15. Russian Glamour, June 2009
Beyoncé's skin looked digitally darkened on the cover of Russian Glamour — and the editors had a guide! A magazine called Joy used the same shot in December 2007. Was something lost in translation? Save your "black Russian" jokes until the end.

14. L'Oreal, August 2008
Beyoncé's skin seemed very light in ads for Feria haircolor. One theory: she was washed out by the strong lighting usually used in shooting hair.

13. Vogue, November 2009
The cast of Nine is chock-full of gorgeous women, but this shot is a mindscramble of random rays of sunlight in hair and dresses with edges so sharp they look like they're for paper dolls. As I wrote in October: "I'm guessing [Annie] Leibovitz shot them each separately and then did a composite, but when you have a person who doesn't cast a shadow on the lady next to her, then that person is a vampire." Poor Kate Hudson looks like she was slapped on as an afterthought.

12. Complex, April/May 2009
Kim Kardashian's waist was cinched, her thighs were slimmed, her skin skin smoothed out and her hairline was cleaned up. Plus, her head appears to be a different shape in the "after" image. Who would have thought a skull could be made "sexier"?

11. Self, September 2009
Kelly Clarkson's "Total Body Confidence" came from digitally slimming her waist and behind. Two Self editors explained that the cover: "is not, as in a news photograph, journalism. It is, however, meant to inspire women to want to be their best."

10. King Arthur poster, 2004
Movie marketers felt they must, they must, they must increase the bust. Ironically, Keira Knightley told the Guardian that she lost her chest, doing archery and preparing for the role:

To fight, convincingly, shoulder to shoulder, she had to do that thing that is so de rigueur, which is totally to change your body shape. "I was about three times the size I am now. It worried me, but it was cool, it was a body that was doing what it should do. I haven't got a clue because I don't weigh myself, but it was all muscle and I was big. My neck disappeared. My chest flattened even more. It wasn't the most feminine thing in the world, but it worked for the part, because there was strength there, and it was needed."

Of course, Hollywood can't imagine a world in which people would see a movie starring an athletic, flat-chested woman. So a digital boob job followed.

9. Redbook, July 2007
The crazy thing about the Faith Hill Redbook cover is not that it was Photoshopped — it's that this is the standard amount of digital altering that goes into a cover. Unlike some true Photoshop disasters, there are no alarming mistakes here to tip you off. That makes it easy to accept the retouched image without even blinking. Faith Hill is a beautiful woman. But she needed 11 different kinds of alterations before she could be on the cover of Redbook. What a world.

8. Campari calendar, 2008
Jessica Alba: Just another woman whose real body wasn't good enough. In this case, her waist needed to be nipped in so she could shill liquor.

7. Vogue, May 2008
RoboGwyneth looks like a robot, or an alien, depending on whom you ask. One thing is for sure: Her head and neck are not in the same space-time continuum.

6. Redbook, June 2003
Jennifer Aniston's head was placed on to Jennifer Aniston's body — from another photo shoot. At the time, her publicist, Steven Huvane, said: "It's a combination of three pictures. If you're going to do it, then at least match her head up to her body, and make the neck look like it belongs to her. I still can't figure out which exact picture the face came from." A Redbook spokeswoman downplayed the changes: "The only things that were altered in the cover photo were the color of her shirt and the length of her hair, very slightly, in order to reflect her current length."

The neck does look alarmingly unreal, and her head and waist are out of sync somehow. Angelina is surely to blame.

5.Redbook, July 2003
The month after the Aniston debacle, Redbook was at it again: According to USA Today, "[Julia's] head comes from a paparazzi shot taken at the 2002 People's Choice awards. Her body, meanwhile, is from the Notting Hill movie premiere [in 1999]." Julia's publicist, Marcy Engelman, said, at the time: "It's a shame they didn't use the body that went with the head, because it was a great Giorgio Armani pantsuit (that she wore to the People's Choice awards)."

4. Newsweek, March 2005
The editors used Martha's head and a model's body, because Ms. Stewart was still in jail when the issue was being put together. It wasn't supposed to be a photograph, anyway, it was art: "The piece that we commissioned was intended to show Martha as she would be, not necessarily as she is,'' Lynn Staley, assistant managing editor at Newsweek, told The New York Times. Staley acknowledged that the cover carried a disclaimer: ''In this case, we identified this piece as a photo illustration." As Martha would say, it's a "good thing" you did.

