relative, isn't it? [laughs]

Why do you think he picked that time to finally come out?

I guess because of the kid. My guess is that he was going to be walking around with the baby and someone would ask, "Who's the mom?" And he doesn't want to have to say, "Harold," or whoever.

While we're on the subject, gay people are very mad at Obama right now because of Rick Warren. Did he screw up on that one?

Yeah, he did. Big time. Most straights aren't thrilled, either! Rick Warren...he's bad news, this guy. I just try to ignore those guys. It's funny, I make a joke about religion and then I get in trouble, but those guys ultimately are the joke. Who listens to anything Rick Warren says after that?

A lot of people, it seems.

What, his flock of morons? Let 'em have him.

What do you make of Jennifer Aniston's current press tour to promote her nude GQ photo shoot...I mean, Marley & Me?

I am so jealous of that GQ photo shoot! I want to put on a man's tie and look 25. I loved it. I don't understand the animosity toward Jennifer Aniston, I don't know what she's done to people, and it's kind of startling to me because I didn't know she had it in her to evoke such passion in people. This is the girl who was on Friends and she does movies now and then, but people are like out to get her now and I'm a little confused by that.

Speaking of animosty, let's discuss Elisabeth Hasselbeck and The View. We've had a crazy journey with her during this political year, and we've heard that there's been a lot of backstage drama. You've co-hosted there before—can you shed any light on the subject?

You know, I have an extremely annoying voice, so I should talk, but when I hear that chipmunky high-pitched screeching of hers, I just tune out. Maybe it's just from me being there so many times, but I know that backstage, you do the hair and makeup and you have an hour off to go to your room and do whatever you want, study or read the paper or whatever. And [with Elisabeth] all that happens is that Bill Geddie, the executive producer, goes to her room and gives her the Fox talking points. Everyone who's co-hosted the show knows that. So when I hear those things coming out of her mouth, I don't even know if those are her thoughts, as deep as they must be.

Finally, Seth wanted me to thank you for introducing David Archuleta to Defamer.

That was a fun conversation. I didn't know what he was taking from it or not. I mean, he's not always "present," shall I say? But to this day, that video of the screaming girls...that is my Prozac. If I'm having a bad day, I can play that and feel just fine about the world. It's so fucking funny.

All right Kathy, thank you so much.

Are you going to watch my New Year's show with Anderson?

We'll definitely DVR it.

OK, great. And remember, Ryan Seacrest can suck it.

But recall if you will, a time before Brangeliniston, before even Brangelina, in which our attention was held rapt by Bennifer and one notorious derriere. Yes, J.Lo is back from the clutches of suburban motherhood and she left her wedding ring at home. Does it mean her marriage to Marc Anthony on the rocks, or is J.Lo just letting us know that she would like us to pay attention to her again? We swallow a heaping dose of OK!, Us, Life & Style, In Touch and Star, below.

OK!
Have you heard? "Jen's Obsessed With Angie." Also obsessed: the dozens of other publications from which this cover story was crudely cobbled together. Johnny Depp went shopping at a high-end jewelry store in California, which clearly means he's picked out a ring for Vanessa Paradis, his girlfriend of a decade and mother of his two children. The next 28 pages are devoted to a recap of the most important people and events 2008, as chosen by panelists Christian Siriano, Ann Curry, Diddy, and Lauren Conrad. And if that's not enough to convince you that everyone at OK! drank too much at the holiday party and called in sick on Monday, there is a peek into the "private world" of Clyde, the canine star of Marley & Me.
Grade: F (Drilling a hole in the head)

