Amanda Peet: Even a Neil Simon script and eye candy provided in the form of Patrick Wilson couldn’t save Peet’s 2006 role in Barefoot In The Park from critical ridicule and a very brief run. The NY Times equated the theatergoer’s experience to watching paint dry, and said of her performance: "She's trying, really hard, to be funny and freewheeling, but it hurts.” Ouch.

Kathleen Turner: You would think no one could dare attempt to reincarnate The Graduate's Mrs. Robinson other than Nicolas Cage defamer Kathleen Turner. The husky voice, the stiff hair, the scent of desperation — all right up Turner’s alley. Sadly, the dame spent most of her off-stage time downing vodka and passing out on the theater’s bathroom floor. Watching Luke Perry fondle the elderly is painful enough — watching him fondle the elderly and unconscious? Impossible.

Denzel Washington: Denzel’s 2005 appearance as Julius Caesar wasn’t a flop per se, but, as is the case with too many of his movies, making a whole bunch of money does not a success make. Fanfare ensured the limited run filled seats, but reviews handily laid out the Unwelcome Mat for the unimpressive star on the Great White Way.

David Schwimmer: The NYT struck again, ripping to shreds Schwimmer’s attempt to erase Ross Gellar from our scarred memories by making his Broadway debut in a heavy military revival. Labeled a bland “pouty puppy,” Schwimmer didn’t let the swift exit of The Caine Mutiny Court-Martial deter him from killing off The Producers opposite the wildly high-regarded vocal talents of Larry David.

Julia Roberts: When being called a “lamppost” is the highlight of your critical fallout, you know it’s time to tidy up the stage and quickly put your total failure of a Broadway debut to bed. But not Julia Roberts! “Hated” by reviewers, unable to sell tickets for half of their going rate, Roberts’ blindingly bright star power dimmed considerably for what felt like the first time after boldly starring in Three Days Of Rain.

• HARTNETT TO STAR IN 'RAIN MAN' AS THE UN-RETARDED ONE [Radar]

The Accused: The Superficial
The Crime: Calling a woman who does not meet some predetermined and subjective ideal of femininity a man and generally criticizing her looks.
The Evidence: "Here's a shot of Fergie in the Bahamas over the weekend. While I often publicly question her gender, I will admit that maybe kind of sort of Josh Duhamel doesn't entirely hate his penis after bedding this body. At least until he looks at Fergie's face, then there's lots of weeping and cursing. Mostly at God for being 'such a fucking asshole douchebag trickster to create this manner of creature. Oh, you want to go again, baby? Shit, I'm only human. Say, would you mind wearing the pillow case this time? I mean, it is my birthday. Heart you.'" Oh, you're attracted to her, so she MUST be a woman, huh? What does it matter what she looks like? And why does your opinion matter? And why are you even writing this crap? Oh, it's right there in the title, Superficial.
The Sentence: Whipworm infestation.

The Accused: TMZ
The Crime: Calling women men; mocking them in a gallery.
The Evidence: "Dude Looks Like a Lady ... Wait, That is a Lady!" Pictures of Rosie O'Donnell, Jamie Lee Curtis, Hilary Swank, Michelle Rodriguez, Kathleen Turner, Kathy Griffin and Julie Andrews. You know TMZ is owned by AOL now, you'd think they'd class up their act a little, and not publish sexist misogynistic posts in the name of humor.
The Sentence: Ringworm, which is not a worm but a fungus. Don't say you didn't learn something new today!

The Accused: WWTDD?
The Crime: Critiquing a woman's body and insinuating that she is large.
The Evidence: "The female body is not the type of thing we usually talk about here - I don't think that kind of discussion is very classy - and I don't feel scandalous or unflattering pictures of a celebrity has any place on the internet, but these pictures of Denise Richards are going up because holy shit has she gone to hell. She used to be one of the hottest pieces of ass on earth, and pictures of her tits were every young boys secret bullseye. Now she looks like she's made of donuts. You would think someone with so much gravity could stay on a surfboard that's bigger than the high school I went too, but apparently not. Maybe they can get her someones roof and she can surf on that." Really? Denise Richards has a weight problem? She's a 37-year-old mother of two. It's disgusting that men get away with writing about women like this. Oh, and look: Bally Total Fitness is a sponor of WWTDD. Great.
The Sentence: Infestation by Chinese liver fluke.

The Accused: Yeeeah
The Crime: Implying that a woman is too fat to be seen unclothed.
The Evidence: "I just really like being naked," [says] the American Idolstar. You know how that old saying goes — people who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones. Fortunately, I live in a house of 12% body fat and killer gluts, so I feel comfortable saying that Kelly Clarkson needs to steer clear of the glass market. Of course, the plastic slipcover market and anti-chafing powder-gel market can still be all hers." Wow. Hilarious. Fuck you.
The Sentence: A colony of chiggers that live under and feed on the skin.