3. Seventeen, May 2003
Think about all the Buffy plots which could have been orchestrated around Sarah Michelle Gellar's weird wrist appendage over there on the left, if her arm actually looked like that.

2. GQ, February 2003.
Some people saw Titanic over and over again — but they never saw those legs, on the left. Kate Winslet was pissed about being trimmed down on this cover, saying:

"The retouching is excessive. I do not look like that and more importantly I don't desire to look like that. I actually have a Polaroid that the photographer gave me on the day of the shoot… I can tell you they've reduced the size of my legs by about a third. For my money it looks pretty good the way it was taken."

1. Ralph Lauren Blue Label ad, October 2009
In which model Filippa Hamilton was turned into a string of spaghetti.

Earlier: Oprah's Favorite Things 2007: The Audience Freaks Out!

With a small but symbolic cross-section of critics having reported at Rotten Tomatoes, Bride Wars has inspired the first — and what may prove the most vicious, depending on how that Towelhead sequel is coming along — beatdown of 2009. A sampling to date:

· "Kate Hudson and Anne Hathaway, who play the would-be brides, are good actors and quick-witted women, here playing characters at a level of intelligence approximating HAL 9000 after he has had his chips pulled." — Roger Ebert, Chicago Sun-Times

· "Bride Wars pretends to be a satire of wedding mania, but since there's virtually nothing else to the movie, the satire comes depressingly close to endorsement." — Owen Gleiberman, Entertainment Weekly

· "A crass, despicably sexist piece of Hollywood trash." — Josh Bell, Las Vegas Weekly

· "Will make you hate brides." — Victoria Alexander, FilmsInReview.com

· "The most lamentable thing about the dismal Bride Wars is the total absence of fatalities." — Nick Schager, Slant Magazine

Dammnnnn. The glass-half-full observer in us takes solace from that last, scorching rebuke from one of our '08 Listy winners, but the other half worries that Hathaway's Best Actress Oscar hopes for Rachel Getting Married may find the bad-taste brick wall too tall to climb by late February. We hope we're wrong, but if the wedding dress is the new fatsuit, here's also hoping that lovely new Golden Globe will suffice.

• 'Bride Wars' [Rotten Tomatoes]

Kate explained that Anne is her costar in Bride Wars, and Letterman quipped, "She's nice, isn't she? I think her old boyfriend is in prison." Kate tried to change the subject and tactfully maneuver around Letterman's jabs, but admitted that she watched when he grilled Anne about Follieri. "I was like, 'Oh, you're giving it to her," Kate told Letterman. And just when things seemed to die down, Letterman mentioned how Follieri dressed up as the Pope. Clip above.

Earlier: Letterman Grills Anne Hathaway About Her Jailbird Ex

Granted, it's not what either starlet likely craves, with the Alliance of Women Film Journalists singling out Hudson as 2008's Actress Most in Need Of A New Agent and Olsen as the female half of this year's Most Egregious Age Difference Between Leading Man and Love Interest — duly noting her tryst with Sir Ben Kingsley in The Wackness. Katherine Heigl represents as well, with 27 Dresses entering the organization's Hall of Shame, and The Women and Mamma Mia! sharing the honor of being the Movie You Wanted To Love But Just Couldn‘t.

The AWFJ had the requisite list of conventional awards as well — not nearly as fun, featuring another Best Picture win for Slumdog Millionaire and Best Director Danny Boyle. Actress frontrunner Sally Hawkins split her prize with Kate Winslet (for both Revolutionary Road and The Reader), while Doubt's Viola Davis broke Penelope Cruz's streak for Best Supporting Actress. Sean Penn and Heath Ledger, naturally, won the men's acting hardware.

Elsewhere:

· In what could only have been the most fractious of voting environments, the hometown story Milk all but swept last night's San Francisco Film Critics Circle awards, taking Best Picture, Director, Screenplay and splitting Penn's Best Actor prize with Mickey Rourke. Hawkins and Ledger continued their runs as well, with Marisa Tomei sneaked in as Supporting Actress for The Wrestler.

· St. Louis's film-critic group chose The Curious Case of Benjamin Button for Best Picture, nevertheless recognizing Boyle for his Slumdog direction. Acting accolades went to Penn, Winslet, Ledger and Davis.

· And the more casual, Craigslist-assembled club known as the San Diego Film Critics Society honored Slumdog, Boyle, Rourke, Winslet, Ledger and Tomei in their big six categories. Congrats to all. Again.

