While he didn't call Russell Crowe an "asshole" this time, nor flirtatiously butter up Sean Penn, Brolin did manage to fire off a verbal fusillade at several of the assembled celebrities, says Vulture:

"Josh Brahlin," he drawled when he took the podium at the National Board of Review awards ceremony, mimicking host Whoopi Goldberg's mispronunciation of his name. "That's how fucking famous I am... I just whispered in her ear, I said, 'What the fuck is the matter with you?' And she goes, 'I don't know. I'm high.'...I know that ninety percent of you right now are going, what’s he going to say?"

He introduced The Visitor's Richard Jenkins, the Spotlight Award winner, as a Hollywood newcomer: "It’s amazing that he’s just in his early twenties, yet he portrayed Professor Walter Vale as a man in his late fifties, early sixties, with such conviction and grace... We’re all on the edge of our seats as to what he’ll do next." Also, he marveled at the fact that Jenkins has starred in "in excess of fifty movies in the past three years," calling the actor a virtuoso whose talent surpassed that of Day-Lewis, Crowe, DiCaprio, "and of course, Clint Eastwood, wherever you are, who many also think is in his sixties or seventies, but who is really 32." Brolin further noted that 2008 was a great year for Jenkins, "the sexiest man alive, a tireless spokesperson for Rogaine, opening up new pathways for the future of acting." He paused dramatically, and then said, "Okay, that’s all the funny shit."

Suddenly, we've just imagined an Oscar ceremony where the stars align so we can see random, blubbering speeches from all four acting winners (Brolin, Mickey Rourke, and a twice-honored Kate Winslet). Sorry, Heath Ledger—we'd rather throw our support behind the only nominee likely enough to swig from a flask onstage and aggressively mumble, "Hugh Jackman's our host, folks. Give him a hand. What, they couldn't get Josh Hartnett?"

• Josh Brolin Politely Corrects Whoopi Goldberg on Pronunciation of His Name [New York]

Yes, the Defamer Transcription Dept.—whose work you've enjoyed previously in The Colin Farrell Sex Tape and A Visit with the Trumps—has once again turned in a masterful dramatic record.

Enjoy:

JOSH: [Laughs] Want a kiss? Wanna kissy? Mwwwwah. Lets just lay back and relax man.

JEFFREY: No I know, but it's like uhhh...

JOSH: You can't say anything, man. I'm the only who can motherfucking say anything.

JEFFREY: Oh...my god. You gotta be fucking kidding me.

JOSH: It's unbelievable. Why did you think they were going to get you?...No no no, I understand for you. It's major. But for me, I mean, it's bad, man. I mean I didn't get in the way, man. I didn't even get in the way. I was like wait—what are you doing with him? Bottles were out.

JEFFREY: They didn't know they took that other person down.

JOSH: They maced me, man. They maced the shit out of me.

JEFFREY: They TAZED me in my back ribs! They stuck a tazer in there!

JOSH: [Laughs]

JEFFREY: They did the mace...

JOSH: I heard 'em. I heard 'em. I heard 'em. [Laughs] I heard 'em.

JEFFREY: Then they stuck the tazer and they went NYEEAOwwahhh.

JOSH: I heard 'em. I heard 'em. Jeffrey.

JEFFREY: I came here at like about 5 o'clock in the morning looking for a pizza one night...and I said, "What, you gonna, you gonna, what...it's like you don't serve anybody after 5?" And I said, "Shut the fuck up!" Josh it was something like ridiculous!

JOSH: Ohh my god.

JEFFREY: That I said to the sheriff—

JOSH: That's so fucking bad. It's so bad. It's so bad you can't even say anything. You can't even say anything. Just let me talk. But I've been here. This is my seventh time. I'm used to this shit. I'm used to this shit. [Laughs] I love it. I LOVE it.

JEFFREY: It's all good.

JOSH: My wife's gonna be so happy.

JEFFREY: Oh my god.

We encourage all re-enactments, mash-ups, and tribute videos. Send them here, and we'll post the best ones! Actually we'll post any and all of them if you actually go to the trouble of making one.

As befits a modern man-duo, Brolin and Wright have a chemistry that's equal parts homoerotic bonding and Hollywood narcissism. The former is on display when Brolin attends to Wright's wounded ego with a little bit of kissy-kissy, and the latter is at full volume as the two tussle over who suffers most over the arrest. "I understand for you it's major," reassures Brolin, "but for me, it's bad." Still, we have to give the trophy to Wright: "They TASED me, man!" In the annals of celebrity pity parties, that's a hard one to trump.