Life & Style
The six page "lump of coal" cover story "Baby's First Christmas" describes how celebs who have recently spawned are spending the holidays. The Jolie-Pitt kids are getting 1980s-style arcade rooms installed in their multiple homes, Pete Wentz bought 1-month-old Bronx Mowgli his first $5,000 electric guitar, and Nicole Richie's daughter Harlow is stuck with wooden blocks. The stars have shocking and bizarre Christmas traditions like opening presents, listening to Bing Crosby records, and spending time with their families. Next: Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin haven't been spotted together since Beyonce and Jay-Z's wedding in April. Could their marriage be on the rocks? The mag helpfully points out that the holidays are a stressful time that could push a couple to the breaking point. Britney wants more plastic surgery. A "friend" says she's "dying to have her boobs lifted" and wants lipo on her butt and inner thighs. Michael Jackson has blown his billion dollar fortune and will be auctioning some of his most prized possessions in April. Here are some financial lessons you can learn from Michael: caring for your four giraffes costs about $12,000 per year and settling a child molestation case may run you more than $25 million. Moving on: Life & Style talks with Kate Walsh of Grey's Anatomy fame about her divorce from Alex Young, her husband of 15 months. Here's the "exclusive interview" in its entirety: "At the moment, for obvious reasons, I don't want to talk about my relationship with Alex or our divorce." Tara Reid checked herself into rehab at Promises in Malibu for reasons unknown. In the latest infuriating installment of Dr. Rey's plastic surgery casebook the bad doctor suggests that Nicollette Sheridan may look younger with Gwyneth Paltrow's face. Possible side effects: having someone else's face. Lastly, Brittany Flickinger, the winner of Paris Hilton's search for a "new BFF," reveals that she was never a Paris Hilton fan prior to landing a spot on the reality show. So what brought them together? "We have the same drink of choice," says Flickinger, "Patron tequila." Sounds like it's going to be a beautiful friendship.
Grade: D- (Amputation)

Us
In the case of the "disappearing bling" we learn that J.Lo showed up to the Benjamin Button premiere without her wedding rings. She may have left the rings home on purpose because she has always used her jewelry to "send SOS messages" to the press. Lopez is supposedly bored with suburban motherhood and wouldn't sit next to Marc Anthony at Thanksgiving dinner. Earlier this month, Anthony was spotted at Bungalow 8 having drinks with three women. He put his hand on one girl's thigh, which she thought was "gross." Anthony keeps tabs on J.Lo's phone calls and dictates her wardrobe choices. "You don't see so much of that booty anymore," says the couple's "longtime friend." Jennifer Connelly has gone from 140 lbs. to 110 lbs. in the past two years, according to a doctor who doesn't treat her. Connelly's explanation: "I eat an absurd amount of apples." Also, SNL alum Horatio Sans has gone from "chunk to hunk" by losing nearly 100 lbs. (Fig. 1). In closing, Michael Jackson's new style is inspired by Zorro and the Hamburgler (Fig. 2).
Grade: D (Leeches)

Star
As Star reported last week, the Jolie-Pitt kids are forcing their parents to get married in an elaborate (and entirely made up) June wedding. But first Brad wants Angie to sign a prenup because of the pair's dicey romantic track records. If they break up they'll each keep their own millions and Angie will get primary custody of all the kids because Brad doesn't want to break up the brood or take them from their mother. There are also uncomfortable details about how long Brad and Angie want to stay on life support if "something drastic" happens, but that's really something that should be discussed with your real life loved ones before clouding your mind with the wishes of the Jolie-Pitts. Blind item: Which actor has a special way to make himself feel holly jolly? While his kids shopped for a Christmas tree, he stayed in the car and fired up a suspicious smelling pipe. As you know, Oprah admitted that she is 200 lbs. in O magazine, but Star cattily insists that she's actually 10 lbs. heavier. The mag says she's planning on getting gastric bypass surgery to shed 50 lbs., but is worried that it will be too obvious. "She wants people to think it was through diet and exercise, and not because of surgery," says an insider. Mariah Carey was spotted holding a sonogram, refused to drink champagne, and just canceled a world tour. "What does it all mean?" demands Star. According to a detailed account of the star peeing on a pregnancy test, she's with child. Demi Lovato showed up to Miley Cyrus's October birthday party with smudgy black lines on her wrist. Is she cutting? She had marks on her wrist in September, but her rep claimed they were left by a gummy bracelet. If this is the first tabloid you're buying this year, you may want to check out the 16 page story on the "OMG! MOMENTS OF 2008." Otherwise, they are considerably less shocking.
Grade: D+ (Blood letting)

