I work in the CNN building on Sunset and Cahuenga. This morning the lobby was full of the typical bleary eyed morning cubicle creatures, a delivery guy with a dolly full of office supplies, and Ashton Kutcher- wearing wrap around shades, kabbalah bracelet, and yakking loudly on his sidekick. The security guard from the front desk approached the crowd and requested that everyone allow "this gentleman to ride the elevator alone," meaning the guy with all the office supplies. Mr. Kutcher assumed that the guard meant for him to ride the elevator alone, and replied, "Oh no, don't worry man, i'm cool."

The guard looked a bit confused and told Demi's husband that he wasn't talking to him, to which Mr. Kutcher looked a bit confused and retreated to the corner of the lobby. The next elevator arrived moments later, all the cubicle creatures filed in, as well as Mr. Kutcher still yakking away on his sidekick.

Unfortunately for Kutcher, not even a dozen red string bracelets would be powerful enough to ward off being Punk'd by God, as He giggles sadistically, delivering orders into a microphone in an unmarked control room in the sky.

"She's tired of the way [Kabbalah leaders] kept hassling her for money," says a well-placed source. "Actually, it was mostly her mother's decision. They were always asking Britney to tithe [donate a percentage of her salary]. There was a lot of pressure, and finally her mom said, 'Enough is enough'."

We wouldn't be surprised if Lynn Spears' hand in Britney's divorce from Zohar study was merely a dry run for an even more financially crucial parting-of-the-ways to come—from perpetual tithe-seeking husband, Kevin Federline. Spears' practical and protective mother has a much clearer grasp on the the longterm fiscal ruin that can come from funding her useless husband's weed-fueled Ferrari adventures, to say nothing of the needless expense of stocking drinking water bottled at Kabbalah's exclusive spring source at the foot of Mount Heaven.

• Forget Kabbalah, Britney's baby is her religion [MSNBC.com]

I no longer study Kabbalah, my baby is my religion.

The news will undoubtedly throw Spears' maternity well-wishers into a gift shopping quandary; as we speak, a Kitson employee is politely explaining their no-return policy on all sale-priced, 'World's Cutest Kabbaby' onesies. Still, this revelation regarding her newly adopted faith goes a long way towards explaining many of Spears' recent, infant-related "mishaps," which could be reinterpreted in a new light as Abraham-like tests of faith ("Goest with thine SUV, fleeing thine paparazzi tormentors, with thine first born on thy lap...") from her higher power.

• Britney Spears Gives Up Kabbalah [Us Blog]
• [Britney Spears Official Site]

The string is not just red wool from the factory. It actually is taken to the West Bank, to the Tomb of Rachel, which is Palestine-operated. You have to take an armored bus and go in there with soldiers. It's a very dangerous area. And the string is actually blessed with students from the center in Israel. And there's meditations that we use to infuse the energy protection that comes from Rachel's tomb.

Warzones! Tombs! This red, inanimate object goes on an even more adventurous journey than The Red Balloon! By the time that little strand gets back to our shores, it doesn't just ward off evil-eye, it Krav Magas the crap out of it!

• Previously: Kabbalah Makes Power-Play For Oprah [Defamer]
• Hitch d: Ashton and Demi Do the Chupah Hustle [Defamer]

Madonna has been talking up the mystical form of Judaism to the already-spiritual talk-show queen for two years, in hopes that her fellow icon could help bring the Artist Occasionally Known as Esther's belief system to mainstream America, according to our source.

The U.K.-based pop star has sent Oprah books and E-mails about kabbala, a spy tells us, but Angela De Paul in Oprah's office told us she wasn't aware that her boss had received any of the red-string propaganda.

In a country where conservative Christians have shown their might in recent years, an endorsement of kabbala by Winfrey, who has 9 million loyal viewers, would have a powerful effect. Her seal of approval has boosted everything from book sales to her own upcoming Broadway musical, "The Color Purple."

Madonna knows that, and that's why she's chosen Oprah's show for her first interview since she took a tumble off a horse, our source says.

It's expected to be quite the dramatic scene: The pop queen's valets will wheel out the Erstwhile Material Girl in a solid-gold wheelchair; while the Big O fawns over her guest's jewel-encrusted neckbrace, Madonna will explain how Kabbalah can help Oprah burn the Paris Hermes store to the ground by teaching her to meditate on God's "righteous spiritual arson" name.

• Madge wants Oprah on kabbala team [NY Daily News]

Demi Moore, 42, and Ashton Kutcher, 27, got married Saturday night at a Beverly Hills home in a ceremony in front of more than 100 of their closest friends and family, according to several sources close to the couple. "It was very last minute," one guest told Us.[...]

