1.) Toes
Tyra had guests this week who get fake toenails put on.

And there were these idiots, who pay $65 a session to have their toes read.

2.) Mariah
She made the talk show rounds. She stumbled on Leno.

Then she went on Larry King Live, where she blinged out his logo.

And then smelled her tits.

Also, Larry serenaded her.

3.) "Where are you?"
Sex Rehab with Dr. Drew premiered this week. One of its cast members, Nicole Narain, was on The Joy Behar Show, where she answered Joy's question a little too literally.

4.) What happens when you slouch in Judge Judy's court.

5.) Cougars
The Insider is taking this taking this cougar thing way too far. Although, I do like the little glimpses of Wasilla townies we get.

Niecy Nash is now literally referred to as "the resident cougar," and for the past two weeks, she's been going on dates with younger men.

Is this supposed to be sexy? Chest stubble and exaggerated nipples?

It reminds me of when Homer got plastic surgery so that Marge wouldn't leave him for a younger man.

And his nipples cried.

6.) Heather from Rock of Love on It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia.
She played a hooker.

7.) Why did Sandals have to ruin a perfectly lovely song?

8.) Jon Gosselin implied that he's on the same professional level as Mary Hart.
And she didn't like it.

9.) Kirstie Alley on her coke days.

10.) Michelle Obama is fun.

1.) Jon Gosselin
I know it's nearly impossible that anyone in America managed to miss him since he was all over TV talking about how he doesn't want to be on TV anymore. On Monday on The Insider, Jon faced off with Nancy Grace. Later in the week, The Insider tried to propel that insanity by airing "footage you didn't see" from the event. Here, Jon admits that his earrings are CZs.


Jon also ran back and forth between The Insider and Entertainment Tonight, showing "bank statements" proving that he did not steal money from Kate.










However, even the correspondent on The Insider recognized that this one transaction receipt proves absolutely nothing.




2.) "I'm showing America how it works."
God, he's like the fountain of spoof.


3.) In other grossness: Tamerlane Phillips.
Remember two weeks ago when people didn't care about the Gosselins for four days because Mackenzie Phillips' rape and incest bombshell stole the show? Tamerlane Phillips misses those days.


4.) The best intervention ever, courtesy of It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia.





5.) Kaity Tong Drunk?
Speaking of interventions…sheesh.


This man-on-the-street from the story she was introducing is awesome.


6.) Shut up, Joy!


7.) People are still getting "The Rachel"?


8.) Does Kim know that wig hair doesn't grow back?


9.) Khloe Kardashian's 9 Carats


10.) WWWWD?
She would think WWJJD.

P.S.



P.P.S.

Ah, sad. The talented-ish Eric Roberts has stooped to doing the second season of the Starz Channel's awful series Crash. Based on the awful movie, the awful series features the awful Dennis Hopper as an awful man. The series also stars the awfully unfortunate Julie Warner, who was supposed to be an awful big star an awfully long time ago. [Variety]

Oh, fun. Amy Poehler has been tapped to star in Lunch Lady, a movie based on an upcoming series of graphic novels about a lunch lady who's a secret superhero. Sounds just about perfect for the crazed, whimsical Ms. Poehler. [THR]

Renee Zellweger has left CAA for the newly-formed superagency William Morris Endeavor. She's hoping for more Chicago and less New In Town. So are we. [Variety]

After a brief stumble, Conan O'Brien's Tonight Show ratings are back on top. So, that's over. [THR]

Michael Cunningham, the Pulitzer-winning author of The Hours, has just had a screenplay optioned. No, it's not some sweeping ladydrama. It's a horror movie about a newly-hot high school girl and her murderous, obsessive English teacher. Cunningham told reporters "While I was writing about Virginia Wolff, my mind was never far removed from the idea of girls in bikinis being hacked up by guys wearing hockey masks, and I vowed that if I ever had a good idea, I would write one of these scary movies." Which is kind of fun! And kind of weird. [Variety]

Who cares? We do! Joy Behar, often the lone voice of reason on The View (Whoopi is just too apathetic to be reasonable), will host her own primetime talk show on HLN (used to be Headline News) starting this fall. So you'll get her five days a week in the morning on The Clambake, and then seven days a week at night on The Joy Behar Show. The only way you could get more Joy Behar in your life is if she moved into your spare room. Would you like Joy Behar to move into your spare room? Because it's not out of the question. [THR]

The once-rising Brittany Murphy has joined the cast of Something Wicked, a thriller currently being shot in Oregon. She'll costar alongside John Robinson and Shantel VanSanten. Yes, the Shantel VanSanten. [THR]

Image via Getty

OK!
Disqualified once again for lack of gossip.
Grade: N/A (The price of fame.)