In Touch
The magazine asks, Angelina Jolie versus Jennifer Aniston: "Why Can't They Let It Go?" Could it be because In Touch keeps putting fake stories like this one on the cover? Lindsay Lohan and Anne Hathaway have each lost 20 lbs and are now "scary-skinny." Or they were photographed in a baggy outfit. Britney is secretly dating Benji Madden. Britney selected Paris Hilton's recent ex off a list of potential boyfriends compiled by her dad Jamie and manager Larry Rudolph. The list included Chace Crawford, Jesse Metcalfe, and Michael Phelps. But! Brit is also dating Kentwood, La. local Ryan Martin. He is 20 and best friends with Britney's baby-daddy-in-law Casey Aldridge. Moving on: Fergie and Josh Duhamel, who have been engaged for a year, are secretly planning to wed on the weekend of January 10. But the real "top secret" may be that Fergie isn't gaining weight for an upcoming role, she's pregnant. Jude Law's receding hairline has been looking much fuller recently. Did he get a hair transplant? In a four page spread on Christmas at Kathy Griffin's house we learn that she has decorated her LA home for the holidays with mounted reindeer heads and golden Emmy theme. "I don't know if you've heard, but I won two Emmys," Griffin explains, "and it is important that every single person alive knows that I have two Emmys." There's a picture of Kathy next to her dominatrix-themed tree holding a whip (Fig. 3). Lastly, Time may have named Barack Obama is the Person of the Year, but according to In Touch, it's actually David Cook. A handy comparison chart explains that though Obama has more Grammys, David Cook won a higher percentage of Idol's final vote than Obama got in the election, and Cook has more MySpace friends.
Grade: C- (Expired children's cough syrup)

Fig. 1

Fig. 2

Fig. 3

"I held up one of those ghetto blasters playing one of Clay's songs, and I begged him to take me back and he said no," Griffin said at last night's Grammy nomination concert in downtown L.A. "And then I walked out of the room and Gloria Estefan said to me, 'I told ya—you shouldn't have gone in there alone.' "

Griffin said she was, at the very least, hoping for some sort of thank-you or acknowledgment for her role in helping him come out. "There were no words of thanks or even really any words at all, for that matter," Griffin said. "I would have to say he was not very nice."

Cold, Clay — but at least the warmth of eternal hellfire (currently spreading all across the city, but admittedly stuck in traffic near Santa Monica and La Brea) will thaw your frozen heart. Would our Archie have made the same mistake?

• Kathy Griffin on Clay Aiken: "He Was Not Very Nice" [E!]

Well, apparently he does, as an interview conducted by Kathy Griffin backstage at The Bonnie Hunt Show today revealed that Archuleta read our track-by-track review of his debut CD, or at least glanced at the video of girls reacting to his real-time defeat at the top of the page. (A reader tells us Kathy also name dropped us on the air, so we feel we owe her something in return: "Your rack is banging in that Hello Kitty shirt." There.) According to Arch, he was led to the post by his bestubbled vanquisher, David Cook—suggesting Cook reads Defamer as well. Enh, whatever. That's cool, we guess. [Kathy Griffin's MySpace]

WCT: Any new thoughts on The View?

KG: Ohhh. First of all, I still can’t get over the fact that Sherri Shepherd thinks the earth is flat. That’s already hysterical to me. Also, she told Bill Maher that God personally speaks to her. I am fascinated by that

Somehow, Elizabeth Hasselbeck has snowed American audiences into not knowing that she is a fucking Survivor reject. I am sorry; I am going to listen to the political beliefs of someone who wore wacky scarves on Survivor?

God knows Barbara [Walters] can’t stand me, but at least I listen to her because she has interviewed every world leader, living and dead.

Of course I like Whoopi and Joy very much. I get along great with them. Sherri is a pistol. But this notion that everyone has to be quiet and listen to Hasselbeck is out of control. It’s always amusing to hear her lose her points when you watch her on YouTube.com.

WCT: She seems more and more stressed out.