Standing before a crowd that included actors Bruce Willis and Wilmer Valderrama, actress Lucy Liu, Moore's three daughters and their closest family and friends, the couple, followers of the ancient spiritual practice of Kabbalah, exchanged vows in a brief but traditional ceremony. "Most everyone was dressed formally," a source at the wedding told Us.

Details are just now beginning to trickle in:
· Instead of rice, guests showered the bride and groom with cans of red Silly String.
· Valderrama provided a stirring reading from his all-time favorite book, Choose Your Own Adventure #10: The Lost Jewels of Nabooti.
· Willis' post-reception speech evoked both laughter and tears, followed by a stunned, awkward silence when he accidentally referred to Kutcher as "the son-in-law he'd always hoped for."

We wish the happy couple a long, prosperous union, producing many jackal-headed spawn with which to enact the prophecies as foretold by the mystical Talmudic Numerology texts. L'chaim!

• Demi and Ashton Tie the Knot!!! [Us Weekly]
• Previously: Trade Round-Up: Kutcher And Willis Celebrate Shared Carnal Knowledge Of Demi Moore [Defamer]

The Kabbalah Centre is on Robertson Boulevard in an unimpressive building that, unlike the Celebrity Centre, seemed unworthy of its British spelling. But inside it had a much more modern, Ian Schragery feel with a gift shop selling candles, Fred Segal-level T-shirts and books about sex. And though there were no celebrities in sight, it was packed with hot Jewish women.

As I signed in for the free lecture on Tuesday and Thursday nights, Renit told me she liked my shirt. Then she looked at my questionnaire, where I put my date of birth, and wished me a happy birthday. I was ready to put little red strings around all my appendages.

I arrived at the small lecture room first. There were flowers on each table. Candles burned. "All You Need Is Love" played gently in the background. I felt relatively sure I was about to get a massage from a hot Jewish chick. I decided I would not say no if offered a Happy Shalom. [...]

Now that Stein has exhausted the career-advancing possibilities of Judaism, Scientology, and Kabbalah, the Gays should probably gird themselves for an unannounced visit. They shouldn't let any skinny guys in glasses into happy hour at the Abbey or cocktails at David Geffen's house without administering a full body-cavity search, just to make sure they won't be involved in oblique anal sex references and Queer Eye jokes in next week's Op-Ed section.

• A celeb-seeker's quest: Scientology brunch vs. hot Kabbalah women [LAT]

Before you break your Zohar out of mothballs and start casually dropping nonsense about your "God name" into conversations around the Chateau, this supposed resurgence could be a nonstarter—America's Favorite Non-Pedophile might start handing out red strings as sleepover party favors. Even L.Ron's kids don't want that guy hanging around their Centre.

• Kabbala is at the Centre of exposés [NY Daily News]


• Inside Hollywood's Hottest Cult [Radar]


• The King of Kabbalah? [MSNBC]

• Seeing red? Not on Ashton Kutcher’s wrist [MSNBC]

• Like a virgin again! [News of the World UK]

• 22 VOLUME SET KABBALAH HC ZOHAR [eBay]

Lindsay Lohan, on the other hand, is once again yammering about how totally, 100-percent, like, real her breasts are. Did she mention they're not fake?

“I developed very late in high school,” the Mean Girls star tells Cosmo Girl. “When I was 16, I still had baby fat. I didn’t get my chest until I was 17, so that made me feel insecure. I used to feel like I had to stuff my bra.”

She's really doing the readers of Cosmo Girl a disservice by coming up with these elaborate stories to explain away her sudden "blossoming." She should be preparing them for the realities of life in terms the kids can understand. Like using tales of the Breast Fairy, whom little girls who want big girl careers visit in his castle in Beverly Hills.

• The Scoop (second item) [MSNBC]


• HPWSE: Paris, Lindsay, And The Curious Case Of The Disappearing Sidekicks [Defamer]

[Photo: RickRoss.com]

• Housing of the holy (fifth item) [NY Daily News]
• 
  
• Photos of Madonna’s mentors mansions on-line [CultNews.com]

And, in a related note, we're still waiting for the Kabbalah Centre to send us our personal 72 Name.

• What Does Kabbalah Smell Like? Light A Candle And Find Out [Defamer]
• Fun With Kabbalah: Finding Your Personal 72 Name [Defamer]

• Finding Your Personal 72 Name [www.72.com]


• What Does Kabbalah Smell Like? Light A Candle And Find Out [Defamer]