Follow the action from last night's episode in nine easy steps (if you have a hard time reading the panels, click on the "Full Size" link underneath to see a larger version). This week, Stacie the bartender and Kristin travel to Vegas, Justin Bobby gets a booty call, and Spencer is the one who gets fucked when Heidi tries to get pregnant.

That's right, she's been weaving fairy tales for little Enzo next door, and entertaining him when she's not using him to manipulate others or completely ignoring him because she's fighting with her mess of a husband. Let's listen to what our little Snow White tells the kid while they're hanging out in her glass coffin.

"There was once a pretty, pretty princess who lived in a far away land called Realitytelevasia. She had long hair and was really thin and dreamed of having a recording contract. Her name was Heidi, and one day she met a magical traveling salesman, Spencer. He had blond hair and a bad attitude and he told Princess Heidi that he could make all her dreams come true. They got married and moved to the jungle with a bunch of other princes and princesses, but they hated it there, so they left and claimed that they were abused so that people wouldn't think they were stupid.

When they got back to Realitytelevaisa, Princess Heidi found out that Spencer had some magical juice and it would give her babies and take all her troubles away. But if he gave up the juice, then Spencer would be trapped with Princess Heidi for life and he would have to give up all the fun things he loved like drinking 40s, hanging with his bros, and hitting golf balls in the back yard. So, one day he snuck out of his glass castle in the sky and went to go see an evil ogre who he thought could turn the juice off. He said that he could, but it would be very painful and he would ruin Salesman Spencer's goods for life, and that he would never get his juice back again.

He thought about how mad Princess Heidi would be if he shut the juice off for good, because an ancient curse said that if she didn't have the juice by the time she was 30, then she would turn into an awful screaming wombat and would eat Salesman Spencer limb from limb. He left the ogre and went back to the glass castle and when he saw Princess Heidi she was with her favorite munchkin who had been following Salesman Spencer all along. The muchkin told the princess about the trip to the ogre and she got very upset. "What do you mean you want to your juice to dry up? I want the juice!" she screamed. "I want you to have the juice, and I would love to give it to you," Spencer said, "but not now." "Give me the juice! I must have it! I must spawn!" she screamed as her voice lowered an octave and she grabbed onto shirt shaking him. "No, you can't have the juice," he said.

"You will give me the juice!" Princess Heidi ordered, waving her magic want at Spencer's crotch. From it grew an enormous vine that went all the way up into the clouds. Princess Heidi climbed all the way up to the top of the vine hoping to find a pot of magical baby juice for her to drink, but it wasn't there.

Instead, she found a poor washerwoman named Kristin, who told Princess Heidi that she was dating a prince, but he got turned into a frog by his ex-girlfriend the Awful Audrina. Now Washerwoman Kristin was lonely. But she found a new prince named Brody. They had danced at a ball a few times, and the prince had been held captive for many years by a tranny troll named the Jayde Dragon. Prince Brody had finally escaped the dragon's clutches and had run for the washerwoman.

Kristin loved the prince more than she loved separating whites from darks and wanted very much to marry the Prince so she's never have to wash again. She demanded to go visit with the Queen, the prince's mother. The queen has been placed under a magic spell that permanently made her skin brown, her lips plump, her hair blonde, and her waist thin. To make the spell work, she had sold all of her brains personality. But the spell did work, but when Kristin tried to talk to her, all she did was giggle and drool on herself from inside her hollow plastic shell. But the Queen gave her consent to the Prince's union with the washerwoman, even though the Prince still had to agree.

They left her palace and went to a ball in a magical land where woman hang from hoops in the sky and there are tiny little jugs of ale that make all the men and women beautiful and make them misbehave spectacularly. Just as the Prince and WW Kristin were starting to get close, the Jayde Dragon flew in with her minions. "How dare you get close to my man," she bellowed as fire came out of her mouth. "Get the fuck out of here with your minions," the washerwoman said. But the Jayde Dragon has the shape of a woman and the strength of a man, so she did not listen. She just shoved her tiny talons at the Washerwoman and tried to pluck her eyes out.