And that's not even counting the four Oscar winners on display: Nicole Kidman, Sophia Loren, Marion Cotillard and Dame Judi Dench. And look at Kate Hudson! Even the PA's get to be all dressed up on this movie! Dec. 11, 2009, can't come soon enough!

• Notes from the 2008 American Film Market: Part One [FilmJerk via TFE]

Boomp3.com

A couple of fiendish film flashers got their Halloween jollies in a day early as they spooked spectacular sassy screen star Kate Hudson at popular celeb hangout, LAX. The fiends wore spooky burlap sacks over the faces and shouted scary phrases like “Boo!” and “John McCain won the election!” while jumping out in front of the Raising Helen star.

[Photo Credit: WENN]

*A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

It's like a perfect storm of Cosmo approved clichés, so it's sort of not surprising that in the past year or so, Kate Hudson has appeared on the cover of pretty much every women's magazine under the sun, including W, Vogue, Harper's Bazaar, and of course, Cosmo. But it's not like Bride Wars is Hudson's first dip into the tasteless end of the cinematic pool.

On his blog Hollywood Elsewhere, movie critic Jeffery Wells says plainly, Kate Hudson has no taste. Though we all loved her as charming, winsome Penny Lane in Almost Famous, Wells asks, "Is there another actress out there whose name on a movie poster is a more reliable assurance you're going to have a dispiriting or lousy time in a theatre (or in your living room)?" Most recently it's been this terrible looking Bride Wars and the Dane Cook-co-staring fiasco My Best Friend's Girl, but in the years leading up to those dim bulbs, You, Me and Dupree,, The Skeleton Key, and How To Lose a Guy in Ten Days.

And Hathaway, despite a commanding performance in Rachel Getting Married, you're not off the hook either. Wells notes that her three most recent movies have had something to do with weddings: Rachel, Bride Wars, and according to MTV, now she's just signed on to do a film called The Fiance, about "a woman on the verge of walking down the aisle, who decides to cancel her wedding and dump her seemingly perfect fiance. She wants to figure out who she really is, and what she wants out of life. But unfortunately for her inner journey, her meddling parents attempt to patch things up between the couple, and she can’t move on."

Seriously? I know there is a dearth of good scripts out there for young actresses, but come on, Anne. I expected more from you. Kate I'm pretty sure has no talent, but you can actually act. Bride Wars comes out in January of next year, so at least we have a few months respite before the deluge of idiocy.

Saints Protect Us [Hollywood Elsewhere]
The Girl Has No Taste [Hollywood Elsewhere]
Anne Hathaway Has A New ‘Fiance’ [MTV]

Boomp3.com

Potential Los Angeles Clippers savior Baron Davis was spotted leaving an event with Kate Hudson on Monday night. Before hoping into his SUV, Hudson jokingly told the baller that if he had signed with the Lakers he could have probably partied with even bigger celebrities like Cloris Leachman or Angelina Jolie. David politely told Hudson that there was nobody bigger than her, then bit his thumb and thought about all the fun he could be having if he wore purple and gold.

[Photo Credit: X17]

*A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

How you suddenly went from a cute, perky blonde ingénue to a shrill, talentless flop is puzzling, but we have a feeling the downward spiral began when you took on the gem that was Fool's Gold, in which you reprised your stale dynamic with co-star Matthew McConaughey. Okay, so the film did decently, pulling in $70 million stateside. But it was the film that officially marked you as a romantic foil. You've made a habit out of banking on your hunky co-stars - even doubling up with the Wilson brothers by taking Owen in You, Me, and Dupree, and Luke in Alex and Emma. No longer are you the enticing, independent Penny Lane we once knew who wanted to establish her own identity as an actress. Instead, you seem more interested in raising your dating profile by serving as Lance Armstrong's last blonde-of-the-month.

And we're not the only ones who are upset. Your poor career choices have also angered film blogger Jeffrey Wells, who has some harsh words for you:

When was the last time you saw a trailer for a Hudson movie and said to yourself, "Hey, wow...that one looks good." I've been saying the exact opposite for about five years now. ... It can be assumed she's not Albert Einstein. And it's just a shame. ... Her name is synonymous with mediocrity and ditziness. What are the odds of a director of serious calibre ever offering Hudson a role as good as Penny Lane again? Next to nil at this point.

Ouch, girlfriend. And now comes news that you were acting holier-than-thou towards Anne Hathaway on the set of your latest project Bride Wars? If we may, perhaps copping an attitude with the girl who might save your next film isn't your best move.