KG: She’s getting more and more strident; that’s for sure. But also, I am not sure why Babs treats her like a rock star. Believe me: When I was there, Barbara Walters was kicking my shins under the table

She may have traded in wacky scarves for frumpy, mismatched underthings, but we ourselves have not been snowed into thinking Hasselbeck is anyone other than Survivor 2's machiavellian shoe designer from Hell. It's those precise, instinctive survival skills that have gotten Hasselbeck this far into her View tenure, and we doubt we'll really see her exit before an inevitable episode-gone-wrong results in the feral hostess crouched over a lifeless Joy Behar, snapping rabidly at security as she smothers herself in the comedienne's gutted remains.

• interview: Kathy Griffin [Windy City Times]

BRAVO is about to lose another winning show to the competition. On the heels of "Project Runway's" being ripped to Lifetime, insiders are buzzing that Kathy Griffin might take her "Life on the D-List" and comedy specials to a greener pasture. "Other networks are aggressively pursuing Kathy for a multitiered deal, which would include hosting a late-night talk show, award shows, and continuing her reality show and comedy specials," a well-placed source dished. Griffin's rep had "no comment," but our tipster said to keep an eye out for Griffin's post-Emmy announcement.

While Runway's move to Lifetime was unlikely, it still made a certain amount of sense; after all, we've been told that women love fashion. For Griffin, though, it's hard to imagine a channel that's a better fit for her sensibility than Bravo, and since the station is part of the NBC/Universal umbrella, we'd think that would offer her some of the biggest possible venues for talk and award show offshoots. Is the Page Six item simply the negotiations ploy Griffin hinted she was ready for in our interview with her, or should we expect her to soon wade into the testosterone-soaked waters of Comedy Central (or — best case scenario — end up as a Food Channel sidekick to Paula Deen)?

[Photo Credit: AP]

• GRIFFIN'S MOVE [NY Post]

"No way!" she gasped in her seat when she heard her name called as winner. Upon arriving at the podium, she gasped, "Well, well, well! Here we go again, f—ers. Here we go again!" Looking around the auditorium, she acknowledged some celebs in the audience, adding, "Hanks, Gandolfini — what the f—! I'm not going to tell anyone to suck it. I would make love to this thing if I could."

The evening's other winners included best guest actor Tim Conway for the sweet, old (perverted, racist) writer, wandering, Studio 60-style, around the 30 Rock halls, and best guest actress Cynthia Nixon, for her character with multiple-personality-disorder on SVU. (All of the personalities were up for the same award.) HBO's John Adams took eight trophies—the evening's most—while Mad Men won the most series awards with four, including best cinematography. Silverman's "I'm Fucking Matt Damon," meanwhile, took two: best music and lyrics, and best editing of clip packages, for which it tied with American Idol. She dedicated the award to the man who "broke her heart – who'll always have a place in my heart." Variety has the full list of winners.

[Photo credit: Variety]

• Kathy Griffin wins an Emmy — and shocks — again [Gold Derby]
• Emmys: 210 minutes of Creative Arts awards [Variety]

The folks at MANHUNT thought it would be fun to create a special promotion and offer members a chance to win an exclusive one-on-one MANCAM chat with Kathy Griffin. MANHUNT has reached out to Kathy’s management team a few times to put an offer on the table which would include her fee but they have not received any response. In an attempt to reach Kathy Griffin, MANHUNT.net has posted the attached banner on their site. They’re hoping Kathy’s gays will see the banner and alert Griffin that they’re trying to reach her.

What a novel idea: "You wouldn't return our phone calls, so we used your image anyway!" Well, Manhunt (we're sorry, "MANHUNT"), it's the least we can do to pass on your tender entreaties — after all, we know that Kathy reads Defamer every day. Good luck with your mission — even though stealing a publicity still from Bravo means that lawyers will be serving a cease-and-desist before you can even say, "How hung?"