But suddenly the Prince got on his steed and rode away. It seems that, even though he lives in the great kingdom of Realitytelevasia he is deathly allergic to drama. His eyes start to puff up and his throat starts to close when he was exposed to it. When the epic battle between the Jayde Dragon and poor washerwoman Kristin broke out, it sent him into a life-threatening attack. The next morning, he realized how weak he looked and went to get his knickers cleaned at Kristin's house. He told her that he was done with the Jayde Dragon and her evil clutches for good, but he had to be with someone who could keep him free from the evil stench of dangerous drama for the rest of his life. Kristin thought that might be a problem, especially since Frog Justin Bobby was about to be ribbiting in her doorway again.

As this was happening, Frog Justin Bobby was sharing a meal with the Awful Sorceress Audrina, who derives all her strength from her tiny little eyes. They used to be a couple, but the sorceress tired of his well-coiffed beauty and cast him back into the world for other women to claim. But once they had him, she wanted him back. It's always the way with those magical sorceresses. Glinda was the same way! So, to keep him from dating washerwoman Kristin, she put a curse on Prince Justin and turned him into a frog. Kristin sent him back to the sorceress to be fixed, and she turned him back into a man, and gave him a shave and a haircut for good measure.

But now that he was returned to his true shape, he didn't want to stay with Awful Audrina anymore. He wanted to be back with Kristin, because he would much rather be with someone crazy who lives by the sea than someone who is crazy and lives not by the sea. He's a surfing prince, and he needs to be close to the waves. So he tells Awful Audrina that her hexes will not work on him anymore, and, even if he is still a frog, he is going to hop back to the ocean to be with Kristin.

She slams down her magic wand and says, "Fine!" and then hops on her broom to fly off into the sunset. All the way she cries tears, beautiful magical tears that Princess Heidi collects in a bucket. They are even more powerful than the juice of any traveling salesman, and she will use those tears to create a life of happiness for herself and all the creatures of Realitytelevasia.

We got a hold of Heidi Montag's shopping list for supplies her big night. You can't imagine the things this girl ordered.

• 50 clear plastic cups for drinking wine
• 2 bags of Cool Ranch Doritos that none of the girls will touch but Brody and his cohorts will eventually throw at each other
• 40 40s, because Spencer and Brody will both be there, and they can do some serious damage
• 1 cantaloupe, because Stephanie is still on that strange diet and that is all she eats
• A tarp to put down in the driveway. That is where Kristin is going to confront Audrina about Justin Bobby, and we don't want any blood on the pavement
• 2 mops, one for each of the PAs who will have to mop up the blood
• Don't worry about picking up daggers, Audrina will bring them and shoot them out of her eyes when Kristin tells her that it must hurt "as a woman" that Justin Bobby said he was never together with her
• 1 pair of rubber gloves, because I don't want cooties when I have to pick up Kristin's chin from the ground after Audrina tells her that she and Justin have been hanging out.
• 20 tins of Cesar dog food, because it is the most expensive and someone tells me that I'm getting some puppies for my birthday
• A Karnac hat for Spencer, because he's been predicting the future. First he said that Kristin and Audrina would fight if I invited them both to my party, then he said that our kids would turn out all fucked-up. He's amazing
• Nametags, because Spencer has a friend Spencer and that is just confusing. Also, are was supposed to call Stacie "the bartender" or "Kristin's Friend?" And why are we still calling Justin Bobby "Audrina's Ex-boyfriend" when he's supposedly dating Kristin
• 1 athletic cup for Justin Bobby, because Kristin is pissed and coming for his nuts
• Estrogen for Jayde, even though she's not around, she needs her hormones, and I have a feeling we're going to be seeing her again soon. Spencer told me, and he is like a deck of Tarot cards with blond hair
• Airplane glue for when Enzo comes over. He and Spencer just love making models together. They are so cute
• 1 large cage, because if my drunk sister Holly shows up at my party (which she is not invited to!) we are keeping her away from the booze
• Streamers!
• 1 whip to go with Justin Bobby's Indiana Jones hat
• A Justin Bobby to English dictionary so that we will all know what "What's wrong with you. Slow it down. Cruise," means
• Some Common Sense Shampoo, so that Audrina and Kristin will wash Justin Bobby right out of their hair. First he told Kristin he was never with Audrina, then told Audrina he was never with Kristin and they both fall for that trick. Oh, that reminds me
• New tricks for Justin Bobby, who treats every girl badly in exactly the same way
• 3 pregnancy tests to find out whether the "replace my birth control pills with PEZ and hope Spencer doesn't notice" trick worked
• 12 DiGiorno pizzas for the cameramen, because they get so hungry and light me badly when they're hungry

We have a feeling that if this secondary character from this Malibu-based show—where people talk about a party, go to a party, and then talk about what happened at a party—actually went to rehab it would sound something like this:

Hi, everyone. My name is Holly, and I'm an alcoholic. (Hi, Holly!)