• Cop Cam: Brolin Plays Kissy Kissy in Police Car [TMZ]

Brolin was at the Palm Springs Film Festival last night, where he attended yet another fete honoring Sean Penn's performance in Milk. Sadly not invited to encore the tipsy range of fraternal sensitivity — with Penn on the "amazing" end and Crowe on the "asshole" extreme — reporters instead cornered Brolin offstage for a clarification:

Realizing he shouldn't have joked like that about a respected actor, Brolin later blamed it on the booze. He admitted to the film critics audience that he'd been drinking earlier that night. [...] Brolin was on his best behavior last night. When asked about the Crowe comment, Brolin told reporters, "It was the ambiance of the room. I love him. I think he’s amazing. He’s a friend. I was bummed out when I saw that today."

Maybe it was ambiance, maybe it was six or seven glasses of ambiance, we'll never know. But to the uncanny extent Brolin could channel that ambiance for his aggrieved character in Milk ("I'm Dan White! I have issues! *burp*"), we'll take his word for it. This man is a professional.

• Josh Brolin Regrets Russell Crowe Comments [Hollyscoop]

Brolin and Wright spent minimal time in jail for their part in the July 12 fracas outside Shreveport's Stray Cat Bar, where the W. gang had gathered for the film's wrap party. We think the accompanying video — showing Brolin in a cuffed, post-pepper-spray shock while a helpless Wright is tasered prodigiously in the street — suggests Brolin may have been on to something when he pledged to fight the cops whom he alleged "immediately resorted to violence" that night.

Bonus points to the unflinching camerawoman who recorded the scene, apparently submitting the footage to a bit of Ted Turner-grade colorization before its release today. If she happened to get any of last night's Brolin-on-Penn action on the record, we'd love to see it.

• Caught On Tape — Cops Attack Actors [TMZ]

Penn and Brolin presented each other's prizes for Best Actor and Supporting Actor for Milk, with one attendee noting that the latter star "perhaps unnecessarily mentioned he'd been drinking." We're not sure if that admission came before or after his broadside against NYT theater critic Ben Brantley ("Honestly, I hate that motherfucker. ... And I don't think he's a good writer"), but its awareness nicely underscored his Penn introduction that followed:

"Quite an actor, Sean Penn, quite an actor. [Pause] Amazing. [Pause] And now I'm an asshole. Like Russell Crowe. Because I'm not as smart as Sean. [Pause] Quite an actor. [Pause] Amazing actor. I've loved you in Milk, I thought what you did with that role was incredible. We've known you as an actor who doesn't smile very much. And the fact that you smiled as much as you did in this film is amazing. Truly incredible. You are an amazing actor. You are going to get the Oscar. Because you smiled so much."

As expected, Penn's own ball-busting praise for Brolin — "I always wrote him off as a handsome square-jawed actor...There's no one who's as big a nightmare as him. ... No one has much endurance at night and as little during the day" — had the venue security guards' hands on their tasers. But! Crisis averted, at least until Sunday's open-bar Golden Globe Awards. We're pulling for you, Josh!

• At New York Film Critics Circle, Brolin being Brolin [Risky Biz Blog]

Crank fauxteurs Mark Neveldine and Brian Taylor were originally slated to direct Hex from their own screenplay next spring. Variety reports today that DC Comics parted ways with them, however, while for his part Brolin was coy about the duo's role in the project. Of course, after an exchange that started with "I love it" before devolving to "It's awful," there was little else left to say:

In the last couple months, I've been going back and forth about it. I went back to my gut: "Is it a sellout? What is it I like about this movie?" When I first read it, I thought, "Oh my God, it's awful!" And then I had a moment a week later, and I thought, "Why is it awful?" Maybe the thing to do is to do the most awful movie I can find.

It's so tongue-in-cheek. It's so ridiculous. But once I started putting people in my mind and saying, "What if I put [John] Malkovich in this role? Then what does this movie become? Now let's put this producer and director on it and think about how it plays out." Then it becomes fun. Now I love that movie. If you have a great filmmaker come in, then suddenly, these gags and characters become interesting.

Clearly Brolin needs to shake off the power trip and re-read these guys' resumes — nothing qualifies a director for a good time more than working with Corey Haim.

• Neveldine, Taylor leave 'Jonah Hex' [Variety]

• Josh Brolin Calls Playing George W. Bush The 'Ultimate Risk' And 'Ultimate Reward' [MTV Movies]

Boomp3.com

At the London Film Festival, W. star Josh Brolin was so excited to be in London that he wanted to shout it from the rooftops. However, Brolin opted to shout next to his co-stars Elizabeth Banks and Thandie Netwon. A raspy Brolin said, “Whooooaaaa! I love London and I love this movie!”

