Gawker: defamer, junk

Ellen DeGeneres Eliminates The Bulge-Assessment Guesswork For 'The Bachelorette'

Seth — Tue, 03 Jun 2008 14:40:00 EDT

On last night's installment of The Bachelorette—ABC's envelope-pushing social experiment in which a houseful of horny male actors split their evenings between discovering each other's bodies and convincing a deeply deluded young woman that they are actually there to woo her—the remaining suitors were treated to a surprise field trip to The Ellen DeGeneres Show studio. There, they were grilled by the talk show host on what, exactly, they found so alluring about designated trophy-object DeAnna Pappas. (This proves especially challenging, as Pappas quite noticeably suffers from a congenital personality-deficiency that prevents her from doing or saying anything of interest beyond recalling the death of her mother.)

To DeGeneres's credit, she then dispenses with the niceties, and crystallizes what this dick-measuring pageant is really all about: All the bachelors were required to stand in a chorus line, then drop their pants for a package-scrutinizing contest featuring Ellen's own junk-isolating, cling-fit boxers. While it's difficult to make out on the video above, in 46-inch HD (and aided by DVR FreezeBulge™ technology), it became overwhelmingly obvious that Jesse, the wacky professional snowboarder, was master of the half-pipe in more ways that one. He therefore gets the Official Defamer Squeal of Approval; all other takers, including disconcertingly pinheaded frontrunner Jeremy, can now go home.

The Bachelorette [ABC]

Book: Sacha Baron Cohen Rendered Involuntarily Aroused By Ken Davitian's Fetid Taint

Seth — Tue, 08 Jan 2008 18:30:42 EST

Sometimes—particularly when we find ourselves creating topic tags like "Sacha Baron Cohen's Junk"—we are prone to having minor lightbulb moments, such as the one just moments ago in which it suddenly occurred to us that the Sweeney Todd star might be inordinately preoccupied with his own manhood. It having already been revealed that it was his idea to outfit his Adolfo Pirelli character with certain below-the-belt costuming enhancements, the NY Daily News delves even deeper into the British comedian's priapic self-fascination, discovering, among other Cohen-bone bits, the reason behind that strategically placed black bar in the Borat movie's climactic naked wrestling scene:

Kathleen Tracy reports in her new bio, "Sacha Baron Cohen: From Cambridge to Kazakhstan," that "the apparent adrenaline rush to survive under Davitian's ample weight" caused an awkward surge of blood toward one of Cohen's extremities.
The film was spared an NC-17 rating by that long, rectangular fig leaf.

At least we were spared a scene in which Borat visits a plastic surgeon to have a reverse circumcision performed "so Pamela Anderson won't think he's Jewish. [Cohen] dropped his pants," presenting his manhood for inspection, only to have the doctor recognize him from one of his earlier comic incarnations. "Wait! You're Ali G!" the doc exclaimed, ruining the whole scene.

Once again, Cohen's own notoriety proved to be his own worst enemy, as what could have easily become one of the movie's most memorable sequences wound up on the cutting-room floor, so to speak—and all because one savvy inverse-mohel was so familiar with the shlong-obsessed prankster's canon, he instantly recognized him the second he laid eyes on his patient's world famous package.

Sacha Baron Cohen pads his part [NY Daily News]

Secrets Of Sacha Baron Cohen's 'Sweeney Todd' Package Revealed!

Seth — Tue, 11 Dec 2007 19:15:06 EST

Of the many surprises in Sweeney Todd, Tim Burton's musical ode to early-Victorian cannibalism, the appearance of Sacha Baron Cohen as barber rival Adolfo Pirelli is one of the most pleasant: The British comedian ably tackles the part's considerable vocal challenges, and cuts a fine figure in a form-fitting, periwinkle dandy suit, beneath which protrudes a bulge even more distractingly prominent than the one poking out of Borat's signature neon nutthong swimwear. E Online's Planet Gossip caught up with the movie's costume designer to find out where nature ended and package-enhancing magic began:

"Oh, that was the real thing," Sweeney Todd's two-time Oscar-winning costume designer Colleen Atwood told me the other day with a giggle, but quickly admitting, "Yeah, we augmented."

No surprise, it was Cohen's idea to enlarge his manhood for the flick. Cohen's body-hugging pants were stuffed with "a little quilted thing."
Well, not so little. But Atwood said she hopes it comes off somewhat authentic. "We tried different materials and different sizes and positions," Atwood said with a laugh. "You kind of forget what you're doing, and you're just sort of looking at what looks the best. I like if a lot of people think it's real."

Needless to say, Cohen would have much preferred the true contents of his meat-pie-filling to remain a mystery—not so much out of vanity, but rather to preserve the integrity of his craft. For now that we know his basket was the product of Hollywood sleight-of-hand, the considerable sacrifices he has made being smothered beneath Ken Davitian's rancid anus could just as easily be mistaken for CGI trickery.

Sacha Baron Cohen's Big Bulge Surprise [Planet Gossip]