I don't really know where to start. I guess everything started to unravel when I was at this party on the beach at this girl Kristin's house. I showed up, and the first thing I did was make a cocktail, even though there was this girl, Stacie, hanging out there and she is a professional bartender. Why can't she make my Jack and Coke? Kristin is bitching because she is dating this guy, Justin Bobby. I don't know, maybe you heard about him? He was supposed to come to the party but texts and says he can't come and Kristin is pissed and bitching out it. So, of course I start drinking, because how else are you going to deal?

Then this guy Brody, who I always thought was really hot, but he said he won't date me because I don't have a drag queen name, he shows up with all his boys and they're drinking 40s. Now this is a party. I talk to Brody for a bit and I'm all like "Why are you still with that tranny?" And he's like, "I don't know. She thinks I want to bone Kristin and I'm all, 'She's just a friend.' Now Jayde won't come." The stress of this makes me want to drink even more, until Jayde shows up and Brody starts to pay attention to her. That's when I think it's a good idea to start dancing. I love dancing when I drink and I just flail about and everyone stares at me and I love the attention.

Brody still won't look at me, he's inside talking to Jayde, and he's happy that she's there for a minute, but that she was really drunk and Brody said she drank a whole bottle of Jaegger, but I know that's a lie, because I drank most of it trying to get the "courage" to dance. They get in a fight and Jayde barges past Justin Bobby (have you heard of him?) as he shows up at the party. I'm looking for a half-full 40 that doesn't have any cigarette butts in it and I hear Kristin talking to Justin (she's heard of him, all right) and he's all, "Wasn't my joke text really funny." And Kristin was like, "I don't get the joke. Why did you have to say that. Why not just show up." And he's like, "Cause it's funny." I must have passed out behind the bar and I said "Isss na funny, Justin Bobby. You're na funny a tall!"

Then some girl with a clip board and a camera crew gave me another 40 and told me to go back in the kitchen and they had the same conversation all over again. I thought it was a dream, like I was so drunk that I was hallucinating that our lives were some kind of television show and that I had played my part for the day and it was time to break character and go home, but I couldn't, because the character is me. I kept trying to say this to Stacie, the bartender, and she just gave me another drink and picked a wad of gum out of my hair and called me a cab. I bet in the morning that bitch Stacie woke up and made a drink before she even had her Cinnamon Toast Crunch and then went out on the beach and told Kristin that I have a drinking problem.

The next day, my sister, Heidi, and her sister-in-law, Stephanie, called me over to Heidi's house. I was so glad when I got there that Heidi wasn't "babysitting" for the child actor that she calls Enzo that she hires every so often to try to convince her husband that it's a good idea to have kids. Enzo is real annoying, and he makes me feel guilty for putting Jameson in my coffee because he says, "My mommy does that too!"

They try to give me some sort of inner tension? Inbetweener? Something where they tell me not to drink. Stephanie is all "rehab saved me life," and I wanted to be all "it didn't stop you from getting a DUI last week, biatch. SNAP!" but I didn't. I let Holly tell me she's concerned about me. We both started crying. I'm not sure why. I just don't like it when everyone pays attention to me and I'm sober. I needed a drink and a dance break something bad. But then Stephanie said I had to go to rehab, I couldn't deal with it. Like I said, I wanted a drink and a dance, so I stormed out and flipped them the bird on the way out.

I went next door to Enzo's mom's house and she was waiting on the front porch with a martini in hand. "Trust me, sister. I know just what you need." And she held open the door as I walked in and collapsed on the couch. "With extra olives!" I said, because I hadn't eaten breakfast and my sunglasses were making my neck sore, so it had to be time to feed.

Maybe it was the booze or maybe because I hadn't had anything but those two olives and three Tic-Tacs in a week, but I must have passed out. I had a dream that Jayde started another fight with Brody, telling him that she thinks he has feelings for his ex, Kristin, and that means that he does. Even when he denies it, she turns his denial all around and confuses him and makes him think that he's in love with Kristin. Brody is hot, but it's pretty easy to convince him of just about anything.