[Photo Credit: Getty Images]

*A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

Or, officially, W. — The Official Film Guide, an obsessive, somewhat addictive gathering of footnotes for amateur scholars ("14. Cheney - Unitary Executive Theory") and culture mavens ("80. W. loved Cats) alike, crammed with supporting details and citations behind some of W.'s more out-there moments. Like "W. on Non-Alcoholic Beer":

“I’ve won," said George W. Bush, one week before Election Day. A couple of reporters on the plane appeared unconvinced. But Bush was supremely confident, leaning against the bulkhead with a Buckler near-beer in his hand… [James Moore, Wayne Slater. Bush's Brain]

Or, our favorite, "W. as Paul Bunyan":

On most of the 365 days he has enjoyed at his secluded ranch [in Crawford], President Bush's idea of paradise is to hop in his white Ford pickup truck in jeans and work boots, drive to a stand of cedars, and whack the trees to the ground. [...] Sometimes this activity is the only official news to come out of what aides call the Western White House. For five straight days since Monday, when Bush retreated to the ranch for his Christmas sojourn, a spokesman has announced that the president, in between intelligence briefings, calls to advisers and bicycling, has spent much of his day clearing brush. [Lisa Rein, The Washington Post

]

And all this time we thought the president spent those long, languid days kicking back with a book. Who knew?

• Debating 'W.': Getting Bush Right [Slate]

• 'W.' — The Official Film Guide [Lionsgate via MCN]

After the jump: What hunky mystery disease was spotted lunching at The Grill with Seth Rogen?

· Seth Rogen will produce and co-star in I'm With Cancer—an autobiographical spec by Will Reiser about his struggles with the disease—promising to do for chemotherapy what Knocked Up did for morning sickness. [THR]
· Remember the names Kristy Flores, Paul Iacono, Paul McGill, Naturi Naughton, Kay Panabaker, Kherington Payne, Collins Pennie, Walter Perez and Anna Maria Perez de Tagle. Now forget them, because they're starring in a Fame remake no one is going to give a shit about. [THR]

[N]one of us were drunk, we had just finished shooting three or four hours before. We were out...in the beginning, it was like [smacks hand] okay! It was time! We did it! We were so proud, what an accomplishment!...and then this fucking happens.

To me it was ridiculous. I have never seen...I have never ever, ever, ever, ever seen an escalation of paranoia and abuse like that...ever. And I know a lot of cops. Everybody knows I have a checkered past and I've been in situations that are kind of tough. I've never ever been treated like that by cops. Ever. [...]

I don't know the specifics between Jeffrey [Wright] and the bartender, but he was asked to leave, and I know that was why the cops came, to say okay, it's time to escort you out. Not because [Jeffrey] was yelling or screaming. He was just saying look, I'm here with my friends, I'm celebrating the end of our movie, and then they escorted him out, [and] we wanted to know why, and they didn't want to tell us. They immediately resorted to violence. Which is what the police are there to try and stop and prevent. That didn't happen. They were the violent ones.

Brolin also confirmed the existence of a cell-phone video of the incident: "It was us going ... you can see it on the tape ... us going 'whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.' There was no fight-back at all."

The fight-back apparently starts now, though, with Brolin retrenching in the press with references to other alleged police brutality in Shreveport — particularly with Tasers, which he claimed recently killed a 21-year-old detainee (although that incident actually occurred in Winnfield, La., about 60 miles southeast of Shreveport) and are ritually abused across the country. "I'm done being nice," he told Wells. "What's the worst, they're gonna put me in jail a couple of months because I spoke out about [their] abuse?" Only if they do it the week of the Oscars, hot shot.

• What Happened Was [Hollywood Elsewhere]

"The damn movie leaves you feeling sorry for this fucker at the finale, and that ain't hay." — Jeffrey Wells, Hollywood Elsewhere

"It's a gutsy movie but not necessarily a good one. Its greatest strength is that it wants to talk about what's on our minds right now and not wait for historians. ... The film gets off to an awkward start with a presidential bull session with speechwriters and top advisers that produced his 'Axis of Evil' speech about Iran, Iraq and North Korea. It borders perilously close to a Saturday Night Live sketch." — Kirk Honeycutt, The Hollywood Reporter

"At its best, it holds up as a dramatized character study of the father and son presidents which will be watched keenly in years to come. At its worst, it is submerged by an over-populated cast of characters and a tone which shifts awkwardly between dramatic storytelling and smartass political comedy. ... [T]he film is not a biopic by any means." — Mike Goodridge, Screen Daily

"For the most part, Stone and his actors meet the basic requirements of pulling off this quick-draw portrait of still-evolving history. ... Dominating are borderline distorted closeups, especially of Brolin, along with shadowy lighting and generally lackluster lensing. Some of the song choices are downright sophomoric in their too-obvious irony." — Todd McCarthy, Variety

"Brolin should be nominated for the Oscar. We'll see whether the crowd around Best Actor is too big for him to crack, but it is a letter-perfect performance that looks much, much easier than most critics and audiences, I think, will understand. ... The question of the film is, 'Why?' " — David Poland, The Hot Blog

Why, indeed? We're digging for the critics' bunker as we write this, determined to have an answer one way or another by the time W. opens next week. Send help if you don't hear from us.