In Touch
"Brad's Intimate Texts To Jen" Brad and Jen are exchanging texts almost every day, on such intimate matters as whether or not Jen should cut her hair. She was thinking of cutting it short for summer, but thankfully, "He talked her out of it," says a friend, "He told her to just trim it and go blonder." Brad has finally revealed the real reason he left Jen, and it's not just because he was sleeping with Angie. He had bleached his hair, taken flying lessons, and gotten a tattoo, so obviously he was going through a midlife crisis. Now Brad feels like he's living a lie and is trapped with Angelina. Dr. Gilda Carle, who wrote an e-book on fidelity but doesn't treat the stars, said that Brad and Jen shouldn't rush to get back together. "Everything's changed, and he's had all these other experiences," says Carle, "she might not like that new guy that he is." Jen's the same person though, because she's just been thinking about how lonely she is and staring at her phone waiting for Brad to text. Next: Katie Holmes is going to Australia to film her new movie and she's excited to have some time to herself. However, Tom Cruise is upset because this hampers his ongoing plot to impregnate Katie, thus satisfying Suri's insatiable need for more siblings. Jon and Kate Plus 8 have a live-in nanny who is never shown on the TLC show. In closing, let it be known that the following people are dating: Cameron Diaz and Adam Levine of Maroon 5, Audrina Patridge and Chris Pine of Star Trek, Hayden Panettiere and 30-year-old British TV host Steve Jones, George Clooney and a chick named Amber.
Grade: D- (Five finger discount on grapes.)

Life & Style
It's [Not Really] On: The mag claims that Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart are "getting serious" because he introduced her to his parents... at his birthday dinner with other Twilight co-stars in attendance. But, they both ordered the same entree, so clearly they are soul mates. Also they're heading off to "romantic Italy" together, as that is where New Moon is filming next. Next: Angelina's back to "playing mom," after forcing Brad to become a full-time parent while she selfishly went to work on Salt. When the film wraps at the end of the month Brad will start filming his next film, Moneyball, and Angie will stay home with the kids. They've explained in the past that they take turns doing movies so one parent can stay with the kids, but an insider says, "she's unpredicable and restless," so she may take on a new project this summer and flake out on mom duty, "and Brad will once again have to put his career on hold to be with the kids." In a related sob story, Jennifer Aniston says she's "numb to falling in love." Actually, she said when you read a lot of romantic comedy scripts you get numb to the cliche falling in love story. But an insider says she's been trying to numb herself to falling in love as a defense mechanism, "when really, deep down, it's exactly what she wants." Also, Jen has betrayed Smartwater because she was photographed on set holding a tiny bottle of Poland Spring she probably picked up at the craft services table. In other news, Mark-Paul Gosselaar says he's not ashamed of his Saved By The Bell roots. "That image will stay with me for my entire career," he says, "but I'm not looking to shed the persona of Zack. I'm proud of the work I did." Dr. Rey channels Buffalo Bill again, asking, "Who has the best skin in Hollywood?" Michelle Trachtenberg, 23, has a flawless face, but Dr. Rey recommends microdermabrasion, a chemical peel, and laser skin surfacing for 22-year-old Lindsay Lohan. Kate Bosworth's stunning skin should be harvested and grafted onto Kirsten Dunst's face. (Fig. 1) Finally, Life & Style has determined that they give you more gossip for your recession buck than Us (Fig. 2) Hey, we'll be the judge of that, Life & Style.
Grade: D (Markdown on pantyhose.)