Suddenly, I bolted awake, or at least I thought I did. I don't know, maybe I was still dreaming. I had been stripped naked and was tied to a bed and a bunch of old people in robes were circled around me chanting. There was a star in a circle painted in dark red on the comforter and all this crazy shit on the walls. Everyone was naked and Brody was standing next to me, he was naked too and looked good but he said "Quiet, Holly, just go back to sleep. Everything is going to be OK." They were all holding candlesl. Justin Bobby—I know you've heard of him—he tightened the restraints as everyone was getting closer to the bed and kept saying that I looked so much like this girl Rosemary, but I never heard of her. And then Spencer, my brother-in-law came in and tried to have sex with me. He said that Heidi wasn't right to carry his baby, no matter how much she wanted it, and I was the one who was going to give birth to the anti-freeze, the anti-climax, I don't know, it was anti-something and this dream was freaking me out.

When I woke up, back at my place in a pair of tattered jeans with chucks of my smashed sunglasses still in my hair, I knew it was time to get clean. I never thought that rock bottom would be filled with so many naked people and a very strange altar in my sister's neighbor's basement, but it lead me here, so it must have been the will of God, or some other dignitary.

Thanks for listening.

It is not a sex tape of him with ex-girlfriend Audrina Patridge or current girlfriend Kristin Cavallari, but the video is some strange footage of Holly Montag drunkenly dancing at an art opening. That's almost as good. But the real scandal will come from the contents of his text message mailbox.

From Lo: That she's over you. I told you shaving the beard wasn't enough.
To Lo: Whatever, I'll show that bitch.

To Kristin: Lo says you say that you're over me. What gives?
To Kristin: Are you going to text me back? Hello! Just because you're in Laguna Beach doesn't mean you don't have to respond.
To Kristin: Fine, don't text back. I bet you're talking to your dad about me right now. He probably doesn't even care about me or Brody or Jayde or any of this.
To Kristin: Your dad blows. He's not a real Italian unless he has it tattooed on his chest. Tell him that!

From Spencer: Dude, Holly is wasted again. I told you you should have come to this party. Now she's dancing like a fool.
To Spencer: Haha. That's awesome. I'm on my way. I need a video of this.

To Holly: Hey, you drunk bitch, I'm gonna come take a video of you dancing drunk.
From Holly. U Betr not. And im nots a drnk bbitch. Fyck yoo.

To Kristin: Why haven't you texted back. That's it, I'm coming to your house.
From Kristin: Please, don't come to my house.
To Kristin: Too late, I'm there already. I just let myself in. I'm cooking.
From Kristin: I bet you're cooking Italian. Haha. Are you really there cooking? That's creepy.
To Kristin: Looks like you're going to have to show up and find out.

To Audrina: I've been thinking about you.
From Audrina: Please stop. I'm out on a date.
To Audrina: With who? I'm going to come and find that dude and kill him. He's not as cool as me.
To Audrina: Does he have a motorcycle?
To Audrina: Or an Italia tattoo? Didn't think so.
From Audrina: Shut up, Justin.

To Derrick: Dude, Audrina's dating some other guy. I'm gonna find that dude and kick his ass. You gonna have my back.
From Derrick: Maybe you should be a little nicer to the guy. You're done with Audrina, right?
To Derrick: Yeah man, but not really. And I can't believe some guy thinks he's as cool as I am. I bet she's saying all these lies about me, like I steal CDs and stuff.
From Derrick: I bet it's not like that, man.
From Derrick: OK, she was out with me.
To Derrick: Haha. Don't lie just to calm me down.
From Derrick: No, I'm serious, it was me.
To Derrick: That is fucked up man. I'm glad I wasn't serious about kicking some guys ass, cause I could totally take you.
From Derrick: So, does that mean it's not cool to date your friend's ex?

From Specner: Hey man, want to come to Holly's intervention with me and Heidi?
To Spencer: Nah, that sounds boring.
From Spencer: No way, it's gonna be awesome. I bet as soon as she sits down, she orders a drink.
To Spencer: I'm totally selling that footage of her drunk I have on my phone.
From Spencer: You should. That shit is funny.
To Spencer: So, are you there? What happened?
From Spencer: She said she's gonna quit booze.
To Spencer: Yeah, right.
From Spencer: I know man, this is gonna be awesome. But maybe this will keep Heidi from bugging me about having kids for awhile.