• Ignoring Calls From Gay Porn Site, Kathy Griffin Nevertheless Forced to Market Gay Hookup Site [Jossip]

But we're getting ahead of ourselves: Last night, we managed to get a freshly Emmy-nominated Kathy Griffin to sit down with us just minutes before taking the Theatre St-Denis stage for that night's comedy gala. Besides taping a special greeting just for you, dear Defamer reader, she was a great sport in submitting to all our probing Kathy questions. Has she ever grappled with addiction? Is Padma Lakshmi a coddled diva? Did The Woz ever get handsy? Should Ryan Seacrest suck it? All is revealed, after the jump.

KATHY: It's so nice to meet you. I'm such a fan. [Hugs.]
DEFAMER: You are?
KATHY: Of Defamer? I read it every day. Are you kidding? I have arrived to be even slightly favorably spoken of on Defamer. Everybody e-mails me instantly. I love it. You know why? It's so clever, as opposed to being mean or shocking. I think the essays are so hysterical. I absolutely laugh out loud at that website. I think it's so good. And I always feel so famous if I'm in a PrivacyWatch. Very famous.
DEFAMER: Wow. Well that's really nice to hear, because we're huge fans of yours.
KATHY: I feel like I kind of cross over when I speak out about Scientology. Like, "Oh, good, only Defamer will support me on that." When all other heads of state turn on me.
DEFAMER: So what are your latest thoughts about it? Still a dangerous cult, or just a misunderstood community center?
KATHY: Well of course I love the Der Spiegel interview where Tom Cruise gets all indignant and says, "Would you make fun of someone's religion?" It's, like, fuck yeah, Tom. It's all on the table. The insidiousness of actually saying you can't make fun of someone's religion—it's ridiculous. Of course you can make fun of anyone's religion.
DEFAMER: And earn Emmys doing it!
KATHY: I'm a double Emmy nominee. Can you believe this shit? Can I tell you the press release that Bravo wouldn't let me do? Because they said they wanted something to put out there when I got the news today. And my official statement was, "Does this mean I can go to Lifetime and get more money like Project Runway did?" I thought that was funny, but today I heard from my publicist that Bravo won't release that. So I said somebody with a sense of humor should release it, then.
DEFAMER: Consider it released. So where were you when you found out?
KATHY: I was sleeping at the Hotel St. Paul. You think I expected it? Like I stayed up all night with my hair and makeup on? Please. I took an Ambien. You could have stabbed me in my sleep.
DEFAMER: Who told you? [Kathy's assistant and My Life on the D-List co-star] Tom?
[Tom nods.]
KATHY: Tom did tell me. It was actually a pretty Hollywood story. I got the call from Rogers and Cowens. So that's kind of A-list, that my publicist called me.
DEFAMER: You're up against Intervention, if I'm not mistaken.
KATHY: Which I would LOVE to be on. I'm trying to find just the right addiction. Right now all I have is hoarding. Like Delta Burke—she's a hoarder. But I feel that I can come up with just the right addiction, because I love the idea of all my relatives and friends coming together in one room and yelling at me together. You know, Janice Dickinson has this great story that apparently during her intervention, she was high, and she literally thought it was a party. For the entire intervention, she wasn't hearing them say, "OK, you need to get on the plane and go to rehab." And she was like, "WHOOO!!! Where we goin'? Party! Call Jagger!" I want mine to be like that, but, like, D-list, so I'm like, "WHOO! Where's Carrot Top? Where's Andy Dick? Let's goooo!"
DEFAMER: What do you anticipate will happen if you cross paths with Ryan Seacrest at this year's Emmys? He's nominated, and could even host again. So there's a good chance of that.