Us
"Mom To Monster" The before and after picture of Kate Gosselin Us ran last week was a hit, so they decided to use it again for this week's cover. Kate has "cut a swath of terror" by refusing to speak to Jon this weekend at the kids' birthday party when the cameras weren't rolling, having a TLC-financed makeover, and putting her "career before marriage." There are details from a former baby nurse who says Kate fired 40 nannies in three months before hiring her, neighbors who say she told them she'd sue if they reveal where she lives, and family members who say she's been obsessed with money since the sextuplets' birth. Us also provides a 360 degree look at Kate's "reverse mullet." (Fig. 3) Moving on: Sex and the City wedding! Cynthia Nixon announced her engagement to Christine Marinoni and showed off her ring at a marriage equality rally in New York as co-star Kristin Davis looked on. The dangers of Tweeting: Miley Cyrus and Justin Gaston got roped into going on a double date with Spencer and Heidi via Twitter. Lastly, can you match the pregnant star to her baby bump? (Fig. 4)
Grade: D+ (Alligator cowboy boots they just put on sale.)

Star
"Angie Walks In On Jen And Brad!" ... talking on the phone. Angelina came home late one night from filming Salt and overheard Brad on the phone saying, "Relax Jen. Everything will be OK." A family insider says Angie, "totally flipped out." She screamed at him, "it's her or me!" but it's going to be a tough call for Brad, since the mag says he and Jen "just can't quit each other," and he likes to drunk-dial Jen late at night. In the much juicier story "Mom's Gay Affair!" we learn that Carrie Prejean's mother, Francine Coppola, was having a lesbian fling up until the night her daughter revealed her thoughts on gay marriage and lost the Miss USA crown. There's a picture of Coppola's "secret sapphic passion," Valerie Vetrano, as well as pictures of Coppola (who claims she's related to the director) at a lesbian party in Palm Springs where the two met, and lengthy accounts from sources who say they saw them on dates. Coppola wanted to keep their affair a secret, especially after her daughter started speaking out against gay marriage, but Vetrano said she wasn't going to live her life in the closet. When Star contacted Vetrano, she said, "In my country, in my household, I was raised to be honest and up-front. Yes, Francine and I dated. However, I don't feel comfortable discussing the details of our relationship - no offense." Moving on: Zac Efron has been told that if he wants to be a real star, he has to distance himself from High School Musical, and that means breaking up with Vanessa Hudgens. Zac feels this summer would be a convenient time to dump her, since he'll be filming in New England, but a source says, "Zac does still love Vanessa. He's agonizing about this!" How sweet. Next: Even though Joy Behar explained that she doesn't want anyone but her partner Steve and her daughter at her wedding on a recent episode of The View, Barbara Walters is mad because, "She feels like she gave Joy her big break, and it would only be right to at least ask her to come," says a source. Blind item: Which starlet stays red carpet ready thanks to a steady diet of heroin? But no need to worry about ugly track marks showing up in photos - she injects the drug between her toes. The mag estimates that Kelly Clarskson weighs about 165 pounds. She wants to lose weight for her health, so the mag encourages her by using the headlines "Kelly's BIG Comeback" and "Hungry For A Hit." Melissa Gilbert says that her Little House on the Prarie co-star Shannen Doherty had a one-night stand with her husband and ruined their marriage in her upcoming autobiography Prairie Tale. The incident occurred about five years after the show ended, and Gilbert claims "serial homewrecker" Doherty sought her husband out, "purely because she wanted to be like Melissa," according to a source. Next: Jamie Spears recently caught Britney taking over-the-counter diet pills mixed with Red Bull, which a source says made her, "whacked-out and go on weird rants." Britney's exhaused from touring and turns to the concoction to get her high. She also thinks Jamie tapped her phones and has a device that keeps a record of every number she calls [wouldn't the device be sort of like a phone bill?] Malia and Sasha Obama are "White House Rascals." They sing along to pop music loudly and off-key in their rooms, made the White House cook figure out the recipe for Pinkberry because there isn't a store in D.C., and speak in their own abbreviated sister language. What bothers everyone the most is that they go through the staff's magazines (including Star, of course, looking for new photos of Zac Efron and Nick Jonas. Finally, in this edition of "Best & Worst Beach Bods" we learned that if we want to be bikini ready, professional tennis is not the way to go. For the second week in a row, a mag has labeled Serena Williams body a "worst." (Fig. 5) Other crimes against humanity include having a "pancake butt" like Whitney Port (Fig. 5), having nearly invisible cellulite like Helen Hunt (Fig. 6) , and bending to pick something up while being 57, like Angelica Huston (Fig. 7).
Grade: C+ (Red light special, for some of the night.)