• Lady Has No Taste [Hollywood Elsewhere]

WHAT'S NEW: The first genuine Oscar-chasing release of the fall, The Duchess will likely split its viewership between pro- and anti-Keira Knightley factions before anyone bothers to acknowledge its broader, bodice-ripping appeal. So yes, Team Knightley: She deftly portrays Georgiana, Duchess of Devonshire, the late-18th-century heroine with the bitterly controlling husband (Ralph Fiennes), the rabble-rousing side dish (Dominic Cooper) and a surfeit of corsted, pre-feminist longing. The star and the film are beautiful, the direction assured and the awards-season creds affirmed — particularly Fiennes', whose customary wretchedness as the Duke acquires a kind of fascinating tenderness with age. If anyone should be on the Oscar bubble (besides the art and costume crew, which are locks), it's him.

Still, in limited release, Duchess isn't competing for any box-office glory; that distinction belongs to Lakeview Terrace, the not-entirely-miserable Neil LaBute thriller featuring Samuel L. Jackson as a sociopathic cop out to get the hot interracial couple next door (Patrick Wilson and Kerry Washington). Against sturdy holdovers (Burn After Reading, The Family That Preys) and middling newbies (the Dane Cook slog My Best Friend's Girl, Ricky Gervais's leading-man debut Ghost Town), Lakeview will top out at $15.6 million. Cook will follow with $13.2 million; with half the screens and even less promotion, Ghost Town should still manage an even $6 million.

Also opening: Ed Harris's old-old-school Western Appaloosa; Chris Smith's tiny, acclaimed Indian excursion The Pool; the gay-conversion melodrama Save Me; the wrenching immigrant day-in-the-life tale Take Out; and the Duchess-correcting, misogynist fantasia The Pink Conspiracy.

THE BIG LOSER: You know, after we just predicted the Weinsteins would once again find their step in the multiplex, trust in Harvey to not only dump another subpar animated fairy tale on an unsuspecting public, but to essentially disown it. Such is Igor's lot, with its backers AWOL, its reviews tepid, and its voice talent (John Cusack, Molly Shannon, Steve Buscemi) trapped in a Straight-to-Flopz™ patchwork about a hunchback pursuing his dream of becoming a mad scientist. MGM is left to collect the grosses for this one, which won't break $5 million on 2,300 screens. Or, as they call it at Weinstein HQ, business as usual.

THE UNDERDOG: As members of the privileged few to have seen Hounddog in its spectacularly atrocious Sundance '07 cut ("It was unfinished!", the director screams), we long doubted not only the film's release potential, but also the redeemability of those souls who actually made it. But fair is fair, and while the reedited Hounddog remains the infamous Dakota Fanning Rape Movie — full of overripe Southern hokum comprising snakes, magical Negroes, Elvis worship and borderline inbreds — it has since obtained a sort of culty, gunpowder gloss embracing all of its wrecked potential. It's finally refined its badness enough to be good, even serviceable for at least an hour, with Fanning's vulnerability dynamically intact opposite the predatory, 'shine-swilling archetypes around her. Bonus points, however, to David Morse, whose full-retard debasement here must be seen to be believed.

FOR SHUT-INS: It's Celebrity Bomb Week among new DVD releases, including Mike Myers's stroppy folly The Love Guru; the Wachowski abortion Speed Racer; the Pacino pratfall 88 Minutes; Patrick Dempsey's rom-com Made of Honor; and at not-so-long last, the complete first season of Chuck. Aw, NBC — you shouldn't have! No, really. You shouldn't have.

So what's your Top 3? Is it a Keira weekend, or is Officer Sam pulling your ass over? And how's our math, anyway? Clear your calendars and call your shots — you're among friends here. Even you, Harvey!

To prepare for steamy kissing scenes with bombshell leading ladies such as Hudson, [Jessica] Alba and [Jessica] Simpson, Cook says he's developed a tradition. Before production begins, he nonchalantly asks his co-stars what's their favorite flavor of gum or mint. Hudson's pick? Lifesavers Pep-o-Mint. Stormy breath aside, such scenes still make Cook giddy.

"You tend to go back to how you felt when you were in high school," says Cook. "Even though you're professional actors, you come to those scenes wondering things like: Are you going to be mad if I kiss you? Do I put my hands on the small of your back or can I go lower? Is that too low? Can you draw a map of where I can touch you?"