KATHY: Here's the deal. I'm going to shoot to kill. As you know, I have a hit out on LC from The Hills. And I feel that once I found out that that isn't illegal, then I'm now just taking hits out on several celebrities. And Ryan Seacrest is definitely in my crosshairs.
DEFAMER: He is?
KATHY: Yeah, of course.
DEFAMER: Remember the Poop On Ryan Seacrest's Walk of Fame Star Contest? A website put out a dare for people to send in photo evidence of them taking a dump on his square.
KATHY: And did they?
DEFAMER: I believe someone did.
KATHY: Ah, see, that's hilarious. I would be so thrilled if I had a star people pooped on.
DEFAMER: Why don't you have a star?
KATHY: I dunno. Gee. What a shock. Maybe for the same reason Bravo won't buy a billboard. You know why? 'Cause I'm not Padma. "Oooooooh! Padma is so wonderful. Padma Padma Padma! Ooh, she's thin and was married to Salman Rushdie." Well, I went out with Steve Wozniak. Who never had a fatwa, but still, people know him.
DEFAMER: We'll see how much Bravo loves Padma after Top Chef moves to the Food Network.
KATHY: That's my dream! To move to the Food Network. Don't say that—I want to be Paula Deen. She could buy and sell all of us.
DEFAMER: Can you cook?
KATHY: No. I just want to be Paula Deen. I'm not saying I have any talent. Paula Deen has her own airplane. How do you like that shit?
DEFAMER: You don't?
KATHY: Please. I'll see you on Southwest tomorrow. In the B group.
DEFAMER: Speaking of Woz, I think of all the Kathy Griffin storylines on Defamer, for some reason people connect to Woz the most.
KATHY: Gee, 'cause maybe they are online? I know. I was supposed to see Woz last week, and in fact the theater where I was going to perform was where I met him. The Saratoga Mountain Winery. Or as Star magazine calls it, "Saratoga, Florida." Which is, you know, his neck of the woods. But, no, we are definitely still buds.
DEFAMER: So what was the story there? Were you dating or not?
KATHY: The story was, we were frienemies.
DEFAMER: What was the "enemy" part of the equation?
KATHY: I guess we weren't frienemies, because we were never enemies. I was trying to liken myself to LC and...um...Whitney? Is Whitney on The Hills?
DEFAMER: I think LC and Audrina are the frienemies. But they hate each other now.
KATHY: Oh no! I love The Woz!
DEFAMER: Right. So there is no "enemy" part.
KATHY: Oh, okay. Well then we were...we were definitely...I'd say we were...I don't know what to call it.
DEFAMER: Did you ever make out?
KATHY: No.
DEFAMER: You never even made out?
KATHY: No. See—I can't really call it "dating."
DEFAMER: Did he put the moves on you?
KATHY: He didn't really put the moves on me. I mean, you have to ask him this. Because I am, you know, I am very protective of him and love him and I wouldn't want to say anything about him that would make him sound any less than the Wonderful Wizard of Woz that he is. Let's just say that we had much better chemistry as friends.
DEFAMER: You really do have great chemistry on the show. That Segway lesson was the cutest thing I've seen in ages.
KATHY: There's more Woz coming. I talked Bravo into doing an extra episode, so there's going to be 11 now. Because they overshoot the fuck out of the show.
DEFAMER: You guys should really have a whole spinoff with just the two of you.
KATHY: I don't even think he's aware he's on the show. He's so not in that world.
DEFAMER: The bear photoshoot was a classic.
KATHY: He didn't even know [what a bear was], or that he is a bear. I'm not even kidding. There's actually moments that didn't make the show that were really funny, where he was saying stuff like, "You know, if I fall in love with a man, I fall in love with a man. There's nothing wrong with that."
DEFAMER: Wow.
KATHY: Oh yeah. He's very forward-thinking, Woz. I mean, obviously.