To Kristin: I'm glad you forgave me last night for not going to Brody's party. I'm just jealous of you and Brody.
From Kristin: Well, I'm on my way over there now.
To Kristin: Even though I don't want a girlfriend, you can't bone him.
From Kristin: We're just friends, Justin. And you're not my boyfriend, you can't tell me what to do.
To Kristin: That's it, I'm texting Audrina.

To Audrina: Where are you?
From Audrina: I'm sitting on the deserted roof of a hotel surrounded by fairy lights. It's a completely natural setting. Where are you?
To Audrina: I'm on my way over.
From Audrina: Why? What do you have to say?
To Audrina: I don't know what to feel or say.
To Audrina: There is nothing better than Audrina Patridge.
From Audrina: OK, I'll see you soon. But if you smell like Kristin, I'm leaving.
To Audrina: Nah, baby, it's not like that. If I wanted a girlfriend, I would totally love you.

To Kristin: Haha. I'm hanging out with Audrina. How's Brody now?
From Kristin: Jesus, Justin. Grow up.

Audrina, we’re told, is fuming because she found out that her on-and-off lover, Justin [Bobby], and former BFF, L.C., hooked up behind her back...Supposedly, A-doll has been running around town trying to find out any info about the incident that Mister Bobby himself has supposedly confessed to. Lauren denies it, natch.

In fact, Conrad denied it today to In Touch, claiming, "These accusations are so crazy it's difficult for me to take them seriously. While my usual taste in guys isn't always perfect, I do prefer they shower regularly." Crisis averted? Not so much — now Patridge has taken to her own, product placement-choked blog to basically accuse Conrad of mascara-running crocodile tears:

I woke up this morning and it seems like just about every gossip magazine or blog has a story about Lauren hooking up with Justin.

I'm not sure what to believe. Though Justin and I have not been exclusive for quite some time, these rumors are very confusing and hurtful.

I can't comment on whether they are true or false.

While Patridge might simply be teasing an upcoming staged storyline on The Hills, it's also possible that Conrad went off-book, bedding Audrina's ex in a shocking, Stephanie Pratt-worthy about-face. Where's Whitney's shocked face when you need it?

[Photo Credit: AP]

• 
  EXCLUSIVE: The Rumors [Audrina Patridge]

1) Cheese Is Yum, But May Put Junk In Your Trunk!: As sidekick Lo notes, eating a whole bunch of cheese at once feels good. It tastes good, tends to be difficult to stop eating, and makes you smile. But! After making the decision to eat an entire chunk in one sitting, we learn that the act “is not gonna be good for my behind.” Duly noted.

2. How To Get Ahead By Getting Wasted!: As we know by now, Heidi Montag will do just about everything in her power to maintain her position as the youngest PR whiz in history (also known as the token office blonde, a la Cerie Xerox on 30 Rock), but Heidi's youth gifts her with the ability to drink on the job. And Methanie's response, naturally? "Working with drinks, that sounds real legit!"

3. How To Silence Those Pesky Voices In Your Head!: As the Pratt spawns ride along this road called life (aka the 101), the unblinking Spencer suddenly begins "Shush!"ing no one in particular. After Methanie reminds him that "you don't have to shush me when I'm not talking," he continues to do just that. Which leads us to the single most satisfying epiphany we've come to all season: Spencer is not just a slimy slut, but a slimy schizo!

• THE HILLS [MTV]

2. Puppies Are Cutest When Their Eyes Match Yours! After frenemies Audrina and Lauren adopt a brand new trendy Boggle (that's half boxer, half beagle to those of you out there who aren't cool enough to like, know already) to never take care of, Lauren notes how awesome it is when your puppy's eyes are the same color as yours! You know what else is awesome? The fact that this Boggle marks the third appearance of a puppy lovingly adored in the show's history, the first two having made their lovey dovey debuts briefly during the first season, never to be heard from or seen again. Are these poor things actor pets? Like Eddie on Frasier?

3. Guaranteed Way To Make Girls Leave A Room! Simple! First, repeat "La, la, la, la, la, la" in a flat monotone while simultaneously rolling your eyes. Second step? Be. Spencer. Pratt. In fact, scratch that. All one needs to do is Be. Spencer. Pratt.

• THE HILLS [MTV]

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