[W]e were turned down by everybody for money, including your Aunt Gertrude. It was humiliating. I make no bones about it. I think this is a great subject. I don’t think I have a bad track record. I needed a star, though, and Josh Brolin was not a star. Originally I went for Christian Bale. We did some rigorous prosthetic tests and spent a lot of dough—thousands and thousands of dollars—and then Christian said, “I just don’t feel like I can do it.” I met Josh and liked him. He was more rural Americana. But man, he was scared shitless. ...

[Bush] is a different man; he’s not as dark or deep as someone like Nixon. The style is a time trip through three different eras, to give you a sense of young, middle, and old. It’s light. [...] [I]t has to be done with an ebullience and a certain fun, because the guy is goofy. He’s a goofball! And I think he endeared himself to people because he couldn’t get anything right. Kubrick was an idol of mine. I grew up on Strangelove and movies like Network, and they made a big impact on me. So yeah, W. is a satire.

Yeah, whatever — again, we knew that. But what "rigorous prosthetic tests" must Bale have gone through to try out for President Bush? And how lucky is Stone to have went with the guy who got locked up for sassing the police and not for allegedly assaulting Momzo the Clown? Maybe this whole thing is meant to be after all.

• Bush Gets Stoned [GQ]

• Bush Gets Stoned [GQ]

If Brolin comes off as a good ol’ boy, he’s actually a Hollywood scion, the vigorous sprout of a six-foot-four tree named James Brolin. “My dad is probably one of the handsomest guys ever,” says Brolin. “I was making a joke and I said, ‘If I was a chick, I’d f—- you.’ He was like, ‘You can’t say that! Shut your mouth!’”

While we admire the younger Brolin's candor, we hope he left his paternal fixation at the palatial Streisand residence instead of bringing it onto the set of W. The audience appetite for two more hours of George W. Bush may be further diluted by a scene in which W., high on peyote and aroused by a marathon session of brush-clearing at his Crawford ranch, places a late-night, naughty call to his father, whispering, "How'd you like to make a preemptive strike against my Fruit of the Looms, Poppy?"

[Photo Credit: AP]

• Josh Brolin [W]

• Access Hollywood [via Hollywood Elsewhere]

• 'W. 'Gets Misunderestimated With New Posters in Denver [Film School Rejects]

Buzz Cuts Gone Good:
Though they both donned powder-dusted ponytails together in Interview With The Vampire, both Tom Cruise and Brad Pitt's best look to date is the crop cut. Think Cruise in all the MI films as opposed to his Village People allusion in Magnolia, or Brad in all the Ocean's movies vs. that caveman look we never even got to see on the big screen for The Fountain. And for all his demerits, from daring to put down Madonna to failing to ever make us laugh, Justin Timberlake's sole redeeming attribute is his near-perfection of the style.

Buzz Cuts Gone Bad:
We happen to be among the few remaining females still ignoring all those silly gay rumors and clinging to Jake Gyllenhaal's heterosexual plausibility. But every crush reaches a standstill at some point, and re: Jake, that point was officially reached courtesy of Jarhead, which required The Jake to feign military obedience and cut it all off. Despite a yearning to see as much of Jake's skin as possible, we didn't appreciate said skin being exposed so plentifully on his scalp. And anyone besides us feverishly following the depressingly rapid decrease in blooming hair on Jude Law's curiously peaked head knows a buzz cut hasn't resulted in the best aesthetic for the rock heiress-snogging star. Finally, we know she's not technically a male celebrity, but no one proved just how wrong a buzz can look than Britney Spears and her infamous self-shearing.

[Photo Credit: Getty Images, Celebrity Details, Beauty And The Bath, Dark Horizons, All Things D and Dyli.org]

• STYLE IT LIKE BECKHAM: ROCKER JOHN MAYER COPIES DAVID'S LOOK [Daily Mail]
• JOSH BROLIN: I'M 'IN A BAD PREDICAMENT RIGHT NOW' [HuffPo]