If such a map exists for any or all of the above-mentioned starlets, we would love to see it — particularly Simpson's, a stick figure with specifically delineated "Romo-Zones" below the waist and a contractually obligated 25-foot proximity to Joe Simpson at all times. A girl can never be too careful

• Dane Cook tries again to cook on the big screen [AP]

• 'My Best Friend's Girl' [IMDB]
• 'Mr. Fix It' [IMDB]

The Almost Famous Oscar nominee is accused of making a verbal deal to promote a line of hair products for a Los Angeles company, 220 Laboratories, featuring volcanic ash from the Vanuatu Islands in the South Pacific.

According to a 17-count lawsuit filed in Los Angeles Superior Court, Hudson and her partners took the secret ingredient list to a competitor who could make the shampoos and conditioners more cheaply.

Since then she has promoted the new line, David Babaii for Wildaid, as eco-friendly products in a video, on television and in interviews.

Things may look grim for Hudson, but wait! The defense calls Matthew McConaughey to the stand! Sure, he may be Hudson's prosecuting attorney, but the two have a rich romantic history that will hopefully exonerate the actress. "Aw, I just can't stay mad at ya, Katie," he drawls, and the case is dismissed. Out of order? No, you're out of order. This entire goddamn system is out of order!

[photo credit: AP]

• Kate Hudson faces lawsuit after hair care company gets into a lather and accuses actress of 'stealing' ingredients [Daily Mail]

Boomp3.com

All heck broke loose at LAX on Tuesday afternoon when Kate Hudson entered a terminal with sweaty pits. One onlooker remarked, "I had always heard that celebrities were supposedly regular people like you and me, but never in my wildest dreams did I imagine that they would go out in public without applying a little anti-perspirant." Another onlooker, a self-described "excessive sweater", appreciated seeing a fellow sweater living their life to the fullest.

[Photo Credit: Flynet]

*A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

Boomp3.com

Seeking a cure for her Olympic fever, Kate Hudson and her young son Ryder took the beaches of Manhattan Beach for a serious game of beach volleyball. The mother/son duo eventually managed to get a pick-up game going with two of the members of the paparazzi, but the matchup quickly proved to be lopsided. She hadn't properly accounted for Ryder's small stature and lack of mental focus — when he wasn't busy wandering off and attempting to swim in the ocean, he consistently hit the ball into the lower portion of the net. However, the Hudsons soldiered on with their game, ultimately losing to the Flynet crew 21 - 3.

[Photo Credit: Flynet]

*A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

1. Graphics:
Whoever photoshopped our poster must have done so at taser point with 3 minutes to fulfill their hostage takers deranged obligations. They should have called Donnie Hoyle and had him give a tutorial using "You Suck at Photoshop" templates. This is so glossy it makes Entertainment Weekly look wooden.

2. My head:
The left side of my face seems to be melting off of my skull. I guess I am looking directly into the Ark of the Covenant? Are they going for the bells palsy [sic] thing here? My left side looks like Brittany Spears' [sic] vagina. ...

6. Flesh:
It's no secret that I'm more rugged facially due to a drunken visit by the teen acne fairy, but according to this poster I've got perfect porcelain flesh. I look like the fuckin' bathroom floor at Caesars Palace. One of Marie Osmond's dolls would look at me and say "shit ... that guys got flawless skin!"

Then there's the omission of Alec Baldwin ("so fucking funny in this movie!"), the Kate Hudson Mannequin Factor, Jason Biggs's flowers... The list goes on, but our own, three-person Poster Adjudication Board sides unanimously with Lionsgate brass who made their own private appeal this morning at Defamer HQ: "We don't know what he's complaining about. He knew when he signed on that we were planning a shit movie with shit art. He was like, 'Yeah, like Good Luck Chuck, no problem.' It's a Kate Hudson movie! They can't all be Hostel. Fucking douchebag." Pretty much. Case closed.

• Dane Cook [MySpace via BWE]

In a rush to finish her grocery shopping, beloved actress Kate Hudson decided to sneak her shopping cart into the express lane at Whole Foods. Hudson knew that she was well over the item limit for the trendy organic market, but believed her trademark charm would allow her to get away with it. After scanning a few items, the Whole Foods cashier noticed that Hudson was going to be well over the express lane limit and stopped scanning. Hudson wondered what the problem was, but the cashier pointed to the sign above her post with the item limit and added, "I've scanned the express lane limit, ma'am." Hudson asked if the cashier could give her a mulligan this time around and that the next time, she'll wait in the regular line with everybody else. The cashier pensively thought for a moment, then returned to scanning items. The cashier said, "This is only because I loved Raising Helen."

Photo Credit: Flynet

*A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.