In today's installment: David Spade, Neil Patrick Harris, James Woods, Kathy Griffin, Jason Bateman, Samantha Ronson, Emma Stone, Lisa Bonet, George Foreman and more!

FRIDAY, JULY 4
· Saw LISA BONET (a.k.a. Lilakoi Moon? really?) eating breakfast in Boulder, Co on July 4th. She was wearing a gray (organically dyed, no doubt) cotton (or perhaps organic bamboo) dress, had long dreadlocks, and John Lennon-style round sunglasses. She and her boyfriend Jason Momoa were the picture of multicultural hippiedom. She also seemed cooly unfazed by the Madge-Rod C-Rod Lenny Kravitz clusterf*ck. She might have been high though. It's Boulder after all.

MONDAY, JULY 7
· Saw Lindsay's love-drug SAMANTHA RONSON going through security this morning at LAX. No sign of the Freckled One anywhere. Fine with me. As far as I'm concerned, Samantha's the hotness in that couple.

WEDNESDAY, JULY 9
· Saw GEORGE FOREMAN at LAX Wednesday. Didn't have his grill, but had two young men with him. I can only assume it was two of his sons George and George. I must admit, the George's were ridiculously good-looking. Wouldn't mind doing some grilling with them.

FRIDAY, JULY 11
· Spotted in the crowd at Ricky Gervais' sold out show at the Kodak Theater: JASON BATEMAN, KATHY GRIFFIN, JJ ABRAMS, CHERI OTERI and EMMA STONE.

SATURDAY, JULY 12
· NEIL PATRICK HARRIS is starting his workout @ Equinox WeHo right now.

MONDAY, JULY 14
· Stopped at a light in Sunset Plaza, glanced to the right and saw JAMES WOODS sitting at an outdoor table at Cafe Med. Unfortunately, he was with another guy and not engaged in any provocative James Woods behavior like canoodling with a twentysomething or holding up his I.Q. score or M.I.T. diploma....just behaving like a normal citizen, albeit one who sits where all the tourists, not to mention tetchy locals like me, will spot him.

UNDATED
· DAVID SPADE was at a movie theater, the one by the Grove, last week. He was with some girl who was all over him during the movie.

[Photo Credit: Getty Images]

• My Life on the D-List [BravoTV.com]

The ad was for a product called Boy Butter, which its makers describe as "a creamy lubricant targeting the Gay market." In other words, you use the stuff for anal sex. According to creator Eyal Feldman, "Bravo is the perfect channel for these commercials and the best platform for a little bit of Gay TV history." We couldn't agree more, but now that the floodgates are open, hopefully ads like this will run on even more mainstream gay fare like Ugly Betty or Are You Smarter that A 5th Grader? And what about product integration? Wouldn't it be great to see the contestants on Celebrity Apprentice sell Boy Butter to tourists waiting in line for Broadway musicals? This is only the beginning, people. Put that in your "tight agenda" and smoke it.

• ADULT: June 30: Boy Butter Launches First Gay Personal Lubricant TV Commercial [E World Wire]

"We were dating, but were just friendly. I never f——d him or anything!" she told Usmagazine.com during a visit to our NYC offices last Thursday.

"The truth is," she added, "we really were friends the whole time."

She announced their split in April (they met in 2007 after he watched her perform).

After they called it quits, she said "he met someone very quickly and then they [got] engaged."

"I have had dinner with them, and she's a thousand times more appropriate!" she said. "I hate to say it, but in the Bruce, Demi, Ashton [scheme of things], I'm the Bruce!"

We doubt we'll be able to mask our disappointment that neither could satisfy one another in ways that might have ensured a lasting relationship, and who knows—maybe even some little Griffniaks down the line. Regardless of carnal knowledge, however, the bar has been set: If you expect to woo her, Miss Griffin demands nothing short of one billion dollars in liquid assets (that's what comes of learning your first husband took $72,000 out of your bank account in small ATM installments), upon which she'll gladly accept your offer for dinner, and generously overlook any obvious toupees that might have come along for the ride.

• EXCLUSIVE: Kathy Griffin: I Never Slept With Steve Wozniak [US Weekly]

After lifting our jaw off the ground upon hearing Roker's response to the Griffin bump and grind ("Anyone got any cigarettes?"), we had to relocate our jaw once again as Griffin swiftly switched subjects to her hosting gig and, in a well-executed non-seguitur, finally said what has needed to be said about to-be rap star Ali Lohan for quite some time now. Explaining that she was given the job due to Ali and Dina Lohan's conflicting schedules (a joke, people, relax), she went ahead and launched our inner monologue right out into America's eardrums: "Yeah, Ali was busy doing her hip hop CD, because, you know, she’s white and 14 and lives on Long Island, so hip hop speaks to her." Oh Kathy. What was Woz thinking?

• THE TODAY SHOW [NBC]

"As a matter of fact," she added, "I got an email last week from him, and he is going to marry someone else... I think he might be married. I don't really know that for sure, though."