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Fig. 7

Lyons was joined by his At the Movies co-conspirator, Ben Mankiewicz, to walk the ladies through their Oscar prognostications. Here is the short version: Ben M. loves Marisa Tomei, on account of her breasts, and Ben L. loves Christopher Nolan and Slumdog Millionaire hottie Freida Pinto, neither of which are nominated. Also, Joy Behar hates The Reader. HATES it. If The Reader were, say, a perky blond co-host, she would scream at it, "I will burn you down," because of the hatred.

Also enjoyable: when the Bens are asked whether there's ever been a tie between actors at the Oscars (there has, famously), and they both sit there awkwardly drawing a blank until Whoopi Goldberg saves them. Guess they haven't added that trivia to the Scene It? Box Office Smash DLC yet.

• The View [ABC]

"What a sexual dynamo she must have been in her youth!" you think. Sure, young Joy may have appeared to be a Catskills-practicing good girl by day, but between the sheets at night, she no doubt "worked blue," ifyouknowhatwemean.

If you want to preserve those dreams, then we'd recommend you read no further, instead retiring to your tub to run a self-pleasuring Lansbury bath. Why? Because Behar revealed on today's teen-sex-themed episode of The View that she'd never even heard of oral sex until she was 25—and even then, the idea made her want to vomit (the demonstration of which she seemed to conflate with the actual act she was decrying). If you'll excuse us, we must take a moment to amend our graphic Joy Behar/Richard Lewis fanfiction. For accuracy.

• The View [ABC]

It all began when Barbara Walters brought up Bush's final press conference and dubbed it unusually introspective. This didn't sit quite right with Elisabeth Hasselbeck, the Bush BFF who invaded the Oval Office over the weekend, had a 15-minute conversation with the president about dog biscuits, and now feels qualified to pronounce Bush her replacement husband should Tim's remote ever linger too long on MSNBC.

Predictably, Joy Behar threw herself into the mix, and the resulting melee was a shouty clusterfuck that recalls the ladies' good ol' days. We led with the clip in which Hasselbeck compares Bush to Abraham Lincoln (!), but so much went on that we've provided a second, even more high-volume sampling. Enjoy!

• The View [ABC]

As our year begins to come to an end, intern Brian Colgan reviewed Elisabeth Hasselbeck's on-screen political arc (in short: "Wright Wright Rezko Rezko Ayers Ayers VICTORY!") and composed a video so incredible, you could watch it with your hand covering the top half of the screen and still get the gist from Elisabeth's emphatic, repeated gesticulation. We made it through this together, America. Like that one kid in Into the Wild, we have endured this tough, immense experience and come out the other end stronger.

Oh, wait. Didn't that kid die?

• The View [ABC]

However, the choice has angered many gay rights advocates, who worry that the selection will legitimize Warren's fervent advocacy in favor of Proposition 8. Joy Behar, too, is upset about the pick ("It's like putting Cheney in charge of gun control!"), which surely makes Elisabeth's toes even tinglier. And, as always, Barbara Walters attempts to bring peace by reaching for a historical anecdote she only half-remembers while her cohosts silently count down their "five second rule," at the conclusion of which they are free to merrily ignore her and resume their crosstalk. Still, the clip's real horror show is Whoopi's Ed Hardy-like tee-shirt, which suggests a wrathful View stylist has found a new target. Clip above.

• The View [ABC]

Truth be told, we can relate — aside from GlitterGlassesGuruGate, Elisabeth hasn't done anything particularly interesting this month on The View (though a shiver did go through our bodies the other day when she randomly brought up a conversation with her "good friend Gary Sinise"). On today's show, the archconservative revealed just how things have fallen: Bush has revoked her annual invitation to the White House! On a positive note, Elisabeth still has an open-ended invitation to visit Sarah Palin at her Alaska igloo, which she has decorated with bloody turkey feathers and a mug she swiped from the set of Saturday Night Live. Her one-way ticket is paid for by Joy Behar.