The Accused: DListed
Reader-Submitted Crime: Menstruation-mocking.
The Evidence: "Kim Kardashian Wipes The Skank Off: I shouldn't say that. I don't think it's possible for Kim Kardashian to wipe the skank off completely. She would have to remove her skin and that's probably pretty painful. She looks alright without make-up, but I sort of love it when she looks like a tranny call girl. She's suffering from 'period face' here. And I bet that bitch's flow is heaaaaaaavy." The reader says: "I lurve Michael K, but I want to flick him in his balls for this... mostly because I think I have period face today, and I want to hide/die/poursulfuricacidonmydeskfornoreason. Maybe I'm just overreacting." You're not. If you don't menstruate, you have no right to tease those who do.
The Sentence: Bloodletting! With leeches, of course.
Same Defendant, Additional Reader-Submitted Crime: Making light of cutting a woman's clitoris.
The Evidence: She can catch flies with her coochie! Jenna Jameson showed up to Comic Con in New York on Friday looking like she slithered in from the forest. Let's cut off her clit and see if it grows back! Yeah, what clit? That shit probably got destroyed a long ass time ago." The reader says: "I'm sorry, but female genital mutilation Is.Not.Funny." Agreed.
The Sentence: Pubic lice, of course.

[Cage's lawyer Simon] Smith said that Turner, Associated Newspapers and Headline Publishing Group now accepted that, owing to a mistake on Turner's part and despite the other defendants' publishing in good faith, the allegations were defamatory and false and ought never to have been published. ...

Mr. Smith said the defendants had also given a contractual undertaking never to republish the allegations and had agreed to publish an apology in the Daily Mail and remove the article from its websites, and insert a correction/apology in the book.

There are lots of other add-ons as well — covering legal costs, forking over money to an elder abuse charity — but nothing can compensate for our personal despair at having to retire "chihuahuanapper Nicolas Cage" from our lexicon. We're thrilled the arrests were retracted, but we'd remit pooch-stealing restitution ourselves if we could just savor the image of Cage as we knew him in 1985: thick hair, intense gaze, and a purloined dog yapping snugly inside his jacket.

• Nic and Kathleen settle libel dispute [MSN]

Ms Turner has yet to respond to the case, the spokesman added.

A spokesman for Mr Cage in Los Angeles said the action followed "false allegations that appear in a forthcoming autobiography", the Daily Telegraph reported.

U.K.'s libel laws are notoriously more stringent that ours, though Cage is fully prepared to take the fight Stateside. As a rep recently told NY Daily News, Turner will have to apologize and retract the story, or he'd "go full speed ahead with litigation in the U.S." Incapable of wresting the receiver away from a hovering Cage's hands, the actor then added, "And that goes for anyone else out there who questions the righteousness of so much as a single strand of hair on my head. I'll sue those mud-slingers into Timbuktu, too! Now go put that in your paper!" before slamming the phone down, and spending the rest of the afternoon letting out his frustration on a speed bag in his favorite bear suit.

• Cage sues Turner over book claims [news.bbc.co.uk]

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE: January 24, 2008 Response issued by Nicolas Cage in regard to false statements made by Kathleen Turner in her upcoming book:

"I have never been arrested for anything in my life, nor have I stolen a dog. I am reaching out to my fans—many of whom are children so that they know that I do not condone drunk driving or theft. The reason why you've never seen a mug shot of me is because it does not exist."

Fictional Coensian babynapper H.I. McDunnough notwithstanding, we have every reason to believe Cage is telling his young fans the truth when he swears he has never been arrested for reasons of DUI, Chihuahua-abduction, or any other. Ms. Turner's outrageous recollections must therefore be either hurtful and irresponsible tall-tales concocted to move hardcover units, or the senile ramblings of an aging grand dame of stage and screen, who's had a go of differentiating between real and fantasy ever since she was bonked on the head by a boom mic during filming of V.I. Warshawski.

He caused so many problems. He was arrested twice for drunk-driving and, I think, once for stealing a dog. He'd come across a chihuahua he liked and stuck it in his jacket.

On the last night of filming, he came into my trailer after he'd clearly been drinking heavily. He fell on his knees and asked if I could ever forgive him. I said, "Not right now. I have a scene to shoot. Excuse me," and just walked out.

Nicolas didn't manage to kill the film, but he didn't add a lot to it, either. For years, whenever I saw him, he'd apologise for his behaviour. I'd say: "Look, I'm way over it." But I haven't pursued the idea of working with him again.

Cage, eager to defend his good name, had his trusty publicist call Page Six to refute Turner's recounting of the alleged, set-disrupting arrests ("While I recall Kathleen Turner being a great lady and wonderful actress, the credibility of her biography and her memory is at stake . . . Fact credibility should have been exercised on [her] part"); following such an impassioned self-affirmation of his professionalism, we expect that the box office megastar can now safely put this brief ugliness behind him, and get back to the important work of mugging his way through terrible movies that gross hundreds of millions of dollars, unemcumbered by obviously baseless accusations of Chihuahua-napping.

• Why I detest Burt Reynolds and Nicolas Cage by Kathleen Turner [Daily Mail]