• The View [ABC]

Rickles started strong by immediately slamming Elisabeth Hasselbeck's husband — a strong, unexpected choice! From there, he brushed off Jay Leno's primetime coup ("I don't really care"), dismissed Joy Behar's inattention, and then brought up one of The View's twin They Who Must Not Be Named: Star Jones. An aggrieved Barbara Walters attempted to walk back the Star taunt; insult whomever you want, Mr. Warmth, but the Star Jones criticism is reserved only for Ms. No Hugs.

• The View [ABC]

The furor prompted Elisabeth to make amends on today's show, but in the most hurried, sneaky way possible. After the ladies devoted endless amounts of talk to offensive, sexist comments made by Rush Limbaugh about Hillary Clinton, Elisabeth quickly rushed out the apology for her comparatively innocuous jab just as Whoopi began to throw the show to commercial. Clever, girl, but the real expert would have snuck it in during the View's endless crosstalk, where no one would have been the wiser. Clip above.

• The View [ABC]

While attempting to reference Deepak Chopra's recent remarks on the Mumbai massacre (he implied the terrorists had an eye on America), a frustrated Hasselbeck first called him "Glitter Glasses Whatshisface," and then, dismissing his comments as beneath her recognition, muttered, "Go light a bowl of incense." Why stop there, Elisabeth? Tell those minorities how you really feel using the most stereotype-laden kiss-offs you can muster! If your stylist tries to dress you in another pirate shirt? "Oh, go take your AIDS pills!" Joy Behar got you down? Just say, "Whatsa matta, you-a? Something land in your spaghetti? Oh, what-a spicy meatball!" It's fun, easy, and guaranteed to get the letters pouring in!

• The View [ABC]

• The View [ABC]

Very little has changed in the hosts' positions (and Elisabeth Hasselbeck and Sherri Shepherd continue to advance the idea that gay marriage means that churches will be sued, dismantled, and rebuilt into Abercrombie & Fitch superstores), but at least Goldberg was kind enough to start things off on a new level of inanity by confessing that this "suffrage" thing that people have wanted throughout history? She's not really sure what that is! Maybe it's about suffering? Kinda sounds like it! "I guess it's when black people had to, you know, they didn't want to die for being black," Shepherd offers. Yeah, it's either that or the right to vote. You know, whichevs!

• The View [ABC]

While recounting a story about how her husband Tim simply wouldn't brave a long holiday line to buy some $6.99 napkins (But the bargain, Tim! It was so relatable!), Hasselbeck immediately began to flail and rewrite her marriage vows on-air. "Ohhh," moans an attempting-to-sympathize Barbara Walters, while secretly thinking, "You don't have people for that? Why, once I was at a dinner party hosted by Henry Kissinger and Chita Rivera, and I sent this kind cater-waiter out to procure the cannelloni au gratin for me at Sardi's. I tipped him with a signed headshot and a two-dollar bill, as was the custom at the time."

• The View [ABC]

First, Hasselbeck (whose enraged gay stylist dressed her today in a yellow pirate blouse over sushi pajamas) claimed that 62% of California voters said "yes" to Prop 8, a figure that overshoots actual reality by, oh, about ten percent. Then, Shepherd demurred when pressed on the biblical definition of marriage that she had so ardently defended, admitting, "This is what's bad, 'cause I don't even remember." Lest you think she was some sort of bigot, though, she hastened to add that she still hadn't picked out a wedding gift for her friend DeGeneres. Somehow, we think that not nullifying her marriage may go over better than a set of steak knives.

• The View [ABC]

Without Joy Behar around to rebut her, Shepherd ran rampant, tossing out right-wing talking points about the proposition (which took away the marriage rights awarded to gay Californians) like they were so many Sherri coins. First, she insists that without Prop 8, her pastor could have been sent to jail for preaching against homosexuality. Either she's referring to Swedish pastor Ake Green who was convicted, then acquitted of "hate speech" (under, y'know, Swedish laws) and became a religious cause celebre, or she's bringing up the falsehood that churches would be sued for not performing same-sex marriage. Just like they get sued so much when Jews want to marry in the Mormon temple! Oh wait, that doesn't happen. Barbara Walters attempts a weak rebuttal, but the audience is on Sherri's side. Eventually, even Whoopi concedes that if civil unions were strengthened until they reached a point that seems awfully separate but equal to our ears, maybe the gays would be happy and stop fighting so much. Or not! Clip above.

• The View [ABC]